Chapter Text

Anthony J. Crowley (College)

Today, 11:27 AM

Incoming text from Crowley:

angel

ANGEL!

hey!

u up?

Aziraphale writes:

Good morning, Crowley. Of course I am, as 11:30 am is a perfectly reasonable time to be awake. The question is, why are you already up?

Crowley writes:

bastard

listen I got neqs!

Aziraphale writes:

Is that infectious?

Crowley writes:

wat?

uugshjs

news!!!

i got news u fussy primadonna n u now that

Aziraphale writes:

I'm doing what now, exactly?

Crowley writes:

LISTEN HERE U LIL SHIT

really could throw u against a wall ugh

Aziraphale writes:

Are we having trouble using our big words for expressing emotions again?

Crowley writes:

remin me y were friends again

Aziraphale writes:

I fathom, everyone else was already taken.

Crowley writes:

ure drivin m crasy

Aziraphale writes:

*You're

*driving

*me

*crazy.

Crowley writes:

now is NOT the time to correct me spellin k?

Aziraphale writes:

Alright, my dear boy. What could possibly ail you on this wonderful sunny day?

Crowley writes:

went to the money thingy office

Aziraphale writes:

You mean, the Office of Undergraduate Financial Aid.

Crowley writes:

yeah these fuckers

Aziraphale writes:

Oh goodness, did it really go that badly?

Crowley writes:

wont get any aid aside from unsubised loans unless I have a kid / get married / have sick relatives 2 care 4 or got a bad illness

Aziraphale writes:

I'm so terribly sorry, Crowley. That is really unfair! It would be such a shame if you'd need to drop out.

Crowley writes:

glad u think so

Aziraphale writes:

But what are you going to do now?

Crowley writes:

im getting married

Aziraphale writes:

What!?

To whom?

Crowley writes:

thougt tis s obvius

can u please marry me angel?

Aziraphale dropped his phone onto his lemon cream tart.

"Oh, fiddlesticks," he muttered under his breath while he began cleaning his smart device, harrumphing in indignation. He was getting proposed to. Via text.

Crowley, the bane of his existence and his best friend since the first day of college, had always had a talent for using his boundless hallucinogenic imagination to create a fireworks display of spectacular plans, of which only some were useful and even fewer were legal.

On more than one occasion, Crowley's self-proclaimed brilliance had almost got him and Aziraphale into trouble with the college dean.

Their latest sheme (letting loose a bunch of rats in the server room of the university) had been a noble gesture on Crowley's part. He had been trying in order to save them both from failing their exams after a rather epic night out. But, in retrospect, it might not have been the best idea, given that this incident could easily be tracked down to the animal rights activist goth guy who, just two weeks earlier, had loudly advocated that the university should use only live rat traps.

In any case, the joint genius of Aziraphale and Crowley had created more problems than it had solved. Not that Aziraphale minded, though.

His life had become so much more colorful since this walking serpent of a human being had swaggered into his formerly bubble-wrapped existence.

Of course, Aziraphale would never tell Crowley that. He couldn't risk inflating his enormous ego any further.

And admittedly, Crowley's mind occasionally produced something brilliant, just as it did this time.

A marriage. Huh.

If this was something Aziraphale could do to help his friend in need, he shouldn't even think twice about it. In the name of philanthropy and ethical rectitude, Aziraphale felt virtually compelled to enter into matrimony with Crowley.

Aziraphale nodded solemnly to himself. He could definitely do this.

It was hardly a sacrifice anyway, he realised on second thought. Crowley - despite his pulse raising antics, questionable music choices and preference for downright indecent jeans - had proven to be a trustworthy and attentive companion.

When, on Sunday mornings, Crowley showed up on Aziraphale's doorstep with a bag of fresh croissants in one hand and jingling his car keys in the other, ready to take him on an adventure, Aziraphale had thought more than once that the person who would tie the knot with Crowley could consider themselves very lucky - so it was not that far-fetched an idea if that person ended up being his best friend.

Furthermore, for some inexplicable reason, Aziraphale hadn't been very successful with dating anyway, so there wasn't a girlfriend whose objections he would have to take into consideration.

And, what probably should have been the most compelling reason: He'd benefit from such an arrangement as well. Since his parents had cut him off financially after he'd changed his major to literature studies, his living situation hadn't been exactly rosy. His brother was the only one annoyingly charitable enough to let him live in his cellar.

All things considered, there was no reason why he shouldn't agree to this proposal.

Aziraphale sighed as he leaned back against his chair, placing his palms on the flat of the table, suppressing the strange fluttering that had started in his stomach and spread to his fingertips.

Excitement about having found a loophole in the jungle of financial administration that would get him and Crowley out of their precarious situation was definitely the only explanation for why he suddenly felt so dizzy. Definitly.

Well, if only this moment wasn't tainted by a faint sour feeling that made him huff again.

Aziraphale pursed his lips as he stared down at the phone resting upside-down on the rickety kitchen table, a slight frown creasing his eyebrows.

There was nothing wrong with it. Aziraphale was well-educated on the business of marriage and proposals. He had watched the movie The Proposal, after all.

Humans had a long history of arranged marriages, platonic marriages- a marriage of convenience was basically just another Tuesday.

But that was not what was bothering Aziraphale.

No, this anger cut deeper.
This was his first-ever proposal. Did it really have to happen via a text message, of all things?!

Seriously, if Aziraphale was getting proposed to, he could have expected a little more decorum. He had standards, after all.

The vast majority of the short time since he'd received the message he had spent pondering if he should be insulted and act accordingly before Aziraphale took another deep breath, and picked up his phone and prepared for another selfless act of virtue.

Aziraphale didn't want to start their engagement immediately with a fight. It wasn't worth making a fuss about it- yet. He could save that for an anniversary.

He unlocked the display, and his gaze jumped immediately to the last message in the chat. He stared at it and read it over and over again to make sure he hadn't hallucinated the few last minutes.

Crowley's message:

can u please marry me angel?

Bob

Under the last text message, three gray dots appeared, pulsing for a moment before disappearing again, just to make their reappearance seconds later.

Aziraphale's chest was suddenly filled with a fond chuckle that snapped him out of his daze.

These three dots were a visual representation of Crowley's nerves. Aziraphale could picture him pacing his room with a cigarette in hand, his soft hair a ruffled mess, while grunting a few half-hearted expletives.

Crowley would definitely deserve it if Aziraphale let him stew for a while longer.

But for some reason, he couldn't quite bring himself to do it.
Admittedly, the prospect of marrying his best friend in order to beat the system made him downright giddy with excitement.

Anthony J. Crowley (College)

Today, 11:41 AM

Aziraphale writes:

You are going to run a hole in that thing you call carpet.

Crowley writes:

oh thank fuck ur back thought ud rat me out or quit or freindship or smth

Aziraphale writes:

I'll save that idea for our marriage.

Crowley writes:

our..

wait

ur game?

you will wed me?

Aziraphale writes:

Yes, of course I will marry you, you silly man.

Besides, I need more financial aid, too.

Crowley writes:

arhsksnl

FUCK SRSLY WE ARE DOING THIS?

Aziraphale writes:

It certainly seems like it.

Admittedly, the cleverest idea you ever had, except for Wine Wednesday.

Crowley writes:

cant believe u agree to this

full of infinite varieties arent ya

thank u <3 I owe u 4 savin my ass

Aziraphale writes:

That's hardly an issue. It's not like there is a considerable amount to save then.

Crowley writes:

HEY!!

i got a great butt thanks

also y r u interested in my ass hmm?

Aziraphale writes:

I am most certainly not!

I'm just stating the obvious.

Crowley writes:

cmon were friends u can admit u checked me out

Aziraphale writes:

Why should I do that? I am very much heterosexual as you know!

Crowley writes:

maybe u checked me out al heterosexually?

Aziraphale writes:

You know, I'm suddenly doubting if I already should get married at the age of 21...

Crowley writes:

ok ok ok chill pls! no need to overrect rigt

doin act researsh now

Aziraphale writes:

Just don't make me regret this.

Crowley writes:

dw angel I'll be reel good to u

u deserve only the best for puttin up w me

Aziraphale writes:

That was not an entirely selfless act. Maybe as your husband I can do something about this atrocious spelling.

Crowley writes:

hehe husband

good luck w that

Aziraphale writes:

Oh dear.

Crowley writes:

k so

it needs to b lightspeed coz next semester is pretty damn soon

Aziraphale writes:

Wait, we won't have an elaborate betrothal? No extravagant party? How utterly disappointing after the proposal was already so emotional.

Crowley writes:

...

Aziraphale writes:

I know you're sticking out your tongue at me.

Crowley writes:

dont be so naiv

m flipping u off

Aziraphale writes:

Charming.

All right, so, obviously, we need to be quick about this so we we can hand in our FAFSA application on time. Can we just go to city hall, or are further preparations required?

Crowley writes:

lemme check

hmm city hall appoints are pretty low atm

n wtf is this shit w marriage licence & certificate

like a drivers licence?

dont tell me we need to pass a test

Aziraphale writes:

Let me have a look.

Aziraphale writes:

As far as I understand, the licence is issued by the county clerk and states that we fulfill the legal requirements and we are permitted to marry. We will get the certificate after we carry out the act.

Crowley writes:

k figures

carry out the act

sounds saucy

Aziraphale writes:

Would you get your mind out of the gutter?

Crowley writes:

never

k found an online form for the license thing.

100 bucks holy shit

oh there's an open spot at Tues, bookn this for us

Aziraphale writes:

That's perfect, thank you! Then, I suppose, we're all set.

Crowley writes:

Name is Crowley. Anthony J. Crowley. And I got the licence to marry you.

Aziraphale writes:

Oh, sure you do.

Crowley writes:

hehe

on to the actl marriage

how do u wanna do this?

city hall is too busy. vegas?

Aziraphale writes:

I'm afraid neither of us is able to afford a trip there.

A church, perhaps?

Crowley writes:

sure I wont burst into flames there?

Aziraphale writes:

That's a very good point. I can't risk my fiancés’ life like that.

Crowley writes:

wait

arent u an ordened minister?

Aziraphale writes:

Two semesters of studying theology doesn't exactly qualify you as an ordained minister.

Crowley writes:

didnt u do this online certificate thing?

Aziraphale writes:

That was entirely an accident!

Besides, I doubt I can file my own certificate.

Crowley writes:

shit

Aziraphale writes:

Maybe we can convince one of our friends to get ordained?

Crowley writes:

YEAH!!!

Aziraphale writes:

I have an idea!

Crowley writes:

Ana!

Aziraphale writes:

Anathema!

Crowley writes:

1 braincell lol

Aziraphale writes:

Who is going to ask her? She certainly won't do it without forcing us to participate in some witchcraft ritual.

Crowley writes:

toss a coin?

ill send u a vid

Aziraphale writes:

Fine.

I say heads.

Crowley sends a video file:

*sends a video file*

Crowley writes:

tails, u ask her

Aziraphale writes:

Good grief.

Crowley writes:

i get u a real nice wedding cake angel

Aziraphale writes:

I better hope so.

Crowley writes:

n smbody say we dont honor trads here. gettin married young + a wedding cake we r downriht conservatives

Aziraphale writes:

There is no need to insult us like that.

Conservatives wouldn't go these lengths to get a better education.

Crowley writes:

lol true

imagine

Aziraphale writes:

Although an early marriage might not be a sacrifice for them, unlike a divorce.

Crowley writes:

oh right

guess we hav to plan a exit?

Aziraphale writes:

One moment, I just checked, and it looks like FAFSA might even pay for on-campus housing! I could move out of Gabriel's house!

Crowley writes:

omg dude!! YAS

Aziraphale writes:

But to answer your question, yes, I think we should research divorces, too. You certainly don't want to stay married to me forever.

Crowley writes:

who knows

skksks

lol

idk yeah mbe

Aziraphale writes:

I mean, it could happen that you find a special someone, and then you are tied to little old me. I wouldn't want things to become difficult, my dear.

Crowley writes:

y do u have to be so considerate angel

Aziraphale writes:

I have to earn my nickname, don't I?

Crowley writes:

nah ur good

aziraphale patron st of divorce

has a ring to it

Aziraphale writes:

My parents would be ever so proud.

Allright, the divorce laws are kind of confusing, I must admit. So either fault or no-fault rules can apply. And I saw something about a two-year separation period?

Crowley writes:

hmm

I mean if ur rlly in a hurry to get rid of me quick we can give em a fault if that speeds things up

idk is adultery still a thing?

one of us could just hook up with smone n the other one finds out or so n big drama n stuff

Aziraphale writes:

I guess so…

Crowley writes:

u dont sound happy angel

Aziraphale writes:

Excuse me for no being ecstatic about one of us cheating!

Or more like: getting accused of cheating.

Crowley writes:

u r sweet

but u know we r gettin fake married right?

ur still free to go out with every one u like. girls or whoever

Aziraphale writes:

I am fully aware. But still, even our fake marriage deserves a better ending than this.

Crowley writes:

fussy angel

but k we figure smth out

maybe gambling or sm shit

Aziraphale writes:

That's what every future husband-to-be-divorced wants to hear.

You are flipping me off again, aren't you?

Crowley writes:

rnt we a perfect couple? knowing each over so well

Aziraphale writes:

Well, maybe your ideas aren't that bad. I just saw that divorces can cost up to $30K, and most of it is spent on legal fees. Maybe a fault makes that easier.

Crowley writes:

yeah fuck lawiers

we dont need lavyers

we dont have kids n no property to divide lol

imagine us fighting our min wage income lmao

Aziraphale writes:

Oh, my dear, but how shall we proceed with the car?

Crowley writes:

which car?

Aziraphale writes:

You know, our car.

Crowley writes:

we dont have a car

Aziraphale writes:

Don't tell me you forgot about Bentley.

Crowley writes:

bentley is MY car!

Aziraphale writes:

What is mine is yours and what is yours is mine, isn't that what marriages are about?

Crowley writes:

dont u dare u bastard

u dont have to grin like that and I KNOW u r grinning

Aziraphale writes:

I don't know what you're talking about, darling.

Crowley writes:

i will not give up custody on her

didnt pieced her together on a yunk yard with m own hands 4 her to become a child of divorce

id rather die

Aziraphale writes:

I know, I know, my dear.

You really would, wouldn't you.

Aziraphale writes:

Here, I set up a prenup.

Aziraphale:

*sends an image*

Aziraphale writes:

You keep Bentley, and I keep my books.

Crowley writes:

is that a fuckin napkin?

Aziraphale writes:

It is.

Crowley writes:

y are there stains???

angel what are this white stains?

Aziraphale writes:

Cream!!

It’s just cream! What are you thinking of me, you rascal!

Crowley writes:

well….

Aziraphale writes:

I had nothing else in reach!

Crowley writes:

u are incredible

Aziraphale writes:

You are cordially invited to sign it on our wedding day.

Crowley writes:

wtf is this day

Aziraphale writes:

Do you agree now or not?

Crowley writes:

sure I do!

look at us

just 2 guys bein dudes

gettin married

and plannin a divorce on a cum rag

Aziraphale writes:

I will end this conversation now!

Crowley writes:

to do what excactly?

Aziraphale writes:

You are the worst fiance ever, I'll have you known!

Crowley writes:

hehe

see u after class!

--- 4 days later ---

Anthony J. Crowley (College)

Today, 00:15 AM

Aziraphale writes:

Good evening, Crowley. Are you still awake?

Crowley writes:

sure

q is y u r up @12?

Aziraphale writes:

Oh really, Crowley, must you? This is getting ridiculous. People in the Stone Age could formulate more coherent messages than these scribbles.

Crowley writes:

jeez ur 1 cranky bastard today u alrigt?

Aziraphale writes:

I'm perfectly splendid, thank you. I just don't appreciate having to decipher your enigmatic messages. Is it really too much effort to type words properly?

Crowley writes:

...

perfectly splendid?

1

what r u the fucking queen of england?

2

if u must now Ive hair dye all over m hands dont wanna smear it over the damn screen ok?

now its everywhere?

thanks

Aziraphale writes:

Oh, I see.

Why do you have hair dye on your hands?

Crowley writes:

u know to paint lil pics on my windows w m fingers

Aziraphale writes:

Seriously?

Crowley writes:

its actly a good moisturiser too

NO TO DYE MY FUCKING HAIR what tf do u think

Aziraphale writes:

There is no need for that tone, my dear.

But why would you dye your hair now?

Crowley writes:

just freshin up

the cherry red u said u liked last summar

wanna look good when I marry u tmrw

Aziraphale writes:

Oh Crowley!

You really don't have to go through the trouble. You always look positively striking, my dear.

Crowley writes:

nrdjdk

well have to keep up w my gorg fiance right

Aziraphale writes:

Oh pish posh.

How do you feel tonight?

A warm fuzzy feeling began to spread through Aziraphale’s veins, heating his cheeks, and a fond smile tugged at the corners of his lips.

That ridiculous man. Crowley really knew how to cheer him up, even when it was just pretending to flirt with him.

It was almost enough to erase all traces of the nervousness that had begun to gather like storm clouds over Aziraphale's mind during the last few hours.

Tomorrow, he and Crowley would elope. Get married. Even when it was for a very valid and reasonable cause, a marriage was still a pretty big deal. His parents might despise him already, but if they caught wind of Aziraphale getting married, to a man of all things, they might go berserk.

Even though the marriage wasn’t supposed to influence their friendship in any way, he'd be tied to Crowley in so many aspects of their lives from now on.

Not that they hadn't been each other's emergency contact since three months after meeting.

But from now on, he would be even more responsible for Crowley. Although their lifestyle wouldn't change overnight, legally, it was a whole new game. Aziraphale had no doubt that Crowley would go out of his way to care for him if push came to shove.

It was more that Aziraphale had suddenly started to doubt his own capabilities to be a good partner. After all, he didn't want to fail or accidentally hurt his best friend.

This, of course, led to the next question: What if it didn't work out? There was no issue of infidelity, obviously. They would continue living their own lives, but things could still become messy. There could be a big fight, for example, and then-

Aziraphale got interrupted by another message.

Anthony J. Crowley (College)

Today, 00:15 AM

Crowley writes:

whats wrong?

Aziraphale writes:

Nothing! Who says anything is wrong. Everything is tickety boo.

Crowley writes:

tickety boo

really

Aziraphale writes:

Maybe you feel like there is something wrong you want to share

Crowley writes:

cut that bullshit

can hear u fretting all over town

Aziraphale writes:

That is physically impossible. How would you even hear that?

Crowley writes:

thats ur smths wrong voice

inposible not to hear

shoot

Aziraphale writes:

Okay, fine.

We're really doing this tomorrow?

Crowley writes:

cold feet angel?

dw if u dont wanna do it thats fine

Aziraphale writes:

I don't have cold feet! My feet are perfectly well-tempered!

They could benefit from some nice woolly socks, though.

It is just. I don't know.

Crowley writes:

yeah?

Aziraphale writes:

Well, you don't get married every day, whatever the reason might be. It is a big step, you know.

Crowley writes:

its actl a pretty small step

just headin to Ana n signin the papers

maybe a drink?

Aziraphale writes:

That is not exactly what I mean.

Are you aware of the legal implications that marriage brings with it? Of all the effects on current and future administrative issues? And I won't even mention the impact on our private lives.

Crowley writes:

nah

Aziraphale writes:

"nah"?

Crowley writes:

nah.

Aziraphale writes:

That is entirely unhelpful, thank you.

Crowley writes:

angel

im only aware of 2 things. 1 we wll save a wole lotta cash on loans n housing n get a fuckin education in this shithole of a country

Aziraphale writes:

Hmm true. And what is the second thing?

Crowley writes:

The rest we will figure out as we go. And I know everything will be fine because I get the best husband anyone could ask for. We got this.

Aziraphale writes:

Astonishing.

Crowley writes:

?

Aziraphale writes:

So you do actually know the basic principles of orthography and interpunction.

Crowley writes:

fuck of!!!

Aziraphale writes:

I'm so proud of you, my dear.

Crowley writes:

ur such an asshole

i have no idea y im marrying u u bastard

Aziraphale writes:

Well, certainly not to seal our undying love and soul-transcending devotion.

Crowley writes:

hahaha

could u even imagine

wouldnt that be ridiculus

what a funny tougth lol right?

Aziraphale writes:

Maybe not the most ridiculous thing, I admit. I can consider myself very lucky to have you as my best friend and companion, and there isn't anyone else I'd marry for financial benefit.

Crowley writes:

ugh ur getting sappy angel

go to bed

Aziraphale writes:

Very well! But you don't stay up for too long, either!

Good night, my dear.

Crowley writes:

night night angel

sweet dreams

Aziraphale writes:

And Crowley?

Crowley writes:

yeah?

Aziraphale writes:

Thank you for everything. My feet are perfectly warm now.

Crowley writes:

m pleasure