Work Text:
Firefighters risk their life every single day. Injuries are common and death is a constant companion looming over them while they fight against time. Saving people wasn't just Buck's job, it was his calling. Throughout his entire firefighting career Buck was very well aware that something could go wrong anytime. However, death still never scared him before. Even when he had got hit by lightning, he still fought against the odds. And he had won until, eventually, like everyone else in his life, luck had left him.
Losing Bobby seemed to have shattered his worldview into pieces and suddenly time only existed in pre and post Bobby.
The mortality of his loved ones seemed more tangible than ever and fear seeped into his bones and settled into the very core of who he used to be.
He tried his best to act like his usual self but the moment he stepped away from his loved ones and it was truly just him in the room, he could no longer ignore what was in front of him. When he looked into the mirror, he saw cracks that grew bigger each day. They threatened to break his facade that he tried so hard to keep upright.
It had started to affect his work too. There was a fire at a clothing factory and several of their employees were stuck in the building. Thanks to the data that dispatch provided them with, they were able to check if they got everyone out of the building but Buck could have sworn that he still heard a voice calling out for help.
Against Chimney's orders Buck ran back inside to look for the missing person. Everything was engulfed in flames and it was hard to even see his hand in front of him. Then he heard it again.
"..Buck—" A male voice called. There was a twinge of familiarity in it but it was hard to tell since the hissing of the flames drowned everything out.
His blood ran cold even while the temperature inside the factory was scorching hot. Did someone just call his name?
His eyes darted around frantically mapping the ground for anything that could resemble a person. His eyes suddenly stopped as he saw someone partially buried under a fallen conveyor belt. The man had one arm stretched out as if he tried to reach out to him.
He narrowed his eyes and ran towards him ignoring the creaking around him and the warning from his radio that the ceiling was about to come down any moment.
"...Buck... you did good... s’not your f-fault...”
"Bobby?" Buck asked and he crouched down to lift the machine that pinned him down. It was heavier than he thought and sweat collected on his temple. "No, no, I gotta get you out, okay? You'll be okay." He gritted his teeth and pulled on the machine with all his might.
"Don't worry, I've got you." Buck repeated like a mantra. He cursed under his breath when he noticed that he couldn't lift the heavy machine on his own.
Before he could grab his radio and ask for backup, he felt a pair of strong arms pull him backwards. He instinctively fought them off. He was here on a mission, he had to save Bobby. "Let go— let go of me!" He screamed, his voice hoarse.
"Buck, we have to get out!" Ravi shouted desperately. "Look! There's no one there." He pointed to the machine.
"But Bobby—" Buck looked back again and finally noticed that Ravi was right. There was no one there but a mannequin. All this time he was talking to a mannequin. He let out a bitter laugh. "I was so sure."
"Come on. Hurry!" Ravi shoved him outside with determination but the worry in his voice was evident.
When they finally made it outside in one piece, the second floor collapsed and the building folded into itself. Dust and embers filled the air around them. He removed his mask and looked at his teammates, eyes wide.
Not only did he slow down the rescue and went inside against clear instructions but Ravi could also have gotten hurt or worse, died. All, while Buck was busy talking to a dumb mannequin thinking that it was Bobby.
"I'm sorry.. I-I thought—"
"Buck, it's okay, we get it." Chimney reached out to him but Buck slumped his shoulders and retreated back to the fire engine.
After that small things kept happening to him that made him doubt himself even more. He had forgotten to roll in the hose like Bobby taught them, he constantly spaced out and even messed up their lunch. The lasagna that he made from scratch by carefully following Bobby's recipe was now completely burned.
"Don't worry, if you scratch the top off it's probably still edible." Chim tried to cheer him up with no avail.
"That's not how it works. When you scratch the top of it you'll see that the other layers are just as burnt. It's no good." Buck insisted and dumped the food into the trash can.
"It's just food, it happens. You were just a little distracted." Ravi said gently and Buck's frustration only grew. Why did none of them see the writing on the wall?
"It wouldn't have happened to Bobby." Buck croaked out and he felt the atmosphere shift. Suddenly all eyes were on him and he felt his face getting hot.
"Is this still about the lasagna?" Hen asked him and Buck swallowed heavily. "Because I feel this is more about what happened last week."
"Last week? I'm talking about every day. Ever since the lab it feels like I'm cursed." Buck whispered not daring to look at his teammates. The panic in his voice was real and Chim exchanged worried looks with Hen and Ravi.
"Maybe you should take a couple of days off to clear your head?" Chim threw his arms around his shoulder to ease the tension but to Buck it felt like a gut punch. He wasn't needed here, he was only in their way.
"Yeah..yeah.. that's probably a good idea." Buck solemnly nodded and his eyes were fixed on the ground. What was a week, a month or a year going to change though? The old Buck would have fought tooth and nail to keep working but he found that the newer version of himself didn't have much fight left in him.
He knew a defeat when he saw one.
Buck decided to stop sulking and use his time off wisely. A distraction might be exactly what he needed to make him feel like himself again. So he sent off a quick text to Tommy and began to plan a date night.
All that Tommy knew was that Buck wanted to have dinner with him after work but his plan was to surprise him with a drive-in movie instead while enjoying some of the food that Buck had prepared all day. They were playing rom-coms from the early 2000s and it had immediately reminded him of Tommy. Ever since they had gotten back together Buck wanted to make sure that Tommy felt how much he was loved.
During the six months before they had broken up Tommy had been the one who wooed Buck. He organized all the dates and gifted him his favorite pink cardigan that had probably cost a fortune. He bought him Lakers' tickets and took care of him when he had dislocated his shoulder. Buck had enjoyed Tommy's unwavering attention so much that he completely neglected the fact that Tommy must have yearned for some romantic gestures himself. That's why tonight had to be perfect.
Tommy opened the car door with a raised eyebrow and greeted him with a quick peck on his lips. "Hey, I didn't expect you to pick me up with your Jeep. Figured we're gonna uber to the restaurant."
"Yeah, but not tonight. Tonight's going to be special." Buck grinned and his eyes wandered from Tommy's lips down to his shirt. Tommy was wearing a navy blue Henley and Buck noticed that two buttons were undone. Tommy noticed this and cleared his throat, the amusement in his voice evident.
"We better get going if we want to make it in time." Tommy grinned and rested his hand on Buck's thigh. The touch was innocent but it was like Buck's brain short-circuited and didn't know how to function properly when he was around.
"Right.. the restaurant.. I actually—" Buck turned around to grab something from the backseat. "I actually got you something."
"You did?" Tommy raised an eyebrow being completely oblivious as to what Buck was going to give him.
"Um, it's nothing big, so don't get too excited. I just saw them in front of a flower shop and they reminded me of you. When Buck handed him a bouquet of red roses Tommy held them in his hands speechlessly. He stared at them, mouth slightly parted, caught between disbelief and awe. "For me?"
"Shit, it's the roses isn't it? I went for a classic but maybe you don't even like roses and I should have picked other flowers instead." Buck started to spiral, ready to take the flowers back but Tommy held them firmly in his hands now.
"Evan." Tommy said in that voice that he always used when Buck did something either incredibly endearing or stupid. "I love them. They are perfect. No one ever gave me flowers before."
"Well, they should have. You deserve to get flowers."
"But what's the occasion? I didn't get you anything."
"I don't need an occasion to get my boyfriend flowers." Buck laughed. There was a faint blush on Tommy's cheeks and Buck wanted to capture that moment forever.
"You organized all of this while working?" Tommy asked and Buck's smile faltered. Right, he still hadn't told Tommy that he was off duty this week. He wasn't sure why he couldn't just tell Tommy that he'd been ordered to stay at home as he was a danger to himself and everyone else. That he was still not coping while everyone seemed to have gotten their shit together. The world kept spinning without Bobby in it and Buck struggled to keep up.
"Guess I'm just really good at multitasking." He answered and Tommy's eyes lingered on him.
"Is everything okay?" Tommy scanned his expression for any giveaway and a flush crept up his cheeks. Lying wasn't really his strong suit and Tommy always had a way of making him spill his unfiltered thoughts which often resulted in misunderstandings.
"I.." Buck dug his fingers into the steering wheel tearing at the leather. "Of course. Why are you asking?"
"You just seem a bit restless, that's all." Tommy's warm hand covered his. "You know you can always talk to me, right?"
"I know.. Its not that I don't want to talk to you about it.. I just don't think I'm ready yet."
"Well, I'm right here when you are. I'm not going anywhere." Tommy whispered and Buck finally looked at him.
"Promise?"
Tommy laughed. "I promise."
LA traffic was as expected on a Friday evening and Buck prayed that they would still make it in time. He had to be fast to get a good parking spot.
After standing still for several minutes traffic finally kept moving and Buck's focus shifted between Tommy, who was staring out of the window, and the cars ahead of him. Only a few cars made it through before the light turned red again.
Buck tapped his fingers against the steering wheel and hummed to the song on his radio. When the light finally turned green again, he frowned as the two cars ahead hesitated, crawling forward like they had all the time in the world. If they were lucky, they'd still make it. Just as he inched up behind them, the light shifted once again to yellow leaving them in the middle of the intersection.
Buck waited for the ongoing traffic to clear as he suddenly felt the grip of Tommy's hand tighten. He flinched and turned to him confused. But the words got caught in his throat as a sudden violent screech of tires cut through the air.
From the corner of his eye he saw a flash of a red sports car driving towards them, already too close and fast for his liking.
Before he could react, his head got whipped back into the seat with brutal force. A sudden and sharp pain shot through his neck as he was gasping for air.
Everything after happened in slow motion and for a while it felt like he wasn't even there. The world blurred and he was only faintly aware of his car being dragged across the asphalt until both vehicles came to a sudden halt. After realization hit him, Buck let out a painful groan and he looked over to check on Tommy.
His eyes widened in shock when he saw Tommy's eyes closed and head slumped against the shattered window. Blood was already trickling from his nose, trailing down his neck. For a second he saw Bobby in front of him. Bloody nose and a pale complexion. On the verge of dying.
No. No, this can't be happening.
"Tom— Tommy. Say something!" He begged for him to open his deep blue eyes. "Come on, please wake up!"
The petals of the red roses that he had gifted him not long ago were scattered throughout the car and the music that they had listened to played in the background almost mockingly.
♫♪♪ Everyone I know goes away in the end
And you could have it all
My empire of dirt
I will let you down—
I will make you hurt. ♫♪♪
Buck turned to his side and sucked in a painful breath as his ribs and neck protested. He pressed his fingers against Tommy's neck, trying to feel a pulse. He sighed in relief when he noticed one, albeit a weak one.
Buck checked where his phone had fallen to when he suddenly heard a familiar voice fill the wrecked car. He looked down at his wrist.
"911— I see that this call is coming from a smartwatch. Can you confirm if you're a driver, passenger and if anyone is injured?"
"M-Maddie." He whispered, barely audible.
"Buck?! Are you okay? Tell me what happened." He heard whispers in the background and the typing of her keyboard.
"Another car t-boned us at the intersection. Tom— Tommy, he's at the passenger side and he's bleeding." He coughed. "Weak pulse, not responsive. Please send someone fast. I can't lose him, Maddie. I can't—" Buck said between shallow breaths.
"Buck, listen to me. Tommy's going to be okay. I got your location and help is on the way. The 118 is already nearby, it won't take long until they are here. Okay?" Buck nodded, not daring to look away from Tommy who still looked lifeless.
"Stay with me, okay? You gotta tell me where you're hurt." Maddie said to reel him back as the other line became too quiet.
"I think my neck and ribs hurt. Please just get Tommy out. It's all my fault. I should have stopped at yellow." Buck cried. "I didn't mean to hurt him."
"Stop it." Maddie said firmly. "None of this is your fault. The others are here now but I will stay on the line until you're both safe." It wasn't a question but a promise and while Maddie was not here to comfort him physically, her voice was the anchor that Buck needed right now before he would let his fear consume him completely.
Hen was the one that appeared on his side of the car with a concerned expression. "Buck. Are you okay?" She took the flashlight and held it into his direction to check his eyes. Buck shied away from the light and shielded his face.
"You have to help Tommy." He said, voice tight with panic.
"Hold on, we're getting you first. That way we can reach Tommy from the other side."
Once they pulled Buck out from the wrecked car, he hovered nearby, feeling useless as he watched his team lift Tommy on a stretcher. They rushed him towards the ambulance while Buck was still glued on the same spot, barely holding it together.
This night was supposed to be special. They should’ve been curled up in front of a giant screen, eating popcorn and not surrounded by flashing lights and sirens.
All he saw in that moment was Bobby in a body bag all over again. He had to remind himself that Tommy was still alive. Tommy had promised him that he wouldn't go anywhere— but so had Bobby..
He flinched when Hen gently touched his shoulder asking him if he wanted to come with them. The ride to the hospital felt excruciatingly long and Buck held onto Tommy's hand until they wheeled him off to surgery and he was forced to let go.
He wandered around the hospital aimlessly and sat down on one of the plastic benches at the waiting area. After the last bit of adrenaline left his body, he suddenly felt cold and his hands were trembling.
He saw Maddie run through the glass door. She approached him with open arms. "I came as fast as I could. How's he doing?"
"He's in surgery now." Buck mumbled tiredly.
"Tommy's in good hands. He'll recover in no time, you'll see." Buck only nodded weakly. Maddie kept looking at him with a worried expression on her face. While waiting she tried her best to distract him with stories about Jee and Bobby but it was like her brother wasn't paying attention. She was caught off guard when he suddenly interrupted her with a question.
"When you left for Boston because you were scared that you'd hurt Jee— how did you overcome that fear?"
"Is this about Bobby?" She asked gently. "I know how much you loved him. It will take time until you're feeling better again. You just need to be patient and give yourself some grace." She whispered.
Buck suddenly felt how frustration overcame him. "I am trying but it's not working." He snapped at her and jumped up. He groaned as he felt dizzy from the sudden movement.
Maddie noticed that he was in pain and her concern only grew. "Does your head hurt? Did someone check you when you came in here?"
"I'm fine." Buck brushed her off. "Hen checked me."
"Maybe it wouldn't hurt to let a doctor look over it again. Come on, let's go." She gently pulled on his arm but he pushed her away.
"I said I'm fine. Just leave it alone." Buck said defensively and Maddie's eyes widened. He immediately felt guilty for lashing out on his sister when all she wanted was to help him.
"S-sorry, it's just a lot today. I-I better go check on Tommy." He walked around the corner and gripped the wall to steady himself as soon as he was out of her sight.
Three hours later Tommy was finally done with surgery and he got transferred to the ICU. The doctor checked on him later and explained that one of his broken ribs had punctured a blood vessel, causing a minor internal bleeding. There were a few lacerations but other than that he was lucky.
Lucky. Buck noted bitterly. Nothing of this felt lucky to him.
As soon as the doctor was gone, Buck sat down next to Tommy taking in everything in front of him. He held his breath when he noticed that they had to cut Tommy's Henley open to perform the emergency surgery. It was a painful reminder of how quickly everything could change.
He waited patiently at his bedside, eyes fixed on him, too scared to look away. The steady beeping of the heart monitor was the only thing grounding him, proof that Tommy was still here.
He had no idea how much time had passed but at one point he gently brushed his knuckles over Tommy's stubble and startled when Tommy grabbed his hand and kissed it.
"Hey." He smiled, voice still full of sleep.
"How long were you awake?" Buck's eyes widened in surprise. "Wait let me get a nurse."
"Jus' woke up." Tommy said groggily. "Hold on, just wanna be alone with you for a few minutes."
"How do you feel?"
"Like I just got hit by a car." He huffed and Buck's shoulders tensed. Usually he would reply with a snarky or funny reply but this time it was still too real, too raw.
He noticed the tired look on Buck's face and gently patted the spot on his mattress. "Lay down with me?"
"I really shouldn't. The doctor said that two of your ribs are broken and we have to be careful with your stitches."
"Okay?" Tommy looked at him puzzled, not understanding why Buck was so careful. They've been injured before and that never stopped them.
"Why are you looking at me like that?" Buck's voice cracked.
"Nothing. It's just.. Did you get any sleep at all?"
Buck shook his head. "I couldn't sleep. I had to make sure that you're okay."
He gently brushed over Buck's bruised collarbone and Buck gasped.
"I thought I lost you." Buck finally said and his shoulders slumped. "You could have died."
"I'm here though, aren't I? We're firefighters, we're used to it. Takes a lot more than that to take me down." Tommy smiled at him and hoped that this would ease the tense atmosphere.
"This isn't funny. You're not invincible, Tommy." Buck snapped.
"I never said I was." Tommy propped himself up and stared at Buck who now avoided his eyes. "What's going on with you? You're acting strange."
"Why is everyone saying that? You're the one who's acting way too relaxed. We only have this one life which is way too short.. I was careless and you could have died— it would have been my fault." He didn't mean the bite in his voice, but why was Tommy so calm about this. Buck didn't even notice that he had slowly walked backwards until his back hit the door.
"But it wasn't your fault." Tommy argued back. "Wait. Where are you going?" Tommy tried to get up from his bed and winced as his ribs painfully reminded him that he just got out of surgery.
Buck noticed this and looked at him guilty. "I just—"He held himself against the doorframe, suddenly feeling dizzy again. "Need to get some air." His words came out slurred and with that he disappeared around the corner.
Was this how Ali had felt when she said that she couldn't handle him being in danger all the time? But Tommy was right, they were both firefighters and this wouldn't be the last time that one of them got hurt.
He couldn't help but feel paralyzed by the realization that he couldn't stop people from dying. Especially not when he was the reason for hurting them in the first place.
He really wished he could ask Bobby for advice.
In hindsight Tommy felt stupid for not noticing sooner that Buck was clearly still struggling to come to terms with Bobby's death. Tommy had seen him break down in the lab but after that the blonde had seemed fine, at least on the outside. He kept himself busy and made sure that everyone was doing okay to the point where everyone had been able to move on but him.
Chimney and Maddie came to visit him the next morning and Maddie's face fell when Tommy told them what had happened.
"Did Evan show up at work?" Tommy asked Chim who looked surprised by the question.
"What? No.. He didn't tell you? He seemed distracted and all over the place so I told him to take the week off to clear his head." Chim explained but after saying the words out loud he could see how Buck must have misunderstood him. "I really thought that it was best for him." He groaned.
"He never told me any of that." Tommy sucked in a breath. Running away and closing off was usually Tommy's job but very untypical behavior for Evan.
"He's been acting weird last week too. Bobby's been crying and fussing a lot lately and Buck suddenly handed him back to me and refused to hold him ever since. I told him that it was because of his colic but he wouldn't believe me." Maddie told them.
The three of them startled when a doctor knocked at the door. "Mr. Kinard, I'm glad that you're feeling better already." He smiled at him and looked over to the empty bed next to him. "And where did the gentleman next to you go?" The doctor checked his clipboard and then frowned.
"There was another patient in this room?" Tommy asked confused. "Ever since I woke up there was no one else in the room other than.. Evan." Realization suddenly hit him and he had a feeling what the doctor was about to say.
"Yes, that's the one I'm looking for. He's been admitted with a concussion. I take that you were in the same car?"
Chim and Maddie exchanged worried looks. "I had a feeling that something was wrong. He'd been snappy with me the day before and he rarely gets angry. I'll check his house. Chimney, you talk to Hen and the others. He's gotta be somewhere." Maddie said.
"I'm coming with you." Tommy stood up and walked towards the door.
"But you're still injured." Maddie protested.
"When we're finding him and we will, he's going to need me by his side." Tommy said and left no room for argument.
They've been searching the whole city for him but nobody had seen him. It was like he vanished into thin air.
Maddie's been pacing back and forth nervously. "I don't understand. Where could he have run to? We've searched every place he could go to. We gotta file a missing person report if we don't find him in the next few hours." She cried and felt sick just thinking about it.
Tommy's stomach dropped. He thought about the things that had happened the night before. Evan usually sought out Bobby when he had felt helpless. But Bobby was not here anymore. Unless—
"The lab." Tommy suddenly blurted out. "We gotta check the lab."
"The lab's been shut down since the fire. No one's allowed in there." Chimney said.
"It's also the last place where Evan talked to Bobby and the perfect hiding spot."
They parked across the street and Chimney's hand started to tremble. "Sorry, this is as close as I can get to it."
Maddie grabbed his hand and looked at him sadly.
"It's fine. Maddie can stay with you, I'll go alone." Tommy assured him. He could only imagine how Chimney must have felt by coming back here. He remembered the day that Evan slumped against the wall. All he could do was watch him over the monitor. So close and still too far away to comfort him. He regretted it every second. After that they never talked about it and he was too scared to bring it up.
For a moment he was sure that the building would be guarded but when he came closer there were only a few bio hazard signs and tapes. Tommy hoped that the lab door was still sealed shut. He didn't want to even think about the fact that Evan could have exposed himself to the same virus that had killed Bobby.
"Evan?" Tommy shouted. "Evan, are you there?" He stood still and took in the eerily silence. He's never been directly inside the lab but now that he was in here he could practically feel the walls closing in. Then he heard a faint hitch and he turned around sharply.
He peaked around the corner and that's when he finally spotted familiar blonde curls. Evan sat on the floor leaning against the sealed glass door. He covered his eyes with his hands but it was clear that he had been crying. Tommy carefully approached him and sat down next to him.
"I knew I'd find you here." Buck's head snapped up and he stared at Tommy, eyes wide. Just as he had expected his eyes were puffy and red.
With a gentle touch to his shoulder, he eased Buck down, letting his head settle in Tommy's lap where it belonged before he stroked a hand through his messy curls.
"What are you doing?"
"What I should have done when I saw you break down back then. I'm sorry for not seeing how much you were hurting." Tommy whispered.
"You shouldn't be here, you're still injured."
"That makes two of us." Tommy huffed and Buck tilted his head confused. "You've got a concussion, Sweetheart."
"Oh.. I guess that explains why I was feeling so irritated, I guess." He admitted. "I'm so sorry for snapping at you.. and for leaving."
"Already forgiven. Just don't go anywhere where I can't reach you, okay?"
There was a comfortable silence between them and for a brief moment both of them forgot that they weren't at home cuddling but instead on a hard concrete floor at the lab.
"You know I went to their house.." Buck's voice trailed off and Tommy looked at him curiously.
"Bobby and Athena's but—" He stopped, blinking away the tears. "When I looked through the window there was another couple living there. They were cooking together, standing on the same spot that Bobby used to stay and it was like I was stuck in a parallel universe again where Bobby died, but this time no matter what I did, I couldn't wake up from this nightmare."
There was a question on Tommy's lips but he decided to store it away for another time.
"So you came here because you thought you'd see him again?"
"No, but I hoped that if I came back to the spot that turned my whole world upside down, I would be able to end the curse. I'm broken, Tommy. A-and I don't know how to fix it."
"You're not cursed. And you're not broken either." Tommy said softly. "Do you still remember the hurricane?"
"Of course.. what about it?"
"What saved us that day?"
"Not your fake mouth static that is one certain." Buck's face finally lit up and Tommy felt relief wash over him.
"Faith." He answered. "When you're in the eye of a hurricane it's easy to get lost and feel lonely. But you were never alone. You got me and everyone else to guide you out of the storm, okay?"
"And if I hurt you again?"
"Then we're fixing it together. I didn't get back together with you thinking that everything will always go smoothly. I'm here for the good and the bad parts."
"Bobby was right. You're good people, Tommy." He mumbled as exhaustion caught up to him. Tommy rested his arm around him protectively as Buck curled up to him.