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Bucky jolted awake with a sharp gasp, heart pounding and sweat beaded on his skin as he looked around the dark room. Panic engulfed him, and for a moment he thought he was back in his cell, fresh out of cryo, waiting to be sent out on another assignment.
But his senses zeroed in on the soft sheets under him, cool air against his flushed skin from the AC, and the gentle purring of Alpine at his feet. It was only another nightmare.
He lets out a heavy breath, grounding himself with an outstretched hand on soft fur, scratching under the feline’s chin and watching fondly as Alpine leaned into his touch. It felt like she was the only one who didn't shy away from him, her and Steve of course.
Ever since he was brought into the tower —courtesy of Steve and his stubborn insistence— he has felt like an outsider, like he was just intruding rather than residing.
He didn’t know any of these people but he knew they were good people, heroes, and he didn’t exactly have a good reputation nor history. And now here he was, living amongst them, sharing the same kitchen and common area with them.
He would've left and ran away a while ago had it not been for all the cameras and security on him, or the sad and betrayed look in Steve’s face whenever he was caught in his escape attempts, the look triggering something in the back of his head, telling him to stay. So he gave up on escaping a while back ago.
It didn’t help that everybody seemed uptight around him, displeased with his presence if the side eyes and wary glances told him anything. He hadn’t expected a warm welcome
by any means, but it still tugged at something in his heart.
It had especially hurt seeing them happy with Steve and Steve so happy with them. It wasn’t like Steve wasn’t happy with him either, but he always seemed worried over him at the same time, and Bucky didn’t want to drag him down or burden him with all his issues. He knew Steve would never view it that way, if Bucky's scattered memories of Steve from the past and now told him anything, but he still couldn’t help worrying.
There’s a knock at his door that snaps him out of his thoughts, he’s gotten so lost in his head he hadn’t even heard the footsteps walk up to his door. But he was alert enough now to know it was Steve’s.
“Come in.”
The door opens and light spills into the room, making Bucky blink a bit to adjust, watching as Alpine jumps down to greet Steve. He crouches and greets her back with a pet to the head as Bucky speaks up again.
“What’re you doing up?” He asks, a bit concerned seeing the 2:34am on his alarm clock. It wasn’t like Steve to be awake still, he was always stressing to Bucky how rest is important.
Steve stands, “JARVIS alerted me that you woke up distressed, I wanted to check on you,” He explained, a bit flustered.
Bucky hid a frown, he didn’t like how this ‘JARVIS’ was always monitoring him, but it makes sense they’d always want surveillance on him while they figured out how to get rid of his HYDRA programming and just to keep a close eye on him.
“Oh. Sorry, didn’t mean to wake you..”
The guilty look on Bucky's face makes Steve panic a bit, “No- No you didn’t- I was already awake,” He explained quickly.
“How come?”
“Nightmare..” He muttered. Bucky hummed.
“Me too.”
It's silent for a beat before Steve moves over to sit on Bucky's bed, scooting closer when Bucky pulls his legs up to make room. Alpine rejoins them on the bed, retaking her spot.
“Wanna talk about it?” Steve offered, already knowing the answer but he still liked to offer.
“No,” He replied, “Do you?”
Steve contemplated for a moment, before sighing, “I dreamt of when you fell, like I was there again, and still unable to do anything..” He whispered, feeling Bucky tense beside him, it was a hard topic for both of them, “When I woke up and JARVIS said you were distressed I practically jumped out of bed, thinking you might’ve gotten hurt again,” He huffed, feeling a bit embarrassed admitting to getting so worked up when he knew Bucky's had it worse, yet he was the one venting and seeking comfort.
“I should- If you’re alright, I’ll let you get back to sleep,” Steve says as he stands, “If you need anything you know where I am,” He adds as he moves away, but a hand stops him. He looks back a bit startled as Bucky quickly drops his hand.
“Sorry I-“ He starts, hesitating. Steve waited patiently, retaking his spot on the bed, “Steve am I… am I really… that important to you?” He asked, voice barely audible.
Steve just stared for a moment, in utter disbelief. How could Bucky even question that? Did he not know how much Steve put on the line and how far he's gone, would go, just to ensure he's safe and well? To ensure he was here with him?
He wasn’t upset, or even offended by Bucky's words, just shocked and a bit saddened that Bucky thought of himself so lowly, like he wasn’t Steve's everything since they were kids.
The silence and staring made Bucky grow anxious, he didn’t mean to put him on the spot, it just slipped.
Before he could apologize again, Steve seemed to shake out of his thoughts and spoke up, “Buck of course- Of course you’re important to me,” His voice cracked, “How- How could you think you weren’t?”
Now Bucky felt put on the spot. He shifted on the bed, as he willed himself into gaining back some of his nerves, “I dunno, I’m not- I’m not the same anymore, I’ve changed,” Bucky said carefully, voice a murmur, “I don’t deserve your hospitality, not after everything I’ve done. And I don’t want you to feel like you owe me anyways just because of our past.”
“Is that what you think this is about?” Steve asked incredulously, “That I took you in just because you thought I was in debt to you?”
Bucky nods hesitantly.
“Buck, you’re my best friend. We’ve been through so much together,” Steve starts carefully, “Sometimes I do feel like I owe you for everything you’ve done, but I never felt like I was forced to. Everything I’ve done for you was on my own free will,”
Bucky doesn't say anything so Steve barrels on, his thoughts running. Maybe it was the lack of sleep weakening his resolve or it was too much to bear anymore but suddenly everything that he’s wanted to say is spilling out.
“It doesn’t matter to me if you’ve changed, it’s not your fault, you’re still Bucky to me, you’re still the same guy who was there when I felt like I had nobody,” He admitted, feeling way too emotional suddenly.
“Steve..”
“I needed you then and I need you now. When I lost you on that train, I hated myself for it, for not being able to save you, for not going back, or going with you. And I knew if I had let you go a second time, when you needed me again, I could never forgive myself. I…I had you when I had nothing, and I don’t plan on giving that up again. Bucky, I love you too much to live without you again,” He finishes with a choked up voice.
It takes him a moment before he realizes what he's just confessed, he freezes where he sits and can hear Bucky's breath hitch at his admission.
He had been trying his hardest these past few months not to overwhelm Bucky or dump all their past onto him and pressure him to remember, yet here was confessing everything all at once. Great going Steve.
“Oh god sorry Buck I-“ He stammered avoiding his eyes shamefully, as the situation started to really sink in. He feels like he just ruined their relationship, undid all their process. Steve figures he must’ve royally screwed up because Bucky hasn’t said a word since his whole rant.
But Bucky was reeling just as much as Steve was, trying to grasp the entire situation, Steve's confession and feelings, his own feelings. He never knew Steve needed him despite all his issues, and now he’s just realizing just how much he needs Steve as well.
Steve was right, Bucky needed him that day on the helicarrier, needed his words, his presence to break him free from the brainwashing, from Hydra. And he needed him too on that train, when his recklessness landed him barely alive in the snow, praying he’d hear Steve's voice coming to his rescue.
And he needs him now, needs him to tell him stories from
his youth that was lost to Bucky during the years, needs him to fill the blanks in his memory, he needs him to feel real, to feel human.
Steve didn’t treat him like a threat or weapon as everyone else did, and he didn’t realize how much he needed that, didn’t realize that without it, he would’ve gone down a darker path, one without the warmth of their kitchen talks or their catch up movie nights, but one with streaks of blood and a lost mind, a feral animal without its handler.
Bucky was so caught up in thinking that he was just a burden he didn’t realize how much he enjoyed Steve's company, too blinded by self doubt. Didn’t realize how much Steve enjoyed his company as well.
“Im really sorry Buck, forget I said anything,” Steve's voice brings him back to the present, he looked awfully anxious but he was trying to play it off, “I understand if you want space-“
“Steve.” Bucky interrupted, grasping his wrist to stop him once more. Steve froze but didn’t meet his eyes. Bucky tugged him back down to the bed until he finally did.
“I love you too.”
Steve’s eyes widened, “What?”
Bucky frowned, flustered, “You heard me, punk,” He answered gruffly, releasing Steve's wrist to flick him on the forehead.
Steve muttered a small ‘ow’ before adding, “You don’t have to say it just because I said it, I won’t be upset if you..don’t."
“No, I mean it,” Bucky assures him, “I know I don’t have many memories, but the ones I have now are enough for me to know I love you, that I always did, it all feels…familiar, like I've done this before,” He said carefully, he didn’t want to raise Steve's hopes too much, he still had a lot to recover but he needed Steve to know Bucky needed him too.
“But Buck, do you love me the way I love you I-“ His words catch in his throat as Bucky leans forward, in his face now, almost as if he were expecting something, and any thoughts Steve had died right then and there except one, “Can I kiss you?” He asked in a breathless voice.
Before he could once again mull over his words and lack of self control again, Bucky was smiling and closing the gap and pressing his lips to his gently.
For a moment Steve forgot what to do, frozen until Bucky’s right hand, warm and real, reached up and cupped his cheek and suddenly Steve was 17 again, kissing Bucky for the first time when they realized nothing between them was normal for friends, when they realized they could live off each other and nothing else.
He leans into the hand a bit too happily, kissing back finally as he brings his own hand up to hold the side of Buck’s neck to pull him closer like he always did.
The motion makes Bucky break the kiss with a soft gasp, startling Steve a little. For a moment Steve feared Bucky was already rethinking everything, that his feelings were just mixed up, but those fears were quickly erased when Bucky spoke.
“I think… I think I remember this, remember kissing you,” He says a bit breathless but excited, and almost instinctively the hand cupping his cheek reached farther back to stroke
behind his ear, relishing the way Steve’s eyes fluttered, “I remember you really like that too,” He adds with a small laugh.
“Jerk, do you remember this?” He huffs before gently scratching his nails through Bucky's scalp, pulling him closer, he considered it his secret move back then whenever he wanted Bucky to shut up and just kiss him.
Seems like it still worked because Bucky shivers and leans forward into Steve's body with a happy sigh and his forehead against Steve’s shoulder. It made Steve's heart warm with how familiar this all was, how normal it felt despite them being so changed now.
“Is it okay if I sleep here tonight?” Steve asks, not completely ready to let go of this moment. He feels Bucky nod against his shoulder, probably equally as happy to stay in the moment. It's the first time in forever since he’s seen Bucky so…at peace.
Steve pulls his legs up onto the bed, moving his body under the sheets —bothering a sleepy and grumpy alpine with his movement— and settling beside Bucky, the two of them face to face as they laid down, legs tangled, hands barely grazing.
He’s half tempted to just pull Bucky close and squeeze him tightly, to never let him go and shower him in affection after months of just shoulder bumps and back pats, not wanting to scare him off. But he doesn’t want to push too far, he already got one of the greatest kisses in his life, it was enough for him, so he’ll let Bucky decide the pace.
But for now he settles with tucking a stray hair behind Bucky’s hair, smiling at him.
“Goodnight Steve,” Bucky murmurs with a yawn, his eyes tracing Steve’s features a final time before they flutter close, feeling lighter and more at ease than he's had for a while.
“Goodnight Buck,” Steve returns, taking the moment to admire Bucky's face as well, free of stress and weariness for once.
The comforting thought makes his own eyes feel heavy too, fluttering shut, forgetting the stress of his nightmare with Bucky right beside him.
He quietly hopes this becomes a frequent thing, sleeping beside Bucky like they used to. And based on how Bucky had shifted closer overnight, finding his arm loosely wrapped around his chest when he woke, he knows Bucky feels the same