Archive of Our Own ^beta

Chapter Text

August 25th, 10:31 pm

[Chat: Diomedes and Odysseus]

Odysseus: I have a plan

Diomedes: for what???

Odysseus: Being valedictorian

Odysseus: What else

Diomedes: imagine being an academic weapon

Odysseus: You are an academic weapon bro bsfr

Odysseus: You just aren’t on my level

Diomedes: right

Odysseus: So as I was saying

Odysseus: Step one find the second smartest person in this school

Odysseus: Step two make a plan to study together

Odysseus: Step three find out their greatest weakness

Odysseus: Step four use it against them during finals so they’re distracted while I crush every exam

Odysseus: Step five victory

Diomedes: wow

Diomedes: you sound like a supervillain

Diomedes: wait what the fuck do you mean youre going to use someones greatest weakness against them

Odysseus: I’m just saying if someone started a few rumors about crushes or something you wouldn’t be able to trace it back to me

Diomedes: bro thats like psychological warfare

Diomedes: this is why you get no bitches

Odysseus: No

Odysseus: This is why I choose not to get bitches

Odysseus: I’m too busy being valedictorian

Diomedes: i love and accept u homo

Odysseus: That’s significantly more homo than me not dating 

Odysseus: I lOvE aNd AcCePt U my ass

Diomedes: i literally have a girlfriend

Odysseus: Plenty of gay people have had girlfriends

Diomedes: im not gay

Diomedes: go to sleep youre getting annoying

August 26th, 6:30 am

[Chat: 1000 boats]

Agamemnon: wake up asshats

Agamemnon: first day of school

Agamemnon: [sent a video] i woke up the ginger

[Diomedes laughed at a video]

Menelaus: hate u

Achilles: y tfuck r u up rn

Odysseus: Are we going to talk about how he spelled out the fuck in tf

Achilles: get ur stupid capital letters ass out of here

Patroclus: achilles chill

Teucer: wait are all of you seniors now

Lil Ajax: ye

Big Ajax: imagine being a junior

Teucer: :(

Menelaus: :( 

Menelaus: imagine being single ayyyy

Agamemnon: no idea how this guy pulled like that

Odysseus: No idea how he got his girlfriend’s sister to date you

Agamemnon: whats that supposed to mean

Odysseus: Nothing 

Odysseus: Don’t think about it too hard

Diomedes: guys we should meet in the locker room before class

Odysseus: I am not leaving my house any earlier than I have to

Odysseus: I live so fucking far away bro

Menelaus: but bro :(

Menelaus: what will i do without your sweet face

Odysseus: Use your imagination

Menelaus: ughhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh

Menelaus: just move in with me already

Odysseus: Then I’d have to live with Agamemnon

Menelaus: im so lost without you :(

Menelaus: wait nvm helens here!!

Odysseus: Bruhhhhh

Big Ajax: teuce where r u

Big Ajax: get in the car

Lil Ajax: wait wheres practice today

Diomedes: where it always is dumbass

6:38

[Chat: Diomedes and Odysseus]

Diomedes: can you believe this dumbass

Diomedes: odysseusssss

Diomedes: answer meeeeee

Diomedes: ugh youre probably driving

6:42

[Chat: Cousins!!!]

Clytemnestra: who has my mascara

Helen: i literally put it on your dresser

Clytemnestra: i told you to put it back in my bag if you take it

Helen: its on the dresser

Clytemnestra: thats not where i told you to put it

Clytemnestra: and now i cant fucking find it

Helen: open your eyes its on the dresser

Clytemnestra: no it isnt

Clytemnestra: its still in your room

Helen: dont go in my room

Helen: nes get out of my room im coming upstairs

Penelope: Don’t kill each other 

6:45

[Chat: Birth Control Exists]

Castor: [sent a video]

Pollux: the girls are fighting

Damasiclus: why

Castor: mascara

Pollux: he had to google how to spell that

Penelope: If you are my stepbrother and not in the car I’m leaving without you in five minutes

Damasiclus: WAIT

Damasippus: bRoThEr RuN

Damasippus: tHe CaR iTs LeAvInG

Damasiclus: IM COMINH

Aletes: Skibidi ohio rizz

Thoas: EW

Thoas: I HATE MIDDLE SCHOOLERS

[Thoas removed Aletes from the chat]

[Perileos added Aletes to the chat]

Aletes: Hehehehehe

Aletes: [sent a GIF]

Iphthime: Aletes mom says u have to stop 

Aletes: No she didn’t

Aletes: T

Aletes: H jq

Aletes: THIS IS IHOP I HAV HIS PHNOE

Aletes: Sorry Iphi took my phone

Thoas: IHOP

Perileos: IHOP

Damasippus: IHOP

Helen: CASTOR WHY WOULD YOU SEND THAT

Clytemnestra: CASTOR

Timandra: oh my gods will you stop were going to be late

Clytemnestra: shut up timandra

Castor: shut up timandra

Timandra: i hate you 

Timandra: im telling

Phoebe: why are you guys being mean

Pollux: atp were taking the bus

Polymelos: the bus left

Pollux: i forgot you were in this chat

Polymelos: [sent a picture] technically im in pennys car

6:55

[Chat: Cassandra & Penelope]

Penelope: I hate having siblings

Cassandra: Tell me about it

7:10

Diomedes: bitch where are you

Diomedes: class starts in like 5

Odysseus: Coming

Diomedes: dont be late on the first day bro

Odysseus: Here

7:15

[Chat: Little Goats]

Anticleia: Have a great first day you two! Well… “last first day” for Odysseus :’). Love you!

Anticleia: [sent two pictures]

Anticleia: First day of kindergarten… and today. Time flies!

Laertes: Somebody did not want his picture taken, ha ha!

Ctimene: HAHAHAHAHAHA WHY IS HE CHOPPED

Ctimene: NEW CONTACT PHOTO

Odysseus: [sent a photo] Blackmail

Ctimene: EW WHY DOES THE BACK OF MY HAIR LOOK LIKE THAT

Odysseus: Stop texting in class

Ctimene: YOURE TEXTING IN CLASS

7:15

[Chat: Icarius and Penelope]

Penelope: Everyone made it to school on time

[Icarius liked a message]

Icarius: Thanks!

Chapter Text

August 26th, 18:17

[Chat: Diomedes and Odysseus]

Odysseus: The plan is coming together

Diomedes: you mean your supervillain one

Odysseus: Yes that one

Odysseus: I got into the student records and I found my main competition

Diomedes: you mean your victim

Diomedes: i can’t believe coach athena is letting you get away with this

Odysseus: Did I tell you how I did it

Odysseus: It was incredible

Odysseus: I went up to her after class and fed her the lie about teaming up with the second highest achieving student to maximize our potential and she ate it up

Odysseus: Dio this is going to be my best work yet

Diomedes: whos your victim

Odysseus: Penelope Icarius

Odysseus: And get this

Odysseus: She’s Menelaus’s girlfriend’s cousin so I already have an in

Diomedes: do you know how little that narrows it down

Diomedes: helen has like eighty billion cousins 

Odysseus: I highly doubt she has eighty billion cousins

Diomedes: i hate you

Diomedes: she has like ten and half of them go to this school

Odysseus: Yeah and do you want to know the plan?

Diomedes: what’s the plan

Odysseus: It’s very simple

Diomedes: just spit it out

Odysseus: It’s called just asking Helen

Diomedes: right

Diomedes: you don’t know helen

Odysseus: I know Menelaus

Diomedes: what will he think about you talking to her

Odysseus: He’s not that jealous

Odysseus: And I’ll make my intentions very clear

Odysseus: Well my false intentions technically

Diomedes: you’re really going through with this?

Odysseus: Yes I am

Odysseus: I’m really going to be valedictorian

18:25

[Chat: Ctimene and Odysseus]

Ctimene: dinner

18:31

[Chat: Diomedes and Odysseus]

Diomedes: i saw aegialia today by the way

Diomedes: we have math together

Diomedes: she was like on the other side of the room though

Diomedes: a lot of her friends are in that class

Diomedes: she talked with them most of the time

Diomedes: and it’s not like we didn’t see each other this summer i mean we’re next door neighbors

Diomedes: anyway i walked her to her next class and we were talking like normal but she was kind of quiet

Diomedes: is this normal for girls 

Diomedes: not that your chronically single ass would know 

Odysseus: One minute I’m eating dinner

Diomedes: how dare you

Odysseus: Ok first of all I’m single by choice

Odysseus: Secondly was it like a sad quiet or more of a casual quiet

Diomedes: bro idk that’s why i’m asking you

Odysseus: Body language Diomedes what was it

Diomedes: normal

Diomedes: she was literally just walking and messing with her backpack straps

Diomedes: yes i offered to carry it for her but she said no

Odysseus: Ok I’m thinking

Odysseus: Were you holding her hand

Diomedes: no why

Odysseus: BROTHER YOU ARE HER BOYFRIEND

Odysseus: HOLDING HER HAND IN THE HALLWAY IS IN YOUR JOB DESCRIPTION

Diomedes: how was i supposed to know that??????

Diomedes: she said she didn’t like pda????

Odysseus: Holding hands is barely pda

Odysseus: Even my chronically single ass knows that

Diomedes: fuck

Diomedes: gods damn it

Odysseus: Go text your girlfriend

22:52

[Chat: Cassandra and Penelope]

Penelope: Are you still awake?

Cassandra: No

Penelope: Did you look at the AP Gov syllabus yet

Penelope: Or the AP Research

Cassandra: Pen youre stressing yourself out

Penelope: No I’m not

Penelope: I’m just asked if you looked at our assignments yet

Cassandra: You need to go to sleep

Penelope: Will you just stop

Penelope: I’m sorry

Penelope: I shouldn’t have even texted you

Penelope: Good night

Cassandra: That good night better mean youre going to sleep

Cassandra: And not doing more school stuff

Cassandra: I know you don’t want to hear it but I said you were going to overwhelm yourself with all your classes

Cassandra: If you’re getting like this and it’s only the first day of school

Cassandra: Penny there’s no shame in dropping a class or two

Cassandra: Ok I’m going back to bed but take care of yourself 

August 27th, 1:45

Penelope: So you’re telling me to give up?

Penelope: I can’t do that Cassandra you know that

Penelope: If I ever want to get out of here I have to get into a good school and to do that I have to be valedictorian and get 5s on the AP tests and I don’t even play a sport so I have to make sure my other extracurriculars are good enough

Penelope: You don’t even understand 

Penelope: Colleges will see Ilium High School on your transcript and admit you instantly and they’ll see Achaea on mine and rip it apart to see if I’m any better than the other idiots here

Penelope: That was harsh and unfair I shouldn’t have said that

Penelope: Sorry

Penelope: Gods you’re probably asleep sorry again

6:30

[Chat: 1000 boats]

Agamemnon: second day of school gang let’s goooo

Diomedes: once was enough

Lil Ajax: no

Big Ajax: not again

Patroclus: yessss second day!

Diomedes: love the energy pat keep it up

Achilles: is that sarcastic bitch

Patroclus: achilles

Patroclus: chill

6:31

[Chat: Menelaus and Odysseus]

Odysseus: Are you going to be in the locker room

Menelaus: yeah i’ll be there with Helen

Odysseus: Perfect

Odysseus: I have a question for both of you

Menelaus: about what

Odysseus: Ok so basically I convinced Coach Athena to tell me who the second highest GPA in school was and she said it was Helen’s cousin Penelope Icarius

Odysseus: And my thoughts are since I’m taking a lot of classes and she’s probably taking a lot of classes if we help each other out it could make the homework situation a little better

Odysseus: Because bro I was looking at my syllabi last night and it’s not great

Menelaus: ok calling my girlfriend

Odysseus: I need you to call faster so I can drive

Menelaus: you’re leaving already?

Odysseus: You know how fucking far away I live

Menelaus: helen thinks its a good idea but only if you actually help her cousin too because her cousin gets really stressed about like school and stuff

Odysseus: Of course thats the whole point of this

Menelaus: helen says u kind of have a reputation so she wants you to promise

Odysseus: Helen I promise your cousin and her grades are in good hands

Odysseus: Would I lie to you?

Menelaus: yes

Odysseus: Ok fine

Odysseus: Shit I’m actually so late I have to go

Menelaus: helen says you can have her number

Menelaus: [sent a contact]

Menelaus: good luck

7:21

[Chat: Diomedes and Odysseus]

Odysseus: Penelope Icarius’s phone number has been acquired

Odysseus: I was so late because of it but we’re going to ignore that

Diomedes: what did you have to do

Odysseus: Text Menelaus

Odysseus: Bro takes ten years to respond istg

Diomedes: its bc hes always talking to helen

Diomedes: i love the school news bc the teachers never watching to see if were on our phones

Diomedes: like who watches this shit fr

Odysseus: Doesn’t your girlfriend do the news

Diomedes: yeah but her parts tomorrow i think

Odysseus: Oh ok

7:24

[Chat: Odysseus and Penelope]

Odysseus: Good morning, this is Odysseus Laertiades. It has come to my attention that you are a high-achieving student like myself, and as such I would like to propose an academic alliance. What do you say?

7:24

[Chat: Cousins!!!]

Penelope: Helen what the fuck did you do

Chapter Text

August 27th, 7:24

[Chat: Cousins!!!]

Helen: wdym???

Penelope: [sent a screenshot]

Penelope: What the fuck is this

Clytemnestra: the fuck?

Helen: penny i can explain

Penelope: By all means please do

Helen: he texted menelaus this morning bc he found out you were one of the top students in our school and he wanted to make a study group so you could help each other out with homework and stuff

Helen: and i know how stressed you get so i thought you might like having a study partner

Helen: i didn’t think it would be such a big deal

Penelope: Odysseus Laertiades is not study partner material

Penelope: He’ll plagiarise off me or cheat off me or just use me to get his homework done so he can fuck around with the football team

Penelope: I wouldn’t be surprised if he’s trying to take my valedictorian position of something

Clytemnestra: that’s a little extreme

Penelope: It’s what I would do in his situation

Clytemnestra: penny you couldn’t hurt a fly

Penelope: I am not making an “academic alliance” with Odysseus Laertiades

Penelope: That’s such a stupid way to phrase it

Penelope: He just sounds so pompous when he texts 

Penelope: I’m just going to ignore him and he’ll go away

7:26

[Chat: Clytemnestra and Helen]

Helen: do you think she likes him???

Clytemnestra: penny and odysseus laertiades are you serious????

Clytemnestra: absolutely not do you hear yourself??

Helen: ugh you’re right 

11:45

[Chat: Diomedes and Odysseus]

Odysseus: [sent a screenshot]

Odysseus: I fear I am being ignored

Odysseus: Not ideal for the plan

Diomedes: why do you text like that

Odysseus: Irrelevant

Diomedes: no its not

Diomedes: you text like a weirdo no wonder she’s ignoring you

Odysseus: This isn’t about the auto caps thing is it

Diomedes: no it’s about you “proposing an academic alliance” with a “high-achieving student such as yourself”

Diomedes: full offence you sound like a jackass

Odysseus: Damn 

Odysseus: [sent a screenshot]

Odysseus: Does this sound any better

Diomedes: no

14:30

[Chat: Book Club]

Penelope: Hey everyone!! Our first meeting of the year is this Friday in the library after school. We will be picking out our first book of the year and catching up about what we read over the summer!!

14:30

[Chat: Art Club]

Penelope: Hey everyone!! Our first meeting of the year is this Thursday in the art room after school. We will be picking out our first projects of the year and catching up about what we made over the summer!!

14:30

[Chat: Orchestra]

Penelope: Hey everyone!! Our first additional rehearsal of the year is this Saturday in the orchestra room at 9 am sharp. We will be practicing our first pieces of the year and catching up about our summers!!

14:30

[Chat: National Honor Society]

Penelope: Hey everyone!! Our first meeting of the year is this Friday in the library after school. We will be going over our first events of the year and catching up about other plans for this year!!

Penelope: Correction: we will be in Ms. Glaukopis’s room Friday after school, not the library. Sorry for any confusion!

14:31

[Chat: Book Club]

Penelope: Quick correction: our meeting Friday will actually be at 4pm, not right after school. Sorry for any confusion!

14:31

[Chat: Cassandra and Penelope]

Penelope: I’m going to lose my mind

Cassandra: Tell me about it

18:55

[Chat: 1000 boats]

Agamemnon: where were all the underclassmen today

Odysseus: The plague got them

Menelaus: some freshman had a back to school party and now everyone has mono

Lil Ajax: L

Agamemnon: i hate freshmen

Agamemnon: we better not be down any subs for the game next friday

Diomedes: the freshmen never get play time anyway

Diomedes: and we crush this team every year

Agamemnon: the subs are there to make sure we’re rested enough to kick ass in the final quarter

Agamemnon: i know how our team works 

Achilles: just bc ur captain doesnt mean u know everything

Agamemnon: it’s my job to know how the team works achilles and we always burn out in the third quarter

Agamemnon: that’s where the underclassmen come in 

Achilles: ok just lock in

Diomedes: really

Patroclus: i kind of agree with achilles

Patroclus: and like dio said we always crush this team so it will be a good chance to practice stamina and pushing through the pain

Achilles: exactly we’re locking in

Patroclus: and we have a week anyway that’s plenty of time for the freshies to get over their mono

Menelaus: pat i love you but you have no idea the kinds of excuses freshies will make to get out of practice

Achilles: anyways

Achilles: party this wknd at ilium

Achilles: whos in to crash

Agamemnon: how did you get an invite to an ilium party???

Achilles: i know people

Agamemnon: who

Achilles: some chick named briseis 

Achilles: im going as her date

Diomedes: i thought you were gay

Achilles: bisexual asshat

Achilles: im straight for free booze

Achilles: bri has a friend if u want

Diomedes: nah aegialias kind of pissed with me already

Achilles: ew

Agamemnon: i’ll go whos the friend

Achilles: her names chryseis i think

Menelaus: dude clytemnestra’s not going to be super happy either

Agamemnon: its not that serious it’s just a party

Agamemnon: you better not tell helen though

Menelaus: wdym not tell helen

Menelaus: i tell her everything

Agamemnon: yeah that’s the point

Agamemnon: she doesn’t need to know about this

Agamemnon: this is my personal business so don’t tell her anything

Menelaus: i don’t want to lie to my girlfriend

Agamemnon: bro

Agamemnon: it’s not lying if you just don’t say anything or whatever shit odysseus says

Odysseus: You mean lying by omission

Odysseus: Which technically has lying in the name

Menelaus: exactly i don’t want to do any kind of lying to her

Menelaus: i got really lucky with helen i don’t want to mess anything up

Achilles: ew 

Achilles: nasty

Patroclus: achilles he’s being sweet

Agamemnon: whatever

19:05

[Chat: Achilles and Agamemnon]

Agamemnon: send me chryseis’s number

Agamemnon: don’t tell clytemnestra

Chapter Text

August 29th, 8:19

[Chat: Diomedes and Odysseus]

Diomedes: yo

Diomedes: you have a car

Odysseus: What do you want

Diomedes: aegialia is still mad at me i think

Diomedes: idk it seems like she’s avoiding me so i was going to get her flowers

Odysseus: So why are you texting me and not your personal chauffeur

Diomedes: sthenelus is busy

Odysseus: You really need to get your license

Diomedes: that means youre taking me to the mall after practice right

Odysseus: Fine

Odysseus: Unless this Penelope Icarius girl ever texts back

Diomedes: starting to think helen gave you the wrong number

Odysseus: I could have just double texted

Odysseus: But no

Odysseus: Someone said that would “look desperate” and now I’ve been ignored for forty eight hours

Diomedes: just talk to helen yourself and get the right number

Diomedes: or just forget it and leave her alone

Odysseus: No I’m not going to just give up

15:47

[Chat: 1000 boats]

[Achilles left the chat]

16:00

[Chat: AHS Football]

Nestor: Hey Spartans. I think we all know practice was difficult today, but we need to address the elephant in the room. Today we witnessed some upsetting and unprofessional behavior from two members of our team. I had hoped we would all take the incident with Palamedes last year as a lesson, but it seems we need a review of appropriate methods of resolving conflicts. Coach Hera and Coach Athena will be holding a team meeting in the locker room before practice tomorrow to go over the student code of conduct, and expectations for the rest of the season. Thanks. - Mr. Nestor.

[Achilles left the chat]

[Nestor added Achilles to the chat]

[Achilles left the chat]

17:32

[Chat: Cousins!!!]

Penelope: Are you two coming over for dinner tonight?

Helen: no sorry im with menelaus

Helen: there was some drama at practice today he’s pretty upset

Clytemnestra: since when do football players have drama???

Helen: you have no idea

17:44

[Chat: Diomedes and Odysseus]

Diomedes: [sent a picture] i couldn’t figure out the wrapping paper so i just put it in a bag

Odysseus: [liked a message]

Diomedes: do you think achilles was serious about quitting the team

Odysseus: Of course not

Odysseus: Football is like his entire life

Diomedes: if he quits we’re screwed

Odysseus: He isn’t going to quit

Odysseus: He would be an idiot if he did

22:20

[Chat: Cousins!!!]

Helen: i hate men

Clytemnestra: what happened

Helen: ughhhhhh

Helen: so i go over to Menelaus’s

Helen: bc he texted me that football was really bad

Helen: and he was just acting so weird

Helen: so what he said happened was, achilles was going to go to a party tonight with a girl named briseis, which is weird bc i thought he was super gay

Helen: and then he and agamemnon had a huge fight over it at practice???? which makes no sense???

Clytemnestra: achilles and agamemnon?

Helen: yeah

Clytemnestra: i didn’t hear anything about this

Helen: men are so shit at communicating im so sick of it

Clytemnestra: hold on let me call agamemnon

Clytemnestra: that fucker sent me to voicemail

Clytemnestra: he fucking didn’t

Clytemnestra: the audacity

22:20

[Chat: 1000 boats]

Agamemnon: i’m crshing t he party 

Agamemnon: who coming

Lil Ajax: are u drunk already

Agamemnon: ha haaha you know it

Agamemnon: im gona get chryseis man

Agamemnon: shes fine shit

Agamemnon: wayyyyyyy finer than clytmesnsta

Agamemnon: bitch shes trying to call me

Agamemnon: noooo wayyyy 

Agamemnon: who cares if chryseis’s dad said no parties like i dont care fucking achilles won’t share his girl he doesnt even like girls

Odysseus: Menelaus take his phone

Menelaus: he isn’t home

Agamemnon: fuck achilles broooo

Agamemnon: achilles fuck youu 

Odysseus: Go get him

22:25

[Chat: Cousins!!!]

Clytemnestra: he still isn’t answering

Helen: nes what if he’s at the party

Helen: should we go look for him

Clytemnestra: like a fucking babysitter???

Clytemnestra: you know what yeah

Clytemnestra: he could use a little public humiliation

Helen: penny are you coming

Helen: i know you’re awake your light is on

Penelope: I have schoolwork to do

Penelope: Good luck getting your man

22:25

[Chat: 1000 boats]

Menelaus: ok im going

Diomedes: pick me up on your way

Diomedes: if agamemnon is as drunk as he’s texting you aren’t getting him out of there alone

Menelaus: youre right

Menelaus: omw 

22:37

[Chat: Cousins!!!]

Clytemnestra: penny we’re here

Clytemnestra: helen’s inside seeing if he’s there

Penelope: Are you still in the car?

Clytemnestra: yeah

Clytemnestra: penny what do i do if he’s in there

Clytemnestra: i knew the relationship wasn’t going to last

Clytemnestra: i was going to break up with him soon because 

Clytemnestra: i don’t even want to say it because everyone will be so mad at me

Helen: holy shit

Helen: did aegialia break up with diomedes??

Clytemnestra: wait what?

Helen: [sent a photo]

Clytemnestra: oh shit

Penelope: I’m assuming that’s not Diomedes she’s making out with?

Clytemnestra: definitely not

Clytemnestra: is agamemnon there

Clytemnestra: do you see him

Clytemnestra: helen

Clytemnestra: helen tyndareus

Clytemnestra: screw this im going inside

22:40

[Chat: 1000 boats]

Menelaus: guys

Menelaus: helen’s car is here

Menelaus: we just pulled up and helen’s car is here

Odysseus: Didn’t you say Helen and her sister share a car

Odysseus: Maybe Clytemnestra’s looking for Agamemnon too

Diomedes: this is why odysseus is the smart one

Menelaus: so clytemnestra is definitely here

Menelaus: we can hear her yelling from outside

Diomedes: im going in bro i need to see the look on agamemnons face

Diomedes: its going to be so funny

22:47

[Chat; Cousins!!!]

Penelope: Have you found him yet?

22:50

[Chat: 1000 boats]

Odysseus: Did you find him?

22:51

[Chat: Diomedes and Odysseus]

Diomedes: she cheated

Diomedes: i thought she was mad at me

Diomedes: she’s been cheating with fucking capaneus of all people

22:51

[Chat: Menelaus and Odysseus]

Menelaus: odysseus i’m so stupid

Menelaus: i knew everything was too good to be true

22:51

[Chat: Clytemnestra and Penelope]

Clytemnestra: i told him

Clytemnestra: everyone had their cameras out and i just blurted it out

Clytemnestra: oh gods what am i going to do

22:52

[Chat: Helen and Penelope]

Helen: penny i messed up

Helen: i messed up so bad

Chapter Text

August 29th, 23: 45

[Chat: Diomedes and Odysseus]

Diomedes: i just cant believe she would do something like this

Diomedes: and she blocked me too

Diomedes: the weirdest part is im not even that sad i just cant believe it

August 30th, 2:14

[Chat: Helen and Penelope]

Helen: i’m so stupid

Helen: do you think i should text him

Helen: would he even give me a chance

2:16

[Chat: Menelaus and Odysseus]

Menelaus: i can’t even sleep

Menelaus: i just keep thinking about her

Menelaus: and that bastard paris

Menelaus: who does he think he is

Menelaus: wtf who do i think i am

Menelaus: helen can have whoever she wants and im going to be lonely forever

8:34

[Chat: Cousins!!!]

Clytemnestra: guys there are videos

Clytemnestra: gods damn it

Clytemnestra: everyone knows

Clytemnestra: i get so stupid when i’m angry

Clytemnestra: how could i even be angry bc i cheated on him first

Clytemnestra: i need to call aegisthus

10:13

[Chat: Helen and Penelope]

Helen: im so stupid

Helen: paris just texted me

Helen: tell me why i just agreed to go to his place

13:00

[Chat: Agamemnon and Odysseus]

Agamemnon: so i just woke up

Agamemnon: do you know what the fuck is going on

Agamemnon: there are fucking videos and menelaus wont stop crying

Agamemnon: did my girlfriend tell the whole school she cheated on me?

Odysseus: *Ex-girlfriend

Odysseus: You guys broke up

Agamemnon: fuck we did

15:45

[Chat: Diomedes and Odysseus]

Diomedes: im going to rant about this

Diomedes: actually im just gonna call you

18:32

[Chat: Menelaus and Odysseus]

Menelaus: im so heartbroken

Menelaus: can i call you

17:45

[Chat: Cousins!!!]

Helen: guys i dont know what to do

Helen: paris wants us to date but i feel like its too soon

Clytemnestra: helen it’s been less than 24 hours

Helen: hold on

Helen: you know what can we just call

Penelope: I have so much homework I need to get it done

Helen: im calling you guys anyway

19:30

[Chat: Cassandra and Penelope]

Cassandra: Hey I heard about the party

Penelope: Cass I have been on the phone all day with my cousins I haven't gotten anything done

Penelope: I swear if I get one more call I'm resorting to drastic measures

Cassandra: Oof yeah

Cassandra: I’ll leave you to that

19:30

[Chat: Helen and Penelope]

Helen: ok i know we just hung up but can i call you again

August 31, 10:45

[Chat: Odysseus and Penelope]

Penelope: Hi, I know it’s been a couple days, but is the offer for an alliance still open?

Odysseus: Yes it is, if you’re interested.

Penelope: And what would the alliance entail?

Odysseus: Mostly studying and doing homework

Odysseus: Mutual assistance 

Penelope: And how do I know it would be mutual and not just you taking my notes?

Odysseus: First of all, it’s mutual because we’re allies and allies help each other

Odysseus: Secondly I wouldn’t be taking your notes because you’d be sharing them

Odysseus: I’ll share my notes too if you’d like, I took AP Gov last year

Penelope: It’s creepy that you know my schedule

Odysseus: Unintended consequence of looking up the smartest people in school

Penelope: It’s creepy that you remembered

Odysseus: Only so I could propose a trade, my AP Gov notes for your AP Econ ones

Penelope: Those notes cover both Macro and Micro Economics, why would I give you two tests’ worth of material in exchange for one?

Odysseus: I assume you got 5s on those tests

Penelope: You assume correctly

Odysseus: I’ll put in a good word for you with Ms. Glaukopis 

Penelope: I don’t think Ms. Glaukopis takes well to being bribed

Odysseus: Who said anything about bribes?

Penelope: You have a history of bending the rules

Odysseus: It’s creepy that you know my history

Penelope: You were on the school news last year for most yellow cards in school history 

Odysseus: And I wear that badge with pride

Penelope: Didn’t you give a kid a concussion?

Odysseus: No, I didn’t

Odysseus: Nobody knows what happened to Palamedes in that parking lot

Odysseus: It’s tragic, really

Odysseus: So, are you accepting the offer?

Penelope: I haven’t decided yet

Odysseus: I mean you’re still texting me so

Penelope: Just because I’m texting you doesn’t mean I’ve decided

Odysseus: Right

Odysseus: Unfortunately Menelaus is calling me so I must go listen to him cry over your cousin for the third time in three days

Penelope: Gods don’t even start 

Penelope: I’ve been playing emotional support to the Broken Hearts Club Band all weekend

Odysseus: Is that a Beatles reference?????

Penelope: Haha it’s just a bad pun

Odysseus: It’s a pretty good pun

Odysseus: What actually happened at the party? Menelaus starts crying every time he thinks about it and Diomedes was preoccupied with his own business, and the videos aren’t super clear

Penelope: I only know half of the story

Penelope: Helen said Menelaus was being weird about a party Achilles and Briseis were going to, then Agamemnon somehow got involved and they had a fight about it

Penelope: Then Agamemnon showed up at the party blackout drunk and talking about how much he hates Clytemnestra and how he would much rather have some other girl. Clytemnestra walked in during the worst of it, so naturally she was pissed, and announced to everyone that she’d been cheating on him already with Aegisthus

Penelope: You’ve seen the video

Penelope: Meanwhile, my absolute idiot of a cousin decided she needed a drink to deal with the bullshit Agamemnon was spouting, and ended up in a conversation with Paris Priamides that culminated in him kissing her right when Menelaus walked through the door

Penelope: No matter what Menelaus says Helen insists Paris was the one to kiss her first

Odysseus: Damn

Penelope: Helen is a lightweight and a flirty drunk and she knows it, I don’t know what she was thinking

Odysseus: Yeah

Odysseus: Me neither

Penelope: What do you know from your friends?

Odysseus: Actually a lot

Odysseus: Ok so

Odysseus: Achilles decided to go to a party with a girl named Briseis. He said Briseis had a friend, Chryseis, who could take another person. Agamemnon said he would go, and told Menelaus not to tell Helen or Clytemnestra. Then the day before the party, Chryseis’s father banned her from going so Agamemnon basically lost his ticket. He asked Achilles about it at practice and they got into a huge fight in front of our coaches and everything, and Achilles said he was going to quit the team

Penelope: All over a party?

Odysseus: I know it’s so dumb

Odysseus: The night of the party, Agamemnon got super drunk and texted us that he was crashing the party, so Menelaus and Diomedes went to go pick him up before he did something stupid. Unfortunately you know how that turned out.

Penelope: Unfortunately

Penelope: Aren’t you supposed to be on the phone with Menelaus?

Odysseus: Oh yeah I have been

Odysseus: I put myself on mute and every so often I nod and say that sucks

Penelope: Maybe I should try that

Penelope: Actually Clytemnestra’s calling me too

Penelope: I have orchestra rehearsal after school tomorrow, but we could meet up before to start our alliance?

Odysseus: Yeah that should work

Odysseus: Do you want to meet by that one tree with the bench?

Penelope: Sounds good!

Chapter Text

August 31, 11:13

[Chat: Diomedes and Odysseus]

Odysseus: The plan is coming together

11:15

[Chat: Ctimene and Odysseus]

Odysseus: I have a meeting before school tomorrow so you’re either getting dropped off early or taking the bus

Ctimene: what time would we have to wake up

Odysseus: Take the bus

Ctimene: wait i don’t want to take the bus

Ctimene: dyssie 

Ctimene: i don’t want to take the bus

12:35

[Chat: Perileos and Penelope]

Penelope: I have a meeting before school tomorrow, can you drive everyone?

Perileos: a meeting for what

Penelope: Book Club, everyone else is busy in the afternoon

Perileos: what could nerds possibly be doing after school

Penelope: Can you drive everyone?

Penelope: I’ll do your chores tomorrow

Perileos: fine

12:45

[Chat: Diomedes and Odysseus]

Diomedes: bro

Odysseus: [sent a screenshot]

Diomedes: uncrop i want to read the rest

Odysseus: Nosy

Odysseus: [sent a screenshot]

Odysseus: We were complaining about Menelaus’s coping mechanisms

Diomedes: did you start the conversation or did she

Odysseus: She texted first actually

Odysseus: She was smart about it too she made sure I wasn’t planning on scamming her

Diomedes: but you are though

Odysseus: Well yes

Odysseus: I lied to her about that part

Diomedes: why are you the way that you are

September 1, 5:45

[Chat: Ctimene and Odysseus]

Ctimene: [sent a picture]

Ctimene: im awake and ready for school get in the car 

Ctimene: i told you i would wake up on time

6:40

[Chat: Odysseus and Penelope]

Penelope: I’m here!

Odysseus: Be there in 5

7:10

[Chat: Diomedes and Odysseus]

Diomedes: bro where are you

Diomedes: oh wait your plan

Diomedes: hows it going

Odysseus: Fuck

Diomedes: ?

Odysseus: Diomedes

Odysseus: Fuck

Diomedes: what happened

Odysseus: I can’t just abandon the plan

Odysseus: Can I

Odysseus: It’s a good plan

Odysseus: But like

Diomedes: are you having a stroke

Odysseus: When you met Aegialia what was it like

Diomedes: idk

Diomedes: pretty chill????

Diomedes: why???

Odysseus: Ok

Odysseus: Ok I’m chill

Odysseus: I am so incredibly chill

Diomedes: excuse me what is going on

Odysseus: I DONT KNOW BRO

Odysseus: I just saw her when I got to school and then I don’t even know

Odysseus: Like I guess I’ve never actually met her in person but she looked at me across the parking lot and I dropped my phone and it cracked

Odysseus: And I almost walked into a pole

Diomedes: AHAHAHAHA WHAT

Diomedes: IS THIS ABOUT PENELOPE ICARIUS

Diomedes: wait get to class and tell me there

Odysseus: So about that

Odysseus: I took a wrong turn and I’m on the other side of the building

Diomedes: brother

Diomedes: how

Odysseus: Idk I just wasn’t thinking

7:15

[Chat: 1000 boats]

Diomedes: [sent a screenshot]

Diomedes: category 5 emergency 

Diomedes: deploy all troops

Agamemnon: wtf

Menelaus: what happened????

Patroclus: blink twice if you need help

Odysseus: Considering what happened this weekend I don’t think any of you are qualified to help me

Diomedes: just for that i’m going to be obnoxious

Diomedes: HES IN LOOOOOOOOOOVEEEEEEE

Menelaus: WHAT

Lil Ajax: what???????

Diomedes: WITH PENELOPEEEEE ICARIUSSSSSS

Odysseus: I hate you

Achilles: HAHAHAHAHA BITCH

Patroclus: i thought this day would never come

Big Ajax: is this fr or are you making shit up

Diomedes: i am so incredibly fr

Diomedes: [sent a picture]

Diomedes: look at him he can’t even be pissed

Odysseus: No I’m definitely pissed

Agamemnon: HAHAHA HIS FACE

Odysseus: If I see that photo anywhere outside this groupchat you are all dead

Diomedes: :(

Diomedes: I thought being in love would make you a kinder person

Odysseus: It will not

Odysseus: And if anyone says a single fucking word about this conversation I swear to the gods

Agamemnon: damn bro

Agamemnon: u good

Odysseus: I am better than a pomegranate seed in the pits of Hades, Agamemnon how are you this morning?

Menelaus: HAHAHAHA YIKES BRO

Teucer: oh boy

Agamemnon: ngl seeing you crash out is making my day a lot better

Odysseus: So glad I could be of service

7:20

[Chat: Diomedes and Menelaus]

Menelaus: is he actually ok???

Diomedes: i literally could not tell you

8:30

[Chat: Cousins!!!]

Helen: wait penny why did you get to school early today

Helen: perileos said you made him drive everyone else

Clytemnestra: omg it must have been chaos

Penelope: I had a Book Club meeting

Helen: didn’t you just have a book club meeting???

Penelope: We have multiple meetings

Penelope: We’re a club

Helen: ok bc one of my friends saw you with odysseus laertiades outside the school

Clytemnestra: with who??

Penelope: Yeah he was asking about you guys

Penelope: He’s on the football team with Menelaus and Agamemnon

Helen: oh yeah

Helen: he’s the one Menelaus calls his work wife

Penelope: What?????

Helen: yeah it’s really funny Menelaus keeps asking him to move in together

8:32

[Chat: 1000 boats]

Menelaus: odysseus i can’t believe youre leaving me too

Menelaus: you should have moved in with me when you had the chance

Odysseus: Wait is the offer closed

Menelaus: YES YOURE LEAVING ME FOR A GIRL

Odysseus: NO IM NOT

Odysseus: I thought I was your work bitch

Menelaus: you’ll always be my work bitch

Lil Ajax: what if you guys didn’t flirt on the main chat

Odysseus: That’s gay

Menelaus: that’s gay

Diomedes: ajax everyone knows once the flirting leaves the main chat it turns gay

8:33

[Chat: Achilles and Patroclus]

Patroclus: [sent a screenshot]

Patroclus: so since we don’t flirt on the main chat what does that make us???

Achilles: idk gay

8:33

[Chat: Cousins!!!]

Helen: did you tell anyone about what happened

Penelope: Well he knew most of it already

Penelope: The videos were pretty detailed

Helen: right

Penelope: Has anyone asked you about it today

Helen: no

Helen: but people are definitely staring

Clytemnestra: everyone in math got really quiet when i walked in

Clytemnestra: but aegialia’s in that class with me so it wasn’t too bad

Penelope: How is she doing?

Clytemnestra: actually surprisingly well

Clytemnestra: she said she was only dating dio because they were friends in elementary school and both of their families expected them to get together

Clytemnestra: so she’s sad that the friendship took a hit and embarrassed that she got caught cheating but not sad that the relationship is over

Clytemnestra: something like that

Helen: wow

Helen: me and her really need to catch up

Clytemnestra: i know we should all hang out soon and talk about our shitty exes

Clytemnestra: penny you can come too even though you don’t have any exes

Penelope: Hahahaha 

Helen: penny you need a man!!!!!!

Helen: or a woman 

Clytemnestra: or a woman!!

Penelope: I fear it would be a man

Helen: oh??????

Helen: any specific man?????

Penelope: Hahaha no

Clytemnestra: don’t let our bad experiences scare you away from dating

Clytemnestra: there’s someone out there for you girl

Helen: is there anyone you think is hot at least??

Penelope: Not really

Helen: nobody??

Penelope: Nobody

8:40

[Chat: Cassandra and Penelope]

Penelope: I know you’re in class but I’m having a category 5 crash out

Penelope: My cousins are going to be the death of me 

Penelope: Somebody saw me with this one guy and told my cousins and now they’re prying

Penelope: And I said he was just asking about this weekend and I think they believed that part 

Penelope: I just can’t deal with them if they find out

Penelope: They’re going to be so insufferable and make everything worse

Penelope: Because I actually do really like him 

Penelope: And I actually talked to him in person today

Penelope: And he’s really funny and smart and I was so nervous but we just started talking

Penelope: I never just talk like that 

Penelope: I can’t remember half of what I said

Penelope: Gods I probably made a fool of myself

Penelope: I’m as bad as my cousins right now this is so awful I’m sorry for all the notifications 

Penelope: But the worst part is he’s so popular and he’s athletic and super smart and he’s just good at everything

Penelope: And I’m just nobody 

Chapter Text

September 4, 19:45

[Chat: Cousins!!!]

Helen: are you guys sure you don’t want to come to the football game tomorrow

Clytemnestra: helen are you serious

Clytemnestra: agamemnon and menelaus are going to be there

Helen: we’ll be on the other side of the field

Clytemnestra: you’ll be on the other side of the field because you’re going with paris priamedes

Clytemnestra: which don’t even get me started on that

Helen: penny??

Penelope: You know how I feel about football

Penelope: And I would rather not get involved

Helen: fine

20:11

[Chat: Clytemnestra and Penelope]

Clytemnestra: is helen actually mad about this???

Penelope: If you mean mad as in insane then yes

Clytemnestra: no i mean she’s literally angry because we won’t go sit with her and the guy she cheated with 

Clytemnestra: can’t you go with her at least

Penelope: No

Penelope: I don’t like football

Clytemnestra: penny come on

Clytemnestra: it’s like a three hour game and if i have to hear helen complain about being lonely one more time im going to crash out

Penelope: The game is three hours long, there’s no shade in the visitor stands, I’d have to put up with Helen and Paris being themselves and all the drama that comes with that, and they’re going to want to do things afterwards which would extend three hours into six or seven, which exacerbates all of the above

Penelope: That’s six or seven hours of my time plus my sanity gone, when I could be doing homework or working on my crochet project

Penelope: Respectfully I am not going

Clytemnestra: respectfully you need a life

September 5, 6:30

[Chat: 1000 boats]

Agamemnon: GAME DAY GAME DAY 

Agamemnon: GET HYPE

Diomedes: GAME DAYYYYYYYYYY

Teucer: GAMEDAY GAMEDAY GAMEDAY GAMEDAY

Lil Ajax: what jersey are we wearing

Agamemnon: It’s a home game

6:30

[Chat: Diomedes and Odysseus]

Diomedes: can you believe this dumbass

Diomedes: “what jersey are we wearing” THE ONE WEVE WORN TO EVERY HOME GAME FOR THE LAST FOUR YEARS

Diomedes: BRUHHHHHH

7:45

[Chat: Little Goats]

Anticlea: [sent a picture]

Anticlea: First game today… You know what that means :)! Mom and Dad have school spirit, woo-hoo!

Ctimene: awww you guys are so cute

Laertes: Is this what the kids call ‘bonita’?

Ctimene: WHO TAUGHT YOU THAT

Odysseus: WHO TAUGHT YOU THAT

7:45

[Chat: Ctimene and Odysseus]

Ctimene: STOP TEACHING DAD BRAINROT

Odysseus: IT WASN’T ME

8:00

[Chat: AHS Football]

Nestor: Hey there Spartans! It is our first game day of the season! I expect us to be a well-oiled machine today. Remember, leave your personal lives in the locker room, because on the field we are a TEAM. Let’s get out there today, do our best, and have a great start to the season! Spears up!

16:02

[Chat: Cassandra and Penelope]

Cassandra: Are you sure you don’t want to come to the game

Penelope: I’m sure

Cassandra: Will the mystery guy be there?

Penelope: Not everything is about the mystery guy I just don’t like football

Penelope: I never have

Cassandra: Ok but will the mystery guy be at the football game

Penelope: I’m not telling you

Cassandra: Penny

Cassandra: You can’t just ignore the crush until it goes away

Penelope: Cassandra

Penelope: Watch me

16:31

[Chat: Diomedes and Odysseus]

Diomedes: bro where are you

Diomedes: we’re supposed to be having a meeting in the locker room

Odysseus: Omw

Diomedes: unless youre finally texting your girlfriend back

Odysseus: She isn’t my girlfriend

Diomedes: YET

Diomedes: ask her out

Diomedes: do it right now

Odysseus: Shut up

18:14

[Chat: Cousins!!!]

Helen: [sent a picture]

Helen: view from the stands!

Clytemnestra: i really did not need to see agamemnon’s face today

Penelope: Where is he?

Helen: [sent a screenshot]

Helen: he’s the blurry one in the middle

Helen: wait no

Helen: no that is him i was right

Helen: the really big guy next to him is ajax and the really short blurry one in front of him is odysseus

Clytemnestra: that’s so unfortunate

Penelope: He’s the same height as me that isn’t super bad

Clytemnestra: girl

Helen: ok wait the game is starting

18:45

[Chat: Icarius and Penelope]

Icarius: Are you home

Penelope: I’m doing homework, what’s up?

Icarius: Can you pick up Iphthime from soccer 

Icarius: And the boys want dinner

Penelope: Are you or Asterodia making dinner?

Icarius: Ordering pizza

Icarius: Can you pick it up

Penelope: Sure why not

Icarius: Ok thanks

18:46

[Chat: Little Goats]

Odysseus: End of 1st quarter tied 7-7

Anticlea: Woo-hoo! Go Spartans!

Ctimene: are you kicking butt

Odysseus: Trying to

19:35

Odysseus: Halftime they’re up 3

Odysseus: Also Menelaus saw Helen in the other team’s stands

Laertes: Yikes!

17:35

Odysseus: Longest 3rd quarter ever but we’re up 3 now

Odysseus: Helen is sitting with Paris the guy she cheated on him with

Odysseus: Nestor is telling him to “channel his rage”

Ctimene: bruh

18:17

Odysseus: We tied

Anticlea: Not a loss!

Odysseus: Only technically

Odysseus: Can’t believe I’m saying this but we really could have used Achilles on some of those plays

Laertes: Have you heard anything from him??

Odysseus: Nope

Odysseus: All he does is post bad ukulele covers on TikTok

Ctimene: wait i want to see

Odysseus: Trust me you don’t

18:34

Odysseus: Update Menelaus just channeled his rage into Paris’s face!!

Anticlea: What happened?

Odysseus: Menelaus pulled his hair and tried to punch him in the face

Odysseus: The other team’s assistant coach broke it up before anyone got hurt

Laertes: Will Menelaus be in trouble?

Odysseus: Probably not because Paris started it and everyone heard him talking shit

Odysseus: Also Menelaus is the Athletic Director’s favorite

Odysseus: He’ll get a warning and then let off easy

Ctimene: but that isn’t fair

Odysseus: Neither is Achilles refusing to play but here we are

18:39

[Chat: Odysseus and Penelope]

Odysseus: You think Paris Priamedes is stupid right?

Penelope: Obviously

Penelope: May I ask why you’re starting a conversation this way?

Odysseus: I happen to have a video of Menelaus trying to punch him in the face

Penelope: Send it

Penelope: Please

Odysseus: [sent a video]

Penelope: Oh my gods why is that so funny

Penelope: [sent a screenshot]

Penelope: Why is he pulling his hair like that???

Odysseus: Because Paris has the stupidest haircut the world has ever seen

Penelope: Odysseus I think this video just made my day

Odysseus: Penelope witnessing this live made my day

Penelope: How was the game?

Odysseus: Long and pointless

Odysseus: We tied

Penelope: Oh no

Penelope: I mean congratulations you didn’t lose but I don’t know tying is almost worse than losing in my opinion

Odysseus: EXACTLY

Odysseus: THANK YOU

Odysseus: The point of competing is to see who’s better and if you tie it defeats the entire purpose if the game

Penelope: I’ve heard people say ties are a sign of an equal match

Odysseus: An equal match is when you have an even win to loss ratio, tying is just a stalemate

Penelope: Don’t tell me you’re one of those statistics guys

Odysseus: I am not one of those statistics guys

Penelope: And now you’re lying to me

Odysseus: Prove it

Penelope: Prove it????

Penelope: Ok Mr “even win to loss ratio” 

Penelope: Mr “I wish I could take AP Stats again that class was so fun”

Odysseus: I don’t remember saying that

Odysseus: I don’t think that’s something I would say because I’m not one of those statistics guys

Penelope: You literally said it on Monday

Odysseus: I’ve changed as a person since then

Penelope: HAHAHAHA

Penelope: I think I win this time

Odysseus: What if we call it a tie

Penelope: What if you accept the fact that I won

Odysseus: I would rather drown in my own hypocrisy

Odysseus: Rematch

Penelope: I have to pick up my sister but I’ll put it on the calendar

Penelope: Same time same place?

Odysseus: Same time same place?

Odysseus: Haha jinx

Penelope: Wow even the punctuation 

Penelope: Ok I really do have to go

Penelope: I’ll see you

Odysseus: See you

19:24

[Chat: Cassandra and Penelope]

Penelope: Cassandra I am so screwed

19:24

[Chat: Diomedes and Odysseus]

Odysseus: Diomedes I am so screwed

Chapter Text

September 8, 1:38

[Chat: Odysseus and Diomedes]

Odysseus: What if I skip school tomorrow

Odysseus: Technically today

Odysseus: Like what if I fake sick 

Odysseus: My parents will believe me

Diomedes: what about your meeting with penelope

Odysseus: Why are you awake?

Diomedes: why are you texting me at 2 am

Odysseus: It’s 1:38

Diomedes: bruh

Diomedes: why are you awake

Odysseus: Idk I can’t stop thinking

Odysseus: I can’t miss school tomorrow we’re actually doing stuff in class now

Odysseus: And if I miss school I have to miss practice

Odysseus: And I’d just be in my house all day thinking

Odysseus: What if I just oversleep and miss the meeting

Odysseus: But I don’t want to 

Odysseus: But I also don’t want to go

Odysseus: I don’t know

Diomedes: dude

Diomedes: go to sleep

Odysseus: I don’t want her to think I’m ghosting her but I never have trouble ghosting people so I don’t know why this is bugging me so much

Diomedes: it’s because you like her go to sleep

Odysseus: But I don’t like her

Odysseus: I know I like her

Odysseus: Gods I like her so much

Odysseus: She’s like

Odysseus: I can’t do this

Odysseus: My parents would believe me if I fake sick right

Diomedes: you are thinking in circles go to sleep

Odysseus: Wait why are you awake?

Diomedes: when am i not awake

Odysseus: Dude

Diomedes: don’t worry about it

Diomedes: we’re both going to sleep

6:00

[Chat: Clytemnestra and Penelope]

Clytemnestra: helen never came home last night

Clytemnestra: she went back to the priamedes house

Penelope: Are you surprised

Clytemnestra: yes i am i thought she’d at least let me know

Penelope: She didn’t text you??

Clytemnestra: no 

6:00

[Chat: Cassandra and Penelope]

Penelope: Is Helen at your house???

Cassandra: Yes didn’t she text you??

Penelope: No, she didn’t

Cassandra: Oh my gods

Cassandra: Yeah she and Paris got back pretty late

Cassandra: Apparently Paris got in a fight with Menelaus but a teacher stepped in before he could get his ass beaten??

Penelope: [sent a video]

Penelope: Paris started it

Cassandra: That doesn’t surprise me

Cassandra: Where did you get the video?

Penelope: Clytemnestra

Penelope: I don’t know who sent it to her

Cassandra: Who else does she know on the football team?

Penelope: No idea

Penelope: I have to go I have another meeting before school

Cassandra: Book Club again?

Penelope: Yep

Penelope: It’s actually easier to reserve the library before school so it might end up being a regular thing

Cassandra: Hmmm

Cassandra: Is Mystery Boy in Book Club??

Penelope: No

Penelope: Mystery Boy isn’t a nerd

6:00

[Chat: Odysseus and Diomedes]

Odysseus: Dude did you see

Odysseus: Theseus scored 4 touchdowns last night

Odysseus: Last season he had 15 TDs 10 rushing and 5 receiving with 1,850 rushing yards so if he scores like that again he’ll tie the record Perseus set when he was on the Gorgons

Odysseus: But he’s also playing with a whole new team so that might set him back

Odysseus: He’s the last founding member of the Minotaurs now it’ll be like a whole new team once he retires

Diomedes: i had fifteen minutes left of sleep before my alarm was supposed to go off

Diomedes: could your nerd ass have waited

Diomedes: actually since im up what was going on at 2 am

Odysseus: It was 1:38

Odysseus: Had a minor crashout

Odysseus: And now it’s chill

Diomedes: right

Diomedes: so what time do you have to leave to meet with penelope?

Odysseus: oh shit

6:02

[Chat: Icarius and Penelope]

Icarius: Why is Perileos driving everyone to school today?

Penelope: I have a Book Club meeting this morning

Penelope: I told you about it yesterday

Icarius: Oh. Right

6:10

[Chat: Ctimene and Odysseus]

Odysseus: Ctimi you need to hurry up we are so late

Ctimene: im going fast

Ctimene: u didn’t say we wre going early 

Odysseus: Yeah bc Nestor sent out the reminder super late

Odysseus: Ctimi

Odysseus: Ctimi

Odysseus: Ctimothy

Ctimene: stop im literally almost done

6:11

[Chat: Odysseus and Penelope]

Odysseus: Im on my way I may be like 10 minutes late

Penelope: I thought we weren’t meeting until 6:45?

Odysseus: Yeah I live like 45 minutes away

Penelope: Where do you live????

Odysseus: Ithaca

Odysseus: In Cephalonia County 

Penelope: How did you end up at Achaea??

Odysseus: Long story short I did really well on a lot of tests

Odysseus: Time management was not one of them

6:12

[Chat: Ctimene and Odysseus]

Odysseus: I am leaving without you in 30 seconds

Odysseus: 29

Odysseus: 28

Ctimene: no wait

Odysseus: 27

Odysseus: 26

Ctimene: im putting shoes on

Odysseus: 25

6:45

[Chat: Odysseus and Penelope]

Penelope: I’m by the tree, no rush though!

6:50

Penelope: Oh my gods you will not believe what just happened

Penelope: Drive faster

Penelope: Don’t speed but drive faster

6:52

[Chat: 1000 boats]

Patroclus: guys wtf just happened

Patroclus: why are mene and dio in the principle’s office

Teucer: it was so fucking badass

Agamemnon: these pricks from ilium showed up in the parking lot and tried to beat him up

Patroclus: what?????

Agamemnon: they tried to beat him up

Agamemnon: they’re fucking dead for putting their hands on my brother

Patroclus: is he ok????

Menelaus: i’m completely fine agamemnon is overreacting

Agamemnon: they pushed you

Menelaus: and i’m literally fine it was a wimpy ass push

Agamemnon: whatever

Agamemnon: i’m just glad dio was there

Menelaus: dude he went absolutely feral it was so cool

Diomedes: THREE DAYS OFF SCHOOL LETS GOOOOOO

Menelaus: only three days????

Menelaus: you punched Mr. Ares

Teucer: he punched Mr. Ares????

Menelaus: and some guy’s hot mom

Diomedes: coach athena convinced them it was an accident in the heat of the moment 

Diomedes: i have the most aura in this entire school

Diomedes: i am so cool 

Agamemnon: so how many people did you fight in total?

Diomedes: uhhhh

Diomedes: at least 4

Diomedes: pandarus the guy who pushed mene, some bitch named aeneas, aeneas’s hot mom who ig was the one who broke up the fight with mene and paris, and then mr. ares

Diomedes: light work

Agamemnon: dude

Agamemnon: that’s really badass

6:54

[Chat: Odysseus and Penelope]

Odysseus: HERE

Odysseus: Wait what happened

Penelope: Your friend Diomedes punched Mr. Ares and somebody’s mom

Odysseus: He what

6:54

[Chat: 1000 boats]

Odysseus: Diomedes Tydides what the actual fuck

Diomedes: scroll up bro

Diomedes: read about my achievements

Menelaus: i think the fame is going to his head

6:55

[Chat: Odysseus and Penelope]

Odysseus: [sent screenshots]

Odysseus: So he fought four people and I missed it????

Penelope: [sent a video]

Penelope: Consider this repayment for the video from Friday

Odysseus: Oh my gods this is awesome

Odysseus: Are you still by the tree

Penelope: Haha yes

Penelope: I see you

Penelope: You looked the wrong way

Penelope: That’s still the wrong way

Penelope: Hi :)

Chapter Text

September 10, 13:45

[Chat: Odysseus and Penelope]

Odysseus: Heads up AP Psych just handed out a whole forest’s worth of trees in the form of a review packet

Odysseus: Kill me now

Penelope: [sent a picture]

Penelope Is it comparable to the one I got from AP Gov this morning

Odysseus: [sent a picture]

Odysseus: Unfortunately for deforestation yeah

Penelope: There goes my weekend

September 11, 9:31

[Chat: Icarius and Penelope]

Icarius: Your stepmom and I are going on a date night tonight please remember to get everyone to activities

Icarius: I think Damasiclus and Aletes have swim and Iphthime has soccer

Penelope: Damasippus is the one on the swim team

Penelope: And Polymelos and Thoas have math tutoring, and Imeusimas has band

Penelope: Can you leave a car so Perileos can help with driving

Icarius: I think Perileos said he was going to a friend’s tonight

Icarius: Let me see if Tyndareus can drive some of them

23:38

[Chat: Cassandra and Penelope]

Penelope: I am going to lose my mind

Penelope: I’ve been driving all day none of my homework is done

Penelope: I have 22 minutes to finish math

Penelope: I can’t even be texting I need to finish this

September 12, 6:30

Agamemnon: GAME DAY AGAIN BITCHES 

Agamemnon: LETS GOOOOOO

Lil Ajax: trojans going downnnnnn

Teucer: bro we’re playing them so many times this year it’s actually insane

Odysseus: yeah no idea who made that game schedule

Diomedes: WHO CARES WE’RE KICKING ASS

Diomedes: achaea’s coolest guy is free from suspension

Diomedes: about to destroy the trojans like i destroyed that pandarus kid

Menelaus: pull a nestor and channel that rage bro

Diomedes: hell yeah

11:13

[Chat: Cousins!!!]

Penelope: Are either of you free to help with driving tonight or this weekend?

Penelope: My dad and Asterodia are celebrating their anniversary early ig

14:30

[Chat: AHS Football]

Nestor: Alright Spartans! Buses to Ilium are leaving in ten minutes! Let’s load up and roll out!

14:30

[Chat: 1000 boats]

Agamemnon: nobody miss the bus this time guys

Agamemnon: and by nobody i mean you odysseus

Odysseus: Dude that was one time

Diomedes: youve had too many close calls

15:15

[Chat: Little Goats]

Anticlea: Happy game day! Drive safe and keep us updated!

Odysseus: Update number one Nestor is currently talking our ears off

Laertes: He probably has some good advice for today’s game.

Odysseus: No he just loves the sound of his own voice

Odysseus: Update two Diomedes is invading my personal space

Odysseus: There is so much room in this seat and he is practically on top of me

Odysseus: He says hi btw

Anticlea: Hello Diomedes! Good luck to both of you!

Odysseus: He would also like to know if you are making cookies for the next game

Anticlea: Ha ha! Yes, I can definitely bring some :)

15:21

[Chat: 1000 boats]

Diomedes: ODYSSEUS’S MOM IS MAKING COOKIES NEXT GAME

Menelaus: YESSS LETS GO

Teucer: YESSSSSSSSSS

Agamemnon: is she making the apple ones

Odysseus: Idk probably

Agamemnon: HELL YEAH 

Menelaus: when you move in with me you should bring your mom

Menelaus: actually just bring your whole family

Menelaus: bro move your whole house into my backyard

Odysseus: Bro

Odysseus: Let’s do it

16:02

[Chat: Cousins!!!]

Penelope: I am genuinely going to crash out if my dad texts me one more time

Penelope: [sent a picture]

Penelope: Look at all the homework I have to do

Clytemnestra: good luck girl

18:31

[Chat: Little Goats]

Odysseus: We are winning by so much right now

Odysseus: It’s halftime

Odysseus: 21-3

Laertes: Wow!

Ctimene: are you kicking butt

Odysseus: Oh yeah

Odysseus: Teucer had some crazy kicks

Odysseus: Ajax said their QB is really good but the Trojans haven’t really been able to do anything bc we’re keeping them on defense

Odysseus: The Trojans are so bad this year they’re going down

19:25

[Chat: Icarius and Penelope]

Icarius: Are you home right now?

Penelope: No

Icarius: Where are you?

Penelope: I’m not driving anyone else today

Penelope: I need to get my homework done

Icarius: Well I still want to know where you are.

Penelope: I’m in my room where I always am

Icarius: I need you to make dinner tonight

Penelope: What part of I have homework do you not understand

Penelope: I can’t make dinner I can’t drive my siblings you and Asterodia are the ones who decided to have nine kids and my grades aren’t going to suffer from that 

Penelope: So stop fucking asking me for everything

19:26

[Chat: Cassandra and Penelope]

Penelope: Mistakes have been made

19:26

[Chat: Icarius and Penelope]

Icarius: Penelope Icarius I do not appreciate that tone or that language.

Icarius: You have made it very clear that you can’t wait to leave this house, but you are not exempt from the responsibilities of this family. Your siblings rely on you to be mature and respectful and this is not the kind of example you should be setting for them. I am very disappointed.

Icarius: I expected more from you. 

21:48

[Chat: Little Goats]

Anticlea: Any update on the game?

Odysseus: Yeah the whole team fell apart in the third quarter

Odysseus: We lost

Odysseus: By a lot

Odysseus: Bc no one on this team can keep it together

22:00

[Chat: 1000 boats]

Agamemnon: fucking ilium

Agamemnon: this is what i told fucking achilles 

Agamemnon: us and our third quarter crashouts 

Agamemnon: there goes our senior season

Diomedes: yk i thought team captains were supposed to be inspirational

Diomedes: who gives a shit about achilles anyway

Diomedes: screw him

Diomedes: look at our first half we’re obviously a good team we just need to keep the momentum going and build up our stamina

Diomedes: focus on the war not the battles

Menelaus: number one hype man over here

Odysseus: Dio punches two adults and suddenly he’s an inspirational speaker

Diomedes: ayyyyy

Agamemnon: yeah everyone listen to dio

Diomedes: say that again???? a little louder????

Agamemnon: you’re lucky i said it once

22:10

[Chat: Iphthime and Penelope]

Iphthime: R u sad

Penelope: I’m just a little stressed don’t worry about me

Penelope: Go to sleep it’s past your bedtime

Iphthime: But no school tomorrow 

Iphthime: And ur sad :( 

Iphthime: We can listen to ur weird old bug music

Penelope: You mean the Beatles?

Iphthime: Yeah the bug music

Iphthime: Bc ur sad

Penelope: Ok, but only for a couple minutes because you need to go to bed

Iphthime: Yayayayayayay

Iphthime: <3 :) <3 :) <3 :)

Chapter Text

September 13, 8:00 am

[Chat: Odysseus and Penelope]

Penelope: Have you done the AP Psych packet yet?

Penelope: Is it bad?

Odysseus: It’s so boring

Odysseus: It’s basically all fill in the blanks and it still took multiple hours

Penelope: Ugh

Penelope: When did you have time to do it? I thought you had a game last night

Odysseus: Yeah we lost to the Trojans of all people

Penelope: We lost to the Trojans????

Odysseus: I know it was so stupid

Odysseus: Our team is full of dumbasses who for some reason can’t function without the top dumbass Achilles

Odysseus: So I started doing homework to forget the shit show that was the game

Penelope: Valid

Penelope: I do homework to forget the shit show that is my house

Penelope: It’s honestly a miracle that I have my own room and I don’t have to share with anyone

Odysseus: You have a lot of siblings right?

Penelope: I’m the oldest of nine

Odysseus: Damn

Penelope: Three of them are stepbrothers and one is a half sister

Penelope: Do you have siblings?

Odysseus: Nope just me

Odysseus: And technically the gremlin but I don’t think that counts

Penelope: Oh really?

Penelope: How old is this gremlin

Odysseus: She’s been living in my house for about thirteen years

Odysseus: I wanted to send her back to the swamp but I guess my parents like her

Penelope: She hasn’t grown on you at all?

Odysseus: No.

Penelope: Hahaha not the punctuation

Odysseus: She was singing in the shower at six thirty this morning

Odysseus: Six. Thirty.

Odysseus: Taylor. Swift.

Penelope: HAHAHAHAHA

Penelope: You aren’t a fan???

Odysseus: I’m not a fan of anything at six thirty 

Penelope: So how much sleep did you actually get?

Odysseus: A full eight hours

Penelope: Odysseus

Odysseus: So anyway do you want the AP Psych notes

Penelope: How long have you been awake

Odysseus: I have the right to remain silent

Penelope: You have the right but not the ability

Odysseus: HAHAHAHAHAHAHA

Penelope: Wait that was so mean I’m so sorry

Odysseus: NO THAT WAS SO FUNNY

Odysseus: Damn Icarius that was good

Penelope: I still want to know how long you’ve been awake

Odysseus: Only 27 hours that’s basically nothing

Penelope: Odysseus Laertiades

Odysseus: That’s like a casual all nighter

Odysseus: I did three in a row once that was bad

Odysseus: But I do this like at least once a week

Penelope: Just because you do it often doesn’t mean it’s not bad for you

Penelope: Actually I’d argue it’s even worse if it’s a habit

Odysseus: But I do some of my best work in the middle of the night

Odysseus: I’m nocturnal

Penelope: Like an owl?

Odysseus: Hoo me?

Penelope: Oh my gods 

Penelope: That’s terrible

Penelope: Blocked

Odysseus: No wait

Penelope: Yes?

Odysseus: Don’t block me my puns are such a hoot

Penelope: You’re getting worse than blocked for that one

Odysseus: What’s worse than blocked

Odysseus: Penelope??

Odysseus: Oh my gods you’re leaving me on read

Odysseus: Hoo do you think you are

Odysseus: Owl have to make the most of this 

Odysseus: Knock knock

Odysseus: Who’s there?

Odysseus: Hoo

Odysseus: Hoo who?

Odysseus: Oh look it’s an owl

Odysseus: Are you regretting this yet because I can keep going

Odysseus: I’ve been told I’m very annoying

Odysseus: I hope I’m distracting you

Odysseus: You know what’s really distracting?

Odysseus: First of all me

Odysseus: But also my dog

Odysseus: He’s the cutest dog in the world and you’re not getting a picture

Odysseus: He’s in my room I could take a picture of him right now

Odysseus: He’s being very photogenic

Odysseus: It would be so easy to open the camera app

Odysseus: But alas

8:30

[Chat: Big Ajax, Nestor, and Odysseus]

Nestor: Good morning Spartans, Coach Nestor here. I know both of you were disappointed with the way we played yesterday. If you’ll take advice from an old man, I figure we need Peleides back on the field. Telamon, you’re pretty close with him, and Laertiades, you’re pretty persuasive. Any chance you two would be willing to talk to him?

Odysseus: Coach if I have to leave my house to go talk to Achilles at 9 am on a Saturday I think I should be exempt from doing laps on Monday

Big Ajax: wait can i be exempt too

Nestor: You know what, sure. Just please try to get him back without making the situation worse.

Odysseus: Coach when have I ever done that??

Nestor: I’m not even going to answer that question.

Nestor: Keep me updated boys

Big Ajax: sir yes sir

8:32

[Chat: Odysseus and Penelope]

Penelope: Ok fine lol

Penelope: Show me the dog

Odysseus: Unfortunately the window has closed

Penelope: No!!!

Odysseus: Coach Nestor recruited me to bully Achilles back onto the team so I have to go

Penelope: Good luck with that

Odysseus: Thanks I’m going to need it

9:06

[Chat: Big Ajax and Odysseus]

Big Ajax: yo

Big Ajax: are you here

Odysseus: Parking

Big Ajax: bruh

Big Ajax: wait should we text and let him know were here

Odysseus: Did you not do that already???

Big Ajax: no

Odysseus: Bro

9:07

[Chat: Achilles, Big Ajax, and Odysseus]

Odysseus: Ajax is outside your house I’m on my way

Achilles: dude wtf

Big Ajax: we want you to come back to the team

Achilles: yeah no

9:08

[Chat: Big Ajax and Odysseus]

Odysseus: This is why you need to let me do the talking

9:08

[Chat: Achilles, Big Ajax, and Odysseus]

Odysseus: Agamemnon said he’d apologize to you, and Coach Nestor is going to erase your absences 

Odysseus: The team is really struggling without you

Achilles: no duh

Achilles: im ur best player n thats the only reason u want me back

Odysseus: Will you just let us in so we can talk face to face?

Achilles: bruh

Odysseus: Patroclus let us in we’re coming upstairs

Achilles: i will throw my uke at u if you come in here

Odysseus: Good thing it’s not a real guitar 

Achilles: fuck u bitch

Achilles: u dont play any instrument u dont know what ur talking abt

Achilles: my wonderwall cover got 3k likes

Achilles: im not talking to you and im not going back to the team

9:48

[Chat: Big Ajax, Nestor, and Odysseus]

Odysseus: Well

Odysseus: We tried

Big Ajax: he tried to throw a ukelele at us

Nestor: Oh wow. Thanks for trying boys, I’ll see if I can get Phoenix to talk to him.

Odysseus: Tell him to bring a shield

10:48

[Chat: Cassandra and Penelope]

Cassandra: How’s homework going?

Penelope: Oh gods it’s so bad

Cassandra: Do you want me to try and help??

Penelope: No it’s not hard or anything there’s just a lot of it and I can’t focus

Penelope: I was texting the guy all morning

Cassandra: Oh???????

Penelope: He kept making really bad owl puns

Penelope: He uses the word alas unironically

Penelope: He isn’t at all like who I thought he was but he’s so fucking cute and I hate it because now I can’t get anything done

Penelope: I knew this was going to happen if I let myself have a crush

Penelope: No it’s not a crush

Penelope: I do not have a crush

Penelope: We’re just friends who talk about homework and that’s it he would never want anything more with me

Cassandra: Except owl puns right?

Penelope: You are not helping

10:48

[Chat: Odysseus and Penelope]

Odysseus: [sent a picture]

Odysseus: This is Argos by the way

10:48

[Chat: Cassandra and Penelope]

Penelope: FUCK HE HAS A DOG

Cassandra: Oh girl

Chapter Text

September 18, 17:46

[Chat: Diomedes and Odysseus]

Diomedes: hear me out

Odysseus: I’m listening

Diomedes: we’re playing the nerd school this week

Odysseus: Rhesus Academy?

Diomedes: yeah

Diomedes: we need to win against these nerds

Diomedes: so

Odysseus: Get to the point 

Diomedes: do you want to gather information with me tonight

Odysseus: Say less

Odysseus: I’ll pick you up in 45 I’ll make the plan in the car

Diomedes: we’re so fucking back

18:25

[Chat: Cousins!!!]

Helen: hey guys it’s a home game tomorrow night!

Helen: are either of you going?

Clytemnestra: is your new boyfriend going to be there?

Helen: clytemnestra please

Penelope: Don’t fight again

Penelope: I’ll go

Clytemnestra: wait what

Helen: really????

Penelope: I guess I should go to at least one

Clytemnestra: who are you and what have you done with my cousin

18:27

[Chat: Diomedes and Odysseus]

Odysseus: I’m outside

18:27

[Chat: Cousins!!!]

Penelope: I just feel like I should go to at least one football game during my high school career

Penelope: And I’m tired of not having plans on the weekends

Clytemnestra: who are you

Clytemnestra: where is our penny

Penelope: It’s not that serious

Helen: paris is going to be there are you sure

Penelope: Tell him to bring Cassandra

Helen: how do you know cassandra?????

Clytemnestra: whos cassandra????

Helen: she’s paris’s sister

Penelope: I met her in Joann’s when they were having the big yarn sale

Penelope: She was the one who told me they were closing down and I didn’t believe her

Penelope: I swear I told you guys about this

Helen: you didn’t say you were still friends with her

Penelope: It never came up

18:30

[Chat: Clytemnestra and Helen]

Helen: hear me out

Helen: do you think she likes her??

Clytemnestra: penny and cassandra priamedes?????

Clytemnestra: honestly

Clytemnestra: maybe

19:02

[Chat: Diomedes and Odysseus]

Diomedes: voices outside

Diomedes: get out now

Odysseus: Two seconds 

Diomedes: we do not have two 

19:19

[Chat: Cousins!!!]

Helen: paris said cassandra would be happy to go if penny’s coming!

Clytemnestra: oh that’s awesome!!

Penelope: [liked a message]

19:19

[Chat: Cassandra and Penelope]

Penelope: Did your brother just ask you to go to the football game tomorrow?

Cassandra: Yeah were you the cousin he mentioned?

Penelope: Yes but now my cousins are being weird

Cassandra: Oh gods they aren’t trying to do a double date situation with us, are they?

Penelope: HAHAHAHAHA

Penelope: Oh my gods no it’s definitely not that

19:48

[Chat: Diomedes and Odysseus]

Diomedes: did you get the plans

Diomedes: ody

Diomedes: where did you go

Odysseus: How would you feel about acquiring a new bike?

Diomedes: what

Odysseus: Those two dumbasses didn’t lock up their bikes

Odysseus: How’s your hand by the way?

Diomedes: dolon’s face was a lot harder than it looked but i’m good

Diomedes: now where are those bikes

20:00

[Chat: 1000 boats]

Odysseus: [sent a video]

Odysseus: Don’t ask where we got these

Lil Ajax: where did you get those bikes???

Odysseus: What did I just say

Agamemnon: guys wtf are you doing

Odysseus: Reconnaissance mission

Diomedes: mission impossible type shit

Diomedes: ody memorized their strat sheets for tomorrow

Agamemnon: what the fuck

Odysseus: You’re welcome

September 14, 6:30

[Chat: 1000 boats]

Agamemnon: YOU KNOW WHAT TIME IT IS

Agamemnon: GAME DAY

Agamemnon: PLEASE WIN GUYS

Diomedes: every week this gets less hype

Big Ajax: isn’t odysseus’s mom making cookies

Diomedes: NEVER MIND WE ARE SO HYPE

15:30

[Chat: Cousins!!!]

Clytemnestra: penny youre absolutely sure youre going to the game??

Penelope: As I said before

Penelope: Yes

Helen: shes the designated driver so she can’t back out now

Penelope: I’ll keep you updated on how things go

15:35

[Chat: 1000 boats]

Odysseus: [sent a picture]

Odysseus: Cookies secured

Menelaus: HELL YEAH

Diomedes: everyone say thanks odysseus’s mom

Teucer: thanks odysseus’s mom!!!!

Big Ajax: bro has the best mom out of the whole team fr

17:40

[Chat: Cassandra and Penelope]

Cassandra: Driving to the field now

Penelope: Helen and I will meet you by the gate

17:52

[Chat: 1000 boats]

Menelaus: [sent a picture]

Menelaus: agamemnon just smacked the shit out of his funny bone

Odysseus: Was it funny?

Agamemnon: bro it hurts so fucking bad

Agamemnon: i elbowed the fucking door and now look

Agamemnon: [sent a picture]

Agamemnon: i think its swollen

Odysseus: Bitch it is not

Menelaus: he’s fine he’s just being a baby

Agamemnon: bruh

18:00

[Chat: Clytemnestra and Penelope]

Penelope: The game is starting

Penelope: Why are there so many of them

Clytemnestra: no idea

Penelope: Wait they’re stopping 

Penelope: That was only like ten seconds

Penelope: Clytemnestra

Penelope: I fear I’ve made a mistake

Clytemnestra: told you

Penelope: This is going to take forever

Penelope: They’re starting again

Clytemnestra: you don’t have to tell me every single time

Penelope: Hold on

Penelope: Oh no I think one of our players just got hurt

Clytemnestra: which one????

Penelope: Number 5??

Penelope: Someone ran into him and now he’s limping

Clytemnestra: shit that’s diomedes

Penelope: He does not look happy

Clytemnestra: he’s one of our best players we’re screwed if he’s out

Clytemnestra: is he walking it off or does it look bad

Penelope: Well

Penelope: It does not look good

Clytemnestra: you are so helpful

19:28

[Chat: Odysseus and Penelope]

Odysseus: If Agamemnon complains about his elbow one more time I’m going to punch him in the face

Penelope: Oh?

Odysseus: He hit his funny bone on the locker room door before the game and he won’t shut up about it

Odysseus: Meanwhile Dio is right there 

Odysseus: That’s a whole different story

Penelope: I saw what happened is he okay??

Odysseus: Wait are you here???

Penelope: Yes I’m in the stands with Helen

Odysseus: I didn’t know you were coming

Odysseus: That’s awesome

Penelope: So what happened to Diomedes?

Odysseus: Oh yeah

Odysseus: He messed something up in his foot, he thinks it’s probably just a sprain but Machaon wants him benched for the rest of the game

Odysseus: Machaon is the trainer

Odysseus: But Diomedes is pissed and Agamemnon is not helping

Penelope: I hope he’s ok

Odysseus: Me too

Odysseus: I have to get back to the game but maybe I’ll see you after?

Penelope: Hahahaha

19:32

[Chat: Helen and Penelope]

Helen: im back from concessions where did you go

Penelope: Cassandra and I went to the bathroom so we wouldn’t have to listen to Paris 

Penelope: We’re coming back now

19:38

[Chat: Cassandra and Penelope]

Cassandra: Pen

Cassandra: Pen 

Cassandra: Pen

Cassandra: No Helen isn’t going to see she isn’t looking at us

Penelope: What

Cassandra: Odysseus Laertiades?

Penelope: I knew I should have changed his contact name to something stupid

Cassandra: His name is already stupid

Penelope: No it isn’t

Penelope: It’s a fine name

Cassandra: It literally sounds like the word hate

Cassandra: His parents named him Hate

Cassandra: That’s only the beginning of the red flags

Penelope: We’re not talking about this here

19:55

[Chat: Clytemnestra and Penelope]

Clytemnestra: i need updates

Penelope: We’re in the third quarter

Penelope: I have never wasted so much time in my life

Penelope: Helen and Paris just snuck off to make out

Clytemnestra: disgusting

Clytemnestra: how’s cassandra

Penelope: Bored

Penelope: I should have brought my crochet

Clytemnestra: ok what about the actual game

Penelope: Must I

Clytemnestra: penny

Penelope: Fine

Penelope: They stopped again

Penelope: And starting again

Penelope: Stopped again

Penelope: Starting again

Penelope: Oh wait

Clytemnestra: what

Clytemnestra: did someone score

Penelope: I think we did

Penelope: But I think someone else just got hurt

Clytemnestra: wtf who???

19:56

[Chat: Odysseus and Penelope]

Penelope: Are you ok

Penelope: Odysseus

Penelope: You probably aren’t by your phone sorry

Penelope: But are you ok

19:56

[Chat: Clytemnestra and Penelope]

Penelope: Odysseus Laertiades was running down the field with the ball, but there was no one for him to pass to so the other team ganged up on him and tackled him in the endzone

Penelope: I’m not sure how many but there were quite a few of them and he was holding his side

Clytemenstra: wtf is going on today

Clytemnestra: why are our players dropping like flies

Penelope: I don’t know but I don’t think we’re winning this one

21:13

[Chat: 1000 boats]

Agamemnon: [sent a picture]

Agamemnon: yo look at the bruise on my elbow

Agamemnon: that’s crazy

Agamemnon: i think it hurts more than losing to a bunch of beefy nerds

Agamemnon: at least we have odysseus’s mom’s cookies

Menelaus: brother

Menelaus: why don’t we ask the people who actually got injured how they’re doing????

Lil Ajax: is dio still at urgent care?

Teucer: i haven’t heard anything from him

Agamemnon: ngl his foot did not look good

Agamemnon: i saw it when i was asking machaon about my elbow and it was like gods damn

Odysseus: Agamemnon I have a bruise shaped like Socus’s cleat on my ribcage so if you don’t shut up I will punch you in the face

Agamemnon: oh 

Agamemnon: are you good

Odysseus: I was fucking trampled today why don’t you take a guess????

Agamemnon: i feel like i shouldn’t

Odysseus: Good choice

21:17

[Chat: Odysseus and Penelope]

Odysseus: I’m alive

Odysseus: Sorry for the late response lol 

Penelope: Are you ok?

Odysseus: 70% of the damage went to my ego and the rest went to my ribs but other than that yes

Odysseus: I have a lovely bruise in the shape of a cleat

Penelope: Oh my gods

Penelope: Is there anything you can do to the kid who did it?

Odysseus: The thing is Diomedes and I conducted certain shenanigans last night and coincidentally two players are now without their very nice bicycles so I would rather not draw attention to those entirely unrelated facts

Penelope: Oh my gods

Penelope: Don’t worry my lips are sealed

Odysseus: I appreciate the discretion

Odysseus: I’ll see you on Monday?

Penelope: Should you be going to school with bruised ribs?

Odysseus: Oh I’ll be fine by then

Odysseus: I would never miss our meeting

Odysseus: Or classes either I guess

Odysseus: Hahaha

Odysseus: Anyway I’ll be there lol

Chapter Text

September 19, 23:21

[Chat: 1000 boats]

Diomedes: [sent a picture]

Lil Ajax: bruh

Lil Ajax: is that an xray

Diomedes: that’s my foot dumbass

Lil Ajax: oh

Lil Ajax: is it good

Diomedes: [sent a screenshot]

Diomedes: does that look good to you ajax?

Lil Ajax: aw shit

Lil Ajax: that’s broken as fuck

Agamemnon: damn

Menelaus: dude that’s bad

Agamemnon: whats the recovery time on that

Diomedes: 6 weeks in a boot and 3 months of pt

Diomedes: my seasons over

Menelaus: nooooo

Big Ajax: :( 

Big Ajax: sorry man

Agamemnon: fuckin hell

23:29

[Chat: Diomedes and Odysseus]

Odysseus: Dude

Diomedes: nope

Odysseus: Ok

September 20th, 9:41

[Chat: Cassandra and Penelope]

Penelope: Should I text him

Cassandra: Mystery boy?

Cassandra: Wait no

Cassandra: Odysseus Laertiades?

Penelope: Yes

Penelope: Or would that be weird

Cassandra: Why would it be weird

Penelope: I don’t want to be like “good morning, I saw you get stepped on yesterday and now I can’t stop thinking about you” because that’s definitely weird right

Cassandra: Girl

Penelope: Ok but we already texted a little about it last night

Penelope: And we said we’d see each other Monday

Penelope: And we don’t usually text over the weekends 

Penelope: Well actually we do

Penelope: But the conversation always starts off with school

Cassandra: Penny I’m going to give you advice and I want you to actually take it this time

Cassandra: Just text him

Cassandra: It won’t be weird unless you make it weird

Penelope: Easier said than done

Cassandra: Just text him like a normal person

9:46

[Chat: Odysseus and Penelope]

Penelope: Good morning, I hope your ego and your cleat-shaped bruise are doing better!

9:46

[Chat: Cassandra and Penelope]

Penelope: [sent a screenshot]

Penelope: Like this?

Cassandra: Oh my gods why

Cassandra: Did you miss the part where I said normal

9:46

[Chat: Odysseus and Penelope]

Odysseus: Hahahahahahaha 

Odysseus: Oh gods I can’t believe you saw that

Odysseus: Mortifying

Odysseus: Don’t mind me building myself a pyre

Penelope: HAHAHA NO

Odysseus: Striking the match rn

Penelope: Odysseus it’s football people get hurt all the time

Odysseus: Yes however it’s usually not me

Odysseus: Actually most of the time it’s the underclassmen

Odysseus: Like I’ll play five minutes with one of them, learn their name and some random fact or something and bam two plays later they’re concussed and benched for the rest of the year

Penelope: And this is why I don’t watch a lot of football

Penelope: It’s just inflicting as much brain damage as possible in five second intervals

Penelope: Not to hate all over your sport of course

Odysseus: Hahahahaha no the five second intervals are real

Odysseus: I swear if they just let the clock run a little longer our team would be at the top of our conference by now

Odysseus: My strategies need time to cook on the field

Penelope: Your strategies??

Odysseus: Yeah I help Coach Athena make up plays, it’s technically Agamemnon’s job since he’s the captain but I’m better at it

Odysseus: Unfortunately most of them require Achilles and/or Diomedes and now we have neither

Penelope: Oh no he was injured too, right?

Odysseus: Yeah he broke the shit out of his foot he’ll be in a boot for 6 weeks and then he has to do physical therapy so he’s probably out for the rest of the season

Penelope: Oh my gods that’s terrible

Penelope: Is he ok like have you talked to him about it

Odysseus: Not really

Penelope: Oh right you’re a guy

Penelope: I forgot guys don’t talk about feelings

Odysseus: Bruh

Penelope: Did you just call me bruh?????????

Odysseus: …

Odysseus: No comment

Penelope: No I think you should comment

Odysseus: Nope I’m going to text Diomedes about his feelings

Penelope: His feelings on calling girls bruh????

Odysseus: Gods I’m never living this down

Penelope: I would pay money to see your face right now

Odysseus: What's that supposed to mean

Penelope: You know

Penelope: You turn really red sometimes

Odysseus: No I don’t

Penelope: Yes you do

Penelope: On Monday you were walking up to the tree and you tripped over your shoelace and then your face was bright red

Odysseus: I specifically requested you forget about that

Penelope: And that request was denied

Odysseus: Fml

Odysseus: Climbing back onto the pyre

Odysseus: FUCK MY FACE IS THAT RED I JUST LOOKED IN THE MIRROR

Penelope: HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA

Penelope: I TOLD YOU

Odysseus: NO

Odysseus: SETTING THE PYRE ALIGHT 

Odysseus: TOSSING MY ASHES INTO THE OCEAN

Penelope: HAHAHAHAHA

Penelope: Odysseus it’s not that bad I promise

Odysseus: IT IS THAT BAD PENELOPE

Penelope: No it’s cute

10:09

[Chat: Cassandra and Penelope]

Penelope: FUCK

Penelope: FUCK FUCK FUCK I CSLLED HIM CUTE

Cassandra: You what

Penelope: FUCK I CANT DELETTE 

Penelope: I CALLED HIM CUTE AND I CANT DELETE BC HE SAW IT

Cassandra: I thought you said you didn’t want to confess your feelings yet???

Penelope: I DONT I WASNT THINKING

Cassandra: Penelope Icarius you’re never not thinking

Penelope: I KNWO

Penelope: I KNOW

10:09

[Chat: Diomedes and Odysseus]

Odysseus: SGE CSLLED ME CUTE

Odysseus: DIOMEDES

Odysseus: DIO ASNWER YOUR PHNOE

Diomedes: are you having a stroke

Diomedes: WAIT SHE SAID WHAT

Odysseus: HAHAHHAHAHAHAHA

Odysseus: [sent a screenshot]

Odysseus: WHAT DO I SAY

Diomedes: WHY ARE YOU ASKING ME

Diomedes: YOURE THE WORDS GUY

Diomedes: also wtf was your dramatic ass on about?????

Odysseus: Ok so like

Diomedes: nope be concise

Diomedes: im not reading a paragraph and a half

Odysseus: It wasn’t going to be a paragraph and a half

Diomedes: it definitely was

Odysseus: Bro

Odysseus: Anyway I said bruh, she was laughing bc she’s a girl and I called her bruh, I started being a little dramatic, she said she would pay money to see my face and I said “oh what’s that supposed to mean” and then she was like “yeah you turn really red sometimes” and I was like fuck I do but I didn’t think she noticed so I pretended like I didn’t know what she was talking about, but she started listing specific instances of me blushing so I had to be even more dramatic about that and then she said it was cute

Odysseus: FUCK WHAT DO I DO

Diomedes: first of all that’s still a paragraph

Diomedes: and second of all TEXT HER BACK YOU MORON

Odysseus: How’s your foot Diomedes????

Diomedes: DON’T CHANGE THE SUBJECT MY DAY IS FINALLY GETTING BETTER

Odysseus: You are so unhelpful

Diomedes: considering you spent the first half of junior year being so unhelpful to me or menelaus i think i’ve earned this

Diomedes: what happened to calling yourself achaea’s ultimate wingman???

Odysseus: Ew don’t remind me

Odysseus: Also I helped you guys eventually 

Diomedes: key word eventually

Diomedes: sthenelus wants to know if you’ve left her on read this whole time

Odysseus: Are you texting Sthenelus about this?????

Diomedes: no he’s reading over my shoulder

Diomedes: he brought me a deformed chocolate bar because he heard what happened

Diomedes: it didn’t start out deformed but it melted on the way

Diomedes: BACK TO YOU BITCH

Diomedes: TEXT HER BACK

Odysseus: I will bring you two non deformed chocolate bars if you help me

Odysseus: Three non deformed chocolate bars

Diomedes: bitch i like my chocolate deformed

Diomedes: tell her she’s cute too and then ask her on a date

Odysseus: Its way too soon for that

Diomedes: are you kidding you’ve been texting for multiple weeks

Odysseus: It hasn’t even been a month

Diomedes: move it or lose it man

Diomedes: don’t chicken out now

Diomedes: she called you cute don’t lose the momentum

Diomedes: if you lose her you won’t be able to use the single by choice excuse anymore you’ll just be single by stupidity 

Odysseus: Bro I get it

Diomedes: just text her bro

Diomedes: you helped menelaus rizz up helen

Diomedes: hell you rizzed up a senior when you were a freshman and then dumped her let’s bring back that confidence

Diomedes: just text her

10:12

[Chat: Odysseus and Penelope]

Penelope: [deleted a message]

10:12

[Chat: Cassandra and Penelope]

Cassandra: Did it work?

Penelope: Yes I think it’s gone

Cassandra: I still don’t know why I’m helping you with this

Cassandra: Maybe you should confess your feelings

Penelope: Or maybe that would mess everything up

Penelope: I like being his friend and feelings just complicate that and we both have so much on our plates maybe it’s just better if it’s simple

Cassandra: Penny it’s already complicated

Cassandra: You’re hiding things from your family and making up meetings to hang out with him before school

Cassandra: And also since when are you afraid of making things complicated, you taught yourself how to do tapestry crochet because normal sweaters weren’t hard enough

Penelope: This isn’t crochet this is Odysseus

Cassandra: And???

Penelope: And he’s just different

Penelope: I just don’t want to do it over text

Penelope: I’ll talk to him in person on Monday

Chapter Text

September 21, 22:13

[Chat: Diomedes and Odysseus]

Odysseus: Ok I’m going to text her

Diomedes: fucking finally

Diomedes: i’ve been hyping you up all day man

Diomedes: what are you going to say

Odysseus: I’m not bringing up the deleted message

Diomedes: bruh

Diomedes: i’m so done

Odysseus: I’m just going to text her like normal

Diomedes: whats your idea of normal

Odysseus: [sent a screenshot]

Odysseus: Does this live up to your texting standards?

Diomedes: nah too much punctuation

Diomedes: she really must see something in you if that’s how you've been texting this whole time

Odysseus: I’ll step on your other foot

Diomedes: i’ll hit you in the ribs with my crutches

22:15

[Chat: Odysseus and Penelope]

Odysseus: Hello, what are your thoughts on apple cinnamon cookies? Specifically me bringing some tomorrow morning?

Penelope: Yes

Penelope: Please

Odysseus: Hahahaha ok

Penelope: Wait where did you even find apple cinnamon cookies, the store only has pumpkin

Odysseus: My mom made them lol

Penelope: No way

Penelope: Do you have the recipe or is it like a family secret?

Penelope: My brother Damasiclus likes to bake haha that’s why I’m asking

Odysseus: It’s not a secret lol I can ask my mom

Odysseus: But not until the morning because she still believes I have a normal sleep schedule

Penelope: Omg real

Penelope: My stepmom said goodnight to me at 9:30

Odysseus: 9:30 is crazy work

Penelope: Yeah but it means no one bothers me for the entire evening

Penelope: I have a whole setup with my reading light and my headphones

Penelope: And then I just do homework or sometimes I’ll watch movies and write down the funny parts in my notes app

Penelope: Gods now I sound like I have no life

Odysseus: No it sounds like I need to see this notes app and judge your taste in movies

Odysseus: You only have no life if you watch those sappy Winter Solstice movies with the same six plots and the same nine Muses 

Odysseus: And it’s always like “oh let me leave my perfect life in Knossos to go to this little town where I’m going to leave my successful councilman husband for some random potter who paints bulls on all his amphorae!!!” 

Odysseus: Or it’s like “oh no my town was conquered but the barbarians who killed my whole family are hot so it’s fine!!!” 

Penelope: HAHAHAHAHA

Penelope: For someone who hates those movies you seem to know the plots pretty well

Odysseus: THEY’RE ALL MY FAMILY WATCHES 

Odysseus: I HATE IT

Odysseus: THERE WAS ONE WHERE THE GIRL FELL IN LOVE WITH GOLDEN RAIN

Odysseus: GOLDEN RAIN PENELOPE ICARIUS

Odysseus: AND THEY PLAYED THE FUCKING PRINCE SONG

Odysseus: IT WAS A GOOD FUCKING SONG BUT THEY RUINED IT FOREVER WITH THEIR DUMBASS MOVIE

Penelope: HAHAHAHAHAHAHA

Penelope: STOP MAKING ME LAUGH MY FAMILY IS GOING TO WAKE UP

Odysseus: I’M NOT BEING FUNNY 

Penelope: YES YOU ARE

Odysseus: I’M SUFFERING OVER HERE PENELOPE

Penelope: AND IT’S HILARIOUS

Penelope: Golden rainnnnn goooolden rainnnnnn

Odysseus: NO

22:24

[Chat: Perileos and Penelope]

Perileos: wait are you awake

Perileos: i can hear you laughing through the wall

Penelope: Don’t tell Dad

Perileos: what are you even doing

Penelope: I’m watching one of those awful Winter Solstice movies

Penelope: The one with the golden rain

Perileos: i thought you hated those

Penelope: I do

22:24

[Chat: Odysseus and Penelope]

Penelope: [sent a screenshot]

Penelope: LOOK AT THIS I TOLD YOU MY FAMILY WOULD WAKE UP

Odysseus: HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA NO FUCKING WAY

Penelope: Well I know what I’m watching tonight!

Odysseus: Don’t even

Odysseus: You can do so much better

Penelope: Oh really?

Penelope: Any recommendations?

Odysseus: Penelope you don’t know the power you’ve just given me

Odysseus: Ok so

Odysseus: You can’t really go wrong with action movies they’re the best for a reason, the Labors of Heracles series is a classic but you have to watch 3, 4, and 5 first and then go back to 1, 2, and 3 because that’s the order they were released in, 9 is really bad though so skip that one

Odysseus: For horror movies it obviously has to be Lycaon

Odysseus: Oh or any of the Labyrinth movies

Odysseus: If you do like romance stuff ig there was an adaptation of Perseus and Andromeda from a while ago that my sister loves

Odysseus: If you want comedy literally anything by Aristophanes

Odysseus: What else is there

Odysseus: I heard Katabasis was good

Penelope: I refuse to watch Katabasis it had Orpheus in the trailer and if I have to see that dumbass turn around one more time I will cry

Odysseus: No are you kidding

Odysseus: The football team was going to go to that as like a bonding activity but if it’s another stupid Orpheus and Eurydice retelling I can’t go or else my reputation as a man will never recover

Penelope: Oh no do you cry at movies too

Odysseus: I can’t believe I’m admitting to this but yes it’s so bad

Odysseus: Waterworks I tell you

Penelope: Hahahaha I promise you can’t be as bad as me

Penelope: In freshman year history we were watching a war movie where some guy died before he could see his wife and kid again and I physically had to leave the room because I was sobbing

Odysseus: Once again can’t believe I’m admitting to this

Penelope: Oh no

Odysseus: Mr. Alcinous had to ask if I was ok THREE SEPARATE TIMES

Penelope: NO

Odysseus: And obviously my lying ass was trying to convince him it was chill but oh my gods it was so bad

Penelope: You know what we should do

Odysseus: Oh no

Penelope: We should watch a sad movie and see what happens 

Odysseus: Hahahahaha really

Penelope: Idk hahaha I was just thinking out loud

Penelope: Or thinking over text 

Penelope: Hahaha

Odysseus: I mean it could be really funny

Odysseus: And I’m benched for this week so I have free time for once

Penelope: Oh right

Penelope: If we go on like a Wednesday it might be less crowded

Odysseus: True

Odysseus: I can get the tickets if you want

Penelope: Sure!

Penelope: I can pay you back tomorrow just tell me how much it is

Odysseus: Nope

Penelope: Odysseus

Odysseus: Resistance is futile

Penelope: Watch me

Odysseus: Good luck

23:09

[Chat: Cassandra and Penelope]

Penelope: I know it’s late but you’re never going to believe what just happened

23:09

[Chat: Diomedes and Odysseus]

Odysseus: You’re never going to believe what just fucking happened