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Loneliness. Solitude. Whatever you wanted to call it - it was a sensation that Allan found far too familiar.
It was cliché, wasn’t it? The reticent loner of the Smiling Friends, secretly nothing more than a walking pile of angst. He was someone who wanted to fit into the world, yet in spite of this desire, would be unable to ever do so.
But that was the thing. Allan wasn’t sure how much he really wanted to fit in, anyways.
To an extent, Allan favored his own company. He enjoyed what he called his “moments to breathe” - moments away from those who bugged him by accusing him of being too quiet, too blunt, or, frankly, too weird.
People who had those complaints could go to hell. Allan knew from the words of his “friends” that he didn’t need to be anything, for anyone. That he didn’t need to be more like Pim, or Charlie, or anyone else to earn respect or the right to live.
But Allan had to think about it. What if his “friends” were wrong? What if he himself was wrong?
It was a disturbing thought. Both because Allan hated being wrong, and because if that was the case, then what would he even do about it?
How would he fix his flaws - flaws that made up who he inherently was - and become someone more agreeable? Someone more happy and palatable to others?
In his situation, was it even worth it to be happier?
Patience with others was never a virtue of Allan’s, and somedays, he couldn’t even interact with his coworkers without saying cruel words or harbouring some sort of judgement. In a way, he did the same shitty things that others did to him.
It wasn’t exactly something that he could reign in, though. It was just that somedays, things felt so pointless, Allan couldn’t help but feel justified in the chronic annoyance he had.
Somedays, he couldn’t stand the way Pim wore a cheery grin all day long, always seeing so much color and light in every single thing around him.
And other days, Charlie was so nonchalant, so unbothered that Allan wanted to kick the careless man the next time he managed to be even keeled about things that would bring him anxiety. Why couldn’t he get that not closing the fridge or straightening out the paperclips fully may kill them all?
Even Glep and Mr. Boss could end up annoying him at points, and they never even did anything to really push his buttons. And just the thought of having such a reaction made Allan feel guilty.
So maybe he was just a bad person, then? A rotten irredeemable thing, unable to be kind at all?
If so, Allan guessed that explained a lot. And if that was the case, then there would be no point in trying to break out of the grey area that he found himself in.
Allan really was just fated to be alone.
He couldn’t be kind to others, and others couldn’t be kind to him. He could rarely connect with others, and he knew it was a struggle for most everyone to connect with him.
It didn’t even matter if any of that changed, anyways. Because Allan’s time in this world was limited. So what was even the point in going on trying to be friendly with people he could never fully know?
There was no point. That was the logical answer to this all. And sometimes, logic was all Allan had to deal with this wretched life.
If he closed himself off, his “friends” would be sad, yes. But at the end of the day, they were all just a bunch of warm bodies that happened to fill up the space around him.
And eventually, if he chose to leave this place early, they’d all soon learn to move on from him.
Nothing more, nothing less.
Much like humans, every critter had their own backstory.
For some, they were chosen to be born into large communities; those that lovingly followed the ways of human familial arrangements.
And for others, they were born off the back of larger godlike beings, or grown within a lab or other controlled environment, making them more a part of a group of glorified homunculi than anything. It was a less glamorous way to come into the world, but at least with it brought an odd sense of belonging.
And then, there were critters like Allan.
Every so often, the stoic man found himself driving in a dreamlike trance to a field outside of town, usually at nocturnal hours when the Earth seemed drowned in darkness.
It was a surreal time, the dead of night. The air was almost silent, and all felt imbued with a sense of nostalgia, almost making it feel like the Earth was a home after all.
Allan would stroll out to the heart of the field, and lay down in it for an indeterminate amount of time, eyes sealed shut to the void over him as the tall grass tickled his cheeks and legs.
And when he’d open his eyes, he’d remember one thing.
“……”
…The white sky.
The pale, vast, and cloudy sky that hung over him on his first day of awakening.
Devoid of any memories of a past life, Allan had nothing in his head but a name, a destination, and a fully grown body.
He was born at 24 years old, and knew upon arrival that his name was Allan Red - how on the nose.
He knew straight away that he would have to go into the city, and with that was the feeling that soon enough, his normal, boring life would begin.
It was almost like a mission, albeit without any sort of clear purpose yet. Was there a point to his being alive? Was he there just to be there?
Allan didn’t question such things.
And even though he was born with absolutely no one, even though he was born to absolutely nothing, he knew precisely what he had to do.
Not long after arriving in the city, Allan knew instinctively that he needed one thing - a job.
That was a perk of being a fully grown adult, he supposed. He had an instant maturity that those who had to wait for 18 years didn’t.
He knew he needed a place, somewhere to go that wasn’t just on the streets, and the only way to possibly get that done was to find a way to make some money.
The only problem was, a newborn like him didn’t exactly have the means to build a resumé.
And so, Allan found himself wandering the rainy streets of the city one day, sidewalks desolate and moody as the raindrops washed out everything.
He had walked into place after place, checked newspaper after newspaper, diligently working to see what inquiries he could find in order to get his life as a working man going.
Unfortunately for him, most people found him an undesirable hire, and were actively put off by his demeanor in the most shallow way possible.
Some places even denied him instantly just based off the way he talked, a strange accent lacing his words as if talking wasn’t something he had the hang of just yet.
So that was something he needed to fix, huh? The world had so many petty rules.
That was when he came across that building.
After an hour or so of trudging along in the downpour, Allan came across a giant yellow sphere that rested next to the Toilet Emporium on 78 Meep Street.
On the great sphere was a design that looked like… a face?
The looming shape creeped him out; the sight of a building with a giant uncanny grin just plastered in the middle of the sidewalk for all to see feeling… kind of gross , the more Allan stared at it.
He almost wanted to book it out of there, and leave this ugly place behind to try and find the next employer, but then he saw…
“……?”
…Two men, walking up to the building while idly chatting.
One of them was a tiny pale pink critter, smiling a soft grin up at his taller companion. He looked unassuming, naïve; and he held a great big rainbow umbrella, all while adorned in a similarly colorful rainbow raincoat.
The other man was a plump yellow critter with a giant nose, clad in an orange hoodie and dark slacks. He looked a bit more nonchalant than the pink one, and he and said pink one yammered back and forth as Allan stared blankly at them both.
For some reason, Allan didn’t look away from the two quickly. So before he knew it, the two critters noticed him, and their gazes locked onto him in an instant.
There was a pause.
“…”
“…”
“…Uhhh. C-Can we help you, man.” The yellow man spoke up. His voice was husky and nasal, and extremely distinctive.
“…” The red man didn’t say anything. It was easy for him to know what to say, but for some reason, Allan didn’t just force his reply out.
He just stood there not saying a word. In Allan’s head, he felt curious about these two.
Just staring at these two almost made him feel lonely. A bit self conscious.
“Oh, Charlie!” The shorter pink critter suddenly piped up, large squiggle eyes laced with concern. “What if this poor man really does need our help? He’s all soaked through from the terrible ol’ rain! Oh, please oh please, we have to help him!”
“Pim, really? Didn’t we just save, like, a bunch of starving orphans by letting them cannibalize a billionaire? I’m beat.”
Allan looked down bitterly, and clutched his arm. Wasn’t this man the one who asked if he needed help?
“Oh, come on, Charlie! We can’t just leave a poor soul like him alone! Here, let me help you, sir-“
The one known as Pim quickly skittered up to Allan, passing off his umbrella to his taller friend to hold it over Allan’s head. Charlie sighed, and looked a bit shy as he stole a few glances at Allan’s face.
How strange. Did Allan look weird, or something?
Pim placed a hand on the small of Allan’s back, guiding him into the large spherical building in front of them. His face was so full of worry, you’d think he’d just witnessed a terrible accident unfold right in front of him.
The worry seemed almost performative. Was he even being genuine?
But despite all these worries of Allan’s, the man didn’t resist. And before he knew it, he found himself sitting at a table in a homely break room, surrounded on each side by the critters that had helped him into their office.
In the corner of the break room was a small blue bean bag chair, housing an even tinier green critter with a purple wizard hat.
Just like Charlie, he stole a glance every few seconds at Allan, looking up from his colorful fidget toy in order to give him unreadable looks.
Christ , Allan wondered, could people not stare at him? He knew it was hypocritical of him, but still…
“Oh, uh, don’t worry about Glep, man. He’s chill. He’s just a bit curious about you.” Charlie tossed a glance over at the green critter, who replied with a dry mumble.
“So how can we make you smile, Mister…?”
Pim’s smile faltered as he realized that he didn’t yet know this stranger's name. Allan would have to tell him.
But more curiously, what did he mean by “make him smile?” Was that his job, or something?
He did say something about “smiling friends” or whatever, so… was this a business?
“Pim, you’re jumping the gun here, dude.” Charlie chipped in. “We can’t help people unless they ask, remember?”
So that confirmed it. This was some sort of charity.
Allan’s mind shifted back to his mission. Try every place he could - that was his MO. Not that he would really stick here for long, anyways.
“……I’m Allan.”
“Hm? Mister… Allan, then? Is that your name?”
“Oh boy, here we go.” Charlie crossed his arms, leaning back in his chair with a huff.
Allan nodded, a bit nervous to continue talking.
The yellow critter cocked his head to the side. “Alright, uh, Allan. Do you need to like, smile, or whatever.”
This man’s attitude was really starting to bug Allan. Why were he and so many others like this? So easily annoyed with him just for existing?
Just like with everywhere else, Allan started to feel like his presence wasn’t really wanted here.
And at this point, he figured he should just get this next part of the process over with.
Allan began to open his mouth to speak.
“…I Don’t Need To…”
And then in an instant, something changed.
Looming above like a specter, one of the buzzing fluorescent lights on the ceiling let out a dull hum. It drowned out the TV’s mindless yammering and the clicks of Glep’s toy, soon becoming the only sound the man could hear as everything else faded out.
The room had grown dark and hazy, with the light above now being the only radiance in the dreary space.
Pim, Charlie and Glep were nowhere to be found. It was just Allan and Allan alone in the break room.
And in the corner of the room, a small bit of water dripped out of the edge of the wall, leaving a tiny puddle right where Glep had originally sat.
The red critter felt his stomach twist into tight, unexplainable knots.
Why was this happening now? What even was this?
Every so often that day, Allan’s vision would get, for lack of a better term, weird , and there seemed to be no real reason for this occurrence.
It wasn’t just a pattern of suddenly empty rooms, but that same leak of water appearing in corners, and other inexplicable phenomena like shifting objects and small whispers from nowhere.
It was just a quirk he had, Allan guessed. And yet, that explanation did nothing to really soothe him.
Before he knew it, reality came back.
“…llan? Allan? A-Are you alright?”
“……?”
Now fully present, Allan turned over to the one who had been calling him, Pim.
“I Don’t Need To Smile. I Need A JobUh.”
“A job…?”
In an instant, Pim went starry eyed, his face lighting up with joy.
Uh, did he say something weird?
“O-Oh my god, YES! Mr. Boss! Mr. Boss! We have a new Smiling Friend! ”
And then, he dashed out of the room, presumably to go get his boss.
What had just…?
“Uh.” Charlie spoke. “Welcome to the team then, I guess.”
Huh. Was it that easy all along? Maybe they were desperate.
A few months had passed ever since the day Allan was born, and yet, it had felt like eons.
The red critter had firmly established a place for himself at the Smiling Friends office, learning the ropes quickly to become the place’s diligent office manager.
He originally was set to join Charlie and Pim on their missions, but a bit of a lack of drive on Allan’s part pushed Mr. Boss to just keep the status quo.
And so, Allan Red quickly became a “person.”
He was a functioning member of society; a person with a great job, a comfy place, and a small group of people who, ostensibly, were his “friends.”
It was a straightforward life. And Allan thought that for all intents and purposes, it was a happy one.
Yes, for a period of time, Allan could possibly be described as “happy”.
For all the problems that arose from being alive - such as self doubt, anxiety and arguments - there was enough fine with the world to keep the pain at bay, and to keep Allan’s brand of optimism despite his cold demeanor.
Whenever he wanted to, Allan knew how to follow a script. He learned when to laugh or smile at someone else's words, and it wasn’t long before he found himself doing these things somewhat genuinely.
He laughed at some of Charlie’s lame jokes, and felt warm when the man spared him some praise. He smiled at some of the cheesy Facebook videos Pim showed him, and didn’t feel as bothered by his endless energy after a period of time.
And hell, he even ended up finding himself close with Glep, hanging out with from time to time in a way that made him closer to him than anyone else.
Despite his better judgment, Allan grew trusting of these people, and started to cut them some slack when he once had nothing but cynicism.
Life brought with it many other pleasures, too. There was food, games, gardening, the arts and more. There were things to feel, things to see, things to learn. And Allan found the ability to let these things color his life, making his world brighter when it was once grey before.
Things were still far from perfect. Allan still felt separate from other people, including his coworkers, and many a day would be spent with him stuck in his own head, wondering about the purpose of everything and just where he truly fit in this world.
But for a while, Allan had some peace. And as long as he had that peace, the red critter felt like he had done his due diligence after all.
It was too good to be true. It was like a fading dream.
And one day, Allan had to wake up.
“Aw, dude, you gotta watch that new Bimblaur Unleashed, Pim. It’s soooo much better than the first one. The way they shot it and everything, it’s like - it’s kino, man, you just gotta see it.”
Charlie took a final sip of his smoothie, the gang having gathered together to check out this new smoothie bar up on Fleegle Street.
“Hmmm, I don’t know, Charlie. I don’t think I’d like all the violence in it. It seems kinda scary.”
“Oh, come on, Pim, it’s just Gaspar Noe’s style.” Charlie yammered on after smacking his lips. “You get it, right, Allan?”
“Mmmmmyessss. I Did RathErr EnJoy His Last MoVie Abawt The Cold War.”
“&€~*^€£~&£@&&@:€#/&^%!”
Pim suddenly smiled. “Woah. I guess when Glep puts it like that, it does sound rather interesting!”
“Right?! See, I know what I’m talking about!” Charlie lightly punched Pim on the arm, and the two of them giggled.
The four Smiling Friends strolled casually down the sidewalk, the cloudy sky watching over them as people walked about.
It was a holiday that marked a day off of work, and Pim had the idea to get everyone together so they could hang out and enjoy each other’s company.
The others were a bit weary about going outside on their day off, but eventually, all three of them came around. It wasn’t unheard of for Pim and Charlie to hang out one on one - and Glep and Allan had their own sort of rapport - but all four of them hanging together did feel a bit more novel.
The last time they had done something like this was Brazil. And the less they all talked about that , the better.
“……”
Despite his better judgement, Allan found himself getting in his own head.
Back then… that had been all his fault, right? He had fucked up the trip for them all, and blamed it on Pim.
You’re a horrible friend.
…Well, whatever, it wasn’t worth thinking about. It was a tangent that was needless, and he didn’t need his good mood interrupted by something so silly.
Sometimes, it was like Allan’s own mind just worked against him. And despite him doing his best to take care of the issue, it still hung over him. Almost like a black cloud.
Almost like…
“………”
Drip.
Hm? That noise…
A familiar noise resounded in Allan’s eardrums, stopping him right in his tracks as the other three continued to walk ahead of him.
His eyes locked onto the grey pavement, his entire frame suddenly going cold.
Drip. Drip.
And in less than a second, Allan Red found himself standing on the checkered tile of the Smiling Friends break room.
“What?”
The same dimly lit break room, coming back to haunt his mind once again.
The same fluorescent light hummed eerily overhead, and the same darkness enveloped the cramped room as Allan was left there secluded, the door so far that it denied him any exit.
And in the corner of the room, as always, was the leak.
Drip. Drip. Drip.
The puddle caused by the leak in the wall was bigger than ever, so massive it threatened to swallow up Allan’s feet.
The water was ice cold, sending more chills through the body of the man who had been teleported without warning.
This whole phenomena still didn’t make sense. No matter how Allan tried to rationalize this, it just didn’t make sense.
Why would he always get these surreal visions like this? Why was it only him?
He had bit the bullet and divulged these worries to a therapist before, afraid of being under a kind of psychosis or turning up as some sort of sleepwalker.
And yet every time he searched for answers, things would get even stranger. His therapist's words would get muffled, and ultimately, nothing would be gained from the session other than the feeling that Allan couldn’t rely on anyone else to help deal with his problems.
He was stuck in a strange existence. And now, he had to wait things out until he eventually returned back to reality.
It was then that a voice cut through the air. A voice that Allan had never heard before.
“ㅤHello, Allan. It is nice to finally speak to you.”
“Huh? Who are…?”
Allan stared up at the ceiling, right at that fluorescent light. It flickered in and out, going from bright to dim, and it seemed like it flicked with the rise and fall of the voice’s cadence.
The voice was a serene and feminine one, laced with a subtle echo. It made Allan feel cold and nervous.
“As you can see, I’ve opened the exit behind you. Now, hurry and leave this place, before everything leaks out.”
An exit? Everything leaking out? What was this voice talking about?
Looking behind him, Allan recalled the far away door that acted as the entrance for the break room.
Now, the door was closer, but what lay behind it was nothing but pure white. Pure, blinding white.
Allan felt his frame quiver, confused as to just what the hell was going on.
Slowly but surely, he creeped over to that doorway, unsure if this was even a good idea or not. Usually at this point, Allan would be back in reality. Back to seeing his “friends” and the world for what it truly is.
But even with this confusion, Allan still made his way through, hypnotized by the voice that whispered to him.
And on the other side of the doorway laid the white sky.
The same view as that fateful day. The same sprawling, vast sky. In the distance, birds chirped and the wind blew, just like they did in that field.
As he stood in a void of nothing but the sky, Allan felt more lonely than ever before.
He wondered where Pim, Charlie and Glep were. He wondered how he looked to them right now.
“Do not worry about the others, Allan. Right now, it is just you and me. If you may, I would like to help you understand some things about your current standing in this world.”
Allan’s head was spinning.
Why was this voice disembodied, and more importantly, why was it able to read his mind?
He really must’ve been in some sort of delusion. Was his mental state really getting this horrible?
The voice continued on, apathetic to Allan’s thoughts.
“Allan, you are a current pet project of ours, sent to this planet called Earth in order to figure out one thing - if this place can serve as a hospitable environment for a failed one of our species.
You, as a Saurian Advenae, were born defective. For a large period of your life, you did not speak, and we detected other odd obsessional behaviors that brought up much concern with the Watchers back home.
We planted you here and gave you the unconscious directive to form a life from the ground up. And so far, you’ve passed the test with flying colors - that is, in all areas but two.”
“W-What are you saying?” What did any of this mean?
Without any further warning, this voice was dumping this information on Allan, giving him no time to process the memories of his past life at all.
Allan started to feel his breath catch in his throat. He couldn’t keep up with this, he couldn’t-
“Despite your achievement in work and domestic affairs, your social and mental stability leave very much to be desired.
Forgive me for my bluntness, but you have failed to fully form deep bonds with those around you, and we have noticed multiple psychological defects that may contribute to these issues.
You show high levels of neuroticism, a low ranking of empathy, and numerous other chemical imbalances that, again, make you an outlier even within our planet. You are, essentially, still noticed as an anomaly.”
Things finally started to catch up with the man. This was why he was here all along. To be a lab rat, all for some people he couldn’t even remember and couldn’t even see.
Holding his head, the usually stoic critter slowly began to unravel. This couldn’t be real, it just wasn’t.
Sure, the circumstances of his birth were a little off. But otherwise, Allan was a normal young man, and he did form a bond with others. Didn’t he?
This was all just his imagination. He was just having a very odd dream.
Yes, an odd dream. Everyone had those.
The feeling of cold water on his skin betrayed this thought.
There was a sigh from the voice above.
“Even now, it is a struggle to communicate with you. I do not mean to frighten you, but I do know that you show an enhanced sensitivity to matters that may cause anxiety.
With that out the way, let me elucidate further…”
Slowly breathe in, slowly breathe out. That’s what his therapist said to do. Even if it seemed so futile to do in a situation like this.
Allan knew this was real. There was no running away from it.
“Due to the current state of the project, we see no choice but to send you back and potentially run more tests in order to fix your deficiencies once and for all.
If these fail, you will face the process of being ‘unborn’. From nothingness you came from, and to nothingness you will return. Just like all of us do.
But do not be frightened by this. You will have ample time until this happens - a few months to a year in human time.”
“…”
Allan’s time on Earth was limited.
Everything was so overwhelming. Even as he learned more about his origins, the details were vague, and he didn’t even truly know the identity of the voice that spoke to him, nor the mysterious “us” that said voice referred to.
All he learned was that he would be gone from this Earth sooner than later. Taken away from the life he built up himself.
Allan fell to his knees, beginning to feel a sensation that rarely ever hit him - the urge to cry.
It was so visceral, so uncharacteristically intense. But even then, very few tears of Allan’s came out. He was an odd being through and through.
“I’m… just a project…”
“Well, with that now finished, I shall return you to Earth. Stay safe, young Allan. I’ll speak to you again soon.”
“Wait! Don’t go!”
Allan’s heart felt like it was shattered apart.
Reality slowly started to return, but Allan barely took notice. In the midst of his fear, he tried to analyze everything.
Everything was falling apart. In one conversation, everything was turned on its head, made into a confusing mess for Allan, who never asked to be here in the first place.
In perhaps a few months, he would likely never be able to see the others again, and he could only buy time until he eventually had to leave this place.
It was just the facts. And it didn’t matter how much he wanted to ignore this reality. It was there for him all the same.
Sitting on the sidewalk, Allan shook and whimpered, heads turning to look at him fall apart right there in public.
How creepy.
Can’t he do that somewhere else?
He’s making a scene. Fucking attention whore.
“A-Allan?! Oh my god, are you okay?!”
Pim quickly rushed up to his friend, sitting by him and putting a hand on his back. Glep quickly did the same, and even Charlie looked really concerned.
“C’mon, Pim, let’s get him out of here. You know he hates being stared at…”
“I don’t know… y-you people……” Allan suddenly whispered, voice trembling as if he were in pain.
The red critter didn’t even know what was happening anymore.
Why did it have to be him? What could he even believe in?
“What? Allan, what are you…?”
“I don’t know… any of you people… at all……”
He needed to create a distance between him and the others. He slowly got up off the ground, head hanging low. He needed to walk away, and not look back.
He couldn’t stand looking at them anymore.
“I don’t know someone named Pim… Or someone named Charlie… or anyone in this place… at all.”
Pim, Charlie and Glep’s eyes all widened, lost at what their friend was saying.
Allan clutched a hand to his chest, struggling to breathe.
Drip. Drip. Drip.
“I don’t know the Smiling Friends… I don’t know anyone… I-I just… need to be… alone…”
“Allan?”
Pim reached out a hand, and Allan quickly smacked it away.
Both men looked shocked, and Allan especially hated what he just did.
But in an instant, his face went unnaturally cold, and he looked down at Pim with nothing but sheer indifference.
The absence of kindness. The absence of malice. His features held absolutely nothing.
He couldn’t let them know what he was going through.
And with that, Allan limped off, clutching his arm and looking at nothing every step of the way.
He wanted to go to his apartment. But why did he even want that? It wasn’t home.
Neither was the office, nor the field. Not even his planet, either.
It was nowhere.
Nowhere was happy, and nowhere was safe.
The universe was so vast and big. But no matter where Allan went, he would never have a place in it.
But it was better to not think of such things. Allan did his best to turn off his emotions, trying to forget the hurt and uncertainty of that day.
Allan laid in bed that night, sprawled under the sheets.
He had nothing. Allan was nothing. And if he tried hard enough, Allan could feel nothing.
The white sky then greeted him the next day.