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Music buzzed faintly in the background of the cafe’s atmosphere, the chatter of sitting guests or those still waiting in line filled the air. Not even the warmth coming off the sides of his cup from his coffee did much to ease the nerves eating up inside of him. The banter he had with Liu Qingge while waiting in line did, for just a moment.
“I want five shots of espresso.”
Liu Qingge looked at him incredulously, “Absolutely not.”
“Four?”
“No,” He said firmly, glaring lightly at him for a few moments before his eyes flicked back to Shen Yuan who was standing behind him. His expression that Shen Yuan thought was scary enough seemed to harden more at the sight of him, before he was looking back up at the menu. “Just one.”
Shang Qinghua shifted in his seat at the booth uncomfortably, sitting on the outside with Liu Qingge on the inside. Usually it was the other way around, but Shang Qinghua really felt like he would want the quick escape over the comfort of Liu Qingge caging him in.
Shen Yuan sat across from them, his own drink next to his hand where a finger softly tapped the side of it. His crutches were next to him in the booth to keep out of the way of others. They were new, but Shang Qinghua had known that they were a possibility considering how weak the illness made him. The two had talked about it before and how Shen Yuan would use them before going to a wheelchair if necessary. If the pain grew too bad, was the unspoken.
He never would have imagined it would happen so soon.
This wasn’t about Shen Yuan’s illness though.
“Hey, A-Hua… Can we talk?”
And just like that, all blood drained from Shang Qinghua’s face, his entire body going cold. He could have sworn all the blood just seeped out of his skin and pooled at the floor under him, and he braced himself against the wall of the hallway.
Tears threatened his eyes, a mess of emotions swirling in his mind as he tried to piece together what’s happening.
“A-Hua? Really, A-Hua?” He starts, voice trembling but he wasn’t sure if it was out of fear or anger. Maybe both. “You don’t have that right. I don’t… I…You left me.”
He faltered, pressing his lips together in a thin line as he stared helplessly at Shen Yuan, looking at Liu Qingge as if he could solve all his problems. He hadn’t even told Liu Qingge about this! Shang Qinghua expected to never hear of or see Shen Yuan again, let alone consider the fact that he would show up at his door! Definitely looking a lot better than when Qinghua last saw him, his stupid, still heartbroken mind supplied him. Now was definitely not the time! He was hurt!
Liu Qingge shut the door in Shen Yuan’s face after uttering a harsh “one moment” and went to Shang Qinghua, putting a warm hand on his shoulder that slid up to cup his cheek. He tilted into it.
“Are you okay?”
God, he was still so simple with his comfort. Maybe Qinghua had a type, Shen Yuan was pretty shit at it at times too. “Yes, I… I think I’m fine. I don’t know, Liu Qingge I… Well how am I supposed to feel when my ex shows up at my door asking to talk?!” His breath shuddered and he pressed his forehead against his chest.
“I can tell him to leave. Don’t worry about it.”
“No!” He told him, squeezing his hands into fists. “It’s… more complicated than that… At least I think it is, I don’t know. It looked like it, at least.” He stepped back and laughed, running a hand through his hair.
Sidestepping Liu Qingge, Shang Qinghua opened the door. Shen Yuan had stepped back and was staring down at the ground, looking back up when the door opened. He had an unreadable expression on his face and Shang Qinghua just wanted to yell and slam the door shut again, but he took a deep breath to compose himself.
“We can talk, but not here. Not in private, not yet,” He sighed and opened the door wider, stepping out of the way. “Come in, I’m not a monster and it’s getting colder out. I know how it hurts you.”
Shen Yuan winced at that comment of familiarity, guilt finally reading on his face as he nodded slightly and stepped in, taking off his shoes.
“Thank you, Shang Qinghua,” he said instead, pausing and looking up at Liu Qingge a bit intimidated.
Liu Qingge looked at him and nearly scoffed, rolling his eyes as he turned away.
It didn’t take long for the trio to decide on going to a coffee place, and about just as long for both Liu Qingge and Shang Qinghua to get dressed to go. Part of Shang Qinghua wanted to offer Shen Yuan the ride there, but everything was wisely stopped when Liu Qingge passed Shen Yuan a slip of paper with the address.
“Do you have a car?”
“… Yes” He looked nearly uncomfortable enough to forget how to speak.
“Good. We’ll meet there. Qinghua lets go.”
Shang Qinghua could hardly will himself to look at Shen Yuan, was entirely unable to process what kind of face he must be making. Chewing on the inside of his lip until it hurt, his nails dug into the palms of his hands as he squeezed them tight for some semblance of control.
“So? What is it you have to say?”
He watched as Shen Yuan’s eyes immediately darted to him and stared at him with unreadable emotion behind them, emotions Shang Qinghua was sure that if he saw before he might have understood perfectly. Ideas of what they could be whispered at the back of his mind, but the pain of his nails kept them at bay.
“... You can’t be serious. Did you really show up without any sort of plan in mind?”
A breath. “I didn’t expect you to be dating.”
“Why?” He wanted to get defensive, to scream at him and hurl bitter accusations. The calling out of someone’s order brought him back to reality. They chose to do this in public for a reason.
“Sorry, no. That’s not what I meant to say. I-I mean, I’m happy for you. I can understand why and all, I just- I don’t know,” He sighs and pinches the bridge of his nose. “Give me a second. Let me start over.”
The three of them sat in silence, Liu Qingge finally averting his gaze to look at his boyfriend, a hand on his lap to give his thigh a comforting squeeze. Shang Qinghua wasn’t sure he could call it a comfort at that moment though.
“I’ll start with this, I never cheated on you. At the end, none of it. I couldn’t even dream of cheating at that time, not that I wanted to.”
“And yet,” Shang Qinghua’s voice comes out a lot more pointed and sharp than he feels. “You let me think that you were. For months. I know you’re not so stupid to not be aware of that, right?”
A small nod.
“Then tell me what happened, the full truth. You owe me at least that much since you came to me first after all this time.”
And so Shen Yuan tells him. It’s a messy explanation, one that Shang Qinghua almost feels guilty for not sending Liu Qingge away for. But Liu Qingge is like his rock now, and has been since his consciousness faded in the snow all that time ago. Had stayed with him during the worst of it, when the remnants of what happened clawed at him and had Shang Qinghua flirting with death. And he made sure to be there during the best of it, like quiet and tender nights together that seemed so foreign to a man like Liu Qingge.
He listens the entire time without interrupting, about how Luo Binghe worked in medicine and could help with a treatment. The fact that Shen Yuan’s illness left remission and returned and how he, for some reason, couldn’t bring himself to tell Shang Qinghua. How he chose to suffer in silence for months, to hurt Shang Qinghua and suggest that feelings were fading due to the doctor, CEO, whatever he was. How he left to live in the hospital for almost all this time until recently.
How once he was cleared to safely travel on his own and live a relatively normal life again, he went to check their old apartment. Just to see.
“—And I will say, clarify really, that I didn’t do all this with some.. goal in mind.” He waves his hand, like he was trying to find the words. “I was curious, the entire time, but I couldn’t act like my actions weren’t nothing and just message or call you. Maybe earlier on, before I left, but not after I did all that. If you weren’t at the old apartment I wouldn’t have tried to find you. I.. I didn’t really prepare for the possibility that you would still be there.”
“We’ve been talking about me moving soon. Cruel twist of fate, isn’t it?” Shang Qinghua lets out a shaky laugh.
He takes a long sip of his drink, teeth biting down on his straw at the end of it and he watches the way Shen Yuan frowns at him, practically mirroring the way Liu Qingge sighs. He forgot Shen Yuan always got on his case about it, much like his current boyfriend. Maybe he has a thing for being scolded, he’s certainly not going to look into that further.
Releasing it from his mouth, he wrings his hands together on top of the table, eyes struggling to look up.
“Thanks. For, uh, telling me. Finally.”
“You’re welcome.”
They sit in silence again, and Shen Yuan sticks a hand into his pocket and jingles some change. Liu Qingge finally speaks up, leaning a bit over the table to look at Shen Yuan.
“What are your plans now? You haven’t left yet.”
He seems to startle at that, like suddenly becoming aware that his prolonged stay was in fact awkward.
“Um, I don’t know. Leave? I shouldn’t overstay my welcome when I know my presence is… less than ideal.” He looks like he wants to say more, to apologize or point out what has been occupying his mind, eyes fixated on Shang Qinghua. None of those happens though, and Shang Qinghua hates that he’s already able to pick up on these things again.
“My phone number is the same. If you want to talk more.” Shang Qinghua blurts out, “You… are a total asshole though, I hope you know. I can’t forgive you like this, and hell I don’t think I really even understand why you would do that. That was a level of stupid I couldn’t even imagine writing for my stories—”
“—Your stories would be lucky if they had a solid enough plot that allowed for any type of serious emotional discussion.”
Such a familiar and playful comment causes him to pause. Taken aback by the boldness of it, and how it seemed to just spill off from Shen Yuan’s tongue. A habit reawakened, a tendency renewed. An aching feeling of knowing another being so intimately that it comes falling back into place like riding a bike, whether either of them want it to or not.
Pink tinges Shen Yuan’s cheeks, and his lip press together in a display of discomfort.
“Anyway, the point is, I’m willing to at least feel things out. See how they go. You… really have no idea how things were for me at all, and maybe with time I’ll tell you. I don’t know.”
Shen Yuan’s entire body seems to soften. Not with hope or relief, but with acceptance. He gives a soft nod to himself, like he was processing Shang Qinghua’s words, and what that meant going forward, then a more firm nod to the two across from him.
A smile ghosts his lips, and his tired eyes seem to brighten ever so slightly.
“I appreciate it. And I look forward to getting to know you again, properly.”