Work Text:
[Trent’s House]
[The doorbell rings.]
[Trent opens the door. It’s Ted.]
Trent: Ted? What on earth are you doing here so late?
Ted: Oh gosh I didn’t even realize the time. I hope I didn’t wake up the little kiddo…
Trent: She’s with her mother this week. What are you doing here? Is something wrong?
Ted: Oh no, no, sorry I didn’t mean to worry you. I just wanted to talk to you, is all.
Trent: Well at least come inside before you catch a chill. You’re not even wearing a coat!
Ted: I didn’t even think to grab one on my way out the door. I swear I’d lose my own head if it wasn’t attached!
[Ted moves into Trent’s entryway, Trent closes the door.]
Ted: This is quite a lovely place you’ve got here! Though I expected more books and stuff scattered all around…
Trent: Well I don’t generally keep my books in the foyer. Ted, for the last time, why are you here?
Ted: …Right. I guess I just came over to apologize for the other day.
Trent: What are you talking about?
Ted: Oh it’s just that when I ran into you and your fella at The Crown and Anchor, I wasn’t exactly as friendly as I could’ve been. I didn’t mean to give the cold shoulder to my friend’s boyfriend.
Trent: Ted, you were perfectly polite. And he’s hardly my boyfriend. We’ve only been on a couple dates, and I’m not particularly eager for there to be a third one.
Ted: Oh I’m sorry to hear that. Why not? Is he a West Ham fan? Was he one of those guys who seems cool at first but then starts saying weird stuff about immigration or vaccines or something?
Trent: No, nothing like that. He just… we didn’t have that spark, I guess.
Ted: Ah. Well that’s too bad. Regardless, I promise I’ll be perfectly friendly the next time I meet a gentleman who’s trying to woo your heart. You’re my friend, Trent, and I really just want you to be happy.
[Trent sighs and shakes his head]
Ted: What’s wrong?
Trent: Ted, when you do things like show up at my doorstep to apologize for some perceived slight, and tell me that you want me to be happy, it makes it incredibly difficult for me to get over you.
[Ted blinks at him, confused.]
Ted: Over me?
Trent: Please, at least spare me the embarrassment of spelling it out for you.
Ted: I’m sorry I don’t understand…
Trent: Ted, at this point practically everyone knows I’ve had a painfully obvious crush on you for years now.
Ted: Everyone?
Trent: Yes, that’s sort of the “painfully obvious” part.
Ted: Oh… I guess I must have missed the memo on that.
Trent: What?
[Ted shuffles awkwardly and shrugs.]
Trent: Oh my god, you really didn’t know?
Ted: I mean… not until about 8 seconds ago.
Trent: Fucking shit. Great. So this is officially the most embarrassing thing I’ve ever done. Fantastic.
Ted: Trent…
Trent: Please, let’s just pretend this never happened.
Ted: Trent listen, I-
Trent: I forgive you for whatever breach of Midwest decorum you believe you’ve committed, so now you can just go home and we’ll never talk about this again.
Ted: Trent-
Trent: I very much value our friendship, far too much to ever do anything that might make you uncomfortable, but if you need to have some space from me for a little while I understand. Like I said, I’m trying my best to get over you and-
Ted: What if I don’t want you to get over me?
Trent: …Well I would say that that’s an uncharacteristically cruel thing for you to tell me.
Ted: No I mean… whatever feelings you have for me, I’m pretty sure I feel the same way for you. I just didn’t realize it until recently.
Trent: But… I… Ted, you’re not gay.
Ted: It’s 2025, I was under the impression things aren’t so black-and-white anymore.
Trent: Ted, I am far too old to be someone’s “experiment”
Ted: It’s not like that! Sure, this isn’t something I’ve ever done before, but I’m not just into you for the sake of trying it out. You’re important to me, Trent.
Trent: Ted…
Ted: You know, I never had a slice of pecan pie until I was in my 30s.
[Trent raises an eyebrow, looking particularly skeptical of Ted’s ability to make this at all relevant to the current situation.]
Ted: You see, back in the states, on thanksgiving, the main dessert is either pecan pie or pumpkin pie. Now growing up, my family was a pumpkin pie family, so every year for thanksgiving we would have pumpkin pie. My mama’s special recipe, rich and creamy with just the right kick of cinnamon. It was my favorite part of the whole meal, it was so good.
Then when I got older I would sometimes go to another family’s house for thanksgiving, either some cousins or Beard’s family or, later on, Michelle’s family. And sometimes there would be pecan pie. But of course I always brought my own homemade pumpkin pie, all according to my mama’s recipe. It’s just the courteous thing for a guest to do, bringing something of their own to a big get-together like that.
So sometimes at the end of the meal there would be both pecan pie and pumpkin pie, and naturally I always helped myself to a slice of pumpkin. I’ll admit I was sometimes a bit curious about those pecan pies, with their mysterious gooey filling and all. I guess you could say I was “pie-curious.”
[Ted laughs awkwardly.]
[Trent gives a twitch of a smile, but he doesn’t look particularly amused.]
Ted: …Well anyway, I didn’t want to miss out on the pumpkin pie I knew I loved so much, just to take a chance on some unfamiliar sweet treat that I might not even like, for all I knew. I suppose I could’ve had a slice of each, but I didn’t want to seem greedy, taking more than my fair share of dessert. It just didn’t seem polite.
Then one year, Michelle’s cousin had just bought a new house, so him and his wife offered to host that year’s Thanksgiving. Now his wife must have gone to pastry school or something because when she brought that pecan pie out to the table… hoo boy, if it wasn’t the prettiest thing I’d ever seen! The crust was crimped all fancy around the edges and just perfectly golden-brown. The sugar was all crunchy and shiny on top, the nuts were lined up in neat little rings, and it was topped with some kind of caramel and chocolate drizzle, which I didn’t even know you could have on a pecan pie!
Well the whole time they were passing around the dessert plates I was sweating, thinking about how bad I wanted to try that pecan pie. But then I realized, my mama wasn’t around to be all offended by my choosing a pecan pie over her special family recipe. No one was stopping me from trying the darn thing if I wanted to. So I took the risk and I helped myself to a slice. And good lord! It was unlike anything I’d ever tasted. Crunchy on the outside and sticky in the middle, notes of bourbon and vanilla, nuts perfectly toasted to keep it from being too sweet. It was glorious I tell you.
And just to think, I had almost passed on something so delicious for just more of the same old thing. I liked it just as much as any pumpkin pie I’d ever had, maybe even more! Well ever since then, I’ve had other pecan pies, and they were good, no doubt about it, but none of them have ever been quite as incredible as that first one, the pie that was so amazing it made me rethink everything I thought I knew about what I wanted in a pie.
What I’m trying to say here Trent… Well, what I’m tryna tell you is that you’re the most gorgeous, brilliant, and just all-around incredible pecan pie I’ve ever met, and I don’t want to miss my chance to have a slice of you. Because I’ve got a feeling that once I have a taste, you might be the only pie I ever want from here on out. You know what I’m saying?
Trent: Ted, I…
Ted: I suppose it’s not my best metaphor. It sort of leaves out things like sweet potato pie and apple pie, but then maybe they represent something else? That sort of thing might be above my pay grade in terms of understanding the wide spectrum of gender and sexuality.
Trent: Ted…
Ted: And also I do apologize because it’s just occurred to me that “eating pie” is definitely a euphemism for something, and I didn’t mean for that to be the implication here. Although I don’t mean to say whatever it’s a euphemism for is completely off the table, if that even applies in this situation. I’m not sure if it’s a general term or if it’s more specific to a certain type of “pie” if you get my-
[Trent kisses him.]
Trent: Ted Lasso, you are the most absurd man I’ve ever met.
Ted: Absurd? I have to say I’m used to you describing me much more creatively than that.
Trent: Well forgive me for not being at my best, you just compared me to a fancy pie and it’s somehow the most romantic thing that’s ever happened to me.
Ted: Hey, it’s the most romantic thing that’s happened to you, so far. I’m not one to rest on my laurels when it comes to romance. I might be a little rusty when it comes to wooing someone but-
Trent: Is there anything I can do that can get you to stop talking?
Ted: Oh there are quite a few ways to shut me up, but given your investigative skills I think I’d much rather let you figure them out instead of just telling you right out the gate.
Trent: Is that a challenge, Coach Ted Lasso?
Ted: I don’t think it’ll be too much of a challenge for Trent Crimm, Independe-
[Trent kisses him again.]
[Fade to black]
[Roll credits]