Archive of Our Own ^beta

Chapter Text

Azula laughed as she threw a stone into the gardens pond, hitting a small turtle duck and sending it under the water before it bobbed back up. Ozai stood over her,watching her with that proud look he got whenever he saw the girl firebend.

Zuko wished farther would look at him like that, proud of him, happy with him. Was he doing something wrong? He thought, he had always fed the turtle-ducks bread because he wanted to make sure they weren’t hungry. But if farther was proud of Azula for throwing stones then if he did the same his father would be proud, right?

Ozai was a busy man and Zuko didn’t spend much time with him, though he hoped that would change, so he decided to test his plan on Ursa first.

“Hey mom, wanna see how Azula feeds turtle ducks?”

“Zuko! Why did you do that?!”

Zuko frowned, not only from the bite on his ankle but from the fact that mom was mad at him. Why was she mad? He did what he was supposed to didn’t he?

Or was azula the one in the wrong? It had to be, mother was always correct and if she said Azulas method was wrong and Zukos was right, well Zuko couldn’t agrue.

But the real confusion came from father, he seemed to always belive the young prince was wrong no matter what he did. He could follow orders perfectly, just like Azula, throw himself into his studies and firebending only to be told Azula was better. So if being good didn’t get him the love he so desperately wanted…

Then he’d have to be bad.

It all made sense now, mother said that Azula was wrong but ozai treated her better, whereas zuko was right but he was treated worse—what was wrong was right and what was right was wrong.

So then he rebelled, he spoke out of turn. He looked that old general into his eyes and told him he was wrong and stupid, just like Azula would’ve. And so he was challenged to an Agni Kai, he accepted it in an instant, do doubt he could win this, he may not be a prodigy like Azula but he was still strong and the general was old and weak.

That’s the part he told Iroh, but decided to leave out the part were he thought if he could win this he might finally get his farthers approval, he knew that would get him another lengthy lecture by uncle and he’d rather not listen to that.

But now he wished he had. As he kneeled in front of his father, tears falling from his bright amber eyes, as he begged through sobs for his farthet to spare him, told him that he would never raise a hand to him, that he was a good loyal son.

But it didn’t matter. Ozai just looked down at him, his gaze cold and unfeeling as he raised a hand, now glowing with heat to his face. No one was close enough to hear what he said in that moment but the words rang in zukos ears like a mantra.

“You deserve this”

Barely had time to process that before he felt it. That searing white hot heat that felt as through it struck the very core of his soul. He screamed out in pain, unable to form words but, unlike what the on lookers thought, he wasn’t trying to get oazi to stop.

No.

He was screaming for someone to help him. His words were illegible to everyone else, impossible to understand through sobs, but to him, and farther, they were clear was day:

“Help, please, someone!uncle?! Please,I’m sorry help me! Mom?! Please, someone!”

But no one came.

He vaguely heard screaming over the ringing in his ears before he fell to the ground.

Zuko told Iroh that he had blacked out the moment that hand touched his face but he didn’t. He just couldn’t bear the haunted look in his uncles eyes everytime he looked at his face. So he didn’t tell him, didn’t tell anyone, not a single soul. Didn’t tell them how he begged for rescue, didn’t tell them how he felt it all, didn’t tell them how he still feels it on bad days, didn’t tell them he saw Azula smile as he was being dragged off…

No. He couldn’t do that. Not when uncle was already trying to hard to make him feel better, Iroh took him to every play he saw, bought him every gift he’d like, made him his favourite tea -which he lied and said was jasmine because he knew it was irohs favourite but nothing helped. He tried to lie, tried to act like it helped but it felt like putting a band aid over a missing limb.

The guilt began to consume him, taking over every fiber of his being. He deserved this. There was no other way around it, he had been weak and thus deserved punishment and he even had the audacity to think he deserved help? No. No. He deserved nothing, he didn’t deserve what Iroh gave him, he didn’t deserve love. Zuko was sure that everyone knew this as well, he’d seen the looks he’s been given, they must just be doing this out of pity, they couldn’t love him.

They had to be lying. No one could love him. No one did, it was all just pity. And the sooner everyone admited that,the sooner he could stop feeling this overwhelming guilt.

Guilt turned to frustration, frustration turned to anger. He began lashing out at everyone he saw, snapping at them,yelling and screaming until they just left him alone. It helped, it drew away everyone, no one pretended to love him anymore except for one.

Iroh

For some reason Zuko just couldn’t figure out, iroh wasn’t giving up, he couldn’t scream and scratch and kick but uncle would always just be waiting patiently for him to calm down, tire himself out and offer him some tea, jasmine still, Zuko hated it but Iroh smiled when he drank it and a small part of him was keeping himself from letting that smile fade.

He couldn’t understand it, why would anyone care so much about him? Treat him any better then he deserved, he didn’t deserve this, so why did he keep trying?!

He’d spent three years at sea, hunting down a myth, a voice in his head told him that farther didn’t want him back, that this was just a trick to keep him out. But he didn’t listen, he couldn’t listen, he couldn’t bare the thought that he wasn’t good enough. When he landed in the water tribe he was taken aback, the boy was so young and innocent. He looked around twelve-thirteen, with big, wide eyes and a happy smile that seemed almost permanent plastered on his face.

Zuko hesitated for just a moment, he had planned on throwing a ball of flame at the avatar but could he? Could he look at this kid that looked so much like he did when he was younger and do the same thing his farther did?

The avatar got away. And for the next week Zuko avoided mirrors like the plague,thinking that if he looked in one his farther would stare back at him.

Zuko hated every moment of the chase but he couldn’t give up, not when he was so close to getting his home back.

He gave up on chasing Aang soon after Azula attacked, he had other things to worry about. At some point he was alone in the earth kingdom, slowly starving to death in the middle of nowhere but strangely he didn’t seem to care, he was pathetic he didn’t deserve to eat.

He found his way back to Iroh and into Ba sing se, he hated to admit it but he actually liked it, he liked how peaceful life was now, living with his uncle and working in the tea shop. But that small part of his mind was screaming the entire time, telling him he shouldn’t live like this, that he didn’t deserve anything this good.

Then Azula came, and it was like he was back when he accepted that agai Kai, where he had to chose between what his uncle would’ve  wanted and what would make farther proud.

And he chose farther again.

He regretted, so deeply, but it was overshadowed by the relief that came from the idea that his father would love him again. He was counting down the days until he returned and was able to see that proud glint in his farthers eyes again but at him time.

But when that day came, and he kneeled in that oh so familiar way, looking up at his father he was only met with that same cold uncaring glare he always had been.

He still wasn’t enough.

Chapter Text

After years of confusion and being lost, Zuko finally made a decision:he was going to join the avatar and help him restore balance to the world.

It was a rough start.They didn’t trust him. And honestly could he blame them? He wouldn’t trust him either. Toph was the only one who liked him at first, she wasn’t there when he chased them, she had heard stories, been there for tidbits of his history but other then that she knew nothing.

She knew nothing other than what he was like now. A awkward, angry teenager who’s heart was like a humming bird and flinched at every loud noise that met his ears (despite hiding it pretty well).

Toph form of showing affection was punching, the entire gaang knew this, they knew this all to well.So when Zuko joined and was clearly trying -and failing- to befriend them, she thought it would be a good idea to give him one of her friendly punches when they were alone.

They sat together,alone, while the others were out at the market.Katara had told her to keep watch on the boy like he could actually hurt her. Zuko was quietly sharpening his swords, spine as straight as ever, when Toph gave him a grin, one a little softer then usual.

“Loosen up, sparky!” She laughed “I’m not Katara, I won’t hurt you, you don’t have to be so alert all the time” she raised her fist and playfully punched at his arm—his thin arm. If it were anyone else it would of gone unnoticed, but this was Toph, who had seismic sense and could feel the muscles in his body tense, his heart skip a beat and him flinch ever so slightly.

He acted causal,like he had expected it to be a friendly punch, not like he really thought Toph would hurt him or anything! “Im fine Toph” he said firmly though his voice wavered slightly.

Toph paused. Her mind going a million miles a minute, why had he flinched, was he really that unused to friendly touch? She knew he was supposed to be the bad guy but even she felt sympathy for that. She herself knew how much a bad home can hurt you, while her parents had never physically hurt her, even she had things that brought her right back to those moments. When people would scold her and call her weak or say she wasnt enough and suddenly she was right back in her parents living room, head ducked and holding back a flood of tears.

But Zuko,Zuko was different. So similar yet so different. They both had rough home life’s, yes, but her parents not nearly as cruel as zukos. She may not have known about zukos mother but she knew enough about his father: ozai. The firelord. The prince had never talked about his childhood but it didn’t take a genius to figure out that living with a such a cruel, heartless man would most definitely leave with more then mental scars.

The silence was tense, zukos heart rate had picked up yet he didn’t show it, he had picked up on her figuring it out and all he could do was silently pray she doesn’t try pry him into talking about—he really hated talking about it.

Toph wasn’t a ‘talking about feeling’ type either, she often defaulted to humor -the blind girl found that a light hearted joke could often lighten the mood- but she also had learnt that Zuko wasn’t that…smart, no not dumb, but just a little…dense and jokes often went over his head,he took them to heart.

So emotions it is then.

She took a deep breath: “you know I’m not going to hurt you right?”

A long silence until Zuko looked up, confusion clear on his face “what?” He asked.

“Im not going to hurt you” Toph said a little more firmly “if you don’t attack me I don’t attack you. I don’t kick people when they’re down and you’re—” she paused, awkwardly gesturing to him “…pretty down”

Zuko rolled his eyes at the insult, but his anger was replaced with a certain softness in his eyes. One that hadn’t been directed at anyone in a long time, not since Azula was little and still untouched by their father. But she didn’t know that, she would never know just how much she was like that little girl to Zuko.

“…promise?” Zuko asked, voice smaller then he wanted it to be.

Toph was taken aback for a moment before placing a gentle hand on her shoulder (because by the sprits he needed more gentle touch) “promise” she nodded

“Thank you”

“No problem,sparky”

Chapter Text

Sokka grunted as he swung his sword, he had woken up early just to get some practice in and was starting to get tired.

Zuko sat on a rock close by, cheeks a soft pink colour and while no one else was there, he was sure if they were someone would ask if that was smoke coming of him.

’…oh Agni he is so handsome’ Zuko thought, biting his lip before freezing.‘What? No I can’t think like that, it’s probably just…admiration, right? I mean he is really good with those swords’.

Sokka turned to face him, opening his mouth to ask how his last move was when he saw the small puffs of smoke coming of Zuko.

”whoa! Dude, are you okay?!” He asked, rushing over to him, he didn’t know much about fire benders but he was sure smoke coming off him wasn’t normal, was he sick?

”oh! Um-“ Zukos brain short circuited, what was wrong with him?! “Yea, yea I’m fine” he lied horrifically.

”Zuko.you are an awful lier Y’know that?” Sokka said, his tone a mix of amusement and concern.“seriously, buddy, your my friend—“ for some reason being called that gave Zuko a nasty feeling “you don’t have to lie to me”. The water tribe boy cupped his face gently “how about you go back to your room?” He suggested “take a break”

Zuko froze for a long moment “okay” his voice cracked slightly as he stood up a little to quickly and rushed out of the room and straight to his bedroom.

face planting onto the bed he burried his face in his pillow. He’s never felt like this before, all warm and tingly, well he kinda remembered feeling that way a few years back when he would train some of the other students would make his face heat up and his heart race but that wasn’t anything, right?

it kinda sounded like how mai talked about ty Lee. Or when iroh would talk about him ‘finding a nice lady someday’ even though he never really felt that way around women—

oh.

oh.

no no no no no no no no no no no no—

he couldn’t right? He wasn’t-he’s not… he was already enough of a disappointment he didn’t need this, he was a freak. What would others think? There’s no way he could hide it, he was a terrible actor! They would think he’s disgusting, that he can’t be their friend anymore…

“Zuko?” Kataras voice came from behind the door, as gentle and kind as ever. “Are you okay in there?” She asked, sounding suspiciously like a concerned mother.

”I-yes!” Zuko lied, quickly wiping his tears away, when did he start crying?

“No you’re not” Katara said pushing the door open only for her eyes to widen as she saw the state he was in. “Are you okay?!” She yelled, rushing to sit on the bed next to him

”yes, yes I’m fine!” Zuko said, scolding himself for being so weak “don’t worry” he insisted.

”I-sokka told me you were acting strangely but I just thought—“ Katara paused, tilting her head as she noticed him freeze once Sokkas name was mentioned “did he do something? Because if he did, I don’t care if he’s my brother I am not above giving him a talking to”.

zuko shook his head “no! No!” He interrupted “he didn’t do anything” he said quietly. There was a long silence before he spoke again

”it’s me, I’m…I’m disgusting”.

Katara put a tentative hand on his shoulder, raising an eyebrow “Zuko” she began “what makes you think that?” She asked, confusion evident.

”I-“ Zuko stopped himself, curling up tighter into himself, he took a deep breath before admitting “I like him” he whispered “not like a friend but…more”

Katara blinked, taking a long moment to take it in before letting out an uncharacteristic “what.” Zuko had a crush on her brother? And he thought he was disgusting? What did he think about her brother?!

Zuko picked up on kataras anger, panic setting in “I’m sorry” he said softly, wiping his eyes again “I know it’s disgusting, I know what you think, I know i shouldn’t like boys like that but—“

”wait.” Katara put her hand over his mouth to shut him up “you think I’m angry that…your gay?”

”…yes”

”Zuko—“

”is that bad?”

”no?!”

Zuko flinched at the yelling and Katara forced herself to calm down as to not scare him further. “Zuko, no” she said gently, placing a hand over his “it’s okay, I was just being protective” Zuko didn’t believe her so she pushed further.

”listen, I don’t know what those bastards in the fire nation have told you, but liking boys? That’s normal. Love is love. Gender doesn’t matter. As long as your not hurting him…” she paused “I give you my blessing to ask him out”

Zuko went red, smoke coming of him again -so that’s what sokka was on about- “I can’t!” He blurted out.

”I-i mean, what if-what if he doesn’t like me back?! Or he thinks I’m a freak or—“

”Zuko.” Katara interrupted, laughing softly “I’m his sister. I can read him and trust me-” she paused, looking him dead in the eyes.

”he is smitten with you”