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The trouble starts when Jenny decides that they're one person short in their shift. Really, the trouble starts when Crystal first decides to hand out her job application at the Lost and Found, but there's no need to split hairs— not anymore than the humidity and heat from the pizza ovens are already doing for her. Her anti-frizz shampoo is expensive, so it's like the world's worst cycle, and it means she can't really quit every time Ms Nurse makes her way out of the office to argue with Jenny about the menu. Even though she really, really wants to. There are only so many times one can be expected to hear Ms Nurse mispronounce the word kebab or fail at talking Jenny into serving chicken burgers.
"She has a point, you know," Niko says, popping her head out of back of house. "No one goes to a pizza place that only sells pizza, unless it's an Italian place. Oh my god, now I really want Italian food."
"No one comes to this pizza place because it sucks," Crystal reminds her, blinking rapidly to get some of the cloud of glitter that seems to follow Niko everywhere out of her eyes. "All of it sucks. The name, the pizzas, the pizza names, and the Night Nurse."
"Technically this is the evening shift," says Edwin primly from her left, because he also sucks. "So she would be the Evening Nurse, if you insist on that moniker."
"No, this is the night shift, because an evening shift is stupid as fuck and there's over night shifts, so—"
"That alone doesn't imply the existence of a night shift."
The door opens before Crystal can threaten Edwin's existence if he keeps dragging her into the same argument for the fifth night in a row. At this point she'd welcome that extra person, really, because if she has to work front of house with Edwin one more day, there's going to be blood. Lots of blood. Not very sanitary, and the FSA is due to come around for a hygiene inspection any day now. They're not Chicken Cottage, they can't get away with anything.
"Please not another one of Edwin's boytoys," she pleads to the ceiling, because she's really not in the mood to watch one of those pathetic mating dances right now. Even if Niko thinks they're sweet, and she gets really excited and her eyes get all sparkly and—
Fortunately, it's not the fur coats guy, or the KFC guy, or the guy who is always obviously high off his head and yet somehow gets the closest to Edwin actually getting a clue, or any of the guys who walks in from time to time and gets inexplicably bewitched by Edwin's pretentious, bitchy ass. It's just a group of girls, so Crystal ducks into the back to steal some olives from Niko and watches Edwin be awkwardly rude all over the place as he takes their order. No one has ever been able to explain to her why he's front of house, exactly, considering he openly hates the position and the position hates him back.
"Who do you think Jenny hired in the end?" Niko says, topping up the tray of olives. Minus another few that Crystal filches. So sue her, her break was way too early and she's starving again. "The girls seemed really nice, but one of the guys was giving me bad vibes. Like, kicks puppies bad."
"How do you know all that?"
"I have really good intuition. Also, Jenny let me look at their resumes." Before Crystal can ask her to share her secrets, because on a good day all Jenny lets Crystal do is pick her own lunch, Niko adds, "Wouldn't it be so great if she picked one of the nice guys, and he's cute and smart too, and we can set him up with Edwin?"
Like he has some kind of supernatural alarm set for when someone's trying to fix his non-existent love life, Edwin pops his head into back of house and replies, in a tone that says please do not, "That's very kind of you, Niko, but please don't trouble yourself on my behalf. Could the ladies at the counter have two pepperoni and two margheritas? And Crystal," he goes on, in a tone that now says you are but an ant under my boot, "kindly go back to the front. I'm taking my break."
"You just don't want to have to train the new guy," Crystal snaps.
"Astutely observed," says Edwin, and goes on his goddamned break.
Of course, because Crystal is cursed today, the new guy comes in ten minutes later. He's freakishly tall, hot, and way too nice. Way too nice. Edwin's going to eat him for dinner. Fuck, Crystal is going to eat him for dinner, no matter how many biting comments of hers he keeps ignoring so far. Niko can do that because she's an angel on earth, but most people don't actually have the strength of character it takes to work at Lost and Found. Which is probably why they're short one. Which is probably why Crystal should try harder to be nice, to make up for the clusterfuck that Edwin's going to be, but she just can't find it in her.
"And that's Niko," she finally says, after she's walked him through everything at the front. It was a short walk, but to be fair, there's not much to see. They're a pizza place, they serve mostly just pizza, and the only thing to get to grips with is the register, but that's only because it's a piece of shit stuck in the eighties. She sticks her head into back of house, grabs the pizzas for the girls at the front, and points at New Guy with her free hand. "Niko, this is Charles. Charles, if you ever make Niko even the slightest bit uncomfortable, I will make you wish you were never born."
"That's so sweet," sighs one of the pepperoni girls. "Girls' girl."
Crystal slams the rest of the pizza boxes on the counter and glares. "I'm bi, we're in love, get out."
"Brill," says Charles, apparently totally fucking serious, big smile on his face and everything. "I'm—"
But whatever he was going to say is forever lost to time, because as the girls walk out, Edwin walks in through the open door, and Crystal would swear that it all goes in slow motion.
It's like this— Crystal isn't into Edwin, because she has standards, and also, Edwin's either gay or very, very rich in a British old-school kinda way, and either is a turn-off. Edwin wears dorky formal pants and shirts and sweaters like he's forever going to Church, every day at all times of the day. Edwin has never talked to a human being without insulting them at least once, including Niko somehow, and has none of Crystal's charm to make up for it. But there are some people— guys who are into that. Who are really into all that, and it hits them fast, and it hits them hard. It's a little funny to watch in the beginning, like a car crash where the person who caused it walks away obtusely without even glancing at the driver.
This is clearly one of those moments. New Guy Charles watches Edwin stride in and— oh, this is bad, there are heart-shaped eyes. So in further reflection, obviously what Charles was going to say before he got hit by the Edwin Effect was something along the lines of I'm bi too or I'm gay, probably the former, because Edwin's supernatural seduction powers seem to mainly work in the niche of obnoxious bisexual guys who want to get stepped on.
"And that's Edwin," Crystal says, helpfully pointing. "He's a bitch."
It does absolutely nothing. Edwin pauses, raises a judgy eyebrow, and there are now cartoon hearts floating over Charles' head too. Crystal should've know, really— no one this nice is normal.
"Hello," says Edwin, glancing at Charles for maybe a millisecond longer than he usually affords to mere mortals. "Please don't mind Crystal. I'm afraid she was poorly socialized as a child and has now developed an unfortunate tendency towards biting, metaphorically speaking. Also literally speaking, at times."
"Fuck y—"
"Nah, she's loads of fun, Crystal, I can tell," Charles replies, which would be nice, except he does it through what sounds like repressed laughter. If this is the day one of Edwin's suitors actually finds him funny, instead of just pretending for flirting's sake, Crystal is really going to wish she would've called in sick like her horoscope told her to. "Hi. I'm Charles."
He does a dorky little wave. It's cute, but not something Edwin would— oh fuck, he's actually smiling. Sort of. Smiling for Edwin's standards, anyway, so it's the perfect time for Crystal to run away to back of house and find a way to plug her ears and also her eyes.
Niko's busy making pizza dough, because for some reason their shitty workplace has them do that. Because that's what will save Lost and Found, right, homemade dough. Made by Niko, who is totally Crystal's light in this cruel world, but a little too busy with that to also be a good cook— dough-maker, whatever. In the interest of not having customers come back for refunds and having to watch Niko's face fall, because once was more than enough for everyone's sanity, Crystal weaves her way into Niko's space and distracts her with little face kisses until she can secure the dough. Then she gently guides Niko to fill up toppings, and throws it out when she goes into the fridge. There. She has to make a new batch of dough, but it's a small prize to pay for peace.
She's taken away from an imaginary world where she doesn't work at a pizza place, and she and Niko are just having a cutesy pizza night at home, by the sound of a tray hitting the floor in front of house. She doesn't want to know, mostly, but it's impossible not to. Car crash, and all.
"Are you alright?" Edwin's asking, politely, although all of his politeness tends to have an undertone of you bloody idiot.
"Yeah, mate, I'm ace," Charles replies, ducking away for a moment before reappearing with a tray in his hands. He's grinning the smile of the lovesick. Gag. "Landed on my foot, a bit, but I've got the other one still, so. Here."
"Thank you. I suppose I'd better take this away and prevent any more harm from befalling you."
And it's obvious that Charles can tell Edwin's being a dick. His digs aren't subtle, and Charles doesn't actually seem stupid. But for some reason, he seems to find Edwin charming, and he practically swoons at Edwin's little douchey smile. Which seems a little more sincere than usual. And that's not a line of thought Crystal wants to follow, not with only two coffees in her.
"Niko, Edwin's done it again," she sighs. "He's seriously some kind of gay vampire. He has the thrall, it's actually fucking ridiculous. Look, he got New Guy."
"He's just charming," Niko replies, inexplicably. Correction, Edwin's vampiric thrall track record so far: bisexual guys and Niko, because Crystal's life sucks. "They're so sweet together. And Charles is cute, do you think he's smart? Edwin likes smart. Ooh, I should look at his resume again."
What Crystal really loves about Niko— well, one of the million things, is how someone so kind and sweet and sparkly can have so much shameless willingness to commit crimes. Although, in retrospect, her confidence to do so was probably Crystal's own fault, the desire was in Niko all along. What sometimes frustrates Crystal about Niko is how she has way too much hope and goodwill for her fellow humans left in her heart that the world hasn't managed to stamp down. It's uplifting and it makes Crystal want to be a better person, and all of that crap, but in moments like this, when Niko's putting it to use by leaning into front of house and asking Charles about his opinions on theoretical physics, it mostly seems out to ruin Crystal's day.
"What, like the string theory thing?" says Charles, tilting his head like a confused dog. A confused dog that knows about string theory. "Didn't really get it, to be honest. Like, the strings I get, but the spatial dimensions thing is bloody confusing."
Edwin's eyes glint like he's a shonen character and someone just dared him into a fight, and then he starts actually explaining string theory. No, seriously. In the middle of Crystal's fucking shift. Drawing weird shapes in a napkin for Charles to follow, and he is following, or at least he's pretending to care.
"Don't worry, Crys," Niko whispers, wrapping an arm around her. Flour gets sort of everywhere, but Crystal wasn't actually planning to go back to front of house, so. "String theory has no testable prediction that has been confirmed by an experiment, so I don't think Edwin really likes it. They're just flirting." At Crystal's blank-faced shock, Niko beams. "They had a magazine in the waiting room when I went to the dentist in April. I know loads about Einstein now too. Did you know he was kind of a huge jerk?"
The shift still feels like it's never going to end. Especially after Edwin lets physics go and starts talking with Charles about detective fiction, which apparently they're both into. Very into. As in, Crystal's seriously starting to worry that they'll go off into the sunset to start their own detective agency before the shift's even over.
Finally, finally, they get through it, and Charles jets off to catch his bus, so there's peace in front of house.
"You're having way too much fun with New Guy," Crystal informs Edwin, once Niko's putting things away in the fridge. She wouldn't approve, but it needs to be said. "Tone it down by like a thousand. Jenny said if you scare off the customers with your nerd mating dance, she'll make you regret it."
"Fun?" says Edwin, twirling on his heels to glare. And there he is, the Edwin that Crystal knows and has sort of learned to tolerate. "You think I'm having fun. Yes, of course, because I dreamed for years of having the pleasure of working at a pizza establishment every day after university, being forced to engage with the general public from behind a counter that my irritating colleague seems utterly unable to clean properly, no matter how many times I show her. And now Charles will watch me do it, as well. Oh joy. Today has had no resemblance at all to my personal Hell, if you were wondering. Truly a wonderful evening."
"Why do you care what Charles thinks?"
"He's in love!" sings Niko, step-dancing back in to wash the sauce ladles.
"I'm going home," Edwin sighs, as he unties his apron. "Niko, have a lovely night. Crystal— do better."
"Don't suck anyone dry on your way back!" Crystal yells at his back. She'd worry about Edwin thinking it's a gay joke, but he doesn't know what a joke is, so she's fine. "Seriously, I'll find out. I have a Google alert set for vampires in libraries and the HMRC office, wherever you go to party."
The next few weeks of shifts aren't any better than they've ever been. Crystal's expectations were low, but it's still disappointing. No meteorite strikes the Lost and Found, and Jenny doesn't leave them to fulfil her true dream of opening a butcher shop— she just hangs around doing the stock order and whirling pizza cutters in her hands like she's wishing she was holding cleavers instead. And Edwin and Charles won't— stop— flirting.
"What's wrong with the Heart-throbber?" she hears Charles ask slyly after Edwin asks back of house for a meat pizza. "Mint name, innit?"
"Charles, you cannot possibly expect me to use the names on the menu. They're ridiculous, and quite frankly, stomach-turning. We would put customers off even more so than everything else already does."
"I dunno, mate, with a voice like yours? Could swing it, I bet."
The only thing worse than Edwin's subsequent blushing is that Charles insists on using the actual pizza names. Which is horrifying for obvious reasons, but also, no one at the Lost and Found has used them since way before Crystal started, so receiving an order for a Pine-For-Me-Miss-Piggy just leaves her and Niko floundering for way too long trying to figure out what the hell Charles is asking for, until they finally get a hold of one of the menus and decipher it as a Hawaiian pizza.
And then the revolving door of Edwin's boytoys begins.
It's Crystal and Charles in back of house, because Niko's on break and Edwin is completely useless in a kitchen. They're making pizza dough for a Deliveroo order, with Charles keeping up a constant stream of chatter that Crystal really should find annoying, but doesn't. Mostly.
"Oh, the KFC bloke's coming over," Charles suddenly says, cheerfully interrupting himself in the middle of a rant about the latest cricket match or whatever. "Good for him. He's been staring at us from across the street for like four hours, must be bloody starving."
"Yeah, well, not for our shitty pizzas," Crystal replies with a growing sense of despair.
There's only one KFC bloke who stares into the Lost and Found every time he's on night shift, elbows on the counter and head in his palms, dreamily smiling in their direction. Really, there's only one fast food employee who would consistently use their break to go eat even shittier fast food than the one they're escaping. And the guy's—
"Hello, Monty," says Edwin from the front, almost pleasantly.
"Hi," replies Monty, sickeningly happy. "You know, my horoscope said I'd be in luck today, and then I finally got a notification that they moved my shift to night."
—totally obsessed with Edwin.
"Oh, well— I'm glad to hear that you're enjoying the evening shift at KFC. I suppose someone has to."
Fortunately, Edwin's about as able to notice when someone's flirting with him as he is to make pizza dough, vampiric thrall and all. That doesn't seem to matter to Charles who, throughout the cringe-worthy conversation at the front, keeps digging his hands so hard into the dough he's kneading that it's probably seconds away from turning into cement. The second Niko's back from her break, Charles is off like a shot, frantically flirting with Edwin some more in front of Monty, who gets a twitch in his eyebrow like he's about to jump over the counter and peck Charles' eyes out like in that documentary she and Niko watched about cassowary birds. It's honestly hard to watch.
She takes her break before they completely put her off dinner.
When she comes back, though, she realizes that it's Thursday, and on Thursdays she takes her break an hour later so she can skip the weekly visit by the Cat King. It's too late now, and he's definitely come back from his holiday in New York, because she caught a glimpse of him near a Camden leather shop yesterday. She's just going to have to pray that none of the guy's slickness oozes too far out of him and gets on her shoes.
"One margherita with double tuna, coming right up," she mutters at Niko when he finally slithers in, hips swinging, shirt unbuttoned all the way to his navel. There's a reason she nicknamed the guy the Cat King, and it has nothing to do with all of his sleazy fur coats.
"Thomas," Edwin greets, from the front, and Crystal suddenly remembers that Charles—
Well. He's there, and he absolutely loses his mind, in slow motion and desperately holding onto his cheerful politeness by his fingertips. It's sort of riveting to watch. Or, mostly horrifying for Crystal, who didn't really have Edwin's thrall finally making some guy snap on her bingo card for the year. But riveting for Niko, at least, who stares with the same focus as if she was reading one of her mangas, and when she has to go into the fridge to stock up, she comes back running a minute later like Crystal's ex-boyfriend when the ads in the EFL play-offs didn't last long enough for him to grab a Ribena in peace.
"What did I miss?" she whispers, ladling tomato sauce on a dough base without even looking down. Bizarrely, it's coming out perfect, like a tiny zen garden on pizza.
"Oh, just Charles about to Hulk out on the Cat King."
As Crystal hands over the pizza to Charles, after a very hard nudge with the corner of the box into his back, Charles grins sharply and goes, "Anyways, mate, off you go. Here's your pizza." He shoves into the Cat King's hands and adds, impressively catty even for the present company, "Don't wanna make you any later for your posh party, yeah? The birthday bloke must be wondering why no one's coming out of the cake."
The Cat King, who to be fair does dress a bit like a stripper on shift, cracks up. "I work at a shelter, actually," he replies, winking right at Crystal, and Crystal suddenly remembers that there's a second reason why she started calling him the Cat King, and it has nothing to do with his cringe pizza opinions.
"Despite his general disposition, he's a dab hand with cats," Edwin adds, in the barbed tone that he uses on people he likes despite himself.
Crystal sees the light leave Charles' eyes in real time. It's kind of a huge bummer.
There are some people in the world that no one could possibly bear to see upset, not even Crystal on a particularly bad-tempered day. Niko's one of them. And, she discovers with a burst of irritation, Charles is another. She holds on for as long as she can, but when Edwin finally goes away to his break, she jumps back to front of house and pats Charles on the back. He's cleaning the counter according to Edwin's insane instructions, head hanging and eyes very far away. So maybe he's just upset because of Edwin's said insane instructions, actually.
"There, there. Edwin already pays way more attention to you than any of those idiots, you know. I'm not even sure he knows their names."
"Well, yeah, Edwin and I are best mates already," Charles replies, with a confused frown, like he doesn't get what Crystal's trying to do. And fine, she sucks at comforting people, but not this much. "He's brill. Just don't trust those blokes with him, do I. He can do loads better. I should fix him up with someone."
"With who?" Crystal asks, shrilly, because he's seriously— no, he can't be fucking serious.
"I dunno yet, everyone I think of feels wrong. I'll get it sorted, though, you'll see."
"Because you're his best friend, right," she tries again, leadingly, and Charles only beams.
So Crystal gives up and leaves him alone in front of house, to think on what he's done. Not that he will, because he seriously thinks that he just wants to be besties with Edwin in a totally heterosexual way. He seriously does. He somehow hasn't noticed his own ginormous crush, which can be seen from fucking space. This might just be her least favorite iteration of Edwin's thrall. She's going to spill her Starbucks all over his cream sweater next time they're in, hand on her heart.
All. Over.
Charles' flirting and obvious jealousy get a million times harder to watch, now that she knows it's all just as oblivious as Edwin's own— everything. Not even the horrid coffee stain on Edwin's sweater consoles her, because Charles swoops in like a brave knight to Edwin's bitchy queen and heroically helps him get it out before the shift starts. Then he goes and buys Crystal another Starbucks. Of course he does.
Fuck, but she hates her job.
"I love love," Niko sighs, leaning her head on Crystal's shoulder. She's watching Edwin fail at pretending he's not smiling at Charles' nonsense. A few strands of dark hair have gotten out of her bun, and brush Crystal's cheek.
"I love you," Crystal blurts out. It's not the first time she's said it, not even close, but it still makes her itch, especially when Niko looks back at her with beautiful, glimmering eyes. They're at the Lost and Found and she fucking refuses to find it romantic. She can't. Won't. Fuck, what to do— "Also, Charles doesn't even know that he has a crush on Edwin. He thinks it's some kind of bro-crush. Like he wants to be best bros with Edwin— mates, whatever. Heterosexually."
Niko's jaw drops open. Yeah, that's about right.
"This is just like Eternal Moonlight on the Crested Hill! I know how to fix this!"
"What?" Crystal startles, but it's too late, Niko's already on her way out to front of house. "Wait, Niko, like you fixed Jenny's love life? Niko! Like Jenny's love life?"
And sure, Crystal doesn't actually want Edwin to suffer that much, and Charles is kind of growing on her. But Niko on a mission is impossible to stop, so she just starts putting all the pizza cutters back in the drawers. They're not having another Jenny incident. Not on her watch.
"Hi Edwin, can you go get me a pen at Waterstones? Please and thank you, bye!" Niko slaps a five pound note into Edwin's hand, pushes him towards the door, and turns back to Charles, who's wiping a tray clean and staring with amusement. "Hi Charles. This is an intervention."
"Okay," says Charles, grinning. "What about?"
Edwin gives Crystal a pointed look over their heads. She shrugs and mimics for him to go, and when he hesitates, she mouths save yourself. That does it. Edwin knows that it's a cold day in Hell when she gives him life advice, and he's not stupid enough to waste it. He goes.
"You're in love with Edwin," Niko informs Charles, firmly. "That's why you hate it so much when all of his suitors come by. You want to be his suitor and also his boyfriend."
"Okay?" Charles replies, raising his eyebrows, and then what Niko actually said seems to hit him. His eyes widen, and he drops the tray straight on his foot, not that he seems to notice. "Oh, bloody hell."
"Yeah," Niko nods solemnly. "And you're going to ask him out, right? Because I think he'd really like it if you asked him out."
"Yeah? You think so?"
It's so pathetically hopeful that Crystal runs to the back and hides her head in her hands. This is no longer Edwin's personal Hell— it's her own. She's still on shift, and she's already taken her break, and she has no way of escaping what's about to happen short of locking herself in the fridge. Which she's strongly considering. Then Edwin comes back, holding out a pen for Niko to take with his pretentious bastard expression on, and Charles— Nope. No. This is just like watching the girl from Twilight falling for the dubious charms of the vampire guy. It's not romantic, it's a fucking supernatural thriller.
And if they're kind of sweet if she squints, Charles bouncing on his feet a bit when Edwin says yes and Edwin smiling with his head ducked like he's trying to hide it— well, fuck that.
She has her hand halfway into the tray of olives when Jenny walks out of the office, hands on her hips, a truly magnificent scowl on her face. Crystal has never been gladder to have put away the pizza cutters.
"You can't be fucking serious— Okay, why are none of you knuckleheads working? You do realize you work here, right? Niko, back of house. Crystal, get your hand out of that tray or I swear to Satan. And you two— no, you know what, I don't want to know. I really don't want to know. Let's all rewind, I'm gonna go back in the office and come back out, and you all better be at least pretending to care about your jobs. I'm going, okay? Come on— places, people!"
It takes two months for the worst thing ever to happen. On the way out of the coffee shop near campus, she and Niko almost literally bump into Charles and Edwin. Like a freaking jumpscare. It's Sunday and she doesn't work weekends, so there's no reason for them to be in her presence at all, except that she kind of forgot that they all go to the same university. Kind of. She had tried to forget, anyway, because her work life shouldn't get to leak into her regular life, and she's been lucky enough that it hasn't until now, despite Niko meeting Edwin for coffee and cake at least twice a month.
But now they're all staring at each other, and Niko's grinning, and so is Charles, and—
"Ohh, we should do a double date!"
"Ace! Lunch?"
Crystal glances over at Edwin and finds the same horror in his eyes than she knows are in her own. Unfortunately, their significant others think they're living in a romcom, and neither of them has the spine to tell them otherwise. She's definitely not telling Niko no for this one, that's for sure. And from the resignation in Edwin's face, she can tell they're going on a double date to—
Wait for it.
A fucking Italian place, because Niko and Charles want pizza.
"You had pizza two days ago," Edwin tries, with more patience than he usually bothers with. "You'll have pizza again tomorrow, most likely, because we work at a pizza establishment that exclusively sells the damn thing."
"Not the same, though, is it? We haven't got to make this one," Charles replies, cheerfully.
"You don't make any! You're front of fucking house!" Crystal snaps, but Niko gives her a pleading look and she deflates like a sad balloon at a birthday party someone's parents cancelled last minute. She'd know, she's had lots of experience with her useless parents not showing up places.
If only her coworkers had the same fucking courtesy.
But no, to the Italian place they go, where she can't even hold Niko's hand in peace because she's too distracted by the sight of Edwin and Charles flirting. Again. Like she doesn't get enough of that at work. And of course, she's about to order some pasta— because fuck pizza, but as she looks up at the waiter she realizes that he's a little too busy staring at Edwin. With longing. Because Edwin's fucking thrall strikes again.
Not that he notices, of course, but Charles does. He gives the waiter a pleasant smile and wraps an arm over Edwin's shoulder, and Edwin turns his head and smiles back at him, utterly besotted.
It's fine. It's all fucking fine. She'll never have peace, and that's okay, because she's apparently now friends with her obnoxious coworkers, the Edwardian vampire and his enthralled jock boyfriend, and they go on double dates with her and her girlfriend. At least Niko's— Niko, thank fuck. And they only have a few more years of working at the Lost and Found, hopefully, and if nothing else they can all sleep easy knowing that the Night Nurse will never get her way and have them handling chicken on a daily basis. No, only shitty pizza with even shittier names in their foreseeable future. Goddammit.
Crystal gives up and orders the ravioli.