Work Text:
Buck knew they’d be mad. Furious even. But honestly, he thought that they’d find out after it happened and it wouldn’t be his problem. Which he knows is a little selfish, but he couldn’t bring himself to care at the moment. He’d been thinking about it for months. Every time he went out on a call there was a chance he wouldn’t come out. Which is something he hadn’t thought about, until it happened to one of their own. Buck knows they’ve all had their own near death experiences, but nothing even permanent happened. They always made their way back home. Until they didn’t. When Bobby died, Buck felt his whole world collapse in on itself. Suddenly there was a piece of his life missing, like a gaping hole in his heart, like he was constantly bleeding out, and the only thing that could fix it, was buried 6 feet under. They weren’t really a family anymore, at least it didn’t feel like it. They barely talked outside of work, at least to Buck. They never ate together anymore, there was always this distance between everyone, and Buck couldn’t take it anymore.
So after months of going back and forth, he finally decided. He got a DNR. He signed up the paperwork and sent it to the chief. Legally he had to, but he didn’t have to tell his team because technically, it was personal information. That probably would have been the smart thing to do, but according to everyone else, he’s stupid and reckless, so why bother. He wasn’t planning on it coming out until after he was dead, but clearly the universe had other plans. And by universe, I mean Chief Simpson.
“Good morning Captain Han. May I speak with you in your office.” The Chief walks into the loft of the firehouse on a Thursday morning. Immediately Chimney knew something was wrong. I mean what Chief makes a random visit with good news? Maybe some times, but definitely not this time. He could tell by the look on the Chief’s face. At first Chim thought he was in trouble, before he catches the glimpse from him to Buck. As they go to the office, Buck starts to panic almost immediately after. Apparently his anxiety could be felt throughout the loft.
“You good Buck?” Hen asks. Buck looks up from where he was sitting on the couch, trying to will his knee to stop bouncing up and down. He smiles tightly, pressing his hand into his knee, which only helped some.
“Yeah, I’m good. Just worried about what the Chief wants to talk to Chim about.” It’s not surprising Buck was anxious about it to the others. He’s always anxious about everything.
“I’m sure Chim will be fine. He didn’t do anything wrong, so you don’t have anything to worry about.” It’s not as comforting as Eddie wanted it to be. Because Buck knows, Chimney will be fine. Based on recent events there was only one reason the Chief would pull Chimney aside out of the blue. Then everyone will know.
“Unless he’s lying about something.” Hen buds in. Eddie thinks about it for a moment before shaking his head.
“Nah, he’s a horrible liar. If he was lying about something we’d know. He’s kinda like Buck that way.” This causes Buck to whip his head to look at the two, his leg starting to shake again.
“What?” Buck tries to hide his nerves, but it’s clear he isn’t doing a good job with the way the two share a look.
“We’re talking about how you’re a horrible liar- are you sure you’re okay?” Eddie doesn’t even leave space in between questions, but before Buck can respond, he can see Chimney leaving his office with a look of heartbreak. But as soon as their eyes meet, it’s replaced with something else. Probably rage. And honestly, Buck wouldn’t blame him. Chimney waited till the Chief left before storming over towards Buck. Buck seeing this, stood up and tried to make a run for it, which really he should’ve known was a stupid idea, because no one was surprised when he ran into the side of the other chair. When he looked up from the ground he was currently wishing would swallow him whole, he saw Chimney standing there, a scowl on his face.
“Buckley, my office now.” Buck grimaces as his captain's words, not even daring to look at the others. He just sighs before standing up, and following him to his office. On the way out he can briefly hear Hen.
“Guess he was the one hiding something.” He doesn’t see the concerned look on Eddie’s face, as his back was already turned, but that doesn’t stop Eddie from making it. He tries to think of something that would make Buck want to run away, but he can’t think of anything.
In the office, Buck stands awkwardly by the door as Chimney takes a seat at his desk. For a few awkward moments no one says anything. Buck holds his breath, waiting for Chimney to break the ice. In a way it’s worse than if he were to immediately start to scream at him. But eventually he does.
“Well, are you going to explain yourself?” Was what Chimney’s first words were. And Buck being the coward he is, pretends not to know what he was talking about.
“Uh-what?” Buck stutters out, but Chimney isn’t having any of it.
“You know exactly what I’m talking about, because you tried to run away when I approached you. You wanna tell me why the hell Chief Simpson called me into my office to talk about a DNR? Because last time I checked you weren’t dying, unless you were also lying about that.” Buck’s heart feels like it could beat out of his chest at any moment. He could feel the blood pulse through his veins as a lie gets caught in his throat. He knew there was no point. Chimney already knew, and if he had to guess, everyone would probably know soon as well. So swallowing his lie, he decides to tell the truth.
“I’m not dying! Look I’m sorry you had to find out this way-” But Chim doesn’t let Buck finish, too hyped up on adrenaline. Well, hyped wasn’t the right word. More like it was an unwanted guest living in his bones.
“Were you ever going to tell us? Or were you just hoping you wouldn’t have to. That we’d just find out as they rolled away your dead body.” Buck winces at his tone. He hated when people yelled at him, even when he deserved it. Chimney gets in another few words before Buck can speak again.
“I mean, does Maddie even know? Probably not, because she definitely would have told me.” Buck him off before he can say anything else.
“No she doesn’t know Chim, and you can’t tell her. Okay you can’t tell anyone. I did this because of the job which means it’s confidential.” Chim speaks over Buck’s voice, and he realizes that this is probably going to be a one sided conversation.
“What? You can’t seriously expect me to keep this to myself?” Buck sighs in frustration. This is exactly why he didn’t want to tell anyone.
“Well you’re just going to have to try. I’m serious Chimney, I don’t want anyone to know about this okay? Especially Maddie. She has enough going on.” Buck’s words must go unheard, or ignored because now Chimney is pacing around the room, going on and on about trust in marriage.
“I can’t lie to your sister Buck-my wife. I know you’re not married, but it’s based on trust. I mean if she finds out you signed a DNR that I knew about and didn’t tell her, she’s going to kill me-” Finally Buck walks closer, cutting off Chimney’s frantic movements.
“I don’t care, Chimney. Under no circumstances will you tell her or anyone from the 118. No one can know about the DNR.” This breaks Chimney out of his trance. He knew what a DNR was, and he knew Buck signed one, but he didn’t quite understand what that meant until now. It didn’t sink in that if Buck got hurt on shift, they wouldn’t be able to help him if he flatlined. It wasn’t like the lightning strike when they got his heart started again, and everything was fine. If something like that happened on shift, they would have to just let him die. With that realization, Chimney slowly backs up and slumps into his chair. He doesn’t look at Buck. He can’t. Not even as he speaks up again.
“If you get hurt, we just have to let you die.” Chimney whispers. His voice breaking in half at the realization.
“That’s not true, Chim. If I get hurt, you can still help me, you just can’t resuscitate me if I flatline or something. Which doesn’t even happen often so you’re fine-” Before Buck can finish, Chim is talking over him yet again. But this time, there’s no anger in his tone. The adrenaline, long gone.
“You mean like the lightning strike? When you actually died. What if something like that happens again? If it does, we just have to let you die. What would I tell Maddie? She would be devastated. It’s not exactly like you’re careful when we go out on calls. You’re reckless, and you go running into danger, and you don’t follow orders. How am I supposed to keep you safe when you don’t listen? I tell you not to go into the burning building, you do anyway, and then you die, and we can’t do anything about it.” For the first time, since they’ve been in the office, Buck sits down. Taking a seat in front of Chimney, he leans over the desk, trying to catch Chimney’s eye.
“I’m sorry. I promise I’ll be more careful, but I need to know that if it does come to it. You’ll respect my wishes. You won’t try to resuscitate me. You’ll let me go.” Chimney doesn’t say anything for a few minutes. But Buck is patient. He doesn’t try to force him to talk. He knows this isn’t exactly easy news to receive. But eventually, Chim speaks up.
“Why?” His voice is soft. Quiet. Quiet enough that Buck has to strain his ears to hear him.
“Why did you sign the DNR if you’re not dying? You don’t have a reason to. In a job like this you’re basically just signing your death warrant.” He speaks louder this time. Not as loud as before, but enough for Buck to hear clearly.
“Because I’m selfish.” This finally makes Chim look up to face Buck. The words shook something within him.
“What do you mean?” Buck sighs, looking up to face the ceiling for a moment, leaning back in his chair, before closing his eyes. He spent the good of 10 minutes trying to get Chimney to look at him, but now he can’t even keep eye contact. Call him a coward, but he doesn’t want to see Chimney’s face when he says these next words.
“When Bobby died. I was a wreck. I know you guys saw some of it, but I spent the majority of my time checking on everyone else. Making sure they were okay because it was the last thing Bobby told me to do. He said you’d need me guys. But I don’t think there’s anything I can do that can make things go back to the way they were.” Buck speaks just as softly. He doesn’t speak much of Bobby if he’s being honest. He only feels slightly guilty about it, because he knows sometimes it’s just too hard. Like if he says his name, he’ll break down. And once he starts crying, he doesn’t know if he’ll be able to stop.
“So what? You’re like, suicidal? You just hope something out there will kill you because things are different now? Buck that’s not a reason to go sign your death date-” Buck cuts him off again. It kinda feels like that’s all they’ve been doing with each other since they started talking.
“No, that’s not it.” Buck opens his eyes, finally turning to face Chimney. The tears in his eyes make it a little easier to say this to his face, because now his vision is a little blurry.
“Then what is it?” Chim asks. Buck sighs before answering.
“It’s because it feels like all I’ve done since he’s been gone is let him down. I can’t make anything better, and I can’t make things go back to the way they were. It’s not because some things are different. It’s that everything is. We don’t talk outside of work, we don’t spend holidays with each other, we don’t even eat together anymore. It’s fine to pretend that things are still the same at work, but then you go home to Maddie and your kids. Hen goes home to her family, and Eddie goes home to his. But me? I go home alone. Even though it’s been almost 8 months, I still cry myself to sleep almost every night, and the nights I don’t are because I’m so mentally exhausted that I physically can’t anymore. I can’t do this again okay? I can’t do this another 4 times. Bobby was hard enough, but if I lose you, or Eddie, or Hen or even Ravi, who I’ve gotten really close with despite my own brain telling me not to cause I’m just going to lose him too, I’m not going to be able to just get over it. So I’m not hoping something will kill, it’s just if it does, I want it to happen before I lose anyone else because I can’t handle it.” Buck is out of breath by the time he’s done explaining. He’s scared of what Chimney will think. A part of why he didn’t want to tell him about the DNR is because he didn’t want Chimney to make him a man behind on calls, or not let him do the risky stuff, like rope rescues or even step inside of another burning building. He didn’t want to be treated unfairly just because of a decision he made. Luckily, he didn’t have much time to worry about Chim’s response because the alarm rang through the air, cutting him off.
The rest of the day goes by smoothly. In fact it’s not until a few months later that it’s brought up again. Neither of them speak of it. The others know something is going on, but Chim kept true to his word and didn’t say anything about it. Not to the 118, and not to Maddie. Buck felt a little guilty about it, but he didn’t want people to think he wanted to die or something and send him to a mental hospital. He could tell Maddie knew something was up also because Chim was horrible at keeping secrets. Anytime anyone asked him about it, he just said he couldn’t talk about it. It made their relationship a little distant. Neither of them could figure out what to talk about other than the obvious so they opted for saying nothing. Not the best option but Chimney was also still a little mad at Buck for making him keep it a secret, so he figures ignoring each other was better.
They were just at the end of their shift when they got called to a 5 alarm fire. Buck listened as Chim explained the situation, but it was hard to focus with the nagging feeling he had. Something was wrong, or about to go wrong, but he didn’t know what. He got this chill throughout his body, and it felt like he was on fire. But whatever it was, wasn’t important now. He couldn’t do anything about it so focused his attention back to the present. It was a warehouse filled with mattresses, and all types of furniture. It caught fire earlier this morning, and they’ve been trying to put it out for hours, but have been unsuccessful. The 118 pulled up and were informed that there were still 7 workers unaccounted for. At first Chimney had been hesitant about allowing Buck to go in, but with one look from the latter he caved. It wasn’t fair of him to stop Buck from doing his job just because he was scared. He was still a firefighter, and he still had a job to do.
“We got quite a few men on triage. But we still have 7 workers that are missing, so we could use your help inside.” Chimney nodded, before giving out orders.
“Okay, Hen help with triage. Eddie, Ravi, and Buck get inside and find those workers.” Buck didn’t hear where he told the rest to go. Probably on the ladders and hose, but he was already sprinting to get his equipment before running inside. They split up to cover more ground, yelling out to anyone who could hear. After 30 minutes, they managed to get out 6 of the 7 workers. Buck just finished helping out Jared, one of the workers when he realized Eddie was still inside. He curses lightly under his breath. He knew the building wouldn’t hold much longer as it had already been burning for hours. He also knew that Chimney would never let him, of all people, to go back inside. So living up to what everyone says about him, he stupidly and recklessly ran back into the building, going unnoticed by Chim. He yelled for Eddie, calling out desperately to find his friend. Just when he’s about to lose hope, he finds him near the west back of the building.
“Eddie. Eddie!” He screams over the flames, rotting in the air. Eddie looks up at the sound of his name, catching Buck’s eye as he stumbles closer.
“Eddie, the building isn’t safe, we have to go.” As if on cue, Chimney’s voice cracks through the radio.
“Evacuate, evacuate. Building’s going down any minute.” Buck tries to grab Eddie’s arm to pull him out, but Eddie pulls back.
“No, not yet. There’s still someone inside.” Buck is already shaking his head. They’ve gotten a few close calls to death in the last few months, but not this close. Buck refuses to let Eddie burn in this fire. He’s not losing anyone else, even if that means losing himself.
“I don’t care, Eddie, we need to leave now, it’s too dangerous.” Eddie scoffs, continuing to walk forward, despite Buck’s protests.
“You’re one to talk. Look I’m not leaving without him, so you can either help me look, or get out.” Buck sighs in frustration, choosing to ignore Chimney’s voice through the radio, asking where he was. Before Buck could get a word out, they hear a noise.
“Wait, shh.” Buck strains his ears to try and hear what Eddie does, and once he does, they don’t hesitate to run in that direction. Once they find the man, they find him pinned underneath a burning mattress.
“Help me.” The man’s voice is weak and croaky, so they work fast to get the mattress off. Once they get it off, they help the man to his feet, Eddie going on the left, and Buck on the right. They get a few feet away before they hear a crack, and then another one, and Buck doesn’t think before he pushes Eddie and the man out of the way, just in time before part of the ceiling comes falling down. He barely even registers Eddie’s screams before it goes black.
It’s silent for a good 5 seconds. That’s how long it took Eddie to snap out of it. It’s the longest 5 seconds of his life, and if Buck dies, he’ll regret every second of it.
“Oh god. No, no, no. Buck!” It takes another second before Eddie grabs his radio. He knows he needs to get the man out but he doesn’t want to leave Buck. What if he gets the man out but doesn’t get back in time to save Buck. And that’s even if they let him back in.
“Mayday, Mayday, Firefighter down. I repeat, firefighter down.” The only part of Buck he could see was his arm, poking out from beneath the rumble. He could just make out his tattoo, and it made Eddie want to sob. He could barely hear anyone else, but when his hearing did clue back in with the rest of the world, he could just make out Chimney’s voice asking who was hurt. By the tone, Eddie could tell it wasn’t the first time he’d asked.
“Eddie, who is it??” He shakily reached up to the radio, holding his breath before finally speaking up.
“It’s Buck.” The words ring through Chimney’s ears, and after a second of processing, he bolts towards the entrance. He can hear the other Captain yelling at him to come back, but this was Buck he was talking about. The Buck who told him just a few months ago that he signed a DNR. But all he could think about now was ‘Screw that DNR.’ There was no way he would let Buck die. Not today, not ever. After Eddie told him where they were, he sprinted to the back, watching out for the flames that were tryna eat him alive. Once he found them, he took in Eddie on the floor, holding onto the man that they were trying to rescue. Eddie looked like he wanted to throw the man aside and start digging for Buck in the pile of debris. But he didn’t because he knew he still had a duty.
“Cap, you need to get him out. I’ll get Buck.” Chimney wanted to argue, but he knew there was no time, so instead he just nodded.
“Okay, but Eddie listen to me. If there is even the slightest chance this building might collapse before I get back, you leave immediately okay? With or without Buck.” Chim speaks sternly. Eddie nods hesitantly. As much as he wants to save Buck, he still has a kid he needs to get home to. So with that, Chimney grabs the man from Eddie and helps carry him out. The second the man’s out of his hands, he starts digging for Buck. Screaming his name. Once enough of Buck’s hand is free, he checks his pulse. It’s weak but it’s there. Eddie lets out a sigh of relief before going back to work, throwing off any piece he could lift, not really caring where it was going. Soon enough, Eddie could make out Buck’s head. It looks like he tried to cover it before it fell which was good, but it also probably meant his hand was broken. Once Eddie could grip Buck’s waist, he worked on pulling him out. He ignored the ache in his back, the scrapes on his arms and hands from the rubble, and just worked on Buck. After a minute more cracks could be heard. Eddie looks up startled, cursing under his breath. He was so close, just one more pull and he’d be out. So without wasting any more time, worrying about his safety and definitely ignoring Chimney’s orders, he tugs one more time, falling back as Buck’s body was released from underneath. Eddie doesn’t have any time to celebrate before he’s picking Buck up, and throwing him over his shoulder. Usually he’d wait for a backboard in case of a spinal injury, but he couldn’t wait. He’d rather Buck be paralyzed than dead. He could hear the ceiling collapse behind them as he carried Buck out, running as fast as his aching legs could go to get to safety. If their life wasn’t at threat, and Buck was conscious, he’d probably make some stupid joke about how he’s seen this in an action movie once. Eddie ignores the soul crushing feeling in his gut and carries forward. He finally reaches the opening doors and breathes a sigh of relief, running impossibly faster through the doors, and just far enough away before the whole building comes crashing down. He drops Buck to the ground, and covers his head, as they're suddenly surrounded by smoke and dust.
Once the smoke clears he lifts his head up to see Chimney, Hen and Ravi quickly running towards them. They drop down beside them while Eddie checks Buck’s pulse again.
“I checked inside, it feels slower now though. Hurry get the back board!” Eddie yells before going into a coughing fit. Chim grips Eddie by the arms and pulls him away so Hen can work.
“Eddie, let me check you out.” Eddie goes to shake his head, but it does no good as he goes into another coughing fit. The rest goes by in a blur. He faintly hears Hen say something about broken ribs, but there’s no surprise there. There was also no surprise when she said something about internal bleeding, but that didn’t stop his heart from dropping once he heard the words. Eventually he had to pull himself away. He knew Buck was in good hands, so he took a step aside to take a breath. Eddie follows them to the hospital, his heart racing the entire way. The adrenaline hadn’t completely worn off so he was still buzzing. Once they arrived, they followed Buck for as long as they could before the doctor told them they had to wait in the waiting room. Chimney knew he didn’t have a choice. Even though he hated it, it was illegal not to inform the doctors. So just as they’re about to turn the corner, he calls out.
“Wait.” One of the nurses steps forward, asking for any information about Buck. Chimney knew he probably could have pulled her aside or something to tell her. If Buck woke up he’d probably be mad, but he’s not here, and Chimney is sick of keeping it a secret. So with one final glance at everyone, he sighs, giving in.
“He has a DNR.” Just like that everyone's world stopped. Suddenly there were no lights, no objects, no people, no nothing. Because it couldn’t be true right? This was Buck they were talking about. He would never do something like that. Except he did. If Buck’s heart stopped in surgery they wouldn’t be able to do anything, but let him die. How could they do that? How would Chimney tell his wife that her brother’s dead. How would Eddie tell Christopher he would never see Buck again. The person who’s been in his life longer than his own mother. How could Hen explain to her wife that she lost her brother. He may not be dead yet, but it’s a really big possibility that he could be soon.
Eddie didn’t know how he was suddenly in the waiting room, sitting on the uncomfortable chair. He doesn’t even remember moving his feet. Yet here he was. Waiting. Thinking. Breathing, but barely. It didn’t feel like he was, because how was he supposed to without Buck. How was he supposed to do anything without him? Looking back on these past few months, he realizes he probably could have spent more time with him. All those times Buck asked to hang out, but Eddie said no. If he could go back, he would say yes. He would say yes every time. But he can’t go back in time. He said no, every time. It haunts him now. He can only hope and pray that whoever’s in control up there won’t take Buck away from him. Because he’s nowhere near ready for that.
Maddie shows up an hour later, although it seems longer. She runs up to Chimney, wrapping her arms around him tight. Even from a few feet away, they could all see the tears in her eyes.
“What happened? All they said was "Evan got hurt.” Eddie wanted to answer. To tell her he was with him when it happened. Anything to comfort her, but he couldn’t form any words. They were too busy being caught in his throat to show any type of comfort to anyone. Luckily for him, Chimney stepped in.
“There was a fire. Buck went back in for Eddie, but there was still one more person left inside. By the time they found him and tried to leave, part of the building came down. I’m not too sure what happened in that time because I was outside, but once I got to them, Buck was already underneath the rubble. I grabbed the man while Eddie stayed back for Buck. We got him out in time before anything else fell, but there were definitely signs of internal bleeding. Some broken ribs, probably a concussion.” Maddie’s face gets increasingly more devastating, Eddie can’t even look at her. He feels bad, but he keeps thinking about what he could have done differently. He knows it’s not going to help. If anything it’s going to make it worse. But it was all he could think about. Well that and the DNR. He doesn’t know how his best friend signed a DNR, and he didn’t know about it. They tell each other everything, so the fact that he told no one other than Chimney, was concerning to say the least. Chimney hadn’t elaborated on it. He didn’t tell anyone why Buck did it, or when. He just said that Buck can talk to them about it if he wakes up. If. He remembers very clearly wincing at the word. He hates that there’s even an ‘if’. He hates that he didn’t react fast enough, and he hates that Buck pushed him out of the way before he even realized what was going on. Eddie focuses back into the conversation just in time to hear Chim tell Maddie about the DNR. Man, he wishes he wasn’t here for that.
“That’s not all.” Maddie waits for him to continue, holding her breath. A million things rang through her mind all in the short few seconds it took for Chimney to speak.
“Look, I’m sorry I didn’t tell you before this, he didn’t want anyone to know, and as his captain I wasn’t technically allowed because he did it because of work and-” Maddie cuts off his rambling, her voice, fierce.
“Howie! Just tell me.” Maddie exclaims. Chimney sighs, giving in.
“He has a DNR. He got it a couple months ago, and I wanted to tell you, all of you, but he made me promise not to. And because he did it through the LAFD, he had the right to ask me not to tell anyone. Maddie, I'm so sorry.” Maddie didn’t listen to the rest. She didn’t want to hear apologies, or explanations from anyone other than her brother. But she couldn’t help but wonder why he did it. If anything, she’d think he’d want to stay alive to make sure everyone else was too. It’s no secret that Buck had gotten overprotective of everyone since Bobby died, so to her, it didn’t make sense why he would do it. Maddie holds up her hand stopping Chimney’s rant.
“Why?” Maddie’s voice breaks off softly. She hasn’t been able to look anyone in the eyes, not that anyone can blame her.
“Why what?” Chim asks.
“Why did he do it? He must have told you why, so tell me.” Chimney hesitates. As much as he would love to tell her, he’s not allowed to.
“Maddie you know I can’t-” He doesn’t get to finish as Maddie’s glare breaks through his own eyes. Desperation clouded her eyes. Or maybe it was the tears, he didn’t know.
“I don’t care if it’s confidential Howie. He might not wake up, and I cannot lose another brother, so I need to know why he decided that he would rather do that to me again than just talk to me. Please.” Maddie cries. This all feels so familiar to her and she hates it.
“He said he doesn’t want to lose anyone else.” He finally breaks. Buck can be mad at him if he wants, but he can’t stand there and watch his wife fall apart, knowing he can do something to ease the pain a little bit.
“Or well, he said he didn’t want to be here to lose anyone else. It’s been almost a year since Bobby died and he still cries himself to sleep every night. No one’s there for him Maddie. While we all have wives and kids and family to go home to every night he doesn’t. He goes home alone and cries and then wakes up the next day to smile for everyone else because he thinks that’s what we all want. He said he can’t go through this again. If one of us died on a call he wouldn’t be able to survive. He’s barely surviving now, he can’t do this another 4 times.” By the time he’s done explaining Maddie is in shambles. She had no idea how alone her brother was. It was easy to forget when he had the 118, but outside of them he didn’t have anyone. No one that’s just his. As Maddie came to this realization, so did the rest of them. Hen’s heart broke for her friend. Looking back, she realizes it was obvious. How could she not see it? It was a similar thought in everyone else’s head as well. Eddie didn’t know he could feel so many emotions at once. It was hard to pinpoint what he was feeling. Anger? At himself or Buck? Or maybe both? Guilty? For not noticing it sooner? Or for the fact that Buck didn’t think he could talk to him about it? It was all too much. Buck’s been carrying all this weight for months, yet here he was about to break after 5 minutes. It really was just a testament to how strong he was.
“He told me too.” At first they didn’t realize who it was. That was, until he stood up. They all turned their heads towards Ravi, forgetting for a moment that he was there too. Which isn’t really surprising, they always forget about him. After they got over the shock of his presence, the words started to sink in. Buck told Ravi before he told any of them? But they’ve known him longer than Ravi, and they’re closer to Buck than Ravi is, so why? It was a question that none of them had the answers to unfortunately.
“What?” Eddie asks.
“He told me about it right after he did it. He said he wanted at least one person to know from the station just in case.” By the way they all turned towards Eddie, he could tell they were surprised Buck went to Ravi instead of him. He was also wondering the same thing.
“I’m his best friend, why didn’t he just call me? He knows I would have been there.” Eddie questions. It wasn’t accusatory. Mainly just confused. They all were. Buck and Eddie have been attached to the hip since day one. Even if they started out a little rocky.
“He did call you. He asked you to come over because he wanted to talk about something, but he said you told him you were busy. He didn’t want to be a burden so he didn’t push.” Well if that didn’t go straight to Eddie’s heart. He knows he’s been kinda busy lately. With picking up extra shifts at work to keep his mind busy, and Chris, and he’s also been hanging out Hen, as they’ve gotten closer since they became partners, but he didn’t realize just how far they drifted apart. Now that he thinks of it, he doesn’t remember the last time they hung out, outside of work just the two of them. It just makes the pain in his heart a little more painful.
“Oh.” He knows it’s pathetic, but it’s all he could come up with.
“Yeah. He told me he didn’t know if he would make it. Without Bobby. He said he only has this family because of him, and for the first time in his life, he was the one who had to walk away from someone. He feels like he let him down. Like Buck somehow owed Bobby something for giving him this life, but then he died. And Buck felt like a failure. He said this has been the worst pain he’s ever been through and that he didn’t want to have to go through it again next time someone died. He was so paranoid about it. He’d have panic attacks at the thought of anyone else dying, so he thought the only way for it to get better was to get a DNR. He knows it’s still possible for one of you guys to die before then, but the chances weren’t as high considering how much he gets hurt on the job. He didn’t want any of you to know that, but now he might not wake up, so I figured you guys should know.” No one said anything after that. There wasn’t anything to say. Nothing that would make it better. So they stayed silent, out loud anyway. In their heads were the loudest they’d ever been. How were they supposed to fix something like this? If by some miracle Buck did wake up, how were they going to convince him to change his mind. To withdraw the DNR. They all knew how stubborn Buck could be, they didn’t think he’d ever change his mind.
The next few days are rough. The doctors told them that they had to put him in an induced coma to give his body a chance to heal. The next week would be crucial, but there was nothing they could do about it, so they went home. They all visited when they could, but it wasn’t nearly enough for any of their likings. It was hard to explain to Chris that Buck was hurt yet again. It feels like they have this conversation every year. In the same place, on the same couch, and it doesn’t get any easier. How was he supposed to explain internal bleeding to a 15 year old? That he should have hopes, yet not to get his hopes up just in case. It didn’t make sense for the 15 year old, but he decided to stay positive about it anyways. His logic was that he’s beaten the odds plenty of times before. Like the time he actually died. Eddie didn’t have it in him to tell Chris about the DNR. He didn’t know how to explain it in a way that wouldn’t hurt him. So he decided that if Buck woke up, he could tell him if he wanted. And if he didn’t, well there wasn’t any need to make it any harder for him.
It wasn’t until the 4th day that Eddie got a call from the hospital telling him that they were going to ease him off of sedation. It would be a while for it to come into effect but they told him he was welcome to come visit just in case. Buck had been healing well. His concussion was getting better, and everything seemed to be healing normally. Eddie didn’t want to overwhelm him if he did wake up, so he decided to just bring Maddie. He thinks she would kill him if he didn’t so it wasn’t really much of an option.
He didn’t wake up.
The doctors didn’t have any answers for them, but they waited and waited, and nothing happened. His vitals are stable, he didn’t seem to be in immediate danger anymore, but still, he didn’t wake up. All the doctors could tell them was that he might not want to. They’ve done everything right medically, so the rest was up to him.
It’s been a week since the accident. Nothing changed. He still laid peacefully in the hospital bed. They thought he was going to wake up yesterday. His hand kept twitching, but the doctor said that was normal with patients in his condition. He had broken 10 bones in his left hand, so it was likely just reflexes. But still, they waited for him to wake up. To open his eyes and prove the doctors wrong.
He didn’t wake up yesterday.
Eddie was starting to get impatient. They all were. It was exhausting. But they still visited him everyday, just with a little less hope.
2 weeks. That’s how long it took Buck to wake up. It was only briefly, but it was better than nothing. Ravi had been with him when it happened. Reading him a book that he knew Buck had no interest in. He figured he could torture Buck into waking up with a boring book. Although Eddie disagreed, Ravi would say it worked pretty well.
The day he woke up for good, was a Wednesday. It was early morning and Athena had stopped by before her shift, wanting to see the boy. She sat down beside the bed and gently placed her hand on his shoulder, smiling softly. Unfortunately it was the most at peace she’d seen him in months.
“You need to wake up.” She whispered.
“I know, you don’t want to have to live through everyone else’s death, but do you really think we want to live through yours? This isn’t going to change anything. And you haven’t let him down. He would be so proud of you. I know he would. We still need you here, so wake up.” She remembers telling him the same thing when he got struck by lightning. The memory as clear as day even through the storm. She stared, tracing his face with her eyes, waiting, hoping, his blue eyes would come to life. They never did though. He laid there unmoving. The light beat of the heart monitor was the only thing that could be heard. Eventually she sighed. If she didn’t leave now, she’d be late for work.
“I’ll see you tomorrow Evan Buckley.” With that, she turns on her heels, preparing to leave him behind another day. But a soft voice stopped her movements.
“Bobby?” Athena freezes in her tracks. Almost side tracking the words, she turns back around and walks towards the bed. His eyes are still closed, but his head was moving back and forth, his breathing was picking up, as Athena laid a gentle hand on his shoulder.
“Buck? Buck honey, wake up. Wake up.” In a flash, Buck’s eyes shoot open, Bobby’s name on his lips. He looks around frantically, trying to recognize his surroundings. After a few minutes of Athena’s calming voice, he finally settles down. Athena called the doctor shortly after.
Eddie just got back from a 24 hour shift when he got the call. He was ready to pass out before picking up Chris on the way to visit Buck. But once he got the call, the tiredness washes away, replaced with adrenaline. He didn’t think before grabbing his keys, and running out of the house barefoot. On the way he sent a message to the group chat to tell them the news.
Buck was awake. He was finally awake.
Maddie arrived shortly after Eddie, then followed everyone else. They all sat in the waiting room along with Athena, who they were surprised to see once they got there. She informed them that she was with him when he woke up. She saw the broken looks on their faces when she told them he was calling for Bobby. After they checked him over he was allowed to have visitors. They went in one at a time so as to not overwhelm him. Eddie let everyone else go first much to their surprise. He wanted to see Buck. It’s been over 2 weeks since he last saw his baby blue eyes, but he couldn’t bring himself to face him. Not yet. So he watched everyone else come and go, each one leaving with tears, until finally it was his turn. He shakily raises his hand to the door knob, taking a deep breath before opening it. Once they locked eyes, Eddie held his breath. He was also pretty sure that Buck was doing the same. By the look in his eyes, Eddie knew he had been told they knew about the DNR. Buck looked…. Scared. Nervous almost. But pushing back the anger he felt when he first learned about it, he took careful steps forward, almost hovering over the bed.
“Eddie I’m so sorry-”
“Buck, I’m sorry I-” They spoke at the same time. And just like that, the ice was broken. For a moment they could forget where they were. Just catching up on what Buck missed the last 2 weeks. But eventually they had to talk about it.
“Look, I know you don’t want to talk about the DNR, but we should.” Eddie was the first one to break. Buck sighs, fiddling with the cast with his non broken hand.
“I know.” His voice was soft, and Eddie almost didn’t want to ruin it, but he knew he had to.
“Look, Chim explained why you did it, and Ravi too a little bit so I understand why you would want to do it, and even why you didn’t want to tell us, but that’s not going to solve anything-”
“Eddie-” Buck holds his hand up, trying to stop Eddie’s rambling, but he just keeps talking.
“No, just listen for a sec. I get how you feel, but did you ever think how that would affect the rest of us? What if you died Buck, and this is how we found out? Do you really think we wouldn’t care that much if you died? Because we do, and I’m sorry if we made you feel like we wouldn’t care-”
“Eddie-”
“But you can’t keep this DNR Buck okay? You can’t. You are too important, and we need you here. And with how much you get hurt on the job you’ll probably be right back here in a few months, and what if we can’t save you that time? Huh? What if your heart stops and we can’t bring it back because of some stupid piece of paper. That would drive me up the wall.”
“Eddie, just let me expla-”
“So Buck, please would you just withdraw it, because I can’t do this stress another time-” Before he can say anymore, Buck reaches over to grab the water from his bedside table, not even thinking twice before throwing it in Eddie’s face. He jumps back in surprise, looking up at Buck in confusion.
“Buck, what the fuck.” Eddie curses, ringing his hands out like it would magically dry.
“Will you let me talk now?” Eddie sighs before throwing his hands up, gesturing to Buck to speak.
“I already told the doctor I wanted to withdraw it.” Eddie thinks there must be too much water in his ears, and he didn’t hear it right, because there’s no way it was that easy.
“Come again?” Buck snorts, suddenly feeling tired. Apparently leaning over to throw the cup of water at Eddie was too much exercise for him.
“I’m sorry I put you through all of that. I just realized that it was stupid. Because if I die, then who will look after you guys and make sure you don’t get yourselves killed.” Buck leans back to get comfortable, feeling stupid for wanting to sleep, when he’s been asleep for 2 weeks straight.
“What made you figure that out?” By now, Eddie is sitting next to Buck again. Trying to keep his hand from reaching out and grabbing Buck. Like if he doesn't, Buck will blink out of existence. Eddie knows it’s stupid, so he keeps his hand on his lap.
“Bobby.” Buck speaks softly, his eyes already closing.
“I had a dream. Or another coma, or whatever the hell it was. But I saw Bobby. We talked and he made me realize that you guys still need me, even if I don’t think so. That if I didn’t want to lose anyone else, I had to do something about it. I can’t protect you guys if I’m dead.” Eddie takes a moment to think, but before he can get a proper response out, Buck is already passed out.
“Night Buck.”
The next time Buck wakes up, everyone is in the room. He didn’t know how long he’d been asleep but he was much welcomed when he woke up. They ordered dinner, (Maddie helping Buck with his food) and sat around the bed just talking. Laughing, and sharing stories. Just like the good old times.
And for the first time since they lost their captain, they felt like a family again. They were a family.