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It's Not a Date If Nobody Dies by swamplandvampire
Fandoms: The Vampire Diaries & Related Fandoms
28 Jan 2026
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Summary
Kai Parker is a siphoner witch who murdered his entire coven and feels absolutely no remorse about it.
Kol Mikaelson is a thousand-year-old Original vampire who treats violence like performance art.
Emmy is... something. Fae-touched? Part fae? Cursed by fairies? Blessed? She gives different answers every time and none of them make sense, but what's certain is this: she walked into active torture, hopped onto a table, pulled out a juice box, and asked politely if they'd continue so she could watch.
They kept her.
Kai and Kol are bloodthirsty killers who've found their perfect audience in a girl who rates their technique, offers constructive feedback, and thinks blood makes excellent lipstick. Emmy is their cheerleader, their tiny blonde menace in pink bows who encourages their worst impulses.
Their relationship runs on banter that bleeds into threats, threats that bleed into foreplay, and foreplay that gets interrupted by body disposal.
It's obsessive, possessive, and definitely codependent. It's also the first time any of them have found people who don't ask them to be better.