Work Text:
It felt like he was underwater. The parking lot around him, lit with dim blue light, the rapidly cooling car. He'd driven too fast. Unsafe.
It wasn't like him.
Buttoned up. Safe. Boring.
A sigh cut the still air. Underneath all of that, the part of him that never quite made the media cut, wanted too much. Desperate and heavy on his tongue, to say something to Rozanov. To admit something he couldn't quite articulate even to himself yet.
Something he couldn't feel.
His phone buzzed. He was halfway to silencing it, when he caught the name. Hayden Pike.
He'd expected Lily, somehow. This was grounding, more reasonable. Hayden was a friend, not just the careful friendliness of teammates of the rest of the Metros. Someone who knew just a little too much, for being his roommate on every away game.
He swiped open the notification. We're at Dan's, could use a pool partner. Know you're busy, but if you want to join invitation is open. There was a pin attached to the message. A bar maybe walking distance from the hotel, if athletes were involved.
The smart thing to do would be to refuse. He didn't drink. His diet made every bar food out of the question. He was painfully bad at pool.
Yet he felt a bone deep kind of cold, like a wind cut right through all his layers. It was so lonely in some ways. Rozanov was his secret and sometimes that felt so hot it burned him, and other times he was here. In parking lots and hotel lobbies and other in-between places. Trying to get to Rozanov, trying to slip away. Never staying the night. Freezing out.
He wondered if Rozanov felt the same.
Twenty minute walk. Enough to get his head back together.
It was cold outside. Not quite as intense as it would be back in Montreal, but cold enough for him to pick up the pace. It was better than the ache of the heat whenever the league took him further south than Boston. It always felt like a shock to step from the searing outside to the familiar cold of the stadium.
Out here, he could think. Rationalize. Go back over the memories from earlier like a river wearing over a stone, shaping it into something less painful. The names - it felt intimate to him. He didn't know if it felt intimate to Rozanov. The sex had changed. He knew that. He wasn't blind, but he was lacking in comparison, and he couldn't ask Rozanov. If he was wrong, if the feelings weren't there. Or if they were. Neither answer was good, so he couldn't ask.
Storming out wasn't the right reaction. He just couldn't be in that house anymore.
Could he keep doing this? Sneaking around? Lying? It wasn't him. He didn't think he would do it with anyone but Rozanov. Fuck. What was he doing?
He was so lost in his thoughts, it was only the buzz of his phone, cheerfully telling him he'd arrived at his destination that he stopped. It looked like a very typical sports bar.
Inside, it was a familiar cocktail of smells and sights. He scanned the room, and spotted a promising alcove where he could just see the pool tables. There were two, but he could spot Hayden and Drapeau at the furthest one.
They hadn't spotted him yet. It wasn't as loud as a club in here, but there was a rerun on the TV and the jukebox was making a valiant effort to play some top ten pop hit loud enough to be heard, along with the chatter of a dozen or so conversations. It took some effort to navigate.
Drapeau spotted him first, offering a little wave and elbowing Hayden. He'd been considering the state of the game, but he looked up and visibly brightened as Shane approached.
The goalie clapped a hand on Hayden's shoulder, "Looks like you were wrong, Pike. I will go and track down Koch. Think he is sneaking a cigarette."
He nodded at Shane as he walked away, leaving Hayden and him alone.
"Figured you'd be busy, with uh, Boston." Hayden made a vague gesture, "But you know Drapeau."
Pushy. A little weird in the way all goalies were, especially at the professional level.
"I'm not busy now. Figured I'd come out and see the guys. Have you been out for long?"
Just by looking at him, Shane would guess not. Hayden still looked pretty sober, nursing a beer. He didn't always stay sober, on these nights he was so far from home. Missing his family.
"Went and got dinner with some of the guys. JJ, Wilson, Drapeau, and Koch. Wilson's got a girlfriend. Serious girlfriend." Hayden leaned in, lowering his voice. In a place like this, it was unlikely that anyone around them was listening in, but never impossible.
"Wilson? Really?" Wilson was one of the unmarried players. He didn't play into locker room talk at all, and never asked to add anyone into the WAG chat that Jackie ran.
"He got her pregnant. Twins. They're going to make it work. She's a teacher apparently, name's Samantha." Hayden sighed, "He was asking me about twins. He's, y'know, terrified."
"Jackie is going to invite her over? Link her in with Marcel?"
He hummed, "Yeah, I'm going to talk to her tomorrow. I didn't want to wake her up, if she's managing to get some sleep. With Arthur, you know."
For a moment, Shane didn't quite understand, then it clicked, "Oh yeah. The colic is still bad?"
"The worst any of the kids have had it. I wish I was home. Though Jackie is still," Hayden made a gesture, frustration clear, "She thinks it's all her job and I can only try to help so much before I'm just pissing her off."
Shane nodded slowly, considering. Now that he looked, Hayden did look more exhausted than usual. "I can swing by Monday. Take the rest of the kids out. There's some zoo thing in the evenings, light show. Give you two some time to sort out things."
Hayden hesitated, as if considering a refusal, but then sighed, "I would appreciate it, man. It's been hard. I can buy the tickets, if you send me the website."
Shane waved him off. "It's no problem. A fun day with Uncle Shane."
"Uncle Shane." Hayden laughed. "But I really am sorry. I didn't mean to dump all of that on you."
"It really is no problem. It'll be nice, to get my mind off things." Careless in his reassurance, he wants to immediately stuff the words back in.
"Yeah, I don't want to push, but you're usually with your Boston girl - Lily?"
Shane sighed. Exactly the topic he wanted to avoid. "It's complicated."
He snorted, but he still looked sympathetic, "Yeah, man, I figured. You don't talk about her."
Without thinking, he flinched. It just was such a gut punch. He wanted to talk to someone about Ilya. It was surprising in how much he wanted to talk to someone about this. This whole fucking mess. Here he was talking to Hayden about his personal life, his family, and Hayden didn't know anything about that side of his life. Nobody knew.
Hayden's phone buzzed. He checked the notification, probably worried it was Jackie, and laughed.
"Drapeau got an invitation to some thing with some of his actor friends. Says we can join though." He paused, swiping through some texts. "And Koch went to the hotel already. Told him he shouldn't have had that dessert. It was dairy free, y'know?"
Shane paused, considering. "I didn't bring my rental."
"You walked?" He asked, rhetorical, "It could be fun. Get some drinks, talk about whatever. Get our minds off things. Well, I'll get some drinks."
Hayden laughed. It was well known Shane didn't drink, after all.
His resolve firmed. "We can go. Have some drinks."
//
Drapeau was pretty good friends with many people. It was the kind of thing anyone on the team just got used to. If anyone needed anything, Drapeau had a guy.
Shane still didn't expect his actor friends to be half of the X movies' cast. The introductions were a little awkward, but they were personable, just as well media trained as Shane. It was a nice, understandable script to their conversations, aided by the plentiful alcohol that seemed to be everywhere.
It was only getting a little overwhelming, when he made an offhand comment about dinner. Admitting he'd not yet had dinner put him firmly in the unstoppable force of Hayden Pike in dad mode.
So he was now secured in a booth, an order of some fish dish that looked like it might fit his diet on the way. They were both a little to the wind by this point.
"I could swear that was Rose Landry."
Shane snorted. "I think those beers are getting to you. No way Drapeau knows the Rose Landry."
"You're a fan?"
Shane blushed, "Isn't everyone? She's a great actress. Famous."
"Always the flower names with you." Hayden mumbled, half to the table than to Shane.
A waiter dropped by their order, dropping fries in front of Hayden and the salmon in front of Shane. Both of them got a water. Shane mumbled his thanks.
There was a long moment of silence. He started eating.
"I didn't mean anything by it." Hayden said, looking a little to Shane's left and shoving a fry drenched in mayo in his mouth.
"The name isn't Lily." Shane really couldn't tell why he admitted that. The alcohol maybe. He was really a lightweight.
Hayden leaned toward, surprise quickly tucked away. "You're actually going to talk about this?"
Shane shoved a bite in his mouth. Chewed, slow. It tasted good, but he was pretty sure the sodium content had to be higher than his usual meals. Restaurant meals were like that. He'd have to correct for the rest of the week. Not to mention the alcohol.
Was he going to talk? Not give away Ilya, that was a step too far, but something. Talk about the situation.
And yet, "Not here. There's too many..." He gestured. The place was crowded. They'd been very lucky to find a recently emptied booth.
"Huh. That bad?"
Shane shrugged. Bad by what definition, really. He probably should've ate before he drank, given the way the alcohol seemed to be reducing his decision making abilities by the minute.
"I'll call a ride. Back to the hotel." Technically, as veterans and their positions, they really didn't need to share a room. But it had never changed since their rookie year.
He finished most of the salmon. Hayden similarly gave up on the fries, but settled the bill. They said their goodbyes to Drapeau, who waved them off with a laugh.
Neither of them were completely drunk, but they were both the sort of sloppy that they didn't usually get to. The sort that promised a hangover tomorrow. They stumbled a bit into the hotel, Hayden to the desk chair and Shane into the bed. There was some time of amiable silence before Shane rolled over. As he'd thought, Hayden was staring at him, though he looked away right away.
His face looked a little red.
Shane started, "I can't introduce you to Lily. Or tell you anything about that."
"Yeah, but why?" Shane didn't know how to answer, but Hayden didn't wait for him to reply, "You have to know I would never tell anyone. Well, Jackie would probably find out, but neither of us would ever say anything."
It was true. It was very true. But the issue wasn't Hayden's reliability.
"It would ruin both our lives. I can't make that choice for us."
"Ruin? Is she like married? Is that why there's the fake name?"
Shaking his head, he considered the question. Turned it over. It made sense that that would be Hayden's assumption. He was married. It would make sense to him that it would be the barrier.
"Is that what you thought?"
"Well, you're a pretty straightforward guy, Shane. There has to be something for you to have not.."
Shane interrupted, "But you were still friends with me? Even when you assumed that was going on?"
"You're my best friend, man. We've been through everything together. I know that you're a good man, and y'know... Marriage can be complicated. It's a whole different world and a lot of people make assumptions about what a marriage should be. Even the people in the marriage." Hayden sighed, rubbing hard at his eyes for a minute, before looking back at Shane, "I don't think you've ever really tried to hurt someone, so I think if that was the situation, there would an explanation."
There was a sense of relief. It made no sense, really, but understanding that Hayden wouldn't jump to the worst assumption, that he would wait and ask.
The words fell out of him, "Lily is a guy. I guess, it's, um. I'm gay. So no one can know."
There was a long moment of silence. Shane couldn't lift his eyes from the hotel duvet. His stomach was twisting in the kind of way that made him feel like he needed to be next to a toilet. He couldn't believe he actually said it.
"Oh, man. No wonder you didn't want to say anything." Hayden laughed, though it didn't really have any mocking in it. Just a disbelief. "Geez, I've really been putting my foot in it trying to get you dates. I'm sorry."
Looking up, he could tell that Hayden was still a little surprised, eyes a bit wide, but he looked relaxed. A little apologetic.
"You're okay with it?"
"I mean, no offense, but it's kind of a relief. I mean, we were also worried you were in real trouble with a secret relationship. You were so closed up about it. But it makes sense if it was a guy, with the whole hockey thing."
"It's not a relationship." Shane corrected.
"Really? But it's been like years, dude."
Shane side eyed him. "It wouldn't work out. We couldn't be together in public for years. Maybe until retirement."
"That's sad as hell. Is that why you were here tonight?"
"I don't know. I don't know if he even wants that. A serious relationship. I don't know how I feel, I don't have anything to compare this with. I've never... Not with any other guy."
"Just Lily?"
"Yeah. Just Lily. Some girls but it's never been something serious."
There was a moment of serious silence.
Somehow, having spoken about the subject, it cut loose any of his fears, "He called me by my first name tonight. It felt... Too serious. So I left."
"Huh, is he a hockey guy too?" Hayden speculated, then before Shane could sputter out a denial, waved him off. "Yeah, secret. I get it. It's like the last name thing though. It would make sense, he couldn't out you without outing himself. You're being safe, right? No pictures?"
He sounded entirely too much like Shane's own dad, in that awkward conversation they'd had when Shane had his first girlfriend.
"I wouldn't. Hockey is everything."
Hayden laughed, "Yeah, well, that's the captain I know. I suppose trying with someone else would be out of the picture."
"It would be risky. If the league found out or my parents-"
"Wait, wait, you're telling me Yuna Hollander doesn't know?" Hayden's jaw dropped. A second thought hit him, and he leaned forward, "Shit, man, have you told anyone else about this?"
Shane shook his head, unable to verbalize that he'd been lying to everyone in his life. For six years. He couldn't maintain eye contact. He could hear Hayden get up and then he was there, beside him, pulling him into a hug.
Shane Hollander did not like hugs.
It always felt invasive. Too much sensation.
But right now, the pressure broke something loose in him. He could feel the breath go out of him like he'd been slammed into the boards. It was such an acute relief to not be alone, he felt dizzy with it.
"Okay?"
Shane nodded into his shoulder. He didn't let go until the room was solid again, no longer spinning. His face felt wet, afterwards, and he grabbed some tissues from the side table.
Still sitting beside him, thighs pressed together for all they were hugging, Hayden asked, "Right, wow. Can I ask, I mean, I know it's been a while with Lily. But how long?"
"2010."
He whistled, "Wow."
There was a stilted silence.
"That was before I even met Jackie." Hayden mused, "It was like 2011 for us."
"I remember. I was there, Hayd."
Red creeped into Hayden's face. "Right. We were a little obvious."
"Is that what we call making out on the dance floor?"
"Okay, okay. Very obvious." He laughed, rubbing his neck. "I just wish you could've told me. It hurts, I guess. That you couldn't."
"I understand that. I didn't, it was never easy. I had to keep that whole part of my life so separate."
"No wonder you were so defensive. Jackie had all sorts of theories too." Hayden paused, taking a deep breath. "I know this is your secret, but I've never been able to keep anything from her. She knows more about me than I know about myself most of the time, y'know?"
"Right." Shane replied, automatic. He didn't like the thought of the information spreading, but Jackie was well, a very safe option. "That's fine."
"Jackie's good. She knows how to keep a secret." Hayden winked.
He mimed gagging.
With an offended noise, Hayden immediately struck back, "What, I didn't even mean it that way. Perv."
It wasn't even that funny, but they both laughed.
"Have you thought of telling your parents? I mean they seem like super chill. Well, Mrs Hollander is pretty intense but..."
"I just... Don't want to disappoint them. I mean, Hayd, it's all been for this. The career in the MLH. Ever since they realized I was good on the ice at like nine, it all got pretty intense." Shane sighed, looking down at his hands, "Mom quit her job when I made juniors at sixteen, started managing everything and my dad worked out making his position more flexible. They made sacrifices to get me here and I've... This secret could ruin everything."
He glanced at Hayden. His usual lighthearted facade was weighted by the conversation, a tight frown on his face.
"That's a lot of pressure."
It really was. It felt selfish to think about it, though. After all, he'd been obsessed with hockey his whole life. It was entirely clear from the beginning. His parents made their choices to help him achieve his dreams, and he couldn't blame them for that. Even as it felt like he was increasingly put on a pedestal he couldn't bear to break.
"It is."
"It sounds like they made those sacrifices to make you happy though." Hayden suggested, quiet.
That struck him, because even though it had been years, he could remember a conversation between his parents. They'd been worried about the cost of some hockey camp, and it had turned into a hushed argument in the kitchen. He remembered walking back to his room, and overhearing part of it, his mom's worried voice talking numbers, and his dad simply saying that it made him happy. His mom sighed, and said they'd work it out.
He'd went to sleep with a lump of guilt. His mom suggested the commercial opportunities soon after that, and he'd been relieved to have some ability to lessen the burden.
But his parents never meant to guilt him. They did their very best to keep their struggles away from him, to give him everything he needed without a word of complaint. Shane wasn't blind, though, not to the struggles of funding his early hockey years.
They used to ask him about his dates, the girlfriends that never lasted long. Shane stopped dating once he joined the MLH - partially due to time constraints, and mostly due to the storm that was Ilya Rozanov.
But they had no idea about that. He'd once talked pretty openly with his parents, complained about practices, and sighed about his struggles to make friends. Gradually, he'd drawn back from doing that. It didn't feel right.
He'd shut them out.
His eyes were burning. The realization felt like a lightning strike. Regret for his own choices bitter and sharp in his throat.
"I didn't mean... I think I need to talk to them."
Hayden patted his shoulder, reassuring. "That sounds like a good idea. You could invite them up? We have some free time this week."
True. The season aligned well enough that there was a break in games and extra practices hadn't been added. Boston was always a tough game.
"I'll look at the calendar." Shane said, already grabbing his phone to swipe into his mom's shared calendar. She had an open day on Thursday. He made a note of it.
After that rush of emotion drained, he felt the weight of the night collapse on him. It felt like years had passed, but he felt so much better than he had in that parking lot.
The gratitude sat awkward with him, as he tried to figure out how to even say how he felt. "Hayd..."
"Yeah?"
"I, it means a lot to me. I don't, I've had a lot of worst case scenarios. In my head. This was the opposite." Hayden started to respond, but Shane put a hand on his shoulder, quieting him down again, "Really. I appreciate it."
There was a companionable silence.
"Well now you're definitely stuck as Uncle Shane." Hayden said with a suspicious thickness to his voice, "That was touching, dude."
Shane laughed. "I think we're both wasted. My mouth is starting to taste awful."
"Maybe you're wasted. I'm not a lightweight, Hollander."
"Sure. Three beers for you tonight, and you're hugging me in bed?"
Hayden turned red, but quickly countered, "There were outside factors. I'm taking the shower first, and using all the hot water."
Shane snorted as Hayden grabbed his bag and went to the bathroom, offering a casual flip off as he closed the door.
He laid back on the bed. The room was spinning a little. Relief, the alcohol, some combination. He wasn't alone.