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The lights were beautiful, a castle and various holiday shaped giant statues. Shane just wished that everyone else hadn't had the exact same idea of bringing their kids to this event. Though, he supposed that was hypocritical.
They weren't his kids, though. Ruby and Jade were thrilled to go out without their little brother, who they both declared was a massive crybaby. This was an unforgivable crime in the twins' eyes.
It made Shane glad he'd been a single child.
They were also full of energy, not helped by the free hot chocolate he'd not been able to refuse them. Jackie warned him, while warming a bottle for Arthur, that she'd not been able to get them out much. So Shane guided them directly to the packed skate rink and let them race each other while he made slow loops on the ice.
Calming enough, if he didn't keep almost running into kids that had zero consciousness of the rules of the ice. He sighed, reaching down to help another boy to his feet. He spit out an excited thanks, and nearly rammed one of the twins.
Fuck. He really didn't want to take a Pike to the emergency clinic.
Three more rounds of the ice, and the girls seemed to have tired out. He looped closer to them.
"Ready for some food?"
There was a quick agreement. He got them both off the ice uninjured, by some miracle, but quickly realized while Jade had tied her laces in a perfect bow, Ruby had used several tight knots. It took ten minutes to work out, while he glared down by the parents waiting in line for someone to leave.
Shane mentally commiserated with Hayden. He would never say as much, but Ruby did seem to get herself into a lot more trouble than her twin.
The food place was crowded, but less so than when they'd passed by earlier. He took both the girls' hands to make sure they didn't get lost, and ordered chicken tenders and fries for everyone, along with apple juices. A food he knew all the kids would eat. After securing the food, he went outside to find a table, making the two hold hands so they formed a sort of family chain.
"It's cold, Uncle Shane. Can't we eat inside?" Ruby petitioned.
Absolutely not. Shane had been bumped into by no less than ten people while simply in line.
"I have your beanie and scarf, if you need it. There's no open tables inside."
Ruby folded her arms, and glared at him. She looked exactly like Jackie, when she did that. "You didn't check."
"I don't want to eat inside, Uncle Shane." Jade said, and stuck her tongue out at Ruby. She still had her beanie.
"Fine. But I want your barbecue." Ruby turned to him, holding out her hand imperiously.
Shane held back a laugh, and relinquished the sauce. He'd gotten grilled tenders and he'd not really planned to use the sauce, just replied automatically when the tired cashier had asked him what sauces he wanted.
The food was greasy and nothing like he would usually eat, but all too aware of the two nosy girls with him, he forced it down. Hopefully it wouldn't make him sick later.
"Mom says to finish your food." Jade muttered. Shane looked up, but the comment wasn't directed at him. Ruby was picking at her fries, and had frankly shredded enough of them where it looked like she was trying to make hash browns. It was an impressive show of a lack of appetite from a girl who regularly attempted to steal her sister's food, according to Hayden.
"Mom isn't here."
"I'll tell her. You're supposed to be good. For Uncle Shane." Jade told her, seriously.
"I'm just not hungry." Ruby took her hands off the fries anyway, but gave Jade a nasty side eye. "You don't need to be such a snitch. Mom is always tired anyway, you should leave her alone."
Jade looked down at the table, at her empty plate. She sounded sad when she said, "I don't wanna leave her alone."
Ruby snickered, "You're such a baby."
"Hey, hey. Your mom just has a big responsibility right now. I'm sure she wants to spend more time with you two." Shane tried to reassure.
"No. Mom wants dad home more. She cries when he's not there and then they fight when he's home." Jade bluntly stated. "And that's just when the baby isn't crying. He cries all the time."
She said the last part in a confiding tone.
"They don't fight." Ruby refuted. Her eyes looked suspiciously shiny.
"Yeah they do. You're just always up to trouble, so you don't notice anything but yourself." Jade spat at her.
Shane felt way over his head. Especially when Ruby burst immediately into tears. Not the usual tears of a slip and fall, but great heaving sobs.
"You can't say that." Ruby mumbled out between the tears. "Mom and dad love each other."
Jade's face dropped, her anger fading, and she scooted over to try to hug Ruby. Ruby shoved her off, but Jade was already shiny eyed. "I'm sorry, I didn't mean it. Don't be mad."
Well, Shane could see an opening. He rounded the table and took them both in a hug - Hayden style with a girl on both sides. They were both making a mess on his coat, but he ignored that, "It's okay, you two are okay. Hey, you were just upset. It's been a long day, yeah?"
Ruby nodded against him, while Jade muttered something that sounded like agreement.
"Your mom and dad do love each other." This, Shane was sure of. Hayden and Jackie were two parts of the same whole, since the moment they met. He would know, he was there. But to explain it to two very distraught little girls was a more complicated thing, "It's just hard for your mom, with your dad away for hockey so often. They also get upset after a long day, okay? I'm sure they don't mean it either."
"I don't want Dad to play hockey anymore. He can play with us, at home." Jade sniffled.
Ruby just nodded again.
He set them both back down and kneeled down to their level. "I promise, he wants to be home with you guys everyday. Hockey is your dad's dream, though, and it won't be forever. He's doing all this so that one day, he can spend everyday with you guys."
"Do you promise?" Ruby asked, suspicious.
Shane laughed, but offered his pinky fingers both the girls. They both took it, and he promised.
"I think we're done with dinner. Let's clean up, and we can look at the lights before we get you guys home. Does that sound okay?"
"I want to keep my apple juice. I'm not done with it." Jade said, seriously.
Shane let her keep it. She didn't finish it, and he ended up having to pry it out of her hand in the car. He'd learned his lesson with toddlers and juice during the museum visit with Hayden. He texted the couple he was on his way back.
The girls were not happy to be woken back up once they were home, but he managed to hustle them back inside. It had worked out to about six hours, with the commute and event, so it was dark outside and probably closer to the girls bedtime then he should've cut it.
"Wow, you wore them out. Need help with the car seats?" Jackie offered, "Dad can get them to bed."
Hayden, indeed, had picked up the two tired girls the moment they stumbled inside. They looked thrilled to see him, and it had set off some sleepy chatter.
"Yeah, I would. Hayden helped me earlier but there's so many parts."
Jackie laughed. "It takes some getting used to. Thanks for taking them, they seemed like they had a great time."
"Yeah, there was an ice rink." Shane paused, guilty, "There may have been hot chocolate but I think we burned off all that energy."
"I haven't seen them that tired in months, Shane, it's really no problem, both of them got Hayden's milk drinking genes. Lucky girls." Jackie looked briefly envious.
Shane tucked away that information. Jackie did help him, but he was getting better at it. Let it not be known that hockey players couldn't recognize patterns.
Jackie started carrying them to the house. "Hey, I can help put them out in the SUV. It seems like a pain to do it alone."
"You're not wrong. You don't have to, though, I'm sure you're tired."
"It's no problem. I wouldn't offer, if it was." Shane explained, then on a more cheerful note, "Besides, more practice."
This time, he did get through getting them back in place by himself, though it was tricky with Arthur's seat in the middle.
Jackie clapped. "Really living up to the Uncle Shane title. Thanks. Do you want a to go ginger ale?"
Shane hesitated, but nodded. It felt a little awkward to talk to Jackie when she didn't know what the girls said to him, but it wasn't like he could avoid her forever. Or that he wanted to.
They trooped through the garage into the house. There was a frankly ear piercing wail, and Shane flinched.
"That would be Arthur. Give me a minute." Jackie vanished before he could manage a goodbye. He flicked on the lights in the kitchen, and sat at the island.
He should ask about where they'd gotten their stools. They were comfortable, much better than his apartment's. The interior designer had made the place nice, sure, but comfort was a last priority. It was very different in a family home.
The fridge was covered in a mix of kid drawings and family photos, with a school calendar pinned out of the reach of small hands. There were also a lot of photos of Hayden, with the cup, with the team, and even with Shane. Only the holidays had Hayden in the family pictures.
It wasn't that Shane had never thought of Hayden's family, but he never considered the absence and how it feel to the kids. To Jackie. Hockey players got the summer, depending on events outside the normal season, but they spent most of the year away. But it wasn't like he lied to the girls. Most hockey players retired early thirties. Sometimes even late twenties.
Hayden and Shane were twenty-five. On average, they had seven more years of professional hockey in them. The girls would be eleven or twelve. To them though, that was literally their whole life away.
Fuck. There was no nice way to explain that to a four year old.
"Serious thoughts?" Jackie came back in. She had a burp cloth on her shoulder that she threw in a hamper in the cabinet beneath the bottle station.
"Just something the girls said." Shane admitted, after a moment.
Jackie turned around to rummage through the fridge, "An argument? Or were they being insightful again? They're good at that, recently."
She offered him one and took one for herself. He offered a raised eyebrow, he didn't know she enjoyed them.
"Just stomach issues. Ginger helps." She explained, leaning against the counter.
"Well, both. To answer your question."
She tilted her head. Curious.
"It was about Ruby finishing her food, I think. But they got mad at each, and then they were sad."
Jackie softened, visibly empathic to his panic. "They're always like that. Very sensitive girls, for all they fight like two dogs."
"It was about Hayden." The words spilled out, awkward and stilted, "I didn't realize, well. I didn't think of how it would affect you guys. Him being gone."
Jackie hummed, frowning a little, "It's since they started preschool. They realized they're not quite the same as the other kids, and it's causing some trouble."
She sighed. "I wouldn't expect you to think of it, Shane. It's not like you have a wife at home."
Shane wanted someone at home. A fridge full of memories. It wasn't something he fully realized until this moment. His eyes prickled a little bit and he looked away.
"Yeah. I'm just saying, I told them it wouldn't be forever. That Hayden wants to be home." He explained, feeling the need to finish the story.
"That was very kind of you to say." Jackie replied. He looked at her. He couldn't decipher her expression.
"It's true. I wouldn't want to lie to them." Shane didn't explain how he was a very particular child. How he'd thrown fits whenever his parents lied to him and he found out, even when they were harmless normal parent lies. "He drinks and he spends all night in the hotel room and he hates when the trips are longer than a day. He thinks of you."
Shane felt a blush creeping up his neck. He stared hard at the counter. It was a granite with nice rosy hues and dark patterns. Cool beneath his hands. "Sorry. It's none of my business. I just, I know what it feels like to be uncertain. If that's how you feel."
"Boston Lily." Jackie said, weighing the words slowly.
Shane wanted to say it was complicated. Shut down the conversation. But when he looked up at Jackie, she looked genuinely curious. No judgement.
"I just never knew where I stood with he- him." He paused with the slip. "I still don't. I mean, I don't have a point for comparison. I told Hayden."
"He told me, yes." Jackie took a sip of the ginger ale. "Not an easy thing to experiment with, in your position."
Shane nodded, sipping his own ginger ale. There was a faint yell and splashing. Her expression softened again.
"Hayden is an open book. I know he wants to be here. It wasn't a problem with the girls, but Arthur has been... Hard." She pressed her hand to her stomach, but didn't look particularly nauseous. Just thoughtful. "I thought I knew what I signed up for. At eighteen."
"I don't think any of us knew." Shane agreed, "It's difficult. When we're out there, it's all hockey. No room for anything else. So all the thinking happens at home. Or hotel rooms."
Jackie nodded, slowly. She considered him. "Is that why you came out to Hayden? Enough room to think about it?"
"No." Shane said, though what she said was an easier, neater solution. "I was... Lonely. I needed someone to know before I drowned."
He lost the ability to meet her eyes, and looked back the counters, considering the quiet bubbling of the ginger ale, "Hayden... He's always been there for me. I was afraid, but I knew he was safe. He wouldn't hurt me."
"I'm glad." Her voice was a little thicker, and he jerked his head up to see her crying.
"I'm sorry." He said, automatically, stumbling his way to stand. He wasn't even sure what he'd said wrong, but he was used to apologizing for things he didn't understand.
Jackie gave a wet laugh. "No, no it's not you. I'm just hormonal. That's just so Hayden."
Shane nodded, "Very Hayden."
"You should come for dinner." She sniffled. "I won't cry all over you, promise. I'll make something for your diet."
Shane couldn't refuse Jackie when she wasn't crying. He sure wasn't going to now. He glanced at the calendar. "Friday? Or next week, sometime? I don't know what your schedule is."
"Friday will be fine. I'll get Hayden to text you a time tomorrow."
Shane nodded. "Thanks. Good night."
"You too."
He left out the front door. The outside felt unreasonably cold after the warmth of the Pike home.
//
Shane spent most of the week at the gym. He didn't intend to. He started off with very brave hopes of driving out and visiting his parents. It only took one solid night of overthinking for his bravery to vanish.
The fact remained that Shane would still have to lie to them. Or at least admit he couldn't tell the whole truth. He wouldn't out Rozanov. Even though they had both been on radio silence since the last time, and there might not be anything to out by this point. He could almost believe that too, like the next he saw Rozanov he wouldn't immediately fold again.
Shane sighed. He was in his garage. The Pike dinner was in an hour, but in his anxiety, he'd already dressed and then felt useless standing around his empty apartment with his bare fridge.
Sometimes it felt like his every spare moment had been consumed by Rozanov and hockey for years. But here, in the garage, another subject took up more and more of his time.
Parenthood. It occured to him, of course, when Hayden had gotten married, then he'd been pulled into the role of Uncle Shane. Lots of events with the babies, who were cute but also exhausted the Pike parents, and then seeing them grow in glimpses. He tried to help out wherever he could. He enjoyed helping out.
It didn't occur to him to want it until the lights night. It felt really like that conversation with Hayden freed up the part of his brain that wanted things. Without the all consuming desire to be known and loved by someone, there were other things, and that was strange to think about.
He kept thinking about the fridge.
His parents had his report cards on the fridge for a long time. Then it was game photos and medals, then he got a special wall in the office and the fridge became a strictly game and school calendar and holiday photos deal. He didn't remember a time his parents had ever hung up his terrible artwork or taken photos outside of the requisite ones for cards or at his hockey events. They were busy, working to pay for a very expensive child. Then, as he got older and the money situation got better, he guessed it never changed. He never asked as a kid. Weird Shane Hollander never got invited to sleepovers, so it's not like he'd had a point of comparison.
His parents loved him. It wasn't a question. But it felt different from the way the Pikes loved their kids, and he wasn't sure how to reconcile it. So there was the lying and that strange anxiety that if he didn't do things that rated the fridge and the office wall, if he did something that put that in danger...
Shane closed his eyes. Sighed. He was overthinking again.
He looked at the clock. Forty five minutes. He decided to grab a bottle of Jackie's favorite wine and a case of beer for Hayden. That was something people did when they visited friends.
In the end, he was glad he'd left early. Getting through the tail end of rush hour traffic was pretty bad in Montreal, especially to the suburban area the Pikes lived. With the stop for the drinks, he made it with five minutes to spare.
The house was decorated with Christmas lights now, just a neat row of flashing rainbow lights above the porch, and a steady glow of white lights wrapping the bannister. There was a holly wreath on the door and the porch bench had tree themes pillows with bright baubles.
It looked like a movie. Shane grabbed his drinks, and went to the front door, managing a doorbell ring with a knee.
Hayden answered the door. Ruby was perched on his shoulders, hands knotted in his hair in a way that looked distinctly painful. Sure enough, Hayden winced, even as he pushed open the door.
"If it isn't my favorite Captain! Ruby, you wanna get down and say hi to Uncle Shane?" Hayden sounded kind of like he was begging.
A laugh caught him by surprise, and he put down the drinks as Hayden closed the door. He offered Ruby his hands, and she seemed to weigh her options before abandoning Hayden's tortured hair.
Shane gave her a little spin. She squealed. "Down, down."
Hayden retrieved the drinks, mouthing a thank you, and going ahead to the kitchen.
"That was scary." Ruby said, very seriously. "You should tell me first. Next time."
"Of course." Shane nodded, seriously, "I'm sorry, I didn't mean to scare you."
"Ok. Mom is making pasta. She promised I could fold the napkins." This, too, was said with a very serious tone. She was adorable.
"Did she? You should show me. I've never folded a napkin."
"Never?" Ruby looked shocked, "Even dad can fold one."
Shane suppressed a laugh. "Well, you'll just have to show me."
That decided the matter. Ruby dragged him into the kitchen, where a small kids craft table had been dragged out. He managed a little wave to Jackie, who looked amused by his predicament.
Unsurprisingly, Ruby was not a particularly good napkin folder. But it did seem to keep her occupied, and she quickly seemed to zone out that Shane was even there. He stood up and carefully stepped away, leaving her to the crumpled napkins.
"It's zucchini pasta. I found a good recipe online." Jackie clarified, "Tomato basil, low sodium for the sauce. Turkey meatballs. Whole grain rolls. Sound good?"
Shane smiled, genuinely warmed by the effort. "Sounds great. I really appreciate it."
"How else am I going to lure you over here?" She tsked, "Ginger ales in the fridge. Can you grab me one?"
Her hands were occupied with placing down the frozen rolls.
He took one for himself too, and after a moment's hesitation, cracked hers for her, pushing it across the counter. She flashed him a smile, managing a sip before she put the rolls in the oven.
"Arthur's down for now. He actually ate the carrots." Hayden strolled in, carrying a bottle that he put in the sink. "Got them all over himself too. I changed him."
"He's always a little more adventurous with you." Jackie replied, then to Shane, "He's been difficult with the vegetables."
Shane nodded. Kids were picky enough, he didn't imagine it was easier for the younger ones. Not that he could judge. He was notoriously picky his entire childhood, which had transferred neatly into his performance diet.
"The girls are going to watch a movie after dinner. So I wouldn't expect to see them long at the dinner table. We usually limit their TV time, but I think it'll be nice for just the three of us to talk a bit too." Hayden sat next to him, explaining in a lowered voice. Clearly afraid of inciting any rebellious kids.
He felt a little nervous about being alone with the couple, after all he'd made Jackie cry last time. He wouldn't this time though, somehow. "Sounds good. What movie?"
Hayden lowered his voice even more. "Moana." Then, at a normal level, "They're obsessed."
A laugh slipped out.
"Hey man, you watch the same movie seventeen times. You would whisper it too."
He conceded the point with a shrug. He'd watched the same movies as a kid. Over and over again. Then he'd discovered hockey and everything became about that. He still watched old film sometimes to go to sleep. He didn't remember his parents complaining, but they weren't exactly big complainers.
"Okay. Enough gossiping, you two. Go set the table." Shane stood up with Hayden.
"She doesn't mean you." Hayden elbowed him.
Shane stayed standing, "I can help."
Hayden scoffed, "You're a guest."
"Oh, c'mon. He comes around often enough. Here, easy job for him. Bowls." Jackie pointed out the correct cabinet, then to Hayden, "You sort out the cutlery."
Hayden moaned dramatically.
They set the table in good time. The kids carried the glasses, though they were all actually plastic tumblers. The girls climbed into their chairs, and Shane was struck that they'd aged out of the high chairs and sippy cups since the last time he'd come over for dinner. They still had big cushions to put them on level with the table.
The table cloth was still a durable plastic one. So that hadn't changed. At the table, the girls excited recounting that they were learning French alongside their usual art lessons. Shane prompted them through a few basic phrases and they seemed delighted he knew any French.
"Daddy doesn't know any." Jade said primly. "But mom is flu-"
She looked frustrated.
"Fluent? She can knows all the French." Shane offered.
"Fluent. She's from Quebec." Jade sounded out the province name with concentration, in a distinctly French Canadian way.
It made sense. He didn't know anything about Jackie, really, beyond the fact she'd been in school and the same age as Hayden when they met. The wedding invite said Jacqueline, he remembered. French immersion from preschool was intense, but it wasn't like Shane could discount the usefulness of a second language. It had come up a lot in his career, after all.
"I didn't know that. Thanks for telling me." He said to her. The kids liked when he was serious with them, just as much as they liked the joking and playing around.
Jade nodded seriously. Ruby, apparently disliking the lack of attention, cut in, "Grandmère Louise likes when we talk to her in French. I think that's why Mommy sent us to the special preschool."
"It's a very special thing, to share a language with someone." Shane replied. It felt true. His mom never taught him Japanese though, insisting on French being the better option for the league. His dad spoke French better than him, and insisted on doing a fully French summer when he was fifteen.
He wondered if Rozanov would care if he learned Russian.
"Grandmère Louise was very insistent." Hayden cut in. He gave Shane a look that was undoubtedly supposed to provide some context, but it meant nothing to Shane.
Jackie came in with the pasta dish, and Hayden got to his feet immediately, rescuing the dish from her. "You should've called. This is heavy."
Jackie rolled her eyes. "I'm not made of glass. If you're feeling helpful, go grab the rolls and the butter. They're almost done."
Hayden gave a mock salute.
The pasta was divided into neat squares, three by four. Twelve in total, split between four Pikes and one Hollander. There would be leftovers. That was a relief, he wouldn't have to force himself once he felt full enough.
"You can serve yourself. I'll get the kids situated." Jackie assured him. She was going around the table, pouring water from the pitcher Hayden brought out earlier. Ruby started chugging hers like she'd never had any in her life, much to Jackie's visible annoyance.
He took the smallest part, and accepted his water with a quiet thanks.
Hayden returned with the rolls, and the parents fell into an established routine of passing out food.
As predicted, both of them fell on their food like starving animals. Shane was a little concerned they would actually make themselves sick, but neither Jackie or Hayden looked concerned. He decided to mind his business.
Once they were finished, they both sat up, staring expectantly at their parents. Shane hid a snicker, both their mouths were covered in sauce for all they'd been nominally using forks and spoons.
"Hayd, can you turn on the TV?" Hayden nodded, standing up as Jackie leaned forward, serious, "Dad's not going to press play until you're both clean, so don't rush. Cookies after the movie, if you're quiet, okay?"
"Yes, mom!" They jumped from the table. Hayden had to run a bit to catch up.
He couldn't help his smile. It was just so domestic. He ate a little more, and then a thought occured to him.
"So, French. Do you speak natively?" He asked. Curious.
"Yes. My aunt raised me, and she run a bakery in Quebec City. Very intense about the French there." Jackie smiled though, nostalgic, "She is a bit pushy about the kids learning, gets after Hayden about learning. She's always been on the fence about him."
"There's no time for him to learn."
"I'm aware." Jackie snapped. Then with a deliberate deep breath, "Aunt Louise doesn't see it that way, but it's not about the French, really."
Shane waited a beat. "What is about?"
"Probably getting me pregnant at nineteen with twins and dropping out of college. She blames Hayden." Jackie said, blunt. She nibbled on a roll, her plate mostly untouched.
That made sense. Ouch, though. That was a tough situation to have with a relative. "But she likes the girls?"
Jackie closed her eyes. "Yeah. I think. We're going to visit her in the summer."
Shane paused, anxious of fucking up again. Unsure of what to say that wouldn't make this conversation worse.
"Where will you be? This summer?"
"The cottage." Shane answered. Automatic. Them, with a blush at her simple raised eyebrow, he explained, "I had this cottage built on a lake. In Ottawa. My parents usually go during the winter and I go during the summer. I'll visit them, but it's better I stay separate for training."
"Just you? No one special?"
"No. I've never taken anyone but my family." Shane replied. Honest. He wondered if she was hinting. There was enough room for the current number of Pikes, but the place was not child-proof.
"Not even Boston Lily?"
Shane hesitated. "Probably not."
He looked at his plate, basically scraped clean. He'd thought about asking Ilya - Rozanov. It was like a dream, to imagine a place where they could relax and actually go to sleep beside each other.
Rozanov would say no. This, Shane was sure of.
"Wow, this looks intense. You interrogating poor Shane, babe?" Hayden stepped into the dining room. The words were joking, but he sounded actually concerned, eyes darting between Shane and Jackie.
"No. I'm asking him about his summer plans."
"Easy enough. The cottage right?" Hayden easily remembered. "It's great. I saw the video."
Shane groaned. "I think everyone's seen it by this point. They told me they were going to cut the yoga part."
Hayden shrugged, sitting down and digging back in. "Yeah, well, can't let them get anything in film you don't want out there. I think mine has that time when Ruby got a lollipop stuck in my hair and I had to cut it out."
Jackie laughed. "It does. Very representative player showcase."
Finally, Jackie started eating. It was small bites, but it eased some tension Shane had been feeling. By mutual agreement, Hayden and him kept up a quiet buzz of conversation about meaningless hockey stuff. The sort of facts they'd retread a thousand times.
They all came together to clean up the dishes. Jackie set them to soak, but went ahead and put the cups in the top row, neatly lined up. Hayden and her had a system where he sorted out the forks, spoons, and knives, handing them to her in turn. It was very peaceful.
Without any clear direction, they drifted to the living room, and Hayden put on a game, mostly for background noise.
Jackie broken the quite they'd settled into, "So how old were you when you took a French immersion?"
"How'd you know?"
The amusement was clear. "Trust me, everyone can tell. They're just impressed you actually remember anything from it."
Hayden was watching this like a live tennis match. Shane was really starting to be concerned with how anxious he was.
"Fifteen. My dad only spoke to me in French and there was a summer school."
"Not your mom?"
"She was busy." Shane mumbled. She'd gone to Japan for a visit for two weeks, to help with the immersion aspect. He'd missed her.
"Well, she does seem like a very busy woman. Did you get a chance to invite her up?"
Shane considered lying for only a moment, "Not yet."
"Busy week for you?"
Hayden was looking away when Shane turned to appeal for help. Trapped under Jackie's serious gaze, he could feel the guilt curling again.
"No. Just the gym, and you guys. It's just.." He gestured.
Jackie paused, considering. A more sympathic look, "Not an easy conversation to have. I know about hard conversations."
"You know how to start them." Hayden mumbled. Shane did not turn to look at him. His neck prickled though, some animal instinct kicking in.
"We're not having that conversation." Jackie said, all the compassion draining from her voice. She sounded the most pissed Shane had ever heard her. It was frankly terrifying.
"I didn't mean it that way." Hayden said, looking away. His face was red.
"Really?" Jackie just stared him down, "Well, either way. We'll have my hard conversation when you have yours."
"That's not fair." Hayden whined, suddenly sounded just like he had at eighteen, and he seemed to realize it, stiffening his shoulders.
"Funny for you to say that." Was all she had to say. She didn't even look at Hayden. "Can I ask you a personal question?"
Shane swallowed. He felt, yet again, deeply over his head. "Sure."
"When did you know? That you were gay?"
He glanced between the two of them. Hayden looked so wound up he was about to spring off the coach. Jackie was leaned forward. Relatively relaxed except for the tension in her brow.
"It's complicated. I only, well, I only admitted to having those feelings when I met Lily. Boston Lily. Years ago." It felt like an unnecessary clarification. But it was how they always referred to Rozanov. Comfortable to fall back into the habit of mimicking.
"But it's not just Boston Lily?"
Shane looked away, embarrassed, reminding of some thoughts he'd had way back when. When he'd made that flippant comment about Hayden getting him pregnant. There was a series of other guys - bartenders, fans, even a few strangers on his jogs. The strange tension that sometimes permeated his interactions with other players even pricked at him sometimes. The answer came out more as a croak, "No. Not just Boston Lily."
"Oh come on. He's clearly not comfortable talking about this." Hayden hissed, when the silence dragged on.
"Him or you?"
There was a wounded silence.
"He's my best friend. I don't have a problem with him being that way."
"Being what way, Hayden?"
"You're going to make me say it?!"
"I want you to think about why saying it is a problem for you." Jackie finally said. The words landed heavy in the room. Shane looked up from his hands. She was fierce, face a bit red from the argument, but Hayden looked... Devastated. Like she'd shot him.
There was a silence that dragged on. It gave him far too much time to sit with the pressing discomfort in the room. His mind was slipping backwards to the hotel, skimming over their conversations, trying to understand where and what he'd missed. Their conversation had been immensely comforting to Shane, in comparison to the nightmares that were all too grounded in reality. Now, he couldn't find where things had gone wrong, and it felt like a familiar ache, a bruise that stuck around too long being pressed. Any number of friendships and relationships unraveled by some coded message he'd missed over the years.
One thing returned, though, Hayden saying that Jackie knew more about him than he knew about himself. Shane wasn't sure he would ever know someone like that. If he was capable.
"I've thought about it." The words sounded like they'd been pried out of him, slow, weighted. The response was so removed that it took him a moment to figure out what Hayden even meant.
Even though his eyes dropped to the carpet while he thought, they were drawn to Hayden. The devastation was neatly tucked away, and now the couple was looking at each other. A silent conversation passing between them.
"What do you think?" Jackie asked, cover Hayden's hand with her own.
Shane wanted to know, and he didn't. He was in the parking lot and back at Rozanov's house with a question that he couldn't ask.
He stood up, his body reacting before he could assemble an explanation. He stared above them for a long moment. At the dark outside.
"I should go. I have to practice tomorrow. Stay on schedule." Somehow, his legs managed to bring him forward. He clapped Hayden on the shoulder.
Jackie looked a little sad. "You don't have to go-"
"I think I do. Really." Shane bit out, uncomfortable down to his bones. He looked between the two of them, "You two should talk."
With that, he left. The night outside was just as bitter cold as he knew it would be. In the car, he didn't allow himself a moment to think. Just route driving to destination, then straight upstairs. He had a treadmill in his office.
Ragged gasps dragged out of his chest as if he was sprinting. It hurt, deep inside his chest, but mostly it felt hollow and awful like he was about to throw up. He could still hear the conversation, on a loop. It felt like a culmination of every fuck up he'd ever made, unable to see the signs until the whole situation was on fire.
Fuck.
He shouldn't have said anything. He shouldn't have agreed to dinner. He could feel the tension, why didn't he leave once they'd ate.
He kept running until his lungs burned. Until his nice shirt was entirely ruined by sweat. Until there was blessed silence in his head and an ache in his legs.
Unable to keep up the pace, he stepped off the treadmill. Tracked a route to his bedroom. There, he buried himself under the sheets, uncaring of the sweat. There, no one could see the painful sobs as he shook apart.