Work Text:
DISCLIPLINARY REPORT
DATE: Primeday 16 Corus, 17 AFGE
DUTY STATION: Death Star, Level AA Barracks
REPORTING OFFICER: Lt. Willett, Tianona
OFFICER IN CHARGE: Capt. Pluver, Rothan
INFRACTION: Trooper RB-1925 found with unauthorized organism during routine inspection.
CORRECTIVE ACTION: RB-1925 to compete mandatory video training on the dangers of alien organisms introduced to a closed environment. Bar chit suspended for fourteen (14) shifts.
RESOLUTION: Unauthorized organism disposed of.
MEMO
FROM: Sgt. Maj. Krane, Jakab
TO: Spec. 1st Class Avoset, Yaran
DATE: Centaxday 27 Ventosus, 19 AFGE
Avoset:
There's a jam in garbage compactor 3263827 on level AA-23. That detention block is almost empty right now and generating low waste load so it's not urgent, but please resolve when you have a spare moment.
KRANE
AVOSETY29: re the jam in compactor 3263827: good news and bad news, sir.
KRANEJ78: what's the good news?
AVOSETY29: I found the cause and it's resolved, at least for now.
KRANEJ78: I don't like the sound of "for now," Spec.
AVOSETY29: it appears to be an organism, sir. several organisms, actually, these long slimy things with eyes on the end, tangled up in a ball. the ball was blocking one of the capacity sensors.
KRANEJ78: tell me you removed them.
KRANEJ78: tentacle monsters in my garbage compactor are not acceptable.
AVOSETY29: I know, sir. popped them in the hazardous waste incinerator just to be safe.
KRANEJ78: so what's the bad news?
AVOSETY29: I think I've seen these before. a holo, I mean. in a xenobiological sanitation workshop at my last post.
KRANEJ78: ...and?
AVOSETY29: I'm not sure we're going to get rid of them that easily.
KRANEJ78: just what we need, with Grand Moff Tarkin scheduled for an inspection next week.
KRANEJ78: all right, find out what they are and shoot me a message with the options ASAP.
FROM: [email protected] "Spec. Avoset, Yaran"
TO: [email protected] "Sgt. Maj. Krane, Jakab"
DATE: Zhellday 29 Ventosus, 19 AFGE
SUBJECT: Dianogas
Sgt. Krane,
I searched all the pest management literature on the organisms in compactor 3263827, and it's not looking good, sir. These things are basically impossible to eradicate.
Avoset
BACKGROUND: The Common Swamp Dianoga (Dianoga magnifica var. splendens Nia-Tae) is a legless, single-eyed semi-aquatic organism native to Vodran. A coating of slime protects it from hazardous chemical exposure in the environment.
BIOLOGY: Dianogas possess both lungs and the ability to absorb oxygen through their skin, allowing them to function in a range of environments, although in their natural habitat they prefer swamps. Fully grown, they can reach a length of up to 10 meters. Their legless body is muscular, powerful, and coated with protective slime. Diet is diverse, ranging from organic detritus and food waste to small prey.
REPRODUCTION AND GROWTH: All dianogas are female and reproduce asexually, but individuals may congregate in a "mating ball" prior to release of larvae. Current research suggests that the stroking of other dianogas induces muscular contractions that stimulate self-fertilization. A dianoga reaches reproductive maturity at one year of age and thereafter releases a clutch of 40-60 larvae once or twice a year, depending on available resources. Larvae are opportunistic feeders and may resort to cannibalism in a closed environment. They are nearly microscopic and resistant to all known pesticides, and can survive hard vacuum for short periods of time by entering a dormant state. Dianogas grow rapidly, reaching full adult size within 3-4 Galactic Standard Years.
BEHAVIOR: Larval dianogas are free-swimming scavengers, but can glue themselves to substrates to resist being swept away by currents. As they grow larger, dianogas also hunt small prey. Fully-grown adult dianogas are extremely territorial and have occasionally been known to attack sentients. They are solitary except during reproductive periods.
PEST CONTROL: Short of entirely emptying an area and exposing it to hard vacuum for several days, dianoga infestations can only be managed, not eliminated. Even in when extreme measures are taken, dianogas may recolonize from larvae secreted in vents, ducts, and other nooks and crannies impossible to fully sterilize. Consequently, dianogas are now an invasive organism in multiple star systems, often introduced via stowaways on starships, where they can hide in maintenance vents and garbage compactors for years before they are noticed.
FROM: [email protected] "Sgt. Maj. Krane, Jakab"
TO: [email protected] "Sgt. Wouldkok, Bo"
DATE: Benduday 30 Ventosus, 19 AFGE
SUBJECT: Fwd: Dianogas
Wouldkok:
WHY THE KRIFFING HELL ARE THERE DIANOGAS IN MY GARBAGE COMPACTOR? Was I not EXCRUCIATINGLY CLEAR after the rossorworms in the vents that contraband organisms are to be properly disposed of, by which I mean killed and promptly incinerated, not flushed down the kriffing toilet, ESPECIALLY WHEN THEY ARE AQUATIC? Are you still showing new recruits the Only YOU Can Prevent Invasive Species infovid like I instructed? Did you stress that this can be a matter of life and death? GodDAMN.
Further reprimand to occur when I can shout at you properly.
KRANE
FROM: [email protected] "Spec. Avoset, Yaran"
TO: [email protected] "Sgt. Maj. Krane, Jakab"
DATE: Primeday 31 Ventosus, 19 AFGE
SUBJECT: Attached: What Can Dianogas Do For You?
Sgt. Krane,
I also found this information brochure. I guess we could try to think of this as an opportunity, sir. Fresh meat might even be good for morale. I have a good fried squidfish recipe from my gran that might work for dianoga. Enough hot sauce and I expect no one will be able to tell.
Avoset
WHAT CAN DIANOGAS DO FOR YOU?
Dianoga Aquaculture for Municipal Planning (DAMP)
Dianogas in your waste system giving you grief? While many view these slithering serpentiforms as nothing but common pests, dianogas have much to offer for the municipal planner. Learn to live in harmony with dianogas and reap the benefits of a cleaner, greener galaxy!
LOW TECH RESOURCE RECOVERY
Dianogas will eat just about anything! They're great for pretreatment of waste, especially for developing worlds with limited access to technological resource. Use dianogas to extract every scrap of organic nutrients from your trash - they're low-maintenance, and since they're also cannibalistic and territorial, you'll never have more than your waste stream can support!
WASTE SEPARATION
Droids keep getting gummed up? Don't want to expose sentients to toxic chemicals? Dianogas are hardy and resistant to organic poisons, inorganic poisons, and anoxia. Put a few dianogas in your single-stream recycling collection facility and you'll never have to worry about a leftover nerfsteak sandwich clogging the recycling loader or pesky toxic exposure lawsuits again.
VERMIN CONTROL
You'll never have to worry about rossorworms or radarks again. Dianogas aren't just scavengers, but efficient predators of small prey, encoiling it and dissolving it with digestive enzymes excreted from a special patch on the underside so it can be absorbed. No muss, no fuss!
TASTY FOOD SOURCE
Dianoga meat is said to be similar to squidfish, surprisingly mild and tender when breaded and deep-fried, with only a faint seafood flavor, easily covered with spices and sauces. It may also be used as raw material for protein extraction.
VERSATILE SYMBIOSIS
Dianogas aren't just the municipal planner's best friend - they can also form an integral synergistic component of a starship's waste management system, as well as providing welcome fresh food for the troops. Once introduced, they require no feeding or maintenance.
FROM: [email protected] "Sgt. Maj. Krane, Jakab"
TO: [email protected] "Spec. Avoset, Yaran"
DATE: Primeday 31 Ventosus, 19 AFGE
SUBJECT: Re: What Can Dianogas Do For You?
Avoset:
Come to my office at 1300 and we'll decide how to message this up the chain.
KRANE
REQUISITION ORDER
FROM: Catering Station BB-09
DATE: Primeday 6 Germinus, 19 AFGE
DUTY LOCATION: Death Star, Command Block
URGENT - NEEDED FOR COMMAND INSPECTION WELCOME BANQUET - URGENT
ITEMS
3 liters hot sauce (Lando's Bespin Butt Burner preferred)
2 crates Alderaani lemons
27 kg pre-crumbled breading mix
600 liters frying oil
FROM: [email protected] "Sgt. Maj. Krane, Jakab"
TO: [email protected] "Spec. Avoset, Yaran"
DATE: Benduday 30 Ventosus, 19 AFGE
SUBJECT: Command banquet
Specialist Avoset:
Just wanted to let you know that the Grand Moff specifically commended your grandmother's fried squidfish recipe, with the locally produced substitute you suggested. Excellent work. Your creativity and resourcefulness have been noted.
KRANE
FROM: [email protected] "Spec. Avoset, Yaran"
TO: [email protected] "Marianara Avoset"
DATE: Taungsday 3 Thermonus, 19 AFGE
SUBJECT: Holiday plans and my promotion!!
Dear Gran,
I will be coming home for the holidays after all, as I've received a promotion to Senior Sanitation Specialist (that means I am responsible for all the garbage compactors and protein extractors on the CENSORED of the CENSORED and also I give new troopers the lecture about the dangers of CENSORED, which is a very important lecture). Sgt. Maj. Krane says we're not getting new trainees until next month, so he'll approve me for leave. You should expect my bonus in your account at the next pay period.
I recently passed your fried squidfish recipe to Catering, and they made a version for a banquet for the top brass with a great substitute we grew ourselves in the CENSORED. Life in the Navy sure requires CENSORED and creativity! I got to taste-test the fried CENSORED and it was pretty good, but of course it wasn't as good as yours. Grand Moff CENSORED liked it, though, and Sgt. Maj. Krane said I've done more for morale on this CENSORED than anyone else since the bar chit policy was implemented. I have attached a holopic from the banquet.
See you soon!
Love,
Yaran
