Chapter Text
He didn’t even realize it at first. That there was such a huge societal difference between “men” and “women”. A complicated web of history and systematic divide that he couldn’t quite grasp at his tender age, let alone understand.
Rin remembered how he once naively thought that gender was based off whether one liked blue or pink. Dolls or action figures. Not whether you had this genitalia or these set of chromosomes.
He realized relatively early that he wasn’t like most girls. And so did everyone around him. Rin remembered crying himself exhausted whenever he had to wear anything remotely girly. Dresses, skirts and polka dot stockings all reduced to tatters of fabric scattered on the floor. Always earning him a harsh scolding from his parents.
He envied the boys that tussled on the playground. Being able to live and act how they pleased without any repercussions. Pushing, fighting and getting covered in mud without a care in the world but If he did the same his mom would scold him about being “unladylike” while all they got was a shrug and a “boys will be boys.” Rin, at the same time envied the girls his parents pushed him to be. For they are able to feel comfortable in their skin, while Rin wanted nothing more than to rip his off. Them with their stupid pastel dresses and the sparkly bows that adorned their hair, brushing and braiding while he cut and snipped. He watched and watched as he continued to be stuck in a body that was never truly his.
Why couldn’t he be like them? His mom would ask, exasperated as her fingers ran through her magenta locks. As if he doesn’t ask himself that everyday.
“Why can’t I be like THEM, mom? Like Nii-chan and—“
“Because you’re a girl!”
His mother’s voice raised, her eyes blown wide. Her expression a mix of anger and conflict. But Rin remained frozen. He didn’t get it, he doesn’t think he ever would. He looked away, his mind trying to leave his body. To escape this uncomfortable situation until his mother snapped him back forcefully.
“Look at me!”
His mother’s eyes were almost manic, wide and unnerving. It felt uncomfortable to look, to maintain this tension so his eyes drifted down again. Causing another sharp gasp from his mother.
He knew he wasn’t normal. Every single play date he’s ever had ran out sobbing after he had cruelly mangled their dolls and plushes in his “bizarre” way of playing. Turning him into an outcast in the eyes of the other kids and their parents alike. Whatever, Rin didn’t care. He’d much rather play with his Nii-chan instead. He’s so much more fun to play with than those prissy girls anyway.
Instead of his teal colored craft scissors sitting neatly on his desk, the glimmering blades now lied in a sea of dark green locks as Rin sat on the edge of his bed, fists curling into his lap as he watched his mother sob on the floor, in grief of his “beautiful” long hair. While his father looked at him disapprovingly, arms crossed tightly over his chest.
“My baby looks like a boy now.”
His mother sobbed. But Rin didn’t feel an ounce of remorse. In his mind he was just as much of a boy as all the other boys. Not yet capable of understanding why his parents kept persisting he wasn’t. How come Nii-chan got to be a boy while he couldn’t? It wasn’t fair.
Rin came to resent everything that made him a “girl”. The fact that he couldn’t pee standing up. The fact that he couldn’t go to the beach with only trunks on like Nii-chan. Instead being forced to wear uncomfortable pastel print swimsuits with sparkly sandals.
He hated how much convincing it took for his mother to let him go to soccer practice instead of ballet recitals. Swapping ballet shoes for cleats and swapping tutus for jerseys felt like clipping his ugly stubby wings to grow brand new shiny ones. But even then he wasn’t allowed to play alongside his big brother anywhere that wasn’t their own backyard.
.
.
“Can I play?”
Silence passed as Rin stood there as his brother’s teammates paused to look at him only to sneer cruelly. Laughing and slapping their knees like the pure thought of sharing their field with a little girl was the funniest shit they’ve ever heard, only for their sneering faces to be shoved into the dirt by Sae as he approached his little sister brother.
“Sorry, [REDACTED]. We’re training for our next match. I’ll play with you at home, okay?”
“Okay, Nii-chan…”
Rin murmured, the scruffy ball in his hands feeling like a lead weight as the umpteenth rejection hit him like a ton of bricks. His brother’s hand ruffled his hair in a familiar gesture as he went back to his grumbling dirt-faced teammates, jerks.
Rin watched in the corner. His fists curling into the wired fence. Longing for a day he would be allowed to stand on that long open field without ridicule or shame.
_____________________
“Am I weird?”
Rin asked as he walked along the coast with his brother. The sun set over the horizon, painting the sky in beautiful shades of vermillion and gold. The icy blue popsicle sat cool and sweet on his tongue. His choppy hair tussled in the wind. Result of his little fiasco a while back. But Sae didn’t care. Sae, the only person who he felt like truly understood him. He even thought his weird hair was cool. Well Rin didn’t know if he should believe anything his brother has to say about hair…
The question wasn’t even asked explicitly because of his repressed identity. But other things as well. He drooled everywhere, had trouble making friends, always purposely hurting himself on the play ground. He was a loose screw and everyone knew it. But his big brother never seemed to care.
“Yeah, but so what? Everybody’s weird.”
Sae answered. Grumbling at his losing popsicle stick before shoving it back in his mouth. Nii-chan really hated losing. Even if he didn’t know it yet. His subconscious knew his big brother would always have his back as he already does. Always taking the blame for his own recklessness. Like when Rin got covered in mud, or when he chopped his hair off again and again after it grew back.
”Yeah.”
________________
Rin remembers his first goal as vividly as the day it happened. Watching his big brother dribble past the other kids while scoring goal after goal was nothing short of mesmerizing. His gaze tentatively went back to the two dolls in his small hands. Both horribly disfigured with a couple of limbs missing, hair ripped off, and permanent marker scrawled all over their uncanny plastic faces. The way he treated his toys were cruel in general but these two definitely had the worst of it.
He remembered sobbing and clinging to his mother’s leg when his mom gave away his Godzilla toy to another kid. The toy store staff looking at his mom with a look of pity. His mother sighed as she rubbed her temples.
“But I had it first!”
Rin whined as fat stubborn tears streaked down his puffy cheeks as he held onto his mother’s leg tightly, his breath coming in short bursts as his mother desperately tried to calm him down.
“I know sweetie, but that toy is for boys. I’ll get you something better okay?”
And “better” was apparently these two who look they’ve been through war. And in a way they definitely have.
“I also want to…”
Rin discarded the two dolls on the ground carelessly, their plastic limbs squeezing under his feet and sinking into the dirt as he went towards the small opening in the wired fence before his mother could stop him. Teal orbs followed as his big brother ran to the side of the field, his foot then gracefully hitting the ball in a delicate pass.
“Be a cool strong boy like my Nii-chan.”
Just then Rin felt a surge of something he’s never felt before. Slipping away from his mother swiftly as he forced himself in the opening. Her worried calls falling on deaf ears as he stepped onto the grassy field with renewed vigor. His eyes never leaving the ball curling itself into the air. Before anyone else could get it. His foot met the white sphere in a perfect collision. Like he was one with the ball himself. It was like all time and noise came to a halt as he watched his feet kick the ball directly into the goal. His brain replaying the moment the ball hugged the net over and over again as his eyes twinkled in amazement. He did that. He had done that. A sharp whistle shook Rin out of his daze.
“Rin.”
Sae’s eyes widened in pure unadulterated shock as he witnessed the spectacle. His little brother sister receiving his pass and scoring a goal better than any of his lukewarm teammates ever could. It defied all belief but it happened nonetheless.
“Hey what’s this girl doing on the field?”
Angry and frustrated calls, both teammates and opponents alike emerged. “Seriously, this brat again—“
“Move.”
Sae pushed past his annoyed teammates as he kneeled down onto the grass in front of Rin. His gaze settling on the guilt stricken expression of his little brother sister.
“Sorry, Nii-chan I…”
“That was awesome, [REDACTED]. Play soccer with me.”
“Huh?”
With me. The words echoed in Rin’s head like a mantra as his big brother put his hand on his head affectionately. Rin’s eyes shined with childish spark of hope. Maybe this was the first step into a dream everyone said was too unrealistic, the first step into a world that would finally accept him for who and what he wanted to be.
“You can be the best girl striker in the world. And I’ll be the best boy striker.”
Oh.
Right. He isn’t… The sense of contentment and belonging was quickly replaced by a feeling so soul crushing that made Rin want to tear every force in the world for making him a—
Girl.
“Right.”
Rin’s lip quivered as he looked down. A single stray tear running down his cheek as he bit the inside of his cheek as he felt the warm metallic taste of blood coating his tongue. Just then his mom quickly scurried over. Shaking Rin and demanding to know why he would do something so reckless, pausing when she saw her little girl boy start to break down in her arms. Her gaze breaking from her younger to see her older son’s perplexed face.
“Mama, I don’t want to be a girl..”
Rin hiccuped. His tears staining his mother’s beige sweater, His admission making her eyes widen further and her fingers tremble. She knew, of course she knew. But this was the first time she felt like she saw his behavior as something more than a little phase that he would eventually get over. A soft, stubborn acceptance washed over her even as she grieved the daughter she could’ve had. The daughter that could’ve been.
“Oh, my baby..”
She pulled Rin into her arms as Sae stood there staring before hesitantly enveloping his arms around his little sister brother.
________________________
Rin remembers what came afterward. Doctor’s appointments, therapy sessions. Hours of crying and denial from parents and relatives alike. He started to think it wasn’t even worth it to be a “boy” anymore if it meant this much emotional distress for everyone around him.
Rin initially thought his brother would act the same. Disgusted and confused but he only gave a shrug and told him he “he’s known” whatever that meant. It was in that small semblance of acceptance that made Rin realize that he didn’t want to pretend to be something he wasn’t any longer. To not hate his body, his voice. To not continue living in a mold that never fit right in the first place.
The process of getting HRT was genuine hell. First having to wait months to get formally diagnosed by a wrinkly old coot. Then every single doctor he visited doing anything but actually prescribe him testosterone. Questions like “Are you sure? Like REALLY sure?” still piss him off. Everyone except his brother weren’t much different, especially his parents. Almost as if clinging to the small sliver of hope that he might magically grow out of this silly thing and be the daughter they’ve always wanted him to be.
It pissed him off to no end.
He eventually did get it, thank fucking god. It was hard to get used to at first. Shots, gels and hormone blockers littering the bathroom as he slowly felt them change his biology in a way that made him both feel somewhat content and terrified all at the same time. He became angrier, snapping at every little thing. A sloppy pass, someone else taking his seat in the bus or something even as small as food touching each other on the plate.
But there were also good things. Like his voice getting deeper, heightened muscle mass and getting taller by each passing month. To most Rin wouldn’t be any different from any of the other boys that lived in Kamakura.
Luckily he never needed a binder. Thankfully being born flat chested as well as being well built enough that nobody would ever suspect his “pecs” were actually boobs anyway. But even as he grew his wings and tried to expand across the horizon, there was always something weighing him down. Even when he’s found his heaven, there was always a force trying to pull him back to hell.
Being in the same neighborhood all your life. Everyone around you having witnessed you slowly transition was like having a bright red target painted on your back. Transitioning into the boys soccer team in 6th grade was living proof of that. He just had to learn how to get used to it. Taunts and mockery became his daily, his motivation to keep going. To prove that they were wrong, that he belonged, but sometimes it was hard.
_________________
“Go back to the girls team, you freak.”
Shut up.
“Awe, what’s wrong? Is the little princess on his period?”
Shut up.
“Can’t believe coach let a tranny on the team. Just because she’s related to Sae doesn’t mean she’s any good.”
Shut up.
“Why don’t you spare yourself and go bench yourself, [REDACTED]?”
Shut the fuck up.
Rin clenched his teeth as he slowly got up. His knees burned raw from the shitty synthetic grass he was pushed into. That they pushed him into and then had the audacity to act concerned when coach was looked over. Rin approached the perpetrator, his back slumped and his gaze lidded. Eyes widened and gasps were heard when Rin’s fist connected with the boy’s face with a brutal crack. He didn’t stop. He couldn’t stop. Even as blood and tears covered his fists, even as his shitty teammates screamed at him to stop. His violence was a physical manifestation of all the endless cruelty he’s endured. Every taunt, every snicker, every push had all came to this bloody moment. All because he was himself. All because he refused a body he was never meant for.
Rin got suspended for two weeks, but he didn’t regret a thing. Everyone, from the hallways to the bathroom stalls now looked at him with a renewed weariness. Whispers and exaggerations polluting his name. Claiming he had beat up an “innocent” boy unprovoked. Like he was some man-eating monster. Bullshit, that asshole wasn’t any more at fault than he was. He had what was coming to him.
But it felt better being called violent than being called a freak.
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“You’ve got to stop letting them provoke you like that, Rin.”
Sae shook his head as he tended to Rin’s black eye. Sighing like an exasperated mother, and in a way he was. It was like every week Rin got into a new fight. Always with their teammates or someone in class. It was pretty obvious from the get go that Rin was an outcast in the eyes of their team, even their coach. Trying to find any excuse to bench him despite him being miles better than any of his other lukewarm teammates. Always whining and crying about how there shouldn’t be a “girl” on the team, that Rin was a violent psycho. when Rin was more of a boy than all of them combined, more of a player, a striker than they’d ever wish to be in their feeble pathetic lives.
“He started it first, Nii-chan! He called me a tra-“
Rin whined before being interrupted by a handkerchief to his mouth. Wiping the drool that had built up from the corner of his mouth.
“I know, just…Ignore them, okay? They’re just jealous because you’re light-years better at soccer than they’ll ever be. Also control your drooling for fucks sake.”
Sae groaned as he roughly dabbed the drool of his little brother’s face.
“Okay Nii-chan…”
He knew Sae was right. But it was hard, having those assholes undermine everything he’s worked for just because he’s not a—
Real boy.
The word felt bitter and heavy on his tongue. He wasn’t like them, not by a long shot. They didn’t have to take pills and shots every day just so their body would behave with the likes of their mind. They didn’t have to bare the humiliation of relatives gifting him dresses and dolls, calling him by that dead name Rin had tried to cut off all connection with a long time ago, but kept trailing him like a weight he could never shake off. And his parents doing nothing about it, laughing it off like it was a fucking joke.
Like he was a joke. Like the boy called Rin was a joke.
Fucking frauds. They all were, his parents, his relatives, his teammates but most of all—
Him. The biggest fraud of them all.
______________________
“Ugh, I won.”
The horizon cast over the two brothers as they sat by the deck. The wind ruffling their hair as they shared a peaceful silence. Rin stared at his winning popsicle like it personally offended him.
“You wasted your luck, Rin.”
Sae remarked. Rin threw the stick into the calm waves. Making a soft “sploosh” sound in its wake. His mom would’ve probably scolded him for “littering” but he honestly couldn’t have given less of a shit.
“Disposing of the evidence.”
Rin said flatly. A beat of silence passed. Not awkward just…waiting. Then it slipped before he could stop it.
“Do you ever wish I never changed?”
Rin murmured, shoving his hands into his pockets. He didn’t even have to wait for Sae’s response, it coming like a wave crashing down.
“No, I like you as a brother better. You were annoying as hell when you were a girl—Hey!”
Rin nudged Sae harshly. Sticking his tongue out at him playfully. Even if it wasn’t what he wanted in this life, that little girl, the snotty little pastel tutu’d brat he once was still lived on deep within him. And a weird, ridiculous part of him felt like he had to defend her right.
Because girlhood was like a childhood friend you lost touch from but still think about every day. And he would like to keep it that way.
It was in these moments that he didn’t feel like a fraud, a fake, a tranny freak. Instead he felt he was just a boy hanging out with his big brother. Just a boy living, breathing and surviving in this fucked up world he called his home.
While I’m gone, don’t you dare give up.”
Rin nodded. He knew but having it be said out loud felt like a wave crashing down over the horizon. Harsh but not brutal. Rin knew he would have to learn to live without his big brother. To continue flourishing even without
him by his side. He would just have to get used to it, plain and simple.
“Right.”
It was bittersweet. Watching his big brother pack his suitcase, getting ready and all. Rin was starting a new chapter meanwhile his brother was entering a whole new arc. The gap was big but not out of sight. He would catch up, just in time. He had to. The whole ride to the airport was tense. There was so much Rin wanted to say. That he was grateful, that he appreciated him, that he loved him. But sappy sentiments wouldn’t bring him anywhere. For now he’ll just watch. Basking in the last few moments of them being together before they eventually separated for good.
“Big bro, take care!”
“I’m off to become the best striker in the world!”
And there his next chapter again. A world without his sturdiest shell, his hardest rock. But he would learn how to live with it. He’ll build a new shell. And one day he’s going to stand on the world stage alongside his big brother, becoming the best strikers in the world together side by side. But for now, he’ll just become the best in Japan in his place.
__________________________
It only got worse when he left. Understandably so. It was like they resented him more once Sae could no longer play in their team. They had no choice but to have Rin play starting striker or else they would be fucked, but that didn’t mean they were happy about it.
Opponents would foul him, neither the referee nor his own teammates would advocate for him. Because why would they? To them he was just the weird tranny brother of their former star striker. And since Sae wasn’t there to protect and advocate for him anymore, he’d just have to do it himself. Even if it was hard, even if it was just him against the world. He would cross oceans just so he could keep up with aniki. To keep chasing that dream, to keep chasing the only thing that kept him living.
Rin eventually learned to play for and by himself. Stealing goals and curving shots, even then, their shared dream was always in the back of his mine. Fierce and unwavering. The stares and whispers didn’t bother him as much anymore. He had to be stronger, better if he wanted to get scouted like Sae. To prove his worth, to prove he’s just as skilled as everyone else, never mind identity and complications. Just they wait.
But every time he saw a scout approach him. Only to leave with a sour expression on their face once they read his files. It slowly ate at him. What if he never got scouted like his big brother? What if he just stayed as a second rate domestic striker forever while his brother continued growing and flourishing in those big leagues? Leaving Rin in his dust, his shadow?
No, he wouldn’t let it happen, pessimistic realistic thinking like that won’t get him anywhere. He’ll just get stronger, faster, more precise and prove himself again even if he was rejected over and over.
__________________________
Another ball hugged the net perfectly. Well at least in his eyes. Nightfall had already came as small speckles of snow twinkled before his eyes, landing on his glove as he looked up to face the sky.
Stars. Little white specks that resemble grains of salt on a dark cloth. Sae was already a star, making news headlines. Bright yet so far away, but if he continued working hard, it would just be in his reach.
“…Snow.”
Rin murmured as he felt the icy cold dissolve into his gloved fingers. Practicing until dark, he’d been doing that a lot lately. Despite his mother’s concern. Whatever, any second that wasn’t being used to hone his soccer skills were a waste anyway—
“The line of that shot wasn’t tight enough.”
“Oh, Nii-chan—“
The familiar voice shook Rin out of his soccer induced daze. Turning around excitedly as his turquoise eyes landed on his big brother’s identical ones. His eyes were one of the only features he liked because of the similarity. Everyone at a glance could immediately tell they were related just from their eyes alone. He cut himself off when he saw the state of his big brothers. Dark circles under his eyes, a suitcase at hand and—had he lost weight?
“Welcome home.”
Rin muttered as awkward tension filled the atmosphere. His brother’s stoic expression wasn’t anything new to him. But something about it this time felt different. More sullen, more tired. Almost…fed up.
“Yeah, I’m back.”
“I see you on the news all the time. You’ve played in Royale’s academy games, scored goals…”
“You’re awesome.”
Rin spoke softly. The gentle fall of snow made the setting calm, a little eerie, but there was a lingering tension that Rin couldn’t quite grasp. Sae was one of the only people that Rin felt truly comfortable with. Like they were two hearts beating as one despite being seas away, losing him felt like losing a part of himself almost. The bullying and cruelty only got worse when he left. Venomous stares and sneers emerging from side to side when he walked to school, when he got picked in class for a question, when he got home. It was all the same. But as long as he kept fighting and as long as his Nii-Chan was there—
“There are people more awesome than me out there.”
Sae clenched his fist. His nails digging into his deathly pale hands. A flicker of confusion and concern flashed over Rin’s face. Everything about his big brother seemed unwell, like he was no longer living, just surviving. Isn’t Spain hot? So why is Sae so pale? He looked thinner, tired—
Weak. No, his big brother wasn’t weak. He’s the strongest person Rin knows. He couldn’t possibly believe that Sae might have neglected his health during his time in Spain. He wouldn’t, not the responsible big brother that took care of him with precision and love. He took care of him so surely he would have no problem taking care of himself?
“Where’s this coming from?”
Rin murmured. He didn’t get what Sae meant at all. Sure he knows that there are players that are objectively better than his big brother. But Sae never paid that any mine, he said he would crush them all the same. Why the sudden change in mind? It didn’t make sense at all.
“I’ve updated my dream. I’m going to be the best midfielder in the world.”
Rin’s eyes widened. Shock and disbelief etching onto his sharp features. Before he knew it. The childish part of him yelled. Refusing to listen, refusing to understand his brother’s point and in return he was forced to play a game he never wanted to play. Poison laced words were exchanged and accusations were spat. Just as Rin thought the worst of it had happened as he sat on the cold field of grass. The fog of his breath clouding his senses, he heard his brother deliver the final blow.
“To me you’re nothing but a nuisance. Just a little şǐßþęř who’s a pain in the neck.”
“You have no value.”
It felt like the air had been knocked out of his lungs. That god forsaken word repeating in his mind like a curse he could never escape. The words of how he’s a nuisance, how he has no value were set aside. Rin’s mind zeroing in on that one, single word.
Sister.
Rin felt like throwing up. Every single illusion of care and support of the past shattered like a jackhammer to a glass window. Destroyed like a tsunami crashing over a skyscraper. He remembered his eyes blearing, hot tears seeping through his winter kit and freezing short after. His mind struggling to coincide the supportive, loving brother with the stranger that now stood in front of him.
_________________________
Rin stood in the bathroom. His hands propped up on the sink as he stared into the mirror. The sight that greeted him made him want to hurl. In the reflection he didn’t see someone worthy of fighting alongside his aniki. Instead he saw a pathetic little girl. Her eyes full of tears. Sae’s lashes made him look sharp and elegant but his only made him feel more feminine. More like the girl everyone wants him to be. That he is.
The reflection felt like mockery. Like staring into an imposter wearing his body. His shoulders looked smaller, his chest looked weird, his hips felt wider, his eyelashes looked longer. Rin watched as his reflection slowly morphed into an ugly distortion of everything he hated about himself. Everything that was small, dainty, weak and feminine about him. He hated it, he hated it so fucking much.
The little girl in the mirror stared at him. Her eyes wide and glassy and her skin as pale as ash. Rin wanted to reach out, to take her into his arms and never let her go. To embrace her for a long moment. And then rip her face off with his bare hands. To paint the walls with ħęř his blood until she and her name were truly dead to him.
But she wasn’t dead, far from it. No matter how much he wanted her gone. Even if he spent his entire life trying to erase the memories of a life that wasn’t his. A name that didn’t belong. It will continue to stubbornly follow him, taunt him till the day he dies.
He was so mad at everything, at everyone. Mad at Sae for crushing their dream. At his parents for giving birth to him. And himself for being so damn pathetic. But everything Sae said was true, wasn’t it? He was just a girl playing as a boy. A mere game of dress up, of role-play.
If Sae was done with him then he truly had no value. Maybe he was worthless from the beginning. How could he stand here crying like a little bitch over the truth? Oh right, because he’s a ğįřļ. Not a real boy, not a real man like his brother. He’d never be a man, nor a boy. But he’ll always be a—
A fraud, that’s what he was. Plain and simple, black and white.
His skin was raw from how much he’d been scratching it. It felt like his organs wanted to jump out at any moment, like a thousand bugs trying to crawl its way out of his skin. Loud thumps echoed across the sterile bathroom as Rin banged his head on the bathroom wall over and over again. His vision bleared just like it had on that snowy night. He felt the familiar gush of warm, metallic blood flowing down his nose. His head felt like TV static as he felt the putrid vomit crawl up his throat like a snake. God he’s so fucking disgusting. No wonder why Sae doesn’t want anything to do with him anymore.
Maybe he should just die. Fucking kill himself right here and there like the pathetic coward he was. No one would care anyway. His parents would be relieved of being freed from their problem child, his teammates would cheer and Sae would just scoff. Maybe it was all a lie, the moments and feelings they shared. as “brothers” It was just a cruel trap. Feigning support before taking it back last second. But a small voice lingered in the back of his head—
Why would he do that?
The pain was unbearable.
_______________________