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r/relationship_advice · Posted by u/OrangeSpyder617 8 hours ago.
I (26M) want to invite man I sleep with (26M) to my house. Help me not ruin it.
Relationships
Background. I have been hooking up with this guy for six years. We work in the same competitive field, different organizations. We are technically rivals. We meet when we are in the same city for work, which happens maybe once a month. Sometimes more, sometimes less.
We have rules. Last names only. Always hotels or his fuck condo, never mine when he is in my city. We can see other people. We cannot be seen together, ever. These rules were not written down. We are not children with chore chart. They developed over time, and I have been following them like a good boy for six years because I thought they were keeping us safe.
The problem is I do not want to follow the rules anymore.
I have feelings for this man. It is like having a stone in my shoe I cannot shake out. I have had feelings for a while. Probably years if I am honest, which I am trying to be right now, and it is very uncomfortable.
He is terribly not funny. His jokes are what you find in a Christmas cracker. And yet, I laugh. It is humiliating.
He is the only person in my field who can keep up with me (he would argue that I am the one keeping up with him, and he would be wrong). He has dark hair and freckles across his nose in a pattern I have memorized and I think about his face when I am trying to fall asleep. This is not normal for me. I am a man with plenty of options. I am very attractive. This is not arrogance, it is a fact. And yet the only person I want is this freckled idiot who drives the most boring car on planet earth and goes to bed at 9pm.
He will be in my city next week for work. Usually we would meet at a hotel. But I want to invite him to my house for the first time.
My actual home where I live.
The thing is, I cannot say "I have feelings for you, this is a date."
If I tell him directly, he will either panic or not believe me, because this man is the most oblivious human being alive. He once told me I was "funny" and I nearly drove my car into a wall.
I want to make him dinner. I am not a good cook. I am, in fact, a terrible cook. I need ideas for what to make, and they must be simple because he is a simple creature. I also know his favorite drink. I plan to buy it and have it in my fridge for him.
My plan is: invite him over, cook for him, have his drink ready, sit on the couch, talk, and let whatever happens happen naturally. Maybe he will stay the night. Maybe I will finally get to wake up next to him. I have never done that.
Six years and I have never once opened my eyes in the morning and seen him there in the dawn. I did not realize that was a problem until it became one.
He is the source of all my fucking problems.
My question for this subreddit: What else can I do to make this work? Does anyone have suggestions for a simple dish that is hard to fuck up? I cannot do anything that requires more than four steps. I will burn it or set off the smoke alarm and then I will have to explain to my neighbours why there is smoke pouring out of the windows and I will not be able to do that because I will be too busy dying of embarrassment.
Help me not ruin it all. Or don't. I will probably manage anyway.
English is not my first language. If my grammar is wrong, I do not care.
EDIT: To the person who said "just tell him how you feel" — I have considered this. I have rejected it. He would combust. You do not understand. This man once had to leave the room because I complimented him. If I say "I have feelings for you" while we are alone in my home he will set off my fire alarm with the friction of how fast he runs out the door.
EDIT 2: Really. You are all hanging noodles on my ears. You say 'be yourself,' but if I am myself, he will leave and I will be alone
EDIT 3: Hanging noodles means to lie or pull a prank! No there are not actual noodles!
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MapleSyrupShibari · 7 hours ago
Cook for him. I'm serious. It doesn't have to be good. The fact that you tried will say more than you think. Tuna melts are easy—canned tuna, mayo, shredded cheese, toast it open-faced in the oven. Nobody fucks up a tuna melt.
OrangeSpyder617 OP · 7 hours ago
I like your username but tuna sandwich sounds the opposite of attractive meal
PM_me_your_red_flags · 7 hours ago
You said four steps max, my guy. You're not getting beef Wellington out of a four step limit.
OrangeSpyder617 OP · 6 hours ago
Fine. I will make the tuna melt. If this ruins everything I am blaming you specifically.
sillywillywhimsy · 6 hours ago
also its good because if he still wants you after you make him a TUNA MELT for your first sleepover you can confirm he has feelings for you, because c’mon. tuna breath sex?… you GOTTA be in love.
MapleSyrupShibari · 6 hours ago
RemindMe! 1 month "did the tuna melt guy get the man"
ChefMike_NoNotThatOne · 8 hours ago
OP, if you're seriously this worried about setting off a smoke alarm with a sandwich, please just watch this. It’s the law that every single guy who can't cook has to start here. Just do exactly what the loud British man says.
OrangeSpyder617 OP · 7 hours ago
Wake up the misses and give it to her in bed - the breakfast.
LOL. I like his technique, he does not waste time. But eggs are for breakfast and training recovery. I am making a dinner. I will stick to the tuna melt. Perhaps I will give it to him in bed next day if he stays
PM_ME_UR_RED_FLAGS · 7 hours ago
"I am a man with plenty of options. I am very attractive. This is not arrogance, it is a fact."
I believe you, king. But I am going to need you to understand that you are not the main character of a movie right now, you don't need to plan the perfect night like this is a RomCom. Just be honest and make dinner. Use actual words. "I like you" has three words and zero steps. Easier than any recipe.
OrangeSpyder617 OP · 6 hours ago
I am ALWAYS the main character. This is not relevant but I need you to know this. I am in top 5 hottest men in my field.
WineAuntSally · 6 hours ago
The fact that you felt the need to rank your own attractiveness is wild
OrangeSpyder617 OP · 6 hours ago
It is context. I am establishing that I could have anyone. I do not want anyone. I want this specific boring idiot. This is the tragedy.
WineAuntSally · 5 hours ago
"This is the tragedy" please someone get this man a book deal
OpalApparition · 6 hours ago
Where does your situationship rank in hotness for your field?
OrangeSpyder617 OP · 6 hours ago
He is number 1. People, including me, agree. Many people. Magazines have agreed.
StepByStep_90 · 6 hours ago
Don’t jump straight to a full weekend. That’s high pressure for a six-year "hotel-only" habit. Invite him over for a "pre-game" dinner or a specific event on a Friday night. If the vibe stays good, suggest he stays over because "it’s late." It gives you both an out if the "domestic" reality hits too hard.
OrangeSpyder617 OP · 5 hours ago
I do not want an "out." I want him in my bed for forty-eight hours.
StepByStep_90 · 5 hours ago
48 hours? OP, what the fuck do you plan on doing to this man? He’s going to need an IV drip by Sunday.
PelvicFloorPro · 4 hours ago
RIP to this man’s rival. Pour one out for the freckled idiot. He has no idea what’s coming for him. At that rate, you’re going to defy biology and someone is going to end up pregnant.
OrangeSpyder617 OP · 3 hours ago
If you saw his ass you would understand
throwaways_for_days · 7 hours ago
Babe you've been hooking up with the same person for SIX YEARS with rules about last names only and you think YOU'RE the one catching feelings? He's been showing up for six years. He has feelings. You both have feelings. You are the last two people on earth to realize this.
OrangeSpyder617 OP · 6 hours ago
He does not have feelings. He has a schedule and a very boring routine and I happen to be part of it.
throwaways_for_days · 6 hours ago
Six years is not a routine, it's a marriage without paperwork.
deleted_my_ex · 5 hours ago
Can confirm. My ex and I did the "no feelings just hooking up" thing for three years and we now have a mortgage and a labradoodle.
OrangeSpyder617 OP · 5 hours ago
I do not want a labradoodle.
deleted_my_ex · 5 hours ago
That's literally what I said three years ago.
carol_in_accounting · 6 hours ago
Make him pasta! It's so easy. Lemon, butter, garlic, parmesan. Five minutes. You will not set off the smoke alarm and he will eat it because pasta is universally beloved. Stock the drink. Dim the lights. For the love of god, tell him how you feel.
I am going to follow this account and I will need an update.
TheEldersScrollsV · 5 hours ago
🚩🚩🚩 Six years and you've never been to his house? OP, you're the side piece. He has a wife and three kids in the suburbs. Wake up.
OrangeSpyder617 OP · 5 hours ago
You are an idiot. I have seen his 'fuck condo.' It has one bed, one chair, and a fridge with only Gatorade. No wife lives there unless she is a cockroach.
honestly_helena · 6 hours ago
Clean sheets. I cannot stress this enough. Put clean sheets on your bed, put out a fresh towel for him, and clear a space in your bathroom for his stuff. You don't have to announce any of it. He'll notice. Those details are louder than words.
OrangeSpyder617 OP · 5 hours ago
I have very expensive sheets with Egyptian cotton. He will know they are clean because they will smell like the detergent I buy from Paris.
honestly_helena · 5 hours ago
This has "Junior Partners at rival law firms" written all over it. The "rules" are just your way of avoiding a conflict of interest that would get you disbarred. OP, if you're rich enough for your silly sheets, just quit and go work for his firm. Problem solved.
OrangeSpyder617 OP · 5 hours ago
I would never work for his firm. His organization is second-rate. They have history but no future. My organization is the best because I am there. If I left, the building would probably fall down from sadness.
TooOldForThis_55 · 6 hours ago
Real talk: you've been sleeping together for six years and never stayed the night. That's not a rule, dude, that's a fucking wall. Inviting him to your home, cooking for him, having his drink ready… all good things, but you're also asking him to step over that wall. Be ready for the possibility that he does, AND be ready for the possibility that he's scared to. Patience. Give him room.
OrangeSpyder617 OP · 5 hours ago
This is… yes. You are right. He is not good with things that are new. He takes time with everything. Took forever for him to even realize that I was also attracted to him after we met, and I had to arrange opportunities to meet. I will give him room.
Even if it kills me to watch him take his time. He is so boring and slow.
TooOldForThis_55 · 5 hours ago
If you've waited six years, you can wait one more evening. Let the house do the talking.
GooseGrease88 · 5 hours ago
This sounds like a plot to a bad fanfic. "We are technically rivals." What does that even mean? Do you work for Burger King and he works for McDonald's? If you're actually rich, just hire a consultant to decorate your house so it looks "normal" and stop whining.
crossposting to r/nothingeverhappens because this reads like fanfic
OrangeSpyder617 OP · 5 hours ago
I do not "whine." I said my problem. And I am richer than anyone you have ever met. I do not need consultant to tell me my taste is better than yours. If I work for Burger King, I am the King. He is... I don't know. The clown.
BostonSportsBro69 · 5 hours ago
Okay I'm going to need more info on this "competitive field" because you said you're rivals, you travel to the same cities, you meet roughly once a month, and you're both 26 and apparently very well compensated based on the cars situation.
Are you guys athletes? This reads like you're athletes. The last-names-only thing is VERY locker room energy.
Edit: OP's username is OrangeSpyder617. 617 is a Boston area code. I'm going insane.
throwaways_for_days · 4 hours ago
He absolutely plays a sport. Or he models. Those are the only two professions where someone says "magazines have agreed" with a straight face.
OrangeSpyder617 OP · 4 hours ago
I do not model. I am also not saying what I do. Leave it.
BostonSportsBro69 · 4 hours ago
Adding "has been in magazines" to the file. The investigation continues.
QuietLifeQuietWife · 5 hours ago
No advice but "He once told me I was funny and I nearly drove my car into a wall" had me giggling. Good fucking luck man
OrangeSpyder617 OP · 4 hours ago
He never compliments anyone. He said I was funny and he was smiling when he said it and I had to pull over. I am not ashamed of this.
DudesBeingBros · 4 hours ago
You should be a little ashamed of this.
OrangeSpyder617 OP · 4 hours ago
Fuck you
BagelBitch_BOS · 4 hours ago
Hot take: you are not afraid he won't pick up on the signals.
You are afraid he will.
Because if he does, then you both have to deal with what that means outside of hotel rooms.
OrangeSpyder617 OP · 3 hours ago
I do not enjoy this thread. This thread is trash. You are all trolls. I am deleting this.
BagelBitch_BOS · 3 hours ago
I mean, I am enjoying this
SiliconValleySkeptic · 4 hours ago
"Competitive field" + "Last names only" = You guys are definitely high-level software engineers or quant traders. Is this some weird corporate espionage thing? Are you afraid he's going to steal your proprietary code while you're making him a tuna melt?
OrangeSpyder617 OP · 3 hours ago
I do not "code." I do not sit in a chair and look at numbers all day. My job is physical. I get paid to be better than everyone else while people watch.
SiliconValleySkeptic · 3 hours ago
Do you do porn
OrangeSpyder617 OP · 3 hours ago
If only the internet was so lucky
actual_therapist_no_really · 5 hours ago
Okay, real advice. The dinner is a good instinct. The drink is an even better one. But the thing that will actually make this feel different from your usual arrangement isn't the food—it's the context. You're inviting him into your space. Your actual home. After six years of neutral territory and hotels, that IS the gesture. Don't overthink the menu. The invitation itself is the message.
OrangeSpyder617 OP · 4 hours ago
This is the first useful reply I have received. Thank you. I will still make the tuna melt because apparently that is my destiny now.
actual_therapist_no_really · 4 hours ago
One more thing—have a plan for what to do if he doesn't pick up on the significance right away. You described him as oblivious. He might eat your food, enjoy your house, have a great time, and still not register the shift. That doesn't mean it failed. Some people need more than one signal.
OrangeSpyder617 OP · 3 hours ago
How many signals. Give me a number. I will do all of them.
actual_therapist_no_really · 3 hours ago
The fact that you're willing to do "all of them" is itself a signal. You'll be fine.