Chapter Text
Rowley doesn’t have Home Economics until the end of the day, so I spent all morning wondering what was gonna happen. I was having some second thoughts about asking him, because he always says things in the most EMBARRASSING way possible. On my birthday last summer I got an iPod with a dock, and I was excited to play my music at the pool and impress cute girls.
[insert picture of Ava at the pool surrounded by girls, obviously Ava’s imagination]
Girl: WOW, AVA! I LOVE GWEN STEFANI!
Other girl: YOU HAVE GREAT TASTE!
But I made the mistake of bringing Rowley along.
Rowley: LET’S GROOVE TO SOME SICK TUNES!
So with my luck, he would make me look weird in front of all the girls at SCHOOL too.
[insert picture of Rowley and all these girls in his home ec class here]
Rowley: AVA HAS A CRUSH ON HOLLY HILLS!
Girls: TEE HEE!
When I got out for lunch I went to find Rowley so I could coach him to be cool about these things. I found him sitting alone by the trash cans reading a Rainbow Magic book. Before I could say anything, he grabbed my arm and whispered really loud in my ear:
Rowley: THERE SHE IS! THERE SHE IS!
I looked up and sure enough, there was Holly walking to her lunch table. I slapped Rowley’s book out of his hands and tried to look as cool as possible eating my chips. By the way I glared at Rowley, I was sure he’d get the message. But then he got up and FOLLOWED her to her table and yelled:
Rowley: DO YOU HAVE A BOYFRIEND???
The entire cafeteria went silent, which I’m pretty sure is never supposed to happen. Everyone was staring at Rowley. Holly just sat there looking really embarrassed, and I wanted to tell her I know EXACTLY how it feels. Finally she said:
Holly: UHH, NO.
I thought it couldn’t get any worse, but then Rowley turned to look at ME and yelled:
Rowley: SHE DOESN’T HAVE A BOYFRIEND!!!!!!
Now everyone was LAUGHING. I ducked behind the trash can and ran as fast as I could out of the cafeteria. I ran down the hall until I found the bathroom, where I locked myself in the big stall. I hoped no one would find me for at least 100 years, and when they finally unlocked the door everyone in that cafeteria would be DEAD.
That freak Rowley had completely blown my chances at getting the hottest girl at Plainview Middle School, and we were only on the THIRD DAY. Now EVERYONE knows I wanted to know whether Holly had a boyfriend, and even worse, EVERYONE knows I’m friends with ROWLEY. I have NO shot at being cool if people think I’m anything like HIM.
I’m gonna KILL him. Well, I’m not actually gonna kill him because my life would be even worse if I went to jail. I could at least beat him up really bad because girls are allowed to hit guys. But he ruined EVERYTHING for me, so I’m trying to think of something even WORSE I could do to him.
After a few minutes in the stall, I heard footsteps, so I peeked through the little crack between the stall door and the hinge to see who it was. Turns out, it was Chris Hosey from homeroom. At first I was surprised he went into the GIRLS’ bathroom, but I’m not sure if he can even read the signs on the doors.
Ava: WAS THE SYLLABUS DUE TODAY?
Chris: *GRUNT*
Right after Chris walked out, ANOTHER guy walked in. That’s when I realized I was the one who messed up, and I was in the BOYS’ bathroom. I needed to find a way out of there before people saw me and started asking questions. But every time one guy left, another came in, so I couldn’t leave.
An hour must have passed, and I started getting really hungry because I forgot to eat my lunch. The thing that really stinks about being a girl is that none of your clothes have pockets, and if they do, you can’t fit anything in them. When Rodrick and I got iPods this summer, he put his in his jeans pocket so he could listen to music while he did chores. I tried to do that too, and my iPod fell on the floor and BROKE.
Mom has this weird rule that when she gets one of us a birthday present, the others get something like it so they don’t feel left out. So that’s how Rodrick and Manny got iPods on MY birthday, and that’s also why I have so many Sesame Street books.
Anyway, I was lucky to find 3 crumbs of a Twinkie in my pocket, which I prayed would hold me over until the end of the day. But after an hour and a half of sitting in a stall in the boys’ bathroom, I started to lose my appetite.
Boy: I JUST MADE A BIG ONE! WANNA SEE?
Boy 2: THAT’S GAY BRO *FART*
The worst was when this kid in a WHEELCHAIR came in, and he needed to use the big stall that I was in. No way I was getting out of there with other people around, so I pretended to use the bathroom REALLY intensely until he went away.
[insert picture of guy in wheelchair looking at big stall door]
Ava: UGH! RGH! OW!
I was miserable for the rest of the school day, but around 20 minutes after the last bell rang, I finally made a run for it. The hallway was quiet so I rushed out thinking no one was there…but then I saw PATTY FARRELL. We made eye contact for a second, and then I ran out the door before she could say anything.
I REALLY hope Patty doesn’t say anything to anyone. But from what little I know about her, she seems like the biggest snitch in the world.
Teacher: WHAT DID YOU DO OVER THE SUMMER?
Patty: I RECEIVED AN ACADEMIC AWARD FROM THE PRESIDENT!
I’m never going back to school.