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“So, what do you think?”
Maddie bites into the cranberry bun and chews thoughtfully. “I think you’re hiding.”
Buck rolls his eyes. “I meant about the bun.”
“I know.” Maddie sets it down and studies Buck with that all-knowing look that always makes him squirm. “But I think you’re here at my house instead of baking in Eddie’s— sorry, in your kitchen because you’re hiding.”
“It can’t be because I wanted to make something for my favorite sister?” Buck protests feebly, shifting his focus to placing the rest of the buns on the cooling rack.
“We both know that’s not what’s happening here.”
Buck huffs. “Fine. Maybe— maybe— I’m hiding from Eddie.”
“And why are you hiding from Eddie?” Maddie asks, although her tone suggests she thinks she already knows the answer. “I thought you would be thrilled to have them back.”
“I am.” Buck bites into his lower lip. “But… when I got home from my shift yesterday, he said he wanted to talk.”
“Okay,” Maddie says, dragging the word out dramatically. “And you don’t want to do that?”
Buck shakes his head emphatically. “No way.”
“Buck.” Maddie shoots him her patented ‘you’re being an idiot’ look.
“He’s been acting… different.” Buck knows that sounds stupid, but Maddie doesn’t get it. “He’s been so happy and smiley, and he keeps looking at me like he knows something I don’t. It’s freaking me out.”
Maddie raises her eyebrows. “Maybe whatever he wants to talk about is something good.”
“But it can’t be.” Buck hesitates for a moment before continuing, because he really shouldn’t even know this, but it’s been hanging like a weight around his neck for days. “I overheard him talking to Chim at the station, and he said… he said he wasn’t sure if or when he’d be coming back to work. What if…”
“You think he’s leaving again.”
Buck hangs his head, leaning on the counter for support. “I don’t know what else to think. They left most of their stuff in El Paso. He hasn’t said anything about me moving out so they can have their house back. And even when he told me they were coming back to LA, he never actually said it was going to be for good.”
Maddie sounds more sympathetic when she says, quietly, “Even if that’s true — and we don’t know if it is — it seems like you did eventually figure out how to manage without him the past few months.”
“But I didn’t,” Buck says despairingly. “We talked all the time, and I still missed him so much I couldn’t think straight.”
“Is now a good time or a bad time to circle back to the last conversation we had about Eddie leaving?” Maddie asks. “Because this is starting to feel very familiar.”
“Absolutely not.” The last thing Buck needs is to talk about being in love with Eddie now that he’s realized… well, that he’s in love with Eddie. But Maddie can’t find out. No one can.
He’s also afraid that if he keeps talking about Eddie, he’ll eventually break down and tell Maddie about what happened the night before Eddie left for Texas. And that’s information Buck plans on taking to his grave.
“Well, I’m going to give you the same advice now that I gave you then,” Maddie says. “Talk. To. Him.”
“I will. But… not yet.”
Maybe if he never talks to Eddie about it, Eddie will stay.
“I think you might be worrying over nothing,” Maddie murmurs into her coffee mug.
Eventually, Buck does go home, but Maddie makes him promise to sit down and have a conversation with Eddie before she pushes him out the door.
And Buck wants to talk to him. He loves talking to Eddie. But right now he’s not sure how to do that without spilling all of his messy, overwhelming emotions everywhere. And he can’t burden Eddie with those. Not when he promised to stay friends, even after what happened.
He hadn’t realized how hard that promise would be to keep, now that he knows.
He knows how pretty Eddie sounds when Buck is filling him up, how desperately he begs for it when he lets himself go. He knows that the red flush on Eddie’s cheeks spreads to his whole body when he’s aroused. He knows how quiet he gets when he comes, like the pleasure is so overpowering that it drowns out everything else.
How could anyone discover all of that and not want more? Buck’s only human.
But then Eddie had still left the next morning, and he had said he didn’t want things to change — that he wanted to stay friends, even if it would be from a distance. And Buck, like a hopeless idiot, had agreed to chalk it up to a one-time experiment.
The months of separation should have been enough time for his feelings to fade, or at least shrink to a more manageable size. Instead, hours of FaceTime calls and late-night texts had only pulled him in deeper. So now Buck is undeniably, unbelievably in love with his best friend who’s also — temporarily — his roommate, and he might be losing his mind.
When he pulls into the driveway, the empty spot next to him only serves as a reminder of how easy it would be for Eddie to pack up and leave again. He and Chris flew back, leaving his car in El Paso — or maybe he sold it, but Buck is too afraid to ask — and Buck hates that he even cares.
It also makes it hard to know if Eddie’s home, but he must have come up with some way to fill his day after Buck left for Maddie’s. At least he hopes so. He could really use a tiny bit of Eddie-free time to pull himself together. Not that he’s putting off talking to him. He just… needs a minute.
Buck unlocks the door to a quiet house. He relaxes, kicking his shoes off before making his way to the bedroom. He’s mentally mapping out his midday run when he opens the bedroom door and then immediately freezes in place at the sight that greets him.
In the days since his return, Eddie has insisted on sleeping on the couch. Buck hates it — hates how it only strengthens his fear that Eddie sees this as temporary — and he hates that they wasted precious time fighting about it. At least he had managed to convince Eddie to take the bed for the nights Buck is on shift.
So maybe it shouldn’t be such a shock, seeing Eddie curled up and napping in his bed. But the last time Buck saw him here was that night, and it's hard to think about anything else.
He shouldn’t linger. He should grab his running clothes, change in the bathroom, and leave before Eddie wakes up and catches him staring.
Buck doesn’t move, his skin tingling with warmth as he takes in the softness of Eddie’s face, the contrast his dark eyelashes make against his skin. He’s wearing one of Buck’s old t-shirts from some fundraiser he barely remembers, the logo worn and faded. The fabric is rucked up slightly, revealing tan skin and…
Buck blinks hard, but the scene in front of him doesn’t change.
There’s a new soft swell to Eddie’s stomach, still small but large enough that it must take some effort to hide it under his clothes. His hand is resting there, almost cradling it, and Buck is transfixed.
He drags in a ragged breath. It could be nothing. Maybe Eddie had an abnormally large lunch, or maybe he gained a few pounds from the more sedentary work he did in El Paso. Either could be a reasonable explanation for the change in Eddie’s body.
But Buck also remembers the secret Eddie whispered to him here in this room, in the dim light of the early morning. With their bodies still tangled together, Eddie’s face had gone tight and cautious as he apologized for not telling Buck sooner that he was a carrier — information that had been largely irrelevant in his life before that moment.
And that means…
Is Eddie pregnant?
Surely if that was the case, Eddie would have told him by now, right? They had talked the whole time Eddie was gone, and nothing had really seemed off until he came back to LA.
The next thought that enters his mind makes him nauseous. What if Eddie hadn’t told him because it wasn’t Buck who had gotten him pregnant? What if Eddie had decided to explore some more in El Paso? What if he met someone else? What if the reason he isn’t fully settling back in here is because he’s planning on going back and raising his child with this new love of his life?
Buck turns and stumbles back out to the living room. There’s a two-ton weight on his chest that’s making it impossible to breathe, so he collapses onto the couch and puts his head between his knees.
So. Eddie might be pregnant.
Which is fine. None of his business, really. Buck is not going to freak out about this.
Clearly, Eddie wasn’t ready for him to know yet. And the last thing he wants is to let his own emotions affect Eddie, so he needs to lock this down.
All he has to do now is keep two gigantic secrets: one, that he’s in love with his best friend; and two, that he knows said best friend is — might be — pregnant because he walked in on him sleeping and hadn’t been able to stop staring.
One secret had been barely manageable. He has no idea how he’s going to do this.
A run would clear his head, maybe make his body ache enough that it will distract him for a moment. But there’s no way he can go back into that bedroom, and he’s not quite insane enough to run in jeans.
So he sighs and, once he's pretty sure he's not going to pass out, walks unsteadily into the kitchen instead.
Buck feels Eddie’s presence in the kitchen before he sees him. At least an hour or two have passed, and he has a tray of cookies cooling along with three loaves of bread at various stages.
See? He's fine. He's being so normal.
“You’ve been busy,” Eddie says, his voice rough.
“Guess so,” Buck replies, and then he makes the dangerous decision to look up.
Eddie is leaning in the doorway, dressed in one of Buck’s sweatshirts that’s too big for him and sweatpants that he’s had to roll up at the ankles. His hair is rumpled from sleep, there’s stubble surrounding the relaxed smile on his face, and he’s so fucking beautiful that Buck is going to die.
Must be the pregnancy glow, Buck’s mind whispers, and it takes a tremendous effort to stay upright.
And then Eddie, damn him, comes closer. He pulls out a chair and sits, his gaze on Buck the whole time. “Any chance those cookies are cool enough to eat?”
Buck jumps into action. “Yeah. Yeah, of course.” He brushes his hands off on his apron and grabs a plate. And then he’s struck by the realization that he could be feeding Eddie’s baby as well as Eddie, and he ends up piling six of the large cookies onto the plate.
Eddie raises an eyebrow at the offering Buck sets in front of him. “Trying to ruin my dinner?”
“No, I just…” Buck flushes and turns back to the ball of dough on the counter. “You should have as many cookies as you want.”
“Well, that’s new.” Eddie pauses and then hums quietly, and Buck assumes he must have taken a bite, although he’s not going to allow himself to look back and check. “Usually, if I’m lucky, you’ll give me one and then make me wait until after dinner.”
Buck shrugs helplessly. “Maybe I missed baking for you.” It’s both too honest and not honest enough, and Buck feels the ensuing silence in his chest.
Eventually, he hears the legs of Eddie’s chair scrape across the floor, and Buck braces himself for whatever’s coming. It’s too hot in the kitchen, but he might be able to get away with blaming that on the oven.
“Hey,” Eddie says quietly, his hand sliding onto Buck’s lower back. “What’s wrong?”
Buck punches his fist into the dough. “It’s too sticky,” he mutters. “Needs more flour.” He reaches for the jar, but Eddie stops his hand in the air.
“Maybe it’s time for a break.” Eddie tugs at his apron string. “There’s a lot we need to talk about, and I think I’ve let you avoid me long enough.”
A jolt of pure panic shoots down Buck’s spine. He focuses on rolling bits of dough off his fingers, watching as they curl up before falling onto the counter. Eddie is going to tell him he’s leaving again, and he can’t do this… not now, not ever again.
“Buck?”
“You should take the bed,” he blurts out, keeping his eyes trained on the flour-covered counter. “I’ll take the couch. Or I’ll… I’ll move out. I should be working on finding a new place anyway. You probably want your house back, and I can—”
“Hey, slow down.” Eddie’s hand moves to his shoulder, and Buck instinctively turns to face him, although he doesn’t look up. “I said you could stay for as long as you wanted, and I meant that. It’s the least I can do after you gave up your loft for me.”
Questions are bubbling up, but Buck can’t form any of them into actual words. Most of it boils down to begging Eddie to stay, which is something he absolutely cannot do.
Eddie reaches his arms around Buck, his fingers nimbly unknotting the apron strings, and their bodies are so close that Buck swears he can feel the small bump of Eddie’s stomach press into him before Eddie pulls back.
“Let’s sit down,” Eddie says, tossing the apron onto the table.
Buck shakes his head. He can’t handle Eddie being so soft and kind to him when he doesn’t deserve any of it. “I can’t.”
Eddie looks amused. “You can’t sit down?”
Buck tries to swallow, but his throat won’t allow it. Maybe he needs to just rip the band-aid off. “Are you moving back to El Paso?”
The expression on Eddie’s face shifts from amused to concerned, and now he’s just frowning, and… oh God, Buck can’t do this. “You think I came back here just to leave again?”
Buck throws his hands up. “You left all your stuff in Texas, you keep telling me I don’t have to look for a new place, and I heard you told Chim you wouldn’t be coming back to the station.” He pauses, considers. “And I… I saw you.”
Eddie goes very still. “What do you mean you saw me?”
“I saw…” Buck doesn’t finish the sentence, but his eyes drop to Eddie’s stomach, and he can sense the moment Eddie catches on to his meaning. “So I figured you must have met someone in Texas, and I’m… I’m happy for you if you did, but I don’t understand why you didn’t tell me.” The words ache, and he only feels heavier now that he’s said them. Lying to Eddie hurts, but it would be worse if he let the complete truth spill out.
Inexplicably, when Buck looks up again, Eddie is… smiling? Buck feels a surge of irrational anger toward whatever lucky fucker from Texas is the reason for Eddie looking so happy.
“I think it’s my turn to talk now,” Eddie says. He takes Buck’s hands in his, and Buck should pull away, but he’s too selfish to really consider it. “I’m not moving back to El Paso. I hired a moving company to bring the rest of our stuff next week, because I couldn’t wait any longer to come home.”
Relief blooms in Buck’s chest, even though it’s still hard to breathe. “Then why are you letting me stay here?”
“Maybe I like having you around.” Eddie’s thumb presses into the back of his hand. “And maybe I think our baby is happier with both parents close by.”
Buck lets out a strangled gasp, wobbling a bit on his feet. He had thought it could be a possibility — he had hoped — but hearing it from Eddie’s mouth is enough to bowl him over. “So you’re… you are? Really? And it’s…”
Eddie grins. “Couldn’t have said it better myself.” He pulls Buck’s hands to his abdomen, and Buck makes an embarrassingly needy sound as he cradles Eddie’s bump.
“I’m sorry I didn’t tell you sooner,” Eddie whispers, leaning his forehead onto Buck’s shoulder. “I wanted to. I almost called you the minute I found out, but I didn’t know what you would think, and then I convinced myself I shouldn’t tell you until I could do it in person. But our moving date kept getting pushed, and I felt guilty keeping this from you for so long, and I guess I got in my head about it.”
Buck is so happy that he can’t even feel upset about missing the whole first trimester of the pregnancy, although he’s sure he’ll beg to hear every detail later. “But you’re… you’re good? They’re okay?”
Eddie nods, his hands shifting to Buck’s hips and tugging him closer. “We’re good.”
“Does Chris know?”
“Yeah.” Eddie sighs, sounding relieved. “He’s the only one I’ve told until now, and he’s been begging me to tell you.”
“And he knows about…”
“He does,” Eddie confirms. “Actually, the first question he asked after I explained everything to him was if the baby was yours.”
“Oh my God.” Buck laughs, his mind spinning as it tries to keep up. “We’re having a baby.”
“We are,” Eddie murmurs. “And you’re not freaking out.”
“I’m sure that’s coming.” Buck shakes his head incredulously. “But right now I’m just… happy.”
“There’s something else I need to tell you,” Eddie says, sounding hesitant for the first time in the conversation. “I don’t want to stay just friends. If that’s what you want, we’ll figure it out. But I thought you should know that—”
“I’m in love with you,” Buck says, and it’s as easy as breathing. “And for the record, I was not the one who asked if we could stay friends.”
“I know.” Eddie’s grip on him tightens. “But I was leaving, and I had no idea how long I would be gone. I didn’t want to make you wait for me.”
“I would have.” Buck turns to kiss the side of Eddie’s head. “And it’d be worth every minute. But… thank you.”
“I love you, too, by the way. That’s what I was going to say before you cut me off.”
Buck snorts. “Don’t worry. When we tell the story, I’ll make sure everyone knows you were the first to confess your undying love.”
“You better,” Eddie says, nuzzling further into his neck.
They stand there for a moment, and Buck allows himself to soak it all in. He can count on one hand the number of times he’s felt perfectly happy, and he’s not about to take this one for granted.
Eddie loves him, and he’s not leaving, and in a few short months they’re going to have a baby.
“Can I say hi to them?” Buck asks. “I feel like I should introduce myself.”
Eddie laughs, lifting his head to smile at Buck. “Course you can. But I think they already know who you are.”
Buck grins. “Really?”
“They always got so excited when we would talk on FaceTime,” Eddie says. “I’m not even sure how much they can hear yet, but… I don’t know. Maybe they could feel how happy you make me.”
Maybe there is a heaven after all, because Buck is pretty sure no one on Earth is allowed to feel this much joy at one time and survive.
He goes to his knees, barely noticing the dull ache in his bad leg. Eddie tugs up his — Buck’s — sweatshirt, and Buck spreads his hand across Eddie’s stomach.
“Hey little one,” Buck murmurs. “Nice to meet you, officially.”
Eddie sucks in a breath, his hand landing on the back of Buck’s head. “Oh, that was…”
Buck looks up in concern. “Something wrong?”
“No, just…” Eddie gives him a delighted grin. “That was the most I’ve ever felt them move.”
“Oh.” He doesn’t know what else to say. No words seem adequate to describe this feeling — like he’s being ripped open and stitched back together, like lightning has struck a second time and restarted his heart instead of stopping it.
“You’re crying,” Eddie says softly, his fingers stroking across Buck’s cheeks.
“Yeah.” Buck presses feather-light kisses across Eddie’s warm skin. “I always wondered what this would feel like, but I had no idea.” He laughs quietly, blinking back more tears. “Don’t tell Chris. I don’t want him to think I’m picking favorites already.”
Eddie chuckles. “It’ll be good for him. He’s been your favorite for so long I think he’s gotten complacent.”
Buck tilts his face up to look at Eddie. “Is he excited to be a big brother?”
“More excited than I expected, honestly.” Eddie pushes Buck’s curls back from his face. “He’s been working on a plan for everything he wants to teach them as soon as they’re old enough.”
Buck feels fresh tears pricking at his eyes. “God, I love that kid.” He kisses Eddie’s stomach again and whispers, “I love you, too. Can’t wait to learn all about you.”
When he straightens up, Eddie is looking at him like he sees forever there, and Buck will spend the rest of his life figuring out how he got this lucky.
“Can I take you to bed?” Buck asks.
Eddie raises an eyebrow and Buck blushes.
“Not like that. I just… you looked so peaceful earlier, when you were sleeping. And now that I know I can, I want to… look at you.”
In answer, Eddie pulls him in for a deep, languid kiss. There’s heat simmering below it, which Buck knows they will absolutely explore later. But right now, all he wants to do is hold Eddie. He’s also desperate, suddenly, for Chris to come home from school. He wants his whole family here, where they belong.
As if he’s reading his mind, Eddie says, “Do you want to go with me when I pick up Chris in a few hours? We could stop somewhere and get dinner to celebrate.”
“Perfect.” Buck kisses Eddie again and tugs him toward the doorway. “You’re perfect. Chris is perfect. Our baby is perfect. This house is… well, we’ll make it work.”
Eddie smiles. “Yeah. We will.”