Archive of Our Own

Chapter Text

Ragatha is only vaguely aware of why she's in a hospital when she wakes up. She knows, in the same way she knows, somehow, that the woman in the seat next to her is Pomni's older sister, Aera, that she is out of the circus. Even though Ragatha can't remember how she got here, she knows it must have been ages since her body had actual food, so she's not surprised to find that she needs medical attention. That might be the only thing about her current situation that makes sense.

After a moment of Ragatha blinking into awareness, Aera notices she's awake and stands up suddenly.

"Alice!" Aera cries out and Ragatha blinks as something in the back of her brain informs her she's being called Pomni's name. "You're awake!"

"Eonni," Ragatha says, though she's not sure why.

"Mom and Dad were so worried—they told us something looked weird with your MRI, but they couldn't figure out what it was."

Gee, a voice that sounds suspiciously like Jax says inside Ragatha's head. Wonder what that could be.

"I should tell them you're awake." Aera squeezes Ragatha's hand. "What do you need from me before I go?"

"I'm—I'm fine," Ragatha says. "You… You make that call."

"Are you sure?" Aera asks, frowning. Ragatha nods, and tries to give Aera a reassuring smile.

Her tongue feels heavy in her mouth. Her voice is too high, but she's awake enough to realize why that must be. This is the body of Alice So. Ragatha's own body is a corpse by now, starved via starvation due to the unfortunate fact that her conscious mind, the one meant to keep it alive, had been trapped in the circus, and had been unable to communicate enough to find herself food.

That was why Caine had told them there was no escape. Removing someone from their body was hard enough. Getting them back was another task altogether. Even on the off-chance that it could be managed—which it had been, apparently—there was only one of them left who still had a body in a good enough condition that it could be returned to.

What had Pomni said, when she'd found out? "Either all of us get out, or none of us do"? She'd shoved them all out of her exit with her.

Well, this was one way to do it, that was for sure.

Ragatha drifts in and out of consciousness throughout the week, though Pomni's body remains awake without her. She knows because Aera and Pomni's parents reference conversations she can't quite remember, and because of the drawing pad that appears by her bed, already covered in doodles, some of which look very familiar.

It makes her smile when she sees it. Ragatha isn't an artist, but it's a lovely way to be given proof of her friends' existence. So she does her best to doodle her ragdoll-self and writes, "I'm here," next to it.

Underneath all of the doodles is one word: neuroplasticity. Ragatha sees it and immediately thinks of Phineas Gage, a man who had lived years after having a pole shot through his brain, and understands that this is Kinger's way of letting her know that their mind will adjust to the situation, because brains are remarkably adaptable. Ragatha isn't so sure how much she likes being compared to brain damage—and she's certain that story must have come from Kinger as well, because Ragatha hadn't known about Phineas Gage until this moment—but she appreciates the attempt at conversation.

Ragatha hopes that means she'll be able to talk to her friends soon. She's starting to miss them.

More doodles appear the next time Ragatha wakes up. A nurse has started them on some simple physical therapy to help their body recover after being trapped paralyzed in a building for who knows how long, and then forced into a medical coma. The nurse is surprised at how agreeable Ragatha is when it's time for her to stretch. Ragatha assumes that means she's met Jax.

Pomni's parents visit them every day. They make plans for Pomni to move back home and Ragatha nods along politely, unsure how Pomni would respond.

It's nothing like speaking to her own parents. Pomni's mom keeps bringing Ragatha home-made food, insisting she'll never regain the weight she lost on the food the hospital gives her.

"They don't add enough love," Eomma says.

"Or salt," Ragatha agrees.

"Ha!" Eomma snorts. "Child, that's where I keep my love."

Ragatha laughs.

She can't remember her mother ever taking care of her like this. When Ragatha was younger, she had a nanny that cooked for her. Once she became an adult, she was responsible for her own meals. Her mother only cooked for the family on special occasions, like Christmas dinners or parties—and even then, sometimes she would hire someone to cater instead. The most Ragatha's mother cared about what she ate was to restrict her diet when she played softball to ensure she wasn't eating anything too "unhealthy" that would impact her performance.

"I know I'm not as good a cook as Halmeoni, but at least it's something, eh?" Eomma says, nudging Ragatha gently. Ragatha gasps and greedily grabs another meat bun. Pomni's mother's food is so good it brings tears to her eyes every time she takes a bite. If Pomni's grandmother is an even better cook, Ragatha doesn't know if she'll be able to stand it.

"Oh, Eomeoni, no!" Ragatha cries. "This is perfect!"

Eomma looks at her strangely, and Ragatha realizes her mistake. Mother is what Ragatha called her own mom. Alice always speaks with more familiarity than that. It's Eomma, not Eomeoni, and certainly not Eomeonim.

It's strange, how the language translates so seamlessly in her head now, but she can't shake her own dialect. Ragatha wonders if any of the others have made a similar mistake. She opens her mouth, but she's not sure how to apologize. What do you say when you treat someone with too much respect? Will Eomma assume her daughter's drifting away?

Ragatha clears her throat.

"Thanks, Eomma," she says. Maybe if she keeps talking, Pomni's mother will assume it was a fluke. "I'm really glad I have you taking care of me."

Eomma smiles and kisses Ragatha's forehead. Ragatha hopes she knows she means it.

At some point, Pomni's phone appears near Ragatha, as well as a note with the passcode. There's a note about meditation next to it, but Ragatha ignores it and unlocks the phone to search the name Annabelle Andrea Keven.

The first article she finds says that the police found her body in an abandoned building, along with four others. There's a statement from a coworker, who calls her Andy—the name she preferred—and a comment from her mother, who calls her Annabelle—a name she's always hated. Her mother says that Ragatha never called her, so she didn't realize right away that she went missing, and describes her as "very independent."

"By now, I assumed the worst must have happened," Ragatha's mother says in the article. "But at least now I finally have a body I can bury."

Annabelle Andrea Keven was thirty years old when she died. She will be remembered by her parents, and her cousins, of which she has many. None of them ever went to look for her.

Ragatha continues to scroll, even though the article has stopped talking about her and moved onto the other victims. She knows they must be the other circus members, but can only put a name to a face based on context. There's a picture of a girl named Zoe in a McDonald's uniform, which Ragatha assumes must be Gangle, meaning the darker-skinned person with long dreads called Xio must be Zooble. There's only two men. A man named Mikhail is wearing a C&A nametag in his picture which… Ragatha decides to process later. Kinger had implied he'd worked for the company that trapped them, but had never actually confirmed it. The last photo is somehow more distracting, which is funny because it's just the photo of a long-limbed teenager from a high school yearbook.

It makes Ragatha's heart hurt a bit.

She knows he's in his early twenties now—and will be forever now, she supposes, since they're all dead—but it strikes her suddenly how young some of her friends are. And how lonely he must have been before the circus, if that's the best picture they have of him. She's about to read the name, when she hears a voice in her head shout, "No!"

Ragatha blinks and rubs her eyes.

"That's not my name," the voice babbles. "Don't call me that! Don't you—don't you dare call me that! I'm Jax! My name is Jax!"

"Jax?" Ragatha whispers. A feeling of surprise that doesn't feel like her own washes over her.

"… Ragatha?" Jax says. Ragatha blinks back tears.

"You're here," she says. She rubs her eyes. "You're really—you're really here!"

A few different emotions wash through Ragatha. Surprise, delight, and fondness. Ragatha isn't sure which belong to her, and which belong to Jax.

"Well, geez, Raggy," Jax says, and Ragatha can feel the eyeroll in it. "I wasn't going to let you have all the fun without me!"

"You jerk," Ragatha says. She sniffles, surprised at how much she missed him. Maybe a part of her is just glad for actual proof she's not alone.

The first thing Ragatha says when she becomes aware of Pomni is to apologize for stealing her body.

"Don't be sorry," Pomni thinks at her. "I wanted you guys with me. I don't know how I'd manage any of this on my own."

Pomni writes that down in a notebook so that everyone else knows, too. Jax asks how sure she is that they're not just figments of her imagination. Pomni responds that she's certain a figment wouldn't be annoying enough to pass for the real thing.

"So I'm irreplaceable," Jax thinks, smugly. Pomni doesn't rise to the bait.

"Of course you are," she replies. "You all are."

It's still strange sharing a body, of course. But it's not scary. Maybe it'd be different if she felt more like Alice, still, but that name feels a lifetime away. Even when she imagines herself, Pomni imagines more of an amalgam of her body and her circus-self, something she knows the others have a problem with as well—except for Jax, who only imagines himself as a rabbit, and never anything human.

Pomni doesn't think she can be Alice anymore, really. How are you supposed to pretend to be a normal woman when it feels like just yesterday she was running around shooting guns without having to worry about actually getting hurt? How does someone go from living in a world without death, a world where you can be in any situation you can imagine with the snap of a finger, to just… being an accountant? Pomni's not so strong that she can shake off the insanity she lived through with a few weeks of bedrest. She's grateful for whatever Jax and Kinger have told her family, because Pomni has no idea what she would say if left to her own devices.

Alice would have told her parents about the circus. They always shared big secrets like that. You couldn't fight a problem if you didn't ask for help, after all. And problems got solved so much quicker when you had a team.

Except.

"If you tell your parents about us, they'll lock you up in a loony bin," Jax says.

Pomni rolls her eyes. They wouldn't do that.

But, still, something tells her that it's better to stay quiet for now. They want to think their child is healthy, and in recovery, and Pomni wants to give them that for now. She'll move back home, and apply to jobs close by, so her parents won't worry what she's getting up to without them. She'll buy new clothes to fit her new, slightly emaciated form, start going on walks to regain her strength, and find a new, safe, indoor hobby that will keep her far away from any abandoned buildings and whatever secrets they might hide. It's not fun work, but it's human. And Pomni very much needs something to make her feel human before she ends up convinced that she's just some digital copy that had the good fortune to find her original's body and hitch a ride.

Can she even prove that this is her original body, for that matter?

Maybe she's a clone all the way through. How would she know if she wasn't? Animals were cloned all the time. Well, okay not all the time—but it was feasible! Surely, a company like C&A, which could make a machine that could trap your mind in a game, had some technology that could recreate a body. Maybe she wasn't even flesh, and just an advanced robot that managed to fool the hospital.

"A robot wouldn't have taste buds," Jax says, surprisingly gentle. A memory of Kinger talking about digital food flashes through Pomni's head. Pomni appreciates the effort, but her thoughts are still making her feel sick. She rustles through the notebook she'd been using to communicate and reads through, hoping for a distraction.

Kinger's left a very carefully worded note that says he's going to find a way to bring his wife back, and that he'd appreciate the help of the other members of the circus. Below his note is a series of surprised scribbles.

Are you saying you actually want to go BACK to that stupid place??-J

Look… I get wanting to go back for someone you love, but are you sure getting her out is even possible? And if it is… isn't that just forcing Pomni to get another voice in her head?-Z

Maybe now that we're out we can find some information we didn't have before? I mean, we have the internet now! We shouldn't assume that the way we did things is the only way to get something done!-R

Yeah, right. What makes Kinger's wife so special? If we're going back for her, what about everyone else? You think you're going to be able to open the cellar and not have all the other abstractions running into Pomni's brain and turning it into a monster playground?-J

Pomni winces at the thought. Still… in a weird way, Jax is right. Why shouldn't all of the other abstractions get a chance to be free? It had been Kaufmo's desperate search for the exit that had done him in, after all. Now that Pomni found one, could she really deny him the one thing he cared about?

"We've got to do something about your hero complex," Jax tells her. His voice is even clearer than usual, and he's thinking so strongly about a frog-like player that Pomni can hear their laugh echo in their head. As soon as she does, she can feel Jax pushing her out.

Hesitantly, Pomni picks up a pencil.

"I think I want to save everyone," she writes. "If it's possible."

Jax is silent.

"You've already done the impossible letting us in," Ragatha jokes. Pomni can feel her worry mix with Pomni's own apprehension. She can sense that Ragatha knows something about Jax's discomfort Pomni does not, but Pomni won't push. "I'm sure we can find some way to rescue the others, too!"

After existing so long as a chess piece, Kinger finds himself adapting surprisingly easily to having the body of a small Korean woman. Honestly, he thinks part of it is that he's just happy to be human. The more pressing thing on his mind is making sense of the few facts he's learned since regaining consciousness.

Fact one: all humans who had been around for Pomni's exit had left the circus with her.

Fact two: their bodies had been found, but no one else's had. A full sweep of the building had been conducted by the police, and as far as anyone was aware, they were the only victims. Which of course, led him to a third conclusion—

Fact three: someone was hiding something.

Either the police had been lying, and had been paid off by C&A—but how would the company know which bodies to remove? Why only them?—or something about the circus system itself had spit them out. Both options felt a bit too convenient, which made Kinger suspect that there's something bigger going on. It was a long shot, but there was a chance that the bodies the police found had never belonged to them at all—after all, it wasn't like Kinger had gotten the chance to verify that it was his own corpse they had found and not a fake.

The police had questioned Pomni while Kinger had been awake, and Kinger had done his best to answer in a vague-yet accurate way, but it hadn't helped him glean much insight into the matter. All the police had said was that it had seemed that there had been no signs of life aside from Pomni, and Kinger had told them that made sense, because he hadn't seen any human bodies aside from Pomni's, either. A representative at C&A had given a statement, claiming that since the building had been abandoned, they weren't responsible for whatever disasters happened inside. Though, they were willing to pay for Alice's medical bills as a gesture of goodwill.

It's hard to tell how much the company knows. Things being as they are, it's possible that everyone involved has moved on to different things. Well, everyone involved that isn't still abstracted in Caine's cellar.

For now, the most important thing is to learn how to live together. The others were, naturally, apprehensive about being too obvious talking to each other using the hospital drawing pad which could be spied on by anyone, but moving into Pomni's childhood bedroom offers them the opportunity to work things out without having to worry about prying eyes.

Kinger leaves notes about what he does during the day and offers suggestions for meditation techniques and therapy tools meant to mitigate dissociation, but even with all of them doing their best to reach out, they can only manage to get up to three conscious at the same time. And sometimes not even for very long. The memories do begin to bleed through, though, which is a bit of a relief, even if it also does get confusing at times. It's clear that Pomni's parents had been worried that the gaps between them all might be a sign of potential brain damage or some similar neurological decline. They're very nice people. Kinger hopes that their ability to share like this will put her parents at ease.

It's strange to speak with them. They're only a few years older than himself, and yet he's being babied like a child. They insist upon doing everything for him, saying that a girl in his position shouldn't be forced to fend for himself. Since Kinger has never been anyone's daughter before, he doesn't know how to argue. He knows Ragatha has been insisting that they'll never feel better if they don't keep their body moving, and Pomni has complained it'll just stress her out to see her parents act like her maids, but Kinger has never been the best at arguing with people as forceful as Eomma. Mostly, he takes this free time as an opportunity to research—about the human mind, about their situation, about C&A—about anything that he thinks might help. It feels like such a relief to be so clear-headed after years of walking around in a fog of confusion. Sure, the fog comes back now and then, but it's still a gift Kinger never expected to be given. The fact that he's unable to stay conscious sometimes while the others are awake seems like a fair trade-off.

He hates that he knows he'll still go back to the old C&A building, regardless of what the others think. He's sure some of them would rather burn it to the ground than look at Caine's computer again, but his wife is still in there. And no matter how time has changed her, Kinger knows he cannot live life without her.

With permission from the others, Kinger begins filling out a new notebook, filled with everything he knows. He scrolls through old forums and watches interviews of C&A products. There's an episode of a true-crime show about Ragatha's disappearance. He listens to that, too, but all it tells him is that Ragatha was supposed to be in charge of selling the property before she disappeared—though, strangely, the police had looked through the building, and found no sign of her body. So why had it appeared after Ragatha herself left with Pomni?

"It kind of sounds like the start of a ghost story," Gangle comments as Kinger writes up a short summary of the episode in his notes. "Sorry for eavesdropping, I just, um, find spooky things like that kind of interesting."

Kinger pauses mid-sentence.

"It is interesting, isn't it?" he agrees. "Almost like the building itself is alive."

"I was thinking that, too!" Gangle gasps. "Do you think it's haunted…? Or maybe it's just Caine…"

Kinger finishes writing his notes, then adds another sentence underneath it.

• Is Caine an AI for the computer, or for the entire building?

"Spitting us out like that seems a bit cruel for him," Kinger admits. "But, well… You never know."

"Maybe it was an accident?" Gangle suggests. "Or maybe he had to. Do you think a part of us was still in those bodies somehow before this?"

Kinger thinks about it. It's true that the human brain is one of the best processors around. And just because their bodies lacked nutrients didn't necessarily mean their brains did. Did Caine have access to enough power to simulate their nerves as long as they kept the headsets on? Obviously, the data that made up their personalities had to have been stored somewhere—and the circus already required so much storage as it was to keep the simulation functional. Kinger had already assumed there was something strange about the headsets—Pomni's body had lived for an entire month without food or water—she wouldn't have survived without some kind of intervention—but Kinger hadn't thought about what that might imply about his own body.

"It's… possible," Kinger admits. "That still doesn't explain where our bodies were being kept, but it's a very interesting theory. I think we should look more into it. Thank you for the suggestion, Gangle."

"O-oh." Gangle makes their body blush. "Um, I'm happy I could help. I don't really know a lot about this stuff. I just watch a lot of anime."

"When you're searching for solutions, a creative mind is half the battle," Kinger replies. Gangle giggles.

"Um… do you think," Gangle begins. Kinger can feel her hesitation and knows what question she'll ask before she finishes her sentence. "Do you think there's a way for us to get our own bodies, then? Pomni's parents are nice and all but I… miss my mom and dad."

An image of two adults flash through Kinger's mind. A woman with dark hair like Gangle's, and dark circles under her eyes, standing next to a curly-haired man that makes her look tiny in comparison. Gangle must have gotten her height from her father. He's fairly certain she's about six feet tall. Or was, anyway.

"I don't know," Kinger admits. He tries to say it as gently as possible, but with their emotions bleeding into each other, he knows she can feel his pity. "I think… if we have the technology to allow us to transfer minds, then we must be able to leave Pomni's body for another. But I don't know how risky that'll be, or… Or if there's anywhere left for us to transfer our minds into."

"Yeah," Gangle says. She doesn't sound as upset as he thought she would. "Okay. That makes sense. I just… I wish I could tell them I was okay, you know?"

"I understand," Kinger says, but really, the only person who would have missed him would be his wife, and she's—

"I'm sorry," Gangle says. Kinger blinks, realizing she's read his thoughts and shakes his head. It's a strange feeling, to only have half a conversation and still be completely understood.

"It's fine," he says. "I've been gone for a long time. I hadn't even thought about getting out in years. I suppose a part of me started thinking I'd been gone too long to rejoin society successfully. Though I suppose we'll still have to wait to find out if that's true."

"But do you like it?"

"Hm?"

"Being back, I mean," Gangle explains. "Are you glad you're here?"

"I am." Kinger doesn't even have to think about it. "I missed feeling the sun."

There were so many sensations that the circus tried to replicate, but could only manage halfway. Everything tastes so much stronger now. Spices tingle in his tongue in a way they never could before. The breeze caressed his cheeks in a way that would have been too subtle for anyone to code. He hadn't realized how much he missed it until he felt it. He loves being Alice, because it allows him to feel these things. It's hard to think of any discomfort he might be feeling from how different this body is from his original one when every day still feels like a beautiful gift.

"Good!" Gangle says. "I'm glad you're here with us, too. I don't think it'd be the same without you."

"I'd certainly hate to be at the circus all on my own," Kinger agrees, then feels a stab of pity for Caine, who must be all alone now. He feels a flash of annoyance from Gangle, then understanding.

"He wasn't really good at making adventures," she says. "But he was trying his best."

Kinger wonders what he's doing without them.

Jax is buying bras with Aera. It's a completely normal activity between two sisters, and Alice's chest shrank a bit on account of the whole malnutrition thing, so it makes sense that they'd have to get around to it eventually. And it wouldn't make sense for Jax to protest, because it's not like there's anything else going on in her life now—and since Jax has a girl's body now, it totally makes sense for her to change pronouns to match that. Jax has been mostly just using sports bras, but has some vague memories from the girls and even Zooble about how this all works, so she's sure she can manage without trying to summon one of the others, which she wouldn't even know how to do, anyway. So it's not weird that she's going bra shopping. And she's not weird for wanting to do it. She's just… doing something her body needs to get done!

It's a completely normal thing for a guy to do. Not that it matters, because it's not like anyone knows she's a guy, anyway. Except for, y'know. Pomni. And Zooble. And everyone else she's sharing this body with.

Jax feels a rush of shame at the thought of taking over Pomni's body for something like this. Maybe it'd be one thing if she'd had a girlfriend or something before the circus, but the only time Jax had seen a bra of a girl her age was when that girl's boyfriend had stuffed it in Jax's bag to make fun of how girly she was, and Jax hadn't really focused too much on what it had looked like back then. It made her feel like some sweaty virgin trying to take advantage of a situation to get her rocks off. Though part of that is because her palms are actually getting pretty sweaty right now. Jax wipes them on her pants.

"Do you want to get an employee to measure you?" Aera asks.

"Hm?" Jax thinks about a stranger pressing a measuring tape to her bare chest and winces. "I think I'll just… try and go a size down."

Aera nods like she'd been expecting that answer. No surprise. Pomni probably wouldn't have wanted a stranger getting too handsy with her, either. She stands still for a moment, and Jax realizes Aera's waiting for her to pick something out. Shit. What was a normal bra to wear as a girl?

… All of them, obviously. They're in Victoria's Secret. It's literally the bra store. Even Jax knows that.

Jax can't help but gravitate towards purple. Aera tells her to pick a few different sizes to see what feels best, so she does, picking out one with what seems like a respectable amount of support and then hesitantly picking up a push-up bra. Aera snorts at that. Jax immediately drops it in surprise, but she just seems amused.

"Got to make up for what you lost, I guess," Aera jokes. Oh. She's just surprised that Alice would wear one. This isn't about her at all. Jax laughs and grabs the bra again.

"Got to, if I want to use any of my feminine wiles," Jax replies, wiggling her eyebrows. Aera laughs harder at that.

"Trying to see if you can seduce your way into a new job?" Aera asks. "Because I think you'd have better luck with that if you actually wore some make-up, too."

"I'm appealing to a specific crowd," Jax protests, though she can't help but glance at a nearby stand of lip gloss. Aera shakes her head and walks towards it, picking out a somewhat dark shade of red.

"Here," Aera says, placing it in Jax's hand. "This'll probably look good on you. All I ask is that you don't become someone's sexy secretary."

"Even if it pays really well?" Jax asks, though she knows Pomni would never joke like this. Aera raises an eyebrow in surprise.

"You deserve better than having a job where all you do all day is pay attention to a man," Aera settles on. Jax shrugs. Fair enough. Pomni would probably find that pretty distasteful. Jax, of course, would hate any job that requires her to listen to anyone at all, which is why she's so glad she hasn't been the one sending out resumes.

She looks down at the lip gloss in her hand. It does look like a nice color. Jax feels weird about having an opinion on it. Aera snatches it out of Jax's hand.

"I'll hold onto this while you try on everything," she says. "I'll buy it for you once you're done."

"I still have money, you know," Jax says, because she knows Pomni would, and because this kindness is already almost more than she can handle.

"But I have an income," Aera retorts. She pinches Jax's cheek, which feels familiar and over-familiar all at once—Jax's other family had never been so affectionate. "Let me treat you this once, okay, Ally?"

Jax nods and heads to one of the dressing rooms. She takes off her shirt and stares at the bras. Nothing Jax had picked out was overly frilly or feminine or anything like that, but she still couldn't help but hesitate. There hadn't been too many times where Jax was in charge of dressing the body, but everything she picked was already Alice's clothes. Buying something for herself is different. It's making a choice. Something that shows a want and a desire that Jax is pretty sure she's not allowed to have. It'd be one thing if the decision had been made by Pomni, but…

Jax can feel bile rising in the back of her throat. She feels sick and exposed, but she can't put her shirt back on, because Aera is expecting her to put on these stupid bras, and if Jax doesn't she'll have to come up with an excuse as to why, and Jax is supposed to be a normal girl right now, so how the hell is she supposed to explain that the longer she stands here, the more she feels like she's about to be caught?

They were all right about her. Her parents were right about her. She is sick. She must be, because even with all this, there's still a part of her that desperately wants to try these stupid things on. They're not anything special, either. It's not like she's buying lingerie. These are normal bras that Pomni could wear to work if she wanted to. Barely anything to get excited over. It's just—She just—

She's here with her sister. And maybe Aera isn't her sister, not really, but… She'd always… she'd always wanted someone who could help teach her how to be a girl like this.

Jax starts fumbling with the straps as Aera knocks on the door.

"Coma didn't make your hands too clumsy for this, did it?" she asks gently. "Want me to come in?"

"Please." Jax scoffs, though she's shaking. "I'm not thirteen anymore. I know what I'm doing."

"Jamae," Aera says. Jax lets her hands flap down to her sides.

"Eonnie," she says, a bit miserable.

"Will you let me in?" Aera asks. Jax considers her options. The part of her brain that's blended with Pomni's remembers Aera helping her pick out her first bra, and sneaking her chocolate during her periods. Jax remembers Pomni being nervous because she had never been that girly, anyway, and she always tried to avoid the bra sections of clothing stores because they felt too grown-up for her at the time, and Jax knew if any of the boys from school saw her, they would take it as a sign they'd always been right about—

Jax shakes her head. She must be getting too used to being Alice. The memories are starting to jumble together now. But that means she knows Aera, and knows her sister would never make fun of her, even though her behavior is extremely un-Alice-like right now. Jax hides behind the door so no one outside can see her as Aera slips in and closes it behind her.

"I'm sorry," Jax says, and she doesn't know if she's apologizing because she thinks Pomni would, or because of her own feelings now. Aera shakes her head and fixes the clip on the bra Jax had half-gotten on, then goes on to adjust the straps.

"Not too bad," Aera says with a nod. "Guess you didn't lose too much weight in the important areas."

The absurdity of the statement makes Jax laugh. Sure, she might look like a malnourished child and be half-insane from a few lifetimes being shoved into one brain, but at least her boobs came out of this mess relatively okay. Really, what's more important than that?

"Guess I have some hope getting that secretary position after all," Jax jokes. Aera rolls her eyes fondly.

"Purple is a good color on you," she says. "You look cute."

The gentleness of her tone gives Jax an absurd desire to confess everything.

I'm sorry, she thinks. You don't have to comfort me. I'm not really your sister. I'm just some weirdo that can't leave her body. You can stop pretending to care now. I'll be fine without it. I've always been the only one I could depend on. Don't offer to help if you'll just leave once you find out who I really am. I wasn't meant to get used to having a family.

Acting like this is now only going to hurt us both.

"Thanks," Jax says, instead. "I think so, too."

The next time Pomni's awake, she thanks Jax for choosing something for them, but says nothing else about it.

Jax isn't sure what else she expected.

Kinger tries to convince Pomni to get a job at C&A, but there's not too many positions for accountants, especially not close by.

"It's too bad we can't show them your programming degree," Pomni jokes.

"Well," Kinger says. "You could claim to be self-taught. So much of programming is just numbers, anyway. And you've already proven to be pretty good at math."

Pomni isn't sure how well that'll go down. She's anxious enough as it is at the thought of someone like Jax or Gangle being thrust into the driver's seat at whatever new position they find and being completely unable to finish the work assigned. Even though they share some knowledge, it's a great deal different than being comfortable putting it into practice. She knows some of the others worry that they've made her unemployable, but honestly, Pomni finds it hard to think of as some great loss. Sure, she was a good accountant. She made good money at her job. But it'd never been her passion. That was part of what had made her go urban exploring, honestly. She just… wanted to find a part of herself that hadn't been created for other people. She wouldn't say exploring abandoned buildings was her passion either, but she enjoyed the research she put into the videos she made. She never really found the time to branch out more than that.

It's a bit of a surprise to all of them that Zooble's the one who finally lands them a job. It's something Pomni is a bit overqualified for, but the gap in her employment history probably evens it out a bit. She never expected to work at a radio station, but Pomni likes her new co-workers, and all of the music recommendations they have for her. Some of them are more Zooble's taste than Pomni's, which is probably part of the reason Zooble ends up being the one going into work most days.

They've been getting better at telling when a switch is coming on now that they aren't constantly blacking out. There's a feeling almost like a tug from the back of her brain, and Pomni imagines herself opening a door to let someone else through. Sometimes, if Pomni concentrates hard enough, she can imagine one of the others on the other side, and they'll wake up enough to talk to her. She thinks with enough practice, they might be able to switch back and forth on purpose.

For now, Zooble keeps apologizing for taking over. Pomni thinks it's a bit funny. When has anyone ever wanted to work more? Besides, Pomni would never have gotten this job if it weren't for Zooble. If Zooble wants to be the one to deal with the consequences of that, far be it from Pomni to stop them.

Zooble insists they haven't done anything special.

"When you go into a new field, you have to start back up from zero," they say. "I guess that makes a lot of people scared to try something new. But the time's going to pass anyway, right?"

The only thing that makes Zooble uncomfortable is the fact that everyone thinks they're a girl. It doesn't always feel like the wrong word to describe them, but it's wrong often enough to make it feel like a persistent itch. Kinger claims to be too unused to being human to have a strong opinion on gender, and Jax has very intentionally gone quiet every time the subject comes up which just adds to their frustration. Buying a binder doesn't feel worth it if only one of them will use it, though Pomni assures Zooble none of them would mind—it's just money, anyway.

There's also the fact that Zooble's original body had been a great deal darker than Pomni's. They admit that they kept getting jump-scared by the shade of their skin for the first few weeks. They still haven't gotten used to having two flesh legs, either. They feel strangely naked without a prosthetic.

"Everyone used to be so surprised to hear I'm Dominican," Zooble says. "I know it's because they think I'm 'too dark' to be latino. But now no one's going to believe it for a completely different reason. I don't know. I guess it doesn't matter now. It just feels like I just have to keep justifying myself to everyone, except… no one even knows who I am now. It's just you guys. And all of you probably still picture me with a pink head. But to everyone out there—everyone who knew me as Xio—I'm just another statistic. Just one of the many brown queers no one cared enough to find until it was too late. At least since they found my body with Ragatha and Jax, my parents probably don't think it was a hate crime."

"Hey, I'm latino, too!" Jax interjects. "It's not my fault my skin's the color of sour cream."

"You know it's not the same thing," Zooble says.

"I know Pomni's parents aren't going to make me alfajores," Jax shoots back. No one points out that Jax's parents rarely made her anything.

"… Yeah," Zooble says after a small pause. "Man, I miss dulce de leche."

"I could make it for you?" Pomni offers. "I mean… I haven't baked cookies since college, but once that's done, it's basically just three more steps, right?"

"Which of our memories are you getting that information from?" Zooble asks. They'd never made any on their own, but as soon as they ask, they know Jax's family had a recipe Jax still remembers. They also know that it doesn't taste like the alfajores Zooble's friend had made for them. "Yeah, sorry Pomni. I don't know if you're going to be able to make one we both enjoy."

"Yeah, I figured," Pomni says. "There's not much of a chance I find the right brand for everything—if you guys even used the same one—but if this is permanent, there's going to be a lot of things we have to make compromises on. I mean, I kind of doubt that all of us have the same taste in partners, and it's not like we can just tell people that there's more than one of us inside here, so you're all probably going to have to get used to being Alice… I guess it's just. There's so many things we're going to have to be one person for. Why not celebrate the differences between us when we're alone?"

Zooble responds with a mental head shake.

"I don't know how you're so cool with this," they say. "We're all stuck inside your head, and all you're thinking is just—'Gee, that's going to be inconvenient if one of us wants to date someone!' I mean—this is your body! Shouldn't you be making the decisions like that? You were here first! We're not going to get mad if you claim seniority on something, you know."

"… But if I do that, how is living like this any different than being in the circus?" Pomni replies. There's a cluster of complicated emotions coming from her, too knotted together for Zooble to get a proper read on. "I don't want you to be trapped in here with me. I want us to work together to figure this out. Everything we've done, the only way we've actually made progress on anything is by doing it as a team. Is it really that hard to believe I think we can do the same out here?"

"Geez, did you accidentally absorb the personality of Twilight Sparkle or something on your way out?" Jax jokes. "You're really preaching the power of friendship now."

"Shut up," Zooble says, mostly on instinct. "Pomni, you're not Caine. You actually understand boundaries. You always ask how we feel to make sure you don't go too far. Having some opinions on what we do here or how we interact with the people you've known your entire life—that's normal. You're not forcing us into doing anything. But you know this life better than any of us. We're going to trust you if you tell us it's not a good idea to do something."

"I'm not so sure how true that is, anymore," Pomni admits. "I thought I knew who I was here. I was so desperate to get back, but now…"

"It's because of us," Jax says, sounding strangely timid. "We're probably messing with your memories. It's making everyone look like strangers."

"Sure," Pomni says, in a way that doesn't sound very sure at all. "Yeah. I guess we'll go with that."

"I—didn't think that highly of my folks," Jax offers. "I know Rags didn't either. It's probably screwing you up to have two different heads full of—of memories like that in a home like yours. Sorry."

Zooble hadn't expected Jax to say it out loud. Even though Jax continues to do her best to block the link between them all, things still slip through. They wouldn't be surprised if she's right about that. Zooble has done their best to be polite and casual with Pomni's parents, but there was always an underlying anxiety to the interactions. They couldn't help but be worried about being found out. It's a pretty natural worry, considering their situation, Zooble thinks, but… they also know it's an anxiety Jax had in every conversation with her parents before, too.

"I think…" Pomni says carefully. "I'm just… scared that someone's going to turn out to be an NPC."

Zooble's hit with a vision of Gummigoo bursting into confetti.

"Oh, Pomni," they say, because what else do you say when the friend who's life you're taking is worried about her loved ones getting ripped away from her again?

Zooble gets a flash of another memory. Pomni, four years old, sniffling into her older sister's shirt at a grocery store, still recovering from having been lost only moments ago. She's afraid if she lets go of Aera, she'll get lost again and she won't know how to find her way back to her family, so she grips the fabric as tight as her small hands will allow. She won't feel safe until she's strapped in her parents' car, ready to go home.

The memory makes Zooble miss their own parents, but they push the feeling down. It's not a productive use of their time to yearn for something they can't have.

Honestly, the scariest part is that they think they could get their parents to believe it. They'd always been pretty realistic people, but they still believed in an afterlife. Even if they couldn't convince them the circus was real, there's a chance they can convince their parents that some part of them stuck around, but they know that's not a guarantee.

And going back to them… arriving at their door, begging them to believe they're the child who's body they put in the ground… Even if they do believe, it'll take some time. And that means being prepared to get turned away. Zooble doesn't think they're strong enough to go home twice.

Which, Zooble thinks, is probably the reason Alice's parents still don't know who they are, either.

They end up cooking together on their day off. Usually, Pomni and her parents rotate the cooking duties between the three of them, or base it on who comes home first, but Pomni's not the best cook, and it's clear her mother is surprised by her sudden desire to when Pomni announces her intentions for the evening.

"Is there someone you're making this for?" Eomma asks.

"Yes," Zooble thinks. "Me."

Pomni bites her lip to keep from smiling.

"Not really," she says. "It's just… something a friend told me they really liked. I want to see what all the fuss is about."

"So you've never had it before, and you're going to make it home-made?" Eomma puts a hand on her hip. "How are you even going to know you've made it right?"

"Well, actually, I've got some pretty hard to please judges sitting inside of me," Pomni thinks. Out loud, she says, "I'm sure as long as I follow the recipe, I'll at least have an idea. I've been looking for a new hobby, anyway."

Before, she'd usually get too caught up in work to bother making anything herself. If it saved time to get something pre-made, then Pomni would buy it.

"That might be a good idea," Eomma says thoughtfully. "Maybe if you make enough bread, your arms will gain some muscles from kneading the dough."

Pomni scoffs at that, though her mom has a point. Jax's already made fun of her for struggling to open a bag of chips. Even though they've regained some weight, their body still feels painfully weaky at times.

"Well, you're welcome to try it once I'm done," Pomni says. "Even if it doesn't taste authentic."

Jax doesn't actually want to make alfajores. She's not interested in remembering the past, she says. The comment makes her remember the sting of her mother's hand slapping her cheek, even though Eomma has never. It's enough for her to kind of understand what's going on, the same way she kind of understands why Jax's changed her pronouns. Nothing's been said directly, but when has Jax ever wanted to talk about herself?

Anyway, that's why Pomni's making bollitos de yuca for Zooble instead.

The yuca had been the only unusual ingredient on the list, which made it fairly easy to shop for. She'd also bought dulce de leche while she was out—Jax had advised her to put on pancakes for "discount panqueques,"—and after trying it, she completely understood why both her and Zooble had missed the taste so much.

The bollito recipe Pomni finds is simple, which is a relief, because Pomni is, as she previously mentioned, not a great cook. Neither is Gangle, ironically enough. She claims her skills only involve the ability to fry something, which is another reason Pomni went for bollitos over the other snacks Zooble had suggested. Between the two of them, Pomni's sure they could make something that resembled the actual dish—since it was a gift for Zooble, Pomni hadn't wanted them to be the one to cook it. She's not sure if Ragatha or Kinger is the best cook between all of them, but even though Ragatha had offered her assistance, Pomni really wanted to be the one to make the dish.

And she can do it. Probably.

Step one's boiling the yuca. Pomni has cooked potatoes before, so she's reasonably certain she can do this.

… How cooked is "cooked until 'tender'"?

"You are a disaster of a woman," Jax tells her affectionately.

"I'm a math person!" Pomni insists. "I like clear instructions!"

"Just get it soft enough that you can mash it," Zooble says. "It's going to take a little bit. Just think about it like mashed potatoes."

"You've never made mashed potatoes?" Jax exclaims, surprised. Pomni frowns as she puts the yuca in the pot. Jax had heard her thought before Pomni had even finished thinking it.

"Do I look like someone who has made mashed potatoes?" Pomni demands.

"Not even while you were sick or hungover or something?" Zooble asks.

"Um, no, that's when I make instant noodles like a responsible adult," Pomni says.

"I've made mashed potatoes…" Gangle puts in shyly. "I can take over if you want, Pomni."

Pomni hesitates. She knows Gangle wants to do something for her… whatever she and Zooble were to each other—Pomni's pretty sure they aren't dating, but she imagines they would be if they weren't trapped in the same body, and Pomni's not sure what she can do to give them the nudge they need—but if Pomni's honest with herself, part of the reason she wants to do this is as an apology. The circus wasn't perfect, but Pomni had given them all false hope for a future where they could all return to the lives they left behind. And not just once—multiple times, Pomni had been convinced she'd found a way out of the circus. And each time, the exit she'd thought she found wasn't what it seemed. It felt especially cruel to force Zooble to be Alice, because Pomni knew they had done this already. They had come out before, found a name that fit them, adjusted their body to match, and then they'd been trapped in the circus and forced into the cycle all over again.

"Pomni, you don't have to keep apologizing for saving us," Zooble says. "We all wanted to get out. Well—most of us, anyway."

"I'm not mad about being in this body," Jax admits. She wouldn't have pressed the red button if she knew this was how she'd get out. Pomni presses her lips together.

"We're going to make you talk about that one day," Zooble says, reading Pomni's mind.

"I miss my parents," Gangle says. "But I was really scared I'd get out and I wouldn't have Zooble. Now I know we can stay together no matter what happens. And after all we've been through, they're really important to me. I think… I think I'm okay with some people not knowing me if I have them. Oh, the yuca's done."

On instinct, Gangle shuts off the burner and drains the water before immediately handing control back to Pomni, who blinks in surprise.

"I didn't know you could do that," Pomni says.

"Neither did I," Gangle admits. They both stare down at Alice's hands. "I guess I'm just… starting to think of this as my body more? It feels like… like working together like this is how I'm supposed to be."

Gangle starts to mash the yuca. Pomni measures out the butter and milk and adds it in after. She sprinkles in parsley and salt. As she waits for it to cool down, Pomni feels a hesitant wiggling in the back of her mind and starts to make room for Zooble, who chops up the cheese. Gangle grabs a piece and sticks it inside a small ball she forms with the mixture they've made.

"Wow," Pomni says. She's not sure how to describe the feeling this is giving her. They feel like a completed formula. They're a quilt blanket that's finally been sewn together. A mixed drink, ready to be served. "Jax?"

Jax reaches out her hand, and Pomni gets a flash of—something that makes Jax take an internal step back.

"Nah," she says. "You girls have fun. If I try and get involved, we're going to get all weird and confused like Kinger."

"Jax," Pomni says. "This is your body now. It's not weird if you use it."

For some reason, that makes Pomni tear up. She rubs her eyes and cracks an egg, letting Gangle take charge to dip the balls in and coat them in flour.

"You can't give me your body like that," Jax says. "What if I don't give it back?"

"I don't think you'd do that," Pomni replies.

"You sure?" Jax demands. "You know me. I'm pretty selfish. Aren't you even a little worried what I want to do with it?"

Pomni puts the bollitos away to cool and rolls her eyes before going to her room and closing the door.

She takes her top off.

"Pomni, what—"

"This is your body," Pomni says. She raises her hands and grabs her breasts. "These are your boobs. This is your hands on your boobs."

"No, they're not!" Jax practically shrieks inside their brain.

"You're right, they're my hands on Pomni's boobs." Zooble gives their chest a squeeze which makes Pomni giggle. "… You're seriously cool with this?"

"I am," Pomni affirms. "And if you and Gangle ever want to, you know… I'm fine with that, too."

"You shouldn't—" Jax sounds angry at her now. "You shouldn't let other people use you like that."

"But it's not other people," Pomni says. "It's you."

"Pomni, as much as I appreciate the offer, I'm not sure thinking about your body like this is… healthy," Zooble says.

Pomni sighs and puts her shirt back on.

"I know," she says. "I just. It's not really my body, is it? We all went to the same physical therapy to help get us back on our feet. We've all fed it and gone to work in it. It's… it's not what I had planned for my life. Maybe it's not super healthy that I'm thinking of myself more as Pomni than Alice, but I'd rather be part of a group of people trying to make life work instead of just… I don't know. It doesn't scare me when you guys take over. It's kind of nice to know that even when I'm not around, I still have someone watching over me. I trust you to take care of this body with me. So… I want us to enjoy it together, too."

Zooble presses a kiss to Pomni's fist.

"You know," they say. "If I had to be trapped in anyone's body, I'm glad it's you."

Two hours later, Gangle is giggling as she drops the bollitos in oil. Pomni dabs the oil off of one and lets Zooble take the first bite, sighing as warm cheese fills their mouth.

"Taste just like you remember?" Pomni asks.

"Nah," Zooble says. "But this tastes pretty good, too."