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Jack couldn’t have been more relieved to see Robby when he arrived for handover, finally able to go back to their home and crash like he’d been yearning to since half-way through his shift. It wasn't any worse than usual. He almost always felt drained after working a 12-hour shift, but it didn’t help that the weather was starting to dip into colder temperatures that always left an ache in his bones.
He couldn’t help but let out a little sigh as he was greeted by the warmth of their home. Jack quickly shucked off his jacket, hanging it on the hook by the door and doing the same with his keys before grabbing his crutches and bee-lining his way to the bathroom. Ignoring the call of sleep, he set out to have a bath as he does after every shift.
His and Robby’s bathroom was a respectable size. Decorated simply with lots of grey and navy blue. The sink had some hair and face products grouped in the corner of the counter top nearest to the door— the majority of them belonging to Jack. Opposite of the bathroom vanity was the towel rack, already housing two towels, which Jack rested his crutches on, before sitting on top of the toilet beside the counter top. He unlocked the pin of his prosthesis with practiced ease, grunting as he removed it and set it against the vanity.
Since the acquisition of his prosthesis, Jack had become keenly aware of the changing temperatures. He didn’t just have to worry about regulating his body temperature and making sure he had the right amount of layers of clothing, and the general aches and pains of aging, now he had to plan his days around whether the weather would be too much for him to push through. It was far worse in the summer when it was easier to get a rash from the sweat and irritation. On the other hand, the cold sent jabs of pain up his leg and made his prosthesis feel like it was squeezing him in a vice grip. He preferred the chill nonetheless, having always liked the early autumn weather. He just wishes that existing didn’t need so much planning.
Jack proceeded to shuck the rest of his clothes off before swinging his legs over the lip of the shower-tub less than a foot away from the toilet and transferring over to sit on the edge nearest to the faucet. The tub soon began to fill with warm water. The bathroom was part of the reason that Jack had been drawn to his house, sure it was a little on the smaller side and wasn’t that extravagant, but it made it much easier to be independent without having to use his crutches for something as small as a bath.
Jack sighed as he sunk into the warm— bordering on boiling— water. A good bath always did wonders for the persistent ache in his bones.
He didn’t spend too long in the bath, making quick work of cleaning himself, draining the tub, and drying off. Not too long after, he was dressed in a green short sleeve t-shirt that may or may not have been a little too tight on him— It looks nice. Sue him — and a simple pair of shorts.
Just like he’d been dreaming of during his shift, he finally finds himself crawling into bed. With the covers snugly over him, the moment his head hit the pillow, Jack was out like a light.
__________
Jack blearily blinked himself awake, turning over to look at the digital clock on his nightstand. It read: 1:13 pm. Typically, he’d wind up sleeping for a bit longer, so he was a little confused as to what changed until he felt a pulsing ache in his right leg. It was the same kind of ache he got whenever he got too cold. The frigid temperature sinking down and into his bones. He gritted his teeth as the pain suddenly rushed to the forefront of his mind. It was the same ache that caused him to go crying to his mom when he was younger, wanting her to make it all go away. His lip trembled as he felt tears pricking at his eyes. It felt like fuzzy clouds were making their way into his head, trying to pull him into a gentle embrace.
Jack shrugged it off, grunting as he sat up in their bed. His jaw tensed with each pulse of pain. He rifled through his nightstand drawer for the bottle of Bio-freeze that he kept for this purpose. With the bottle in hand, he flipped the covers up. Pouring some of the cream into his hand, he began massaging it into his stump.
He frowned slightly at the sight of his missing leg. He doesn’t know why, but lately the lack of a leg has been messing with him. Mainly because the phantom sensation has made him acutely aware. He felt like it was still there, like he could wiggle his toes if he wanted to. He knew exactly why that was— he had done more than enough research and read countless studies to ease his mind— even with an amputated limb, the brain never forgets it. It doesn’t try to overwrite the map of the missing limb, instead it’s preserved. It still messes with him even though it’s been well over twenty-five years since it had been amputated. He can’t pinpoint what makes his heart ache but he’s learned that this sensation comes and goes like the tide. He just wishes— there were a lot of things he wishes. Most of them have yet to come true.
He stores the bottle of Bio-freeze away and tucks his leg back under the covers. Swaddling his right leg up to contain the emanating heat that he hopes will ease the pain for good. Somehow, through clenching his jaw from the pain, he was able to relax enough into the bed. Burying his face in Robby’s pillow, he fell back asleep.
__________
The next time he wakes, the pain is somehow better yet undeniably worse. Jack rolls over before scrubbing his hands across his face and digging his hands into his eyes. The burn of tears and tightness of his throat made him not want to move at all. The fuzzy clouds were back in his mind, begging him to let go and to take a break. Everything felt like too much. He wanted his mom to kiss it better and make it all go away. He turned his head to the side, peeking out from behind his hands to see that now it was 3:57 pm. He groaned, splaying his hand across his face.
Robby still had close to three hours left of his shift. All Jack wanted was for Robby to come home and hold him in his arms. He felt tears finally run down his face, the ache of missing Robby hurting him as much as his leg. Jack tried to take steadying breaths to replace his hitching sobs.
Even this felt like it was far too big for him to handle.
He furiously rubbed the tears from his eyes, pouting. ‘Crying isn’t gonna fix it’, his father’s voice echoed in his head. He sat there for a couple more minutes, desperately pushing that sadness and soothing fuzziness far, far down. He could just try the heating pad and take some ibuprofen as well. He could handle it, he’d be fine.
He really didn’t want to move. Everything seemed to jostle his leg and shoot more pain through his body, but he really needed that ibuprofen.
Jack finds himself gritting his teeth, rifling through the medicine drawer in the bathroom. He was unsteady on his feet, his hands bordering on not cooperating. It took him far longer to find the bottle of medication because the clouds in his head were making it tough to read.
His stomach growled after he swallowed down the medication. Jack let out a whine. He wanted to go back to bed, wanted the pain to go away, wanted Robby. He couldn’t handle making himself something to eat on top of that. He didn’t trust himself. The easy stuff would be leftovers but that requires him to use the microwave and he could barely grasp his crutches. His lip trembled and tears pricked at his eyes. He’s grown, he should be able to make himself a meal, why couldn’t he? Everything wasn’t slotting into place like it should. He felt too small in his body that hadn’t been small in decades, not in the way that he craved.
He almost forgets the heating pad as he makes his way back to bed. When he goes to grab it out of the closet, he notices a small plushie that he never let go of.
A grey stuffed rabbit with pink torn ears and matted fur. His mind went quiet when he saw it. Though he hadn’t touched it in years, he found himself balancing it under his arms alongside the heating pad.
__________
That's how Robby found him.
Jack was sitting up in their bed, leaning against the pillows, blankets still covering him. Except, Jack was hugging a stuffed rabbit close to his chest. The rabbit looked small in Jack’s arms, but that didn’t change the gentle-ness in which he held it. He was running his hands over the soft fur, and whispering something into the top of its head.
“Shh… ‘s okay. You’re okay, bunny.” He heard Jack whisper, before pressing a soft kiss to the grey fur.
Robby moved further into the room. “What’re you doing, Rabbit?” He asked with a soft smile.
“Bunny’s leg hurts. ‘M makin’ him feel better.” He whispered back, not wanting to wake the stuffed rabbit.
This side of Jack was new. Jack looked softer, less…stressed. It suited him. The medical side of his brain was immediately running through anything that could’ve caused this. It didn’t look like he’d hit his head or anything of the sort, just seemed like he was in the mood to play pretend. Robby’s brows furrowed.
“Are you mad?” Jack said with a soft frown.
He paused.
“No, ‘course not.”
Robby was hit with a wave of confusion. It wasn’t often that Jack mistook Robby’s expressions. Typically, the man was somehow more aware of his feelings than Robby was, seeing through him like glass.
“You alright, Jack?” He asked, before he could help himself, concern tinting his words.
There was a beat of quiet before Jack spoke again.
“Sorry,” He cleared his throat. “Yeah, I’m good, Robby.”
As if just realizing what he was doing, Jack sets the stuffed animal down in his lap. Something like…disgust? etched in his features. His eyes were back to normal and Robby could see the tension returning to Jack’s face and shoulders.
He kept averting his eyes, squirming, for once hating the silence that seemed to stretch on.
“How was work?” He asked, chewing on his lip.
Somehow, this was worse. Whatever that was, Jack seemed to feel better, calmer, like he was before. Was he trying to avoid it for Robby's sake?
It was a second before Robby began to answer. Settling for going at Jack’s pace for now.
__________
Jack tried not to let it happen again.
By now, he was intimately aware of the fact that avoidance was never a good tactic, but he could've sworn that it was working. Even if he was tense and it felt like he wasn't sleeping well, they weren't things he couldn't handle.
It all came to a head when Jack came home one morning and all but crashed into Robby's arms while he was sitting on the couch. Planting himself in Robby's lap, burying his face into the crevice of Robby's neck, surrounded by the smell of Robby, of comfort and care. It felt impossible to ignore that small feeling that was creeping in and beginning to cloud his rationality.
It didn't help that Robby just wrapped his arms around Jack, one hand tangling in the short curls at his nape and gently scratching. He just held him close. He isn't filling the silence like Jack usually does; no, he's waiting for him.
Maybe it was the fact that Robby was going at Jack's pace, or a culmination of him denying himself what he knows he needs, but his lip trembles. He can feel tears welling in his eyes.
He sinks into Robby, trying to melt into him.
"What's going on, Rabbit? Talk to me." Robby whispered gently into the air, softly laying his head on Jack's.
Tears run down his face like the floodgates have broken. Jack's face doesn't leave it's place on Robby's shoulder, but through the tears he manages to speak.
"I dunno..."
He sounds pitiful. If anything, the sight itself must look pitiful. A grown man acting as if he's a small child, sitting in his husband's lap and clinging to him like a lifeline. All Robby does is gently rub his warm palm over his back and press kisses to the side of his head.
It reminds him of his mom soothing him after he'd gotten hurt. Holding him close, giving him the space to breathe where his dad would've told him to suck it up.
"Mama," Jack whispered, his hands clutching at Robby's shirt pathetically.
Jack tenses when Robby's hands pause. "I— never mind," he mumbles. "Forget I said that."
"Jack, can you look at me?"
He really didn't want to. Didn't want to know what Robby really thought about whatever was going on in his head; he just wanted that soft fuzziness to come back and wrap him up like a blanket and for Robby to keep holding him like he was something small and precious. But it was his Robby, right? His sweet Robby, who always cares about everyone far more than himself, who always holds Jack close at night, and leaves him sweet notes on the coffee machine.
With a steadying breath, Jack eventually does pry himself from Robby's neck. When he does, he's greeted by the sight of Robby wearing a soft smile, his eyes slightly crinkled. In any other moment, Jack would've leaned forward and pressed kisses to the wrinkles around his eyes. Instead, he chews on his lip and waits for Robby to speak.
Robby cups his cheek with his hand, gently wiping away the remnants of Jack's tears. "Whatever it is that you need, Jack, you know I'll do it." He cocks his head to the side with a light chuckle, "You can't scare me away, brother."
Jack can't help but echo a chuckle. The two had known each other for far too long, too wrapped up in all their shit to actually date until a couple years ago. And now they're married. Of course Robby wouldn't have been scared off; the two of them weren't able to go without the other for longer than necessary. But it doesn't stop the thought of it all being too much for the man— too needy, too extra, too weird. Jack has gone to enough therapy to know that he can't read Robby's mind and that Robby can't read his.
"What if it's too much?"
He dips his head to meet Jack's eyes. "Then I'll let you know. But, right now? All I want to do is make sure that you're alright."
"I don't even know how to describe what it is that I want," Jack huffs.
"Well," Robby paused, slotting his words into place. "Start with how you were feeling before. Why'd you call me 'Mama'?"
"Which I didn't mind. Just to set the record straight," Robby added, noticing Jack's hesitancy.
Jack stared at Robby, as if to call Robby's bullshit on just going along with things for Jack's sake, but Robby didn't back down. He only challenged his stare until Jack relented. Before he spoke, he climbed off of Robby's lap and sat beside him. Leaning into his side, Jack threaded his hand into Robby's own.
"I liked the way you were holding me. It made me feel like…like I was smaller?" Jack's eyes were trained on where his and Robby's hands connected. "It happened before. Where my head felt like there were clouds in it. I don't know why." Jack paused for a moment. "The way you comforted me, it, uhm…reminded me of my mom. Felt safer."
"It's weird, isn't it?"
"No, I think you just need a break, brother. You should let yourself have one."
After a moment, Robby asked, "Is that what was happening with the stuffed bunny a few weeks ago?"
Jack flushed in embarrassment. "You remember that?"
Robby hummed.
"Would you like the bunny? Do you think it would it help?"
"Yeah. I think so."
"Alright, I'll be back." Robby smiled.
Jack couldn't believe that Robby was so willing to entertain this. The lengths that man went to to make Jack feel comforted and safe were astounding. Even if Jack knew he would do the same for Robby, it just felt different.
Jack could feel the ache in his leg from standing all night beginning to build. Carefully, he leans forward, sliding his right pants leg up to unlock the pin of his prosthesis before pulling it off and resting it against the couch on the floor.
"Mikey, can you grab my crutches too?" Jack shouts as he pulls the sock and liner off, setting it on the armrest.
When Robby returns with the rabbit and crutches in hand, Jack has taken over Robby's spot on the couch, resting his eyes. Robby laid the crutches near the side table and placed the bunny in his lap before plopping down on the couch again.
Jack stares at the stuffed rabbit, shiny beady eyes looking back at him. He hadn't touched it since Robby caught him last time. It felt easier to leave it sitting in the closet, where its soft fur wouldn't call to him like a siren.
His eyes soften as he lets himself pick it up. The soft fur catches on calloused hands, the thought only a little jarring as he lets himself sink into the headspace his mind had been yearning for.
It wasn't long until Jack pulled the plushie close to his chest, burying the head of it into his right shoulder to lean on.
"The bunny looks just like you, Rabbit," Robby said with a sweet smile.
Jack softly giggled, pulling the bunny away to examine its face.
The fuzzy clouds were quickly making their way back into his head. This time he wasn't swatting them away. He let the tension roll off of him in waves.
"Nuh-uh," Jack shook his head. "'M not a bunny."
Robby hummed. "But you're my sweet Rabbit. C'mere."
Robby sat angled on the corner opposite where Jack was, one leg hanging off the side of the couch. In no time, Jack curled up into Robby's lap, armed with his plushie. Robby easily wrapped his arms around the man—the boy, and planted a kiss on his head.
The embrace felt like a warm blanket. It wasn't long before Jack felt himself melting into the touch. It felt like the few times he'd laid his head in his mom's lap as she ran her fingers through his hair. It felt like there was nothing but him and Robby, his Mama, here and now. No dad and no big things to worry about, only sitting here surrounded by love.
"Bunny, you can't take a nap yet." Robby lightly shakes Jack's shoulder, noticing how quiet he'd gotten. "You haven't eaten, and it isn't good for you or Mama to fall asleep on the couch."
"C'mon, I'll make you a nice lunch, little guy." He ends with a pat on Jack's back.
Jack whines at the prospect of getting up but shuffles off of Robby's lap anyways. Food always sounds good.
__________
By the time they'd finished their lunch, Jack's sleepiness was long gone. He was in a mood to play, but there was a severe lack of toys for him outside of the plushie.
Robby would have to fix that.
Eventually, they settled on the floor and played pretend with the plush and a bear figurine that Jack had found somewhere. Jack was able to come up with a surprising amount of stories before he got bored. It seemed like even little Jack was still as talkative as ever.
The two had settled back on the couch. Robby was in control of the remote, scrolling through shows until his boy saw one he liked.
Jack rested his head on Robby's lap, using the stuffed rabbit as a pillow, as bright colors and soft sounds filled the space. Robby's hands snaked their way up into Jack's hair, idly playing with the soft grey curls.
Jack lost himself in the sensations. Of gentle hands in his hair, of a colorful TV show that he hadn't watched in forever, and of the tip of his thumb resting in his mouth. The ache in his chest settled as the clouds blanketed his head in a soft embrace. It had been far too long since he'd let someone else take the wheel.
He'd been tracing small shapes into his Mama's thigh before he'd turned over to ask, "Mama, can I have a snack?"
A sweet smile splayed over his face when Robby answered, "'Course, buddy.
C'mon, let's go pick something out." He patted Jack's shoulder.
Jack eagerly moved to stand up, copying his Mama. His feet planted on the floor. He could feel the carpet, and the solid hardwood that resided underneath, beneath his feet. He could feel the even pressure as he pushed off his knees to stand.
It was just that the wires got crossed somewhere. The distinct feeling of being small and uncoordinated made everything feel so much worse because he somehow forgot the fact that he didn't have the lower half of his leg.
So, when Robby's hand curled around Jack’s crutches to pass it to him, there was a solid thud. It was like time stopped in the split second before the quiet space was suddenly filled with a little wailing Jack.
Pain radiated up Jack's thigh and elbow, sharp and red, it felt blinding to his small mind. He couldn't stop the tears from bubbling up and out of him, loud and frightened. Jack clutched his arm while he lie on the floor, eyes squeezed shut. He couldn't catch a solid breath.
He felt like a glass castle, shattering all over the floor, unable to pick up the pieces on his own. It sent him reeling, slipping fast into something smaller and smaller. He felt like he was drowning under the weight of everything. Of the pain running through him, of the sadness he couldn't ever seem to quell, of the helplessness.
So, when he felt himself being pulled towards a solid mass, he couldn't stop himself from fighting gentle hands. He tried pushing himself away, clumsy over-sized hands swatting at steady ones.
Jack tried his hands at words too, but they felt lodged in his throat. Each time he opened his mouth, all that came out were devastated whines. His chest hitched with every sob.
It was stupid.
He whined helplessly, rubbing an open palm over his sternum harshly, eventually turning to beating the heel of it against the same spot.
He wanted to scream when he felt a hand wrap around his own. Maybe he did. The action startled him enough to take a deep breath— as deep as he could when his nose was stuffed. And when his hand was shifted to splay over a strong chest, one shifting with soothing even breaths, he couldn't help but copy it.
With his free hand, Jack brought it up to furiously wipe at his eyes. When he'd finally ventured to open his eyes, his lip trembled at the sight of Mama looking at him with such deep concern. He stared at the man with wide wet eyes and was suddenly overcome with the guilt that began seeping into the cracks of his sadness.
Jack hurt his mama. He'd been mean.
"Hey, hey, Bunny, it's alright, you're alright," Robby soothed, noticing how Jack seemed to be one second away from breaking down again.
"'m sorry, Mama," He whimpered. "'m so sorry."
"Jack, honey, Mama's okay," He spoke, tilting his head to encourage Jack to look at him. "I know that must've hurt. It's okay, baby."
Jack's lip wobbled.
"C'mere, Rabbit." Robby beckoned.
Jack felt so relieved. His mama wasn't mad at him for being bad. Hitting was something that should've definitely gotten him put in the corner, or grounded, or worse. He still hesitated, like Mama was gonna change his mind and decide he didn't deserve to be held anymore. But Robby sat there, with a soft, patient smile on his face.
Jack felt so unsteady as he all but crawled over to Robby, too small of a baby to move with ease. He settled into his mama's lap, curling up against his chest, and resting his head just beneath Robby's chin. He quickly swapped chewing on his bottom lip for sucking on his thumb as his mama held him in a warm embrace, encasing him on all sides. Like Robby could protect him from everything big and scary.
They stayed like that, in soothing, quiet warmth, for long enough that Robby's (and Jack's) back was going to be very upset with him tomorrow. The two were sat on the floor, Robby leaning his weight against the couch. He'd been idly running his hands over Jack's back and sides, resting his head on Jack's.
It felt like the worst kind of helplessness seeing Jack crumble and not being able to help. He never wanted to hear Jack cry like that again; it broke his heart and made tears sting the backs of his eyes. The stinging almost turned into tears seeing Jack so distraught and pushing him away. It was a devastating sight, but it seemed like Jack had needed it. The tears had come in wave after wave, a buildup of so much that he didn't want to share with Robby.
He felt like a hypocrite feeling the ache in his chest at the thought. Robby was the same. He couldn't fault Jack for not wanting to bother him, or weigh him down, or whatever the reason truly was because Robby had done the same countless times. And he loves Jack for putting up with his stubborn ass.
It seemed like Jack was a hairs width away from truly falling asleep and as much as he didn't want to wake the boy, they really couldn't sleep here.
"Sweetheart, c'mon, we gotta get ready for bed," Robby lightly shook his shoulder.
Jack whined and sniffled.
"I know, baby, but we need to take a bath. Then, you can go to sleep, alright?"
A slight problem arose when Robby realized that calling him 'baby' wasn't quite far off. It seemed like the outburst caused Jack to slip even further. Robby, for as much as he would've liked to, couldn't carry Jack.
Their shuffle to the bathroom was awkward, but they got there nonetheless. It was a slight hassle getting the two of them clean in the tub with Jack barely staying awake and the slight cramp of the space. Though, Robby got the two of them dressed and in bed in no time.
Jack lie with his head resting on Robby's chest. He was practically out like a light the moment Robby got them settled. It took Robby a few minutes before sleep began to claw at him.
Today had certainly been interesting. He hadn't seen Jack this calm in a while. It felt like such a privilege to be able to see Jack like this; he trusted him enough with something as fragile as this. As he checked in with himself he, of course, found that he doesn't mind Jack like this. He wouldn't mind if it became a regular thing. If anything, being his mama was as easy as breathing air. It was just another facet of the complex man who'd planted roots in Robby's heart over the past 20 odd years.
He'd do anything for Jack.
An inseparable pair, eternally entwined. He felt full of love, of endearment, for the man he was finally able to call his husband. Who left him reeling when he was able to call him his boyfriend. It was like they were made for each other.
Minutes had passed when Robby's eyes began to close of their own accord. Robby soon fell fast asleep with a soft smile on his face, heart overflowing with love, mind filled with Jack.