Work Text:
Pittsburgh Trauma Medical Center
FORMAL PETITION TO THE PTMC ADMINISTRATION
Regarding the Proposed Installation of
One (1) Recreational Trampoline
(Outdoor, Hospital-Grade, TBD)Submitted for Official Review and Consideration
REF: PTMC-FAC-2026-TRAMP-001 | SUBMITTED: 2026-03-06 | STATUS: PENDING REVIEW
Petitioner: Anonymous (a concerned and well-meaning member of the PTMC community)
Addressed To: The Administration of Pittsburgh Trauma Medical Center; The Facilities Management Committee; Whoever Actually Makes Decisions Around Here
Re: Installation of one recreational trampoline in the courtyard
Preamble
We, the undersigned members of the PTMC community—including staff, patients, visitors, and other concerned and well-meaning members of the human race—respectfully submit this petition to the Administration for review and favorable action. It is our collective belief, after extensive deliberation (approximately ten minutes in the break room), that the installation of a recreational trampoline outside the Pittsburgh Trauma Medical Center would yield significant, measurable, and frankly overdue benefits to this institution.
We acknowledge that certain stakeholders may raise objections rooted in concepts such as liability, professionalism, and the laws of physics. We ask that these stakeholders approach this proposal with open minds, good faith, and perhaps a little more whimsy than they currently demonstrate in team meetings.
Reasons in Support of This Petition
- Whimsy as a Driver of Patient Satisfaction It is a well-documented fact that patient satisfaction scores are the primary metric by which hospital administrations measure the success, worth, and spiritual merit of their employees. It is equally documented that people waiting eight-to-twelve hours in the ER are, on average, not satisfied. We propose that a trampoline—visible from the waiting room, accessible to ambulatory patients and their families—would provide a meaningful and stimulating alternative to staring politely at a wall or impolitely at other patients. Studies consistently find that physical activity improves mood. A trampoline is physical activity. Therefore, a trampoline improves mood. QED. Patient satisfaction scores go up. Everyone gets a bonus. (Btw, we would all like a bonus, preferably monetary, but we’d take anything.)
- Physician and Staff Morale The staff of the PTMC ER work punishing hours under extraordinary pressure, routinely performing feats of endurance and emotional labor that would incapacitate most civilians. Their needs are simple: adequate staffing, mental health resources, competitive compensation, and a trampoline. We recognize the administration may not be prepared to address the first three at this time. The trampoline, however, requires only a one-time capital expenditure and a basic maintenance contract. Studies on occupational burnout consistently cite "lack of workplace joy" as a contributing factor. We are not asking for a ping-pong table (though we would not refuse one). We are asking for a trampoline. Please give the residents something to look forward to. They are very tired.
- Child-Friendliness and Pediatric Patient Experience Children are frequent visitors to the emergency department, in capacities both as patients and as the deeply bored companions of injured adults. The PTMC currently offers young visitors the following entertainment options: a fish tank with two fish (one is clearly unwell), nurse Jesse who can juggle but is very busy, and the floor. We propose that a trampoline would meaningfully address the pediatric experience gap, providing stimulation, exercise, and an activity that does not involve touching the floor of an emergency room, which no one should do. Additionally, a child-friendly outdoor feature signals to the community that the PTMC is a welcoming institution. This is good for branding as our Marketing department will attest. (We are invoking Marketing as an authority on this matter and ask that it not be questioned.)
- Safety Net An anonymous source (whose identity we are actively protecting out of professional courtesy and also self-preservation ) has suggested that standing on the roof of this hospital and looking down at the parking lot below is, for at least one member of the physician staff, something that occurs with regular frequencies. (Every third week at 7 a.m. in the morning.) We are not naming names. We are not speculating. We are simply noting that a trampoline of sufficient diameter (we recommend no less than 25 feet across, commercial grade, rated for impact loads consistent with a fall from a minimum of ten stories) positioned directly below the rooftop access point would represent a meaningful and proactive institutional safety measure. We further note that this trampoline may be relevant to more than one physician. Again: no names. We simply feel strongly that the trampoline should be large. Very large. Large enough that even an oblong object of 6’1” in length, weighting slightly less than 200 pounds would bounce off it safely. We ask that the procurement team factor this into the size specifications. We ask that no one read into this too hard. We are fine. No one needs a therapist, or a psych hold, or both. All is well. Please get a big trampoline.
- Additional Benefits Identified by the Petitioner (a) Competitive differentiation: No other Level I trauma center in the greater Pittsburgh area currently offers a trampoline. We would be first. That is excellent for press releases.
(b) Physical fitness for staff: Five minutes of bouncing burns approximately forty calories and dramatically reduces cortisol levels. We invite the administration to verify this claim independently.
(c) A legitimate answer to "what do you do for fun": Staff currently have no good answer to this question.
(d) Attraction of extreme sports practitioners and other daredevils: It has been observed that individuals who engage in high-risk recreational activities will, upon encountering a large outdoor trampoline adjacent to a major trauma center, be unable to resist using it for progressively more ambitious maneuvers. This is simply human nature. When, as a statistical inevitability, these individuals sustain injuries, they will already be on hospital grounds. No ambulance dispatch will be required. No fuel will be consumed. This is good for the environment and for our ESG reporting. The petitioner wishes to be clear that this is not an endorsement of dangerous behavior; it is merely an acknowledgment of natural consequences from which we can derive institutional benefit.Our Requests of the Administration
We respectfully request the following:
- That this petition be reviewed by at least one person with actual decision-making authority, and not simply filed in the drawer next to the previous petition regarding the broken water fountain in the staff lounge (still broken).
- That a formal feasibility study be commissioned, or barring that, that someone look at the outdoor plaza and say "hm, maybe."
- That the Administration accept signatures and written comments from the PTMC community, attached hereto, as evidence of broad-based stakeholder support.
- That, should the trampoline proposal be declined, the Administration provide a written explanation citing specific regulatory statutes, and not merely "this is not what hospitals do," which is not a statute.
Submitted with sincerity, optimism, and an awareness that this may end up in the recycling bin, but a hope that it does not.
—Socially responsible individual
We welcome additional signatures and comments below. Please include your name or submit anonymously. All perspectives are valued. Except negative ones, which we ask that you reconsider.Signatures & Comments 23 signatures
#1 Anonymous I sign this under duress because I was handed a pen and told to read it. Having read it, I sign without duress. — [signature illegible]
#2 Dr. F. Langdon 100% support. I can do a backflip. I won't do it in front of patients. But I totally could, for morale purposes of course.
#3 Anonymous I don't know who wrote this but I have been laughing for three minutes in the supply closet and I needed that more than I can say. Signed. (Also, someone was filming a TikTok outside the closet door just now. Is that allowed? If so, I’m gonna do it too.)
#4 Dr. S. Mohan Signing on behalf of myself and also on behalf of the concept of evidence-based wellness initiatives. The literature on physical activity and occupational burnout is quite clear. I have sent three relevant papers to administration via interoffice mail. No response.
#5 Anonymous point #4 made me cry a little. signing for real. we should all take care of each other.
#6 J. Van Horn, RN Signing. No comment on juggling. Also the water fountain in the lounge has been broken since NOVEMBER not March. I want the record corrected. But yes to the trampoline.
#7 Dr. C. McKay My son Harrison is nine years old and the next time he has to sit in this waiting room I would like there to be something for him to do. Signed. (Do NOT tell my deadbeat ex about this petition. He will try to use it somehow.)
#8 Anonymous (Patient, Bay 7, Waiting on Discharge Paperwork) Been here 8 hrs. Would absolutely go on a trampoline right now. My knee is fine, the good-looking doctor said I can bounce. Please.
#9 Dr. T. Santos Obviously I support this. I've been saying we need more energy in this department for months. Nobody listens to me. The trampoline will make them listen. Signing and also I would like to be consulted on the procurement process.
#10 Dr. J. Shen Signed. Point 4 is well-reasoned. I can think of a few people this might apply to. I'm not going to say who. You probably know who. —Shen
#11 K. Alfaro, LCSW As a social worker I want to formally note that the reasoning in item 4 is not as absurd as it may appear, and that creating visible, accessible interventions in high-risk physical environments has documented preventive value. I am signing this. I am also going to separately submit a more formal proposal through appropriate channels.
#12 Anonymous (Security) Is someone supposed to guard the trampoline. I'm just asking so I can plan. I'm not opposed. I'm just asking.
#13 Dr. M. Robinavitch I have taken this petition down from the bulletin board twice. Both times it reappeared within the hour. I am signing it because I am a reasonable person and also because point number two is correct and I am very tired and would like a trampoline. This does not mean I endorse the process by which this petition was submitted. —Robby
P.S. Langdon if this was you I know it was you.#14 Medical Student Ogilvie I have several procedural objections and I'll note them here formally: (1) "QED" is not appropriate usage in a policy petition. (2) Marketing is not a regulatory authority. Will sign if corrected.
[Ogilvie, put your hand down! —Kwon]#15 Anonymous i love this place. (signed)
#16 Dr. M. King Per the physical fitness claim in 5(b): the figure of 40 calories per 5 minutes is slightly high depending on body weight and bounce intensity but broadly defensible. Signed. I would use the trampoline. Does anyone want to use it with me?
#17 Anonymous (Visitor) My dad's been in here three days and I've been in this waiting room most of that time. I'd cry less if there was a trampoline. Not even to use. Just to look at. Signed.
#18 Dr. J. Abbot Brilliant work. Signed.
ETA: Robby, it was not Langdon. Langdon's language skill is atrocious and the petition is beautifully written. It was Ellis. I would stake my go-bag on this. The phrase "the laws of physics" is absolutely something she has said out loud before in this building.#19 Anonymous Suggestion for the procurement committee (which I assume will exist): the trampoline should have a net enclosure. Not because I doubt anyone's bouncing ability. Just for optics. We're a hospital.
#20 D. Evans, Charge Nurse I want to be very clear that I am signing this under protest, because whoever submitted this petition did not go through proper channels, did not consult the charge nurse, and did not check whether the outdoor plaza is even zoned for recreational installations, which it is not—I checked. The petition is also posted over the fire safety notice, which is a code violation. I have moved it.
With that said: it has been a long shift. It has been a long several months of shifts. So. Signed. —D. Evans
(Anonymous: you know where the supply closet is if you need a minute. The door locks from the inside. I'm not saying anything else.)#21 Anonymous DANA SIGNED IT. We won. we already won. doesn't matter what administration says. we won.
#22 Anonymous (Administration, department redacted) I am not authorized to make any commitments on behalf of the institution. I am signing this as a private citizen. The petition is well-reasoned. The structural survey point alone may justify a facilities review. I have no further comment.
#23 Dr. P. Ellis This is the cutest thing I have ever read and I want everyone to know that. Whoever wrote this really loves this place and it shows and I think that is genuinely beautiful. Signed with my whole heart.
(Abbot I don't know what you're talking about. I didn't write this. I would never. —Ellis)
(Also the ‘laws of physics’ thing is a coincidence.)#24 Anonymous Ellis said "i didn't write this" with three separate disclaimers. She totally wrote this.
— G. Underwood, Chief Medical Officer I am not signing this petition. I am noting, for the record, that this document has been posted without administrative approval, over a fire safety notice, in violation of section 4.2 of the staff bulletin board policy. I am further noting that the petition references the rooftop in a manner I find deeply irregular and which I will be following up on separately. The trampoline proposal is not and will never be under consideration. If I find another copy of this on my desk I will be scheduling a department meeting. With HR present. —G. Underwood
[note added below in a different (atrocious) handwriting: she took it down. But it's back up. —Good Samaritan]#25 Anonymous I came in tonight at the worst point of my life and something about reading this whole stupid beautiful thing on the bulletin board made me feel like maybe people here actually give a damn. So. Signed. And thank you.