Archive of Our Own

Chapter Text

Everything is normal. Everything is fine. 

Except that it's not. 

And Tim doesn't know how much longer he's going to live for.

He's lost everything–everyone. Anything that ever meant even a little bit of anything to him is gone. There's nothing left. Only him. Only the nightmares. Only the guilt. Only the pain.

If he was gone, would anyone even notice? Would anyone even care?

It's not like there's anyone left to remember him anyway. 

He's the only one left now.

Jessica might still be out there, but Tim didn't know her all that well to begin with, and even if he did, she was never in nearly as deep as he was. Unlike Tim, she really will be able to move on and live a normal life now. That's not something he wants to risk messing up by searching her out again for his own selfish consolation.

But it's lonely like this. Tim doesn't have anyone but himself. There's no one to keep him sane. He doesn't even have a home to go back to or any instruments to play anymore. 

It's a sort of loneliness that lingers. A chronic pain that never stops aching no matter what he does to try and ease it. It's an endless want for something that he’ll never be able to have. For a life that he'll never be able to live.

The guilty part of his mind tells him that he should keep going–that he has to keep going, because if he doesn't, what even was the point of it all then? If he dies too, then everyone else will have died for nothing. He doesn't want to give Alex the satisfaction of dying like he wanted him to either, and yet…

Tim really doesn't want to be alone anymore.

What's the point of living a life you were never supposed to have?

.

.

.

Tim pulls his car over on the side of a lonely gravel road. It's entirely desolate, tucked somewhere far out on the outskirts of the town and secluded off in a world of its own. 

Tim glances out the window, taking in the surrounding area as he pulls his keys from the ignition. He barely even remembers driving out here, or why he might've done so, but everything's been pretty hazy lately, so finding himself on some random road is nothing new. 

There's an expansive field that stretches out just beyond the road. It's mostly barren, with only a thickly wooded area in the distance as stark contrast from the overgrown grass before it. The sky on the other hand is a dismal sort of grey, the color completely washed from the sky as dark clouds hang above. 

Tim sits idly for a moment more before he steps out of his car. It's sure to rain soon, so he should probably take a look around before then. For what, he doesn't know, but since he came all the way out here, he might as well go see what's around. 

He lights up a cigarette as he walks towards the field, the cool air biting at his fingertips. He takes a long drag of the cigarette, but it does little to pacify the ever-growing unease that gnaws at the edge of his mind.

It's quiet out here, only the rustling of the wind against the grass and the crunch of his shoes on the gravel to be heard. Not even the birds want to sing for him on this sullen day. It's a familiar sort of loneliness though. One that he’s become rather close with throughout the entirety of his life. There's only the sound of whatever's going on inside his head to keep him company out here, but it's exactly what he's used to.

Except the quiet doesn't last for particularly long as a rustle suddenly comes from somewhere out in the field. Tim flinches, his entire body tensing at the sudden noise. It almost sounds like the shuffle of someone–or something moving in the grass. 

It shouldn't be anything to worry about. Quite literally anymore could be out here just like he is right now. It's not like it would be anything out of the ordinary. It's probably just someone out on a walk like he is. That or an animal. But for some reason, all the hair on his arms is standing on end.

A pit starts to form in his stomach as he glances around the field. It feels like something is watching him. He knows something is watching him. Tim prays that it's just a deer…but his eyes quickly land on the figure of what could only be a person.

Tim’s entire body goes cold. He doesn't even notice his cigarette go out when the wind starts to pick up around him. He's too distracted by what’s in front of him to even move.

Tim can't quite pin it down, but something about the person feels all too familiar. It nags inside his chest. A sense of knowing. Almost like an echo from not so long ago.

A stupid thought crosses his mind.

Tim briefly squeezes his eyes shut before he opens them again. He blinks a few times, shielding his face as he squints at the field in front of him again. 

Sure enough, the person is still out there.

They're turned away from him, and Tim can only see their back, but there's just something about them that feels too much like–

No.

It must be his mind playing tricks on him again. He blinks a few more times. He doesn't even know when the last time he got any sleep was–if at all. It's only ever nightmares now. 

How many times has he seen Jay's bloody body flash in his mind whenever he closes his eyes at night. 

How many times has he seen Brian’s broken body laying on the ground in front of him.

How many times has the memory of himself stabbing Alex replayed in his mind over and over again. 

Too many times for any person to be sane.

And yet, even in spite of it all, Tim still finds a desperate part of himself calling out to the person anyway.

"Jay?"

At the sound of Tim’s voice, the person turns to face him. They don't move or try to come towards him. Instead they seem to stand almost completely frozen like time has all but stopped. 

Tim narrows his eyes as he tries to study the person before him. He readies himself for the usual disappointment that's sure to come. For the person to be a confused stranger and nothing more. But as Tim fully takes in the person that's now facing him, the air is effectively knocked from his lungs. 

Tim stumbles backwards, almost falling as his legs threaten to give out beneath him. It feels like a punch to the gut. He can barely even breathe as he stands there, his lungs refusing to take in any air as he stares at the person in the field.

It has to be him.

It has to be Jay.

He doesn't know how or why, but Tim knows it's Jay.

With a shaky breath, Tim steps towards who he thinks is Jay, careful not to make too much noise as he does so. He keeps his hands out in front of him as if he's approaching a wild animal. He'd rather not spook the other man. The last thing he needs is for Jay to run. He also doesn't know where Jay's head is at right now either–if it even is Jay at all. 

Except as he takes another step, a few leaves crunch beneath his shoes, breaching the silence between them. 

Jay flinches at the sound, his eyes growing wide, but he doesn't run. He only stares back at Tim with those all too familiar tired, blue eyes of his. Tim’s heart stutters in his chest, the chill of Jay’s eyes soaking into even the deepest parts of him.

The exact image that has carved itself into every part of Tim’s brain–that's haunted him every moment for too many weeks, is right here in front of him.

The wind continues to whistle around them. They're nearly an arms length away now, and there's no mistaking it. 

It's Jay. It's really Jay.

Jay’s clothes are exactly the same as what he was wearing when Alex shot him, although a little more ragged now. Even that stupid hat of his is still on his head. And the blood…his clothes are still stained with so much blood. Tim can tell it's since dried, but it's all still there.

“Jay?” Tim hears himself choke out, his voice strangled as he forces himself to say Jay’s name again.

Jay only blinks at him.

"It's me–it's Tim.”

It feels stupid. He's probably just hallucinating again. Maybe his medication isn't working anymore. He really should go back to his doctor soon. But Tim still can't stop himself from reaching out for the ghost of someone he's been waiting for at every turn. Even if it's just hallucination–or the ghost of the person he's been constantly looking for. He still tries anyway.

Tim expects for his hands to just pass through the Jay in front of him like some sort of apparition, because what other explanation would there be for what he's seeing right now. But when he’s actually able to put his hands on Jay’s shoulders, a sob almost tears through him. 

With his hands firmly planted on Jay's shoulders, Tim pushes Jay down to his knees in case he suddenly wants to run. Surprisingly Jay doesn't fight it. He easily sinks to the ground, kneeling before Tim like a rabbit that's been caught in a snare with nothing left to do but submit.

Tim follows him down, collapsing to the dirt in front of Jay, ignoring the ache in his knee as he hits the ground far too roughly. 

Almost immediately he grabs at Jay's face with far too much desperation, but Tim needs to know if he's real. He needs to know if there's really a living, breathing person beneath his hands. 

Jay doesn't move as Tim practically manhandles him. His face is rough from too many days without shaving, while his skin is nearly ice cold, but Tim can touch him–he can feel flesh and bone beneath his fingers, and that's all that matters.

Tim pauses, taking in Jay’s appearance as he continues to hold his face between his hands. Jay’s eyes are entirely sunken, with the dark bags beneath his eyes even heavier than usual against his pale skin. Exhaustion pulls at every inch of his face and varying shades of bruises seem to cover his skin as well. Really, a starved dog would be the perfect way to describe the Jay in front of him. A starved dog that might either bite the nearest person or simply pass out at any given moment. 

But it's him–it's Jay. He's real. He's here.

But there's no way. This can't be possible. Jay can't be alive. He's dead. He's supposed to be dead. He is dead. Tim saw the video. He saw Jay's body inside his house. There's just no way.

It's been weeks–or maybe even longer, since it happened. Jay couldn't possibly survive something like that. Not without at least going to the hospital for help, and with the way he's sitting out here still stained with blood, Tim sure as hell knows he didn't do that.

And yet, somehow…he's right here.

"I...I need to find him...Alex...he's out there...he's still out there somewhere..." Jay suddenly rasps out, his voice ragged. He starts to look around, his eyes wild as they dart around clearly in search of something. "Where's...where's my camera. I need my camera. I need it…I need it."

"Jay, hey–listen to me. It's okay now. You're okay now. Alex isn't here anymore." Tim drags Jay's face back towards him, forcing him to look at Tim again. "It's okay now," he tries again, but it's clear that Jay's not interested in listening to him.

"No. I need...I need to go." Jay weakly attempts to shove Tim back when Tim doesn't let go of him. "Get off me. Stop...stop touching me," he mumbles, still trying to pull away.

Tim half lets his hands fall from Jay's face, but it's not even seconds before a violent cough suddenly wracks through Jay's trembling body. He hunches over, his hands hitting the ground as a strangled sound in between a whimper and a gag. He gasps for breath in between coughs, his fingers grasping at the dirt as he starts to curl in on himself, shuddering as each cough viciously claws its way from his throat.

“No, no, no, Jay–”

Not this.

Not again.

Not now.

With shaking hands, Tim reaches into his pocket and digs out his medicine. He fumbles around with the bottle, almost dropping it before he manages to shake out one of the white pills.

Stupidly, Tim tries to slip a pill between Jay’s parted lips once he stops coughing. Jay makes a disgruntled sound in protest and he makes a weak attempt to bite Tim’s fingers. He doesn't manage to draw blood, but Tim still hisses in pain and yanks his hand back anyway.

“Jay…I’m not gonna hurt you,” Tim groans as he moves to pry Jay’s mouth open again. Jay helplessly struggles against him, his feet kicking out in the grass. Tim pinches his nose with one hand and holds the other over his mouth, forcing Jay to swallow the pill this time when he lets go of him.

“Get…off,” Jay pants out between laboured breaths. He coughs again before he slowly stops struggling, his body falling limp as he slumps forward against Tim's chest.

“Hey.” Tim nudges Jay, but he gets nothing in return. “Jay?” Tim shakes him again, but when he still gets no response, he thinks that Jay might really be dead.

He moves to place a shaking hand on Jay's chest, letting out a stuttered sigh of relief when he feels that Jay's still breathing. He lingers for a moment, feeling the steady beat of Jay’s heartbeat beneath his hand. He commits the feeling to his memory, lacing it into every fiber of his being until he's calm enough to get up again.

Tim gently picks Jay up afterwards, careful not to jostle him as he carries him back to his car. He holds him tightly against his chest, like Jay might just disappear at any moment if Tim loosens his hold even just a little bit. 

He avoids the gunshot wound in Jay’s stomach as best he can, especially since he doesn't know how bad it really is right now. Jay should be dead. He should have already bled out after what happened, but somehow he's alive in Tim’s arms. 

Was Jay frozen in time? Was he trapped somewhere that kept him alive when he should've been dying? Will he start bleeding out again now that he's somehow back here?

Tim doesn't see any fresh blood, but that doesn't mean something’s not happening on the inside. He shakes his head. He needs to stop thinking about it and get Jay to a hospital as quickly as possible. Trying to make sense of this situation will get him nowhere.

Tim doesn't know how Jay is still alive, but he'll be damned if he lets him go again. He already failed with Brian. He thought he failed with Jay too. He won't fail again. 

–

According to the doctors, it'll be a few days until Jay will be released from the hospital, but he's in a stable condition with the bullet having somehow just missed anything of importance. It still doesn't explain how Jay had actually managed to survive out there after all this time, but the doctors don't need to know that. They don't need to know that Jay’s probably been stuck in some sort of limbo with a gunshot wound that should've killed him weeks ago. Tim will just have to accept it for what it is. It's not like much of anything has ever really made sense before this anyway. 

Honestly, knowing how Jay survived doesn't really even matter all that much to Tim now. What does matter though, is the fact that the hospital actually took Jay in as a patient. That in itself means that Jay’s not just a desperate figment of Tim’s imagination. It means that Tim’s not going crazy and that Jay–like Jessica, really did survive after so suddenly disappearing.

It should make him feel better, but Tim’s still entirely terrified that he’ll wake up from this delirium driven dream at any moment. Surely this is all just another cruel way for that thing to toy with him. It’ll let him have a taste of what he so badly wants before it suddenly rips it all away just so it can watch him burn all over again.

Tim tries his best to shove down those thoughts, but with nothing else to do while he waits around for Jay to be discharged, it's a little difficult to do so. 

As a temporary attempt at a distraction, he opts to spend his time going back out to the field where he found Jay. He wanders around each day in foolish hopes that he might somehow find Brian out there too. Maybe just maybe he managed to survive like Jay did. But alas, Tim’s only ever met with the sound of the wind and nothing more. 

Finding Jay makes sense though–or at least as much sense as anything could ever make after everything, finding Brian isn't quite the same. Since Jay had disappeared right after he’d been shot, Tim had always thought that maybe there was a chance that he could still be alive somewhere. It's why he called out for him so many times. There was always a small part of him clinging on to some sort of ridiculous hope that he might be okay. Only briefly did he ever see Jay’s body, unlike with Brian who was laid out broken on the ground in front of Tim. 

A bullet can sometimes miss a vital organ, but Tim knows that Brian’s fall was fatal. He knows that Brian is gone no matter how much he tries to convince himself otherwise. 

Tim goes through too many packs of cigarettes while he continues to wait around. He gives up searching for Brian altogether, which leaves him with nothing else to do except to consider what the hell to do next. 

But all the thinking only seems to agitate him more. He hadn't really been planning any sort of future for himself either. After being stuck in an endless cycle of being lost, alone, and wondering what the point of it all even was anymore, it's difficult to try and actually move forward now. 

Jay will just have to be his way forward then, Tim stupidly decides. Jay who's done nothing but make a mess of his life, will just have to give him a reason to keep going.

And if there comes a day where Jay doesn't need him anymore, then maybe Tim will finally let himself rest.

But until that day comes, he'll just have to do his best to override the guilty part of his mind by taking care of Jay instead.

Over and over again he'll put Jay back together. Past and present, he'll always be there to help Jay back up. He shouldn't. Jay probably doesn't deserve that much. He sure as hell wouldn't do the same for Tim. But this way, maybe at least one of them can be whole again.

Maybe one of them can actually survive this.

–

A few days later, Jay is officially discharged from the hospital. He'll have to come back every once in a while for checkups, but other than that, he's stable enough to leave. Tim is briefed on how to take care of him and what all to watch for that could be of any concern, and then they're off. It's finally time for them to leave this town.

Tim might've grown up here, but staying here isn't much of an option anymore. There's simply too many unpleasant memories attached to this place, both from his childhood to now. It's not like either him or Jay have anywhere else to go back to either. There's nothing else to keep them here.

Tim ends up driving them a few towns over to another small town where he's sure neither of them have been before. It's not quite small enough a place that everyone knows each other, but it's just big enough to where they can blend in without the bustle of a big city. He would've liked to move somewhere farther away, but since not only he needs to keep seeing his doctor; he also knows that Jay will need to start seeing someone there as well, so it's better to stay relatively close by. He’d rather not risk trying to find a new doctor and running out of his medication right now. Until they figure something better out, this'll just have to do. 

Tim just hopes that this town will be a place where they can start over and maybe be normal for once. Well, normal is probably asking for too much, especially since he has someone as unpredictable as Jay with him again, but he'll take whatever amount of normalcy he can get. 

Until Tim finds a place to rent though–and a new job, which is something he never thought he'd be doing again, it's back to staying in cheap hotels for now. He'd gotten some insurance money from when his house burned down, but he'd rather save most of it for something more permanent. At least he has Jay with him now to help pay for things.

Of course, whether or not Jay actually wants to stick around with Tim when he comes back to himself, is something else entirely.

It's an endless sort of dance with them. Always circling around one another with too much need, all while keeping each other at arms length. It's a constant cycle of wanting but never taking despite the fact that they're all the other has. But they both need each other more than ever now, which is exactly why Tim will do everything he can to keep Jay as close to him as possible. Jay can fight him all he wants, but Tim will be damned if he leaves Jay behind again.  

–

"How're you feeling?" Tim calls out as he pushes his way into the hotel room with a bag of food tucked under his arm.

Ever since Alex burned his house down, Tim had been sleeping in his car. Not only because he'd been tight on money, but he also didn't really care to find a new place or even stay in a hotel either. So his and Jay’s current hotel room, while small, with only two beds tucked close together with not much else, is the closest thing to a home that he's had in weeks.

It's late, but he can see Jay sitting on the edge of the bed closest to the far wall. His gaze is completely empty as he stares forward. He's ever distant, and it's almost as if he's somewhere else entirely. 

Tim isn't sure if Jay fully remembers much of anything just yet. Pieces maybe, but he's still been pretty disoriented in the days since leaving the hospital. It all feels hauntingly similar to how Jay was after they went to Alex’s old house a few months ago, but he had recovered after that, so Tim just hopes that this time will be the same.

“Jay?” Tim sits down on the bed across from him. He reaches forward to lightly shake Jay when he gets no reply again, but Jay suddenly jumps back. 

“Tim?” Jay frowns, seemingly snapping out of whatever trance he was just in.

“How do you feel?” Tim asks again.

Jay rubs at his face before he glances down to his stomach. "I don't know. Better maybe. It still kind of hurts though."

"Well the doctors said it should take a few weeks for it to fully heal." Tim hands the bag of food to Jay. "Eat this."

Jay barely even peeks inside before he pushes it aside. "I'm not hungry."

"Jay, I'm not taking you to the hospital again just because you don't wanna eat.”

Tim always did think that Jay was probably thinner than he should be. He was always more interested in playing detective rather than ever actually taking the time to take care of himself and actually eat a proper meal. It was a constant cycle of too many late nights spent hunched over his laptop, going through tape after tape, all while failing to ever properly deal with his needs.

In those earlier days of hotel hopping, Tim wondered how Jay had managed to even survive at all before he came along. He's sure that if he wasn't forcing him to eat at least something each day, he wouldn't have eaten at all. 

Even now, Tim finds himself glaring at Jay until Jay eventually gives an exasperated sigh and reaches into the bag to grab something to eat.

They eat in silence after that, Jay not particularly interested in saying anything to Tim as they sit there, but Tim’s already used to that much. Ever since Jay got out of the hospital, he's been even less talkative than he was before. He sleeps most of the time, but in the times that he’s awake, he barely interacts with Tim at all. Tim doesn't take it to heart though, because who really knows what all is going on inside Jay’s head these days.

Jay gets up to shower not too long after they finish eating. He mumbles something inaudible to Tim, maybe a thanks, before he disappears into the bathroom, leaving Tim alone with only the drone of the TV playing in the background to keep him company. 

Tim reaches for his medicine on the nightstand as the sound of him coughing gills the room. He grimaces as he swallows a pill dry, a few more coughs following before he manages to relax again. 

Tim sits around for a few more minutes before he gets up and goes over to the bathroom door. “Let me see how your stomach looks when you’re done,” he calls out when he hears the water stop.

There's a few seconds of silence before Jay responds. 

“I can do it myself.” Tim hears Jay mutter from behind the door. 

While Jay isn't particularly interested in making conversation with Tim, he's back to being argumentative and somewhat hostile towards Tim on occasion now.

“Just let me do it,” Tim sighs as he leans his head against the door. With Jay’s obvious lack of regard for his own wellbeing, he would've definitely had an infection by now if it wasn't for Tim.

Jay’s too much like a timid animal in that he’ll either run or bite anyone who tries to get too close to him. He’s an unyielding force who will always fight any sort of help that Tim might try to give no matter how much he might be hurting. Because if there's one thing that Tim knows about Jay, it's that he's more than content to pretend that he's okay instead of ever asking for help. He’ll suffer in silence until he breaks. And by the time he does reach out, it'll be too late. It'll be a missed call, a knife, and a bullet to the stomach.

Jay says nothing else, so Tim goes to sit back down on the bed to wait. Hopefully Jay will be smart enough to come to him once he's done. After all, Tim’s been putting Jay back together for days now. This is nothing new. 

A few minutes pass by before Jay comes back out of the bathroom. He glances towards Tim before he comes to sit next to him without a word. He doesn't have a shirt on or a bandage on his stomach, which is enough of an answer for Tim. 

Tim gets up to collect everything that he needs as well as to wash his hands before he sits back down. Jay looks off into the corner of the room, averting his gaze as Tim moves to look over his exposed stomach.

Tim checks for any new redness or swelling, but as usual, everything seems to be healing properly. With that done, he applies a thin layer of antibiotic ointment, watching as Jay shivers at the feeling in a way that Tim’s all too used to now.

“How does it look?” Jay asks, craning his neck to see before Tim can put a new bandage on. Just like Tim thought, he has absolutely no idea what to look for when it comes to this.

“Pretty good.” Tim tracing his fingers over the delicate skin around the marred skin. “It's healing nicely.”

Jay frowns. “I thought it would take at least a little longer than that to start healing.”

“Well, it's been like a week since you left the hospital, so it's been a little while.”

“It's been that long?”

“You've been pretty out of it, so I don't suppose that you'd really remember all that much, but yeah.”

“Oh…” 

Tim hesitates, but he decides against saying anything else. He turns his attention back to putting a new bandage on Jay’s stomach instead. He can tell that Jay is getting cold sitting out here with no shirt on, and he'd rather not have him shivering anymore. After doing this every day and night for more than a week now, he knows just how cold Jay gets by now. 

Jay might fight against him from time to time, but Tim will still put Jay back together as many times as it takes. He's probably the only reason that Jay isn't dead right now. Well…dead for an infection or starvation, that is. Hopefully one day Jay will come to understand that. 

–

It's not long until Tim finds Jay sitting in front of the laptop one night watching the entries that Tim had posted after Jay had gotten shot. 

He’s already told Jay about everything that happened, but having Jay actually see what he did–what he did to Alex, is a different kind of headache altogether.

With a quiet sigh, Tim pulls up a chair and sits behind Jay as he continues to go through the rest of the videos. As much as Tim doesn't want to see these videos again, he would rather keep an eye on Jay in case he decides to do something stupid afterwards.

Jay only flicks Tim a small glance before he turns his attention back to the laptop. He's silent as he watches, but Tim can see the way his hand hovers over his stomach–over the gunshot wound that should've been fatal; remembering a fate that was supposed to have been.

Tim tries his best to focus his gaze on the back of Jay’s head as he sits there. It's a sorry attempt to ignore whatever's happening on the screen, but it's not nearly enough to block out the sounds that echo through the quiet room.  

Tim squeezes his eyes shut. He fidgets with the chair, picking at the loose threads when his hands start to shake. He tries to drown out the sounds that come from the laptop, but they only seem to get louder as each second passes by.

The sound of Jay getting shot.

The sound of Brian’s body hitting the floor.

The sound of Alex choking on his own blood.

Everyone is gone because of you!

It's too much.

It's all too much.

Tim bites down on his bottom lip, his teeth tearing into the skin hard enough to draw blood. The taste of copper burns hot against his tongue. It's nauseating, bile rising in his throat until everything starts to burn.

Each breath shreds through his lungs, and it's almost like there's a pair of invisible hands pushing down on his chest. They shove him down, heavy and unforgiving as they submerge him into a pool of water that only he can feel. 

Tim shoves a trembling hand over his mouth, desperate to muffle the sob that threatens to escape him. He squeezes his arms around himself, tightly hugging his body in an attempt to quell the storm that builds inside of him. 

Jay can't see him like this. He can't. He can't know. He can't know that Tim’s still broken. He can't know that he’s a monster. He can't know that everything is his fault. He can't. He can't.

“Tim?”

He can't breathe.

“Tim?!” 

There’s hands on his shoulders, fingers digging into him hard enough to leave bruises. He can barely hear what Jay’s saying as the static ringing in his ears only gets louder. 

“Tim, hey–look at me, Tim–” Suddenly he feels the chill of Jay's hands grabbing his face. Tim instantly opens his eyes, startling as Jay crouches down in front of him and forces Tim to look at him.

Jay cups Tim’s tear soaked cheeks in his hands, his gaze almost gentle as he looks at Tim with what could only be worry. His hands are cold as he holds Tim’s face, but that's just another thing that Tim’s come to notice about Jay. That no matter what, he's always freezing. 

It's dizzying, and Tim can't stop himself from melting into the touch. He bites back a sigh, praying that Jay doesn't notice the way he leans further into his palm. He lets his eyes flutter shut again for a moment, a starved part of him craving so badly for something he didn't even realize he wanted. 

He hates it.

He hates this part of him.

And yet…even though his mind is still spiraling, with more tears spilling from his eyes, Tim thinks for a moment, that with Jay’s hands on his face, he might be okay.

Then Jay lets go.

“What's wrong?” Jay asks, oblivious to the way Tim almost lets out a whimper at the loss.

Everything.

“Tim?”

He can't stop himself. 

“Stay…” Tim regrets it almost as soon as it leaves his mouth. It's all on display now: the longing, the want, the need. The starved part of him that aches for something. For someone. It sends a cruel shudder down his spine, his stomach twisting all the more. 

He waits for Jay to get up. To leave him behind just like he's done too many times before. 

Tim wouldn't blame him if he did. 

But Jay doesn't move. 

Instead, he does exactly what Tim had asked. 

He stays.

It's quiet now. Only the sound of Tim’s ragged breathing and the hum of the heater fills the room. Jay sits down in front of him and watches Tim with what could only be curious eyes. He doesn't say anything else, and doesn't offer any sort of comfort, but he also doesn't leave. He stays sitting in front of Tim until they both end up falling asleep.

Somehow…it's enough.

–

Tim doesn't miss the way that Jay seems to study him with a newfound interest after that night. He hates it, and he’d honestly like nothing more than to avoid Jay all together right now. But living together in such a small hotel room doesn't really allow for him to do that. Nor does the fact that Tim doesn't really want to let Jay out of his sight either. 

Luckily Jay never actually mentions anything about it. He also doesn't say anything about how Tim reacted when Jay grabbed his face either. Although, now that Tim thinks about it, Jay probably didn't even notice that. It was probably only Tim that felt weird at that moment. Jay was probably more focused on him freaking out and crying. Not that that really makes Tim feel any better about it. 

For the most part though, Jay seems to be getting better. He's slowly coming back to himself as each day passes, and his memory looks to be getting better too. He still isn't particularly eager to leave the hotel room though, or to do anything at all for that matter, which worries Tim just slightly.

It's like he's lost with nothing to do now that Alex isn't hunting them down. Not that Tim really knew much–or even remembers anything about how Jay even was before all this. Maybe he was always like this. Maybe he always kept himself hidden away from the world.

Tim wonders what Jay even did when he wasn't working on Marble Hornets with Alex and the rest of them. Did he have any family, other friends, hobbies, a job, a partner?

Does Jay even remember if he did?

Not too long ago Tim remembers Jay saying something about how he wasn't really doing anything with his life before this–that doing this actually gave him something to do with his life. He brushed it off at the time, but now Tim can't stop thinking about it.

A part of Tim wants to ask Jay about it, but he knows he shouldn't pry. Who knows how Jay might react if he did. He's already skittish enough as it is. There's no way he’d ever willingly tell Tim anything about himself.

But why does Tim even care so much anyway. Why does it matter to him who Jay was before or what he does now. 

What's the point in trying to get to know someone if they're just going to leave you behind one day?

Surely a day will come where Jay wants to go off on his own again.

It's an inevitable thing. 

This is nothing but a means to an end. 

Tim should know that.

–

After coming back to the hotel one night after what Tim hopes is a successful job interview, he finds the hotel room practically ripped apart. Everything is upturned, from the chairs to the mattresses, while the pillows and blankets are all tossed aside with varying other things. The contents of Tim’s bag are also dumped out all over the floor, the few things he owns scattered about like they don't even matter.

Tim carefully steps through the mess, navigating his way across the room until he reaches the bathroom. He sees that the door is open with the light on, so he peeks inside.

He finds Jay staring at himself in the mirror with what could only be haunted eyes. 

“Jay?”

Jay whips around to look at Tim, his face a ghastly pale, the dark circles beneath his eyes even darker than usual. “Where are the cameras?” he asks, a frantic edge to his voice.

Tim hesitates. 

“I figured we didn't need them anymore, so I got rid of them.” 

Jay twitches, his jaw tightening as he visibly tenses. "What if Alex is still out there? What if he's still alive? What if he somehow survived like I did–”

"No, Jay, he couldn't have survived that. Alex is dead. I know he's dead, I–”

I killed him.

"You thought I was dead and look how that turned out.”

Tim can't stop himself as he grabs the collar of Jay's shirt and shoves him back into the counter. “Alex is dead, Jay! He's fucking dead, okay? He's not coming back!" Tim yells, his voice straining as an irrational burst of rage claws at the front of his mind. "Just stop already!" 

“You don't know that.”

"Jay! Why won't you just fucking listen to me? It's over now. It's over!” Tim lets his hands fall back to his sides. “You can't keep doing this. You can stop now. You can stop…”

Tim trembles, every part of him unraveling as Jay gives him that very same icy glare that he gave Tim all those days ago when he found the tape that Tim was hiding from him. 

"Well that thing is still out there. We can't just sit around and do nothing about it," Jay argues as if that makes it any better.

Tim gives a dry laugh. "And what? What the hell are you gonna do about it, Jay? Tell me. How the hell are you gonna stop that thing?" 

"I don't know. I’ll figure something out.”

“Last time you tried to do something, you almost got yourself killed. Don't forget that.”

Tim turns to leave, more than ready for a cigarette, but he barely gets in two steps before Jay suddenly lunges at him. 

Like a battering ram, Jay slams Tim into the wall across from the bathroom. Tim grunts at the impact while Jay pins him to the wall. He's barely even able to register what's happening before Jay’s hands are grabbing at his neck. He presses his fingers hard into Tim’s throat, his hands unrelenting as Tim suddenly struggles to breathe.

“Jay! Get off!” Tim shoves Jay back without a second thought. There's a loud thud as Jay’s body hits the floor. He crumples to the ground with a groan, curling in on himself.

Tim doubles over, coughing as he gasps for air. "Jay…what the fuck…is wrong with you,” he growls in between breathes.

"You're hiding something from me. I know you are!” 

“What could I possibly be hiding?! Jessica is fine. Alex is dead. Brian is dead. Everyone else is fucking dead. What the hell else could I have to hide?!”

"I don't know. Something," Jay hisses as he clutches at his stomach. “Why else would you get rid of the cameras?” 

“It's always something with you, isn't it? I already told you–we don't need them anymore, and this is exactly why,” Tim growls through clenched teeth. “You already saw everything that was on them, there's nothing else. I wouldn't lie about that!” 

Jay says nothing in return, his gaze falling to the floor as Tim paces back and forth in front of him.

“Seriously, why would you do that! You probably fucked up your stomach now!” Tim’s whole body goes cold at the thought, worry quickly replacing his anger as he realizes he just pushed a still injured Jay to the ground.

"Don't touch me.” Jay swats at him when Tim crouches down next to him. "I’m fine." 

Tim grabs Jay’s wrist when he tries to move away. “We're not gonna get anywhere with you acting like this.”

Finally, Jay stops resisting. Of course that doesn't stop him from sulking, and he refuses to look at Tim while Tim lifts his shirt to check his stomach.

"Why are you still hanging around me? You have no reason to anymore,” Jay mumbles while Tim looks for any bleeding. “I mean, the only reason you were with me before is because you had no other choice. You didn't want anything to do with me before that. If this is really over like you say, then we don't need each other anymore.” 

Tim is still holding on to Jay’s wrist, so they can both feel the way his grip tightens when Jay says that. 

"You really want me to just go on my merry way when you're like this.” Tim almost laughs if not for the way his throat tightens. “You're a danger to yourself and everyone else around you, Jay.”

And you're all that I have left.

…

There's a faint drizzle of rain outside as Tim shoves himself out of the hotel room. He moves with a little too much urgency after he finishes checking over Jay’s stomach, but he needs to get out of that room before it suffocates him.

He makes his way to the balcony just outside their room. The cool air against his face is a pleasant change, and it's almost enough to calm the heat that rages inside his still shaking body as he looks out onto the parking lot.

Tim digs around in his pocket until he finds his lighter and pack of cigarettes. He leans over the railing as he brings the cigarette to his quivering lips. The smoke curls around him as a flash of lightning lights up the night sky. 

The nicotine slowly soothes over his ragged nerves until he can start to think again, the tension in his shoulders easing up as his irritation washes away with the rain. Quietly he counts to himself, pausing when a boom of thunder rumbles in the distance.

Tim glances back at the sound of the hotel door suddenly creaking open behind him, his eyes narrowing as Jay comes to stand beside him. 

Jay rubs at his arm awkwardly, his head bent as he approaches Tim. “I’m sorry,” he mumbles, following Tim’s gaze into the parking lot. “I just–I don't know. I don't know anymore.”

Tim considers him, wondering what could have possibly changed in the past few minutes.

“Do you ever know?”

“No, I guess I don't.” Jay pauses, hesitating. “Tim?”

“What?”

“When was the last time you even slept properly?” 

Tim raises an eyebrow at Jay. “Does that really matter?”

Do you really even care?

“I don't know. Maybe.”

“You should probably be more worried about yourself, or did you already forget that you literally just tried to attack me.”

“I know, that's–that's not what I meant.”

Tim shakes his head. Smoke twists between them. Thunder booms somewhere in the distance.

“Just stop talking then. I don't wanna hear it.”

“Tim–”

“No. Stop. Just stop. I’m not doing this right now. Not with you. Not after what you just pulled.” 

“I told you I’m sorry.”

“Congratulations. That really makes me feel a whole lot better. Will you leave me alone now?”

Jay glares, his mouth twisting. “You say that I need help, but look at you.”

Tim grits his teeth. How can one person–the very person he’s stuck with, be so goddamn punchable. 

“I am getting help.”

“And how's that working for you?”

“Well I’m not seeing things or losing time anymore, so I’d say pretty good.”

“You know that's not what I’m talking about.”

Tim knows Jay’s talking about what happened the other day. But he won't talk about it. Not with Jay–not with the guy who just tried to attack him over nothing but unfounded paranoia.

“At least I’m trying.” Tim steps towards Jay until they're only a breath apart. “What have you been doing? You haven't even left the hotel room since we got here. This is the farthest you've gone in weeks.”

Jay takes a half step back when Tim gets too close to him. “You wouldn't let me leave even if I wanted to.”

“I’d have gone somewhere with you if you asked.” Tim waves his hand when he sees Jay open his mouth to say something else. “But I’m done talking about this. It's not like you would even care about what I have to say. You'd just blame me for something else or think I’m hiding something from you.” 

Jay rubs at his arm again, his lips pressing into a thin line. He lets out a heavy sigh, his tired eyes finding their way to Tims as if he’s searching for something.

“Tim, I’m sorry, okay? I told you I’m sorry. I don't know why I did that back there. I just–I still feel like I’m going crazy, like something or someone is still watching me. I barely even know who I am anymore or what I even did before all this. The camera was all I had and I don't…I don't know what to do without it now…” 

The rain continues to fall.

Tim takes another drag of his cigarette. 

“Well it's a little hard to help you when all you do is fight everything I try to do for you.” 

Jay doesn't say anything else, but he doesn't leave either. He lingers like an ever persistent parasite that Tim’s gotten himself stuck with. 

Just a few days prior, Tim had asked Jay to stay. Now Tim would like nothing more than for Jay to be as far away from him as possible. Although he isn't sure if that would put him more on edge–not knowing where Jay is, that is. They're tied together now whether either of them likes it or not.

A few more lightning strikes flash across the dark sky, while the rain starts to fall even harder, the sound drowning out the silence between them until it almost feels comfortable again–

Jay suddenly makes a grab for him, and Tim flinches back before he realizes it's his cigarette Jay wanted. 

“What are you doing? You don't smoke.”

“Maybe I wanna try.”

“No way. You already have enough wrong with you.”

“What if it would fix me?”

“Oh please,” Tim scoffs as he blows a cloud of smoke into Jay’s face. “Nothing can fix you, darling.”