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Stede hummed quietly to himself as he scrolled through the online auction listings. The magpie part of his brain screamed "mine!" at almost every item — he was constantly amazed by the sheer amount of talent in the Tree Change fandom — and his Watchlist was getting a tad unwieldy. It might be time to adjust his original budget.
"Whatcha doin', love?" Ed flopped down next to him on the sofa. He snuggled in close, resting his head on Stede's shoulder as his eyes scanned the laptop screen.
"Looking at the craft fair preview," Stede replied, turning his head to place a soft kiss on Ed's hair. "I wanted to see all the handmade goodies on offer before bidding officially begins tonight."
"Wanted to get your battle plan mapped out, more like," Ed chuckled.
"I mean… it's true," Stede admitted. "I do enjoy a lively bidding war. Especially when it's for a good cause."
The auction was the newest fundraiser organized by a group of passionate Tree Change fans; it was set up as a craft fair of sorts, with a goal of raising at least $30,000 for the United States Immigration Coalition, a non-profit organization that provided legal representation to the thousands of people who had been kidnapped by America's immigration enforcement goons, and helped them navigate the convoluted shit show that was the United States immigration system.
"Just please promise me that you'll let someone else buy my crocheted Elm of Wisdom." Ed kissed the tip of his nose. "I'll make you one of your own."
"Oh, yeah?" Stede smiled. "What'll it cost me?"
Ed pretended to think about it. "I have a few ideas—"
"Deal," Stede interrupted.
"Babe, you have no idea what I was going to say," Ed laughed.
"Edward," Stede arched an eyebrow, "please be serious. You and I both know that I'd say yes to pretty much anything you wanted. Darling, this is quite literally a no-lose situation for me."
"It's gonna be something weird," Ed whispered, leaning in to kiss him softly.
"I'd be disappointed if it wasn't," Stede whispered back, his lips brushing Ed's as he spoke.
"I love you so fucking much," Ed said with a happy little sigh.
"I love you so fucking much," Stede replied with an equally fond expression. Then his eyes caught something on the laptop screen. "Oh! Look at this one." He pointed to a thumbnail image of what looked to be a child's drawing of a chicken.
"Goofy Chicken," Ed murmured, reading the listing title. "More like, 'Fucking Awesome Chicken.' Mate, click on the thingy. I wanna see who made that masterpiece."
"Awww," they said in unison as they read the description. The goofy chicken art was the work of the youngest child of one of their fellow Tree Change fans. Youngest Child had created and donated the chicken art to help other kids and make people smile.
"Says here the chicken's name is Goofus Doofus." Ed nodded in approval. "S'fucking perfect."
"You want the chicken, don't you?" The corners of Stede's mouth curved up as he glanced at Ed.
"No, babe, I don't want the chicken." Ed sounded so serious. And then he turned those big brown baby cow eyes on Stede. "I need the chicken. I must have the chicken."
Stede shook his head fondly and pulled up his auction spreadsheet. There was no discussion to be had. "Well, okay then. I'm adding the goofy chicken to our auction budget."
"Uh, he has a name," Ed teased lightly. "A beautiful one."
Stede barked out a laugh and replaced "goofy chicken" with "goofus doofus" in the spreadsheet.
—
Stede carefully shut the bedroom door behind him, leaving Ed still in bed, quietly snoring. He went through his morning routine, and once his tea was ready, he carried it to the front porch. He wrapped his robe around himself a little tighter and settled into his favorite chair, sipping his tea as the forest woke up around him. After staring off into space for a while, lulled into a meditative stated by birdsong and the rustling of leaves in the breeze, he gave himself a little shake and reached for his phone.
He pulled up the auction website, planning to skim through the listings and enter some opening bids of his own. The auction had gone live in the middle of the night in their time zone, but it was still early — bidding had only been open for a few hours — he needed to remember to pace himself.
He couldn't help the laugh that burst out when he saw the total amount raised listed front and center on the main page. The initial goal was $30,000 and they were already halfway there only a few hours into the auction.
Stede sipped his tea as he skimmed the listings. The painting of Rupert and Tāne was a must-have; he knew exactly where he was going to hang it. He was definitely bidding on the pair of handmade dagger earrings. They were perfect for Ed. And speaking of Ed, Stede needed to bid on the goofy chicken art.
Stede was only half-paying attention as he scrolled to find the chicken listing, mentally calculating a good starting amount, and nearly choked on a mouthful of tea when he saw the current goofus doofus bid.
$1720?!
It took Stede all of three seconds to completely bin his original budget. No hesitation. Because Stede was powerless against Ed's Disney princess eyes. He was getting Ed the chicken art if he had to take out a loan to do it. He quickly typed in a bid for $1725 and confirmed it before he could second-guess himself.
"That should be enou— what the hell?" Stede frowned at the 'You have been outbid' notification that immediately popped up on the page. Well, that was just unacceptable. He entered a bid for $1730. "Okay, gods_silliest_goose, let's see how you like thi— Seriously?!" Gods_silliest_goose had immediately outbid him again.
He was still glaring down at his phone when Ed emerged from the cabin half an hour later, his nose buried in his phone. "Fucking hell, mate! Have you seen how much goofus doofus is going for right now now?"
"$1761. I know," Stede replied, not looking up from his phone. "Don't worry, darling. I might have to sell a kidney, but I will win you the goofy chicken."
"Aww, that's sweet," Stede heard Ed say somewhere off to his side. But then there was a long pause, and Ed's tone changed. "Hang on. Stede, babe, you're not actually bidding almost $1800 for goofus doofus, right? Right?"
"Oh, that's a good idea," Stede murmured distractedly and punched some numbers into his phone. "Oh, come on!!!"
Ed's phone pinged with a notification, and Stede might have heard him say, "Yep. You absolutely did just bid 1800 actual dollars" under his breath.
Suddenly, Ed was crouched in front of him, taking his phone out of his hand. "Hey, Stede? Mate? Look at me."
"Oh." Stede blinked. "Good morning, dearest."
"There you are," Ed said softly. "Good morning, sweetheart." He smiled. "Now, I know we technically have the money for goofus doofus, but love, I don't really need him."
"But I want you to have him."
Ed chuckled. "Babe, when I said that last night, I figured he'd go for, like, 300 bucks. Take the 'L' and let," he checked his phone, "gods_silliest_goose enjoy their hard-fought lead."
"Okay," Stede acquiesced. "Just promise you'll tell me if you change your mind."
"I promise," Ed replied. "But I'm not going to change my mind. What I am going to do is watch this thing like it's a fucking Olympic sport."
"I look forward to the strategic analysis and color commentary."
"Also, my next tattoo will be goofus doofus."
—
Ed had not been kidding. Over the next several days, Stede would hear the occasional small gasp, which was usually followed by, "Stede, Guess what! Goofus doofus just passed X dollars! I hope this kid knows they're the fucking GOAT."
Stede was rudely awoken on day 3 by Ed smacking him on the chest and screeching, "FOUR THOUSAND DOLL HAIRS FOR GOOFUS DOOFUS! FUCK YEAH!"
On day 4, Stede heard Ed suck in a breath. He looked up from his book in time to see Ed sit up straighter in his chair.
"Yessss," Ed whispered excitedly.
"Big bid?" Stede asked.
Ed shook his head. "A new player just entered the arena. Account name is Married2theSea. They just bid $4100."
"Only to be immediately outbid by gods_silliest_goose?" Stede asked.
"Yep. $4101."
"Well, I hope Married2theSea is prepared for a fight," Stede mused. "Because gods_silliest_goose has some serious goofus doofus money and they're out to win."
By the time the last day of the auction rolled around, goofus doofus had racked up $4131 with gods_silliest_goose in the lead. The bidding had slowed, but Ed was on the edge of his seat waiting to see if gods_silliest_goose would hold out or Married2theSea would swoop in for a last minute snipe.
"$4135. No, $4137." Ed kept refreshing the page as the auction entered its final minutes. "Fuck, my stomach is in knots."
Gods_silliest_goose slid in just under the wire with a bid of $4141 to win the goofy chicken art.
Stede did quite well for himself in the end too, snagging the Tāne and Rupert painting he'd really wanted, along with a set of Pride coasters and a slew of Buy Now listings that Ed had purchased on The_Gentleman_Bidder's account throughout the auction, including a half a dozen "Mystery Meat" crocheted dick-shaped chapstick holders that Ed had added to Stede's account, while giggling like a schoolboy the entire time.
The organizers raised the goal twice during the auction, to $50,000 and then to $75,000. Ultimately, they raised $72,000 for the USIC. The Tree Change crew really was a big-hearted, generous eco-pirate horde, and Stede was proud to be a part of it.
—
Stede found out who won the goofy chicken art a month later when Ed shared a photo of his goofus doofus tattoo in the group chat, and Jim replied with a photo of them holding up the framed drawing with the caption, "Nice tattoo, amigo. But doesn't beat real thing."