Archive of Our Own

Buck is fine. Sure, getting in a car accident and then getting kidnapped isn’t exactly his idea of a good time. And, yeah, believing his best friend is dead while being trapped in a creepy basement for days was awful. Traumatising, even. But he will be okay. There is nothing he can do about it now. Eddie is alive and Buck is back home. And everything is fine.

Buck’s biggest problem right now is his fucking matress. He had bought it when he moved in his place, leaving the old one at Eddie’s. So it isn’t exactly new, but it definitely isn’t old enough to be this horrible. In fact, it was perfect before he left for Nashville. Firm, but not so much so that it felt uncomfortable. And now, it’s all wrong. No matter how he lays down, it feels… off. 

Which is why he can’t sleep. He just spends every night tossing and turning and drifting off into light sleep before he jerks awake twenty minutes later. And then, when 5 a.m. rolls around, he gives up and, having only slept about 2 hours in total, moves to his couch where he watches whichever movies recommended to him until someone inevitably comes to check on him.

Maddie has made him a promise not to go overboard like she did the last time he almost died, but she still comes over whenever she can, more often than not bringing Jee and Nash with her—his favorite company, of course. If Chimney can’t come with, he makes sure to visit Buck after shift, always in the company of Hen and Ravi. And Buck truly doesn’t mind the company. He welcomes it, in fact. He is bored out of his mind as he waits to get cleared for work, and he doesn’t necessarily enjoy the quiet of his home when he can’t fill it with anything but documentaries. 

He only wishes they would stop inquiring about his well-being. He is fine. And he doesn’t need anyone worrying about him. But no one really seems to get that. Even Eddie.

Eddie, who had been in the same car accident and only got back to work a few days ago. Eddie, who had always known exactly what Buck needs. Who had always let Buck come to him, never wanting to crowd him when he knew Buck wouldn’t want him to. 

That same Eddie has been coming over to his place every day for weeks. Even when he shouldn’t have been driving while his head healed, even when he had Christopher to take care of. He was still here, checking in on Buck, insisting on monitoring his healing. Healing of what exactly, Buck didn’t know, since the only injuries Buck sustained were some cuts and bruises and a mild concussion. Buck’s had way worse. Eddie didn’t exactly appreciate it when Buck told him that. He only glared at him and then checked the cuts on his face and hands for the third time that day. 

What Buck is really bothered by is that he can’t pinpoint why exactly Eddie is so different now. They have been best friends for years, and they have both been in some harrowing situations, and they had always gotten through it. And sure, the last year has been tough for Eddie, for all of them really. But it’s Eddie. He panics only inside of his mind, and keeps a cool exterior. The only thing that ever shakes him up like this is when something happens to Chris. And Buck is, obviously, not Eddie’s fifteen year old son. 

Thankfully, he should be able to go back to work in a couple of days. He had been ready for a while, but the department had forced him to take more time off to recover. Again, recover from what, Buck asked. He was healthy, and strong, and nothing really physically hurt anymore. He was a little sleep deprived, but that wasn’t anything new. It’s not like firefighters are known for their stellar sleep schedule.

He will be fine.

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Buck is not fine. He is trying to pretend he is, of course, but Eddie knows him too well to buy the act. To be fair, his act is so bad, not even strangers on the street would believe him, but still. Eddie notices things most people probably don’t. Like how Buck slightly hesitates before he gets into a car, or how he never closes the door to his bedroom anymore. How he is always so tired. Sometimes Eddie suspects that the only times Buck sleeps are when he is with him. Those short naps after Eddie checks his injuries and settles on the couch next to Buck might be all the daily rest Buck gets. Not that he had ever admitted it, but Eddie isn’t stupid. And Buck clearly isn’t okay.

Today is his first day back to work since the kidnapping. Eddie had been back for over a week, which had been great. It was always easier to deal with things when he had something else to occupy his mind with. Eddie can recognise that his coping methods aren’t exactly the healthiest, but at least he can admit that something is in fact, not okay about him. That, for him, is progress.

Buck, on the other hand, is so adamant that he is doing well, Eddie can’t even figure out how to get him to crack. Buck doesn’t usually hide things like this from him. They have never exactly been the best communicators, but they always work it out eventually. They figure out what the other needs, and they get through it together.

The problem is that Eddie can’t think. He can’t put his own feelings aside to focus on what Buck needs. He can’t work around his own anxiety over having almost lost someone he loves again. And not just anyone—Buck. His best friend. Whom he loves more than anyone in this world, save for Chris. Who has changed his life in so many ways and made Eddie feel loved in a way he never has before. Eddie can’t be sure Buck reciprocates his feelings since he didn’t get the chance to bring it up on their way home, but whether Buck loves him romantically or platonically, Eddie knows that love is unconditional. And thinking he had lost that, lost Buck… Eddie can’t get that panic out of his mind.

Which is why he only ever let Buck out of his sight when he had to. If he had his way, he would have temporarily moved in with Buck, but he figured that Buck would react to that about as well as he had to all his other nagging and probing over the past couple of weeks. There had been a lot of that. Eddie would come over as early as he possibly could after seeing Chris off to school, ask Buck every question he could come up with, hoping it would encourage Buck to open up, and then Buck would brush him off and grumpily slump on his couch until Eddie had to leave to pick up his son. Most days Eddie would come back with Chris, which always helped lift Buck’s spirit back up. Eddie just wishes Buck wouldn’t revert back to his new status quo the second Chris left the room.

Now, Buck will be back at work, and Eddie still isn’t sure how to get through to him. It honestly kind of terrifies him. Buck will be thrust back into life threatening situations after barely dealing with the emotional fallout of nearly dying, and Eddie can’t even properly have his back. Even if they were still partners, there isn’t much Eddie could do. If Buck doesn’t want to be helped, Eddie can’t force him to accept his offerings. But he can try. And he will. Because he can’t lose Buck, not ever again.

At 7:30 in the morning he pulls up to Buck’s driveway, just as Buck is locking up his door. He turns around as he hears the sound of the car engine and gives Eddie a confused look. They had no plans of carpooling, but Eddie knew his mind would quiet a little if he could only ensure Buck got to work safely. It wouldn’t always be like this. Eddie knows he can’t keep Buck out of harm's way forever, but he just wants to do anything he can to make sure Buck is okay for a little while.

“I don’t need a babysitter, Eddie,” Buck says as he gets in the car, looking as irritated as Eddie expected him to be.

“And yet, here I am,” Eddie replies with a grin on his face. If nothing else, he will annoy Buck into talking to him. 

Buck only gives him a glare and turns his head to stare through the window. Eddie starts the car and they spend the next few minutes in silence.

Eddie can’t take it anymore so he says, “We used to carpool all the time. It’s not a big deal.”

“Yeah, back when I lived in your house.”

Our house. It had been Eddie’s ever since he moved to LA, but in those months following Bobby’s funeral and Eddie’s return from Texas, it started to feel like it was both of theirs. Buck’s moving out technically made it solely Eddie’s house again, but that didn’t exactly make his new-found feelings disappear.  

He loved living with Buck. He loved the domesticity of shared meals and late nights spent talking on the couch. Playing video games with Chris and doing all of the chores together. Sure, they did most of those things together on a regular basis even after Buck found a new house, but it never felt the same. Eddie yearns for things to go back to how they were. He really misses his friend. 

“Before that, too,” he reminds Buck.

“My loft was on your way to work so it made sense. This,” Buck gestured around the car as he said, “doesn’t.”

“Wanting to spend time with my best friend before work makes no sense?”

“You were over every day for weeks, and we are about to work together for 24 hours.”

“Your point being?”

Buck sighs, probably realising he isn’t going to win here. Sarcastically he says, “You know what, you are right, Eddie. I’d love to spend more time with you.”

“Why thank you, Buck,” Eddie replies, smiling at him again. He is as pissed off as Buck at this point, but he anticipated how this would go. He has been dealing with Buck’s attitude ever since he woke up in the hospital, and he refuses to let Buck know this is getting to him. It won’t do either of them any good.

“So, what’s new with you, Eddie? Anything exciting happen in the last,” Buck checks an imaginary watch on his wrist before continuing, “10 hours since we last saw each other?”

“Oh, yes!” Absolutely not, but, again, not letting Buck get to him and all that. So Eddie launches into a story about his niece's school recital that Sophia sent him videos of. Thankfully, it’s the exact right thing to get Buck engaged in the conversation, and the rest of the drive feels a lot more pleasant. It almost feels like the old times.

The actual shift goes fairly smooth as well. Buck is welcomed back with a huge banner, an overpriced cake, and lots of hugs from everyone.

“Buckaroo, good to have you back!” Hen says, being the first one to greet them as they enter the station. 

“Good to be back, finally,” Buck says, smiling earnestly for the first time today. 

Eddie thinks he may have imagined the hint of irritation in his voice when he said “finally”, if it weren’t for the brief look Hen sent his way. They had talked a lot recently, and he knows she is also worried about Buck. They all are.

They walk up the stairs where the rest of the team is waiting.

Ravi is the closest to them and the first one to get to Buck. He hugs Buck briefly and exclaims, “Welcome back, man! Things were getting boring around here without you.”

“Don’t tell him that! His ego is too big already,” Chim chirps in.

“But it’s true?” Buck asks lightheartedly and Eddie feels like his heart is being squeezed. He missed seeing Buck like this—relaxed, joking around. He knows nothing is fixed and he is still concerned, but he has to admit that this is worlds better from Buck’s passive aggressive comments in the darkness of his house.

“It was meant to be a secret,” Chim replies, faking a glare in Ravi’s direction.

“Don’t worry, Chim, I know you love me.”

“I do,” Chim says, acting like it hurts him to confess that. Then as if remembering something he smiles brightly and adds, “But I am your captain and I will drown you in chores if you keep this up.”

Buck laughs, and then mimes zipping his lips.

They have breakfast, made by their returned chef, and then move on to the cake, which is admittedly pretty good. They get a couple of hours of uninterrupted peace, until the alarm goes off for the first time around noon. The rest of the day is a series of easy, short calls and a lot of down time. Eddie’s eyes follow Buck whenever they can, which results in Buck ignoring him and sticking with pretty much anyone else.

Eddie did make some observations, mainly about Buck’s sleeping habits. They were what worried him the most, so he paid a lot of attention to where and when Buck would fall asleep. And the thing was, he slept any chance he got. Which was extremely weird for him. And the weirder thing was, he fell asleep on the couch multiple times, never attempting to leave for the bunks. The only time he went to the bunks was when he knew Hen was already there. It was almost like he refused to be left alone while he slept. 

That actually made a lot of sense. With the way Buck was always tired, but never sleeping when Eddie showed up to his house early in the morning. And how he always napped when Eddie was there, every day without exception.

Eddie had thought a lot about how it must have been for Buck, trapped in an unfamiliar place, thinking he was about to die. Completely alone. Terrified. He had closer calls, Eddie knows that. They both did. But this was so much worse than anything else either of them had to face before. When Eddie was trapped in a well, he found a way to get himself out, and he doesn’t even remember anything after he got shot. Buck couldn’t do anything to help himself this time. He was scared and alone and no amount of fighting had done anything for him. All he could do was wait and hope somebody gets to him in time. Eddie can’t even imagine how helpless he felt. 

Of course he is now scared to sleep by himself, in his empty house. Of course, he wouldn’t want to be alone. If only he knew Eddie wouldn’t leave his side ever again if Buck let him.

──────────

Buck’s first days back on the job pass smoothly. Even the stupidest calls feel good to him after being away for so long. He is just happy to be there with his team again. And it doesn’t hurt that most of the time the calls are few and far apart, which allows Buck to get in some much needed rest. The beds at the firehouse are great, and even the couch is more comfortable than his bed at home. He really needs to get a new mattress. 

He is in the process of browsing during a particularly boring shift when he feels someone lean over his shoulder to read his phone screen.

“You buying a new mattress?” Eddie asks as he walks around the couch to sit right next to Buck.

Of course it’s Eddie. He has made it his mission to never leave Buck out of his sight to the point where the only alone time Buck has is when he goes to the bathroom. And, sure, they have always spent a lot of their time together. It used to be the most natural thing in the world, a universal fact that Buck and Eddie are somewhere in each other's orbit. Buck never minded that—he preferred it that way in fact. There is nothing he loves more than spending his time with Eddie. 

But ever since the kidnapping, Eddie had been overbearing in a way even Maddie hasn’t ever managed to accomplish, and he has been almost insufferable since Buck came back to work. No matter where he is, he can feel Eddie’s concerned eyes following him, and it’s driving him crazy. 

“Yeah,” he replies.

“Didn’t you just buy a new one when you moved in?” Eddie asks like he doesn’t already know the answer. 

“I did, but it sucks.”

“How so?”

“It’s all weird, I can’t sleep on it.”

A look passes over Eddie’s face that Buck can’t identify. A second later it’s replaced by Eddie’s new default, concern. “Are you sure that’s the reason you can’t sleep?” he asks slowly, like he is trying not to spook a small child or a wild animal.

“Yes, Eddie, I’m sure.”

Eddie obviously doesn’t believe him, which doesn’t do much to improve Buck’s mood.

“Okay, what do you think it is?” Buck snaps.

If this happened at any other time over the past eight years they have known each other, Buck knows Eddie would have snapped right back. Instead, he schools his expression and speaks in a calm voice, as he has been doing for weeks, “I think you have been through something traumatic and it’s normal that it’s still bothering you.”

“I’m fine. If anything, it seems you are the only one still bothered by any of it.”

“Of course, I’m—”

Eddie’s voice is muffled by the sound of the alarm, and Buck takes his chance to escape the rest of this conversation. They don’t speak for the rest of the shift.

And they don’t bring it up again. Weeks go by and things mostly go back to normal. As normal as they can be with Eddie’s misplaced worry taking up space between the two of them. But other than that, everything is okay. Buck feels exhausted almost all of the time, but his new mattress is on the way so that should be resolved soon. 

Work gets more tiring, and a couple of busy shifts in a row prevent Buck from resting at the station. But that’s okay, he can’t exactly be mad because he has to do his job. Besides it’s only an issue until he gets the mattress situation fixed, so all’s good.

That is until, about a month or so after his coming back to work, they get called to a big apartment fire. The call itself isn’t exactly abnormal, they deal with fires all the time. Big ones like this always take a long time to get under control. They can be pretty draining, especially when it’s nearing the end of a 24-hour shift. 

Still, Buck can’t exactly account for why his body feels as tired as it does. Why he feels like his limbs are dragging him down or why his eyelids are so heavy. Logically, he knows he isn’t getting enough sleep, but it’s not like him to not be able to push through it. So he does. And he manages to get the job done pretty well, he thinks. 

Only when they are about to head towards the engine to get back to the station does Buck’s strength fail him. Vaguely he feels the pain as his body hits the ground. He hears shouting and then everything goes dark.

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Buck is on the ground and Eddie’s mind transports him back to the desert. He can almost feel the dust in his eyes and hear the crinkle of the sand. Not again. Please, not again, he thinks. 

Except they aren’t in the desert, but in the middle of LA, on a call. And Eddie isn’t alone. Hen gets to Buck first, and Hen is great at her job. And Buck isn’t dying. It’s going to be okay. It has to be.

Chim makes him stay with Buck at the hospital until he is released. Eddie would have done it anyways, but he finds himself at a loss for what to do. He hasn’t even spoken to Buck yet and the only information Eddie has he got from the nurses. Buck is waiting on some test results and when it’s done Eddie will need to take him home. The issue is that he still has no idea how to get through to Buck, and the last thing he wants is to spend a whole hour in LA traffic, sitting next to Buck who will insist that he is fine even though he collapsed right in front of Eddie just a few hours ago.

He is, thankfully, saved from the pain of that conversation by Maddie who calls him as he is sitting in the waiting room.

“Hello?”

“Hey, Eddie. How is he?” She sounds scared, and while Eddie would never wish her any ill, he is glad someone else is as worried about Buck as he is.

“The doctors say he should be fine. He is just exhausted and sleep deprived and it’s catching up to him.”

Maddie is quiet for a bit, and when she finally speaks Eddie can tell she is holding back tears. “I knew he wasn’t doing okay, but I just have no idea how to help him.”

“It’s not your fault.”

“I know, but I still wish I could do something. I can’t just watch him hurt like this and do nothing.”

Eddie’s heart breaks for her. His relationship with his sisters had never contained the level of closeness that Buck and Maddie’s have, but he loves them to death and he has no idea how he would react if either of them was in the same situation. He’d probably be losing his mind a little, so he understands how Maddie feels. That wish to protect one’s younger sibling never really goes away. 

“We just have to keep trying. Maybe he will take this as a wake up call and admit he needs help.”

“I hope so,” she says sniffling a little. “I’ll take him home with me and force him to rest if I have to.”

“That’s probably a good idea.” Buck needs someone to take care of him right now, and Eddie isn’t the best person to do it. They would probably kill each other. “Are you on your way?”

“Yeah, just stuck in traffic. Can you wait with him if he gets discharged before I get there?”

“Of course.”

Though secretly he hopes he won’t have to. Avoiding Buck for the time being seems like the easier option. He knows he is in good hands with Maddie. Buck doesn’t need him, and more importantly, he doesn’t want his help.

Which is why, when Maddie arrives half an hour later and before Buck is done, Eddie leaves without saying goodbye. Maddie insists she can drop him off at the firehouse, but Eddie opts for an uber instead. He goes back to work ignoring the surprised faces of his coworkers and tries not to think about anything else but his job.

He fails miserably, but he can cry about it later.

──────────

Buck and Maddie are halfway to her house when she finally asks, “Do you want to talk about this?”

Buck very much does not, but he could feel her itching to say something ever since they left the hospital, and it had been driving him crazy.

“I don’t know what there is to say.”

“Buck, you collapsed at work. You are putting yourself in danger every day without having slept a wink. You aren’t doing okay.”

Maddie’s voice is laced with worry and Buck hates it. He doesn’t want anyone to worry about him, least of all his sister who has been through enough herself and is finally happy. Buck wants it to stay that way.

Before he can find the right words to reassure her, she starts speaking again. “I just don’t get why you won’t accept help. We are all here for you. I am here for you. And I just want to help you,” she pauses and blinks back tears. Her voice breaks a little as she says, “Please let me help you.”

Buck never could watch her cry. He doesn’t do well with anybody crying really, it always makes him emotional as well. But Maddie’s tears feel like a stab to the gut and Buck is helpless to do anything but to break himself.

“I’m tired, Maddie. I can’t do it anymore,” he says as he sobs into his hands. “I’m so fucking tired.”

There might be a part of him that did really want to talk. That wanted Maddie to ask, to pull it out of him. He has no idea how to even begin to unwrap everything that’s on his mind, and he is scared of even trying. But he is just so exhausted from pretending to be fine, from lying and hiding from everyone. He hates that he needs help, but Maddie is right—he is putting himself in danger. He could have died today, and he is so sick and tired of almost dying. He needs to get better.

“I’m so tired.”

He keeps repeating it until he can’t find his voice anymore. After that he just feels it like an echo in his mind. 

I’m tired. I’m tired. I’m so tired. 

He feels Maddie’s arms wrap around him, and realises she must have pulled over. He doesn’t really care where they are. He feels safe in his sister’s hold and he lets himself really fall apart for the first time in ages.

──────────

Buck spends the next couple of days holed up on Maddie’s couch. She takes time off work and stays with him and Nash. The only time she leaves his side is to drive Jee to and from preschool, and while it would have usually annoyed him, he actually appreciates it a lot. He gets to sleep and hang out with his favorite people, and he finally feels a bit better. He is still tired, but there is finally hope blooming in his chest. It’s going to get better. 

There are still other things he has to deal with, but he is content to exist in this bubble for a little while. Maddie, of course, has other ideas.

“Eddie called,” she says as she sits down next to him, having just left Nash to nap in his room.

And the bubble is burst.

“He called you?” Buck doesn’t mean to make it sound accusatory, but it isn’t exactly an unreasonable question either. It’s not like Eddie and Maddie are all that close, and while things have been tense between Buck and him for a while, Buck still thought Eddie would reach out to him directly. Going behind his back to check in with Maddie is so unlike him that Buck doesn’t know how to react.

“I’ve been updating him. He is worried.”

“He could have called me then,” Buck says, unable to hide the pettiness in his voice.

“He is probably just giving you some space. You haven’t exactly been welcoming his help lately,” Maddie says factually, but it still stings.

It’s a fair point. Buck had sort of been terrible to everyone, but most of all to Eddie. He was just always there, always hovering over his shoulder, and it pissed Buck off more than he cared to admit. He knows it’s unreasonable, but it doesn’t make him feel any different. 

He doesn’t know how to communicate any of that to Maddie, though. He takes a safer path and says, “Well, good. I don’t need him to take care of me.”

Maddie sighs. “But it’s not wrong if you want him to. Maybe he could help you in ways that I can’t.”

“What does that even mean?”

“It’s just… he is your best friend. And I love you, but that doesn’t mean you wouldn’t benefit from somebody else’s care. And I don’t think anyone cares quite like Eddie.”

Buck thinks his head might start to hurt. He is too tired to try and decipher what Maddie is saying.

So again, he tries to stir away from the heavy topic, and into something easier to think about. “He never cared before.”

Maddie starts to protest, but Buck stops her before she can. “Okay, I know he cared, but it was never like this. I actually died and he didn't come over to my place once. He let me come to him when I felt ready to. And now, he is over at my house all day, repeatedly checking injuries that don’t need to be checked, trying to get me to talk about it. I don’t get why.”

“He’s scared,” Maddie says simply.

“Of what?”

She gives him one of those looks that coming from her mean something along the lines of ‘You are being very stupid right now.’

“Yeah, okay, I almost died,” Buck says before she gets the chance to translate the look into actual words. “But again, he was never like this before.”

“Things are different now, though. This past year was rough for all of us. I think it makes sense that his behavior would be a bit out of character."

Buck hadn’t actually thought about it until he heard it out loud, but it makes sense. Bobby’s death had turned all of their lives upside down and Buck has noticed the changes in Eddie, as well as himself and the rest of his family. And Bobby wasn’t the only person Eddie lost this year—his abuela was also gone, which probably made Eddie even more intent on keeping everyone together.

He realises Maddie is still speaking.

“What?”

“I just said that it doesn’t help how different this situation is to anything you two have faced before.”

“What do you mean?”

Maddie speaks carefully, like she is weighing her every word, “Have you thought about what it was like for him? To wake up in a hospital, alone, and have the doctor tell him he was the only person in the car crash? Knowing nobody knew you were missing and that nobody was looking for you?”

“Oh.”

“I was terrified, Buck. When Chim told me nobody knew where you were, I immediately assumed the worst. But I at least knew someone was out there, trying to find you. Eddie, on the other hand… he was alone and hurt and the only person in the whole state who took the whole thing seriously.” She makes a pause, voice close to breaking. Buck takes her hand in his, wishing he could take any pain the memories are giving her. She squeezes his hand and continues when she regains her composure, “He is still scared. He doesn’t want to lose you again.”

Buck is suddenly so angry on Eddie’s behalf. He knows Maddie isn’t trying to make him feel bad, but he can’t help it. He thought about how difficult it must have been for Eddie, but they never really talked about it much—which is mostly Buck’s fault—and hearing it from the perspective of someone who actually knows what Eddie had been through breaks Buck’s heart a little.  

“He won’t lose me,” he says, as sure of himself as ever.

And he means it. He knows exactly how Eddie feels, because he felt it himself. Not knowing if Eddie is okay, whether he is dead or alive, and not being able to help him, almost broke Buck. He doesn't want either of them to go through it again. And if it’s in his will, Buck will do just about anything to ensure that they don’t stray away from each other like that again.

“Maybe you should tell him that,” Maddie says.

“Yeah, I will,” he says with a smile on his face.

He and Eddie are going to talk, and he is going to start sleeping better. And things will be okay. They have to be.

──────────

Eddie doesn’t reach out to Buck for days. He is slowly losing his mind.

He talks to Maddie every day, asks how Buck is going, offers to help in any way he can. She informs him that he is sleeping a lot, and relaxing, and slowly looking less sickly. And while she is the most trustworthy source when it comes to Buck, Eddie knows he won’t feel better until he can see it for himself.

He doesn’t want to bother him at first. If Buck is finally resting, Eddie should let him be. The worst thing he could do for him right now is go over there and disrupt his peace. They would probably end up fighting, and neither of them needs that.

So instead of talking to Buck, he talks to everyone else about him. And seeing as how Buck is currently residing on his couch, Chimney is his becoming his closest confidant. Very unfortunate development for his captain, who looks like he is contemplating running him over with the engine every time he approaches.

“Buck is fine,” Chim says as a way of greeting when Eddie comes up the loft stairs one morning.

“I wasn’t even going to—”

“Don’t lie to me, Edmundo.”

“Okay, fine, I was going to ask.” No point in lying when everyone can read him like an open book. He has become too transparent for his own good. “How is he sleeping?”

“Why don’t you ask him yourself?”

Here we go again. He has been having this same conversation with both Chimney and Maddie, and occasionally Hen, for days now.

“You know why I can’t.”

“I know why you think you can’t,” Chim says, giving him a pointed look. “And I am going to tell you once again that it’s bullshit.”

“We can do this all day. Can’t you just tell me how he is.”

“I told you, he is fine. In fact, he is probably going home today.”

He can’t go home. He can’t sleep alone.

“You kicking him out so soon?” Eddie says with a laugh that sounds weird to his own ears. None of this is really funny to him at all.

“Of course not,” Chim says, his demeanor changing to something more serious. “I told him multiple times that he can stay as long as he likes. He’s been doing so well, and honestly I’m kind of worried about him going back to his place, all alone.”

One of Eddie’s favourite things about Chimney is how hard he cares about people that he loves. He is always the first one to joke at other people’s expense, especially Buck’s, but there is nothing he wouldn’t do for any of them. And no matter how he acts, Eddie knows he has a soft spot for his brother-in-law, which makes Eddie believe he couldn’t have picked a better person to have this conversation with.

“I am, too. Maybe you should talk him into staying longer.”

“He is pretty set on his decision. I don’t think I have the power to do that.”

“Okay, but—”

“I don’t have the power, but you do.”

There was a time when Eddie wouldn’t doubt those words, but he finds himself unable to believe that right now. “I don’t know, Chim… He hasn’t exactly been willing to listen to anything I have to say recently.”

Chimney opens his mouth to say something, but he swiftly closes it. He looks guilty and like he is trying to find a way to exit the premises as fast as possible. He is hiding something, and lucky for Eddie, he is still the worst secret-keeper in the world.

“What are you hiding? Spit it out.”

“What? I wasn’t going to say anything. You are imagining things. You know, it’s really unprofessional to accuse your captain of something like that—”

“Chim,” Eddie says, interrupting his rambling. He was actually really curious what other stupidities Chimney’s anxiety-induced monologue would produce but he has to know whatever it is that Chimney is withholding. 

Chimney’s already thin resolve completely dissipates and he says, “Okay, fine. But you can’t tell Buck that I told you.” When Eddie nods, Chim continues, “Maddie talked to Buck yesterday, and I don’t know exactly how it went, but she convinced him that he should talk to you.”

That isn’t exactly a big secret Eddie was hoping for, but the fact that Buck is finally willing to let Eddie in makes him so happy that he doesn’t care about anything else. Thank God for Maddie Han. Eddie needs to remember to buy her a bottle of wine for her efforts. Two bottles, maybe. She deserves it.

“How did she do that? I’ve been trying for months.”

“Oh, I don’t know. Probably told him you were in love with him or something.”

“What!?”

Eddie hadn’t told anyone about his feelings for Buck. He didn’t even tell anyone he is gay yet. How would Maddie know? And—fuck, she actually told Buck. Eddie might die on the spot.

Chimney, the asshole that he is, starts laughing. “You actually are, aren’t you? This is the best thing ever,” he says like he is delighted by the information. Like Eddie confirmed something for him, and not like he was the one to suggest so in the first place.

Eddie is so confused. “What is even happening right now?”

“What is happening is that I am a genius.”

“This is not funny.”

“Right, sorry.” Chim leans in closer to Eddie, and when he speaks again his tone is sincere. “Honestly, I was mostly joking. I didn’t know anything for sure, and I didn’t tell anyone. You don’t have to worry about it. I don’t think even Maddie suspects it, and Buck for sure has no idea.”

That brings him some comfort. He isn’t scared of Buck finding out, and he truly believes nothing could jeopardise their friendship. They hit rough patches, and then they make up and things get back to normal. So even if Buck doesn’t feel the same, they would be fine. But Eddie doesn’t want him to know just yet. It isn’t the right time with everything else unresolved between them. He can tell him after they talk.

“Okay, but how do you know?”

“You wound me!” Chim replies theatrically. “I am very perceptive.”

“And what exactly did you perceive?”

“Oh, you know, all the heart eyes and pining,” he answers, as a smug smile spreads across his face.

“And we’re done here,” Eddie says and makes a move to get up and leave.

Chimney stops him. “Seriously, though, I’m happy for you. You know I like to make fun of you guys, but I think you’d be great together. You deserve to be happy, Eddie. And so does Buck.”

His words are so heartfelt Eddie thinks he could cry. He barely manages to keep his emotions in check when he thanks Chimney for his support. Eddie is definitely bringing him some beer alongside Maddie’s wine. 

“And you know, I think you should tell him. No point in waiting when you know how it’s going to turn out, right?”

“I don’t know how it’s going to turn out. And you are just saying that so you don’t have to keep this a secret.”

“You are correct. But I will keep my mouth shut if I have to, Eddie. I wouldn’t out you like that,” he says as he gets up and clasps Eddie’s shoulder. “You are wrong about the other thing, though. I know Buck feels the same, and so do you. You should think about that.”

He leaves Eddie alone with his thoughts. Not long after, the bell rings and Eddie has to put everything that’s on his mind aside. But as he is working, and later when he comes home Chimney’s words never leave him. Because he is right, isn’t he? Eddie knows deep down that there is only one way confessing to Buck could go. He just always kept putting it off, not even allowing himself to dream about such happiness. Such joy.

He could have it. He could go over to Buck’s place right now and they could resolve everything. They could talk, and Eddie could tell Buck he loves him and that everything is going to get better. And they would be happy together.

They will be. Because Eddie is already putting his shoes on and getting in his car.

──────────

After days spent at Maddie and Chim’s, Buck’s house feels emptier than usual. It’s bright and sunny outside, but every second he stands in his living room he feels a new layer of darkness surround him.

Not magically cured. Good to know.

He is better though. He feels more rested than he has in ages, and spending time with his family and not having to worry about anything recharged his batteries better than any amount of sleep could. Now he just has to get over this minor blip.

Except it’s not exactly minor. Being unable to sleep alone is actually a pretty huge blip considering he lives alone. And it’s exactly the reason he landed in a hospital for the second time this year.

Unable to shake off the feeling of uneasiness, Buck does the only thing he can think of to get his mind off of things—he bakes.

It’s almost dark outside, and he is contemplating which type of cookies he should make next—aside from the snickerdoodle and chocolate chip ones that are cooling down on the counter—when he hears the doorbell ring. He is so relieved at the prospect of having company that he doesn’t even check to see who it is. He’d be happy with just about anyone right now.

He opens the door so suddenly that Eddie startles and takes a slight step back. Oh, it’s Eddie. He shouldn’t be surprised considering how often they show up unannounced at each other’s places, but they haven’t exactly been talking recently. Buck was actually pretty sure Eddie was mad at him. Like really, really mad. Buck had been lying to him for weeks, and he put himself and a lot of other people in danger by working in the state that he was. Buck is still feeling guilty about all of that, and he wouldn’t blame Eddie for being disappointed in him.

However, Eddie doesn’t look mad. Eddie looks… Well, Buck isn’t actually sure. There is some unreadable expression on his face that Buck figures can’t bode well for him.

“Hey,” Buck says after staring at him for an unnecessarily long period of time.

“Can I come in?”

Buck steps aside and closes the door when Eddie steps inside. He heads straight for the kitchen, hoping the offering of sweets will help mellow out whatever Eddie is planning to say to him.

Eddie doesn’t let him get far and before Buck can mention the cookies he says, “I don’t want to fight anymore.”

“Eddie—”

“Can you just let me say this?” Eddie waits for Buck’s nod of confirmation before continuing, “I’m not apologising for anything, okay? I had no idea how to help you, and I still don’t. But I tried everything, man. And you just wouldn’t let me get close and… Well, the point is I’m not sorry, but I don’t want to argue about this again.”

“I don’t want that either.” And oh, how Buck means it. He just wants his best friend back.

“Okay, good. We’re going to talk and work it out then.”

Eddie looks at Buck like he is challenging him, but Buck has no plan to contradict him.

“Okay.”

“Okay,” Eddie repeats again, seemingly unsure how to continue the conversation. He probably expected a lot more opposition on Buck’s part. “Uh… how are you, really?”

“Better,” Buck says simply. It’s the truth, but he knows Eddie can sense there is more to it.

“Buck, you collapsed at work because you hadn’t been sleeping. You still won’t see a therapist. And to my knowledge, you still can’t sleep alone. You aren’t okay.” Eddie’s voice is not angry, or showing any hint of irritation at all. He is speaking softly and slowly like he is trying to make sure every word of his reaches Buck.

“I—I’m working on it,” he replies, not even sounding convincing to his own ears. Facing Eddie’s unmasked concern is melting all the resolve Buck had about getting better on his own. He needed Maddie, and Chimney, and Jee, and Nash. He needed the rest of his friends, his family at the 118. And he really, desperately needs Eddie too.

“You’re not, Buck,” Eddie says, his voice cracking slightly when he says Buck’s name. He shakes his head the way he always does when he tries not to cry, and starts again, “You almost died. And I—fuck, I almost fucking lost it. I couldn’t even—if I hadn’t found you in time, if you hadn’t made it—” 

Eddie pauses again as if even thinking about Buck being gone is bringing him such physical pain that he is unable to speak. Buck thinks that might be true. It certainly is for him.

Eddie’s eyes are glistening with unshed tears and he clears his throat before continuing, “I can’t lose you. I love you too much, and I won’t survive it.”

The words make Buck’s heart beat so loud in his ears that he is afraid he will miss whatever Eddie says next. Logically, he knows Eddie loves him. He has proved it more times than Buck can count over the years, but Buck doesn’t think he has ever put it to words. Hearing it shouldn’t faze him this much, but he feels paralysed with the feeling. 

Eddie is unaware of Buck’s complete stillness in front of him, as he proceeds to speak, “Which means you can’t keep pretending things are fine. We can work this out together, okay? Just let me help, please.”

Eddie has his back, as he always does. It’s time for Buck to lean on it.

“Okay. Okay, Eddie.”

And Eddie does help. They talk and Buck promises to make a therapy appointment as soon as he wakes up the next day. They eat cookies and drink beer and watch stupid movies like they used to. It feels so normal, so domestic that Buck almost forgets The Issue. It only occurs to him when Eddie starts to get visibly tired.

Right, time to go to bed. To his dark, empty room. Back to loneliness and fear and tossing and turning.

“You ready to call it a night?” he asks, hoping desperately Eddie’s answer would be no.

“Yeah.”

Well, fuck.

Eddie gets up from the couch and extends his hand to Buck. Odd, but Buck isn’t going to turn it down. He gets up, but Eddie keeps his hand firmly in Buck’s, and starts walking in the direction of the bedroom.

“Uh… what are you doing?”

“Calling it a night,” Eddie says simply, like he isn’t aware that they are holding hands, which they have never done before, and apparently going to sleep in Buck’s bed together, which once again, isn’t their usual bedtime routine.

“And you’re calling it a night by going to sleep in my bed?”

“Yes, and so are you,” he replies casually.

Okay, sure, Buck can be casual, too.

He lends Eddie some clothes, and they brush their teeth and then get into Buck’s bed. Side by side. Together.

It’s not the first time it has happened, but it’s the first time it wasn’t really a necessity. Eddie is just sleeping in Buck’s bed because he knows Buck can’t do it alone. Because he knows him better than anyone. Buck didn’t need to ask for anything, because Eddie just knows.

Buck turns to his side so he can face Eddie, and Eddie does the same.

“Good night, Buck.”

“Good night, Eddie.”

Buck falls asleep almost immediately, and with a smile on his face. He gets a good night’s sleep in his own bed for the first time in ages. Turns out his mattress is pretty great, actually.

──────────

When he wakes up, he feels the sun on his back and the weight of a body sleeping next to him. Only Eddie isn’t actually sleeping, and when Buck opens his eyes he is met with Eddie’s brown ones staring at him.

Staring feels like a wrong word, though, because what Eddie is doing can only be called gazing, and lovingly too.

“Good morning,” Eddie says softly.

“What are you doing?”

“Looking at you,” he replies, still using that same laid-back tone from last night. As if it were the most normal thing in the world for him to act this way.

“I can see that. Can I ask why?”

“Because I can. Because you’re here.”

Eddie brings his hand up to Buck’s neck, and places two of his fingertips against Buck’s pulse point. Buck can guess what Eddie is leaving unsaid. Because you’re alive. The whole situation is so surreal that he thinks he might be dreaming still. Except if he were, he wouldn’t be able to feel Eddie’s fingers on his skin. Eddie’s fingers, that are still checking to make sure Buck’s heart is beating as if it will just magically stop. The same way he did when they were in that desert, fighting for their lives. His pulse picks up and he knows Eddie can feel it.

“Eddie—”

Eddie moves his fingers along Buck’s jaw, and he loses every sensible thought in his head. His best friend’s hands are gently roaming all over his face and hair and neck, and Buck’s thoughts are a jumbled mess.

Finally, his hand settles on Buck’s cheek and he starts to lean it. Buck has just enough sense to pull back and stare at him, eyes wide from shock.

What the fuck is happening? Maybe he should revisit his dream theory. It could be a very, very vivid dream. Or some sort of parallel universe. It would be exactly his luck that he fell asleep and landed into a world where he gets everything he wants, only to be forced to lose it later when he gets back.

“What—Eddie, what are you doing?” His voice is shrill and he winces at the sound of it.

“What does it look like I’m doing?” He is smiling and continues with the infuriating ease. Buck might push him off the bed.

He tries to match his nonchalance, but there is no way he is fooling anyone when he says, “Like you’re about to kiss me.”

“Right, exactly,” he says and slowly leans in again.

Buck’s head is playing his favorite record as of thirty seconds ago and it goes What the fuck what the fuck what the fuck what the fuck.

He pulls back again.

“What are you… You can’t just… You—you’re straight!”

“I told you I love you last night, Buckley. I think that makes me anything but straight.”

He is grinning, so clearly enjoying Buck’s confusion. Buck needs to think of a new revenge because pushing him off the bed won’t carry the message strongly enough.

“Of course you love me, we’re best friends!” Except Eddie loves him. Oh. “I didn’t think you meant… Why didn’t you say so?”

“It wasn’t the right time,” Eddie says, gently rubbing his thumb over Buck’s cheekbone in a way that sends shivers all the way down his spine. “Besides, this way is so much more fun.”

“Fun for you, asshole.” Buck hits him in the chest playfully, and Eddie catches a hold of his wrist to keep Buck's hand where it is. It’s so tender and loving Buck thinks he could cry. “You really mean it?”

“I do,” he says, grave serious this time. “I’m in love with you.”

Buck’s brain short circuits once more. He doesn’t doubt for a second that Eddie means it, but there is also a part of him that can’t believe his own ears.

“Say it again.”

“I’m in love with you.”

God, he has never heard a sentence so beautiful in his life. “Again?”

Eddie laughs and says, “I. Love. You.” He holds Buck’s gaze as he enunciates every word. “Are you convinced yet?”

Buck can only nod.

“Can I kiss you now?”

Instead of responding, Buck kisses him first.

And he isn’t all that worried anymore. He has Eddie and they are going to get through everything the way they always have—together.

Buck is going to be just fine.