Work Text:
You can stay with me
Baby, you can stay with me and nobody would care
You can stay with me
You can stay with me and just pretend I'm not there
—
Trinity came to with an IV in her arm, a tube in her nose, and an ache in her head. Her eyes were closed, but the light still managed to beat down, sharp and harsh, through her eyelids. She tried to speak, just to test if her voice was still working, but all that came out was a groan.
The noise alerted the nurse that was in the corner of the room, most likely there just to observe. Because now she needed observation.
She walked over, and Trinity forced her eyes open.
“Hey, you back with us?” The nurse had a kind voice. Motherly, in a way.
Trinity swallowed and cleared her throat. Coughed. “Yeah.”
The nurse grimaced sympathetically at the coarseness of her voice. And maybe the pinpricking tears in the corner of her eyes. She ducked out of the room for a second to call for a doctor.
“Are you feeling sick at all?” The nurse asked, walking back around the room. Trinity sat up to get a better look. Maybe before all of this, she could’ve said exactly what the nurse was doing, but right now her brain was mush. She recognised the BP cuff in the back of her mind, but didn’t register it until it was squeezing her arm.
“Just checking your vitals…” The nurse muttered reassuringly, sympathetically “You were in quite a rough shape on arrival…”
That word sparked a thought in Trinity’s mind as she ignored the first part of the sentence. Arrival. How had she gotten here? The plan was to— The plan was to not be… alive, anymore. No one was in the apartment except for her. Someone must’ve found her and brought her here. Thinking of the people that were most likely to find her just made her want to kill herself all over again. Or whatever.
“No, I’m, um. Not sick. Just a bit of a headache.”
The nurse, Trinity managed to get a peek at her namebadge, Sofia, nodded. “That’s to be expected. I can try and get you some medicine to help with that, but given the nature of your condition, that could be a little hard.”
“Do you, um, know how I got here?”
Sofia pursed her lips in that same sympathetic look that was starting to get a little bit really annoying. She sighed and shook her head. “You’d have to ask one of the doctors.”
Trinity nodded tightly. “Okay. Thanks.”
The nurse smiled solemnly, stepping out of the room as a doctor stepped in.
Trinity tensed.
“Dr. Abbot.” She greeted.
He nodded. “Would you prefer me to call you Trinity, or Dr. Santos?”
Getmeoutofheregetmeoutofheregetmeoutofheregetmeoutofhere.
“Um. I don’t mind.”
He nodded and took a seat on the stool, dragging it next to her bed. She flopped back in protest. She distantly noticed the blankets beginning to itch at her skin.
“Trinity,” He began, “We’ve given you intravenous sodium bicarbonate—”
She cut him off. “I know how you treat a TCA overdose. Jack.”
“It’s standard of care—”
“Let me guess what you gave me then.”
He nodded, irritatingly understanding, as she rattled off the protocol answer for TCA overdoses. She was, after all, overly familiar with this topic.
Abbot clasped his hands together. “Good. We’ve given you all of that, and a 72-hour psychiatric hold.”
Trinity jerked upright. “You did what?”
He gave her that same sympathetic tough-love smile. She wanted to punch him. “We’ve put you on a 72-hour psychiatric hold. Involuntarily.”
“There’s no need for that. You don’t even know why I overdosed.”
Abbot raised his eyebrow. “You’re saying it was an accident?”
“I’m saying you have no proof to put me on hold.” Trinity spat. She shouldn’t be kept on hold, they knew her, they could trust her to be okay. And they can’t afford to spare beds, they definitely couldn’t afford to waste a bed on her for a full 72 hours.
Abbot sighed and leaned forward. Trinity felt the air around him shift. He knew something she didn’t. “We don’t have solid proof that your overdose was a suicide attempt.”
Trinity made to argue, but he held up a finger to silence her. Which, for the record, wouldn’t have worked on her if her mind was clearer. She was then reminded of the headache that was still pounding at the base of her skull.
“We don’t have proof, but we have three signatures.” He said finally.
Oh. Trinity’s eyes widened, and she fought not to rip out the IV in her arm from anger. Maybe not even anger, just the sense that something had to be done. An outrage, maybe.
“Who signed?” Her voice was loud, and it worsened her headache, but she couldn’t bring herself to hold back.
Abbot held his hands up in defence. “Now, listen—”
“I have a right to know!” Her yell didn’t have quite the effect she wanted it to have. She fell back onto her elbows, pressing a hand to her head that had gone from aching to stabbing.
She watched him visibly acquiesce, letting his hands down and sinking into his seat. She noticed the tension remain in his shoulders.
“Me, for starters. As well as Dr. Shen. And… your roommate.”
Trinity blanched. “What the fuck— Dennis? Whitaker?”
Like a sailor in a big green boat
Like a sailor in a big green coat
“Yes. He was the one who found you.” Abbot was still talking, but Trinity had zoned out.
She could hear the shapes of words in his mouth, but it all sounded underwater. The lights were getting brighter, and her ears were starting to ring in a diamond-shaped noise. Astigmatism, tinnitus, the doctor in the back of her mind said.
The water began to rush, emptying her ears. “Where is he?”
You can be free
Abbot paused. “Whitaker?”
Trinity swallowed, nodding. “Yeah, where is he? And— uh, can I get something for my headache?”
Abbot looked like he wanted to say something, opening and then closing his mouth. He nodded, pushing his chair back as he stood up. “I’ll get a nurse to bring you some paracetamol. Whitaker is, uh, waiting in the staff room, I had to move him because he was getting in the way a bit… I’ll tell him you’re asking after him.”
Dennis found her, Dennis was getting in the way. Dennis was worried? She squared her jaw. “...Thank you.”
He nodded once again and left the room.
A nurse followed shortly after, delivering her some paracetamol and a much-needed cup of water. She downed it in one go, and felt the effects on her throat like honey. She opened her mouth to test it.
“Hi.” She coughed. “Hello.” Her voice was much clearer, echoing around the empty room. She was suddenly very aware of herself.
She was talking to herself in an empty room, following a failed suicide attempt. She was found by her best friend coworker, and treated by her boss. She had tried to kill herself. It hadn’t worked. She was counting on Dennis being at Robby’s. She tried to kill herself, and he found her.
Trinity’s mutterings to herself were punctuated with the sound of footsteps. Heavy, cautious footsteps.
Then came the sound of Dennis’s voice. “Trinity?”
You can be free and still come home
She silenced herself, looking up to meet his searching green eyes. They looked blue in this lighting.
“Hiya, Huckleberry.” She greeted, forcing her voice to sound neutral. They both ignored the break in it.
It’s alright
He rushed forward, falling into his steps as he reached the bed, flinging his arms around her.
“Trin, I was so worried about you.” He pulled back to face her, hands still gripping her arms. “You— you weren’t moving, or-or breathing, I was so scared.”
He hugged her again, hiding his face in her neck. She sat there awkwardly, before bringing up an arm, the one without the IV in, and rubbing him on the back slowly.
“It’s— um. It’s okay, I’m doing okay.” She said when he pulled back fully, sitting on the stool where Abbot had been previously. He reached out and held her hand, not wanting to give up contact completely. She watched his face screw up, eyebrows knitting together as he felt how weak her grip was.
I’m alright
“You don’t have to lie, Trinity, I don’t expect you to be okay right now.” His voice was disgustingly warm.
She ignored him. “How did you find me? I thought you were at Robby’s tonight.”
He shifted in his seat, hunching his shoulders awkwardly. “Yeah, I thought I would be too. Just… you were acting off during your shift today. I was worried, so I went to Robby’s to pick up some clothes, and then went back to ours to stay the night with you. That’s when I found you…”
“You shouldn’t’ve come.” Trinity whispered despite herself.
You can change, you can change
Dennis shook his head. “Don’t say that.”
“Well what’s stopping me from leaving this place and killing myself again, permanently?” Trinity half-joked. She felt bad seeing the look on Dennis’s face, but not bad enough to take it back. She’s many things, but she is not a liar.
“The psych hold, I would’ve hoped.” Dennis hung his head.
She didn’t reply. Dennis shifted, in that I’m-about-to-say-something-serious-now way.
“Why… Why didn’t you talk to me? About this?” He squeezed her hand to emphasise something that Trinity evidently wasn’t aware of.
She looked to the side and held her gaze there. She stared at a graphic on a poster of an overly positive cartoon child receiving their measles vaccine. When she was a child, she refused to get her vaccines done, she was way too scared of the needle. Her mother had to hold her down while she cried hysterically to let the pharmacist give her the shot. Her mother never bothered to take her to the GP to get it done, she waited until the pharmacy was giving it out for free.
She looked away from the poster.
“I don’t need to explain myself to you.” She folded her arms across her chest. She didn’t like being mean to Dennis, but it was her knee-jerk instinct, and she hated apologising more than she hated being mean to him.
“Is that because you don’t want to, or is it because you don’t know how?” Curse this stupid farmboy for being so persistent and caring. She sucked her teeth in.
“I… just… I can’t explain it in a way that will make sense to you.” Trinity said, forcing the words from the back of her throat.
You can change, you can change
“Try me.” Dennis said with that stupid, well-meaning Fuckleberry grin. A grin that was dampened slightly by the context of the situation.
Trinity steeled herself as she began to rack her brain. Thought-processes were already hard to unpack and understand, and it was even harder with the headache (the paracetamol hadn’t kicked in yet), and harder yet to verbalise it to the person she was probably, embarrassingly, closer with than anyone else in the world.
She opened her mouth and closed it. Once. Twice. She groaned.
“I just— didn’t want to bother you. You’re too nice, you don’t deserve to put up with my shit. And maybe I— fuck. You could’ve convinced me not to go through with it, when I really fucking wanted to.” Trinity finally said, turning her head away as she spoke so she wouldn’t have to face him. Maybe part of the reason I went through with it is because I thought you didn’t love me anymore.
She heard his face fall.
“You should’ve talked to me.”
She sniffed. Shut up. Shut up. “Why?”
“I could’ve convinced you not to go through with it.” He whispered, voice soft because it would’ve broken if he was any louder. The tears from before were coming back, stronger than they’d been in a while. She swiped one away, glad she was facing away from him. She got the distinct feeling of déjà vu.
“Why’d you do it?” Dennis asked, and Trinity felt compelled to tell him the truth.
“I was just so sick of being alone.”
You can change, you can change
She turned to face him this time. There were silent tears drying on his cheeks. They had a slightly rosy hue to them because of it, she noticed.
His eyes met hers. They looked so, so sad.
“Was it… because I left?” He asked, heart and voice breaking.
“That… that was, um, part of it.” She admitted, voice meek. She abhorred herself for being so vulnerable, and she abhorred herself for making her best friend cry. That had to count for something for someone.
You can change, you can change
“Fuck— I’m so sorry, Trinity. You know I still love you, right? You’re still my best friend, sister, practically. I wouldn’t be here without you, okay? I love you, Trin, please.” Dennis started blubbering, for lack of a better word. His grip on her hand tightened, as he reached for her other hand as well.
“Calm down, Huck. It’s not only because of you.” Trinity said, attempting to make him feel better. It seemed to help, if only very slightly.
Dennis took a second to wipe some of his fresh tears. “What— what else?”
She cycled through the reasoning in her head. Garcia didn’t want her anymore, she was being threatened to repeat her R2 year, her boss, the only male authority figure she had ever felt safe around, has left (maybe to kill himself as well?), Dr. Langdon is back because of-fucking-course, and—
“Today’s the anniversary of my best friend killing herself.” She blurted out.
You can change
Dennis blinked. “Oh. Oh. Trin… I’m so sorry. That’s so horrible.”
He looked like he was going to say more, but she held up her hand to stop in. Against her wishes, she began to cry. White hot tears, streaming down her face. They felt wrong on her. Dennis looked like he was going to cry too. Again.
Each tear felt like a slice across her skin. She let go of Dennis’s hand, reaching up to cover her face. She tried to wipe away each tear as it came, but they overwhelmed her. She was feeling frustrated, and useless, and really-fucking-bad, and Dennis was noticing too. He leaned over the railing and brought Trinity into a hug that she really, really needed.
Baby, you can change and still choose me
He brought her face to his shoulder and let her cry there. She didn’t hear Dennis crying, and she thought, for a silly moment, as if she was taking the tears from him. It was a stupid thought. She cried even harder after that.
They just sat there. For a good few minutes, they just sat there. Dennis rubbed his fist across her back (never with an open palm, she hated the feeling of outstretched fingers catching on fabric) as her tears began to peter out. Her grip, that had reached out onto his back sometime during the embrace, didn’t loosen though.
They remained hugging long after the tears dried.
Eventually: Trinity sniffled and cleared her throat. “I want to go home.”
Dennis pulled back, gaze sympathetic. He moved his fist from her back to her arm, and held on sickeningly lovingly. “I know. I’m sorry, but the hold—”
Fuckleberry. Her eyelashes were clumping together uncomfortably. She shook her head. “I mean, I want to go home with you. When this is over.”
Like a sailor in a big green boat
Like a sailor in a big green coat
Dennis swallowed harshly, rubbing his thumb on the back of Trinity’s hand. “O-Okay.”
“Don’t have to sound so happy about it…” She grumbled.
He blanched, eyes flinging open. “No— I’m sorry, I, of course I’ll go with you. I’m just surprised you want me there, since I—… definitely, I’ll be there.”
“I— Could you please, just for a little while, make sure I’m not alone?” She asked, eyes trained uncharacteristically on his own.
You can be free
Dennis nodded, slightly, and then quickly. “Of course. I’ll stay with you for as long as you want me to.”
You can be free
She took the words in at face-value, which was, in this case, an achievement. “Please, Dennis,” That was the first time she’d called him that in months. Since he found— “if you want me to stay alive, you can’t leave me alone.”
She watched him nod, and then process her words (in that order).
Just come home, please
She didn’t let him respond verbally. “When is your, uh, next shift?”
He let her change the subject. “Day after tomorrow.” He checked his watch. “Yeah, day after, it’s not midnight yet.”
She nodded. She chewed on her words for a second. “Would you— would you… stay with me? Tomorrow?”
I'm alright
“I was planning on asking that, actually. So, yes.” Dennis smiled.
It’s alright
Trinity steeled herself for the next ask, even though he would say yes. He was saying ‘yes’ a lot during this conversation. That probably meant something.
She snuck a hand into the side of the bed to let down the railings. She shuffled over on the bed, and hoped that he would take the hint. He did.
It’s fine
“Turn the other way, I don’t want your stupid mullet tickling my face.” She muttered, wrapping her arms around his chest.
He sighed as he turned his head. “It’s not a mullet.”
Trinity smirked, even though he couldn’t see. “Grow it out for a week longer and it will be.”
He scowled, but wrapped his own arms around Trinity in return.
“I love you, Trinity.”
She scoffed. “Yeah, yeah, I love you too, Dennis.”
“And next time—”
“We can talk about that in the morning.” She said, voice suddenly quieter.
He nodded.
“For now, I just want to sleep next to my idiot brother.”
“Okay. Sister.”
“Ew, don’t say that.” She said, whacking him lightly.
He pretended to groan in pain.
“Just go to sleep.” She hissed.
“Yeah, whatever.”
“Goodnight.”
“Goodnight.”
I’m alright
—
Abbot shuffled in the room, extending an arm. “She’s just in here—”
He blinked, cutting himself off as he saw Drs. Santos and Whitaker curled up fast asleep in the same bed together.
Kiara huffed, amused, at the sight. “I guess I’ll come back later.”
“Sorry for bringing you out here so late.” Abbot said, wringing his hand.
She waved him off. “It’s okay, I was getting bored on my day off anyway.”
Abbot gave a thin smile. “Yeah. Anything that moves slower than this place is boring to me. ‘S why I picked up SWAT on the side.”
“This place can really get to you. In more ways than one.” Kiara said, with an expression hardened and subsequently saddened by years of being an ED social worker.
“You’re an angel, Kiara.” Abbot clapped a hand on her shoulder. “Try not to let Santos become one too.”
“I’ll try my best.”