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Gwaine’s eyes are skimming over Merlin’s sleeping face by the fire, and his heart is plunging with longing.
Gwaine loves Merlin.
From the second his eyes darted toward Merlin in that wretched tavern, he couldn’t exactly figure out why, but he was besotted with the man.
Not because he was lacking a lover at that time.
Gwaine knew, he was handsome. He knew, he was charming, and thus he knew, he’d a way to woo most of the women and men into a quick ramble, if he wanted to.
But Merlin was different.
From the very beginning there was something special about Merlin... Something, Gwaine hasn’t quite managed to put his finger on yet. Something, that makes Gwaine's heart fluttering, his palms dampening, his stomach clenching with longing, just by looking at him.
Gwaine has never been emotionally attached to anyone... that is…. not until Merlin.
Merlin is his friend, his only, his closest, dearest friend.
But Gwaine's feelings are something more than that, something deeper and bigger to dare him to pursue it, and risk losing it.
His love for Merlin is strong and unconditional, precious and gentle, but also passionate and wild and aching from desire.
His reckless, curious, enthusiastic, silly, clumsy, cheerful, easy-going Merlin.
Merlin is funny: he makes Gwaine laugh more than anyone else did before.
Merlin is warmth. When Merlin’s sinful lips spread into a wide, unrestrained smile; it is so shining like the hottest sunlight, and Gwaine is drawn helplessly into its golden orbit.
Merlin is helpful, brave and loyal to the degree of stupidity, and he could be infuriatingly stubborn.
Merlin is the noblest, warm hearted and most unselfish person Gwaine has ever known.
Merlin is adoringly naïve, but at the same time, he's wise much beyond his age.
He makes Gwaine think more, makes him want to be more, to be better as nobody else made him before. For God's sake, he wanted to stay in Camelot with him, even considered disclosing his nobility in order to become a knight for him . (That's it before Uther banished him.)
He would climb and leap from the highest mountain for Merlin.
Because he loves Merlin fiercely.
To begin with, this is why he finds himself in this Godforsaken place to find Arthur on the perilous land.
Shaking his head slightly at himself, a small smile spreads over Gwaine's face as he remembers: how his heart was hammering against his ribcage, and how his stomach felt like it was filled with butterflies from the joy to see Merlin again.
Only Merlin would be able to pursue him to go on such a reckless, suicidal quest. But he would blindly follow his stupid, brilliant, adorable Merlin anywhere if he asked him to. Regardless of the danger, he would protect Merlin, even at the risk of his own life.
Most of the time he is trying not to think about Merlin quite so much, and by now he’s become rather successful with it. But there are times, usually during the nights, well… when he just gives in.
With unguarded fondness in his expression, eyes filled with tenderness, Gwaine lets them feast on Merlin's sleeping, lump form. Because finally, he can have his fill of him, because it is his only chance to let his eyes linger and drink Merlin in.
His eyes stray over Merlin's tall, skinny form. Over his sticking-out ears that make him the more loveable for them. Over messy, ebony dark hair. Over long, thick lashes smudged against his beautiful, delicate cheekbones. His eyes: if open, they are very clear and deep and blue, blue like the most beautiful summer sky. His Lips: Gods, he drives Gwaine crazy with those plump, luscious lips, which were made for temptation, and make you want to ravish them.
Gwaine has had imagined many times how they would taste if he’d slide his tongue along them before sucking them between his own lips, for thoroughly devour them.
His eyes follow the pale, long column of Merlin’s neck, and he wonders how the delicate skin would feel against his tongue, under his lips. His fingers prickle from how much he wants to touch, to check if it’s as smooth as he believes it would be, if he ever had the chance to trail his fingertips over it.
He closes his eyes and swallows hard against the overwhelming need to touch and taste.
He clenches his fingers against the physical pain about not being able to do so.
He can't... because Merlin is more precious to him than risk an irreversible ditch and heartache between them, caused by his reckless action.
He can't... because now... he knows, his feelings are unrequited.
*****************
Gwaine resolved to reveal, to make his feelings and hopes clear to Merlin earlier in the evening, without saying much.
He turned his head and looked deep into Merlin's eyes. With his heart in his throat, almost defiantly, '’Not Arthur,’’ he told him, hoping Merlin would understand the underlying message in his words.
And he did.
He could see the surprise mixing with disbelieve in those very wide and very dark blue eyes, when Merlin suddenly glanced up.
And then there was a soft, fond, warm look on Merlin’s face as he was watching him, and rather than questioned, he declared.
'’It’s the same for you.’’
Something flipped in Gwaine’s stomach, he swallowed nervously, took a deep, trembling breath before he locked eyes with Merlin's and answered.
"I hope so. You are the only friend I’ve got.’’
Raising his eyebrows, Merlin's gaze fell to the ground, apparently feeling awkward and at loss. After a few seconds he glanced up again to meet Gwaine’s eyes, the corner of those seductive lips curling upwards.
"I’m not surprised.’’ He said with a teasing glint in his eyes.
A chuckle left Gwaine's mouth in return to Merlin's words, but it was broken and sad .
He felt a twisting ache around his heart, his chest as tight like somebody squeezed the air out from it, as he got the message Merlin's eyes were telling him. ‘I’m sorry Gwaine, and please know I do love you. You are very dear and important to me as a friend, but I don’t share your feelings. I wish it was different. I wish I could love you the way you deserve. But I can’t help it-- My heart belongs to somebody else.'
Gwaine closed his eyes, the pain of loss hitting him once again, like a punch to his gut. With a deep, long breath he steeled himself to say goodbye to his dreams of a day when they would be together, to everything…. that could've been between them.
*************************
Resentment warred with anger inside Gwaine as he overheard Arthur shouting and scolding Merlin about their appearance-- while he was approaching them.
The arrogant, royal prat! He should be grateful, and at least thank Merlin for his effort about trying to help his noble ass, but most definitely, shouldn't try yelling Merlin's head off !
He could still hear their bickering when he reached the room they were in, and found himself faced with a wyvern, just about to attack the oblivious occupants of the room.
After killing the beast by sticking his sword through it, he stepped into the room and sighed with relief, when he saw that Merlin was safe and uninjured.
Then the relief he felt was quickly replaced by a sudden, fierce spike of irritation at Arthur's behavior.
He didn’t like it — not one bit.
Because, instead of thanking them for saving his pride, ungrateful, stubborn, royal ass, Arthur was bristling with anger, hurling sharp, insulting words at them.
‘’It's just getting better and better. Are Gwen and Morgana here too? Do you have a surprise party?’’ Arthur huffed indignantly.
Gwaine knew his outrage was evident on his face, his brows furrowed as he shared with Merlin an unbelieving look.
Merlin gave him a soft, private, exasperated smile, shattering a bit of Gwaine's righteous fury.
For Merlin’s sake he tried to keep a lid on the indignant frustration that was simmering inside him in regard to Arthur’s ridiculous behavior.
So, instead of delivering a punch to Arthur's royal face, he warned them through gritted teeth. ‘’There are more wyverns on the way. We need to get out of here.’’
Arthur stood abruptly up and stormed out of the room, huffing and puffing something about his quest.
And it made Gwaine wonder, why on Earth was Merlin so wretchedly loyal to this bullying, big-headed, arrogant, spoiled, entitled princess, who was just like every other despicable noble, he'd encountered.
Merlin put his hands on his hips, rolled his eyes and with a wry grin he shouted after Arthur. ‘’Do you want us to help you? Or you want to do it alooone?''
Seeing Merlin's face split into a blinding grin when Arthur shouted his name, understanding--about who in fact was in possession of Merlin’s precious, big heart--hit Gwaine with crystal clarity.
Merlin’s wide, bright, adoring and indulgent smile, the look of deep affection on his face for Arthur; made something twist uncomfortably in Gwaine’s chest, while a shocking bolt of jealousy hit him hard in the pit of his stomach.
Try as he might, Gwaine couldn't help the bitterness and hurt mounting inside him. And he was also not able to push it back as a climbing resentment for Arthur started to fill him. Arthur, who was bestowed something by Merlin, that could have been--should have been his--what is more- he didn’t even appreciate it.
Clearly, Arthur had no respect for Merlin, seeing how he insulted, humiliated, barked at him pretty much all time. It was obvious, he didn’t acknowledge and foolishly disregarded Merlin’s precious, unconditional, scarcely deep love and devotion for him.
And despite his own heartache, Gwaine's heart broke a little more for Merlin. Because no matter his feelings, he loved Merlin dearly and he wanted him to be happy. Even if it wasn’t him; Merlin could be happy with.
Merlin might have had a chance for that, had it been anyone else but Arthur. Arthur, who was a fucking PRINCE! To top it up, a CROWNED one! And there wasn’t a flicker of hope, that he would ever see Merlin more than a low servant, and chance zero...that he would ever feel something as messy and real as deep feelings for his foolish manservant.
And then the accident happened and with it came the shocking truth….
**************************
Of course, Merlin wouldn’t be Merlin if he didn’t get himself into some trouble.
Inevitably, it was bound that he should be the one to step on the stone and then fell into the throne room, cutting himself off from Gwaine and Arthur.
As soon as the door closed behind Merlin with an ominous, loud bang, panic flared in Gwaine’s chest. His heart was thudding unevenly and his mind felt frozen, sluggish from fear for Merlin.
"No!" He heard himself shout, his legs moving on instinct, running towards the wall where Merlin disappeared.
No. No. No. No. No. No. No. This cannot be happening. Not Merlin.
"Merlin!"
And it surprised Gwaine that the anguished cry wasn't his own.
'‘Merliiin!’' Arthur roared again, thudding his body against the door, his fists pounding on the relentless stone.
There was so much frantic fear and anguish in Arthur’s voice that Gwaine stopped short and snapped his head toward Arthur. Then he just stood there, frozen on the spot, from the shock and disbelief at the scene before him.
The certainty, cool haughtiness, and arrogance Arthur'd displayed earlier were gone as his mask broke in his despair.
He was slamming his fists desperately into the door, again and again. He kept shouting Merlin’s name with growing, frenzied misery in his voice. He was putting more and more force into the blows every time he punched, like he could tear down the unpenetrable door with the sheer force of his will and blows.
After a long time later Arthur’s body seemed to exhaust itself. His legs gave out and he fell to his knees, a hand pressed to his chest like he wanted to stanch a wound. His face was pale, white with pain and anguish. His chest heaved hard as he was gasping for breath.
His whole body quivering, he dropped his forehead against the stone. He placed his trembling palms on the stone, next to his head, like he could touch Merling through the thick wall.
When Gwaine looked down at his knuckles, they were bloody and swollen from the force of his punches.
‘’Merlin. Merlin. Damn you." Arthur whispered against the door, and the sound came out cracked, broken and raw. "Damn you, Merlin, you idiot. Why do you keep doing this to me?’’
And there was so much pain, loss, heartache, anguish, and longing in Arthur's voice and on his face, that Gwaine had to look away because he felt like an intruder. He knew, he was never supposed to see Arthur in a state like this: so raw and hurt, without his defenses. His deepest, most guarded feelings exposed over his fear... and Love... for his manservant.
While Gwaine was in no doubt about how much Merlin meant to him, he found himself beginning to realize and understand- just how much more he meant... to Arthur.
And when they finally managed to open the door and got inside, the tender look Arthur shared with Merlin-- the strange, deep love these two idiots had for each other-which seemed to be oozing out of every pore of them as they were beaming happily at the other-- made Gwaine realise: He has never had a chance.