Work Text:
I was a little stupid not to notice beforehand. I didn’t realise just how deeply affected Nick is by Charlie’s absence. Just like I was too wrapped up in my own stuff to notice what was going on with Charlie, right under my very eyes.
I apparently am not the most perceptive person. Which is weird as I notice things in films I’m sure no one else does.
But also, Nick and Charlie are both experts at masking their feelings.
I suppose that’s one way alcohol actually helped. If Nick hadn’t got as trollied as he did at last night’s Halloween party, he’d never have let his barriers down to let me in.
The sight of him, crumpled into a miserable and lonely heap in a quiet corner of the impossibly loud and chaotic house, tore something up inside of me and something down between us.
He unwittingly reminded me of myself, and the way I used to hide in the near dark of Dad’s little photo lab, after he passed. The red light a comforting glow, shielding me from the outside world and the reality that he wasn’t part of it anymore.
Lucky for all of us, Charlie is still very much part of our world, even if he’s slightly out of our grasp right now.
Maybe I need to be part of Nick’s world a little more, to fill the absence of Charlie as best I can.
Who would have thought back when I was threatening Nick with chips at the arcade, that I’d one day let him cry on my shoulder in a dusty carpeted corner.
But I like that I can be that person for him, and truth be told, I need a little comfort myself. I miss Charlie too.
Sarah lets me and my wares in, and I can see from the look in her eyes that she’s glad I came over.
“He’s upstairs in his room, just go up.”
I pad up the stairs, armed with blu-rays I can’t believe I actually loaned out of the library – I’d never buy them – and a big container full of Mum’s jackfruit bao.
When I approach his door, sad music is seeping through the crack underneath it. I think it’s Adele.
Dear lord. You’d think Charlie broke up with him or something.
But I get it. So I knock anyway.
“I’m fine Muuuum!” comes Nick’s subdued voice from inside, and the music cuts out.
“Not sure you’re that fine if you’re listening to that,” I say through the wood, a smirk pulling at the corners of my mouth.
Seconds later, there’s muffled shuffling and Nick wrenches the door open.
It looks like he hasn’t left his room, or even his bed all day long. His hair is sticking up in all directions, the Captain America uniform lying crumpled on the ground. There’s a chocolate stain on his t-shirt and the room stinks. No wonder Sarah was glad to see me.
“Tao? What are you doing here?”
I press past him into the room and open the window. “Well, I initially came to cheer you up,” I say, showing him what I brought. “But it looks like I first need to drag you into a shower?”
Nick grunts. “I’m not watching any weird arty movies with you, I’m in enough of a strange mood as it is.” He then spots the container wedged under my arm and his eyes widen. “Are those your Mum’s bao buns?”
“Yes, but those are only to be eaten when freshly showered,” I insist, holding the box out of his reach. Which isn’t easy.
“Oh for fuck’s sake,” he mutters, but pads to his wardrobe and picks out fresh clothes and walks out of his room.
I shake out his duvet and brush crumbs and wrappers into his bin. I hate that he’s so sad, but I still hope the mass of crumpled tissues already in it are from crying and not from sad wanks.
Good gracious Tao, stop thinking about Nick wanking. You had that dream one time!
When I hear the shower stopping, I close the window so he doesn’t catch his death. Most of the sad teenage boy smell has thankfully wafted away.
I lay out my choice of “films” out on his bed and wait for Nick to come back.
He looks a little less grey when he returns and smells much better.
I offer him a bun and Nick nearly manages to shove it into his mouth in its entirety. Gross.
“Fuck, these are so good, thank you,” he sighs when he’s almost swallowed it. “But we’re still not watching Donnie Darko!”
“I never said anything about it,” I insist. I point at my offering, “I thought these would work better at cheering you up?”
He eyes the blue rectangles suspiciously, but then his expression softens. It softens considerably. Oh no, it’s softened so much he’s starting to well up and before I realise what’s happening, I’m being crushed in an all encompassing Nick Nelson hug.
“You… you’d watch a Marvel movie with me?” he sobs into my shoulder.
“Yeah…” I pat him on the back awkwardly. “I thought it might cheer you up, but I was apparently wrong?”
“No, you weren’t.” He draws back and smiles at me. “These are happy tears… sort of?”
Nick clears his throat and busies himself over my selection of films. “It’s just… so bloody nice of y–”
“Hey,” I stop him because I know he’s about to get emotional again. “You do know that you’re my friend too, right?”
He takes one blu-ray and sets the others aside, then takes a seat on his bed. “Rationally yeah, I know that. But Charlie being away has made me feel so fucking lonely sometimes. So thanks for reminding me I’m not alone.”
“Well that’s exactly why I’ve come here. And also to check yesterday’s alcohol consumption hadn’t actually finished you off.”
I sit down next to him. “Okay let’s see, what have you chosen?” It’s the Black Widow film. I suppose I can live with that.
“But uhm…” he stares at the disk a little helplessly. “I don’t have a player.”
Oh. I did not consider that.
“I just always watch movies on streaming services, you know…”
I suppress the insult that hangs on my lips. I’m here to comfort, not criticise.
“Oh, okay… that’s… fine…”
It’s worth the discomfort I feel at telling this fib, as it makes Nick laugh.
“I know it’s not, you nerd. I can feel how you want to berate me about pixel density or something similar.”
“You’re right and I should withhold any further bao for such blasphemy, but I think I’m not supposed to kick someone when they’re down.”
I playfully try to shove his shoulder. He doesn’t budge an inch. Damn my twig arms.
We get comfortable on the duvet, he pulls up Disney+ while I open the containers full of steamed goodness.
Nick’s face lights up as the delicious smell surrounds us, like a dog that smelled a treat.
The film is… okay I guess. Not the worst Marvel film I’ve ever been subjected to and neither Scarlett Johansson or Florence Pugh are a hardship to look at, even if it’s far from their best performances. But they obviously did the best they could with the material they were given to work with.
Either Nick is so tired from last night, or he already knows the film so well, but at some point, his head falls down onto my shoulder and light snores break through the cacophony of the action soundtrack.
I just let him rest on me. Between Charlie being away and unwell, his mum hardly ever being home due to her workload and the school stress, he’s got so much going on.
And, if I’m honest, I miss this kind of purely platonic cuddling too. When I spend time with Elle like this, it’s always so charged of late, like we’re standing on a precipice together, each waiting for the other to put the first foot forward. And that’s very thrilling, but…
This is just… nice. Relaxed. Warm and comfortable.
It’s only when I see a filament of drool slowly dropping towards my jumper that I give Nick a little nudge and he wakes with a grunt.
“Chaaar- oh… sorry, Tao.” He scrambles away from me, visibly pinking up in the low light.
“It’s okay, silly.” I pull him back on my shoulder. “Just don’t drool on me again, you gross rugby lad.”
We settle back down, watching on in comfortable silence.
I know I can’t do much in this shit and difficult situation. But I can do that. I can be a comfort and a metaphorical and literal shoulder to lean on.
I can be Nick’s friend.