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It was cold.
That was about the extent of Cisco's thoughts at that moment. He didn't mind, though. But it was cold, cold enough for him to be shaking. He'd been shaking already, so that didn't matter. Hot, sick anger was gripping him like a vice as he looked into his own dark eyes. He hated it, hated himself, hated the pain.
Cisco hated the vibes more than anything, how they left him reeling and exhausted, how they even got to his dreams. He'd seen himself die enough at the hands of We-Eobard Thawne, he corrected. But now it was Barry, it was Caitlin, the list went on. People dying, always different, always hurting. He was drowning in them, and he decided that would be an ok way to die.
Drowning.
His past with it was less than good. Too many water metas, too much water, too much, but that was okay. It was quick. Took, say, 2 minutes for you to pass out. Then your body did the rest.
It fascinated him, terrified him. But he wondered. He couldn't remember what it felt like. Couldn't remember the choking pressure, water thick in his lungs. It was funny, how the vibes cancelled out the real memories. They weren't really gone, per say, but it was hard to tell what was real and what wasn't. So hard.
The anger was still thick in his chest and he fucking yearned for the feeling of it. He dug his fingernails into his arms until they bled, almost like cat scratches. The pain barely registered. Hard slap to the face, barely registered. Nothing seemed to register. He wasn't human anyways, was he? Not with these vibes. Not anymore.
If he kept this up, he'd be the Darth Vader to his old selfs' Anakin. That wasn't something he could handle.
Cisco was dressed and out the door within minutes. The waterfront was only, say, a 5 minute walk at the most. It felt like it took seconds, converse slapping on the rough concrete like a heartbeat. Maybe he was a speedster now. The thought made him chuckle mirthlessly as he stood on the docks. The waterfront was dark now; the sky was velvety blue-black, like a bruise but darker.
The kiss of the moonlight against the water was silvery and soft. Waves were practically nonexistent, but the sound of the soft slap of the water against the weathered wood was soothing. Cisco made his way down to the very end, the dock bobbing very slightly beneath his feet, as unsteady as he was.
What was he doing, he thought, would maybe quiet them for a while. There had to be a way to drown out the vibes, and going for the literal route couldn't be a bad idea. If the freezing water flooded his ears and lungs and throat, it would stop, for a while. Everything would stop, and the thought made him laugh a little.
He slipped into the water with a quiet splash, paddling out deeper with ease. Cisco had always been a good swimmer, even when he was a little kid. Memories of summer flitted by, and he pushed them away. No dwelling on the past.
Going under was easy, he thought, shivering as the icy water slipped over his head. It was quiet, and very dark, quenching every drop of anger he had left in him. He breathed in.
The water rushing into his nose and mouth was like an on switch, a conduit. Vibes flashed through his head, a horrible cacophony of noise and light and color.
Himself, dead, spread-eagled on the sand, half in the water, soaked and blue and unbreathing, Barry's hands against his chest as anger and terror and fucking heartbreak pooled in his eyes, Caitlin crying nearby.
Caitlin, hands smoking like she was made of dry ice. Jesse Wells, dead, green eyes glassed and blood trickling from the corner of her mouth, vibro-handed through the ribcage.
Last summer at the pool, cool water against heated skin. Being 8 years old, cutting his hair to his shoulders. Being 17, going off to college. Dante, dead, Dante, alive-
Cisco Ramon screamed, and then everything was lit up blue. There was an odd tugging in his chest, and it felt like his head was going to explode. His throat was stinging and burning from the saltwater painting his throat and mouth and lungs.
Then he was falling. Down and down and down, darker and darker. He knew if he hit the bottom he'd shatter, like throwing a plate at the wall. It was endlessly freezing, wherever he was, and he knew it didn't matter. There was an odd, muted noise, and his knees hit something hard, hopefully a floor of some sort. Not some metaphorical floor in some afterlife that, to be fair, probably didn't exist. Unless, of course, we were talking about the speed force. But he was no speedster.
There was an odd blur of light and noise and he realized he still couldn't breathe, water heavy in his lungs, unyielding. He felt sick and insubstantial, like he was flickering in and out, radio static. Vibes reached him, but they were faded and distant.
Someone's arms were wrapped firmly around his shoulders, and he felt a little more like he existed. He was intensely, horribly cold, so cold. So cold. Something hit him, maybe, or he thought so. Could have just been his dying brain making up bullshit.
It made him cough anyways, heavy and thick with the water he'd breathed in. His throat was burning from the saltwater being forced from his lungs. The coughing came and went in spurts. He hacked forcefully, the seawater he was coughing up dripping down his chin, mingling with blood spilling from his nose. His entire body seemed to hurt.
"Ramon? Ramon!" Familiar voice, Cisco's thoughts managed, and linked to multiple people. The very thought of one of them made his stomach roll perilously. There was no telling where he had ended up, or when.. But it couldn't be him, he thought. Eobard had never called him 'Ramon'.
He opened his eyes. They refused to focus for a couple seconds, everything blurry and dull. Concerned eyes, still dark and sharp and analyzing. They lacked the terrifying edge that Eobard's had had, though, and Cisco breathed an audible sigh of relief. It made him cough, the sharp pain working through his chest like he'd been stabbed.
"Harry." His voice was barely working, rough and quiet. It hurt to speak.
"What happened?" Different voice, softer. More gentle. Jesse, he figured, was probably the only thing holding him up right now. He certainly didn't have the energy to stay up by himself right now. His vision was all blurred, and Cisco pressed the back of his hand to his nose. It came away drenched in blood. Wells handed him a tissue, which he gratefully accepted, pinching his nose and tilting his head slightly forward. The movement made him dizzier.
He was shivering hard, shaking like a leaf in Jesse's grip. Harry shone a light into his eyes and it made Cisco flinch. The taste of blood in his throat got his stomach turning, more than it had been already, anyways. He felt like he'd drunk 5 cups of coffee on an empty stomach, which, hey, he'd done before.
"Tried t-to.. Tried to get rid of the vibes." He gasped, closing his eyes. Dizziness was all he could process, and he pitched forward a little, but Jesse steadied him, arm around his shoulders.
"What the hell did you do, Ramon?" Harry exclaimed, and the loudness of it made him wince.
"I went for a swim," Cisco muttered. "Let's just go with that, shall we?"
"Cisco." Jesse gasped, voice full of horrified realization, and he laughed a little at that, tears welling in his eyes. The look on Harry's face was surprised and horrified all at once.
"Ah, so the geniuses figure it out!" He hiccuped, hot tears dripping down his cheeks. "I can't even die right." Cisco muttered darkly. His voice was thick with tears and loathing, and he felt sick when he glanced over at Harry. Remembered the sound of Eobard's vibrating hand right before it punched through his ribcage like it was nothing and shredded his heart like it had been put through a wood chipper.
"Fuck." He gasped, involuntarily reaching for his chest, rubbing the spot the hand had phased through. A soft whimpering noise escaped his lips, and his stomach heaved violently. He retched painfully, gasping for air, and fuck, he was definitely going to throw up.
Jesse had one hand tangled in his still-soaked hair, keeping it out of his face, which he mentally thanked her for as he sat there, shaking and heaving. He would've thanked her out loud, but it hurt to talk and any more pain would definitely push him over the edge.
His head was throbbing dangerously, and it certainly didn't help the nausea situation. He tried to focus on good things, not let the vibes in.
"Just try and breathe, Ramon." Harry's voice was, quite oddly, soft, not to mention surprisingly gentle. He patted Cisco's shoulder a little awkwardly, but it was a sincere gesture, and God, Cisco needed that.
He breathed in deep, closing his eyes and sighing out loud. It really was freezing in Star Labs, he thought, and shivered. The static feeling flooded his body again, in-and-out, like a tv shorting out during a thunderstorm. Harry flinched at the look in his eyes.
Jesse vanished for maybe a second and came back with a blanket, catching Cisco's shoulders before he could fall. She was getting faster, he knew. He pulled the blanket around himself, shaking, and tried for a half-smile.
"Thanks." His voice was wrecked, but it sort of worked. Another wave of static shuddered through him, and he gasped audibly, slumping a little.
"Ramon? What's wrong?" Harry looked sharply into his eyes, and Cisco let out a shaky breath.
"I'm staticky. I'm here for real, but.. I'm not really sure how I got through? Guess I'm powerful enough. Weird. But fuck, every so often I just kinda.. Fade out? Not like I get dizzy; that's only part of it. It's like radio static." His nosebleed was worsening a little bit again, and he figured it was the aftereffects of coming through.
"Your eyes were glowing blue when you got here. Burned-out, staticky blue, and I think maybe it was your powers? I've never seen them do that before." Jesse explained, and Harry nodded. Cisco laughed.
"Not gonna lie, that's pretty cool." Another jolt of static. This one was stronger, strong enough to make him groan and put his head between his knees, dizzy.
"More static?" Harry asked.
"More static." He mumbled, eyes screwed shut as a headache started forming behind his eyes. "God, maybe this is gonna kill me anyways," Cisco chuckled quietly. "That would be alright."
"Ramon, listen to me. You're not going to die. The universe needs you, your Earth needs you. Your vibes are painful, yes, but you can help so many people with them. One thing about you I've noticed? You never turn your back on people that need you."
Fuck.
Cisco wasn't going to cry at that, no, he refused.
Too late. His shoulders were shaking within a couple seconds, hot tears dripping down his face as he sobbed in a way that was really, really pathetic. A soft, heartbroken sound escaped and he went a little red. Crying publicly wasn't a bad thing, but some people thought so, and this was honestly really fucking embarrassing. And pathetic.
"That's by far the nicest thing you've ever said to me." He said quietly. Harry smiled a little.
"He's right, though," Jesse smiled softly. "I know you've probably gotten the 'you're worth it' spiel a billion times now, but you really do matter. Think about the little things you'd miss if you weren't here, too. What you'd lose."
Cisco took a second and thought.
Snatches of memories flooded through his head. Waking up to powder-fine snow covering the grass and trees, sun blinding against the white. Sunlight filtering through leaves losing their summer green, turning red and orange and gold. Hot, smooth coffee, strong and sweet, warming his insides. The dusty, familiar smell of old books.
More specific ones. Caitlin, laughing, Barry running backwards on the speedster treadmill and smacking into the wall. The excited light in Jesse's eyes while she trained. Banter over the comms, his heart fluttering ridiculously because since when has Barry been a showoff? God that's cute. The way his stomach filled with butterflies at the way he looked at him.
Ok, ok, that was enough of the Barry thoughts for now, Cisco thought, cheeks coloring. That could go in a few directions.
The static jolted through him again, and he shivered, swaying forward enough that Harry had to catch him. His head was throbbing now, a pulsing, drifting pain. Harry frowned at the state of Cisco's arms. His fingernails could do more damage than he'd originally thought.
"Jesse, can you get a-" She sped off before he could finish in a blur of amber lightning, reappearing a second later with a large, frighteningly organized first aid kit. It took her even less time to disinfect and bandage the cuts on his arms, though she was undoubtedly being very careful.
"Thanks." Cisco coughed, and she shot him a grin and a thumbs-up. He shot one back, although his grin was a little more of a grimace.
"You look exhausted. I'd suggest you get some sleep; I doubt you could handle a portal trip right now. Jesse, would you be willing to go and inform Barry before he thinks Ramon got kidnapped again?" Harry inquired. The last part made Cisco snort. Again. We should have a counter, Cisco thought.
"Of course!" Jesse exclaimed.
Cisco stood very, very carefully, keeping the blanket wrapped around him to help ward off the intense chills that he couldn't figure out whether they were due to the cold, or the static that would occasionally scramble his thoughts. His vision blanked and Harry caught his arm, keeping his knees from buckling and keeping him from falling to the floor.
"Alright, it's alright, come on." He carefully led him to the hospital bed they had in their improvised medbay, (which was certainly more organized, he thought) and Cisco sat down heavily on the edge of the bed. Exhaustion was starting to blur his vision, and a stronger, dangerous second of static shuddered through him. His nosebleed had stopped, though, so he figured it was safe to sleep.
Harry walked out and was gone for a minute or so, then returned with a glass of water and 2 capsules. "This should help with your headache." He explained. Cisco took the pills, (Earth 2 Advil? Most likely.) able to get them down with only a little water. He took a few more sips of water, drinking about half of it and setting it down on the cabinet by the bed.
He laid back, haphazardly adjusting the blanket so it covered him a little better, and dropped into a dark, heavy sleep almost instantly, everything fading into pulsing black.