Work Text:
r/CanadaPublicServants
u/JustARedShirt What's the strangest experience you've ever had in the office with a member of the public?
Context: I’ve been an immigration officer for about seven years, and yesterday I had a permanent residency interview that really stuck with me. I’ve seen some weird stuff, but yesterday’s interview was…intense. I apologise for how cryptic I'll have to be, but I’m pretty sure the couple in question is at least somewhat in the public eye. One of them was in a high-profile relationship for a period, at the very least. Admittedly, I’m not well-versed in their field, so that could be part of it.
It started with character references, even before the interview began. One was titled “Let Me Tell You a Story About a Man Named Jane,” and while reading, I couldn't tell what was real and what was fabrication. It was a recounting of the couple's love story from an outside party - so outlandish (spanning decades) but also bizarrely specific. After meeting with the couple, I'm fairly certain it was all accurate, but I honestly can't be sure.
One of the other letters was only two sentences long - so abrupt and confusing that the author's wife sent an apology for it along with her own reference letter. I read the entire nuanced breakdown of their relationship before realising she was explaining the complex dynamic between her husband and the applicant, not between the applicant and the spouse. (I was, admittedly, invested in their antagonistic friendship-adjacent relationship by the end of the tale.)
The emails from their coworkers were indescribable. One was just a collection of group chat screenshots. Another was primarily YouTube compilation links. A third began with a list of trigger words to avoid saying to the applicant. These letters tended to be the most enlightening, but I also struggled to understand the underlying meaning. So have any of you ever received text messages, YouTube links, trigger words, or other unconventional forms of media from key character references?
I was also repeatedly and explicitly instructed to put several things in the report as I was writing it. I never at any point felt threatened, mind you, nor was there any indication of a blackmail attempt. It was just quite important to the applicant that certain things be documented for posterity. The intimate nature of their marriage, for example, needed to be accurately and comprehensively detailed before questioning could continue. I know it sounds like insecurity or smugness, but it really wasn't. I can't explain it, though - more like a sense of pride and accomplishment, I suppose?
Because of the insistence on sexual detail and accuracy, I had to lean on a thesaurus while writing the interview summary, something I haven't had to do since university days. Finding professional substitutions for sex acts took up most of my lunch break.
Anyways - the two of them stuck with me and it made me curious: what's the weirdest moment you've ever had? We've all had bad experiences with negative people, sure, but have you ever left an interaction wondering if you accidentally ingested LSD?
Edit: wow, I wasn’t prepared for these comments. There’s only a handful of posts here everyday, and I was looking for some solidarity, not a viral response. Regardless, I appreciate the engagement.
Edit 2: I cannot disclose the identities of the couple but hypothetically, the request for residency was approved. Easily.
23.7k ⬆️ 706 💬
u/OneRinktoRuleThemAll wait bro did you interview Ilya Rozanov and Shane Hollander
⤷ u/Big-McLargeHuge jfc what i wouldnt give to be a fly on that wall
⤷ ⤷ u/AnnieImAHawk Oh my god can you imagine having to explain your marriage to the government when half your marriage is Ilya Rozanov
⤷ u/DoomsdayDJ Easy test: how many times did he say “my husband”
⤷ ⤷ u/JustARedShirt OP: Neither mentioned this phrase
⤷ ⤷ ⤷ u/DoomsdayDJ Okay then it definitely wasn’t my man Ilya “walked like a dog” Rozanov lol
⤷ ⤷ ⤷ ⤷ u/invaderzim isn't it though?? what other human would insist his sex life be “accurately and comprehensively detailed” in a government computer??
⤷ ⤷ ⤷ ⤷ ⤷ u/aperolminx a sex life humblebrag to a public servant is 100000% on brand for Ilya rozanov
⤷ ⤷ ⤷ ⤷ u/JustARedShirt OP: I just googled the “walked like a dog” phrase again and still couldn't gather context. Could someone explain?
⤷ ⤷ ⤷ ⤷ ⤷ u/NoPuckingWay I mean yes, technically someone could, but it needs to be seen to be understood
⤷ ⤷ ⤷ ⤷ ⤷ u/benmckinley you googled the phrase “again.” 💀 my brother in christ, what did ilya do to your search history today
⤷ ⤷ ⤷ ⤷ ⤷ u/LittleAlexHorne13 The Cens play at 7:05pm, OP - tune into the post game interviews and you’ll get it
⤷ ⤷ ⤷ ⤷ ⤷ ⤷ u/invaderzim the way he sometimes just grabs hold of Hollander in the middle of an interview without even missing a beat will never not crack me up
⤷ ⤷ ⤷ ⤷ ⤷ u/PuckNorris Friendly tip, OP: use safe search settings to google phrases like that when it involves these two. I've… seen things I can't unsee. Read things I can't unread.
⤷ ⤷ ⤷ ⤷ ⤷ ⤷ u/josejosejose11 Felt things I can't unfeel.
⤷ ⤷ ⤷ ⤷ ⤷ ⤷ ⤷u/PuckNorris Amen, brother. Shane Hollander is my hall pass, and my wife is cool with it.
⤷ ⤷ ⤷ ⤷ ⤷ ⤷ ⤷ ⤷ u/josejosejose11 Dude, as one bro to another, I suggest you never publicly admit that on the internet
⤷ ⤷ ⤷ ⤷ ⤷ ⤷ ⤷ ⤷ ⤷ u/PuckNorris I'm a happily married straight man who's secure in his sexuality, and Hollander is a generational talent with great cheekbones. I'm not worried about what some randos on the internet think.
⤷ ⤷ ⤷ ⤷ ⤷ ⤷ ⤷ ⤷ ⤷ ⤷ u/josejosejose11 No no I get it, I just mean what if Ilya Rozanov is somewhere reading this thread
⤷ ⤷ ⤷ ⤷ ⤷ ⤷ ⤷ ⤷ ⤷ ⤷ ⤷ u/PuckNorris Oh fuck, what was I thinking.
⤷ ⤷ ⤷ ⤷ ⤷ ⤷ ⤷ ⤷ u/Ruptured-Appendices MOD: I was fully unprepared to wake up to a viral post in this sub, but I Googled these two for context and yeah, I get it.
⤷ ⤷ ⤷ ⤷ ⤷ ⤷ u/PrincePhilip-RedemptionArc Oooh I didn't know the world of hockey was so risqué! I'm curious now. Care to elaborate on the things you’ve seen that you can't unsee?
⤷ ⤷ ⤷ ⤷ ⤷ ⤷ ⤷ u/PuckNorris I do not.
u/Attachment-Issues NAL but if this is true, one definitely should have been in the room with Rozonov
⤷ u/drill-bit-beautician Also NAL, but I'm a Drillers fan and agree that Roz 10000% should have had legal counsel
⤷ ⤷ u/ToldMyMomAboutYou I’m a lawyer AND a hockey fan, and in my professional legal opinion: RIP Rozanov’s permanent residency card
⤷ ⤷ u/ShaydenSupreme2435 tbh Shane should have had legal counsel. Or at least a wellness check. Have you seen his bruises?
⤷ ⤷ ⤷ u/BetYouOwnaBBQ Umm he's a hockey player?? Not sure what you think happens to the human body when grown men throw it against a wall or when it gets pelted by a thick disc of vulcanized rubber at 100 miles an hour??
⤷ ⤷ ⤷ ⤷ u/zap-rowsdower Right?? And those “bruises” on his neck kinda tell me that Hollander is exactly where he wants to be.
⤷ ⤷ ⤷ u/ShadowWarlock lol not a Shayden shipper infantilizing Shane again GIRL IT’S BEEN 84 YEARS
⤷ ⤷ ⤷ ⤷ u/JustARedShirt OP: What is a Shayden? I’ve typed a lot of things today and I’m a bit overwhelmed.
⤷ ⤷ ⤷ ⤷ ⤷ u/HolaMishamigos I will pay you all the money I own if you tell me some of the words you typed into Google after that interview
⤷ ⤷ ⤷ ⤷ ⤷ ⤷ u/JustARedShirt OP: Mastermind lyrics, ghosting, Tolstoy, male pregnancy, ragebaiter, competitive jealousy, to name a few.
⤷ ⤷ ⤷ ⤷ ⤷ ⤷ ⤷ u/HolaMishamigos That is the weirdest fucking wordcloud I’ve ever seen.
⤷ ⤷ ⤷ ⤷ ⤷ ⤷ ⤷ u/unholyhollonov GUYS ILYA ROZANOV INTRODUCED A GOVERNMENT OFFICIAL TO MPREG 💀 This is all I will be thinking about for the rest of the day 😂
⤷ ⤷ ⤷ ⤷ ⤷ ⤷ ⤷ ⤷ u/HolaMishamigos I can’t figure out what’s most surprising here - Taylor Swift, Tolstoy, or male pregnancy?
⤷ ⤷ ⤷ ⤷ ⤷ ⤷ ⤷ ⤷ ⤷ u/unholyhollonov idk but the “ghosting” makes me sad for some reason :(
⤷ ⤷ ⤷ ⤷ ⤷ ⤷ ⤷ ⤷ u/SmallBallTerrorists You showed your hand with “ragebaiter” and “competitive jealousy,” OP. Game over.
⤷ ⤷ ⤷ ⤷ ⤷ ⤷ ⤷ ⤷ u/Ruptured-Appendices MOD: I'm trying to figure out if this conversation goes against any sub rules or the Reddit TOS because it feels like it should but I don't think it does. You do you, folks. Welcome to the sub, I guess?
u/agathaenergy Uh who tf is Jane
⤷ u/gossipygay That letter has to be from Marlow. The Jane thing seems to be an inside joke between him and Shane on Insta
⤷ ⤷ u/gossipygay Also, why do I feel like Jackie Pike would give us that email of the nuanced Ilya/Hayden breakdown if we just…asked nicely
u/mrs_AndieWitter I don't even go here but I’m invested. Did they get approved??
⤷ u/britonpalace Babe look around, none of us go here
⤷ u/PowerOfFriendship Not OP, but from my experience, couples faking it rehearse answers. Couples fighting over dumb shit are legit. One time I had a couple argue over the definition of “decaf” for 17 minutes and I gave them the card to my divorce lawyer on their way out.
⤷ u/JustARedShirt OP: Yes, one of the easiest approvals I’ve ever seen. Also one of the weirdest.
⤷ ⤷ u/HolaMishamigos okay but how much for a hyper-specific copy of that word cloud. i promise not to share this confidential information with anyone except my close personal friend r/popculturechat
⤷ ⤷ ⤷ u/unholy hollonov We also need that list of Ilya's trigger words pronto
⤷ ⤷ ⤷ ⤷ u/HolaMishamigos fr fr, like who sent that list and why do we know it was troy barrett and how many words were just hayden pike
Darren J.
★★★☆☆
Overall the experience was fine, but the building and staff weren't overly professional. First the elevator malfunctioned because it froze in between floors for four minutes, so I was almost late for my appointment. It must have been terrifying for the two men stuck inside because when it finally made it to the lobby, they stumbled out all red and basically ran to the front door.
When I got to the waiting room, it took almost two minutes for anyone to acknowledge me because the employees were talking among themselves, laughing and whispering. They were all nice, but unprofessional, especially so early in the day.
There was plenty of complimentary coffee, and they stocked the bathroom with 3-play toilet paper, which was a nice surprise.
The interviewer (Marvin or Mark, I think) was nice, but he seemed very flustered and unprepared. I don't know if it was his first week on the job, but if so, he should have had someone with him to make sure he knew how to ask questions and properly take notes.
[ircc-building-selfie.img]
glitterglamgoldie Just about to step into my residency interview, wish me luck!!
⤷ hannahfromhalifax so excited for you!! You're gonna smash it.
⤷ mooseheadshockey celebratory poutine when you officially become a canadian citizen???
⤷ yourmomgoestocollege yo nice picture but who are the two dudes in the background
⤷ glitterglamgoldie lol didn't even see them there, whoops
⤷ hollandersbiceps not to be That Person but I zoomed way the fuck in and that's definitely Shane Hollander pressed against the wall
⤷ iceicebabeeey well then I sure hope that's Ilya Rozanov glued to his face because if not, my unhinged Cens captain is somewhere having an emotional breakdown
⤷ styleboyz4lyfe I feel like someone says this once a day here but RELAX, BRO no one is trying to take him from you
wyatthayesplays 🔷 At least twice a day if you're in the Cens locker room
boodramBBQ 🔷 Seven if we win
troybarrettofficial 🔷 Fifty if we're playing Montreal
iamevandykstra 🔷 And if your name is Hayden Pike [the-limit-does-not-exist.gif]
haydenpikethevoyageur 🔷 Please leave me out of this
ilyarozanov81 🔷 I don't even know who you are
⤷ hollandersbiceps HOW DID I START AN INSTA CENS GROUP CHAT
r/popculturechat
u/Im_An_Ally-NN-CP “First Husbands of Hockey” Shane Hollander and Ilya Rozanov spotted leaving the CPC federal building in Ottawa: https://www.tmz.com/categories/nhl/shane-hollander-ilya-rozanov-cpc-building
13.1k ⬆️ 310 💬
u/buttholeunicorn ARE THEY GETTING A DIVORCE, WHAT IS THE CPC
⤷ u/TwoRacoonsAndASpoon relax butt hole unicorn, it was probably a residency interview. That's where the IRCC center is (Immigration, Refugees, and Citizenship Canada).
⤷ u/cabbage-head-chicken-lady …why would they go to an immigration office to get a divorce? Can’t that shit be done online now?
⤷ u/moreboobsplease69 This whole thing has been a stunt to bring some visibility and ~ diversity ~ to the NHL, so best of luck, Roz. Can’t wait until hockey goes back to being about a stick and a puck.
⤷ ⤷ u/babyimpala67 I don’t want even want to downvote you because you said this with such a level of self-confidence that I almost wish I had. I mean, I AM downvoting you, but just wanted to let you know I hesitated.
⤷ ⤷ u/thehornyjail Technically we're kind of talking about two sticks right now?
⤷ ⤷ ⤷ u/babyimpala67 Kind of a net, too, if you really want to lean into the analogy.
⤷ ⤷ ⤷ ⤷ u/thehornyjail Does that make the puck….
⤷ ⤷ ⤷ ⤷ u/moreboobsplease69 Why do you weirdos have to make everything sexual?
⤷ ⤷ ⤷ ⤷ ⤷ u/thehornyjail You do not have the moral high ground here u/moreboobsplease69
u/betsyblue Is this a safe space to be parasocial??
⤷ u/mickeymilko No.
⤷ u/javert24601 Depends I guess. “I'm invested in the success of their marriage” parasocial or “I send them detailed relationship advice through Instagram because we are close friends” parasocial?
⤷ ⤷ u/betsyblue OMG just the first one!! So I was at a restaurant in Montreal before they were outed sitting at a table right next to them. I was on a shitty date with my shitty boyfriend, and I couldn't believe how they were looking at each other. (In retrospect they were not being subtle at all LOL.) I tried not to listen but I could hear bits and pieces. Ilya was being such an asshole (affectionate) but also looked at Shane like he hung the moon. I really didn't know what to make of it at the time, but once they were outed, things clicked, and I broke up with my boyfriend. I never thought two random hockey players would set my standard for how partners should treat each other (hence the parasocial disclaimer!!), but here we are. They're the only celebrity couple I've ever rooted for because of what they gave me. I deserve someone who looks at me like they look at each other.
⤷ ⤷ ⤷ u/javert24601 Okay that's sweet. Hopefully you find that person.
⤷ ⤷ ⤷ ⤷ u/betsyblue I did! He's a Toronto fan, but no one's perfect :)
⤷ ⤷ ⤷ u/cakeeater96 Every time someone calls these two "a celebrity couple," I die a little inside. They're both first-year HOF inductees. They had 283 points between them last season. The fact that two historically talented players exist at the same time is crazy, and they've been reduced to "a celebrity couple."
⤷ ⤷ ⤷ ⤷ u/javert24601 would it make you feel better if people called them THE celebrity couple?
⤷ ⤷ ⤷ ⤷ ⤷ u/cakeeater96 I think you're mocking me but yes, yes it would.
⤷ ⤷ ⤷ u/hrh_potus girl no disrespect, but no one could ever look at anyone the way ilya rozanov looks at shane hollander.
⤷ ⤷ ⤷ ⤷ u/briansunshine yeah like I'm happy for them, but society would crumble if we had too many ilyas running around. dude's a lovesick chaos demon
To: [email protected]
From: [email protected]
Subject: Character Reference - Case # 39ASC13
Hello. My name is Troy Barrett and I play forward for the Ottawa Centaurs, a hockey team in the NHL. I play with Ilya Rozanov and Shane Hollander, and I am writing as a character reference for Ilya Rozanov's permanent residency card.
I hope this email reaches you in time. In addition to my testimony, I would like to give you a brief list of triggers to avoid mentioning during the interview, just so you can keep it on track: Hayden Pike, the Montreal Voyageurs, the movie Gone in 60 Seconds, Hayden Pike’s hat trick in 2016, the author who wrote a review on Hollander’s career in Sports Illustrated last summer (I think his name is Jim), the second/third/fourth winners in the 2019 “hottest NHL players” article, the name Brad, something called mpreg (but he'll probably bring it up somehow), Hayden compilation videos on YouTube (any of them), X-Force movies (any of them), loons (the bird), Hayden's Tim Hortons sponsorship, the PDA jar, and the one time I almost asked for Hollander's number.
The other thing I would like to say is that Ilya Rozanov is one of the most fearless people I've ever met. On the ice, off the ice, it doesn't matter. He seems afraid of nothing, even when it's just a front. But he's especially fearless when it comes to loving Shane Hollander. I think it sort of ate away at him when he had to keep it locked up, so now he loves like a man possessed. Roz has no filter when it comes to how openly he loves Hollander - no shame, no self-consciousness, no fear. No dignity.
He's a great friend, an even better husband, a model pet parent (please see attached photos), and he'll be a great Canadian.
Thank you,
Troy Barrett of the Ottawa Centaurs
P.S. Good luck
bella @hollonov_truther Ilya’ Rozanov’s guide to a Canadian permanent residency card:
1 Become obsessed with a famous athlete
2 Seduce him
3 Marry him
4 Terrorize the public servant assigned to you
APPROVED
🌼marie @flowrpowr1999
So wait if I'm obsessed with Shane Hollander, does that mean I just have to seduce him and I'm on my way??Ilya Rozanov ✅ @ilyarozanov81
relax marie🌼marie @flowrpowr1999
I DIDN'T EVEN TAG YOU SIR
⤷ Shilya Nation @shilya_nation
“Relax Marie” is the most polite “go fuck yourself” I've ever seen
⤷ jj @centaursgirlie
This should be a thing like “Great job on the project but now can you redo the whole thing by end of week #relaxmarie”
⤷ sammy @hollander_apologist
Had an actual literal email from the marketing manager end with ‘let's pivot and circle back to utilize our synergies’ #relaxmarie
⤷ Ollie 🍹 @overworked_olivia
My roommate told me her friend was crashing on the couch for a few days and that was nine months ago and now today she drank my margarita mix #relaxmarie
⤷ carmen @CentaursOrDie
My boss asked for a quick touchbase and then opened 39 slides in PowerPoint #relaxmarie
⤷ jordana @scotthuntervibes
the recipe said “just a pinch” of fennel pollen like I know how much that is or where the fuck to buy fennel pollen #relaxmarie #fennelpollen
⤷ Ilya Rozanov ✅ @ilyarozanov81
When you come home and see your husband’s best friend wearing his hoodie, looking way too proud for someone who had five own goals last season #relaxmarie
Hayden Pike ✅ @haydenpikethevoyageur
I had ONE and it was three years ago
⤷ Hayden Pike ✅ @haydenpikethevoyageur
When you've got four kids and a beautiful wife but your best friend's husband thinks you're trying to make a move because he's absolutely insane #relaxmarie
⤷ Natasha~ @OttawaRising
shane rn: when your husband and best friend are literal adults and professional athletes but fight over you like two tweens at a middle school dance #relaxmarie
⤷ Ilya Rozanov ✅ @ilyarozanov81
he would lose the fight⤷ Hayden Pike ✅ @haydenpikethevoyageur
Oh my god I'M NOT TRYING TO FIGHT YOU⤷ Ilya Rozanov ✅ @ilyarozanov81
yes because you would lose⤷ Natasha~ @OttawaRising
fyi jackie pike's reference letter detailing the love story of these two is my roman empire
r/hockey
u/charlieconwayforpresident My sister sent me this from a random public servant sub and there’s been a ton of speculation on Twitter about it being Hollander and Rozanov. Is Roz going for Canadian citizenship? If so, I’m counting the minutes until the next Olympics because we are absolutely annihilating the free world with Hollzy and Roz on one team.
19.9k ⬆️ 508 💬
u/onionapocalypse How do you know they’d both be on the Olympic team? Seems a bit premature.
⤷ u/By-Grabthars-Hammer Yeah hi are you new here
⤷ u/charlieconwayforpresident OP They’re two generational talents, man. I feel like it’s safe to assume.
⤷ u/ItsBeenABusyWeek Just put the fries in the bag bro
⤷ ⤷ u/charlieconwayforpresident OP Fuck do I hate this phrase but when you’re right, you’re right
u/hole-in-1-potato As an American, God save us all
⤷ u/charlieconwayforpresident OP As a Canadian, God save that Olympic Village
Comment deleted
⬇️ -179
⤷ u/forthegains Nope, not even a little. If they bring home a medal, they can have sex in the penalty box for all I care.
⤷ ⤷ u/texassized10-4 Okay but what if they don't get a medal, what then
⤷ ⤷ ⤷ u/forthegains Fair point. If they make it to the semifinals, I'll excuse heavy petting. If they don't make it past quarterfinals, they're allowed one on-ice chaste kiss and that's IT.
⤷ u/CentaurOfAttention Literally no one cares. Those two on the PP is must-watch TV. Go touch glass.
⤷ ⤷ u/gallifreygirlie13 I think the kids say “go touch grass”
⤷ ⤷ ⤷ u/CentaurOfAttention I said what I said.
u/kinneyenergy Is Trojan going to be an official sponsor??
⤷ u/bleujaquets MOD Let's keep this on topic, folks
⤷ ⤷ u/bruinsbaddy81 Okay but athletes believe that sex improves athletic performance so saying “go after it, Rozander” weirdly feels on topic.
Edit: *Hollonov, whatever. I don't know their official portmanteau, I just really want a fucking gold medal and fully support any way these two want to bring one home
⤷ ⤷ ⤷ u/zarto be gay do crime get gold
u/fifth-line-CBJ As a dude who loves love, this makes me happy. I know they weren't together back during Sochi, but it probably would have been hard if Russia hadn't imploded and they were forced to fight each other for gold.
⤷ u/eleventh_hour I try not to speculate on the love lives of celebrities, but I'm pretty sure they were together during Sochi. Rozanov hasn't really been subtle about their timeline in interviews
⤷ ⤷ u/fifth-line-CBJ Oh damn, really? Who knew Hollander had it in him to score an icon so early
⤷ ⤷ ⤷ u/eleventh_hour Rozanov AND Rose Landry. I don't know what Hollander's doing but it's working for him.
⤷ ⤷ u/gossipygay I, on the other hand, have absolutely no problem speculating on their love lives, and I think competition is like foreplay to those two. Being on the same team is probably fun, but being on opposing teams was fuuunn
⤷ ⤷ ⤷ u/bazblueline I don't think it counts as ‘speculation’ if Ilya has explicitly stated it in like five separate interviews. Every time he does, Shane looks like he wants to melt through the floor lol
⤷ ⤷ ⤷ ⤷ u/gossipygay I vaguely remember a buzzfeed video where Ilya hit on Shane so hard for so long that Shane was basically paralyzed into silence. It sure was something.
⤷ ⤷ ⤷ ⤷ ⤷ u/moneyballer Yes! It was like a weird blend of rigor mortis but also enamored???
⤷ ⤷ ⤷ ⤷ ⤷ ⤷ u/gossipygay If their unauthorized biography isn’t called “enamored rigor mortis + the besotted gremlin,” I’ll burn it all to the ground
[ilya-Rozanov-team-photo-maple-leaf-fleece.img]
ottawacentaurs 🔷 The Ottawa Centaurs have claimed him as our own for years, but now Canada gets to claim him too! Congratulations to our captain Ilya Rozanov on his Canadian citizenship! 🍁
⤷ ilyarozanov81 🔷 i would like to say thank you to martin
harris_drover …and your husband
ilyarozanov81 🔷 no mostly to martin
⤷ chaoshotel oh man what I wouldn't give to read the notes from this immigration interview
ilyarozanov81 🔷 https://www.canada.ca/access-information-request.gov - case #39ASC13