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It was a quiet autumn evening, one where the leaves were crisp and gave that perfect crunch when you stepped on them. One where the cool wind made you reminisce of your past, and the setting sun reminded you to look forward to your future.
It was on an evening like this that Pure Vanilla and Shadow Milk had decided to have a picnic. Packing a couple of simple snacks and drinks, grabbing a large blanket with a crème sheep and cakehound print, and heading out for the meadows behind the castle.
They chatted about everything and nothing, sometimes keeping up a constant flow of words, other times sharing none for minutes at a time. They playfully argued, debated, and speculated on the meaning of everything. Life, purpose, destiny, and obligation. It was nice to be able to talk about these things, Shadow Milk thought as the ancient tried to convey his love for the mortal cookies. Then frowned at the topic Pure Vanilla had settled on.
“I really don’t get how you can have compassion for those things. Their greedy, hedonistic, stubborn, weak-minded, and–” and liars, is what he didn’t say.
“Isn't that the beauty of them?” Pure Vanilla turns his head to the setting sun, a smile creasing his lips. “Don’t we all want? Don’t we all wish for a life carefree and pleasant, to have the strength to fight for what we believe in? Can’t we all sometimes be vulnerable?” He pauses, turning back to Shadow Milk with an uncomfortable amount of understanding in his eyes, “And aren't we all sometimes afraid of that? Of what we are?” He reaches a hand out, brushing a thumb against Shadow Milk's cheek.
Shadow Milk blinks, before looking away with a huff, the tips of his ears flushed as he pouted.
They fell back into a comfortable silence, Pure Vanilla staring out into the horizon with a complicated look while Shadow Milk snacked on what they packed. He would wait for the ancient to talk again; he knew how difficult it could be to put the knowledge of existence into something so trivial as words.
“I like you better like this.”
“…What?” Shadow Milk frowned at him. Like what? What was the ancient talking about?
Pure Vanilla fidgeted with the hem of his sleeve, worrying at his lips with his teeth. “I– I’ve spent a probably not normal amount of time thinking about you, Shadow Milk. About who you were, who you are now, your aspirations, your dreams, your fears.” He chuckles, grinning at the sun. “I’ve stayed awake for many nights, since the first one after leaving the spire, analysing everything I could find on you.”
Shadow Milk lowers the half-eaten macaroon from his lips, feeling strangely exposed. “That sounds quite obsessive, Nilly. You got a crush on me or something?” He tries to sound teasing, he thinks he does a pretty good job, in fact. But the way Pure Vanilla doesn’t even twitch leads him to believe it wasn’t good enough.
“I think we’re past ‘crush’, wouldn’t you agree?”
Shadow Milk splutters, going to sit up, lean on his forearms, and give Pure Vanilla an incredulous look. He’s instead met with a firm hand on his chest, pushing him back to rest his head against the blanket. Pure Vanilla smiles down at him from where he’s sitting next to the beast, trailing that hand up to pet Shadow Milk's hair when Shadow Milk collapses back down without a fuss.
“Anyway, I’ve spent a lot of time trying to figure you out, my dear, and I think I’ve noticed two things.” Pure Vanilla leans closer to the beast, his long hair cascading down like a veil for the both of them. “One, you view your past self as weak-minded and soft, a creature that was so dependent on others’ approval he allowed himself both to be hurt by cookies and hurt them in turn.” He tilts his head a little, as if looking for confirmation.
“Well, of course he was! He was nothing but a hypocritical goodie two-shoes with a weak spine and an even weaker-“
“-And yet,” Pure Vanilla cut him off, fingers curling in the beast's hair just slightly, tilting his head back and exposing his neck. “Somewhere in that beautiful head of yours, you think he’s better than you.”
Shadow Milk's hands twitched at his sides; he itched to bring them up, to slap away the ancient’s own hand and flee back to the castle. The way Pure Vanilla's fingers were threaded through his hair, though, the barely there pressure that coaxed him into tilting his head back to meet his gaze, stunned him. eyes wide with shock and vulnerability.
“I don’t…” his voice was hazy, unusually quiet, “I don’t think he’s better than me.”
“But part of you does.” The hand in his hair tightened ever so slightly. “I hadn’t ever found a lot of information about the fount, but from what I could pick up, he hardly seemed like a cookie. Really, he was hardly anything at all. They treated him like a god, and as a consequence, he never got to be a person. You, on the other hand, my gorgeous jester, are so filled with emotion. You just have this spark to you, this life in your soul.” Pure Vanilla's hand trails down, thumb coming to rest against Shadow Milk's pulse. “You're so undeniably mortal at heart, in a way I know you'll deny, but goodness my darling, it's what makes you you.”
Shadow Milk was frozen, left completely immobilised by the weight of that confession. He doesn’t think the fount was better than him, but he knew that his past self was good and his current self was evil; it was just the way it was. To be told he was beautiful, that Pure Vanilla thought he had more of a soul now than before…
“If I were to meet the fount now, I would not love him as I love you. No doubt we would get along, we might even be friends, but I would not love him like I love you. You are far better than what you thought you had to be, than what they tried to make you.”
Shadow Milk felt that thumb press further into his pulse, eyes lidding as his heartbeat gradually slowed. Everything felt coated in a syrupy haze, as if his vision was tinted in warmth. He sighed, body going pliant as Pure Vanilla fussed with him.
The ancient traces his hands and claws, pressing kisses to each knuckle and giggling when Shadow Milk stares up at him, face warm but too out of it to be embarrassed.
“Don’t laugh at me.” Shadow Milk sulked, voice too soft to actually be commanding.
“You know it's never with malicious intent.”
Shadow Milk watches as Pure Vanilla picks up the half-eaten macaroon he had forgotten about. He was certain the ancient would give it back to him, but to his surprise, Pure Vanilla instead popped it into his own mouth, avoiding the beast's gaze as he chewed but swallowing it down anyway. A grin spread across Shadow Milk's face, reaching his hands up to grab onto the collar of Pure Vanilla's robes, dragging him down with him.
“Nilly!” he cooed, wrapping his arms around the ancient as he laughed. “You know that probably had my saliva on it.”
“That would be the least of my apprehensions, bluebird” Pure Vanilla's hands cradled Shadow Milk's face, placing a gentle kiss on the beast's nose that Shadow Milk huffed at.
“Such a freak you are, Nilly.”
“Only for you, my jester.”
Pure Vanilla rolls to the side, lacing their fingers together as they both stare at the dimming sky. They lay there for maybe an hour, basking in the presence of each other and the gentle rock on the wind before the ancient speaks up.
“I love you, Shadow Milk. I really love you.” his hold on the beast's hand tightened, “I've never directly told you because I was afraid of your response. That if I said it to you, you'd push me away, or tell me I'm an idiot. Maybe I am, but I'm also okay with that, with you not loving me the way I love you. I'm okay with being a fool for you.”
Shadow Milk feels the way Pure Vanilla loosens his grip, as if he expects Shadow Milk to get up and run into the forest. The beast scowls instead.
“That's stupid,” because it is a stupid way of thinking, and a flawed one. “No one is going to love you the way you love. You're attentive to the point of obsession, overly kind to the point it feels like smothering—
—However…”
Shadow Milk paused, the blush on his face spreading as he tugged on his hair with his free hand.
“I… suppose I love you too, in my own way.”
He felt the others grin more than saw it, the faint buzz of happiness radiating from the ancient. He deliberately averted his gaze at even the thought of Pure Vanilla's bright smile. The hand that tilted his chin back seemed to have other ideas, however.
“So handsy you are. Do the other ancients have to put up with this?” He frowned when he was pulled closer, fingers petting at his jaw.
“Of course, they don’t have to, but they are my friends, and they accept me as I am.”
Ugh… the ancient and his reasonability.
Shadow Milk shrugged, standing up as he brushed off his knees. He wiped his face against his sleeve, rubbing away the buzzing he felt at the contact, crossing his arms when the ancient pouted in response.
“I have one last thing to show you, if you would oblige?”
“Whatever… go on.”
◦◦◦
The stars hung overhead by the time they came to the edge of the island. Ground dropping off into the sea of clouds below. Both beast and ancient stood at the edge, legs dangling off as they stared down. Pure Vanilla fidgeted, picking at his cuticles as drops of water clung to the bottom hem of his robes. Eventually, he sighed, pulling out a small, old tomb with the sigil of a closed eye inscribed into its spine.
“I haven’t done more than skim through it, couldn’t honestly, after your reaction to me finding it.” He set the book down between them, sliding it to the beast. “This ledge drops off into a river connecting the dark ocean and the sweet tear sea. If it were to fall, no one would see it again.”
“What are you—“
“You can throw it off, be rid of the fount if you so choose.”
Shadow Milk's claws pierced the leather binding, staring down at the inscribed emblems with an unusual detachment.
“Why? Why let me ruin one of your only leads on me?”
“Because it doesn’t feel right anymore, and I’m hoping I’ll get to hear it from you someday, not a book.”
Shadow Milk felt his shoulders shake, his hands trembling from how hard he was holding the book. Before, with a shout, he threw it off the ledge.
They both watched as the book faded into the distance, being swallowed up by the clouds.
New beginnings, huh?