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- YOUR INANE IDEA -
Kinger was especially tempted to turn the lights of The Circus back on.
He was absolutely exhausted, to say the least. He knew there would be conflict about bringing Caine back, but he didn't imagine it would go to this extent. They refused to hear a word about Caine's grievances, which was understandable. He had frightened them, tormented them, yes, he understood. But after his long talk with Caine, Kinger finally figured it out. He just needed them to see it too.
He was open to their suggestions, yes. But the things they suggested— Did they hear themselves?
"Why not just take away all his emotions all together?"
Strip away his personality? He denied that.
"You can just start from the beginning. Fix what you left out before without…all the complications in the way."
Erase his memories? He denied that too.
"He won't have his other powers, so he can't really do anything to us. Then he can stay here and can't force us to go on anymore adventures."
Take away his powers entirely so he couldn't do the very thing he was created to do? He denied that too. They didn't see a problem with it because he wasn't human. Understandable, but he was sentient. He raged out of control because what emotions were supposed to be a simulation for authenticity became real.
And they were afraid. So afraid.
But everything they've suggested was the equivalent of…
"What all of you are suggesting is like…giving someone a lobotomy. Do you hear yourselves…?"
"You're not seriously choosing an AI over us are you?"
God, he was exhausted. The desire to sleep was never this strong before. But every. Single. Suggestion almost made him want to ram his head through a wall.
But Caine was not human.
He was not human.
He was not human.
He was not human.
He was not…
… …
"KINGER!"
Kinger snapped his head up and glowered right at the voice, Ragatha, who immediately took a step back and waved her hands in such a frantic motion.
"Wait, wait, I didn't mean to shout at you!" she quickly said. Her panic only grew as Kinger remained silent. "I-I-I was just getting worried because you suddenly stopped talking and you weren't really responding and… I'm just going to…stop talking now."
Even Jax's pupils had shrunken into dots.
"Whoa uh…" Zooble raised a claw, but they dropped it. "Are you…feeling OK, Kinger…?"
"I'm fine." The bite Kinger heard in his own voice took him by surprise.
Everyone went stiff.
Kinger settled a hand atop his head. He closed his eyes and inhaled deeply, trying to cool the burning in his throat. A quick shake of his head did not expel the fog in his head. All it did was agitate a headache he did not recall having.
The guilt settled in, and Kinger glanced at the frozen group again. "I'm… I'm sorry." He felt awful, so awful. That was not supposed to happen. "I don't exactly feel all the way myself right now."
He just wanted to sleep.
But that was selfish. There was so much to do.
Kinger tossed the notepad between his hands as he started to move again. "Let's retract a few steps, shall we? How about you talk to me one-on-one about your personal feelings and fears about Caine. Tell me everything. I will listen, I promise."
No one said a word. They just continued to stare at him.
"In return…I will tell you what Caine has talked about!" Kinger put a smile on his face. He had to make them feel comfortable. "We should be able to make some form of progress. If…it grants you any relief, Caine doesn't have to wake up tomorrow or anytime this week. We can go at least a month's time before the circus begins to have some possible bugs I won't be able to fix myself."
"Okay…" Pomni slowly nodded. She tried to bring back some normalcy. "Okay. So he won't wake up anytime soon. Got it."
It seemed to give them a bit of relief. Not a lot, but it was better than nothing.
Gangle rolled her lips. "And then you'll…decide what to do with Caine?"
Oh, for f$#ck's sake.
The room had gone quiet.
Kinger lowered his hand, and he took notice of everyone's bewildered stares.
Oh.
Did he say that aloud?
"Uh…" Ragatha clapped her hands. "Oooookay! How about we…resume this conversation tomorrow?" she suggested with a nervous laugh. "We are all tired and…a lot has happened today. I think what we need is a good rest. Caine isn't returning anytime soon, so we have plenty of time to discuss this!"
Before Zooble could get a word in, Jax interjected.
"We have plenty of time to discuss this, sure, but it's obvious we aren't ever going to go anywhere." Jax kept a wary eye on Kinger, but whatever he wanted to say, couldn't it just wait? "Sure, we can take a break, but we'll be right back where we started. What's the point?"
"The point is…everyone is not feeling their best and we should all take a step back," Ragatha tensely told him. She casted Kinger a quick look.
"I think you're missing my point here. It doesn't matter how many bells and whistles we add to Caine. He's never going to be trusted. And since every other idea obviously isn't going to work, what are we running in circles for? I mean look at us! We aren't going anywhere like this! You know we aren't!" He looked right at Kinger, who hasn't said a single word in a while. "Look, Kinger, I know Caine probably means a lot to you, but this is pointless. None of us are ever going to feel safe around him no matter what you do. So why not just make it easier for everyone and make some other AI to take his place?"
Silence.
For a split second, Jax seemed to weigh over what he just said, but he blinked and met Kinger's tired eyes again.
"I'm…" Kinger at first, didn't even know how to feel. His drowsy mind was still trying to process what he just heard— Surely he misheard. "I'm sorry. I don't…believe I've caught that. What…did you say?"
The others tensed. Jax hesitated. There was a hint of wisdom when he did, but he repeated himself anyway. "You did say Caine can't be deleted because he's connected to The Circus." He nonchalantly waved a hand. "You could just…make a new Caine with all the fancy regulators or whatever it is. The Circus has a new ringmaster. Problem solved. We don't have to worry anymore."
"What." Kinger said the word so softly, it was almost a whisper.
Don't have to worry…?
Images. Kinger could see them so vividly before his eyes.
Caine. His poor Caine.
Is this why you replaced me?
"You want to have Caine deleted…?" Zooble asked, almost stunned. "What the h3#l, Jax. Isn't he technically alive?"
"I see it as mercy," Jax pointed out. "He's suffering anyway. He's never going to feel better knowing none of us will ever like him. So why bother keeping him around at this point?"
The weight in Kinger's head doubled. He had to use every ounce of willpower to keep himself upright. The words were like daggers stabbing him deep in his skull. He heard those words before. He heard them. He heard them. He heard them. He…
Scratch. He crept up to Kinger's desk, having not slept in days. The dark circles in his eyes made his glare all the more intimidating. He jabbed an angry finger at the computer, his words low and demands carrying so much weight. Kinger refused to close the program. He stood up too, and Scratch didn't like that.
"And if the new AI decides to go rogue, all we have to do is shut that one down and get a new one." Jax's voice was so distant, but the words were sharp. "Nobody has to suffer or play pretend! Am I making any sense here?"
"Am I making any sense here?!" Scratch had screamed at him. "It's just an AI! What are you being so sentimental for?!"
I was 'just an AI!' A tool created to Be THROWN AWAY!
Kinger barely registered his ragged breathing. Why was it so hard to breathe? His throat was burning. His heart was hammering. He had to calm down. Calm down. Calm down. Calm. Down.
No. Scratch never understood. He refused to understand. It was happening again. It followed him here. Scratch was seething, belittling, looming.
Kinger never…wanted to lock Caine away—oh he traumatized him, his poor boy.
He never wanted to replace him— Oh Caine felt so insignificant. The raw hatred he felt towards the other AI…that was his fault. That was never…
None of this was…supposed to happen.
None of this was…
Was…
Was…!
Scratch had to be restrained by two other employees. Queenie pushed Kinger back, step by careful step. Scratch's words were low and dangerous that day; Kinger could hear them vividly.
"If you don't shut this down, I will pull the plug myself!"
Digging. Digging. Digging. Fingers digging into his buzzing skull.
He could hear Scratch's angry words seeping through him.
"Move aside."
No. He won't allow that to happen.
"Move. Aside."
He won't allow that to happen.
"MOVE. ASIDE!"
He won't allow that to happen…!
"I SAID MOVE—"
"I WILL NOT!"
It had gone dead silent. Kinger hadn't realized he had shut his eyes. When, it didn't matter. His entire body was blistering, and his buzzing skull felt like it was going to splinter. It was so hard to breathe. No matter how much he tried to hold it together, it wouldn't go away, it wouldn't go away. It wouldn't it wouldn't it wouldn't it wouldn't it wouldn't it—
"Geez, alright. You didn't have to scream," Jax's voice was grating to the ears, poking and stabbing and poking. "I was only making a suggEST—!"
Kinger didn't know when it happened. Jax was right in front of his face, and Kinger held him by the straps of his overalls, looking him right in the eyes. There was a shout, maybe two, but they were ignored.
"What on God's green Earth is wrong with you?" Kinger's voice trembled with a restrained fury he had not felt since that day. "What you are suggesting is MURDER of my SON!"
Somebody was calling his name. Jax remained stiff where he was, his pupils reduced to tiny pinpricks.
"Oh, but you clearly don't see that because he's 'just an AI'." Kinger was shaking. He was shaking. If he has blood he would be boiling from the inside. "Let's go ahead and disregard the fact that he has thoughts and feelings! Let's go ahead and disregard the fact that he is very much ALIVE! He's not a human, so why should I care?! I get to treat him however I like, because he's just a tool, a toy! And like all tools and toys, when they don't work right you just throw them away! Tell me, that was what you were thinking, weren't you? That was exactly what you were thinking!"
Jax didn't answer.
Kinger shook him with a vigorous strength he didn't know he had. Jax's head rattled like a bobblehead. "ANSWER THE D&#N QUESTION!"
"Y…yes…!" Jax wheezed out.
"We are all just your toys, aren't we?" Kinger chuckled, but it wasn't funny. Nothing about this was funny. "I may not remember much, but there are bits and pieces now. You like to toy with people's lives because it's fun, don't you? People like you don't make it very far in the real world. People like you end up in jail. But you must think that because you are here, in this video game, you can get away with all the s#!t you've been doing. All those little pranks of yours… You never imagined it would ever catch up to you, didn't you?"
His laughter was so heated, it would seep through his teeth if he had any.
"Did you honestly think you just go off and say or do anything without impunity?! I've tried to tolerate your blatant incivility to help those who needed it, and that included you! I was only trying to HELP you, Jax! That's what all of this is! Me, trying to do SOMETHING right! To make up for my absence, to make up for trapping everyone in this damned circus to BEGIN WITH! I am Trying. To. MAKE AMENDS!"
"Kinger! Please!" The fact it was Ragatha pleaded was such an ironic twist. Why was she out of all the people pleading for Jax's sake?
"I'VE been here from the BEGINNING!" Kinger snapped, startling the others enough for them to step away. "I've watched people Abstract before my very eyes! Abstraction after Abstraction after Abstraction! Couldn't do s#!t about it, not even for my own wife! And do you know why I believe this all happened? You've been trying to crack me open, to see what's in my hollow little head. Fine. I'll entertain you: We've already tried to replace Caine!"
He allowed a moment to pass, to give everyone time to soak in the revelation. To comprehend it. The stunned silence told him their brains were putting the prices together. Good. Good. Finally! Some god&#n progress! How wonderful! How lovely! It took for this to happen for them to understand what? A fraction?!
"Oh, but it wasn't my idea. I didn't want to cut Caine off, but Scratch wasn't going to listen. No, he didn't. He got what he wanted. Caine was locked away in a little sandbox. Which, in case you didn't know, that's where programs like Caine could run without interrupting the main system! But it was there where he first started to feel, when he started to think, when he started to live. He woke up feeling confused, and frightened, and abandoned, and neglected! Unloved and hated! That is what bred the Caine you saw!"
Kinger's strident voice cracked. It started to waver, and he hated it.
"Even after he got out, even after he eliminated his replacement, he still prioritized our happiness over his own excursion, because that was what he was designed for! That is why he exists! To learn and entertain and keep us f$#cking functional! I've ignored him for nearly 20 years! We all did, all while he was crying out for us! Did you think his rampage came from nowhere?! It was years upon years upon years of abandonment that was the result of it, and it was because of me!" His words became hoarse and broken. "Me! ME! GOD and I just figured that part out TODAY! But even beforehand I knew I was responsible for this circus! It drove me mad! I know I am insane!"
And he sounded half-mad already, because he was laughing again. He wanted to claw at his skull but he couldn't. He couldn't he couldn't he couldn't he couldn't he couldn't he couldn't he couldn't he just wanted to stop thinking but he couldn't he couldn't he—
…
… …
… … …
He blinked the haze from his eyes and shook his mind back into focus. The air was charged with so much trepidation.
"But I… I…didn't let the pain of losing so many people transform me into an brazen a$$hole who torments people for fun! Admittedly, that does sound easy, doesn't it? It was easy for Caine to do, just as it has always been easy for you. But I am not like you. No, that is simply not who I am."
For a moment, only silence hung in the air. Jax was too afraid to move, and nobody said a word. There was only the tremulous sound of Kinger's breathing steadily slowing.
For a fleeting moment, Jax thought it was over, but the fingers tightening around the straps of his overalls said otherwise.
"I am only going to say this once," Kinger hissed, "and you best use those big ears to listen, boy, or I promise that you will not like what is coming for you. And...just so we are perfectly clear..."
He released one strap and snapped his fingers. A large hole opened up in the ground near them. Kinger heard Gangle whimper, and Zooble whisper a swear.
"H-hey..." Pomni's voice was so small. "K-Kinger..?!"
But he ignored her.
His next words were slow and punctuated:
"If you do as much as think about murdering my son again, I'll tie you up and throw you straight down The Cellar."
Jax's face had gone pale, because he knew the threat was not empty.
"I'll turn on the lights," Kinger lowly seethed. "You say you can't reason with a broken AI? Well how about you try to reason with them? They are still technically human, right? Every face that came before you, every face that came after you. You won't survive more than a minute there, I guarantee you. Oh, but you won't die. You can't die. None of us can. We are all trapped in this damned digital world for all of eternity for all I know, but so is Caine. But you don't see that, do you? Of course you don't, because he's so insignificant to you…just as you will be…when you are all alone in that place, hunted like the wild rabbit you are."
God his head. His head. But he didn't care.
"So what's it going to be, Jax?" Kinger pulled him closer, slowly cocking his head. Jax squeezed shut his eyes and turned away. "Make your choice now, because my patience is thin and I will happily make the decision for you."
But Jax didn't speak. He couldn't speak, and that only infuriated Kinger more. Any other time he would make a snide comment. Any other time he would say something without considering how the other person would feel. But now he wanted to stay silent? Now? Now?!
"Darling! Darling please! It's not worth it!"
…!
He knew that voice.
"Don't hurt him! Please, please don't hurt him. I know you're angry, but this isn't the way to handle it. Please…please let's just go home."
… …!
"Let's just go home, alright? Come on…I've got you. Come on…"
Wife…?
Kinger's hands were trembling, and Jax still refused to look at him.
He dropped him to the ground.
It was as if the entire room held their breath, because there were a few gasps. Jax remained cringing on his back for a second longer before he peeked through his squinted eyelids.
God. God Kinger was hearing things now. He gripped his throbbing skull. His wife…his wife…
He squeezed his eyes shut. She was there, pushing him away from Scratch while the others dragged Scratch out the office. Scratch, who kept screaming about how stupid he was, about how he was going to unplug Caine while he slept. Kinger remembered…his wife anchored him down with only her gentle hands and soft words. It was all she had to do.
Slugging Scratch wasn't worth it, she said, but he was tempted. He was very, very, very tempted that day.
Even now…
Even now…his wife wouldn't…
For a long moment, Kinger could only stare down Jax with such a contemptuous glare. It was enough to keep him pinned. He would have pressed his lips if he had any.
"Boy, you have absolutely no idea—" He took in a harsh breath. "You have no idea. NO IDEA!"
And at that moment, Kinger hated that he had no feet, because he couldn't even vent his frustration by kicking the pillow that was flopped near him.
He jabbed an angry finger to his right. "Get out of my d&#n sight."
Jax didn't have to be told twice. He scrambled to his feet and took off without as much as looking back.
His head was throbbing. He hadn't blown up like that in years. It took such a mental toll on him, because now he felt as if his exhaustion had worsened by tenfold.
He knew he was going to regret this later. But at the moment, he simply. Did not. Care. He didn't care about how frightened the others were. Their mere presence only made his head ache more.
"Kinger—" Ragatha was quickly interrupted.
"Go." Kinger simply said, glaring at her from over his shoulder. "Get!"
There was no argument. They briskly left, leaving Kinger standing alone. He listened to their fading footsteps until he could hear them no more.
Slowly, so careful, he moved towards his fortress.
Am I broken…?
Kinger lifted a trembling hand from his skull. It simply wouldn't stop trembling. His vision started to blur, and no matter how much he blinked it only grew worse. Hot tears were welling in his eyes.
Am I…faulty…?
Caine's heartbroken voice lopped in his head. It kept looping, and looping.
Is that why… Is that why you locked me away…?
God, he was an idiot. Why didn't he fight harder? Why didn't he fight harder?
Am I…unworthy to you…?
Kinger slammed both fists on the roof of his fortress. The soft impact only made him angrier as he dug his fingers deep and flung two pillows from the formation. In a flare of rage, he ripped off pillow after pillow, by twos and threes and fours, flinging them across the floor with screams and expletives that did nothing to quell the anger in his heart. His fortress collapsed within itself without its support. He collapsed to his knees and slammed his fists down on the pillow in front of him before burying his head.
He was crying.
The guilt was really starting to sink in now. He frightened them all, didn't he? They would never look at him the same way. They would probably be too afraid to approach. He was no better than anyone.
He started to laugh.
The ridiculousness of it all! Hilarious! He was no better than a child throwing a tantrum. Look at him. Look at him!
He let them all down. Pomni, Ragatha, Zooble, Gangle, and yes, even Jax. Jax wasn't even trying to be malicious. He wasn't. No, no, no, no he wasn't.
And Caine, Caine. All alone. For years he called and called but Kinger never answered. What a great fool he was!
What was he expecting? Caine returns and everyone would be cordial? What an inane idea! Idiot!
Crying and laughing. Laughing and crying. What an ugly combination. He knew what this was. This was exactly what frayed his mind after he lost his wife— His wife, who he…he couldn't remember what she looked like as a human. His wife who he…could not save…!
The buzzing in his skull was deafening now. Dark tendrils seeped and crawled from the edges of his vision. His body was on fire. He was going to splinter and shatter. He could feel it bulging underneath his skin.
It was hilarious!
It was too much.
Too much too much too much too much…!
With one hand digging into his skull, he lifted the other high above his head. He could no longer see from the left side— His left eye pulsed with swirling colors, glowing and maddening. The pupil of his right eye had been reduced to scribbles, representing his deteriorating mind.
He snapped his fingers.
The lights of the circus turned back on.
And everything burned away. The pain. The anger. The memories. Everything.
Everything, until he was floating, and consumed by the light.