Chapter Text
Shane was staring at the clock on the wall. He couldn't get that image out of his head. He couldn't get Ilya out of his head.
But Ilya wasn't gone. Ilya was in front of him, curled up in the hospital bed. He's been asleep for two hours. Shane had not left the room ever since they got here. That was four hours ago.
He keeps reliving what Ilya said to him on the phone.
"I have to go now. I love you."
"I have to go NOW."
"I have to GO."
"I HAVE to."
"I love you."
"I love you."
"I love you."
He feels so ashamed. It was so selfish. He is so selfish for leaving. How could he fucking leave?
Ilya was doing awful and he knew. He knew that he couldn't help it, it was just his brain. His fucked up brain and those fucking meds and fucking therapy and nothing fucking helped and he couldn't help Ilya and now Ilya almost died and he's not going to get better and it's all his fault and -
"Shane, I'm talking to you."
His mother's voice echoed through the room. He looked up to meet her eyes.
"What? What's going on?"
Yuna sighed. She sat down next to him, handing him a cup of coffee.
"What's your plan? I don't want to overwhelm you, but Ilya will wake up soon. Do you want to be with him, or not?"
Shane rubbed his eyes with the back of his hands, he let out a deep breath.
"Mom, I don't fucking…I don't know. I almost…I thought he was gone. And I can't live without him. But I don't know how to fix us. I just…I don't want it to be like it used to be. It was really bad, mom. Like really, really fucking bad."
He ran his fingers through his hair, he remembered what they used to be. It was passionate, lustful, loving.
The last few months have been so dull and empty. He didn't blame Ilya, but depression had started taking over. And Ilya was not Ilya anymore.
~
A particularly rough night came to his mind. He had just gotten home from practise. Ilya had insisted on not joining him, apparently he had a migraine.
Shane knew it was a bad day from the second he opened his eyes in the morning. He was getting better at identifying the signs, one of them being that Ilya was sleeping in.
He had not set up his alarm, he had not taken a shower the night before.
But Shane did not say anything. He just accepted it. He kissed him and left. When he came back home, Ilya had moved to the living room.
He was drunk. Not a good type of drunk. It was a bad day and Ilya was trying to make it better, for himself.
Shane did not like it at all.
"Hey, what's all this?"
He asked, pointing to the vodka bottle and cigarettes on the table in front of the sofa.
Ilya smiled.
"Ah you know, just something to feel better. I have been really shitty today, did not eat and did not shower. Stupid of me, so lazy…"
He mumbled. He took Shane's hand and pulled him onto the couch. Shane was not having it. He would not participate in drunk fucking.
Ilya was in a really bad place. It seemed irresponsible to him.
"Can you please let go…you're hurting me."
Shane asked, Ilya was grabbing Shane's wrist so hard that it would probably leave a bruise if he wouldn't let go now.
Ilya looked at him in surprise, then he loosened his grip.
"Tell me how practise was without me. I bet I was so missed there, everyone loves Rozanov so, so much. Too bad that it's not enough."
He was talking nonsense, but that last sentence really stuck with Shane.
"Ilya, what do you mean? I love you, is it…am I not doing it right? Is it not enough?"
Ilya looked him in the eyes.
"No. You do everything right, too much. I don't deserve all of this. I don't love you enough, Shane. I am not able to. Mommy and Daddy left and stupid Ilya never learned how to do it right…my fault."
Ilya was slurring his words, a laugh escaped his throat. It was so cold.
"What the fuck are you talking about, Rozanov? What is happening…I don't understand why you're acting this way."
He moved closer to the other side of the couch, further away from Ilya. Ilya raised his eyebrows.
"What, you want to leave me? Go on, be my guest. Not fucking good enough for you."
Ilya got up and walked towards the kitchen isle. He grabbed a glass of water.
"Ilya, please. Let me in. What is going on inside of you? Why are you so angry?"
"What if all of this is useless? I will not get better, Shane. And you will leave. Because I can't have kids with you, I can't have a family with you. I will ruin you, I will ruin our kids. I ruin everything, do you not understand?"
Ilya was pacing around the kitchen now, Shane carefully lifted himself from the couch.
"Ilya, please. We don't have to have kids. You're not ruining me. Please…it can get better. You always get out of your episodes, you know that."
He walked towards Ilya, trying to hug him. Ilya flinched. He turned his back to Shane.
"I am tired of waiting for it to pass, Shane. I'm really tired."
Ilya sank to the floor, tears started to form in his eyes. He let them roll down his cheeks. Shane sat next to him. He didn't touch him, he was just there.
"Do we need to go to the ER?"
He asked quietly. Ilya shook his head.
"See, Shane. You always try to fix it all. There is no fixing it, you can't fix me. You can't fix everything, you are not glue."
Ilya wiped away his tears, now it was Shane's turn to cry.
"Ilya, please. I can't…I love you so much. Why is that not enough for you?"
He asked, his voice was so small.
"Nothing is ever enough for me, Shane. You can't fill this black hole anymore, nothing works. It would have been better if…"
Ilya would never say the last words out loud if he had been sober.
But his drunk mind did not care.
"It would have been better if we never met, I could have killed myself already. I only live for you, Shane."
Shane swallowed hard. He laughed in shock.
"What? So this is my fault now? Go and fucking do what you need to do, Rozanov. I am not holding you back. Should I start planning your funeral now or after you've done it?"
Ilya looked at him with red eyes. He could not believe that Shane just said that. And neither could Shane.
"Fuck, no. Shit, I am sorry. Ilya, I didn't mean that. I don't…I can't loose you. Please, it was stupid…please."
But it was already too late, Ilya was walking out of the kitchen and towards their bedroom.
"Leave me alone, Shane. I am going to sleep."
He said. Shane didn't move.
He cried, he cried a lot on that kitchen floor.
Later that night, he went to their bedroom to check on Ilya.
Ilya was asleep. He saw dried tears on his cheeks, Shane cursed himself mentally.
Ilya was struggling, he wasn't capable of handling his emotions the right way.
But Shane was tired.
He was so damn tired of it all.
~
"I really just need to be there for him, mom. I can't let this happen again. He did it because of me. He told me he was only living for me, and then I fucking left. How could I be so stupid to leave?"
He buried his head in Yuna's neck, letting his tears escape.
"Shane, you're not responsible for Ilya. We all knew he was not doing well, we should have helped him more. It is not about fixing him, healing him or making him better. It's about being there, waiting for it to pass. Because you can't really do anything during those moments.”
She took a deep breath.
“When I was going through postpartum depression, your father did everything he could. He took me to therapy, picked up my medication, took care of you all the time and tried to find a solution. But it did not work, because we just needed time. We needed to wait, to be patient and careful.”
Shane looked at her in surprise. He did not know this about his mom.
“It's the same with Ilya. You can't fix him and he can't fix himself. You can't give him a new brain to cure his chemical imbalance. That's not how it works.”
She sighed. She really wished that it would be this easy, she hated seeing Ilya struggle so much.
“What you can do is figure out a better way to communicate. He needs to be able to have his own coping mechanisms, and he needs to be able to reach out to people. That's really important. He needs to have full access to his feelings and thoughts, he has to learn to recognise them, to analyse them, to feel them."
Shane nodded, listening to his mother.
"I didn't know that you struggled with that…"
Yuna gave him a faint smile.
"It was irrelevant and a long time ago. A lot of women feel that way shortly after giving birth. Sometimes it stays for years, sometimes just a few months."
She grabbed his hand, comforting him.
"I thought he was doing well in therapy. He stopped going months ago and I thought…I don't know what I thought. I thought he didn't need it anymore, that his meds were working and that he was doing fine. I guess he wasn't…"
His voice was quiet.
This was really happening, Ilya almost lost the battle against his own mind.
"Shane, it's really hard to have a partner struggling with depression. It takes a lot to go through that. No one blames you for not being able to handle it anymore. But if you love him, truly love him…you might want to give it another chance. Do couples therapy, get his ass back into therapy with Galina. Talk, a lot. It might work out."
"I do really fucking love him."
Shane whispered.
"I need to get out of here for a bit. Call me if he wakes up?"
He asked, Yuna nodded and gave him a smile.
He walked out of the room, he didn't expect that some of the people who were in Ilya's kitchen just hours before would still be in the ER, waiting for him to wake up.
Scott walked up to him and gave him a big hug.
"How are you holding up, bud?"
He asked Shane. Shane just shrugged. He was never good with his own feelings.
"I didn't know you guys were still here."
He looked behind Scott to see Kip, Troy, Ryan and Fabian.
"We wanted to be there, for you and for him. Harris left an hour ago to pick up Anya. But he will be back soon."
Shit, Shane totally forgot about Anya.
How long had Ilya been planning this?
"Oh, okay. Thanks."
He didn't know what else to say. Troy came up to him, hugging him too.
"Do you wanna go for a walk?"
Shane nodded, he needed a distraction.
He looked at the others again, then he started walking with Troy.
It was cold outside, but it kept Shane's mind steady, somehow.
"So, I guess it would be stupid to ask how you're doing. Do you want to talk about anything?"
Shane wanted to talk about so many things, ask so many things. But he didn't know where to start.
“How did you know? I mean, you were there before me and my parents…how?”
Troy sighed. He wasn’t sure how he could explain it all.
There were so many signs. Too many.
"We visited him, after you called. He seemed okay, no signs. But he was already planning. There were bags of clothes in the hallway, he said he would give them to charity. I mean, he's rich and all, but it was still weird. He was not taking his meds, said he forgot to take them. I said he could take them now, told him I could get them. He didn't want me to, said he would take them later."
Troy let out a sigh.
"It was when he asked Harris to pick up Anya from the dog hotel. It was so weird, why would he take her there and why couldn't he pick her up? When Harris told me about his mother's death anniversary…it all made sense.”
Troy was fidgeting with his hands. The guilt for not knowing sooner started to settle in his stomach.
He hated that feeling.
“I never felt so scared in my life, you know? I thought it would be too late…and when we couldn't break down the door I really almost lost it. I don't even remember much of it, not until you got there."
Shane remembered it all. He remembered the call and how fragile Ilya sounded. He remembered the way his chest hurt when he realised what day it was.
~
Ilya's call was weird, as soon as he hung up, Shane had a funny feeling in his stomach.
Ilya wouldn't just call out of the blue, it did sound like…like he was saying goodbye.
It hit him all at once. He looked at his phone, at the date.
The 15th. Ilya's mother. Her death. Fuck.
"Mom, mom…where are you?"
He ran upstairs to find his mother in her bedroom. She looked at him with surprise.
"Shane, what's wrong?"
She saw his face and the tears that were slowly running down his cheeks.
"Ilya…called me. I don't think he's okay, we need to go."
His voice was trembling, he was panicking. This could not be happening. No, no, no, no.
He heard his mother behind him call his father.
The next thing he remembers is being shoved into the backseat of the car.
After that, everything turned very blurry.
They arrived at Ilya's house and Shane couldn't even get out of the car.
But he had to.
His knees were wobbly and he felt like he would pass out at any moment, but he pushed through.
He did not realise that Troy and Harris were there, he just knew he had to get that stupid key to work and open the door, but his hands were shaking so badly that his mom had to take over.
He couldn't hear or see Ilya. He ran upstairs, opened the door to the bedroom.
And froze.
Ilya was on the bed.
Ilya had his eyes closed.
Ilya had his mother’s picture next to him.
Ilya had an empty bottle of pills right there.
Ilya overdosed.
Like Irina.
Ilya was just like his mother.
And for the first time, Shane could feel what Ilya must have felt back then.
He wished he didn't.
He saw his mother check Ilya's pulse, then David carried him to the bathroom.
At some point, Shane moved closer to Ilya. He was stroking his hair while David made him throw up.
He was hearing more clearly now, the buzzing sound in his ears started to fade. He heard people, familiar voices.
He turned around to see Galina. He would forever remember her face in that moment. There was so much despair, he had never seen her like this before.
He must have said something to Ilya, because Ilya was apologising to him.
Shane told him that everyone came, to save him. That they all cared so goddamn much.
He really wanted to scream at Ilya.
"Can you not see how many people care about you? Do you not care about them? How could you do this? How could you do this to me, to my parents, to your friends? You promised me…you did."
He didn't say that.
But it did feel like that.
He was so mad at Ilya, he couldn't help it.
He remembered how Ilya did promise him once. It was last summer, he told him that no matter what, he would not do it.
He lied.
~
"I really don't know how to do this."
Shane said as they walked back towards the hospital.
"You don't have to know. None of us do. We'll just try to be there for him. One step at a time, you know?"
Shane nodded. Troy was right, this was not a situation that you could prepare for.
They had to take it slow.
Shane's phone was ringing.
It was Yuna, Ilya was probably waking up.
"My mom is calling, I think he's waking up. I have to go."
He said and started sprinting towards the entrance.
"We're here for you if you need us."
Troy said, but Shane was already inside.
He never felt so many feelings at once.
Would Ilya be mad at him for saving him?
Hopefully not.
He opened the door to the private room, his eyes went to the hospital bed immediately.
Ilya was, in fact, awake.
His eyes had the same fear in them that Shane felt.
He walked over to the bed, not sure if he could touch Ilya or not.
Ilya reached out for his hand.
"I am sorry."
He said again. Shane shook his head.
"No, I'm sorry. I shouldn't have left."
He had tears in his eyes again. Ilya pulled him onto the bed. Shane hugged him so hard.
Yuna left the room to give them some time alone.
"Can you talk about it now?"
Shane asked. Ilya shrugged.
"I don't know. It's hard."
He sighed.
"What are we going to do about us, Shane?"
Ilya was scared to ask, he wouldn't want Shane to stay with him out of pity.
That would be unfair to both of them.
"Ilya, I was…God, I was so fucking scared when I found you on that bed. I thought you were gone."
His voice broke, quiet sobs escaped from his throat.
"I am sorry, I didn't want you to find me."
"Ilya, you called me. You called me to say goodbye. I am not stupid, I knew."
Shane wiped away his tears before looking into Ilya’s eyes again.
“I know, but I had to. I needed to hear your voice, Shane.”
Ilya’s voice broke at that.
He wished he could just take it all back.
“It’s okay, I know. Please don’t cry, it’s okay now, yeah?”
Shane asked and wiped away the tears that were running down Ilya’s cheeks.
Ilya nodded.
“I don’t know what we’ll do. But I think…I love you to much to let you go. And I think we need to try again. But with help…professional help.”
Shane explained. Ilya nodded.
“You mean like go to therapy together, yes?”
Shane nodded.
“Yeah. And you should go back to Galina as well. I think that’s the most important thing right now. I want you to get better, okay?”
Ilya looked away from Shane’s eyes.
“Okay.”
Shane stroked his hair again.
“I won’t leave again. I think…I think I realised how much this means to me, how much you mean to me. And I’m sorry that I did that, I didn’t explain myself and I did not listen to you or talk to you, like at all. And that was wrong. I know that now. I’m sorry, Ilya.”
Ilya took a deep breath.
“I know. It’s okay now. You’re here now and I am not dead yet. I think we are okay for now.”
Shane nodded and pulled Ilya closer.
“Yeah, I think we are.”