Chapter Text
DR. LISA
November 3rd 12:33 PM
ILYA: U r bisexual? Or pansexual maybe
DR. LISA: Good morning to you too, Captain Rozanov-Hollander 🤣
DR. LISA: And yeah, I’m bi. But how did you know that? Is this the infamous Rozanov gaydar at work??
ILYA: Yes, yes. A fine afternoon to you too doctor rechelman (sp?)
ILYA: I learned from a reliable source (harris) that u r scandalous woman who used to date wyatt’s sister in law before u got to our goalie 👍🌈🤯🎉
ILYA: But i already suspected that u r little bit 🌈
DR. LISA: I’m really NOT that scandalous of a bisexual. Eve and I broke up years before Wyatt landed in my ER. And she & I weren’t together that long. Just kid stuff.
DR. LISA: (It’s Rechelmann with 2 N's. 🙏)
ILYA: Serious question. Can i chirp wyatt about this? Or is it … sensitive topic?
DR. LISA: LOL. You’re sweet to ask, but he doesn’t care.
DR. LISA: I guess it IS scandalous by straight people standards, but Wyatt isn’t, like, heterosexual on purpose.
ILYA: Yes, straight people r so boringggg. Wait no. This is insult to my beautiful boring husband. I need different word 🤔
DR. LISA: You know what I mean. If he was even a little bit attracted to men, that man would have fucked a guy in solidarity, y’know?
ILYA: Yes i know. He is super-ally 🦸♂️
ILYA: Moving on! I want to add u to queer mlh wag chat
DR. LISA: . . .
DR. LISA: But I’m not in a queer relationship anymore? I don’t wanna intrude on a safe space or whatever.
ILYA: ????
ILYA: U r smartest lady i know who is not mama yuna or my friend svetlana but that is stupid fucking thing to say. U r still queer, yes? And u r in the relationship, so is queer relationship. simple
DR. LISA: As my boyfriend Spock would say, “that is logical,” but it doesn’t FEEL simple.
ILYA: U r polyamorous? We definitely need u in chat then
DR. LISA: LOL, sorry no. https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Spock
ILYA: Oooh i understand now. U r nerd-sexual. This is why u had to give up pussy for wyatt. No one else is nerd enuff for u!!
DR. LISA: 😆
DR. LISA: OK, my break’s over. I’ll... think about it, okay? The chat, I mean. TTYL
ILYA: Have fun saving lives!
DR. LISA
November 3rd 5:02 PM
ILYA: I am back with better words for straight ppl: unimaginative, wearying, monotonous, tedious, humdrum
DR. LISA: Ilya, those are all just synonyms for “boring.”
ILYA: Hmm. I also have more to say about queer wag chat
DR. LISA: OK
ILYA: For most of my life the only ppl who knew i am bisexual were men i fucked and sveta. Everyone else thinks i am straightest man alive bc they are all very UNIMAGINATIVE
ILYA: Was very lonely ((( u r my friend. U should not have to be lonely too
DR. LISA: I do have plenty of other queer friends, Ilya. Most of them are in Toronto, but...
ILYA: Yes ok. U r very popular. But do ur queer friends know about hockey? Do they know about being in relationship with professional hockey players?
DR. LISA: Uh, you & Harris & Shane do? Oh! Max Riley & Leah Campbell too.
ILYA: Yes and we. are. ALL. in the queer wag chat!!! max and leah r not even in the mlh. But my shanya says we need "“pwhl guidance”" since they have so much practice with their league full of homosexuals. And he is smartest bestest boy alive who drinks respect women juice in his smoothies every morning 😍
DR. LISA: You got “respect women juice” from my husband, right?
ILYA: Maybe
ILYA: ANYWAY. I need another bisexual in the chat. These gays, they bully me 🥲
DR. LISA: So this isn’t really about me personally, huh?
ILYA: 🙄
DR. LISA: Wait. I’m 90% sure you’re joking, but do they really bully you at all?
ILYA: Eh, i was like 88% joking. Is more like they just … forget about ppl like us sometimes?
DR. LISA: Right, yeah.
ILYA: Even harris, who i 💖 to pieces and bits
DR. LISA: Of course.
ILYA: Even harris, who is sooooooo much better at being queer than shane or troy (low bar, i know). Mr communications director. When he set up the gc he called it 'gay hockey habs'
DR. LISA: Huh. He didn’t insist on SAPS like the Centaurs chat?
ILYA: Well i had not added max and leah yet so there were only husbands and boyfriends then
DR. LISA: Right, but YOU were there and you’re not gay.
ILYA: Exactly 🩷💜💙
ILYA: Harris did change chat name right after i said something. And apologized SO MUCH. Even for a canadian it was a lot
ILYA: Anyway. Chat is fun! U r fun! Can i ask them about it?
DR. LISA: Okay, you win. But don’t say my name when you ask them? At least, not at first.
DR. LISA: It’s dumb. I KNOW it’s dumb. But I feel like an impostor in a lot of queer spaces now that I’m legally wed to a cishet man and shit.
ILYA: The best cishet man! Little bit TEDIOUS about comic books but otherwise hardly HUMDRUM at all!
LISA: All right, vocab boy.
ILYA: Ok, i will keep you anonymous when Iiask. But it will be fine. OR ELSE. 🔪
🏒🏒🏒🏳️🌈Queer Hockey WAGs🏳️🌈🏒🏒🏒
November 3rd 5:44 PM
ILYA: 📣 ATTN queers!!!! 📣
HARRIS: Here we go...
KIP: 🫡
FABIAN: what’s happening?
KYLE: Dunno, but I am sat
ILYA: I have new member for us!
KIP: 👀
JANE ❤️: You do? How come I don’t know about this?
HARRIS: Another player came out??? When? I’ve been monitoring socials and I haven’t seen anything.
KYLE: Harris is stressing, lol
KIP: Can’t have another team’s socials beat him to tweeting something rah rah supportive!
LEAH: Maybe they’re semi-out. Like out to friends and fam, but not the public
ILYA: She is out. Probably she has more experience coming out than any of us
LEAH: She? Am I not enough sapphic supervision for you guys?
MAX: yeah, i thought we were SPECIAL. you can’t possibly be thinking of adding all the pwhl wags. you guys would be outnumbered overnight
BABY HAAS’S BOY TOY: im confused
JANE ❤️: I don't know what my husband is up to, but I’m in the same room as him and the expression on his face is telling me that he’s being cryptic on purpose. Spit it out, Rozanov!
ILYA: U more than anyone know that i always swallow, моя любовь 😜
HARRIS: Sigh. You made that way too easy for him, Shane
KYLE: Sloppy work, for sure
JANE ❤️: Don’t say it, Ilya! And don’t encourage him, Kyle!
KYLE: Yeah. Stop dicking around, ILYA
JANE ❤️: 🤦🏻♂️
ILYA: Ok fine i will explain
ILYA: Person i want to add is bisexual and her hockey player is a centaur. Was my idea to add her here, not hers. But she is queer + she is wag = she is queer wag. Simple math I think. Hopefully you all agree? 🙏
HARRIS: Ohhh, I think I know who we’re talking about and she is an A++ human being! I approve.
BABY HAAS’S BOY TOY: i dont know who this is but if she is a) queer b) in a relationship with a player, and c) harris approved, then why wouldnt we want her???
ILYA: Good answer! Maybe you *are* worthy of my son
BABY HAAS’S BOY TOY: thanx? 🤨
KYLE: Aww, that's so nice. The Youth haven’t even heard of bi erasure
ILYA: U r The Youth, child bride
KYLE: 🖕
ILYA: So we all agree? Biphobia is for losers and my friends are the coolest and hottest ppl on earth?
KIP: Just add her already, Ilya
Ilya has added Dr. Lisa to the Group Chat
FABIAN: omg, hi lisa hi! shit, now i feel like an asshole for not thinking to invite you myself. in my defense, i am not that active in this chat.
DR. LISA: Uhhh, hi everyone!
DR. LISA: (ILYA! I thought you’d, like, warn me first 😳)
JANE ❤️: Welcome, Lisa!
KIP: Hi Lisa. I’m Kip, Scott Hunter’s husband. Welcome to the madness!
KYLE: 👋 I’m Kyle. Eric bennett is my guy
ILYA: Better this way @DR. LISA. No escape for u! FINALLY i get another bisexual in the chat ))) 🩷💜💙
LEAH: Huh, I think maybe I'm also bisexual? I am literally married to a man who used to be my girlfriend. Oh, and hi Lisa! Good to see you, lady friend. 💞
ILYA: I see. Leah is max-sexual. Like lisa is nerd-sexual AND bisexual
MAX: ha! i love it. j/k baby, you do not need to define yourself around a man! not even me
MAX: also, hi lisa! whoops
ILYA: I thought maybe u would not change labels just bc max changed his?
ILYA: Actually this is lie. I did not think about it at all. Sorry, leah. 😞 (I must say this now that i am official canadian 🇨🇦 )
LEAH: LOL, thanks Ilya. We're good.
LEAH: But seriously, I think I'm like a Kinsey 5ish? And also . . . Max-sexual. 😘
MAX: love you, baby! btw, i am also bi. i wasn’t into dudes until i started T but now i am. life is weird and wonderful! *jazz hands*
JANE ❤️: I hear that’s really common, actually. I read an article recently about trans men experiencing shifts in sexual orientation with HRT.
ILYA: Of course u did. мой маленький учебник 😍
ILYA: What i am hearing is more testosterone makes you gayer. So manliest thing a man can do is suck cock, no? I have known this for years already. Scientists r just catching up
DR. LISA
November 3rd 6:36 PM
ILYA: I TOLD u they would be good!
DR. LISA: You did. 🩷💜💙