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“Buck, can we talk for a moment?” Bobby calls out to Buck from across the loft. The lightness in the question tells Buck that he isn’t in trouble. Which is good, because Buck can’t recall doing anything that would earn him Bobby’s disapproval voice.
“What’s up Cap?” Buck asks, bouncing on his heels as he waits. It’s early in the shift and Buck wants to get started on his chore list before the first call. Anything to burn some of the energy buzzing under his skin. He hadn’t gone for his morning jog and he feels the loss.
“I wanted to ask you about your Shield Ceremony.” Bobby says with a proud smile.
The idea that Bobby might be proud of him does something funny to Buck’s heart, right before his heart trips in his chest and falls on its nonexistent face. “Oh.” Buck winces.
“Is there a day in the next few weeks that works best for you?” Bobby continues, unaware of Buck’s sudden turmoil. “I’m sure your family will want—”
“Actually,” Buck interrupts, maybe a little harsher than he meant to. His skin feels hot and cold as he clears his throat and steps back on his heels. “I’d rather skip it, if that’s cool.”
Bobby’s frown answers Buck before he manages to find the words under his surprise. “It’s a firehouse tradition.” Bobby explains. “It’s not a small thing, Buck. The Shield Ceremony is a celebration of your accomplishments.”
“I-I know that.” Buck feels himself waver. He is proud of himself. Proud that he made it as far as he had. That he hadn’t screwed up his second chance. That he’s chosen a life where he gets to help strangers. He loves his job. It’s everything to him.
Still, he can’t stand the idea of the Shield Ceremony. Standing in front of an empty room. Lines and rows of vacant chairs. No one would show. Because there’s no one to invite.
Connor moved out a few weeks before Buck had moved in with Abby. They had been friends, Buck thought. But Conner doesn’t text him back and the other guys he had roomed with were actual douche bags. Abby is still exploring the world and it isn’t like Maddie would answer if he tried to call her.
Everyone had more important things to do. Families. Lives outside of the firehouse. Buck didn’t want to force them to have to be there when no one outside of the firehouse would bother.
So yeah, it would be absolutely pointless to have a ceremony.
“I don’t have anyone to invite.” Buck admits. He loathes that he has to say it out loud, but he knows Bobby will try to fight him if he isn’t completely honest. “So it would be kind of a waste of time and money.” He adds when Bobby doesn’t say anything. Buck needs to sell it. “I’m sure the Chief wouldn’t mind using that money for something more important. So, yeah. Let’s skip it.”
Bobby stands dumbstruck in front of Buck who immediately takes his silence as agreement. “Yep.” Buck nods. “Sounds like a plan. Thanks for understanding, Bobby. I’m going to go, uh, clean something.” He hikes his thumb over his shoulder and then turns and makes a hasty retreat.
He half expects Bobby to call him back. But that doesn’t happen. Buck feels equal parts relieved and disappointed.
__
It sits wrongly with Bobby when he tells the Chief that Buck declined the ceremony. Chief Alonzo is kind enough to agree without question. It occurs to Bobby that Buck isn’t the first firefighter to decline such a treasured event.
The lack of fight disappoints Bobby. He wishes Chief Alonzo had given him the means to tell Buck that the ceremony is a requirement. Though that doesn’t happen, Alonzo does offer Bobby a smaller budget in case Buck were to change his mind.
Bobby orders Buck his new badge, but he still feels guilty for some reason. Like he’s willingly depriving Buck of a beautiful memory.
Maybe he’s simply is projecting. His own Shield Ceremony was such a surreal thing. His family coming together. Marcy had been so proud of him. They hadn’t been married long but their love had glowed so brightly.
It’s nice to remember a time when they were so happy together. Before he ruined everything.
Bobby wishes that he could give that kind of moment to Buck.
It’s a week later before someone brings up the possibility of a Shield Ceremony. Chimney, Hen, Bobby and Buck are all hanging around in the loft as Bobby starts settling up lunch. Their morning had been somewhat hectic. Bobby wasn’t feeling much like cooking so he was cutting up things for sandwiches.
As usual, Buck moves to help him. Washing this and that to help Bobby out.
“Hey, Buck!” Chimney calls out from the couch he and Hen are sprawled out on. “When is your ceremony? Shouldn’t it be happening soon?”
“What ceremony?” Buck frowns as he dries his hands.
“Your Shield Ceremony?” Hen gives him a concerned look. “You know, the moment you transform from being a baby probationary firefighter to a full fledged big boy firefighter.”
“So eloquently put.” Chimney claps his hands and rubs them together. “So, Bobby, when is the magic happening?”
“It’s not.” Buck answers before Bobby can think of a response. He accompanies the answer with a tight smile. “Happening, that is. I, uh, I’m skipping it. I don’t know. I’m sure Bobby will just give me the new badge when it comes in.” He shrugs and makes another hasty retreat. “I forgot I need to finish doing something, uh, somewhere else. I’ll be back later!”
“Wait, what?” Hen whips her head around to look at Bobby. “He’s really not going to have a Shield Ceremony? Why not?”
“Is it because you fired him that one time?” Chimney frowns. “Is this some kind of horrible punishment?”
“No.” Bobby turns to face them. “It’s not because of anything Buck did. He made the choice not to have the ceremony.”
“But it’s a treasured firehouse tradition!” Chimney complains, but Bobby sees his eyes narrowed in concern. “And also I want cake. Why is Buck keeping us from having cake?”
As much as Chimney gives Buck a hard time, Bobby knows how much Chimney cares. Against all odds, Buck had become the firehouses little brother. Or, maybe something else for Bobby. Something he isn’t ready to admit to.
Bobby sighs. “I can’t force him to have a ceremony.”
“Did he say why he doesn’t want a ceremony?” Hen asks.
“He knows he doesn’t have to give a speech, right?” Chimney asks.
“That never came up.” Bobby blinks. “But that didn’t seem to be his concern.”
“So what was the problem?” Hen frowns.
“He said he didn’t have anyone to invite.” Bobby admits quietly. He feels a little guilty divulging that to Chimney and Hen.
“No family?” Chimney’s humor dies. “Oh. I mean, I guess I’ve never heard him talk about his family before.”
“He had roommates before he moved into Abby’s place.” Hen says uncertainty. “He could invite them.”
“We can’t force him to have a ceremony.” Bobby repeats. “Also, I’m fairly certain that he wasn’t close with his roommates. Especially towards the end.”
The three of them fall quiet as Bobby finishes up with the sandwich fillings. He surveys the spread and it feels inadequate.
“My mom came to my Shield Ceremony.” Hen says, breaking the silence. “Maybe if he reaches out—”
“Are we sure his parents are still, you know. Alive?” Chimney points out. “He literally never talks about his family. Like ever. Unless it’s just with me? Has he mentioned either of his parents to you guys?”
“No.” Hen frowns. “He doesn’t talk about his past.”
They look towards Bobby and Bobby sighs and shakes his head. “He mentioned that his father was always disappointed in him as a child, but nothing else. He said it as a joke, but that’s the only thing I’ve ever heard.”
“That’s sad.” Hen frowns. “Poor Buck.”
“But we can’t let him not have a ceremony.” Chimney insists. “I give him a hard time, but he put in the work. He should want to celebrate. You only get one chance at a Shield Ceremony.”
“He already declined.” Bobby sighs, but hesitates, glancing over the railing. He catches sight of Buck chatting with two other firefighters by the bay doors. “But, we could do something unorthodox.”
“I’m listening.” Hen leans forward.
“What did you have in mind?” Chimney asks.
Bobby tips his head to the side in consideration. “Let me get back to you on that.”
“But we’re going to do something.” Hen pushes.
“Yeah.” Bobby nods. “We will.”
__
Buck’s badge comes in two days later. It’s shiny and silver and Bobby runs his thumb over the textured surface reverently. Buck was going to love it. He’d been asking about it every shift. Even if he turned down the Shield Ceremony, this meant the world to him.
Bobby couldn’t wait to give it to Buck.
The buzz beyond his office door alerts him to A-Shift gathering. Buck will be among them so Bobby stores the shiny new badge in his drawer and locks it up safe. He taps the top of his desk with his knuckles and moves out to the loft and scans the room. He spots Buck on one of the couches, laughing with Hen. It’s a familiar and welcomed sight.
Morning briefing goes quickly enough and it ends with the tones going off. Bobby glances at Chimney who holds up his thumb in question. Bobby smiles and nods, earning a grin in return.
The call isn’t straight forward. He has to send Buck off the side of a bridge to collect a driver who had driven through a barrier. The rescue execution is textbook. Bobby could tell that Buck is buzzing with the high of a win.
It’s too early to suggest they go out to eat to celebrate, which is a shame because the next two calls are downers. The first one is a car accident where both drivers succumbed to their injuries on scene. The next is a kitchen fire takes down an entire house far too quickly. The fight was over before it began. A little girl watches the roaring flames with her parents, hugging a soot covered teddy bear.
“Aren’t you going to stop the fire?” She asks Buck with big eyes.
“We’re going to try really hard.” Buck tells her, his words laced with apologies. “Is there anyone else in the house?” He aims the question at the parents who already realized they’ve lost everything.
“No one.” The father says, the emotion catching in his voice.
“We’re going to try and save what we can.” Bobby promises and nods to Buck to continue their attack. Buck climbs the ladder, aiming the hose down at the top of the building.
They don’t save much. In the end the house is a smoldering frame. The loss is heavy as they pack up and head back to the station.
“Cook with me?” Bobby asks Buck after they’ve both showered.
“Yeah.” Buck smiles, but it doesn’t quite reach his eyes. They settle in the kitchen. Bobby gives Buck things to cut up and they fix a vegetable soup for everyone to enjoy. And it was light enough that Bobby hoped that Buck would be hungry again by the time their shift ended.
“How are you holding up?” Bobby asks as he watches Buck skillfully chopping carrots. The kid is a natural in the kitchen. Eagerly learning anything Bobby is willing to teach him.
“We didn’t lose anyone on that last call.” Buck says carefully. “I don’t know why I feel so bad.”
“It’s hard not to feel something when you watch a family lose everything they own.” Bobby explains. “What you’re feeling is normal, kid.”
“Thanks Bobby.” Buck smiles. “I always feel a little better after talking to you.”
“I’m glad.” Bobby smiles. “I’ll always be here if you need to talk.”
__
“So what’s the plan?” Hen asks when she and Chimney corner Bobby later.
Buck is in the bunk room with most of the other members of the 118.
“We have options.” Bobby tells them. “Athena has graciously offered her backyard to us. We could do a barbecue.”
“I’m listening.” Chimney grins.
“We’d need to coordinate everything and convince Buck to go.”
“He might be hesitant.” Hen frowns slightly. “Sure he and Athena get along better now, but they had a rough start.”
“He did save her life.” Chimney shrugs. “I think that wins him points.”
“But I think it should be just the four of us.” Hen presses. “We’re like family to him. The closest thing he has, anyway. He shouldn’t feel awkward at his improvised Shield Ceremony.”
“True.” Chimney nods sagely. “So, how about a restaurant?”
“That could be too noisy.” Hen points out. “And distracting. It should be more cosy.”
“What if we do it here?” Bobby asks carefully. He sees Hen and Chimney about to protest. “Just us, I promise. After shift. We could use the roof. I could make something special.”
“We could string up some lights.” Hen nods slowly. “Get one of the folding tables and use a table cloth to make it look fancier.”
“We could get sparkling cider.” Chimney suggests. “And cake.”
“Perfect!” Hen nods. “We could do it after our shift change. Set everything up and then Bobby can call Buck back to the station for some paperwork and we’ll surprise him.”
“That’s our plan.” Bobby agrees with a grin.
“He’s going to be so surprised!” Chimney grins, then it slips off his face. “Wait. I’m not going to blow it am I? I’m the worst at keeping secrets. Especially after the brain damage thing.”
“I’ll make sure you don’t slip up.” Hen promises. “Shift is almost over, anyway. You can do this, Chim. I believe in you.”
“You shouldn’t.” Chimney pales.
“Chimney, you’re on latrine duty for the rest of the shift.” Bobby announces. “Go hide out in one of the stalls. It’ll be fine.”
“Am I man behind until we’re done?”
“Yes.” Bobby nods.
__
Buck is absolutely wiped by the time shift ends. He drives home, or, to Abby’s apartment. It feels weird living there without her. Nothing in the apartment is his. Nothing but his clothes and a small box of keepsakes he collected from his years of nomadic travel.
Sometimes he feels like she’s a ghost. Haunting him. Sometimes he feels like the ghost, clinging to her despite not being able to touch or talk to her.
Because she’s stopped responding to him. He sees her photos on social media, but she never messages him back. It’s a sign. He knows it’s probably a sign. Abby isn’t coming back. Not to him, anyway. Still he clings to the idea of her. The hope that she’ll change her mind and return to him when she’s ready.
His heart hurts.
The loneliness is harder to fight when he’s alone. He drops his duffle bag by the door and stumbles into the kitchen. There’s little in the fridge and Buck can’t bring himself to go to the grocery store.
“Take out it is.” DoorDash is his friend on nights like these. He just needs to eat something and then he’ll go to sleep.
He flops down on the couch and starts to scroll through options on his phone. He hovers over Thai when Bobby calls him. Buck’s stomach jumps and he sits up on the couch. “Bobby, hey!” He greets with maybe a bit too much enthusiasm. Maybe someone needed him to cover a shift. That would be perfect, really. “What’s up?”
“Hey Buck,” Bobby’s voice sounds apologetic. “I was hoping to catch you before you fell asleep. I have some forms I forgot I needed you to fill out. Do you mind meeting me back at the station?”
“Yeah.” Buck inwardly groans. On one hand, at least he gets to hang out with Bobby for a bit. On the other hand, Buck is starving. “Yeah, I’ll head back now. Do you want me to grab something for us to eat?”
“No.” Bobby says a bit too quickly. “I’ll fix us something, to make up for you having to come back.”
“Oh, that sounds perfect.” Buck grins at the idea. Hanging out with Bobby and getting to eat something Bobby cooked? Maybe tonight wasn’t going to suck after all. “I’ll head back now.”
“Drive safely.” Bobby says in parting.
“Will do.” Buck promises.
__
Everything is set up. Bobby surveys the roof with admiration. Hen and Chimney had done a beautiful job with the setup. Bobby places the last of the food on the table. He chose to make a few of Buck’s favorite things. His baked mac and cheese and his roasted asparagus spears. He added a salad and a side of roasted and seasoned red potatoes for good measure.
“He should be here any minute.” Bobby says. “This all looks amazing.”
“Do you have his new badge?” Hen asks. “I’m so excited.”
“It’s locked in my desk, I’ll go grab it now.” Bobby announced. “I’ll bring him up here when he arrives.”
“He’s going to be so surprised!” Chimney grins manically as he high-fives Hen.
Bobby grins himself and heads down the stairs. He reaches the loft and spots the moment when Buck enters through the bay doors. C-Shift firefighters greet Buck and Buck greets them all by name. It always amazes Bobby on how well Buck knows the other shifts. The kid is so open and friendly to everyone.
“Hey, kid.” Bobby greets Buck at the top of the stairs. “Thanks for coming. I just need to grab something from my office.”
“Okay.” Buck happily follows Bobby, breaking off into the kitchen. “Do you want me to get anything started for you?”
“No, we should tackle the paperwork and then we’ll feast, I promise.” Bobby smiles and ducks into his office. He grabs the box with the shield in it and a stack of blank documents and head back to Buck. “Come with me.” He gestures.
Buck nods and trails after Bobby. If he’s curious about why they are headed up to the roof, he doesn’t say anything. Not until they break through the doors and Buck sees the set up for the first time.
“Wait—guys? What’s going on?” Buck stumbles behind Bobby. He glances at Bobby and then over at Hen and Chimney who are grinning. “Huh?”
“It’s your Shield Ceremony.” Bobby explains proudly. “I know you didn’t want us to do anything for you, but it is a treasured firehouse tradition. We couldn’t let you miss out.”
“You-you did this for me?” Buck looks a bit shellshocked as he looks at the hanging lights and the food ladened table. “All of this? But-but I said no.”
Bobby’s heart sinks. “You said no because you didn’t have anyone to invite.” Bobby shrugs. “But we, I thought that this would be better for you. We’ve become like a family. I thought that-but if you are upset—”
“No, no!” Buck shakes his head and stares at Bobby with wide eyes. “No, this is—this is so nice. I’ve never—no one has ever done anything like this for me. Like, I don’t even know what to say right now. Thank you.”
“No problem, Buckaroo.” Hen swoops in and hugs him.
“We love you, Buck.” Chimney joins the hug and Bobby follows.
“We’re so proud of you, kid.” Bobby says before pulling back.
“Gah,” Buck swipes at his suspiciously wet eyes. “You guys are going to make me cry.” He laughs and looks at the rooftop again. “This is so amazing. Thank you.”
“Let’s eat.” Bobby suggests. “I made some of your favorite.”
“This is so nice.” Buck says, clearing his throat a little as he stares at the food. “You guys are just—this means so much.”
“Wait until we start giving speeches.” Chimney laughs.
“You don’t have to do that.” Buck protests softly.
“Oh, but we do.” Hen grins.
They steer him over to the table and sit him down in one of the chairs. Together they pass around the food that Bobby has made for them and take their fill, laughing and talking about their favorite memories of Buck’s probationary year.
“Alright, speech time.” Chimney says, scooting his chair back and standing with his champagne flute filled with sparkling apple cider. “Buck, when you first started at the 118 I was positive you were going to get someone I cared about killed.” He smiles, breaking the seriousness of his past fears. “But you’ve shown me time and time again that you have our backs. I may give you a hard time, but I can see the dedication you have for the job and I respect it. I’m excited to see whatever crazy stunt you’re going to pull next. Welcome to the family, little brother.”
“Thanks, Chim.” Buck says with a big smile and a two finger salute. “I won’t let you down.”
“I know you won’t.” Chimney nods and raises his glass to Buck before taking a sip of his cider.
Chimney sits down and Hen stands up next. “Buck, I am an only child. All of my friends growing up had siblings and I was so jealous of them. I grew up not knowing what it is like to have a little brother. Now I know exactly what it feels like. I love you and I’m so proud of you and everything you’ve accomplished so far as a firefighter. Congratulations.”
“Thank you Hen.” Buck’s smile turns watery. He thinks about Maddie and feels guilty that he’s never mentioned her to his 118 family. Hen is like his second older sister. He can’t imagine life without her in it. Hopefully he won’t lose Hen like he lost Maddie.
“Don’t cry! We still have Bobby’s speech to get through.” Hen stage whispers, pulling Buck into a side hug.
“If you cry, I’m going to start crying.” Chimney says from across the table.
“These are happy tears!” Buck waves them away, wiping at his eyes with the heel of his palm.
Slowly Bobby stands. “Are you ready? Or should I give you a minute?” Bobby asks graciously.
“I’m good, Cap.” Buck says with a watery smile.
“Buck. Your probationary year has been eventful, to say the least. Most firefighters spend their entire careers and never experience some of the things you have in such a short amount of time.” Bobby’s voice is steady and calm. He pauses, letting the weight of his words sink in.
It is true. Buck’s probationary year has been pure chaos. From getting temporarily fired to saving a police officer from getting shot. From nearly drowning in an elevator to nearly drowning in the wreckage of a plane crash. To helping his boss through a hard time to having his identity stolen by a dead guy. From witnessing one of his coworkers getting speared through the head by rebar and having to deliver several babies and a tapeworm during a full moon. To nearly choking to death on a piece of bread on valentine’s day to laughing at a guy getting caught up in the inner workings of a carwash.
Buck’s probationary year has been kind of insane.
“I’ve seen the growth in you.” Bobby continues. “And I’m proud of the firefighter you’ve become. I told you not long after you started at the 118 that we are not a family. At the time I felt like that was the truth. Since then you have done everything within your power to change my mind. You were successful. We are family, kid. And I am proud of you. This shield is a representation of all of your accomplishments this past year. Wear it proudly.” Bobby says, handing it to Buck and holding his sparkling cider up in his other hand. “Congratulations, Firefighter Buckley. I knew you could do it.”
Buck takes the new badge and feels his eyes mist again. He runs his fingers across the silver surface and stands. He hugs Bobby tightly. “Thank you.” He says, patting Bobby’s back before releasing him. He glances at Hen and Chimney and feels the emotions catch in his throat.
“Thank you all.” He sniffles. “I-I didn’t think—” He starts, but stops. Taking a breath before attempting to speak again. “I’m not close with my family. I haven’t seen or talked to any of them in five years now. I left home because I never felt like I belonged there.” Buck swallows down the hurt the truth of the statement brings. He smiles. “I’ve traveled all across the country. Done a lot of different things. I spent all that time searching for a place where I fit in. A-a family that wants me. I’m really glad that I found my way here, with you guys. Thank you for everything. You’ll never know what this means to me. I’m never going to forget this night.” He sucks in another, awed breath and looks at each of them. “Thank you.”
“You’re welcome, kid.” Bobby says, pulling him into another tight hug. The hug is quickly turned into a group activity. Hen and Chimney surrounding Buck and Bobby with their arms.
It’s ironic, Buck thinks as he relishes in the love of his friends. He had been so sure that no one really cared about his probationary year coming to an end. That a ceremony would waste their time.
Then they did this for him.
“Alright, enough hugging!” Chimney announces. “We have a cake to cut!”
Buck laughs and Hen whacks Chimney on the arm before turning to help him slice up the cake. It feels surreal. This whole night.
“I really am proud of you kid.” Bobby says quietly as they watch Hen and Chimney fight over the cake. “How are you feeling?”
“Happy.” Buck says and smiles at the older man. “I don’t know if I’ve ever felt this happy before.”
“Here’s to many more days of you being happy, then.” Bobby says and raises his glass.
“I wish that for all of us.” Buck agrees and clinks his glass together with Bobby. “Here’s to the future.”
“To the future.” Bobby echoes and they drink to seal the deal.