Chapter Text
PART 1: THE SECRET SIDE CHAT
CAP’S BIG BOSTON BIRTHDAY BASH🍾🥳🎁
Marly: sooo who’s excited😁
Hammersmith: what are we supposed to be excited for?
St. Simon: who the fuck resurrected this dead ass group chat
Carmichael: yippee. another group chat🙄
Connors: 🙋♂️can i leave
Marly: if you leave, i’ll tell cap that you keep sneaking press access passes for your random girls to get into TD garden
Connors: LIKE I’M THE ONLY ONE
Hammersmith: well you’re the only one who sucks at being subtle about it
Marly: and you’re the only one threatening to make this difficult🙃
Carmichael: if only there was some easier way to bring a girl to watch us play…
St. Simon: con if you did more than netflix and chill on your “dates”, it wouldn’t be weird to have girls just sit in your seats🤭 much less work???
Hammersmith: 👆saint makes a good point. just give them your tickets
Connors: this is why i don’t want to be here!
Marly: fine. i’ll tell cap you secretly confessed that you have goaltender aspirations instead
St. Simon: lmao coach would have him doing net drills with the goalie coach IMMEDIATELY
Connors: that’s so fucked up. you KNOW about my baby league trauma🙁
Carmichael: who DOESN’T have baby league trauma😒
St. Simon: wonderful. this chat is already spiraling into a raging dumpster fire
Marly: i didn’t think it would get this bad so quickly😬
Connors: excuse me. i thought that this was a safe space
Hammersmith: we don’t even know why we’re here. why would you assume it was a safe space?
Connors: ALL TEAM SPACES ARE SUPPOSED TO BE SAFE
St. Simon: are you dabbling in PR for the MLH now🤡
Carmichael: bro do you need ice for all of these burns???
Marly: carmie that was cringe AF😂
Hammersmith: connors how do you fall for the rage bait every single time? it’s the easiest trap
Connors: why is it always ME who gets bullied in the chat😑
St. Simon: because you’re a hot ass mess, man
Marly: before this becomes more of a toxic cesspool, welcome cool kids of the team to our alternate group chat!
Connors: I’M A COOL KID😎
Carmichael: highly debatable at this point
Hammersmith: AGREED
Connors: oh my god. has anyone ever suffered as much as i do😫
Marly: yes. but i’m about to make your suffering worse if you don’t shut the fuck up
Hammersmith: so why did you need to resurrect a group chat that we haven’t used for months?
Marly: because i’m lazy and everyone i needed to be in here was already here
St. Simon: oh so we’re recycling chat groups because making new ones is too hard
Carmichael: i’m confused. what’s wrong with our regular chat?
Hammersmith: 👆👆👆👆👆
Marly: cap is in the main chat…
Hammersmith: oh shit. it feels weird in here without cap
St. Simon: honestly i didn’t notice he was missing because the chat went to max chaos almost immediately
Carmichael: he’s usually the one starts it. good to know that we can do it just fine without him😂
Connors: isn’t cap’s birthday in june?
Marly: yes???
Connors: so what kind of elaborate surprise are we trying to do for him that takes almost an entire year to plan?
Marly: oh my god. WE ARE NOT DOING BIRTHDAY SHIT IN HERE
Marly: I WILL RENAME THE CHAT FOR YOU WHINY ASSHOLES. JESUS CHRIST
Connors: okay okay sorry marly🥺thank you
Marly: ANYWAY. after playing on the same team as cap for 6 years (and rooming with him on the road for the first couple of years before we had our own rooms) i have made some…observations
Hammersmith: is this hockey related?
St. Simon: why are you interrupting🤨
Hammersmith: SORRY. i just want to know if i need to move to the opposite end of the couch…
Connors: is there assigned seating
Carmichael: con how do you even make it through the day with that nonexistent brain of yours🧐
St. Simon: seriously. it’s actually very concerning
Connors: that was very hurtful, carmen sandiego
Carmichael: STOP CALLING ME THAT, CONDOM
Connors: my apologies, carmex😘
Carmichael: 👊👊👊👊👊
Marly: 📣ENOUGH YOU TWO📣
St. Simon: why would you need to move hammy?
Hammersmith: because paige is nosy! unless you’re cool with whatever gets said here being public knowledge in the raiders WAGs chat
Marly: ⚠️everyone to the opposite side of the couch as your girlfriends, wives, and literate children⚠️
Carmichael: ooh this is gonna be juicyyyyy
Hammersmith: back to my original question: what are we supposed to be excited for?
Marly: did you see where we’re flying to tomorrow?
Hammersmith: uhh…montreal?
Connors: are we supposed to be connecting some dots here
Carmichael: OHHHHH. a montreal game👀
St. Simon: aren’t these the ones where cap is completely possessed on the ice but extra nice before and after?
Marly: yep. every single time. it feels like more than just the team rivalry
Hammersmith: cap probably has his best stats during games against montreal
Connors: but why montreal??
St. Simon: that girl who cap has been texting for years lives in montreal doesn’t she?
Marly: the elusive JANE!
Carmichael: she must be freaky AF in the sheets to have cap’s attention
Hammersmith: no wonder he shows off every time he plays her team
St. Simon: i still can’t believe he fell for a metros fan🚫❌
Connors: i wonder what’s so special about her
Hammersmith: she’s probably a smokeshow🔥🔥🔥
Marly: but it has to be more than just her looks. have you seen the girls he takes back to his hotel room in other cities?
St. Simon: i noticed that they’re all starting to look the same, even his boston girls
Carmichael: they probably all look like the knockoff version of jane💡
Hammersmith: that would be crazy because every single one i’ve seen is GORGEOUS
Marly: cap does not miss💯
St. Simon: i don’t think the knockoffs are enough anymore. he only wants the original
Carmichael: damn. i wonder what happened to redhead katherine? she was super hot and hilarious
Marly: she’s moving in with one of the admirals defensemen after the holidays😌 they’re pretty serious
Connors: did you set them up too???
Marly: maybe😏💘
Carmichael: with your matchmaking skills there shouldn’t be any single raiders players
Marly: i introduce people who have similar vibes BUT i’m not a magician. some of you are beyond help
Connors: HOW RUDE
Carmichael: he didn’t even call you out bro😂 CHILL OUT
St. Simon: marly you might be the first hockey player to be a groomsman in a wedding for someone from every single team in the MLH
Marly: i know! my fridge is full of wedding invites and baby announcements😍
Carmichael: now we need you to work your matchmaking magic for cap🤞🪄💘
Marly: that’s why i needed this chat!
Connors: bruh how many girls does cap have???
Hammersmith: in boston alone? enough that he could probably give every single person on the team 5 names and numbers and still have plenty left over
Marly: cap is SUPER protective of them though. like, i would trust my sisters with him❤️
Carmichael: sometimes if they’re too drunk, he sends them to his house from the bar and tells them to chug a gatorade so that they don’t feel like shit in the morning
St. Simon: damn. i need someone to do that for me
Connors: same. i need a responsible adult🙏
Marly: we might need to get you a full time nanny instead con😂
Hammersmith: i’m pretty sure that cap hosts epic drunk girl sleepovers. i went over to borrow a watch for paige’s birthday dinner and there were at least 3 girls asleep in one of his extra bedrooms
Carmichael: that sounds like a dream. get drunk, go to roz’s nice ass house with your besties, sleep in, then he sends a car to take you home😍
St. Simon: i heard that sometimes he even makes them breakfast
Connors: i want that for me😩
Hammersmith: maybe if you had some freckles, he’d date you
Marly: so many athletes would gladly have sex with girls who are way too drunk. they don’t feel bad about it
Marly: roz just wants to make sure they have somewhere safe to stay
Connors: yeah you’re right. he’s always looking out for people
St. Simon: he has that fridge for his hookups in his main sex guestroom with like every drink and snack you could ever want
Carmichael: “main sex guestroom” is CRAZY
Connors: i steal strawberry greek yogurts out of that fridge every time we have team movie nights😅
Hammersmith: you do know that cap always has stuff for us? we don’t have to steal from his girls😂
Marly: you better be nice to me con because i have gathered so much shit on you from this chat📝
Connors: I’M BEHAVING!!!
St. Simon: roz is on another level. he has jane, every hot girl within a 100 mile radius, AND sveta who is somehow even hotter than all of his hookups
Connors: russia and boston’s greatest love machine😜
Hammersmith: cap has a reputation as a fuckboy, but he really is respectful about it
Carmichael: which is why it’s even more confusing that we’ve never gotten to meet jane😕
St. Simon: he won’t admit it, but you can tell he’s ready to be locked down
Marly: only by jane though. i’m pretty sure that he’d cut off every single girl for her
Hammersmith: while he was drunk once, cap told me that jane was boring and he liked to be boring sometimes. i told him that’s how i knew it was serious with paige and he laughed
Connors: has jane ever been to cap’s house?
Carmichael: that’s a good question
Marly: i’m pretty sure that she hasn’t😳
St. Simon: yeah i think that they meet up at some fancy ass hotel whenever she’s in town
Hammersmith: maybe she hasn’t been to his house YET. what if cap is getting ready to make things official?
Carmichael: i’m with hammy. you think something could happen the next time that jane is in boston?
Connors: do you think he’ll let us finally see her🤞
Marly: i hope so! i’ve been dying to meet her for years now
Hammersmith: anyone who is important to cap is important to us. we just need to figure out how to get him to agree to it🤔
St. Simon: cap deserves to be happy. he takes care of all of us, his management team, sveta, and his asshole family back in russia. time for us to return the favor
Marly: he’ll never admit that he needs some TLC. we have to force nice things onto him to make sure that he’s taken care of
Carmichael: when i was in a weird place mentally and kept making stupid mistakes in practice, cap would give me nonsensical affirmations in his strongest accent to cheer me up
Carmichael: i thought for sure i was going to be slid back down to the minor leagues after some rough games, but cap believed in me
Connors: wow i never knew that. cap seems like an asshole to the public but he’s so far from it in real life
St. Simon: that’s just a persona he puts on. we know and love the real roz
Hammersmith: i love that we can be mushy about cap in this chat without him yelling at us for being annoying😂
Marly: SEE CONNORS? THE CHAT IS GREAT
Connors: i’m sorry for doubting your vision🥺
Carmichael: i take back everything i said earlier. i was annoyed that this chat was resurrected but now i like it here
Hammersmith: so we’re going to use this chat to compile clues about jane and brainstorm ways that we can push cap to make it official?
St. Simon: if cap asks, we tell him that we have a side chat where we talk tips and strategy
Connors: they’re just tips and strategies for his love life, not hockey😉
Carmichael: i really want to see cap happy. he seems stressed with family stuff
Marly: this is why we’re the best team in the league! nobody hypes up their captain and each other the way that we do👏
Marly: winning the cup was one of the best days of my life, but i’d love cap even if we never won it. we have something good here🥰
Connors: even though everyone is mean to me, i agree
St. Simon: shut up. you know we love you😘
Hammersmith: i feel like we just did a major team bonding activity
Carmichael: have we ever managed to actually have a serious conversation without getting completely sidetracked or roasting each other to death?
Connors: i think that this could’ve been a first BUT MY ROASTING DIDN’T STOP
St. Simon: we told no lies though con💀
Marly: real bros can be complete dicks to each other one moment and vulnerable the next😝
Hammersmith: i love this dysfunctional little family so much
PART 2: JANE & LILY (POST GAME)
Lily: good game👍
Jane: Thanks. You too!
Lily: are you ready for your reward🍆💦
Jane: So ready. Meet you at the condo in an hour?
Lily: YES PLEASE
Lily: i will just tuck my children in bed first
Jane: Your grown adult teammates are your children?
Lily: yes. perhaps i will tell them bedtime story
Lily: very needy men. am half captain half mother bear
Jane: I think you mean mama bear?
Lily: yes, like goldilocks with stolen porridge and broken beds
Jane: The story is Goldilocks and the Three Bears. And I think she broke a chair, not a bed.
Lily: my version is much better, no?
Lily: but in our story, goldilocks isn’t the one who breaks the bed😉
Jane: That night was CRAZY. I blame you for it.
Lily: nobody else will ever accomplish that with you
Jane: You’re ridiculous.
Lily: you know you like it😈
Jane: Fuck off. Do you remember the code to get in?
Lily: of course
Jane: Great. See you soon.
PART 3: THE POST-GAME GROUP CHAT
BOSTON’S BEST BROS💣🤑💯🍻
Carmichael: DID YOU GUYS SEE THE JUMBOTRON AFTER SECOND PERIOD👀
Marly: was it a kiss cam?
Carmichael: no, it was a cutie cam (or whatever they call it in french) where they show the babies and kids in the stands
St. Simon: i heard the metros bench cheering for something but i was busy stretching out a cramp😫
Hammersmith: i saw it. i’m 99% sure that was the aquarium baby on the screen
Roz: oh here we go with this bullshit
Carmichael: but wait ✨there’s more✨
Marly: okay billy mays
Connors: 🙏🕯️RIP in peace🕯️🙏
St. Simon: are you a fucking moron
Connors: it’s a meme you uncultured swine🖕
Carmichael: i’m definitely stealing that insult
Hammersmith: same. who knew connors could be funny and sassy?
Connors: WHY IS EVERYONE PICKING ON ME AGAIN
St. Simon: did we ever stop?
Connors: fuck you, asshole🖕
Roz: someone is very feisty today😳
Marly: cap with his latest vocabulary word🤓
Hammersmith: connors is like an adorable angry kitten
Roz: mmm no. maybe angry polar bear cub
Carmichael: 😂😂😂😂😂
Connors: HAVEN’T I FUCKING SUFFERED ENOUGH ALREADY
Carmichael: bruh where was this spicy energy during the game con???
St. Simon: why are you beefing with your teammates harder than you fought our opponents??
Hammersmith: definitely could’ve used it when the metros were sneaking dirty hits left and right
Connors: leave me alone😑🖕
Carmichael: no🫶💋❤️
Marly: so why is it interesting that the entire arena saw the aquarium baby? we already knew that he exists
Roz: pike has so many children that it’s shocking there can be shots of audience without one of them in it
Marly: it was a home game for montreal. pike always has his wife and kids there
Hammersmith: *alleged wife
St. Simon: all aboard the bullshit train🙃🚂 the shayden agenda has been resurrected
Hammersmith: CHOO CHOO motherfuckers
Connors: SHAYDEN IS SO BACK💘
Roz: i swear i will convince coach that you need to do laps with your skates on wrong feet and marly riding piggyback for team morale
Marly: he’d definitely drop me on my ass on purpose
Carmichael: i would pay money to see that🤣
Hammersmith: respect your elders!
St. Simon: not this shit again💀
Roz: i thought we were done with stupid sh*yd*n conspiracy?
Carmichael: yes BUT that was before all of bell centre witnessed lil shay shay sleeping on yuna hollander’s lap on the jumbotron🫖
Marly: hollander’s mom????
Roz: you’re fucking lying
Carmichael: i’m so serious. there are probably pics on twitter
Carmichael: FOUND ONE
aquarium baby was random stock photo
Roz: i’m sure there is good reason for this. is not because of sh*yd*n
Connors: shayden seems like a plausible explanation for it
Marly: carmie please tell me you didn’t find this on a shayden stan’s twitter account
Carmichael: okay! 🤐🤐🤐🤐🤐
Hammersmith: respectfully, hollander’s mom can get it
Roz: gross! she is married woman and you are married man!
St. Simon: we are not seriously calling that poor innocent infant “lil shay shay”
Connors: lowkey it sounds like the name of a shitty soundcloud rapper🤣
Hammersmith: what’s the baby’s real name?
Roz: arthur. sadly not colorful rock name. pike cannot stay on theme just like he cannot stay on puck
Marly: i was not expecting cap to know the answer to that one😳
St. Simon: something something he’s studying his competition
Roz: oh. so now is bully captain night☹️
Connors: welcome to my life
Hammersmith: so dramatic😂
Carmichael: do you think hollander’s mom is in on the shayden coverup?
Roz: there is no coverup. sh*yd*n is FAKE
Marly: that baby looks way too much like pike
Connors: idk, have you seen hollander’s dad👀
Hammersmith: i just looked up a picture of him. now I have questions…
St. Simon: omg that’s not shane hollander’s secret baby🤦♂️
Roz: seems very unlikely and scientifically impossible. baby is 0% hollander
Carmichael: let us have some fun to ease the pain of our loss💔
Marly: the pain of our loss or the pain in your ribs after pike of all people checked you HARD and snuck in an elbow jab?
Carmichael: he was taking out his tabloid frustrations on me. i was only the simple messenger😢
Hammersmith: i still can’t believe that the refs didn’t call him on that
Connors: i heard the impact from across the ice😖
Marly: can you blame pike? he was probably enjoying his peaceful life until carmie dropped that article link
St. Simon: well, his peaceful life as an unknown nobody💀
Roz: i cannot say i am against sabotaging pike’s peace. would be fun
Carmichael: WE MADE CAP A SHAYDEN🙌
Roz: over my fucking dead body
Marly: you’re definitely encouraging gremlin roz to terrorize you dude
Roz: agreed👍 fuck sh*yd*n
Connors: the argument for shayden was compelling i must say
St. Simon: no it was not???
Roz: i can sabotage your peace too connors🔪 will not feel bad about it
Connors: i am already so persecuted. like poor pike
St. Simon: you really are so dramatic. you can chirp back you know
Hammersmith: i wouldn’t want to be in cap’s crosshairs the way pike is
Roz: WE ARE NOT PIKE SYMPATHIZERS HERE
Marly: cap, go see jane. you’ll feel better
Roz: fine. goodbye and goodnight terrible children
Carmichael: goodnight cap! we love you! make good choices!
Roz: 😈😈😈😈😈
PART 4: BACK TO THE SECRET SIDE CHAT
CAP’S BIG BOSTON BIRTHDAY BASH🍾🥳🎁
Marly: okay guys, switch the convo over here. cap just left to meet up with jane, so he’s probably going to be busy for a few hours
Connors: why don’t we just follow him to see where he’s going?
St. Simon: because that’s weird and invasive???
Carmichael: maybe a jane sighting would keep us from going down the shayden rabbit hole
Connors: IT’S FOR A NOBLE CAUSE
Hammersmith: i’m sure jane is dying to have a bunch of boston hockey bros surprising her😂
Marly: we are NOT going all kool-aid man on cap while he’s with his girl
Carmichael: we don’t want to scare her away
St. Simon: i feel like if you regularly hook up with THE ilya rozanov, you probably aren’t fazed by much🤪
Connors: true. i wonder if cap is as chaotic with jane as he is with us
Hammersmith: i think he might sprinkle in some chaos every now and then, but he’s probably a total softie
St. Simon: he did say that he likes how boring jane is, so i think he must be somewhat behaved
Marly: cap is totally a secret loverboy
Carmichael: can we rename this chat already🙏
Marly has changed the name of the group chat to ‘BOSTON’S BORING BEAUTS🏒🥅🪄💖’
Connors: the emojis do kinda make this look like a hockey tips chat
St. Simon: LET’S LOCK CAP DOWN WITH HIS BORING SOULMATE!
Hammersmith: idk how we’re gonna pull this off but i’m so here for it
Carmichael: we’ve won a cup together boys. this has to be easier than that…right?
Marly: i’m going all in with my best matchmaking skills for my best friend
St. Simon: first step: who wants to try to get deets from cap at breakfast?
Hammersmith: i think marly is the least suspicious option
Carmichael: agreed. don’t forget to ask if jane is coming to his house when she’s in boston next👀
Connors: maybe i should be there for emotional support
Marly: somehow, i feel like you’d end up needing the emotional support instead so hard pass
St. Simon: i hate to agree with con, BUT he is good at throwing people off with his random tangents. it might make cap less suspicious if it didn’t seem like marly was digging for something
Connors: FINALLY SOMEONE LIKES ME
Carmichael: we all like you drama boy
Hammersmith: so marly gets info with con, then we debrief in our chat on the plane?
Marly: perfect. TIME FOR ME TO MAKE ANOTHER MATCH💘