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“Papa!” Echo shouted.
“Yes, my boy,” Gregor asked his bald, ghostly-pale son. The two of them had woken up only about an hour earlier in one of their many homes scattered throughout the galaxy, this one happened to be a small Ewok hut on Endor. Echo loved to play with the Ewoks and luckily the Ewoks didn’t seem to mind too much when they would stumble or slip in piles of poop that the boy would randomly disperse throughout their village due to his severe stomach issues. So it was a good place for the tiny family to live.
“Where we goin’, Papa?” Echo asked his dad as he watched the large clone commando loading up his pack.
Captain Gregor sighed, he hated this part of parenthood. He hated having to leave his boy for duty. “Echo boy, I’ve got to go check on my restaurant on Abafar. I’m going to take you to Canto Bight and Uncle Wolffe is going to watch you for a few days,” he told his son as he gave him an encouraging smile.
A giddy Echo jumped in the air and clapped his probe stick and his one hand together. “Uncko Woffie!” he shouted with glee.
Gregor’s smile grew at his son’s enthusiasm. “Yes, Uncko Woffie. Do you like spending time with him?” he asked his strange son.
Suddenly, Echo changed his demeanor. His head hung down, and he said, “Papa I wuv Uncko Woffie but…but I don’t think Uncko Woffie likes me.” Echo kicked a small rock that had somehow appeared in front of him at that very moment.
Gregor turned around from his now packed bag and made his way over to Echo. Gregor placed his strong muscular arm on Echo’s weak puny shoulder and asked, “Why would you think that Echo, my boy?”
Echo looked up at his perfect pa. “Because he said he hates my guts and that I’m so ugwee,” he told his daddy.
Gregor nodded his head slightly. “Yeah, Wolffe would say something like that. Listen Echo. You are very ugly but that doesn’t mean you shouldn’t be loved. I know your uncle loves you so much, he’s just a grump, but you’ll see. Now, come on, grab your bag and let’s go to Cantonica.” The commando turned back around to grab his own pack.
“Ok papa,” Echo said. Suddenly there was a loud pooing noise and an alarmed Gregor quickly spun around. “Sorry papa.”
Gregor looked down at the pile of poo at the black clad trooper’s feet and let out a sigh. “It’s ok son. We can clean that when we get back.”
“Sounds good, papa,” Echo said and ran over to grab his pack.
Sometime later, the father and his son landed on Cantonica. Echo had his very own miniature Death Star that Gregor had gifted him and Gregor piloted an ARC-170
“PAPA!” Echo shouted as they both exited their ships.
“Yes, boy?”
“I accidentally pooed in my ship!” Echo confessed.
Gregor sighed, and said, “It’s ok, Echo. Don’t worry about that right now.”
"Ok, Papa. I wuv you Papa,” the sweet boy told his dad.
“I love you so much, Echo,” Gregor responded. His son may have been hideous and annoying but the beautiful man still loved him immensely.
The two looked up at the exciting city that lay in front of them. They had landed on the shore and they could see the magnificent casino at the top of the glittering city. The little family had an apartment here and that’s where they would be meeting Captain Gregor’s brother, Echo’s uncle Wolffe.
“Echo boy, let’s try to make it to the apartment without pooing ok? There’s some fancy people in this city and they might not like to see poo in the street.” Gregor said.
“Ok Papa,” Echo responded, and Gregor could see his son instantly clench his backside up tight in order to prevent any accidents.
“That’s a good boy, Echo,” Gregor said as he smiled proudly at his boy.
The two made their way through the city towards their small apartment. It took a little longer than Gregor had hoped because Echo kept hiding behind various objects and staring at random people. For some reason the boy didn’t understand that people could still see him when he was standing behind a pole. Once Gregor wrangled his son in, they made it to their Canto Bight home. Gregor typed the code to the door and it slid open.
Immediately upon stepping into the apartment the two of them heard, “About time!” It was Commander Wolffe.
Echo ran from behind Gregor, and shouted, “Uncko Woffie!”
Wolffe gave the most extreme of eye rolls. “Ugh I hate your kid so much, Gregor. Why did I agree to babysitting?” Wolffe stuck his hand out in front of him as Echo came towards him, pushing it into the boy’s face. Echo continued walking but he couldn’t reach Wolffe to hug him due to the commander’s outstretched hand.
Gregor glared at his one-eyed brother. “Be nice, Wolffe. You owe me,” he said, his voice stern.
Commander Wolffe let out an exaggerated sigh, the palm of his hand still out and Echo still walking toward him, and said, “Fine. But I am not cleaning up any poo.”
“That’s fine. Anyway, you boys have a good time together. I need to get going,” Gregor told them.
Echo finally stopped trying to reach his uncle and turned back towards his pa, and shouted, “Papa!”
Gregor walked over to his son and embraced him, as he hugged him he said, “I love you, Echo. Be good for Uncle Wolffe, ok?”
“Ok Papa. I wuv you Papa,” Echo said. He stood up on his tiptoes to kiss his pa goodbye. The taller clone leaned down and stuck out his big clone lips and kissed his boy. The two made kissy noises and Wolffe’s lips curled up at the entire scene.
“You two are disgusting! Who kisses their own son like that?!” he shouted at the weird pair.
When they finished their goodbye kiss, Gregor gave Wolffe a glare, and said, “Nothing better happen to my sweet boy, Wolffe.” Then the commando slipped his helmet on and walked out of the apartment.
As soon as the commando left, the creepy child man slowly turned towards Wolffe and the commander cringed. “Uncko Woffieeeee. What you wanna play?” Echo asked his uncle with a smile.
“Wow, you are so creepy,” he said, as he took a few steps back away from Echo. “I don’t want to play anything with you. I’ve already got plans. You and me Echo…we are hitting the casino.” Wolffe grinned big.
Echo’s mouth dropped open. “But Uncko Woffie, Papa said ‘Echo, If Uncko Woffie wants to gamble again tell him no!’”
Wolffe narrowed his eyes at Echo and started to walk towards the door. “Echo, you are just a dumb kid. Now put your helmet on, you are too ugly. I don’t want you scaring people.”
“Ok, Uncko!” Echo said with excitement, and put his helmet on as Wolffe had instructed.
Commander Wolffe held his helmet at his side and the two made their way to the infamous Canto Bight casino.
A few hours later, Commander Wolffe was broke. The man was horrible at every card game and he had honestly never been lucky in his entire life. The soldier now with a 5 o'clock shadow, sat alone at a table with his head down, his cheek flat on the table, wallowing in his failure.
“Papa warned Uncko Woffie,” Echo told him, as he stood behind Wolffe.
“Shut up, I hate you,” Wolffe muttered.
“Papa, said you wuv me,” Echo corrected him, causing Wolffe to sit up and look at him.
“Your papa is a liar. Why did Gregor have to go and shit out a kid? That’s so weird. How did you come out of his butt anyway? You know what, I don’t want to know. All I know is that I definitely hate you.”
Suddenly, Echo started crying. “WAHH WAHH WAHHHHH.”
It was extremely loud and embarrassing and Wolffe jumped up and tried to stop the boy but he continued. “WAHHH WAHHH. UNCKO WOOFIE HATES ME.”
The commander looked around as people started to stare at the two of them. Embarrassed, Wolffe waved his hands in front of Echo trying to calm the child. “No no I was joking. I love you Echo, you are my nephew of course I love you.” The commander attempted to wrap his arms around the weird man but he couldn’t bring himself to do it, and instead pulled them back in.
“How can I make Uncko Woffie love me?” Echo asked, his shoulders hunched over.
“I don’t know. I just hate that I’m here in this fun city and I’m stuck hanging out with you–” Before Commander Wolffe could finish his sentence, he had an idea. Cringing, he reached out his hand and put it on Echo’s gross shoulder, and said, “Let’s play a game, Echo.”
Echo straightened up and he started bouncing with joy at his uncle’s request, and said, “Ok, Papa.”
Wolffe glared at the boy. “I’m not your papa.”
“Ok, Uncko,” Echo corrected himself.
“Since I lost all my money and I don’t really want to spend time with you, how about you go on a special secret mission and find your uncle a hot date?” Wolffe smiled big at the boy. Echo instantly started clapping his probe stick and his hand together.
Still grinning, Wolffe said, “Ok Echo you go around the casino and find me a beautiful babe. But make sure she looks like she has money because I’m thirsty and she’s going to have to buy me a drink…and honestly…probably some food too.”
Echo nodded and said, “Ok! Bootiful babe for uncko.” Then to Wolffe’s delight, the freaky boy ran off.
Moments later, Wolffe was startled by Echo’s nasty voice. He had never expected the kid to be back that quickly. “Uncko!” he heard Echo shout and he immediately turned around.
What Wolffe saw disgusted him. Beside Echo was a male Mon Calamari, the man waved at Commander Wolffe and then winked.
“Bootiful babe for Uncko Woffie!” Echo said, excitedly.
“Echo! That is a dude! And it’s a disgusting fish!” Wolffe shouted at the poor boy.
“Well,” the nasty fish man scoffed, before storming off.
Wolffe stood up and pushed his finger into Echo’s chest. “Echo, this is not funny! I gave you a mission!”
“I thought that what Uncko wants! WAHHH WAHHH” Echo started crying again, causing Wolffe to take a deep breath to calm himself.
“Echo. It has to be a woman, part of being a beautiful babe is to be a woman! Got that!” Wolffe clarified for the boy.
“Ohhhhhhhh,” Echo said, and his eyes lit up. Then suddenly Wolffe heard a disgusting wet sound, Echo had pooed.
“Echo!” he shouted, taking a step backwards.
“Sorry Uncko,” Echo said, ashamed.
The two found another table on the other side of the casino so that they wouldn’t have to continue to smell Echo’s poop. Then Wolffe sent the boy back off on his mission to try again.
“I swear if he brings back another dude I’m gonna shoot him. Gregor can just get over it,” Wolffe said to himself as he waited.
Again, moments later he heard Echo’s voice behind him, somehow the boy was always behind him. “Uncko,” he heard Echo say softly, obviously worried since he had failed so miserably the first time. Wolffe was confident that Echo would get it right this time, so smiling, he turned around quickly.
Wolffe instantly vomited onto the floor. Beside Echo was Mama the Hutt. After the commander wiped his mouth off with his glove, he screamed at Echo. “ECHO! What is wrong with you!”
“But Uncko Woffie. I asked her if she was a woman!” Echo said, on the brink of crying.
“Oh, I am all woman,” the disgusting blob creature said. Wolffe had to hold back from barfing again.
Not wanting to make the weird child cry again, Wolffe calmed himself before he said, “Echo, she might be a woman but she is horrifically disgusting. You can see that right? Why would you think that I would want to go on a date with that!”
“I can hear you,” the fat worm said.
Wolffe looked at the Hutt, his expression flat. “Ok like you didn’t already know that you were one of the most disgusting beings in the galaxy?” he asked her.
Mama the Hutt smiled, “Oh I know I am. I just thought maybe you would be into that. But seeing how you apparently are not, I’m leaving.” To Wolffe’s utter delight, the horrific thing slithered out of his view.
Wolffe turned to Echo whose current body language indicated that the trooper felt like a failure. “Come here, Echo,” Wolffe said and reached out his hand toward his nephew. Echo reached for it but the commander pulled it away before he could touch him. “No, we don’t really need to touch. Just come here.” Echo walked closer to his uncle.
“Echo, this is my fault. Let me be more specific. Uncle Wolffe likes a woman with long hair and who is not fat. Can you do that?”
“Yes, Papa,” Echo nodded enthusiastically.
Wolffe flared his nostrils. “I’m not your papa, Echo.” Then, before saying anything else, Echo ran off.
Wolffe was nervous in his chair as he waited for Echo to return. The clone figured that now that he had given a description the boy just might come through for him, but then again, Wolffe knew the kid was super dumb so in the end he probably wouldn’t come through.
“Ohhhh Uncko,” he heard a creepy voice again say from behind him. Before turning around, Wolffe took a deep breath to prepare himself for whatever horrific creature the kid may have brought him this time. As he took his time the commander heard an angelic voice say, “For the Republic!” His heart stopped before he even saw the voice’s owner, for he too loved the Republic.
Wolffe looked at the date Echo had brought him. “Senator Amidala?” She was not fat and her hair was long. Echo had done it.
“Commander Wolffe?” she asked.
“Uncko, do you like her?” Echo asked.
Wolffe’s mouth had fallen open. “Yes, Echo. Amazing job!”
“Yay! So Uncko Woffie wuv me now?” Echo asked, his voice full of joy.
Wolffe waved him off, “Yes yes Echo now go and give me some time alone.” The commander turned to Padme. “Would you join me on a date?” he asked her.
The woman giggled and nodded yes to him. She walked to the other side of the small table and sat down. “Could you buy me a drink? I’m really thirsty,” Wolffe asked her, and winked his good eye. She smiled and nodded. Wolffe’s heart fluttered. “Can I ask you something?” he said to her.
The woman nodded.
“Do you think I’m handsome?”
“Yeah,” she said.
Wolffe’s heart sped up.
“Will you marry me?” he asked her.
“Sure,” she said. The woman then leaned across the table and found Wolffe’s lips and the two kissed passionately. Wolffe’s life was complete; he had never been happier. He now had a beautiful wife, nothing could ruin this moment.
“Can I kiss too?” Wolffe suddenly heard Echo whisper. Apparently the kid had never left and was standing right behind Wolffe the entire time.
Wolffe, embarrassed, told Padme, “Sorry about that, he’s my nephew. He is super weird and gross.”
“Uncko Woffie, kiss me!” Echo shouted.
“Awww, he is adorable. Give him a kiss,” Padme told her new husband.
Wolffe gulped. Echo was so nasty, but he couldn’t make his new wife upset with him already. A giddy Echo, upon hearing Padme’s request, came closer to Wolffe. The creepy clone removed his helmet, revealing a pale bald head with knobs and sunken cheeks. The repulsive boy pushed his lips out and licked them vigorously. Wolffe could see spit bubbles in the corners of his mouth. The commander started to gag.
“Kiss him or I’m leaving you,” Padme threatened from across the table, her face angry. Wolffe looked at her and opened his eyes wide and she gestured with her head towards the boy. The commander looked back toward his nephew who was now way too close to him. It was only then that Wolffe noticed that Echo had a smudge of something brown on his cheek near his mouth, Wolffe had never been so disgusted in his life. Suddenly, Wolffe remembered when Echo had pooed in the casino earlier. The trooper pursed out his lips as he neared Wolffe. The boy man was only inches from the commander now, and Wolffe could smell his cat pee breath.
“I CAN’T!” Commander Wolffe shouted as he rapidly stood up and drew his blasters and shot Echo at point blank. Wolffe watched as his nephew, his own brother’s son, exploded in front of him. His helmet that he had been holding landed on the table, causing Padme to scream out in horror. The commander could only watch as his gorgeous wife ran off and left him. Alone, Wolffe stared down at all that remained of his idiotic nephew. The officer picked up the boy’s helmet and stared at it in disbelief. “Shit. Gregor is going to kill me,” Wolffe said to himself. As he stood there holding the helmet, he suddenly heard a familiar voice come from behind him.
“Wolffe?” the voice said, stretching out his name for way too long that it ended up being super annoying.
The commander turned around and saw his brother, Captain Rex, staring at him, the blond man’s face a mask of complete shock and horror, as Wolffe held their dead nephew’s helmet.
“Rex?” Wolffe responded.
Want to read something more serious? Read my Star wars Clone novel.