Chapter Text
"Gooood afternoon my victorious vagabonds! I think you'll enjoy this adventure that I've cooked up for you!" Caine declares, swinging his cane as he pops out of thin air. Jax and Pomni look up from their poker game.
"I thought we agreed adventures were only a once a week thing," Jax says. "Last one we did was Friday. It's definitely not Friday now."
"You can tell?" Pomni asks. Jax shrugs.
After Caine's attempt at torturing the circus members, Kinger had managed to edit his code in a way that would limit his power, but also give him a new amount of understanding of humans that would hopefully help them interact with each other. Apologies had been given, Caine had groveled, and compromises had eventually been made, many of them involving the nature of adventures. And, after a long conversation, Caine had allowed the circus members to keep their ability to swear.
"And I respect your boundaries as people and continue to obey this rule!" Caine agrees. "But considering the context of this adventure I thought you might all change your minds! See, you know how you all have made such a big deal about your names?"
"Wh—Are you saying today's adventure is you finally telling us our names?" Zooble asks.
"Mmmyeah not quite!" Caine says. "See, the problem with memories is that they're all a bit tied up in each other. So it appears some other things may have been forgotten in addition to you not having a name, and since all these memories are 'tied up in your identity' or something, your teeny tiny human brains need to remember that before you can understand the name itself. So, I'm calling this adventure Trip Down Memory Lane! You'll all be able to see each other's important memories and once you've identified the key moment in each, you'll be given your name! You'll be able to fast-forward, pause, and rewind this memory as many times as you'd like until you realize why it was so meaningful to you!"
"You think I want these losers to learn more about me?" Jax demands.
"Wait." Pomni holds up a hand. "These memories… They were important to our identity? Does that mean remembering them will—change our personality?"
"And you're only telling us about this now?" Zooble demands. "What would even make you do a thing like that in the first place?"
"Hey, an adventure like this takes time to get right!" Caine protests. "It's hard work to recreate a memory in a way your squishy human brains would understand! Plus, I needed to set the scene juuust right to make sure it triggers any other memories that might have been hiding in your subconscious I couldn't find—but nothing is gone completely! Even if you don't remember it consciously, it's still somewhere in your unconscious mind! That's why I'm able to help you retrieve it in the first place. And of course, some of these memories have repeated themes throughout what you do remember! For example, Pomni, you lost one day of hiking with your father! But that's an activity you've done together since you were ten years old!"
"O-Oh." Pomni clearly doesn't know what to think about that. "Okay?"
"Still doesn't make sense why you thought this was a good idea in the first place." Zooble grumbles. "But if you have my memories, then yeah, I want them now."
"I'm sure we all do," Ragatha agrees. "Definitely worth an exception, I agree. But… if these are memories very important to our identities, doesn't that mean they might be a bit—personal? I'm not sure if all of us sharing is, um, the best idea."
"Actually! I ran the numbers!" Caine points to her with his cane. "The only way for this adventure not to be slightly traumatizing is if you bring someone with you!"
"Guess your new empathy update is working better than ever," Jax tells Kinger.
"Thank you," Kinger says, completely sincere. He's wearing what Jax has dubbed his "Sanity goggles" to keep him coherent despite the brightness of the circus.
"Wow, Caine, really making this sound like a fun adventure." Pomni winces. "Uh, maybe… buddy-system, then? We each take at least once person with us? I-If everyone wants to do this, I mean."
"I… think I'd really like it if you joined me for this, Ragatha," Kinger says softly. "To be honest, meeting you had been such a relief to me, after being here alone, I'm sure if we'd known each other as humans, you'd be in one of these 'core identity' memories yourself."
Ragatha visibly startles at that.
"I—" she blinks. "I mean—I think it would be a relief to have you around for mine too, but—are you sure?"
"I really am," Kinger confirms. Ragatha glances at Zooble and Gangle, who have already moved closer together, then at Pomni.
"I mean, you know what I think of this," Jax says, putting his arm on Pomni's head like it's an armrest. "Why care about a human name when you're a rabbit? But if you're too scared to go in alone, I guess I could be your buddy, squirt."
"Don't call me that." Pomni scowls.
"I guess it's pretty obvious I'd want to go with Zooble." Gangle lets out an awkward laugh.
"Hey, I'd rather have you with me, too," Zooble tells her.
"I mean, I could—" Ragatha stops herself when she meets Pomni's gaze. The two convey a ten minute conversation in a few seconds with a few faces. There had been a moment, before they'd saved Caine from his unintentional deletion, when Jax had seemed close to being vulnerable, but Caine's return meant a return in Jax's desire to keep the status quo. Especially since it came with the revelation that they were all simply brain scans of humans and not actually "real" people, whatever that meant. Enough time had passed that the rest of them had more or less processed it—but it was an easy excuse for Jax to be worse.
In his defense, he did bully Gangle much less, but he hadn't gotten any more genuine. Especially not enough to be someone anyone wanted to trust with sensitive memories.
But Jax deserved to learn his name as much as anyone, and if Pomni thought she could handle whatever comments he made about her memories… At least she knew she could vent about the experience to Ragatha afterwards.
"I'm—really going to enjoy introducing myself to you again after this, Pomni!" Ragatha says instead, giving the other girl a wide smile.
"Thanks, Ragatha." Pomni smiles back. "Same to you."
Jax pretends to gag.
"You're going on the adventure, too, Jax?" Caine asks. "Huh! I figured there was only about a fifty percent chance of that happening!"
"What, am I not allowed to learn my name now?" Jax challenges. "Bring on the portal already, let's gooo."
Caine opens his mouth to protest, but Jax gives him a light slap on the arm, so Caine snaps his fingers and sends them away.
You're alone in your room drawing in a notebook. There are a variety of drawings pinned on the wall, the vast majority of which seem to focus on the same magical girl character. You're laying on your bed, surrounded by various pillows and stuffed animals.
"Is that what I looked like?" Gangle asks. She giggles. The world around them goes gray, and the image of Human Gangle freezes. "I thought I'd be paler."
Zooble grabs onto the end of her hand-ribbon.
"It's okay to be nervous," they say. "You can tell me what you're thinking."
Gangle takes off her happy mask and smiles.
"This feels mean, doesn't it?" she asks. "I mean, I know we all agreed to this, but—isn't this just showing us something we'll never get to have."
"Maybe," Zooble agrees. "Should have asked Caine more questions. But I think with the way he is now, he might show up if you really want to stop."
Gangle shakes her head.
"I want to know," she says. "I think I am a little scared, though."
She squeezes Zooble's claw.
You hum the opening of an anime to yourself as you get out your eraser, trying to remove part of an arm you've been drawing. Unfortunately, you down too hard and the paper rips underneath you. You stare, shocked, then burst into tears.
You're too old to feel like this, you know. The guilt hits you almost as hard as the emotion itself. You don't know why, but you're sure you've done a bad thing. Art is supposed to be the one thing you're good at. And you can't even make a simple sketch without ruining the whole thing.
Other girls your age wouldn't even think this is an issue, you know. Other girls would spend their weekends studying for their math test instead of taking big, shuddering gasps of air and trying to force the tears to stop.
Your mom rushes into the room and grabs you by the arms. You hate when she does this to you. Having any part of your body constricted makes you feel trapped. Even if you can wiggle out of her grasp, the fact that you're being held at all feels like a punishment somehow.
"What's wrong, baby?" your mom asks. "Did something hurt you?"
"I think… my mom used to tell me about stuff like this," Gangle says. "She said I always cried about everything as a kid. She used to tell me she was afraid I was too sensitive to make it as an adult… But after a while, it kind of got funny because I started feeling that about her, too."
"I'm… sorry," Zooble offers.
"I guess she wasn't really wrong though." Gangle wipes the tears off her mask and sniffs. "I do still cry at pretty much every thing."
"Yeah, but you still enjoy yourself, don't you?" Zooble nudges Gangle. "I think that's more important. Sorry, I know I'm not being fair to your mom. She ran in to help you pretty fast. That's pretty good parenting."
"She's always been pretty scared of something happening to me. I think if it was just up to her, she'd probably have kept a baby monitor in my room till I was eighteen." Gangle lets out a small, sad laugh. "I'm glad I had my dad to help hold her back."
Gangle flinches once she realizes what she's said.
"N-not that she was a bad mom!" she adds quickly. "She just—she really tried her best, I know, but—"
"Hey," Zooble says gently. "She's not here. You don't have to make excuses for me."
Gangle's ribbons wilt.
"I think—I know why Caine is showing me this," she says. "It's the first time I realized that the way I felt things wasn't… normal. It's probably the first time my mom started thinking I'd always need her to look after me, too."
"There's nothing wrong with that," Zooble says. "Nobody can live alone. Everyone wants someone to make them soup when they're sick. There's a lot of people who make a living helping someone with something they can't figure out on their own. Maybe you need help with your taxes, or mending a dress. Maybe you just don't make coffee as good as the shop down the block. Everyone needs someone to have our back every now and then. But… I'm getting the sense she didn't always have your back."
Gangle hesitates for a moment.
"I had to pretend to be happy sometimes," she says. "Because I didn't want her to worry about me."
"I'm sorry," Zooble says. Gangle nods.
"It helps that I have you now," she says. "I know you like me when I'm sad, too."
Confetti shoots out around them. A key appears in the notebook, so Gangle grabs it and unlocks her room, and the two move on.
You're older now, but still a child. You don't have many friends. People find you too strange. Either you're too excited about things that don't matter, or too sensitive. You've never learned how to care about things appropriately. Even now, surrounded by other girls at a sleepover, you're terrified you'll make some mistake that will mark you as too different to play with again. You made your mother buy you new pajamas before you came here, so they wouldn't see the Hello Kitty print and call you childish for wearing it.
They make you play truth or dare. For the first two rounds, you've picked dare, but a knot in your stomach tightens as you watch the girl beside you pick truth. If you don't tell them something about you, you know they'll say you're playing the game wrong.
"Your turn!" a girl tells you. "Truth or dare?"
"Truth," you say. Your eyes dart at the circle of girls around you, wondering what they'll make you confess to.
"Okay," the girl giggles. "What boy do you think is cute?"
"I think I can guess this one," Zooble says. "This is how you realized you liked girls?"
"Something like that." Gangle smiles. "It was when I realized that other girls actually liked boys. And not even just 2D ones! I had a lot of fictional crushes on, um, anime characters and stuff, but I never thought I'd want that with someone real."
You freeze like a deer in headlights. You'd spent hours the day before watching a show the other girls loved so you would have something to talk about. You'd listened to their favorite bands. All that work just to get them to like you, and you still didn't have an answer for such a simple question.
"It's weird looking back on this," Gangle admits. "I didn't remember any of it until just now, and now I'm giving myself some serious second-hand embarrassment. I think gave the name of a boy I sat next to in science class. It was a really bad idea, actually, because every time I saw him, I remembered what I said and it just made me feel like a gigantic liar."
"You don't have to explain yourself to me." Zooble nods. "I know how it goes. You know you're different, but you don't know why, and not being able to put a name to it just makes it worse. I think we all have a moment of queer anxiety before we come out."
"I… don't know if I ever really came out, actually." Gangle frowns. "I just—in high school, I wasn't really feeling my best, so I don't think I ever thought about looking at anyone that way. Then college came and I tried to be more social and everything, but I just got… too tired to have a crush on anyone. And then I started work."
That had made her even more tired, though in a different way.
"You can say it now," Zooble offers. "Sometimes it's just nice to hear it out loud."
Gangle considers this.
"I'm a lesbian," she says. A portal opens up between the circle of girls on the floor. Zooble pats Gangle on the shoulder as confetti floats around them.
"Good job," they say. "I'm proud of you."
Gangle smiles. Zooble is right. It does feel good to say out loud. Gangle glances at her younger self, then turns back to Zooble and the two jump together.
You're eighteen years old and your blood is dripping down your wrist.
"I don't want to see this," Gangle says softly. Zooble looks around. They're in a bathroom now, so they take a towel and cover the arm of the human Gangle from the memory. The object of harm is still in her other hand, so Zooble wrestles that out, too, and puts it back in the medicine cabinet.
"Caine said we could fast-forward as much as we'd like," Zooble offers. "You don't… We can skip ahead a bit, if you need to."
"I don't think I need to see any more," Gangle says. "I know what this is. This is the first time I got put on suicide watch. I didn't expect to cut so deep, but—I guess there was a part of me that hoped if I did, they'd take it seriously. But I—I forgot I kind of hate it when my mom takes things seriously."
Gangle looks down at her lower ribbons.
"I wasn't originally going to go to community college," she admits. "I mean—I got into other places. We were still deciding. But then my mom said—she was worried about what would happen to me. If I was too far away. I guess I can't really blame her for that. She had to come pick me up halfway through my first semester, anyway, so I guess she was right."
"Don't say it like that," Zooble says. "If it was me, it wouldn't have mattered where you were. I would have driven to see you no matter how far away you were. If you want something—I mean, it's a parent's job to figure out how to make that work, you know?"
Gangle sniffs and rubs away a tear. She hasn't put her happy mask back on. She thinks maybe she'll leave it off for the remainder of the adventure. Sometimes, the plausible deniability it gives her comes as a relief. Of course she's sad. Who wouldn't be, in her situation?
"I wish you didn't have to see me like this," Gangle says. She's glad Ragatha pushed back on this adventure being something they all experienced together. She doesn't want to know what Jax would say about this. She's already got plenty of cruel things to say about herself. Even though she knows how much Zooble loves her, there's a part of Gangle that can't help but wonder, "is this it? Is this when they finally get tired of me?"
Zooble shakes their head.
"I just… wish you were the one to tell me," they say. "Not because this adventure is just forced vulnerability."
"At least I'll get to see you, too," Gangle tries to joke. "Not that… You probably didn't do anything like this. I just mean, at least it's shared vulnerability."
Zooble looks at the towel on Human Gangle's arm.
"I didn't…" they hesitate. "I didn't treat my body as well as I should have. Maybe staying up all night working on an art project doesn't sound like self harm, but it starts getting kind of close when you can't sleep because you hate your body."
"Oh." Gangle blinks as she tries to make this knowledge fit with what she knows about Zooble. Zooble leans in the doorway, suddenly bashful.
"I'm not as strong as you think," they say. Gangle smiles.
"No, I know," she says. She thinks back to the weeks before Caine's accidental deletion. The lack of what remained of their previously meager autonomy had pained them. Gangle had seen it in the way they fell apart. The way they had become too exhausted to live as anything more than a head Gangle could carry around—but that had been fine. Because Zooble would never be too heavy for her. "I'm sorry. I don't want you to think I'm asking you to solve my problems or anything. You just—you make me feel like I can be strong, too. Even if it's hard, I want a happy life."
Another flurry of confetti. It feels ridiculously morbid, considering the scene surrounding them, but other than a shared look, neither of them mention it. The medicine cabinet swings open and inside is a small, swirling portal. Zooble offers their claw to Gangle and helps her climb onto the sink to reach it.
"Hey," Zooble says suddenly. Gangle turns around. "I just—I'm proud of you."
When was the last time anyone had told her that?
No—Gangle knows the answer to that. The real question is, when has anyone but Zooble told her that?
"Thanks." Gangle wipes away a tear. "I'm really trying, I promise."
You're at a con dressed as Mitsuki from Full Moon o Sagashite in her sixteen-year-old idol form. You're a bit nervous about it, to be honest. The anime is old, and definitely hasn't aged well, but stories about fulfilling your dreams have always been your favorite—especially when the protagonist is able to defy death. Two shinigami tell Mitsuki that she'll be dead within a year, but offer her the ability to temporarily grow older so she can audition as a singer. It's an odd choice for a cosplay, but the benefit of it that if no one knows who you are, or you're too embarrassed to say, you can just claim to be just casually wearing J-fashion
It's also the first time you've been to a con alone—last time you went, it was with your mother in high school. But you're an adult now, and though you know people you work with who like anime, you don't know any of them well enough to ask them to come with you. But that's fine. You're used to having fun on your own.
"I like this memory." Zooble nudges Gangle. "You look cute."
Gangle blushes and covers her eyes.
"I can't believe I actually wore the shirt cropped like that," she mumbles. "I know I had an undershirt I was going to wear with it."
"Maybe you were feeling brave," Zooble offers. That makes Gangle smile. She drops her ribbons and looks around a bit.
"I'm kind of surprised how accurate this place looks," she admits. "Do you think Caine made the entire convention hall, or just this part of it?"
"I don't know," Zooble says. "The map has to end somewhere, doesn't it? Want to explore a bit before we start everything up again?"
Gangle looks at Human Gangle, frozen in time fiddling with her bag. There's a girl wearing bunny ears running up to her. Gangle recognizes the character as Meroko from the same anime. It's a bit funny to see a rabbit and not feel her heart immediately start to race. Maybe it's because her ears are pink instead of purple.
It still feels strange how happy the girl is to see Gangle, though.
"Yeah," Gangle says. "I think it'd be nice to take a break."
Zooble motions for Gangle to lead the way. The two start walking.
"I remember I bought a really cool poster here," Gangle says. "I actually blew pretty much an entire month's paycheck on the artists' alley here. I kind of regretted it afterwards, when I remembered I had an apartment and bills to pay, but…"
Gangle waves one of her ribbons.
"It was nice having the reminder that I'd gone here," she says. "I had so much fun seeing everyone's cosplays. And everyone I talked to was so happy to be here. It's just… there's something special about getting a chance to be surrounded by people who love something as much as you do, you know? I wish I could go back here someday."
Everyone they walk by is frozen in place. It's strange to see walk past so many human bodies, even if Caine hasn't been able to render them exactly how a human should look. Most of them don't have faces, just the suggestion of one. It almost makes it feel like walking around in a dream.
The cosplays don't look exactly how she remembers, either. She wonders if Caine has some anti-theft software that prevents him from infringing copyrights. Her Mitsuki cosplay looks pretty accurate, and so does Meroko, but maybe that's because the anime isn't popular enough to register in Caine's system? Or maybe they're just more detailed because they're more important to the memory. Gangle can't really fault Caine for not spending more time getting One Piece characters right. Gangle's memories probably aren't the most accurate source for what those characters look like, either.
"I've never gone to an anime convention before," Zooble admits. "I've gone to a lot of smaller events with artist tables and stuff like that, but… I guess I've never been the kind of person who obsesses over someone else's work? Uh, no offense."
"You're not really a fandom person," Gangle says. It's one of the things she likes about Zooble. She'd always assumed that liking anime was sort of a prerequisite for someone understanding her. That there was no point in talking to someone who was more normie, because they'd just be too different to be friends. Turns out, all she needed was someone willing to reach out. Like Zooble. "That's okay. Not everyone is."
"I still think it's cool, though." Zooble points to a girl in a Madoka cosplay. "Like that. You can tell they made that themself. And just—making a pattern, finding the right fabric, doing all that sewing, all so people can see you in an outfit for just one day? That's dedication. It's why I've always been such a big fan of drag."
Gangle can't help but giggle at that. Yes, being Madoka Magica is exactly the same as drag. There's no difference, actually.
"The character I dressed up as—Mitsuki," Gangle begins. "She's given the power to transform so she can fulfill her dream. This was around the time I was starting to wonder if I should give up on making a webcomic. It kind of felt like if I didn't do something now, I'd never get it done, and I thought maybe being Mitsuki would give me a bit more power to follow through on that."
Gangle had always felt so tired after work. Everything she did off the clock was to recover from the drain that being at work felt. It's funny how well she remembers that, and remembers her decision to go to the con, but even now that they're in this memory, the day itself is still a blur to her. Gangle hadn't spent too much time thinking about it before, but she's sure she had just assumed the event hadn't lived up to how she'd imagined it—not that Caine had wiped the day from her mind because it mattered too much to her.
She thinks of Jax, in a dark room, yelling, "You screwed with my head!"
It's not that she thought her life before the circus was absolute misery. She remembers having a therapist who could help her through mood swings, and medication that sometimes helped, even if it felt they had never done enough. Maybe she couldn't wear what she liked at work, but she had the freedom to actually wear clothes every day, and not just when Caine thought it seemed right—even if it's easier now that she can conjure, it's not the same. And, before, she never had a rabbit who seemed hellbent on making her just as miserable as he was.
But, Gangle had never been a happy child. And she hadn't grown into a happy adult. To take one of her few good memories… To let her relive it like this, knowing she'll never experience anything like it again…
At least she knows Caine's not doing this on purpose.
"I wish I could come back here with you," Gangle says. "I wish…"
Gangle trails off. What else is there to say? Any conversation she starts will inevitably lead to the same point. I wish I was alive again. I wish I didn't have to come here to find you.
Maybe she shouldn't complain. The only reason she'd found the headset that led her into the circus was because she'd been looking for somewhere quiet so she'd stop feeling like killing herself. At least digital purgatory is still a step above death.
She wonders if her human self ever made it back home that night.
"I wish you'd gotten a chance to make your comic." Zooble gestures to the cosplayers around them. "I would have really loved seeing people dress up as your characters."
Gangle feels her heart soar at the compliment.
"I don't think I would have been that popular," she says.
Gangle stops walking. They're in a cafeteria now, which Gangle is pretty sure isn't true to the layout of the original space, but what's more surprising is seeing Human Gangle eating lunch with the Meroko cosplayer that had been running up to her before.
"Oh," Gangle says, pointing towards them. "I guess we accidentally skipped ahead."
"Huh," Zooble says. "Guess we did. Looks like you make a friend."
"I forgot we spent the day together," Gangle says. "She's, um, dressed up as a character from the same anime. I was surprised because I thought it was too niche for anyone to recognize, or at least too old for anyone else to have dressed up like me, but—I guess there's someone out there for everyone."
Gangle realizes she's looking at Zooble again and blushes.
"Her name was Jackie," Gangle remembers. "She gave me her number. We were planning on meeting up here next year, too, but—"
But that had been the last year Gangle had been a human being. She lets out a loud sob, surprising Zooble.
"Sorry," Gangle says. She wipes away a tear. "I just—I hope she doesn't think I killed myself."
She's glad Zooble doesn't flinch at her saying it so plainly.
"I guess that's the good thing about us not being the originals," Gangle adds. "Maybe in her life, nothing went wrong. Maybe I told her about this abandoned building I went to and she told me it sounded like a good place to set some kind of physiological thriller anime. Maybe we made the dresses from Princess Jellyfish together."
That had been another anime that had meant a lot to her.
Every girl is born a princess. But sometimes, some of them forget.
Maybe, if the princess Gangle had been born as had been the one from the princess and the pea story. So sensitive that she couldn't even get a night of sleep when even the smallest thing bothered her.
"I'm sure she saw you again," Zooble says gently. They lean their weight on Gangle in a comforting, almost-hug. Gangle smiles. At least she still feels like a princess with Zooble. "I bet you guys became really good friends."
Gangle hopes they're right.
"I'm still glad I met her," Gangle says. She wipes another tear from her eyes, mostly just out of habit. "It's nice to know that even if you're doing something super self-indulgent, there's still going to be someone else excited to see you, too."
To Gangle's surprise, that comment brings another round of confetti and the memory starts back up again, with Jackie already making plans for next year's con.
"… You should dress up as Takuto!" Jackie says. That was Meroko's shinigami partner. "I bet you'd look cute with a pair of cat ears."
"I think it's more of a cat helmet," Gangle says, patting her head. Jackie laughs.
"True," she agrees. "Oh, wait!"
Meroko and Takuto both had plushie forms they took to observe Mitsuki. Jackie had them attacked to her backpack as keychains. She hands Gangle Takuto's cat form.
"Are you sure?" Gangle asks. "This looks homemade. It must have taken a while…"
"Think of it as inspiration for your next outfit," Jackie says. "Maybe we could do Mew Ichigo and Berry after that?"
"Does that mean that's our theme?" Gangle laughs. "… I do like Ichigo, though."
"Knew it." Jackie grins, then looks down at her phone. She'd meant to put Gangle's number down, but had gotten distracted. "… What's your actual name? I just realized I was about to put you down as Full Moon."
Gangle laughs.
"I'm Zoe," she says. "Nice to meet you."
The posters behind Zoe and Jackie, the ones that had previously listed out menu items now only displayed a single sentence:
Congratulations, Zoe Kaur!
"Zoe," Zooble says. "It suites you."
"Thanks." Gangle smiles. "I like it, too."