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Rocky has discovered mythological creatures on the laptop and has been refusing to give Ryland a moment of peace.
“Half-human, half-fish. This is real Earth creature, question?”
“No, not unless you’re a quack who believes in the ‘Aquatic Ape theory,’” Ryland mutters under his breath. And since he knows Rocky won’t know what that means, he clarifies: “Mermaids aren’t real.”
“Disappointing.”
Ryland stretches his arms above his head. They’ve been sitting around the coffee table in his living room all day doing a jigsaw puzzle. Well, Ryland is doing the puzzle. Rocky already figured the whole thing out after looking at it for less than ten minutes. “You are not alone in that feeling. Lots of people want mermaids to be real.”
“Grace also disappointed, question?”
“A little. I was more bummed out when I was a kid.” Back when he saw The Little Mermaid for the first time and later learned he could never marry Ariel’s oldest sister - the orange one, Attina - and become king of the ocean. He had already come up with a series of diplomatic trade agreements between merpeople and humans, which took him weeks to write. It was devastating when his dad sat him down and told him the truth. Definitely one of the top five worst days of his life.
“Most of Earth is water. Humans can float in water, but not breathe under it. Humans should evolve to live in water. Have more space and can learn more science about life in deep sea. Inefficient evolution. Could use some work.”
“You’re starting to sound like conspiracy theorists,” Ryland says with a chuckle.
“No understand word.”
“They're people who believe in wild theories out of a sense of paranoia that the government is lying to them, or covering up vital information.” Ryland waves his hand to emphasize the nonsensical nature of it all. “They believe in things that are unscientific more often than not.”
Rocky taps his foot. “Did Grace not say that human government is bad, bad, bad, question? Is paranoia unfounded, question?”
Ryland blinks. “Well, yeah, governments are corrupt, but they aren't believing scientists either. It's complicated.”
“What other theories paranoid humans believe, question?”
Ryland isn't a huge fan of Rocky's tone right now - his inflections imply a challenge to Ryland's teachings that he hasn't heard since… well… since his students… Okay, fine. He'll play along.
“First of all, they believe that the government orchestrated mass atrocities for political gain. As in…” How does he explain the complexities of something like 9/11 to an alien? “They think the government did bad things on purpose and then blamed other people for it, all so they would have an excuse to start a war no one wanted.”
Rocky doesn't have a face, but Ryland can sense his judgement all the same. “Is unreasonable conclusion, question? Grace say government corrupt. Grace say humans kill other humans for bad reasons. Why trust government if bad, question?”
Yeah, there's a lot of sass being thrown his way right now.
“They also believe the government is made up of lizard people.”
“Lizard humans… like fish humans, question?”
“No, no, don’t compare lizard people to mermaids.”
“Confusing. Sound similar.”
Ryland crosses his arms. “They are not similar.”
“Defensive. Interesting. How long since last sleep, question?”
Yeah, no, he’s not going to dignify that with a response. “Okay, but don't forget that they believe the Earth is flat!”
Rocky learned about the flat Earth “theory” a few months back and it took… quite a lot of digesting before he allowed them to talk about anything else. He had a lot of opinions on the matter, but none of them are appropriate for polite company. Needless to say, it was a dark day for Rocky’s laptop adventures.
“Grace believe small fabric Earth ball is lava, statement. Equally as stupid.”
“That's not-! I know it’s not actually lava. You know that, right? It’s important to me that you know that.” Ryland is making a lot of hand gestures that Rocky is, quite frankly, ignoring. “Besides, they also believe that everything weird going on in the sky is alien spaceships and invasions. Explain… that…”
Okay, yeah, fine. The irony of Ryland arguing that point while living on an alien planet after meeting an alien species floating around near Tau Ceti’s Petrova line in an unidentified flying object is not lost on him…
Damn it.
“Smart point, sarcasm.” Rocky taps his foot again. “What type of alien humans think is invading Earth, question?”
Ryland pinches the bridge of his nose. He can feel a headache coming on. “They think they're like… tall creatures with big heads, thin bodies, and long fingers. Sometimes they're green, but they are always creepy looking. They have extra senses and weird anatomy and-”
Rocky erupts in squeals of laughter.
“What?”
More laughter. And something tells Ryland that he's laughing at him, not with him.
“What’s so funny?!”
“Sound like Grace on Erid. Is funny joke! Grace tall and big and long and have confusing anatomy and extra senses. Rocky will start telling Eridians that Grace is alien invasion.”
Rocky lies down on the floor and rolls on his side to laugh some more, leaving Ryland feeling incredibly stupid. Damn it, why didn't he make that connection?!
“Grace prove paranoid humans right on accident! Cannot wait to tell Adrian!” He kicks his legs around in glee. “Perhaps water not needed for evolution, too. Funny, funny, funny!”
Oof, right where it hurts. “Yeah, yeah, laugh it up, bud,” Ryland says, feeling like he just lost an intellectual battle with an aluminum-headed wack job. “And maybe the Earth really is flat.”
Rocky sits up suddenly. “No, still stupid. Grumpy, defensive, stupid. How long since last sleep, question? Must be long, long time. You sleep. I watch.”