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“Hey, Haru… h-how did you know you’re, y’know, trans?” You asked, immediately regretting it.
Part of you wanted to bolt out of the room and pretend this never happened, but you stood your ground. After all, with only you and Haru home alone, this was the perfect time to talk to her. To the only other person you knew who might understand how you felt.
She seemed startled by the question (or perhaps just by you fucking appearing out of nowhere), but smiled sweetly and tilted her head slightly. “Oh, hello, there, Ryuji-kun.”
(That honorific was always used endearingly, something not really needed after dating for eight years, and used to make you smile. Now, it didn’t feel right. It wasn’t unheard of for women to be called ‘-kun’, but it was overwhelmingly used for boys. And that was why you were here.)
You couldn’t look at her, scuffing your socked foot against the ground. “You… you don’t have’ta answer if you—”
“No, no, it’s fine,” she said. “Why don’t you sit down?”
Still looking anywhere other than at your beautiful girlfriend, you took a seat next to her on the couch. Inside the pocket of your hoodie, your hands clenched tight fists in the fabric.
“I was very young. Five, perhaps? And I just, well… being a boy didn’t feel right for me. It’s rather hard to explain. I suppose I… I felt like I had the wrong name and I’d been born wrong, and I was very miserable at that time.”
Her breathing hitched the tiniest amount, and you blurted out, “Really, you don’t—”
“I promise I’m fine, Ryuji-kun,” Haru said. She reached across the couch and patted your arm. “I talked to my parents and… well, they were confused at first. But I think they realised it was better to have a happy transgender daughter than a miserable ‘son’,” she said, making quote marks with her fingers. “So, I began to live as a girl. And I finally felt… right for the first time in my life. Why do you ask?”
Your stomach churned. It would be so easy to just tell her what had been bothering you for weeks. But something held you back. Maybe… she wouldn’t believe you. Haru was so pretty, the perfect image of a young lady. Would she believe someone who looked like you could be… like her?
Forcing a smile, you said, “Oh, no reason. Just curious.”
From Haru’s expression, you could tell that she didn’t believe you. But she didn’t push you, and that meant more than you could explain.
---
“I… I’m not a guy,” you said three days later, stepping into Haru’s greenhouse and not even saying hello first. Fucking rude, but you worried that if you didn’t say it right now, the words would never come out.
This time, Haru didn’t jump. Almost as if she’d expected you to appear. She set down the plant pot that she was carefully filling with soil and wiped her hands on her apron, turning to face you. Again, you stared straight at the floor. Your cheeks burned, your heart racing, standing so tense that your muscles ached.
“I dunno wh-what I am—I don’t think I’m, like, fully a woman like you—but, but I sure ain’t a guy. And I dunno what the fuck else to say or do, but I felt like I was gonna fucking explode if I didn’t tell someone and who better than you, y’know and—”
“Hey, remember to breathe, okay?” Haru said gently, and dirt-speckled yet soft hands reached out to take your tightly clenched fists, rubbing thumbs against your trembling knuckles.
You realised how breathless you felt, and inhaled slowly, cutting off your slightly hysterical rambling. And you refused to pay attention to the way your eyes burned. Fuck, this was so embarrassing.
“It’s okay, Ryuji-k—” Haru stopped mid-word, frowning slightly. “Is there a different way you’d like to be addressed, my love?”
The switch to a pet name usually whispered between passionate kisses made your stomach flip, the humiliating blush spreading to your ears. But you shook that off, instead thinking hard about her question. “Ryuji’s fine. A-At least, for now, y’know. Maybe not ‘-kun’ though. I-If you wanna use somethin’, maybe… ‘-chan’?” You don’t know why it came out as a question. Perhaps just because everything felt so uncertain right now.
“Ryu-chan?” Haru offered, her smile a little playful.
Your sinuses burned, bottom lip trying to tremble. Not only had she honoured your request, but Haru had just given you a nickname like she used for Makoto.
A slightly wobbly chuckle burst out of you. You let your fists unclench, and Haru effortlessly threaded your fingers together. “I-I like that.” You swallowed back the lump in your throat. “So… so you’re really fine with this?”
“Of course I am,” Haru said, squeezing your hands. “Why wouldn’t I be?”
“I dunno. Cos I… I look like a dude right now? A-And I’m not really interested in dressing girly e-even if I’m closer to girl than boy.”
“How you look doesn’t mean anything, Ryuji-chan. And you’re allowed to dress masculine even if you feel more like a girl. It’s called being butch.”
“Like a lesbian?” you blurted out like an idiot. As Haru tried to explain to you stuff about gender and sexuality, it occurred to you that if you were more of a girl, then your feelings for Haru were gay now. So many things were flipping on their heads right now.
“…but the point is, you don’t have to conform to whatever gender you are. You can be Ryu-chan and still wear those clothes and have short hair. Or you can wear a skirt and makeup. Or a mix of both. You can do whatever you want. And whatever you look like, you will be my pretty partner.”
Being called pretty made your cheeks burn again. To distract yourself from an overwhelming urge to cry, you reached forwards and kissed her. Haru gasped into your mouth, but she let go of your hands to wrap her arms around you. Hands slid up and down your back, and you settled your own on her hips as you pulled her closer to you, aware her apron was dirty but not giving a shit.
“O-Oh, Ryu-chan…” she said when your kissed her neck.
All your anxiety had vanished, replaced with such raw contentment and love and joy, knowing you didn’t have to hide yourself anymore and Haru understood and still loved you.
And between deep, loving kisses, you whispered, “Thank you, Haru.”
---
You’d talked this through with Haru, done some research on the internet, searching for labels that might suit whatever you had going on. The words ‘transfeminine’ and ‘nonbinary’ still felt a little strange on your tongue, but miles better than ‘man’. You’d been playing around with pronouns too, although you couldn’t really imagine ever speaking like Haru. But she’d explained that there was nothing wrong with having a more masculine way of speaking either.
You were dressed like you always did, but under your hoodie, you were wearing one of Haru’s old bras. You’d had plans to pad the cups like Haru used to do before her surgery, because the thought of having a visible chest felt thrilling and right in a way you didn’t quite understand, but that felt like too much too fast. So, just the bra for now, and only you two knew it was there. Just a reminder to yourself that you could wear whatever you wanted. You stomach fluttered at the thought, but not in a sexy way. It was pure excitement that you were finally exploring thoughts that had plagued you for weeks.
(And it also brought up new thoughts about how maybe you’d like to take hormones like Haru one day too, so you could grow boobs. Your heart raced at the thought.)
And now, Haru had gathered the others in the living room, and you stood next to her, bouncing on the balls of your feet and not sure what to do with your arms. You knew what to say, but it still felt daunting.
Clearing your throat, you glanced at Haru, who gave you a reassuring smile. And you said, “I, uh, I’ve got somethin’ to tell you guys.”
Yusuke gasped. “Are you two getting married?”
As you snorted, Futaba playfully slapped his arm and said, “Where the hell did that idea come from, Inari?”
“No, we’re not getting married, Yusuke-kun,” Haru said gently, giggling.
“So what’s up?” Morgana asked from where he sat on Akira’s shoulder. “Everything okay?”
“Yeah, I’m fine,” you said. “I’m just… I’ve learned some shit about myself and I wanna tell you. I… I’m not a guy. I’m trans. Or, or nonbinary. Or somethin’. Just… not a man.”
Well, that came out nothing like you rehearsed.
“Ryuji-chan has requested we don’t call them ‘-kun’ or ‘he’ anymore,” Haru said, effortlessly using the new pronouns the pair had tried out, and your chest felt warm.
“B-But ‘she’ and ‘they’ and ‘-chan’ are all cool,” you said, eyes on the floor. “I also like ‘girlfriend’.”
And ‘pretty’, you added in your head.
And before you could think of anything else to say, Futaba yelled, “Whaddup, Ryuji-chan!” and barrelled across the room to tackle you into a hug.
And then everyone was around you, smiling, kissing you, congratulating you on coming out, and Makoto told you how proud she was of you, and you blinked hard to stop your eyes filling with tears.
And… yeah, you were proud of yourself too.