Work Text:
September 9 4:12p
Hayden: Jackie
Hayden: Jackie
Hayden: Babe
Hayden: I know youre napping but this is important
Jackie: What is it?
Hayden: New lily lore drop
Hayden: A total bombshell
Jackie: !!
Jackie: I need a drink for this
Jackie: Okay I’m ready
Jackie: Lay it on me
Hayden: Well when we were on the way to get the kids
Hayden: I asked him what lily does for a living
Hayden: And you know how he gets when we ask about her
Jackie: All secretive and fidgetty, yeah I know
Hayden: Exactly
Hayden: He was acting like that, but he told me that she doesn’t work!
Jackie: Oh, is she between jobs?
Jackie: Or in school maybe?
Jackie: That might make her a bit younger than him, which could be why he’s so weird about her.
Jackie: He’s been seeing her for a few years, right? Maybe she’s in a long college program like a doctorate or something
Hayden: I asked about being between jobs and he told me she doesn’t work because “she doesnt want to”
Jackie: She’s rich?
Jackie: Not that he needs the money but good for him I guess
Jackie: Maybe she’s famous then, and that’s why he’s so secretive
Jackie: But probably not because he was public with Rose with no problem
Jackie: Unless she’s like a politician or something…
Jackie: Probably lots of NDAs and stuff
Jackie: Maybe Obama’s daughter. One of them is a few years younger than us right? Could be
Jackie: Babe?
Jackie: Don’t leave me hanging or I’m going to throttle you when you get home
Jackie: Please I’m on the edge of my seat
5:02p
Hayden: Ruby headbutted Shane in the chin hard enough that she drew blood
Hayden: But Im back now
Jackie: Jesus
Jackie: Truly amazing that he continues to volunteer to help you with the kids when this is what happens
Hayden: Hes a sturdy guy he can take it
Jackie: I can’t keep sending him fruit baskets everytime one of our children injures him
Jackie: The basket people are getting tired of taking my calls
Hayden: He’s fine
Hayden: But back to the matter at hand
Jackie: Thank god
Jackie: I was going to call you and get answers one way or another
Hayden: so he told me that she doesn’t work because she doesn’t want to so I obviously assumed that she’s rich
Hayden: but she’s NOT
Jackie: Okay so she doesn’t work but she’s not rich? Is she actually a student then?
Hayden: NO
Hayden: SHES HIS SUGAR BABY
Hayden: HE PAYS FOR EVERYTHING
Jackie: What?!
Jackie: Oh my god
Jackie: That makes so much sense
Hayden: HOW
Jackie: That’s why he’s so quiet about her, because people would be weird about it
Jackie: And like… it’s very obvious that he has feelings for her by the way he looks at his phone when he’s texting her
Jackie: Clearly he has feelings for her or else probably it wouldn’t have gone on so long
Hayden: Yes he definitely is into her for more than sex we already agreed on that
Jackie: But I wonder how deep she is into it?
Hayden: What do you mean
Jackie: Like maybe she doesn’t have feelings for him, and just enjoys getting paid for sex and talking to him
Jackie: Clearly they’re compatible in some way if Shane is always smiling at his phone when they talk, but maybe to her they’re more like friends who also have this sex/money thing going
Jackie: Poor Shaneberry…
Hayden: Okay maybe youre reading too much into it
Hayden: We dont know Lily
Hayden: But shes gotta be into shane
Hayden: Hes a total catch
Hayden: Hes so talented and hes so nice. and funny when he’s not being shy
Hayden: And hot obviously
Jackie: Yeah…
Jackie: Obviously…
Hayden: Don’t, Jack
Hayden: I cant have this conversation again
Jackie: I told you I think it’s cute! Having a crush on your best friend is totally normal and not gay at all!
Hayden: You think hes hot too!
Jackie: Yeah but it’s funnier when you say it 💕
Jackie: How are the the kids?
Hayden: All climbing on shane
Hayden: I swear hes their favorite toy
Jackie: This is why we pay him the big bucks
Hayden: We dont pay him anything.
Hayden: Except like. salad.
Jackie: See if you can get any more info on lily 👀
Hayden: I don’t want to come on too strong he’ll freak out
Hayden: You gotta be smooth with these things babe
Jackie: What would you know about smooth?
Hayden: Im smooth!
Hayden: Im so smooth!
Jackie: You have the tact of an ambulance siren Hayden.
Hayden: Ouch
Hayden: Shanes getting trampled. Im gonna go relieve him of his duties
Hayden: Be home in an hour or so
Hayden: Probably in time to see you before you head to Rebeccas house
Hayden: Love you
Jackie: Love you too. Drive safe.
10:43p
Hayden: Don’t think I forgot the conversation we were having.
Hayden: I need to know more
Hayden: Now that I know that Lily’s your sugar baby
Hayden: Don’t hold out on me man
Hayden: I can see you reading these
Hayden: Tell me everything
Shane: She’s blonde.
Shane: And she has an accent.
Shane: …And she has a nice ass.
Hayden: Holy shit man
Hayden: I’ve never seen you say something like that
Hayden: She’s really done a number on you, huh?
Shane: Yeah. ♥️
10:51p
Hayden: [screenshot attached]
Hayden: HURRY UP AND COME HOME SO WE CAN DISCUSS
Jackie: Oh my god
Jackie: This is huge
Jackie: Our Shaneberry has found love!!
Jackie: And we still haven’t even met her!
Hayden: This is the most information weve ever gotten
Hayden: What else do we know
Hayden: Lives in boston, sometimes visits montreal
Hayden: Doesnt work
Hayden: Blonde
Hayden: Is that shane’s type you think?
Hayden: Rose was kinda blonde too
Jackie: Oh my god maybe that’s why he didn’t mesh with any of the girls we set him up with
Jackie: We were looking in the wrong place
Jackie: Of course. Why didn’t I realize?
Hayden: And he said she has an accent
Hayden: So she might not be from the US
Jackie: Blonde and not from the US… European probably?
Hayden: Gotta be
Hayden: Maybe shes french
Hayden: Shane speaks french
Jackie: Because we live in Canada, babe. That doesn’t necessarily mean he’s seeking out French girls.
Hayden: Im just throwing out ideas!
Hayden: I wonder how they met
Hayden: Blonde european from boston… Shane hardly ever goes out when we’re on the road, where the hell could they have met?
Jackie: Do you remember any girls talking to him in Boston on any of your trips?
Hayden: Hes Shane fucking Hollander
Hayden: Girls talk to him everywhere all the time
Jackie: He started texting her like four years ago, right?
Jackie: Try to remember blondes.
Hayden: If it was at a club, I was probably drunk
Hayden: No shot of me remembering
Hayden: But Ive also never seen shane pick up at a club
Jackie: Yeah, doesn’t seem like him.
Jackie: They must have met somewhere else.
Hayden: He hardly goes out when we’re on roadies
Jackie: He’s always trying new yoga studios, did he ever go to one in Boston that you can remember?
Hayden: I dont remember any, but i think that’s probably the right track
Hayden: Shes gotta be athletic
Hayden: I cant see shane going for anyone who wasn’t healthy or at least in shape
Jackie: Good point.
Hayden: Thanks babe
Hayden: I try
Jackie: So she’s blonde, probably European, has an accent, from Boston, probably athletic…
Jackie: I got nothing.
Jackie: She probably likes expensive things, I guess? If Shane is paying for things?
Jackie: Did he say what he buys her?
Hayden: No 😐
Jackie: Damn. Ask him next time.
Hayden: I have to pace my questions or he’ll figure us out.
Hayden: Operation lily has to be a secret
Jackie: Of course 🙄
Hayden: Make some kind of excuse to leave and come home
Hayden: Im clearing off the girls chore board so we can plot
Hayden: Busted out the new dry erase pack and everything
Jackie: Calling the Uber now.
Jackie: Don’t start without me!