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"Well, well, well! Looks like we have a new member! It's been a while!"
She barely had a chance to process what had happened to her or where she was. She looked at her hands, then brought them up to her face, touching until she found the two long ears on top of her head. She didn't have time to panic, because Caine was already hovering over her with bright colors dancing around him.
"Allow me to introduce myself! I am Caine, AI and ringmaster of the Amazing Digital Circus. And you have had the good fortune of becoming one of its members! Now allow me to do a little lore drop..."
Caine snapped his fingers and a screen appeared beside him. With a remote that had appeared at the same time, he began the presentation. The C&A logo appeared on the screen.
"Let me tell you about C&A, the software company that developed this world. They wanted to make a creative AI, but not only that—they also developed scanners that...!"
"What the fuck are you talking about?!" exclaimed the newcomer. She managed to bring Caine to a screeching halt and, at last, she was able to look around. "What the fuck..."
She turned on her heels as she took in the entire circus. All its garish shapes and colors, its labyrinthine staircases, the tent occupying the center of the room. And a mirror, too, right behind her. She approached it to see her reflection.
There she found the image of a cartoon rabbit, yellow in color and dressed in a striped shirt. She brought her hands to her head again, searching for a headset that wasn't there. She found only a little bow on her ear.
"All right... A virtual reality cartoon world. Very funny. Now I'm taking this thing off."
"That's the funny part—you can't!" exclaimed Caine. The girl didn't have the chance to process those words, because a gasp behind her told her someone else had arrived.
She turned around to find a rag doll staring at her with wide eyes and hands over her lips.
"Oh my God..."
***
Ragatha tried to stay calm and take control of the situation. It was what she always did. She took the newcomer's hand and led her aside before another member of the circus could see her.
"Okay, okay," she repeated to herself. She lifted her head and looked at the bunny—at Jax? Aside from the color, she was identical. The face painted on the mural of the abstracted reminded Ragatha of that. But she couldn't keep looking, because she was being asked for answers. Jax pulled her hand free from Ragatha's grasp and placed it on her hip.
"Well? Are you going to tell me what I'm doing here or what?"
Ragatha straightened up and forced a smile.
"Of course! Just tell me if... if you remember the last thing you did."
Jax narrowed her eyes as she thought.
"Well, I went with some friends to this abandoned building, found a headset sitting on a desk, and put it on as a joke... Then..." She spread her hands in an exploding gesture. "Poof. Here I am."
"Good. Everything... everything is going to be okay, alright? Tell me, do you remember your name...?"
Uncertainty trembled in her eyes, and the mocking smile faltered. Ragatha already knew she wasn't going to get an answer, but she let the girl think while she considered what to do.
But they couldn't hide forever. Behind them sounded a gasp, and when the bunny turned around, a trembling, emotional voice spoke.
"Jax...?" said Pomni, in a tone that threatened to become a sob.
Jax stood up and walked toward her. Ragatha tried to hold her back, but she brushed her hand aside. She approached Pomni and bent down to get a closer look at her. Pomni reached out toward her face, not daring to touch her.
Just as Pomni was about to say something, Jax interrupted her.
"What do we have here? A cartoon clown?" she snorted with a laugh. "Why are you making that face? You look like you've seen a ghost!"
Pomni couldn't answer. She was trembling like a leaf, which hadn’t happened since Caine had returned and they had learned to live in peace in the circus.
As this happened, other members gathered around them. They all approached cautiously, watching the scene unfold. Ragatha moved toward Pomni, wanting to ask if she was all right. At the same time, Zooble, Gangle, and Kinger had come over, drawn by the voices.
"What's going on here?" said Zooble, breaking the silence when no one else would dare. Hearing her partner's voice, Gangle reacted as well.
"It looks like... we have a new member of the circus! We should... should give her the talk we've prepared, right?"
Zooble stepped forward and grabbed Pomni by the arm.
"Rags, why don't you... take care of giving her the talk and all that? Like we planned."
"Yes... Yes, I'll do that!" she replied quickly. "Come with me!"
As soon as they had managed to get rid of the new member, Pomni, Zooble, Gangle, and Kinger withdrew to the first one's room, where they tried to keep calm and speak without being overheard.
"Okay. What the fuck was that?" muttered Zooble.
"New members could arrive, we know that," said Kinger with one hand on his chin. "Though I'd never seen... an avatar get repeated."
"Could it be him? Could it be... Jax?" asked Gangle, trembling and squeezing Zooble's hand. "She looks so much like him, but... she's different at the same time."
No one could answer the question, so silence was the only response. No one dared say anything until Pomni, for the first time during that meeting, opened her mouth.
"Maybe? She really is just like him. What if...?" She stopped to think for a few seconds and looked at Kinger. "Our human bodies are still out there, maybe..."
"Maybe he put the headset on again and his brain was scanned a second time," Kinger finished when Pomni couldn't bring herself to say it out loud. "I hadn't thought of it until now, but... the evidence seems to point to that possibility."
"We can check, right? Like you did last time," said Zooble. When Kinger nodded, they took care of requesting the help they needed. "Caine! We need a computer here right now!"
The AI appeared before them in an instant.
"Here you go! Remember not to kill anyone this time, eh, Kinger? I'm off—Ragatha and I are busy giving our new member a tour of the wonders of the Digital Circus!"
With those words, Caine disappeared once more. Kinger leaned over and began exploring the computer.
An unbearable silence hung between the other three circus members while Kinger searched. They wondered what was happening, how Jax was doing with Ragatha and Caine, what answers they would find in the files. It felt like an eternity before Kinger motioned for them to come closer.
"I've got it here," he said as he showed them the folder. "The most recent brain scan. And the name... Daisy Mateo."
"It's the same surname," Pomni said quietly.
"Maybe she's a relative?" murmured Gangle. "And that's why they look alike?"
"Or... or maybe they're the same person," whispered Pomni. She didn't know what to say, didn't know how much to reveal. "It's been years since he joined the circus, maybe... Maybe something in his life changed, and the scan reflected those changes..."
"Are you telling me Jax transitioned in the real world?" Zooble interrupted when Pomni no longer knew how to continue.
"Oh," murmured Gangle. Pomni stepped back and stood up.
"Maybe? When he abstracted, I... saw some things. I shouldn't have seen them, and God, I shouldn't be telling you this. But..."
Zooble looked at her with trembling eyes, but said nothing.
"So, is it Jax? Has he returned to the circus?" asked Gangle.
"More like the circus has two scans of... her," Kinger explained. "The most recent one and... the old, corrupted one. Jax's abstracted version is still here. I've checked."
"So now we have two Jaxes in the circus. Great." Zooble sighed. "What will she do when she runs into her abstracted form?"
Pomni took a step toward the door.
"I won't let her find out on her own. I'm going to... talk to her. See what I can do."
***
When Pomni returned to the common room, she found Jax in the center of it, dazed and with spirals in her eyes. She went to offer her an arm so she wouldn't fall over.
"Look who's back," Jax said, looking her up and down once her gaze focused. "I hope you're not here to give me another tour."
"No. I just... wanted to talk to you." She didn't know how to begin, so she decided to start with introductions. "My name is Pomni."
"Nice to meet you," she said, not without a certain irony.
"Caine told me he was giving you a tour of the circus. Did they explain... everything to you?"
"Yeah, yeah. The brain scanners and all that. That I'm not trapped here and that I'm still out there somewhere... Is that supposed to make me feel better or something?"
"It's not something we say to comfort you. It's... reality, plain and simple. It's what we have to deal with now."
Jax's frown softened. Her eyes drifted over Pomni again until they settled on her face.
"All right, are you gonna tell me what's going on? Because you and that doll both look like you're about to burst into tears every time you look at me."
Pomni pressed her lips together. There was no easy way to approach the subject, but they would have to do it sooner or later.
"I know you have a lot to take in, and that this situation isn't easy for you. Believe me, I've been there. But... it isn't easy for us either." She lifted her head and looked Jax in the eyes. "Tell me, before all this, had you ever visited C&A's offices? Did you ever put on the same headset?"
Jax's pupils began darting about restlessly, full of hesitation.
"Why are you asking me that?"
"Because you were here years ago. This... this isn't the first time we've met, Jax."
The bunny’s breathing hitched, and she took a step back.
"Aha. Whatever you say," she muttered. Pomni grabbed her arm and forced her to listen.
"It's true! In 2015. When you were homeless and had just run away from your mother's house. Before you started working as a delivery driver."
Jax needed more time to regain her composure. Her breathing had quickened slightly, and her pupils had constricted.
"Whoa, whoa."
"So I know you!" Pomni insisted. "I know you don't remember me, but... we were friends."
It was too much to process. Pomni saw how unsettled Jax was and thought that maybe she had gone too far. So all she could do was fall silent and give her time to take it in.
She sat down on the floor and patted the space beside her. After a few seconds of hesitation, Jax came to sit beside her.
"Shit," was all that came out of her mouth.
"Yeah. Shit."
A few moments of silence followed. A small haven of peace amid all that chaos. It brought back memories for Pomni of distant times, of the first breath of relief she had had in the circus: during the adventure where they had gone stargazing, and Jax and she had lain side by side on the grass.
She looked at her friend again. So similar, yet at the same time so different from the Jax she had known.
"I like your bow," she said, and Jax brought a hand to her head, touching it shyly.
"Thanks."
"I like... seeing you like this. I think I prefer this avatar."
Jax gave her a small smile that quickly disappeared. In its place, she rolled her eyes.
"All right, what's wrong?" she said. "Because you still look like you're about to cry. And... why did you say we were friends?"
None of this was easy. Pomni sought out Jax's hand and squeezed it. And she, to Pomni's relief, didn't pull away.
"Did Ragatha and Caine tell you... what happens when someone loses hope in here? When they can't bear the digital world anymore and lose their mind?"
"They didn't tell me anything," Jax said through gritted teeth. "But it definitely doesn't sound pretty."
Pomni hesitated for a second. Then she stood up and offered Jax her hand to help her to her feet.
"Can I show you?"
Jax took her hand and used it to pull herself up. That was the "yes" Pomni needed.
***
"Holy shit."
The abstraction had been calm. In the darkness of the tent it usually didn't become agitated, and Pomni often visited it without fear. She would sit beside it, talk to it even though she wasn't sure it could hear her, or remain silent, keeping company with the amalgamation that had once been her friend.
However, the presence of the new Jax unsettled it. Perhaps because she was a stranger, or perhaps because it knew all too well who she was. Pomni had to approach the abstraction with her hands raised in a gesture of peace.
"Easy. It's okay."
"Yeah, I don't bite. Most of the time," said Jax, contemplating the abstracted version of herself. "So... that's me?"
"Now," Pomni replied once it seemed she had managed to keep the abstraction at bay. It had curled up in a corner of the tent. "Before, you were a bunny too, almost identical to the way you look now."
"I figured," Jax said, crossing her arms. "And what was I like mentally back then, to end up like that?"
Pomni didn't dare to answer. Jax looked at her with her head tilted and searched for another way to ask the question.
"Were we close, you and me? Because back then I wasn't really close to anyone."
Pomni let out a sorrowful sigh.
"We weren't as close as I would have liked. And... I think we were closer than you wanted us to be." She let out an ironic laugh. "There you have it. And... it all ended like this."
Pomni's voice grew quieter and quieter, and her gaze returned to the abstraction. For several seconds, she only looked at that darkness, that infinity of shining eyes in which she had often lost herself.
The only thing that brought her back to reality was Jax's hand waving in front of her face.
"I think I get it," she said. Pomni realized that Jax was watching her closely, with a trace of concern, and hugged herself.
"I'm sorry. Maybe if I had acted differently..." She shook her head, making the bells on her hat jingle. "I thought you needed some space, but I distanced myself too much and... I can't stop thinking that none of this would have happened if..."
Jax touched her shoulder and gave it a shake.
"Hey, hey. None of that playing the victim now. You're not going to convince me that that" she pointed at her abstracted form, which seemed to become agitated "was anyone's fault but mine. Trust me, I remember what I was like back then."
Pomni looked up at her with trembling eyes. Subtly, she wiped away a tear.
"I'm glad you don't feel that way anymore," she whispered. Jax gave her a half-smile.
"So am I. Now" she stretched and cracked her knuckles "let's take care of that."
"What are you going to—?!" Pomni exclaimed, but she didn't have a chance to stop her. One second, Jax was walking toward the abstraction. The next, the darkness had swallowed her whole.
***
There was no sign of Pomni or the rest of the Digital Circus. Jax found herself alone before a set of shining eyes staring fixedly at her and a force pushing against her like a ferocious wind.
"You've always been unbearable," Jax said through gritted teeth as she struggled to walk against the wind. "Seriously? Rather than accept yourself, you decide to do this?"
She pointed at the hundred eyes staring at her, and the wind seemed to grow stronger as an electronic roar echoed around her.
"Look, I'm a few years older than you. And in those years I have on you, I've learned a lot of things. Don't you want to hear them?"
Jax nearly stumbled and flailed her arms to keep her balance. She gasped for a few seconds as she recovered.
The atmosphere growled again. Jax had to hide her face behind her elbow to shield herself from the wind. She felt as though she were standing in a hurricane, and it was becoming harder and harder to keep her feet on the ground. And she also felt as though she were walking straight into the wolf's jaws.
But Jax had never been very good at knowing when to turn back.
"Let me tell you! Because I want you to know that most guys don't wear eyeliner 'ironically'; or go out at night to gay bars 'because regular clubs suck'." She nearly stumbled again and had to make an effort to stay upright. But she kept talking. "They don’t shorten their own name to make it sound more neutral, or check trans subreddits 'just to make fun of them,' or hide their face in every photo and wear nothing but baggy dark clothes..."
The resistance kept growing stronger, and the eyes shone with a blinding light. Jax had to cover her face, but she didn't stop speaking.
"And they don't lock themselves in their truck having a panic attack because a half-blind old woman they just delivered a package to called them 'a lovely young lady'!"
The wind finally knocked her to the ground. She cried out as the impact sent pain shooting through her back and gasped for a few seconds. Then, still lying on the floor, she dared to speak again.
"And you know what else?! They don't tell their mother they don't want to be a man, that every single day they wish they'd been born a girl."
That was too much. Everything was over—or at least, that's what Jax thought at first. The multicolored light of the eyes turned white and seemed to erase all the darkness surrounding them. There was no more wind, only a blinding radiance, as though it were the end of all things.
But little by little, it dimmed. Like every storm, it began to calm. When Jax opened her eyes, there was no trace of the abstraction that had trapped her. Instead, she found a strange landscape that seemed to stretch on forever. The only thing she could make out was a streetlamp casting a faint glow.
And beneath its light, there she was.
Jax—the old one, the one who had entered the circus first—was standing there. And the new Jax, the one from the present, walked toward her.
"You shouldn't be here."
The new Jax took another step forward.
"Why are you here? Did you come to rub your great life in my face?"
There was no answer. One kept moving forward while the other kept speaking through tears.
"You should forget about me. That's the best thing you can do. Why would you want to see me?"
Another step. The distance between them seemed infinite. But neither of the two Jaxes stopped.
"I am every demon you've fight. I'm you if everything had gone wrong." Her words broke into a sob. "I'm the worst version of you."
Until, at last, she reached her. The new Jax stopped when she found herself standing right behind the other.
"There are people who only ever knew this version of you. It's because of them that I'm here," she whispered. "And even so, they care about you, they miss you, they love you."
Those words seemed to accomplish the impossible. The old Jax turned around, tears in her eyes.
"And you?"
The new Jax let out a melancholic smile.
"Don't you get it? I'm still you. It's still us."
There were no words left. Only panicked breathing, only a trembling, frightened body that didn't know how to respond. So the new Jax gave her what she should, what she had always needed.
She hugged her. Pulled her into her arms and held her tightly so she would never lose her again.
"It hasn't been easy," Jax whispered, "but I love you."
The old Jax hugged her even tighter. She clung to her as though she were saving her from falling into the abyss. As though she could find within her everything she had lost.
She kept holding on to her when a blinding light enveloped them. When the world seemed to end once again and irresistible forces dragged them away. When everything vanished and all they had was each other, they kept holding on.
Until the light faded.
***
When she opened her eyes, it felt just like when she had materialized in the circus hours earlier. The same confusion, the same doubts. She looked at her hands, touched her face, moved upward until she felt her ears and the bow.
Then her eyes widened, and she looked around. She was in the same dark tent where she had been contained for so long. And beside her was the person who had stayed with her.
"Jax...?"
Pomni looked at her with shining eyes and tears streaming down her cheeks. Jax was sure she was looking at her the same way. She shook her head and wiped away her tears.
"You're unbelievable," Jax muttered. "You've managed to make everything even more complicated."
A sad laugh escaped Pomni.
"It's what I do. You know me, I'm too stubborn to give up."
Jax laughed too, and fresh tears fell from her eyes.
"I hate you."
Pomni moved even closer and hugged her. Jax, still sitting on the floor, could only bury her head in Pomni's shoulder and hold her even tighter.
"I love you too," Pomni whispered.
***
This time, no one had dared enter the tent. No one had the heart to interrupt what was happening inside. But they all remained nearby, nervously watching the entrance.
And they all saw the two figures emerge from within, hand in hand.
"Guess who's back from the dead!" Jax lifted her head and looked around at the digital world surrounding her. "Wow, you really renovated this place."
She couldn't say anything else. Suddenly, Ragatha had thrown herself at her and wrapped her in a hug. Jax stepped back and let go of Pomni's hand, startled.
"Whoa, whoa," she said as Ragatha sobbed against her chest. She patted her on the back. "I'm going to start thinking you all missed me or something."
A lot of things started happening at once. More sobbing from Gangle, a touch on the shoulder from Zooble, affectionate words from Kinger, a "Welcome Back" sign full of light and color created by Caine.
Pomni suggested they celebrate in the café, and that's where they ended up, each with a cup of hot chocolate.
"You know," Zooble commented, looking at Jax with their head tilted, "I always thought estrogen could’ve saved you. Or at least made you less unbearable."
"Of course. You know everything there is to know about gender-freaky stuff, right?"
"I have a question," said Ragatha. "Are you... are you still going by Jax? Or would you rather use another name?"
"Excellent thinking, Ragatha! It's been ages since I used my name generator!" exclaimed Caine, pulling a lever. The letters HJSAKLDFHL appeared before them.
"Yeah. I'm not calling myself that," said Jax.
"Well, maybe Gangle should suggest one," said Zooble. "Since you were the one who gave her that name."
A groan escaped Jax at the same time Gangle let out an excited squeal.
"Great idea! What could it be..." She brought one of her ribbons to her chin in thought. "How about 'Usagi'?"
"No way!" Jax exclaimed as Gangle laughed.
"There's also the name we saw in the files," said Kinger. "Daisy. Doesn't it sound lovely?"
"Ah, like that beautiful song."
"It is lovely, yes," said Pomni, nudging Jax with her elbow. "You knew how to play it on the piano, didn't you?"
"What?" Jax said, but she didn't have time to deny it. Pomni had already made a tiny piano appear in front of them. Jax sighed, a small smile on her face. "Well, if you insist..."
The notes of the piano, played with a touch of nervousness, filled the Digital Circus café, and everyone listened in silence and with tenderness to the girl playing them.