Chapter Text
It's 9 o'clock on a Saturday. The regular crowd shuffles in. At the Triangle Bar, you can come as you are, and life is no longer a sin.
A piano solo plays in the background, as the karaoke machine winds down.
"Alright, next up, we've got 'Who Knew' by P!nk. Andrea and Dave, step up to the mics!"
Riley hated karaoke night. Hours upon hours of gay people who sing the hits of whatever pop icon is "in."
But they didn't hate it because they sung badly. Quite the opposite. They were amazing at it.
And that only reminded Riley of how much they hated their own voice. How every time they spoke to someone they didn't know on the phone, they'd get back a "Hey, is this Mr. Verseilis?" or a "Am I speaking to Ms. Verseilis?" If they made their voice more masculine, people would think they were a man. If they made their voice more feminine, people would think they were a woman. And they had to keep up those delusions because they knew that if they just downright said, "I'm actually non-binary;" the amount of shit they'd get thrown at them would be enough to drive anyone crazy.
It's the danger of defying gender roles in a world built around them: no matter how many people support you, there will be some people who won't. And those who won't are the ones that will stick with you. So you can either let the world see you the wrong way or paint a giant target on your back.
But, they'd been wallowing in their misery for too long. They still had drinks to serve. And one of the bar's most frequent customers was just hopping in.
"Leeroy! Great to see you. Scotch on the rocks?"
"Like always." Leeroy always came to the bar Saturday nights. Riley could not, for the life of them, figure out why. He seemed to be a straight man, and, in their many conversations, hadn't said otherwise. But he was good company and he tipped well, so he was always welcome here.
If someone said three years from now
You'd be long gone
I'd stand up and punch them out
'Cause they're all wrong
I know better 'cause you said forever
And ever, who knew?
"You like this song, Leeroy?" Riley asked.
"I think it's fine." Leeroy answered.
"It's about losing someone you're close to and not realizing how blessed you were to have their company."
"Huh."
"Yeah. Really deep song, but I can't relate to it that much. I know I will someday, and maybe you can relate to it now, but until then, it's just a normal pop hit."
Leeroy sighed. "Can I be fully honest with you for a second?"
"Go ahead."
"When I came down here tonight, there was something I knew I would tell you. It's been on my mind for a while."
"Oh, God, do you want to go out with me?" Riley said, with an exasperated tone.
"What? Of course not." Leeroy said defensively.
"Phew," Riley sighed, before putting on a face of offense. "Wait, what do you mean 'of course not?' Why 'of course?'"
Leeroy panicked. "No, it's not like that. I mean, it's not that you're...undesirable, it's just that, uh, I, as an individual, don't want-'
"I'm joking. I know what you mean." Riley said, while shaking up a drink. "So, what's the big deal? Lay it on me."
"Promise me you won't think any differently of me for saying this?"
"Depends on what you say."
"Like, it's not bad, but it's something I didn't want to talk about."
"Then just say it. I'm not the judgmental type. Whatever it is, it'll be fine."
Leeroy took the deepest breath anyone ever took.
"Riley...I'm trans. I feel more comfortable as a woman. I'd prefer it if you called me Lee, and I use she/her pronouns."
"Okay...here's your drink."
Riley poured out Lee's drink.
"'Here's your drink?' That's all you're going to say to me?"
"What do you want me to do? Should I tell everyone? Should I throw a party? Should I invite Laverne Cox?"
"I don't know, I just thought you'd...react a bit more."
"You think I'd make a big deal out of this? May I remind you that: A, I am non-binary, and B, you are literally at a gay bar. This is like telling a rhinoceros that you eat meat."
"Really? You couldn't have come up with a better line than that?"
"I know. My jokes are usually better, but there are no good transfem one-liners. There's a load of transmasc ones and enby ones, but no real good ones for the transfems."
"A real travesty there."
"But, regardless, I'm...proud of you?" Riley said confusedly. They wanted to support Lee, yes, but they didn't really know how.
"Anyways, what spurred this on? Why are you coming out to me?"
"I've only ever come out to one person in my life before. It...didn't go so well." Lee's eyes glanced away from the table. "But I couldn't hide this aspect of myself anymore. It was tearing me up on the inside. So I had to tell someone. And..."
Lee took another shot.
"I figured it might as well be you."
Riley had a weird look on their face. One of both confusion and appreciation. They needed to know more.
"Why tell me before anyone else? Surely there are some other people you could have opened up to before me."
"No, it had to be you. Firstly, you're not going to think lesser of me because I'm trans."
"Obviously."
"And secondly, even if you did for some reason, I could just find another bar. This was the lowest-stakes coming out possible. I'd worry a lot more if we had to see each other more often."
Riley chuckled a bit. "Yeah, this doesn't carry the weight that coming out normally does."
"I'm well aware," Lee responded.
"So, want me to guess what's going through your head right now?"
"Huh?"
"It's just that - you know that I know what it's like to come out as a different gender. And I can see it in your eyes that you've got to be thinking roughly the same things that I was thinking. So I'm hoping that you'd be cool with me letting you know just how everything will be fine. Would you be cool with that?"
"I absolutely would."
Riley placed their hands on top of Lee's.
"There's a sense of relief, like there always is, like you're releasing a little bit of weight that's been bogging you down. There's a lot that's still there, but the load's just a tad lighter."
"That's...accurate enough."
"But despite all of that, there are still these thoughts in your head. You're still worried I'll look at you as lesser. Even though I'm obviously not going to do so, you have to keep that instinct because you never know when someone will. You're just opening up your walls, you're not demolishing them."
"Also fair."
"And you're still going through the tribulations that being trans entails. They dissipate as you get more comfortable, but they never truly quite vanish."
"They don't?"
"There's always that self-doubt. No matter how long you've lived your true life, there will be those thoughts. 'This isn't the way normal people are,' 'I'm running away from my reality,' 'I'll never be a real woman.' And those will absolutely rip you apart on the inside when you let them get to you."
Lee turned away for a bit. "So...what do I do?"
"Just remember this. At the end of the day, you will always be your own worst critic and your own worst enemy. No matter what anyone thinks of you, it'll never be as bad as you think of yourself."
"Is this supposed to be uplifting?"
"I'm getting there. The point is that as long as you're living your true life, there is nothing that can be taken away from you. We have these arbitrary restrictions forced upon us, and even when we break free from them, they still hang over our heads."
"You've got that right."
"But what is more human than escaping restriction? We've come up with so many words attempting to describe the inherently indescribable of life. It doesn't matter who you were, what you did, or what anyone else thinks of you. You're a woman, Lee. And you'll always be a woman."
"T-thanks." Lee teared up a bit.
"You wanna know how I know you're a woman?"
"How?"
"You double-parked your car outside," Riley said, with a trollish look on their face.
"That...was horribly misogynistic."
"Yeah, but it was towards you."
"Is this your way of providing me with gender euphoria?"
"Not really. But you're smiling right now, so I'm clearly doing something right."
Riley was right. Lee absolutely could not hold back the fact that she was grinning.
"Goddamn it," she said through weak laughs. "Why am I enjoying this conversation? You've insulted me several times."
"I'm just giving you a taste of what being a woman is like."
"Is it really like this?"
"Of course it is. Why do you think I stopped being one?"
Lee giggled. "Since when did you become so funny?"
"Since always. I just never told these jokes around you because I thought you wouldn't appreciate them."
"I wouldn't say I appreciate them. You're definitely disparaging me, but...in a good way? Like I don't know how to describe it any other way."
Riley walked across the bar and placed their arm around Lee.
"In my eyes, what I'm doing, or at least trying to do, is keep the banter going between us. When I came out as non-binary to my friends, they were very accepting of my identity. But what ended up happening was that a lot of the inside jokes that we had either died out or stopped involving me."
"What do you mean?" Lee inquired.
"Just as an example, there was a time when I went to this magic show and got 'hypnotized' into forgetting the number 7. For months after that, there was a running joke that every time said something involving the number 7, someone would say something like, 'Riley, 7 is the number after 6.' It was fun; I engaged in the jokes myself a lot of the time. When I came out as non-binary, the jokes immediately stopped. There were times when I was deliberately setting up punchlines. I said stuff like, 'I'll meet you after 6.' And I expected to hear something back like, 'So, 8?' Eventually, I had to start making the jokes myself, and they got no laughs whatsoever."
"W-why? How does you being non-binary impact that?"
"What I think happened was that they, either consciously or subconsciously, thought that when I came out, I'd become more sensitive. Like they'd throw a joke at me, and I'd be like, 'What does that mean? Are you saying that non-binary people can't count?'"
"That's stupid."
"I know." Riley stared down for a moment. "But I think that, in their attempts at kindness, they forgot that I loved being a part of the bit. It was great to have this connection I could come back to all the time for a quick laugh. And the fact that I was non-binary didn't change that. I was a different gender, sure, but I wasn't an entirely different person."
"So, that's what you're doing with me?"
"It's what I'm trying to do. You're a woman now, and that's great. But I hope you're still the wise-cracking, fun-loving, weirdo who loves a good insult, even one directed at her."
Lee snickered a bit. "Of course I am."
"Great to know. As long as you don't change on the inside, then I won't change around you. We'll keep having these conversations, like always. Just know that my door is always open."
Lee finished up her drink and slid Riley a $20. "Keep the change. It was great talking to you. And thanks for being...understanding, I guess?"
"It's nothing. I'm just doing the bare minimum. Thanks for being willing to tell me."
"No problem. If I didn't tell anyone about this, it would've killed me. See you next week, Riley?"
"Like always, Lee."
Lee walked back to her car, and took a quick look at it.
"Huh. I really am double-parked. First step towards womanhood, I guess."