Chapter Text
It was a bad idea. Objectively, it was not the worst idea he has ever had. Crowley has had many terrible ideas in the last couple decades, nothing as wicked as whatever the humans came up with, but terrible nonetheless. He invented selfies (he has had an incredible hair day – messy enough to look intentional). And then came Twitter, which was the best and worst place to be for a demon of his kind. But nothing quite as evil as the thought that crossed his mind three days before Christmas.
Ever since the demon befriended Nina and Maggie, he and Aziraphale have been invited to too many gatherings. Someone’s birthday (Crowley made a note he should pick one for himself), drinking nights out which were his favourite and the newest one, Christmas dinner. He could have refused if he didn’t value his life which meant Nina would never allow him to cross the threshold of her shop after closing; no more gossiping was worse than death.
Aziraphale looked at him with his radiant smile, Crowley could tell he was over the moon to go so he let out a sigh and agreed. That was the reason why a demon, who had just learnt people buy gifts for each other with the occasion of the birth of Jesus Christ, was in an electronics store buying the newest iPhone for his best friend. Because they were friends and Aziraphale did need a new phone that wasn’t older than his car.
If he really thought about it, getting the angel a phone was selfish in nature. Crowley could annoy him all the time instead of just most of it, he could send him pictures of books Aziraphale didn’t own and tell him where to find them, update him on his plants and their well being (if they knew what was good for them), maybe even call him when Aziraphale was not in the bookshop. So, it was for his own benefit and that made it not good.
Maggie was an excellent cook according to the angel. Crowley rarely ate and it was only around Aziraphale when he was trying out a new recipe and insisted he needed assistance. They brought the wine, and the demon was surprised to see Aziraphale was holding three bags. He didn’t mention it to the angel, but kept glancing over his shoulder.
Plain black matte paper with a crimson bow – he spent over an hour on wrapping the box (and watched about seven different tutorials). Crowley handed it to him, a faint tremble in his hand. The girls exchanged a look and giggled.
“Is it for me?” Aziraphale had asked, astonished.
He nodded. “Go ahead, open it.”
“Oh! Oh, it’s one of those smart phones!” Aziraphale beamed. He turned it over in his hands. It was, as expected, gold. “You have one.”
“I thought it was time for an upgrade, you know? Now you can tell everyone about your good deeds at any given time,” Crowley offered. “Especially when you’re out.”
“Right, yes,” Aziraphale winked. “Thank you, Crowley. That was very ni— well, it’s lovely. How does it work?”
“I’ll set it up for you.”
Two days later, the demon still hasn’t received any texts from Aziraphale. Not a single one, it was driving him up the walls. He considered that maybe he forgot how to open the app or worse, lost it already if his flaming sword was anything to go by. He paced around his flat for exactly thirty seven minutes, collapsed on the bed and typed.
17:37
hi, angel
i’m supposed to do
the old demon job tonight
spreading dissent and whatnot
fancy dinner out? my treat
Crowley could envision it in his head. Aziraphale at his desk, scribbling whatever he usually scribbled in his diaries, grazing on some leftover sushi and not hearing the notification buzz. He was about to head out when his phone vibrated in the pocket of his coat.
17:50
My dear, Crowley
I have received your invitation via SMS
and I would be delighted to join you on
a lovely evening out at the Ritz. I should be
ready around 9 PM. If you arrive any
earlier and the bookshop is closed, please
do let yourself in with the key I’ve provided
you (if you’ve lost it there’s a spare in the
Bentley I’ve left in case of emergencies).
If boredom should pester you, feel free to scare
away any of my unwanted customers.
Warmly, Aziraphale
17:50
sure
see you soon x
Alright, he was wrong. The angel just texted like a grandma, they could work on that over dinner. Crowley picked up another set of keys and let the door click shut behind him.
1:08
That was a scrumptious meal.
Thank you for driving me home.
1:08
no problem
it was fun
1:09
How do you like the scarf?
You look very presentable wearing it.
1:09
yeah uh thanks
it’s alright
good for this abominable weather
1:10
Ah, it’s such a relief, for you to say
that. I’ve spent an awful long time to
make it and then I thought: what if he
hates it? But you don’t so all that worry
for nothing.
1:10
you...made it?
you know how to knit?
1:13
Yes! I’ve learned how to in the 14th century.
I think you were asleep for that one.
I know snakes are cold-blooded so what better
gift than something to keep you warm? It’s
cashmere.
1:13
you think you know someone
i really like it
1:14
I really like the phone, too. You shouldn't
have, it’s rather addictive.
1:15
nonsense
you'll get bored soon
and then i’ll have to
start calling the bookshop
again
1:15
I don’t think so. I quite enjoy messaging
you whenever. You can't escape my book
reviews anymore.
1:16
oh no
whatever shall i do
gonna fall asleep
good night angel
1:17
Good night, dear.
It was safe to say that Crowley has gone to sleep with his new scarf wrapped around himself. Maybe it was his imagination or maybe he unawarely wished that it smelt of Aziraphale’s cologne.
January meant the beginning of a new year for humans, it also meant an extremely busy night for a certain demon. He was not big on pyro, but whoever in Hell read his reports loved it (they were so short-staffed, almost everyone forgot he was a traitor). The only problem was that he woke up after a week, shattered and bone-heavy, and without his glasses.
8:07
forgot my glasses last night
are they on your desk?
8:43
Hi, Crowley
I’ve searched everywhere, I couldn’t find
your sunglasses. Are you sure you left them
here? I remember you wearing them when
I asked you to stay the night. You were rather
in a hurry.
8:45
uh, yeah, unexpected demonic business
very urgent, sorry about that
i could come around later
8:50
Well, you know you can come anytime you want.
I can bring out the really good wine and
order us some sushi! Maggie taught me how
to use this delivery application. Very clever,
these humans. I don’t have to leave the bookshop!
8:51
order for pick-up
i’ll get it on my way there
make sure they don’t mess it up
8:53
Oh, would you be so kind? Wonderful!
Then we shall sleep together tonight.
8:53
what
He doesn’t mean that. He probably doesn’t know what that means. Surely, Aziraphale has no clue what he had just said. But what if he does? No, no. You’re losing it, Crowley. You know he would never suggest something of the sort. He’s an angel. You know, holy and pure and not for you to corrupt with your touch. He would not want you to touch him...right? I’m too sober for this.
9:15
ANGEL
9:23
Sorry, my dear boy. A customer would
not leave. My fault for opening so early.
Sleep together! Isn’t that what humans do
when they spend the night at one their friend’s
house and have a good time together?
9:24
that’s a slumber party
9:25
Oh, I see. Not very much different, then.
So, is that a yes?
9:25
...yes
He remembered Aziraphale, hauling him up on the couch after he stumbled on his feet. His hands warm and his body soft as a pillow, and his laugh as Crowley babbled something about how they could share.
He blinked the dream away, eyes bleary and vision blurry. He’s only been asleep for two months, but he was the one who forgot to put his phone on silent. Crowley had himself to blame and no one else.
2:22
Crowley?
2:44
Crowley, are you there?
2:44
i was sleeping angel
whats the problem?
2:45
I’m sorry to wake you up. I have a question
but I can ask you tomorrow. Good night!
2:45
no its fine i’m awake
2:45
Are you sure? It can wait.
2:47
aziraphale just ask
2:47
Alright, if you insist. What does the “x” that you
add at the end of your texts exactly mean? The
nice man from the two shops down asked for
my phone number. He said he might require my
help with something soon and he also adds the
“x”.
2:47
is that so?
and he texted you at three in the morning?
which shop did you say?
2:48
Well, yes. Two shops down, the new furniture
establishment.You still haven’t answered
my question. What does the “x” mean?
2:48
just a british thing
you text your friends that
you’ve known for a while
i don’t know what he’s on about
Unfortunately for whatever his name was, Crowley was behind schedule. He was more than glad to land a helping hand. He murmured to himself, setting an alarm before going back to sleep.
7:30
Sorry, my dear. I’ve temporarily misplaced
my phone. It was under one of the Bibles, I’ve
I just found it again. The oddest thing has
happened.
7:33
oh yeah? what is it
7:34
The man I told you about, he messaged me again.
He said to not come today as the shop got infested
with cockroaches overnight. How dreadful!
Unfortunately, I’m out of frivolous miracles this
month so I recommended him to call pest control.
7:34
how awful to hear
a good deed indeed angel
should i slither down for breakfast?
8:34
Crowley, why didn’t you tell me the
significance of the “x” is a kiss?
8:34
who told you that
8:35
Nina! You are late and I thought there would
be no harm in asking. Why didn’t you tell me?
8:35
well uh
8:36
Do you know how to...block someone? I think
that’s the word for it. You should have told me, silly.
Such an improper thing to do, the cheek of him!
8:36
i’m coming in
4:44
no ned to com
nd be get me
m home
4:44
I know, Crowley. I was the one who
dropped you off. I had to miracle you
new locks. You lost your keys.
4:45
oh k
thnks
where yiu go
4:45
I’m going back to the bookshop.
I'm about to get the lift.
4:45
noo cmon
angel
stay the nihht
its late danger
4:45
It’s almost morning, Crowley.
I’ll be fine, I assure you.
4:45
but but
but i want you
to stay
4:46
You seemed to be getting along
rather nicely with that gentleman at
the bar. You were actually crossed
I was there, after you asked me to pick
you up. I’m sure you can manage on your
own tonight.
4:46
wot???
u mean the blokr
the one wit
uh black hajr n tall
4:46
Yes. I’m sorry to have ruined
your fun.
4:46
no abgel angel
i ws gonna puncb him
when u came
he suad whos that yknow
bad word big bad wird
stupjd big bad word
bout you
angel id never
only you
4:47
You mean to tell me...you were
defending me?
4:47
yes course
you angel
he prick
stay?
4:47
Yes, I’m coming up. Someone has
to bandage your hand after all.
Hangover, not worth it. Crowley swore he would not get this drunk ever again. Which usually meant until the next time Nina invited him out to a pub because she needed to blow off some steam and Maggie was out of town visiting her mother. That was a whole other thing, but Crowley was a good listener.
He had no recollection of what happened the previous night or why one of his hands felt like a brick or why there was a blanket covering him. In all honesty, he couldn’t care to recall either. His phone’s screen flashed as he was making his first coffee of the day. Two messages. One from Nina that read “what did he say?? i bet he loved them”. Crowley shook his head and read the second one, from Aziraphale,
14:44
Thank you for the flowers, Crowley.
They are lovely. I’ve got a new vase just
for them.
15:01
what flowers
who sent you flowers??????
15:02
What do you mean “who”? You! You even
signed the card with your human name: “with
love, Anthony.” Are you quite alright?
15:02
i’m getting in the car right now
i’ll be there in 10
15:05
I’ve figured out how to use this other application
called YouTube. I even listened to some of the
songs you wrote down on the card, you old
serpent. I really enjoyed them so far, you’d
be pleased to know.
15:05
please stop listening to anything
until i get there
15:06
Oh, you’d like to listen together? I’ve just
finished “From Eden” by Hoziér, it was rather good.
I think I might re-listen to that one.
15:09
i beg of you
please stop listening angel
15:11
Alright, alright. I’ll wait for you.
See you in a minute, dear. x
There was one thing Crowley hated more than the 14th century and that was Aziraphale leaving him alone to take care of the bookshop. He liked it when Aziraphale left behind a bit of mess for him to sort out and organise. What he didn’t like was being away from the angel for too long.
Aziraphale persuaded him, in ways he would not admit to anyone, to let him drive the Bentley. He tried not to think about it, but he could feel it. Crowley wondered if all that love was for him or he was helplessly hoping.
22:22
did you get to edinburgh?
how’s my car?
22:44
Crowley, you know I can’t text when
I drive! Our car is just fine, I had no
trouble finding a good spot for her until
the morning. I’ve just checked into the
hotel.
22:47
is the room ok?
22:49
You mean the suite you booked a week
ago and showed me a hundred pictures of?
Yes, it’s perfect. Thank you. How’s the
bookshop?
22:49
closed obviously
i put a sign on the door
“we’re out for the weekend
come in at your own risk
(you really don’t want to)”
22:50
Truly menacing, dear. Very good.
What are you up to?
22:51
got myself some wine
i’m bored out of my mind
why did your lot send you
up there again?
22:52
Some sort of festival? I don’t really know.
Not many wiles to thwart if you’re not here
and I doubt Hell is going to send someone
else to do your job. But I couldn’t say no,
Heaven would have suspected something was up.
22:52
youre probably right
now you mention it
i think i was also supposed
to do some temptations at a festival
22:53
You forgot?
22:53
no
i mean yes
entirely possible
fuck
22:54
Crowley! You cannot be serious!
23:00
sorry angel
you could do both?
and i’ll make it up to you
23:01
I could...or you could come here.
23:02
well one tiny demonic miracle
no one would notice right?
23.05
You could sleep in and I’ll order room
service. I heard they have excellent coffee
options.
23:05
when you put it like that
we could go out later
23:07
And I’d have to stick around to make
sure you’re not doing any evil deeds. You
know, stay vigilant at all times.
23:07
linger about
get some dinner after
23:10
I don’t know what to do with all this
empty space in the bed. It’d be a shame
just for me to use it. The mattress is so
soft.
23:11
are you tempting me, angel?
23:12
I’m just stating facts. I also
wish you were here. With me.
23:13
open the door
He was a demon, but he was not immune to Aziraphale’s charms. Perhaps, the angel missed him just as much.
1:19
hey angel
hey
1:20
hey
angrl
1:29
abngel
1:30
Yes, Crowley?
1:32
can u com
pick us upp
1:32
But my dear, you drove there with Nina
and Maggie.
1:35
yes nins and i
we drunk
1:36
Evidently. Can Maggie drive? I know she
doesn’t drink.
1:36
noooo booo
my car
no one else drivs my car
u can
pleasssse angel
1:38
You could sober up. Use a miracle.
1:41
Crowley? Please tell me you didn’t get
into trouble.
1:41
my fav song
s playin
1:43
Where are you? I’ll come.
1:43
ahhh thank youu
did yknow
youre a literal angel
thanksss
1:43
Yes, I know. Stay where you are. And try
to keep the girls close to you. I’d hate it if
anything happened to them.
1:44
course angel
hes comin to get us girl
i misssed my angel
all night
1:45
I don’t think those were meant for me, dear.
I’ve missed you, too.
2:17
Crowley, what was that noise? I’m pretty
sure it came from upstairs.
2:17
oooopss yes sry
was me
im on th floor
2:19
How did you manage? And are you hurt?
2:19
uhhhh well
belt bucke stuck
m drunk and i tripped
ouch
missed bed
2:20
Do you need me to come and help?
2:20
nonno
no i hav no shirt on
i thjnk i hurt
big ouch
2;21
That hasn’t been a problem before, dear.
I know you prefer sleeping it off rather
than miracle yourself sober so at least let
me help you.
2:21
ughh but
ok cant get yp
hurt my hip
gonna bruise
2:22
Silly serpent. Would you like me to kiss
it better?
2:22
aaaaaangel
shut up yes mayb
could u
2:23
Of course. Anywhere else that might need
tending to? Just to make sure we cover all
bases, you know. Being thorough.
2:23
my face
yup fell on it
face thing
you know me two left feet
everywhere hurts actually
2:24
Sure you did. You also seem to be able
to text properly again.
2:24
nonono aurocorrct
or whatevs
comin upp?
2:25
Yes, darling. I wouldn’t want you to
further injure yourself since everything hurts.
I have lots of places to kiss, don’t I?
2:25
[draft]
i wanna kiss you angel
A random Thursday, middle of June. Crowley went to a meeting, put nicely. He was, in fact, ambushed and forced to sit his ass down on the cheapest plastic chair for hours. He was in very good spirits until then, biting down his ear to ear smile. He and Aziraphale have gotten comfortable with each other, he would say they got really close. They haven’t talked about it, it just happened and Crowley replayed it in his head the entire time.
His phone buzzed once. Twice. He sneaked it out from his pocket, shielding the screen from the demon sitting next to him.
12:58
Are you picking up lunch? x
13:34
Where the Heavens are you, Crowley?
13:36
hell
i was picking up lunch
13:36
That is not funny. When are you coming
back? It’s been ages, the queue can’t be
that long.
13:37
no aziraphale
i’m in literal Hell
13:37
Oh. Why? You don’t like it there at all.
13:38
don’t you think i know that?
i got dragged down here
some stupid mandatory meeting
i swear hastur won’t stop talking
13:39
In fairness, you’ve been ignoring him
for weeks.
13:40
that’s because i’m not his mother
and i don’t have time to hear
about his “evil” plans
or for this conference
13:45
are you still there
13:45
Someone might notice you’re texting me.
It’s too dangerous, we can talk when you
come back.
13:46
huh they’d probably give me
another commendation
13:46
For what?
13:47
successfully tempting an angel
13:48
I’m very sorry to inform you that you have
not managed to tempt me in an awfully long
time.
13:48
awfully long you say
is that so?
13:48
Certainly.
13:50
oh of course
i suppose you’re quite right
it was you, after all, who asked me
if i’d like to take a seat
on your lap
13:50
That was different! Stop it, someone might
take a peek at our conversation!
13:52
i was rather comfortable
you’re right i didn’t have to do anything
you’re so soft angel and so responsive
13:53
Crowley! I’m at work. Fine, perhaps, you’ve
tempted me. A bit. Are you happy now?
13:53
i was happier when you were making
those little broken noises
with my face buried in your neck
i think the word you used
was “please”
13:54
Well, I don’t recall. Actually.
13:54
you don’t?
let me refresh your memory then
you very gracefully exposed your neck
and looked at my mouth with what
some might call innocence
i can still feel you tremble
just from my tongue
your pulse on my lips
your skin warm and sweet
such a greedy angel
it might have been “please, more”
13:55
This is not a good time for that, Crowley.
13:55
mhm, got many customers?
14:10
Can’t you find an excuse to leave early?
14:10
i’m stuck here
for satan knows how long
14:10
I closed the bookshop for the day.
14:15
Would you, hypothetically, rather spend
all day in a meeting we both know you’re
not paying attention to or...pressed against me.
14:15
untimely water leakage
i mean
see you in a bit
Aziraphale called him a month later, early in the morning. He said he would be in Heaven for something that Crowley didn’t catch because he was not fully awake yet. He got the important information which was to pick him up from the joint building around 5 PM.
16:06
i’m outside
yes i know i’m early
i got bored
16:07
Well, then you will have to wait, won’t you?
Michael hasn’t finished his presentation. It’s
rather...dull.
16:07
i can imagine
what happened to my plant?
you know the one i left
on your desk
16:08
Oh, you’ve noticed. I was hoping you
wouldn’t. Unfortunately, lovely Jane had
a spot and I know how you hate spots.
16:08
what did you do
16:08
Nothing!
16:08
aziraphale
where is it
16:09
It’s not anywhere, so to speak. In a better
place? I tried to fix it but she really didn’t
want to be saved.
16:09
that’s because
you didn’t yell at it
you probably told her
she’d get better soon
and then she died
16:09
Yes, alright! We can hold a funeral for her
if you insist but I’m sure you hissing at it
wouldn’t have helped much more. She was
way too far gone.
16:10
great news
you’re gone all day
and now i’m plantless
16:49
michael’s a wanker
16:50
I quite agree. I’ll be down in a minute (not
literal minute). He asked about you.
16:50
i feel honored
(sarcasm)
what did you tell him
16:51
That you’ve been on your worst behaviour,
obviously. Keeping me on my toes and
extremely busy.
16:51
well
close enough
16:52
Maybe this will take you out of your
indecent mood. I have a surprise for you.
16:52
do you now
16:55
Yes. I know she was your favourite so
I did a bit of research while I was here.
I ordered you another one and I made sure
she had the best conditions to thrive in
the bookshop.
16;55
you what
16:55
Surprise! It said it would get delivered on
the same day if I ordered by 12 PM.
Can you believe that?
16:55
angel
did you get me a plant
whilst in a meeting
in heaven?
16:56
I did, yes. You’ll find out that you were
not the only one bored.
16:56
alright sure yeah
completely understandable
[draft - deleted]
i love you
16:57
Any plans for dinner?
16:57
your turn to pick
anywhere you want
The July heat wave hit Crowley harder than any holy water could have had. After a one hour long cold shower, he was surprised to see Aziraphale has triple texted him. And that his grammar was all fucked. Oh, Satan.
23:23
Are you askeep, Crowley?
Asleep
23:47
crowley
23:47
yes sorry
i was in the shower
are you okay???
23:48
Yes, fine
Nina brought som wine for you
and I might have had a bit.
23:48
right
by yourself?
that’s unlike you
23:48
Yes well, you see, I bumped
into gAbriel earlier and he said
some uh stuff? Yeah stuff. Bad stuff
23:48
what did he say
23:50
I think he saud “try and lose the gut”
which wasn’t very nice to hear
23:50
his holiness should consider
his own guts
before someone rips them out
feeds them to dogs
23:51
“Too soft”
Do you think Im too soft Crowley?
Maybe I should do somethjng
about it
.
23:51
no angel don’t be daft
you’re an angel
you couldn’t be more perfect
if you tried
23:54
Hmm, I don’t know crowley
you don’t think I should change?
23:54
no i don’t
i loike you exactly
how you are
I love you. It wouldn’t have been fair to say it when Aziraphale was drunk. Not the first time, not over text. Crowley almost managed to fuck it up, but he was know for not spelling correctly. The angel would not read into it. I hope.
23:55
But there’s so much of me
23:55
the more to like then
23:56
Come over
can you come over?
Nor busy
23:56
not busy
no more wine though
you can have a hot chocolate
23:57
Yes thank you dear
and after...
23:58
fine just this time
we can smuggle
23:58
Smuggle? oooooh
WHAT ARE WE SMUGGLING?
00:00
SNUGGLE
i meant snuggle aziraphale
we are not smuggling anything
not tonight at least
00:00
Aw :(
00:00
did you just
nvm i’m almost there
00:01
I thoughr you’d be amused
by my fuckery
00:02
absolutely enchanted
00:02
Good! As you should
Now i’ll tempt you into
playing the wordle
can we do the wordle?
00:03
how could i resist
such a temptation
yes angel
Aziraphale's starting word was snake, Crowley preferred angel.