Chapter Text
Their first real date as courting partners was, well, about as awkward as it could be for two people with the history these two did.
You definitely didn't normally start by sharing a heat and rut, and then you probably didn't become the subject of a matchmaking scheme that seemed to involve the whole of Nod Krai.
What do two soldiers who don't know how to take care of themselves, let alone each other, do for a first date, you ask?
Well, they start by asking for "help".
---
Lohen and Tartaglia had resumed their training with a weekly frequency, and were officially sanctioned by the Knights to allow it to continue. What Pulcinella didn't know wouldn't hurt him, in this case.
They had finished another round in which Lohen nearly got Childe down first, but at the last second, Childe pinned him with a sword to his throat. Lohen tapped the ground twice before he could get any indecent ideas, and Childe helped him up.
They were patching each other up when the subject of how things were going with Illuga came up.
“We…are struggling to figure out how to actually start ‘dating’ in earnest. Neither of us have ever gone through traditional courting.”
Childe laughed and shook his head. “Haven't you two basically been on dates for weeks now?”
Lohen glared. “That's different from the first real date now that we are officially courting each other. It matters.”
“Well, I can't help you there kiddo. I was engaged to Zhongli for 2 years before I even knew he was courting me, so once I got the picture we pretty much got married immediately.”
That caused Lohen to bristle like an angry cat. “You went through all that to get us together and you don't even know what our first date should be?”
“Woah woah calm down there. Just because I don't have experience doesn't mean we can't think of something, right?”
Lohen angrily threw a knife across the field until it landed in a tree.
“Well mister ‘I married an archon and I will not let anyone forget it’, I would have thought you might have better dating advice.”
Childe let himself fall back into the dirt, staring up at the tree cover. “Laogong, help, please?”
A little dragon popped up its head from the nearby rocky outcrop, and skittered over to his mate. He licked some of the dirt off of Childe's nose and made a happy chirp. The harbinger ran a hand through his mane, smiling at his antics.
“Where was our first date?”
Zhongli headbutted his hand.
Wanmin.
“Really? It wasn't Xinyue Kiosk or Liuli Pavilion?”
The dragon nodded.
Childe considered this, but he was not overly optimistic. Nod Krai didn't really have restaurants meant for dates, but that didn’t necessarily matter. Sperenza didn’t have bad food, just a weird atmosphere for a date, and The Flagship was really meant for hook-ups or couples that liked to get wasted and crash at the inn. There wasn’t a restaurant in Piramida, just the mead hall, and that was a communal space.
Honestly, it would be better if they could hire a private chef or go off the islands.
But that seemed a little excessive for a first date.
Then again, just about everything about this couple had been ‘excessive’ so far, so what was traveling for a first date. Honestly, it might make more sense, since they both attracted so much attention in Nod Krai they wouldn’t have any peace.
He finally called over to Lohen, who was angstily sharpening his knife.
“How would you two feel about taking a field trip to Fontaine?”
Lohen considered this, and then looked back at Childe. “Didn’t you almost die in Fontaine?”
“Well yeah, but I don’t think you’re about to fight Surtalogi’s All-Devouring Narwhal to prevent the great flood.”
Lohen deadpanned. “If we show up and Aether is there we just might.”
Childe laughed. “Can’t argue with you there.”
The knight sighed. “In all seriousness, Varka said I am not to go to Fontaine without very good reason and an escort. He thinks I’ll get arrested.”
The taller man raised an eyebrow. “Since when do you care what he tells you to do?”
Lohen grumbled. “Since he can get Illuga and Flins to gang up on me…”
That got another laugh out of Childe. “Ah, the price of love.”
Never one to let himself be the butt of a joke, he turned it back on Childe. “Have the Adepti ganged up on you before?”
The little dragon looked like he was about to bust a gut snickering as much as a little dragon could. Childe put his head in his hands.
“Zhongliiii you’ll ruin my reputation.”
All Zhongli had to say was a flick of his tongue at his husband. Well now Lohen was very curious.
“I’m going to guess that it is a yes?”
Apparently Zhongli had acquired just enough energy to take a human form once again, so he shifted, running a hand through his distressed husband’s sweat-slick hair.
“This is more my fault than my husband’s, but he took the brunt of it I’m afraid. When Cloud Retainer found out I had been courting Childe for several years without telling her, she almost pecked his eyes out.”
“I almost had to go Foul Legacy to escape her wrath before you finally showed up to defend my honor.”
Zhongli pet his hair again in placation. “And I do apologize for my oversight, my love.”
“It’s whatever. That was like 5 years ago.”
Lohen watched the two with some amusement. It was rare he ever got to see them banter as people, and not as a harbinger and his dragon husband that could only communicate in chirps and judgemental stares. It was also fascinating for him to see the ways in which Zhongli still looked like a dragon while he was on two legs. He could appreciate a pretty man when he saw one, and he would admit that Childe had gotten a catch.
…since he fishes. For fun.
“How exactly did you tell him that you had been engaged for two years, and how does that even happen?”
Childe looked like he wanted the earth to swallow him whole, and he curled into Zhongli, like he knew what was about to happen.
Zhongli, for his part, considered taking pity on his husband and not revealing one of his deepest shames.
“...Chopsticks.” Childe finally said.
The more he learned about these two, the more Lohen could not believe that they were two of the most powerful people in Teyvat. “Chopsticks?”
“Yeah. This old lizard was using ancient Liyuen courting techniques assuming I knew what the hell he was doing. One of those is to give chopsticks to signal intent to marry.”
“So he gave you marriage chopsticks?”
Childe finally got up, and looked Lohen dead in the eyes. “On the third date.”
It was Lohen’s turn to look at Zhongli, who at least had the decency to blush a little bit. “You knew you wanted to marry him on the third date?”
“When you have been around as long as I have, sometimes you just know.”
“And sometimes you make your husband-to-be look like an idiot in front of every person with an ounce of influence in Liyue Harbor.”
Zhongli looked at Childe sharply, and then he pouted. “Ajax…I thought we talked about this.”
Lohen tilted his head. “Ajax?”
Childe glared something fierce at Zhongli. “I’d really rather you not throw around my birth name so casually, Lyubimy.”
“Has Sir Lohen not been in your care for long enough now to know?”
Lohen was turning things over in his head. “Ajax…like the great adventurer hero?”
“That would indeed be my namesake.”
Lohen whistled. “Now those are some high expectations. I guess there’s a reason you are where you are.”
Childe still looked like he wanted the ground to swallow him whole. “Can we get back to your first date with Illuga. Please.”
Lohen threw the knife he had just been sharpening into another tree. “Do we have to?”
Childe rolled his shoulder. “I mean we don’t have to but you should probably figure something out. It doesn’t have to be fancy. Illuga seems like a pretty laid back, pragmatic guy. I mainly suggested Fontaine because he can’t go anywhere without people coming up to him like he’s the mayor.”
That was something about Illuga Lohen had learned he would have to make peace with very quickly. When Lohen was with him, people were a little less forward, but enough people still looked at Illuga like he was their savior. He supposed it was the price of being captain.
“I guess we could go camping.”
Childe finally felt hope returning to him. “There ya go! That’s the spirit.”
Lohen quickly deflated “...We’ve already been camping though.”
“Yeah, but as coworkers. This would be different. You can fuck in the tent.”
Zhongli clicked his tongue. “Baobei…”
“I-” Lohen wasn’t normally taken aback by openly sexual language, but since his interactions with Tartaglia tended to be with that of a mentor, it caught him off guard. He supposed this man still had many things to teach him yet.
“What, am I wrong? Instead of staring at him from afar wanting to jump him, you can just, you know, actually sleep together.”
“...” Lohen was speechless, and blushing fiercely. He had been wanting to jump on Illuga when they shared tents in the past for work; he just…did not let himself think further than that.
“Zhongli wouldn’t share a bed with me until marriage, let alone have sex. Enjoy your experimentation while you are getting to know each other, and not after you’re married.”
Zhongli growled low, and Childe snickered. “If you’re going to air my dirty laundry, yours is up for grabs too.”
“Traditional dragon courting customs are not ‘dirty laundry’.”
“Really? Because you sure are acting like they are.” Childe grinned, and reached up a finger to boop his husband’s nose. “Silly dragon. It worked out in the end, didn’t it?”
Lohen was starting to understand why Childe had latched onto his courtship with Illuga so fiercely. It really was like looking in a mirror, and he probably wanted to spiritually ‘re-do’ his early courting with Zhongli so it was less messy.
…Well that was already out the window.
Camping was probably a decent idea, and Childe and Zhongli looked like they were about to engage in a specific flavor of quarreling that Lohen was not in the mood for, so he left.
---
Illuga had drafted so many plans. So many plans that lay crumpled on the floor of his home. This should not be this hard. He was a captain, he had led people into battle plenty of times, and coordinated logistics across oceans.
So why was planning a first date the thing that threw all of his qualifications out the window?
“Flins?”
The lantern that had been peacefully resting near Illuga’s chair sparked to life, and shifted into form. Flins had been there to make sure Illuga was eating, and in the process decided to stay and rest while he worked things out.
“Yes, young master?”
“Why are first dates impossible to plan?”
Flins blinked at him slowly a few times, considering the best answer. “Because you are a perfectionist, and Sir Lohen is a wild card.”
“Yeah…”
“Truly, you have nothing to worry about. I’m sure he’ll just be happy to spend time with you in a ‘normal’ way.”
“We’re not ‘normal’ people, Flins.”
“Yes, you are extraordinary, but that does not mean you cannot enjoy some normalcy from time to time. You can’t save the world every day.”
Illuga crumpled up another piece of paper and threw it into the pile. “Burn them.”
“Are you sure?”
“Yes.”
Because he couldn’t help himself, Flins started unfolding the crumpled up balls to see what Illuga had already given up on.
“Please don’t-”
“‘Have a picnic under the stars at the highest point in Piramida’. That is a perfectly good first date, young master.”
He continued to unfold more papers, smoothing them out and making a neat stack.
“Take on a local legend together, take on an excessively bizarre commission, mandragora races,” Flins paused, squinting to make sure he read that right, and chuckled. “You want him to help get you out of Aino’s electronics classes?”
Illuga was blushing something fierce. “In my defense, Ineffa knows every possible excuse the two of us could come up with at this point, and she probably doesn’t have enough data on Lohen to know what he might try.”
“Sir Lohen might actually know what she is talking about, at least a little bit. He is quite inventive, in his way.”
The younger lightkeeper sighed, and ran a hand through his hair. “Inventive is a word.”
One of their first attempts at a ‘first date’ was Lohen bringing him to his ‘potion workshop’ to show where he tested out different poisons and antidotes. In what was possibly a first look at Lohen being excited about something for the sake of it, and not because it was at someone else’s expense, Illuga allowed himself to be a test dummy for a new healing potion.
He was doubled over vomiting an hour later, Lohen gently rubbing his back through it and apologizing. “Please believe that was not intentional. I wanted it to make you feel rejuvenated, but clearly I was wrong…”
After he was finally done emptying his stomach, he downed a whole glass of water and looked back to Lohen with a soft, if a little pained, smile, “If it was intentional, you wouldn’t have stayed to help me through it. I believe you.”
Lohen had looked like he was going to cry, and instead of doing that, made it up to him by giving him a blowjob on the floor of his laboratory so his tears looked like they were from cock instead of emotions.
Not exactly a first date, but not the worst thing that could have happened.
And that thought brought him back to the present. Flins was right, maybe it didn’t have to be perfect. Maybe it could just…’be’.
That didn’t stop him from wanting it to be perfect, though. Lohen had only experienced poor excuses for lovers before him, and he was determined to treat him the way he deserved: with kindness and care.
“He may look princely but I don’t think he’s overly fussy about anything that isn’t related to weaponry. Genuinely, young master, I think the fact that you put some thought into it is all he needs. Any of these sound like good options, except for maybe helping you get out of Aino’s classes. Maybe that would be better for a second or third date.”
Flins thought so highly of Illuga but this was the third day of this and he was running a little thin on patience, but did not want to abandon his friend. Another day of this though and he might be tempted to seek outside help, since that went so well the last time…
He was amused at the prospect of Lohen helping them dodge electronics class though. That, he would try to make happen another time.
“Alright. Let’s have a picnic. Surely nothing can go wrong with a picnic as long as I cook the food.”
Flins kept his thoughts to himself. Plenty could go wrong on a picnic, but he was not about to interject now that Illuga seemed like he had something that was acceptable-
“I just need to ask Nefer for some special ingredients-”
Never mind.
“Illuga. Use what you normally use. You are a wonderful cook. Adding new and expensive ingredients is just going to make you more nervous.”
“Yeah, you’re right.”
“Make him Lohikeitto. You have that down to a science.”
That brought a soft smile to the young lightkeeper’s face. “Alright. That sounds like a plan. Thank you, Flins. I don’t think I could have done this without you.”
The fae chuckled, and moved to take his leave. “I know. That’s what I’m here for.”
---
Their schedules didn’t align for a week, but they passed letters back and forth to try to hash out the details.
They were going camping with a picnic. It was perfectly low stakes, Illuga got to show off his cooking, and Lohen didn’t have to navigate a crowd. And if they got ambushed, Lohen would be more than happy to show off a little. They would meet in Piramida, and make their way to a rarely traveled section of Amsvartnir. Lohen seemed to have a soft spot for the place, and it was out of the way.
Nothing could possibly go wrong, right?
Once they had settled on a day, Illuga had started practicing, even though he didn’t need it. Lightkeepers rotated through his house in droves sampling his soup. They all said it was perfect, but Illuga had to be sure.
The Ratniki were not opposed to being taste testers for their captain’s wonderful home cooking, but it was starting to become clear it was about more than that.
Finally, Varka of all people made an appearance to try this legendary soup, and to help Illuga calm down. Flins had expressed that he was at his wits end with the boy and needed backup, so Varka was happy to make a visit.
“G-grand master Varka! What a pleasant surprise! Here, sit, I’ll fetch you a bowl-”
Varka put a fatherly hand on Illuga’s shoulder. “I need you to take a deep breath, kiddo. And then I would be more than happy to try your soup.”
Illuga was vibrating, but he willed himself to calm down a bit with Varka’s presence. He took a deep breath in, held it, and exhaled. He did feel a little better after that.
“Thank you. I…yeah. Just, thank you.” He fetched a bowl of Lohikeitto for the knight and set it in front of him, waiting with bated breath.
Varka took a spoonful of soup, and his eyes widened. He took another spoonful and then resisted the urge to drink it all in one gulp. He had to savor this.
“You sure you want Lohen? If I get to come home to this every day, I’ll happily take his place. I’ll even do your paperwork.”
Illuga couldn’t help but smile at that, and shook his head. “While I will not deny you would make a wonderful mate, I think that Flins has become quite taken with you, and I can’t deprive him of that.”
Varka grinned. “We could share.”
Illuga laughed, and took a seat across from Varka. “I am set on Lohen, but I appreciate the gesture. So, you liked it? Any notes?”
Varka took another spoonful, and then happily relaxed into his chair.
“Illuga, this is the best damn thing I’ve had to eat since I got here. It feels like I’m back home, but with the spices of the north. I think it’s perfect.”
Despite the compliment, Illuga still had a sense of unease.
“You’re sure? There’s really nothing you would change?”
Varka watched him with a look that actually showed his age and maturity for once. “The only thing I want to change is your self-confidence.”
Illuga physically moved back at that, surprised. “I beg your pardon?”
“I mean it when I say this is the best thing I’ve eaten in Nod Krai. You have had no less than 20 lightkeepers try it, and I hear you were already pretty good at it beforehand. What makes you so nervous?”
Illuga felt like he was walking into an oncoming sumpter beast. “Uhh…I don’t know? It just…it needs to be perfect.”
Varka’s gaze softened. “Why does it need to be perfect?”
“So Lohen will like it.”
“So why hasn’t the approval of 20 plus people made you any less nervous?”
The sumpter beast felt like it was getting closer. “Because…they’re not Lohen. So I still don’t know if he’ll like it.”
“And yet you keep having people that aren’t him test it because…?”
Illuga felt a tear hit his lip before he realized he was crying. “I…I don’t know.”
Varka got up and walked over to the boy, and opened his hands to offer a hug. Illuga took it without a second though, sobbing into Varka’s clothes. “I don’t think this is about the soup.”
The lightkeeper shook his head. “No…”
“What is this really about, then?”
Illuga shoved his face a little deeper into Varka’s abdomen. “What if he hates it, and then he hates me and thinks I’m not good enough for him, and then he leaves?”
Oh, this poor boy…
Varka had seen a lot of shit, but he had years to process it and move on. Illuga had seen a lot of shit, never processed it, and took on high demand responsibility roles to run away from his trauma.
“Is the reason you never courted anyone before this because you were scared of this?”
Illuga nodded. “They all leave…they always leave…everyone leaves, and eventually you’ll all go back to Mondstadt and I’ll just be here, chasing a memory on the wind.”
Varka gently rubbed his back. He wondered if Nikita ever did this, or if it was against their cultural norms. It seemed like Illuga had a lot of emotion to work through.
How could he not? He has never once stopped according to everyone around him, and he keeps piling on more trauma.
Well thankfully, Varka was a giant teddy bear in human form, so he was happy to take on that role for Illuga in the short term.
“You’ve been through a lot, kid. You’re allowed to be scared. But listen, and look at me when I say this,” He watched as Illuga looked up at him with watery eyes. “Things will change, and people will come and go, but you will persist despite it all. You already have.”
He paused, and sighed with exasperated fondness.
“And if you’re worried about Lohen specifically…please trust that he is just as nervous as you.”
“...Really? Lohen gets nervous?”
Varka laughed. “When he really cares about something, he gets nervous like you wouldn’t believe.”
---
Varka had hoped that starting to date Illuga would calm Lohen down. He was wrong. His mania just manifested itself in different forms.
He had seen Lohen pitch a tent covered in blood after 2 days without sleep and it was set up perfectly without getting any blood on the tent. Now, when Lohen was trying to set up a tent, it barely kept itself up.
Varka had been watching it happen from afar and was debating if trying to help would make things better or worse. While Varka was able to provide fatherly comfort for most people, it was like lighting a bomb when it came to Lohen.
Of course he wanted to help. Every bone in his body wanted to help. But he also encouraged this relationship in part to help Lohen feel comfortable in his own skin for once, and for whatever reason, Varka made him act like a feral cat.
Flins made himself known next to Varka, and watched Lohen with him before offering commentary. “So yours is just as much of a mess as mine?”
“Yep.”
The fae sighed. “These two…they don’t know how to do anything without overcomplicating it.”
Varka looked over to Flins with bags under his eyes. “D’ya know who of all people came to me to complain? Childe. Lohen has been such a mess during training that Childe of all people cried uncle.”
Flins’ eyebrows raised in surprise. “Is that so?”
“Sure is."
Varka looked back over to Lohen.
“I think they might just have to go through this on their own, as much as we want to help.”
Flins sighed, but nodded in agreement.
---
Childe had found his way to The Flagship, sat next to Varka, and ordered the largest glass of firewater he had ever seen. He downed half of it in one go.
“Is this what it was like for other people when I got together with Zhongli? Was it this exhausting?”
Varka wasn’t sure, but if he had to guess, probably.
Childe slumped onto the counter.
“I can’t…I can’t keep doing this. Lohen is making stupid mistakes and I might actually hurt him if this keeps up.” He took another swig of alcohol.
“I don’t want to cause permanent damage to your Vice Captain, both because it would give Pulcinella a heart attack, and because I’d lose my best sparring partner. He is otherwise improving so quickly. I’ve been really impressed.” Childe finished his glass, and slammed it on the table before asking for another giant mug of firewater.
“That’s why this pisses me off. I wanted him to get that lightkeeper dick and be a badass warrior but if I’d known this would be the result, maybe I would have skipped the first part.”
Varka couldn’t help but laugh at that.
“Hello to you too.”
Childe groaned. “I can’t do the diplomacy act today, you’ll have to forgive me.”
“No judgement here. Things are that bad?”
The harbinger nodded. “Things are that bad. Zhongli is temporarily out of stasis pacing like a madman because he’s worried about me.”
Varka whistled. “Damn. That’s pretty bad.”
Childe finally looked over at Varka instead of into his glass. “Has he ever been on a date before? Like, ever?”
Varka considered, and shook his head. “He’s always been kind of a loner. He only sought out other people when it was clear he couldn’t do what he wanted alone, had a purely transactional relationship, and then went back to being a loner.”
“He didn’t even do a courtesy date before taking a heat partner?”
Varka scratched the back of his head sheepishly. That one was probably partially his fault. “Nope.”
Childe muttered something in Snezhnayan that was probably a curse word of some sort.
“Alright, well, I have to tap out. Send a letter to the base when he’s stable, and I am more than happy to keep working with him, but I can’t do this right now. Not when I might actually harm him and when it’s starting to affect my husband.”
Varka didn’t realize Childe had limits, and was honestly pretty impressed that he said something.
“Alright, I’ll let him know. Thanks for looking out for him until now, I think you are able to get through to him better than me for whatever reason.”
Childe looked at him with those lightless eyes, seeming like he was staring through his soul, but chose not to respond, swirling a finger in his glass instead.
Damn, no snark. This is a Code Lawachurl.