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In hindsight, nothing earthshaking had happened. It was a normal Tuesday morning, a normal school day, a normal hang out on the rooftop.
And just as normal, Yu had brought lunch for everyone. Leftovers, he'd explain, from his dinner the evening before that got out of control. "I got carried away," he'd say, which meant, "I like cooking with my little sister so much that I got distracted."
His initial excitement dimmed, though, once he found out there was tofu involved, yet he had gotten to a point where he'd suck it up and eat anything if it was his partner who cooked it.
Now, Yosuke Hanamura was known to be expressive to a fault so if he didn't like something it showed, but in that moment he tried his best to control any sort of obvious facial display of grimace.
And his show of restraint would've worked on anyone who wasn't Yu Narukami, since his partner always knew. Somehow.
As such, Yu's low voice called out to him.
"Don't worry, yours is special."
He took the bento box right from Yosuke's hands and opened it for him, a proud yet small smile slid his way on his lips as he did so.
The lid revealed a completely different lunch. It didn't look like leftovers – not that the other's did, because Yu's cooking was always that good — but something made separately.
"Partner, you–"
"I know you hate tofu, so I figured I'd change the recipe for you."
Yosuke gapes.
"Change the recipe… Yu, this is a different dish."
The other boy simply shrugged, as if his actions weren't completely absurd.
"Aw, c'mon Narukami! You always spoil him," Chie butted in, having apparently heard the conversation and stolen a glance at Yosuke's special bento.
"Do I now," Yu hummed, a monotone sound. The one he used when bullshitting his way through situations.
Subconsciously, Yosuke was aware they're still talking, still bickering. He knew the rest of the IT was giving their own two cents to the conversation. He knew it slowly turned into something they were all giggling about, the fact that Yosuke is Yu's favorite (not counting Nanako, of course). He knew.
Yet all he could hear was static. His eyes and overall attention were glued to the nicely organized, tofu-less bento.
The box's orange, too, he noticed.
The realization made the feeling in his stomach, the one that felt so, so deadly enchanting to the point he wanted to get up and throw up worse.
His mouth was dry and all of the sudden the simple act of gulping felt like an herculean task.
He took a moment, then began eating. Slowly. He paid careful attention to every single bite.
It's delicious. He knew it'd be.
It was Yosuke's insides that left a bitter after taste and made the texture feel like ash.
"Are you alright?"
The bike's tires halt on the gravel when Yu called for him. He froze, then turned to his partner, feeling small under his concerned gaze.
"Sorry," Yu raised a hand, looking apologetic, "it's just… you've been acting weird since lunch. You kept drifting off the rest of the day and kept to yourself, too. Did something happen?"
Yosuke blinked.
He knew exactly why he kept to himself. It's because if he hadn't, he would've started screaming the wrong, mean things his head was repeating on loop. He'd start sweating cold sweat as he stared at Yu's back in class, his hands would tremble and he'd have trouble taking notes.
He'd take that orange bento box and smash it to the ground, stomping on it until it either turned to dust or his feet start to hurt.
It was just a dumb lunch and that was it. It should've stopped there, right?
No.
No, because of course Yu had to be so attentive of what to make so that Yosuke specifically would eat even if it meant preparing something from scratch. He just had to be mindful about his mood and seek him out to check on him.
No one had ever cared that much for him and the feeling was overwhelming.
One could argue that Yu treated all his friends with the same level of sensitivity, which was undoubtedly correct — yet it made Yosuke feel different.
Was it the fact that Yu, sarcastic or not, paraded his favoritism like it was the most natural thing in the world? Was it because it was so easy for him, to care for Yosuke?
Was it because, maybe, it made Yosuke feel special? Because he liked it? Because he liked—
His grip on his bike's handles tightened to the point where his fingers became pale.
That same acidic bile was threatening to enter his throat again, begging to be set free as if Yosuke didn't know that, were he to throw up, nothing would come out.
"Yosuke?"
He gasped, backtracking a step or two and almost tripping in the process.
He hadn't replied, which he didn't realize, and as much as he didn't wanna look at his partner it was impossible not to catch his usually sharp eyes soften by the sheer quantity of his consideration.
"Sorry," he managed to croak out.
"There's no need," Yu immediately jumped in, which made Yosuke feel even more like an asshole somehow. "It's okay. Just, what's wrong?"
Stop it. Scream at me. Punch me. Insult me. Spit on me afterwards. Be like anyone else. Make this easier for me.
"It's nothing, really. It's just one of… those days, I guess," he shrugged instead, finally relaxing his hands as they were starting to hurt.
"Are you sure?"
"Positive."
He hoped his tone was not as dry and bitter as he felt it was. Even if it felt terribly gratifying, Yu didn't deserve to deal with his shit. Not again.
He decided he didn't wanna stick around to watch Yu's face fall as he inevitably caught on, because if he saw that then he'd start to get vile and defensive and he liked to think that he grew enough during the past few months to know it wasn't appropriate.
Or maybe it was just something he felt the need to refrain because it's Yu he could hurt in the process.
"Listen, I'm okay – trust me." He hurried on his bike, clearing his throat, "nothing to wrap your head around, it'll be gone by tomorrow and I'll be on my A-game once again–"
"Yosuke, that's not–"
"–so I'll see you then, yeah? Bye, Yu."
"Partner–!"
It wasn't that often that Yu called him that. That fluttery feeling felt more like a punch to the gut.
Or perhaps it was the force of the air hitting his face whilst he pedaled away until his lungs ached.
He threw the front door open in a haste, launching his keys in the ceramic plate laying on the cupboard next to the entrance. The sound the impact made was so loud that, were it a different circumstance, he would've stopped to check if he had somehow broken it, not wanting his mom to tear him a new one.
Instead he made a beeline towards the upstairs floor, thanking any higher power that his mother somehow didn't seem to notice him yet and that both his father and Teddie were still on the clock.
He took the stairs two step at a time, surprisingly succeeding, and ran towards the bathroom. Once he made it in he shut the door close and locked it, making sure the key turned twice.
He sighed, and it was pathetic even to his own ears.
He stood there for a beat, just staring at the wooden door, until he carefully parted from it.
The bathroom was dimly lit. In his dumb hurry, he forgot the light bulb broke the night before and his dad still needed to check it out.
The only source or light was an emergency light his mom had momentarily put on the mirror that turned on when motion was detected and just as Yosuke noticed it, it went off, leaving him in the dark.
He walked to the mirror and waved a hand animatedly, making it light up again, and once his vision comes back he's met with his own subdued reflection on the glass.
He looked… tired. And a bit crazy. Like mad kind of crazy. His hair was usually a rats' nest — the description a courtesy of Chie — but as he looked at himself he thought, in that moment, it was mora than a flattering way to put it.
Was it for the wind or for the amount of times he pulled it?
Didn't matter.
He moved to turn on the sink, washing his hands before splashing some water on his face. He didn't immediately get up, entranced by the way the droplets fell from his cheeks and jaw, a somewhat calming sight.
He reached out to pick up the towel on the towel bar, drying himself and getting lost in that comfy texture.
He sighed through the material, his eyes turning unfocused while he put the towel back in its place.
Looking up to see his reflection, he's met with something he should've been more surprised to see.
Himself.
Well, himself. Glowy, yellow eyes included.
He didn't freak out, didn't ask questions as to how exactly he was here, how it could be possible outside of the TV.
He did none of that. He simply stared, expectantly. Resigned.
"You look worse than when I beat your ass."
"Thanks, uh, Jiraiya? I… guess?"
"What, no crying and wailing? No running away? There's a reason why I'm here, y'know."
"…I know."
His shadow had the nerve to seem awfully displeased by his answer even though his whole thing was pressuring Yosuke into admitting things.
"You're so annoying. You think you know, but you don't really, do you? Otherwise I wouldn't be here."
Yosuke gulped. He didn't wanna think about it. If he thought about it, closed his eyes and let himself feel, then he would see it and it would've become something tangible he couldn't run away from.
He shook his head with enough force to give him whiplash, chasing the thoughts away.
"You're wrong. I do know, I am aware of… everything. There's no need for you to be here. In just a moment, I'll–"
"Repress it, mull it over, lock it so deep it inevitably turns into resentment."
Yosuke didn't reply.
"But you don't want to, do you? You don't want to just forget about it, because deep down it feels right for once."
His shadow continued, his eyes which were always smug and unamused morphed into something uncharacteristically stern. Intense.
"It makes you happy, complete even. You haven't felt this content in… well, ever, have you? And it's all because of–"
"Please," Yosuke whispered, his fragile voice interrupting his other self, "don't. Not out loud."
Jiraiya snorted. "What are you so afraid of? Sayin' it won't change what you already feel! It's been there for a while anyway, don't tell me a dumb bento was your turning point. How dense can you be?"
"I'm not dense. I'm just–"
"A coward, yes. We've established that."
The shadow stopped for a moment, then he started cackling. "Oh, but other than that… you're terrified, aren't you? Not only of how much you feel or because it's wrong or whatever – you're ashamed."
Yosuke sucked in a breath. Jiraiya continued, merciless.
"You're embarrassed because how could you feel so much for someone like that? How dare you taint such a soul or even hope it could somehow be okay for you to desire something like that. You don't deserve it. You two walk the same path now, but give it some time and–"
"Shut up," Yosuke trembled.
"– it won't be like that anymore. All that favoritism, gone. All because you decided you wanted to reach out and stain everything–"
"No, it's not like that!" Yosuke finally let out. His eyes were shiny with tears, wet beads filled with both embarrassment and fury. "It's not. I know it isn't.
No matter how I feel, rationally I know it won't change anything between us. It's – I wouldn't taint anything, because no matter how dirty I am inside he would never let me walk alone in this."
The shadow kept quiet, his face suddenly blank while Yosuke poured his heart out.
"He's not like that, he's not like anyone I've ever met and that's what makes him so damn special to me. He's a good person, the best person, to a fault, even! No one has ever cherished me as a friend, as a confidant before – we're equals, him and I, we understand each other. And that's why I like him so much it makes me go crazy!"
Silence.
A sob.
A dam breaking.
"I like him. I like him so much. I'm so fuckin' gross. I feel so gross I can't even feel my legs anymore. He's so important to me."
He felt like throwing up. His stomach is all over the place. His breathing turned erratic.
"Fuck. I like him. I really, really do."
He slid down to the floor, his body succumbing to his emotions as he lets himself go.
"I'm terrified. I don't wanna feel like this, but how can it be so wrong when he makes me so happy? I don't want it to stop. No, I want it to go away. I don't– I need it gone. Why hasn't it gone away already?"
Through his panic, he didn't catch the shadow slowly dissolving into nothing as if he wasn't ever there, clearly content with Yosuke's demise.
"I'm sorry. I'm so sorry. I don't want it to turn into resentment, I could never hate him and leave him alone. I'm sorry."
He rocked himself back and forward, eyes wide and staring into the dark since the emergency light turned off.
All the walls he put up, the false bravado, the comments and the snarky remarks – everything he did to hide and shield himself came crashing down like a bucket of ice cold water. He felt so uselessly weak and wimpy. That's why he felt so ashamed, among other things.
And to think he let all of this in while staying side by side with him. What a joke.
What would the others think? Oh, what would poor Kanji say? Would he beat him up? Yosuke wished he would.
What about his parents? His father? Or if… if the town were to know…
He gagged. He put a hand on his lips and pressed it tight.
He laid there sobbing for what felt like eons, until he heard his phone buzz in his pocket.
And again.
And again.
And again—
He snatched it from his pocket, scared it was his mother who heard him and was checking on him or worse, dad calling to ask for help at Junes.
But, no.
Nothing of the sort.
partner !!!!!
>> Hey.
>> I know you probably want space, you always do when you feel like this and I… respect it.
>> (Although I wish you'd let me in but that's for another time.)
>> Nanako asked me about you and I told her you were feeling a bit sad, so we decided to make you this.
>> (A picture of the three of them, definitely drawn by Nanako. They were all holding hands, Yosuke in the middle. They're on what looks to be a field with two orange flowers on each side of the paper.)
>> I did the colouring. Lol. Nanako scolded me cause I went a tad outside the left flower's lineart. They're orange, too, I deliberately and stubbornly asked permission for them to be.
>> Be sure to visit soon, Nanako can't wait to give it to you in person. I hope you have enough space on your wall next to all the drawings she made you so far.
>> Anyway, I won't spam you anymore. Get well soon, partner. I'll be here when you're ready. :-)
The screen slowly turned blurry and shaky as the tears made yet another appearance and Yosuke's hands began to tremble around their grasp on the device.
Alongside the heavy sniffling, though, Yosuke started laughing. A weak laugh, but laugh nonetheless.
A small, flickering yet persistent flame lit up in Yosuke's stomach, turning the icy cold throb into something more bearable.
"I like you so much."
It stung like a motherfucker, yes, but it finally started to feel like liberation.