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“Settle down, everyone. SETTLE. DOWN.”
Special Week stood on an overturned milk crate in the middle of the main hall, folding chairs arranged around her in a semicircle.
Tokai Teio sat beside Mejiro McQueen. Gold Ship yanked McQueen’s tail hairs and feigned innocence whenever McQueen turned. El Condor Pasa, Grass Wonder, and Silence Suzuka sat behind them.
Daiwa Scarlet and Vodka stood off to the side, preoccupied with each other.
The room quieted down.
“Finally, it’s like herding foals,” Spe said. “Listen up. We’ve been reborn. However, that comes at a price.”
McQueen stood. “Prices are trivial to a Mejiro such as myself. I was the first Umamusume to earn a billion yen.”
“I had a billion too, McQueen,” Spe said.
“I had one-point-three,” Vodka chimed in from the back.
“One-point-four,” Gold Ship said with a grin.
McQueen’s ears flicked back. “W-Well yes, but I was the first.”
“That doesn’t really count for much though, does it?” Teio asked. “I mean, when it comes to affording things.”
McQueen sat back down.
“Also, irrelevant.” Spe smacked a stack of papers against her palm. “These are our scripts for the roles we need to play. You act like an anime girl, you earn your second life. Simple.”
“And if we don’t?” Gold Ship asked.
“We get expelled.”
“Meaning...?”
“I don’t know and I don’t want to find out.” Spe hopped off the milk crate, distributing the scripts to the group. “We have a lot to cover—”
Gold Ship snickered.
“—very mature, Gold Ship. Take one and pass it around.”
“Do I get to play a miracle?” Teio asked. “I’m great at miracles!”
“Or breaking legs,” McQueen muttered.
“Paging Doctor Pool,” Teio sang. “Doctor Roy Pool.”
“Touché, Teio. Touché...”
“You play what the script says,” Spe said, flipping hers open.
Scripts rustled as everyone turned to the first page.
“You see here, I play...” She squinted. “I play...”
The other Umamusume stared blankly at her.
“None of us can read, can we.”
Spe returned with a new stack. “Okay. These are translated so we can read them.”
“But if we can’t read at all,” El began, “how would a translation—”
“We just can, okay?” Spe snapped, tossing a script at her. “Listen as I read your parts.”
El flipped through her script. “Let’s see what role they have for the great El Condor Pasa, the challenger of the—” She adjusted her mask. “El-chan?!”
The other Umamusume snickered.
El jumped to her feet. “This is an affront! I am the world challenger!”
“We all have one, deal with it and stop reading ahead,” Spe said. “I’m the earnest and beloved protagonist. See? This is why I’m in charge. I’m the most important.”
“Unless it’s the Arima Kinen,” Grass said.
“Quiet, chestnut.”
Spe flipped a page. “Tokai Teio, the—”
Teio read hers. “Miracle girl who breaks her legs three times. Aww, I gotta break my legs again?”
“Stop reading ahead, I’m the—” Spe said.
“Chaotic, nonsensical, show-host.” Gold Ship grinned. “I like this place! I wanna be the scene director!”
“No, Gold Ship,” Spe said.
“You can’t be the hero and the director! I wanna I wanna I wanna—”
“Okay, fine! You can help.” Spe turned a page. “The next section has our ships.”
“Ships?” Teio asked.
“Relationships.”
Everyone went quiet, puzzled.
“A relationship?” Gold Ship asked. “But usually we just take ’em to the shed and—”
“I know, I know,” Spe said. “But it’s part of being an anime girl. It’s what the fans want. You need to learn to be romantic and sweet and kind and not talk about the shed.”
“That’s your five-million-yen loss—”
“Gold Ship, please—”
“—per session,” she finished with a wink.
Spe sighed and flipped her script to the next page.
“Look, just play along. We’re idols now and the fans want to see us kiss. For example my ship is—” She held it closer. “No... No, this— this can’t be right.”
Spe lowered the script. “I’m supposed to be... Silence Suzuka’s star-struck roommate who calls her Suzuka-san and fawns over her constantly.”
“Hah! Ahaha! Y-You and— Ahaha!” Gold Ship fell out of her chair.
Spe glared at Suzuka. Suzuka glared back.
“Yeah, keep glaring at me with those beady little chestnutty eyes, see what happens,” Spe said.
“I’m supposed to be deeply in love with Special Week and jealous she only has eyes for Silence Suzuka,” Grass chimed in.
“Two chestnuts?!” Spe recoiled. “I am the Supreme Commander of Japan. I will not be double-teamed by a pair of chestnuts!”
“You said we have to play our roles,” Grass said with a smile. “The protagonist sounds like a big role to fill. Or, in your case, be filled.”
“Keep your Wonder to yourself,” Spe hissed.
“And I’m yearning for Grass as she chases Special Week,” El finished. “Dios mío, are we just one big love quadrangle?”
“It would seem so.” Suzuka leaned back in her chair. “At least I’m at the front. Where I belong.”
“Unless it’s the Tenno. Then you’re at the back,” El said.
“I was at the front.”
“And then you weren’t.”
“You didn’t have a stomachache. And then you did.”
“Colic isn’t a stomachache, it’s—”
“McQueen and I have a deep relationship built on mutual hardship and struggle,” Teio recited as the others bickered in the background.
“We go on dates to festivals, dances, and are inseparable rivals,” McQueen said. “This seems... odd.”
“Yeah!” Teio agreed. “McQueen was always super chummy with Sunday Silence. Weirdly close. Like—”
McQueen sighed wistfully.
“—weirdly close.”
“Sunday was good—”
“—company, yeah, you’ve said.” Teio read the script again. “Plus ‘rivals,’ really? We only raced once.”
“And I won. By ten lengths,” McQueen said. “Hardly a challenge.”
“Nine-point-seven-five,” Teio shot back. “On your turf. I almost won.”
“But you didn’t.”
“At least I came back from my injury.”
McQueen was silent.
“Sorry,” Teio said, ears flat. “That was uncalled for.”
“Hm. Would you like to try again?” McQueen’s eyes glinted. “There’s a track outside.”
Teio sat up, grinning. “Only if you’re ready to lose!”
McQueen’s tail swished. “Then I shall give you another lesson in endurance.”
Their chairs clattered to the ground as the two darted off before Spe could stop them.
Spe turned to Daiwa and Vodka. “Do you two have your roles figured out yet?”
“Yep.” Vodka gave a thumbs up. “I’m deeply in love with my rival, Daiwa Scarlet.”
Daiwa nodded. “And I am deeply in love with my rival, Vodka.”
“Are you—” Spe frowned. “Are you quoting the script? Because the way you said that doesn’t sound like you’re quoting the script.”
“We’re quoting the script,” they said at the same time. They looked at each other.
“In fact we’re gonna—” Daiwa began.
“—go cover our lines right now,” Vodka finished.
“...Right. Good dedication to the role?” Spe couldn’t tell how much of that had been in the script.
Daiwa and Vodka ran off toward the dorms.
“Okay, Suzuka-san and Spe-chan,” Gold Ship called. “Director Golshi calls, ACTION!”
Gold Ship sat in a folding chair, clapperboard in hand.
“This is stupid,” Spe said. “We never even met. Why would I be in love with her?”
“And we’re related,” Suzuka noted.
“We’re Umas,” Gold Ship said. “Our family tree is already a wreath.”
The others murmured in agreement.
“Just pretend to love each other, I believe in ya!” El said.
Gold Ship smacked the clapperboard together again. “I said ACTION!”
Spe turned toward Suzuka. “Suzuka-san, you’re so...” She grimaced like she’d bitten into a lemon. “Pretty. For a chestnut.”
“Special Week,” Suzuka said. “You’re so bright and optimistic. For a slow runner.”
“It’s called a late-surger.”
“Yeah. Late. Slow.”
“I set a course record,” Spe snapped.
“I set two.”
“I set mine at the Autumn Tenno. What was your record in that one, Suzuka?”
“My first thousand meters were—”
“Irrelevant,” Spe continued, “because you couldn’t make it to the fourth corner without ending up as a memorial stone.”
Suzuka’s ears went flat. She began pacing in left-handed circles.
“Oh, great, and now she’s set to her spin-cycle,” Spe said. The others were staring at her. “What? How am I the bad guy here?”
“It’s just, the whole chestnut thing,” El began. “Are you insecure or—”
“I am not insecure I am literally the protagonist—”
“—cause I get it, you’re not as accomplished as, say, me—”
“—oh you want to compare records? I am the face of our generation!”
“How many French G1s do you have?” El asked.
“How many Montjeus have you beaten? Because last I checked— eeEEP!”
Spe shrieked as Grass Wonder’s hand touched her shoulder. “Get AWAY from me, chestnut!”
Grass smiled. “I’m just playing my role.”
“Your role is to be the unrequited yearner.”
“I do feel very unrequited right now.”
“Good. Go be unrequited further away.”
Grass laughed softly and returned to El.
“And CUT!” Gold Ship called. “Yeah, we’re gonna need a few more takes. Spe, the whole inspiring protagonist thing doesn’t work when you keep insulting everyone.”
“They’re chestnuts!”
“Gotta take one for the team, Spe,” Gold Ship said. “Or, in your case, two.”
Gold Ship laughed and ducked as Spe threw a chair at her. “You guys sure are the stuff-throwingest generation.”
“We’re taking a break!” Spe said. “I’m going to find Teio and McQueen. They’ll do the next scene.”
Spe stepped outside by the track and took a deep breath. The warm sun and scent of turf on the breeze were therapeutic after enduring two chestnuts.
She almost tripped over Tokai Teio.
Teio lay on the ground, panting and flushed. Her clothes were rumpled, her training jacket riding up, her ponytail undone, and her hair strewn across her face.
McQueen leaned against the rail, breathing hard but steadily.
“Great,” Spe said, looking at Teio’s prone form. “Did Teio already break her legs again?”
McQueen smiled at Spe. “No, Teio simply challenged me to a contest of stamina. She lost.”
“Igagaga...” Teio babbled from the ground.
“Indeed,” McQueen agreed, glancing at Teio before looking back at Spe. “I reminded Teio of her place.”
Spe frowned. The training track was only 800 meters. “You ran on this track?” Spe asked.
“We had a contest of stamina, yes.”
“That— Why do you keep saying it like that?”
McQueen adjusted her cravat and smoothed her skirt. “Do look after her for me, will you?”
“Wait, we need you for the—” Spe called, but McQueen was already around the corner.
Spe looked down at the boneless puddle at her feet that was Tokai Teio.
“I don’t suppose you’re good to help?”
“...can’t feel... my legs...”
“How far did you two even run?”
“...an hOUR!” Teio squeaked.
“That’s... not a distance.”
“I am getting at least one usable scene today.” Spe dropped two scripts on the cafeteria table. “Executive decision. El, Grass. You’re up.”
Grass smiled. “Are we?”
“Yes. Together.” Spe pointed at opposite ends of the table. “El yearns for Grass. Focus on each other.”
Gold Ship raised the clapperboard. “Condor-on-Chestnut Action, take one!”
“Don’t call it—”
Clack.
El swept her jacket aside. “Grass Wonder! The world challenger has crossed oceans and returned to claim your heart!”
“How flattering,” Grass said. “Though my type is someone I’ve already beaten. Twice.”
“STOP.” Spe lowered her script. “You’re talking to El.”
“I was,” Grass said.
“You were talking about me.”
“I could have been talking about Stay Gold.”
“She could’ve,” El agreed.
Gold Ship nodded. “Stego did get around.”
“We both know you weren’t, chestnut.” Spe turned to El. “And you. Yearn harder and act more pathetic. You’re not a conqueror.”
“El Condor Pasa does not yearn.”
“You’re supposed to want her, not already own her.”
“Qué? I don’t own her?” El asked.
“No!”
“Then what have we been rehearsing for?”
Gold Ship clapped her hands. “Strong first take, El discovers consent.”
“Winning a person isn’t romance,” Spe said.
“Winning makes people like you,” El said.
“No, it makes them resent you for twenty-seven years!”
Grass nodded. “Sometimes longer.”
“You stay out of this. Take two. El, gentler. Invite her somewhere.”
El took Grass’s hand. “Grass Wonder. Come to my room.”
“No,” Spe said.
“I haven’t said why,” El protested.
“I don’t think I want you to.”
“It’s to examine my trophies.”
“Fine, that can—”
“Closely.”
“Stop.” Spe pinched the bridge of her nose. “Take three. Grass, you do it. Show her what yearning looks like.”
Grass met El’s eyes. “Wanting someone beyond your reach can be painful. Especially when she’s only four centimeters away.”
El paused. “Isn’t that the distance you beat Spe by in the—”
“Pick. A. Different. Distance.” Spe ground out.
“It’s a meaningful distance,” Grass said with a smile. “Lengths have a great deal to do with who… finishes. Satisfied.”
“Stop using lengths like that!”
“How would you prefer I use my length?”
“This is the reunion event all over again,” Spe groaned.
Gold Ship leaned forward in her chair. “I’m learning so much.”
Spe stood behind the chair. “Take four. Common ground. You both ran the Mainichi Okan. Build from that.”
“Ah, sí. The day El Condor Pasa bested Grass Wonder.”
Grass smiled. “We both lost to Suzuka. It doesn’t count.”
“I finished second. You finished fifth.”
“You lost closer.”
Suzuka nodded. “You were both slow.”
“But we both had our legs!” El threw an arm around Grass and pulled her against her side. “So we can recover together and I will reclaim my decisive lead.”
“You lost your decisive lead to Montjeu,” Grass said.
“Why would you say her name while I’m holding you?”
Grass slipped out from under El’s arm and stepped toward Spe. “My attention is elsewhere.”
“No, it isn’t.” Spe backed up.
“You told me to make my motivation clear.”
“This is all unusable,” Spe said. “Neither of you can follow simple directions.”
Gold Ship checked the shot list. “We did four scenes. I think El and Grass are suitably covered.”
“And stop using that word,” Spe said.
“So now we just need to cover Spe?” Grass asked.
Spe flinched. “Stop.”
Gold Ship nodded. “You’re up, Spe. Time to get covered.”
“No!” Spe said quickly. “Teio and McQueen—”
“Not here.”
“Vodka and Scarlet, then.”
“Also gone. Sit down, Spe. DATE SCENE,” Gold Ship called.
Spe sighed and slowly sat down at the cafeteria table. Silence Suzuka remained standing on the other side.
“...Um,” Suzuka said.
“You’re supposed to sit down?” Spe said.
“Right.” Suzuka stiffly took a seat. “...Now what?”
“‘Now what’?” Spe leaned forward. “You’re acting weirder than usual, chestnut.”
Suzuka drew small left-handed circles on the table with her finger.
“I’ve never...”
“No way,” Spe said. “You’ve never done this before, have you.”
Suzuka looked away. “I never had the chance.”
“I don’t believe this. A chestnut acting like a blushing maiden.”
“I think she is one,” Gold Ship said.
Grass Wonder scooted closer. “I can help, if you want someone with more experience—”
“You do have experience, that’s the problem!” Spe said, her chair lurching as she leaned away.
“Then it should be an easy transition, hmm, Spe-chan?”
“Stop calling me that!”
“But I’m following the script?” Grass scooted even closer. “I know you always preferred people.”
“Because people never tried to—”
“But I’m people now too,” Grass said. “And I must say, you’re even more beautiful in this form, Spe-chan. Your eyes are so—”
“I’M DONE ACTING FOR TODAY!” Spe shot to her feet, knocking her chair over. “Give me the clapperboard, Gold Ship, I’m directing from now on.”
“Why?” Gold Ship asked.
“Because I’m in charge.”
“Yeah, but why?” Gold Ship repeated. “I mean, no offense—”
“Maybe a little,” Grass said.
“—but your whole story is something Oguri Cap already did.”
“That’s not—”
“And you didn’t have an Arima comeback,” Grass said. “Or a triple crown.”
“Because you and Seiun—”
“You never won abroad,” El added. “And my rating was higher.”
“I won the Japan Cup against—”
“My thousand-meter times were faster than yours,” Suzuka said.
Spe’s eye twitched.
“I am the Supreme. Commander. Of. Japan. I—”
“So was Matikanetannhauser, for her Japan Cup,” Gold Ship said.
“She didn’t even race! She got a nosebleed and dropped out!”
“Yeah. But she still had the title. So you’re equal with—”
“Do NOT! Compare me with Matikanetannhauser.” Spe pointed at her. “I’m done. We’ll try this again tomorrow.”
Spe stormed out.
“And there she goes,” El said.
Grass’s eyes followed Spe out, drifting lower.
“Wait, you’re not actually...?” El asked.
“With her?” Grass smiled. “No. But she’s so proud and stubborn and tense around chestnuts. Wouldn’t it be fun to...”
“To what?” El asked.
“…Hehe.”
“That’s not an answer.”
“Isn’t it?”
“Bueno... wanna go into the city and see if they got fried chicken?”
Grass’s ears flicked up. “Kentucky fried chicken?”
“What else?”
Grass stood, smoothing her skirt. “I thought you’d never ask, El. Would anyone else like to come?”
“Yes!” Gold Ship jumped up. “The city must meet Golshi!”
Suzuka looked away. “...I’m going to stay here and train. I want to run.”
Special Week stared into an empty pudding cup in the dorm’s kitchen. Empty cups covered the table beside her.
Scrape. Scrape. Scrape.
Empty. She reached for another.
Vodka strolled into the kitchen in her nightclothes. “Midnight snack?”
“Vodka. What’re you doing up?”
Vodka sat down. “Scarlet wanted me to look for something. Then I saw you sittin’ here.”
“Hm,” Spe said, reaching for another pudding cup.
“Pudding?” Vodka asked.
“Rice pudding.”
Scrape. Scrape. Scrape.
“So... what’s up?” Vodka asked.
Spe set down the pudding cup.
“I’m in charge of a bunch of ex-raceh— raceumas that’ve been turned into anime girls and don’t want to act like it.”
“Ah,” Vodka said. “Yeah, that’d do it.”
Spe rested her chin on her hands. “I just don’t know what to do! They’re a chaotic mess, every one of them thinks they’re the best Uma to ever grace Japan, and on top of that, my ships are with chestnuts! Why can’t they just all listen to me?”
Vodka leaned back.
“You’re an athlete, right, Spe?”
“What? Of course.”
“How long’d you race?”
“Three years.”
“How long’d you stud?”
“Seventeen years, why— Oh. Ohhh. Oh no.”
“Yeah.”
“We’re not a bunch of athletes turned into anime girls.”
“Nope.”
“Most of us spent our lives as—”
“Yup.”
Spe groaned and put her face in her hands. “They want a bunch of ex-studs and broodmares to act like idols and hold hands and sing. This is never going to work.”
“Hey, I’m sure you’ll think of something,” Vodka said, patting Spe on the shoulder.
“At least you’re fine,” Spe said. “Scarlet isn’t bad either. For a ch—”
“Careful.”
“—Chukyo Stakes winner.”
“Really?” Vodka’s expression was flat.
“Would you have preferred I said the other thing?” Spe asked. “What’d she want you to look for, anyways? Maybe I can help you find it.”
“Ah, that. Do ya have any, like, baby oil?”
“Baby oil.”
“Or lotion? Honestly at this point even olive oil would help us—”
“Stop.” Spe put her face back in her hands. “Please, just— stop talking.”