Chapter Text
—
yosano: do any of u have an extra lip gloss rn cos mine ran out
naomi: I have one
yosano: give me
naomi: up in ur ass 🤪🤪
yosano: 🖕🖕🖕
chuuya: I actually have 1
yosano: im at the lab tysm gravity boy ur a life saver
chuuya: np
ranpo: so why is nobody talking about how mr. fancy hat has a lip gloss
yosano: ranpo its 2026 stfu
gin: nonono the smartie is right why does he have a lip gloss
chuuya: can we NOT
gin: he's hiding something
gin: @ranpo DO SMTH
chuuya: what the fuck NO you shitty smart ass istg if u tell them i will tell raccoon guy that u want him to write about tentacle sex
ranpo: FINE
ranpo: just because your lips are crusty asf
yosano: WHAT?? THE HELL???
yosano: RANPO?? TENTACLES??
gin: HELLO WHAT
dazai: pardon
dazai: ranpo I've never taken you for someone like that
ranpo: YOU'VE GOT IT ALL WRONG I SWEAR
ranpo: WHY IS NO ONE RESPONDING TO CHUUYA'S CRUSTY ASS LIPS
yosano: did i hear something
atsushi: ranpo-san what
atsushi: 😭😭😭
yosano: LMFAO PLEASE YOU POOR THING
ranpo: well freaking damn.
naomi: the audacity to corrupt dazai's brother
gin: FR
dazai: as much as i like the idea HE'S NOT.
dazai: and he's been corrupted since day one.
yosano: she meant that in an unbiological way btw
ranpo: guys guys you need to learn how to SHUT THE FUCK UP cause if we speak about this ever again I'm telling my dad that all of u are salivating for him
yosano: ugh fine you ho
dazai: #safe
ranpo: but i can blackmail u on something else 😈
dazai: nevermind.
higuchi: SHIT
gin: higuchi my girl u okay
higuchi: BROOGJKAKAAAHHH
naomi: HELP WHAT'S HAPPENING TO HER
higuchi: GC NOW.
gin: ALR
naomi: OKOKOK
ranpo: they're about to spill some real shit right there
ranpo: @dazai can we sneak
dazai: i'm busy with advance studying
ranpo: 🙄🙄🙄🙄
ranpo: killjoy mf
dazai: also i need a little help,
ranpo: bye
dazai: damn.
gin: heart's been broken so many times... 💔💔
dazai: tf
higuchi: @gin GET BACK IN THE GC
gin: WELL OKAY GIRL PATIENCE
atsushi: i can help you with that dazai-san
dazai: ilysm atsu you're my no.1 supporter
atsushi: ur welcome dazai-san, so what's it about?
dazai: arts project
dazai: i need references cause i'm struggling with just photos right now
atsushi: oh
dazai: you can help with that, right?
dazai: atsu??
atsushi: uhhh
atsushi: so sorry dazai-san i think kyouka needs me
dazai: atsushi???
[hotties]
higuchi: @gin @naomi @chuuya @yosano
yosano: GURL U DO NOT NEED TO PING ME I'M ALREADY HERE
gin: DID SHE CREATE A NEW GC FOR THIS IM CRIN
higuchi: FELLOW HOTTIES
chuuya: why the fuck am i here
higuchi: SRRY ABT THAT CHUUYA
higuchi: IT'S JUST HSFUISCKSKSJDBJS
gin: bestie are you okay?
naomi: clearly SHE'S NOT
higuchi: THIS IS RED CODE
yosano: RED CODE WHWAT NOW
gin: YOOO
naomi: WTFF SPILL THE TEA ☕
chuuya: y'all need to calm down and explain 🖕
higuchi: OKAY KAKAYO
higuchi: SO I WAS READING A BOOK INSIDE THE LIBRARY
higuchi: AND I KID YOU NOT.
higuchi: i saw chuuya's ex crush.
gin: CHUUYA'S EX CRUSH??
yosano: WHGO NOW
yosano: guys i only know shirase is he the ex crush
gin: YES LMMFAOOOO
naomi: THE RIGHT GUESS SLAY
yosano: NO WAY IN HELL
chuuya: OKAY WHAT THE FUCK
gin: this is real shit right here
higuchi: there's more.
chuuya: BITCH
higuchi: THIS FUCKER.
higuchi: he comes up to me, asking how chuuya's been
higuchi: MIND YOU i've interacted once with this boy and never again so THE AUDACITY TO JUST ASK??
gin: DID HE NOT HAVE ANY SHAME AT ALL
yosano: EXACTLY LIKE??
chuuya: WHAT DID YOU SAY THEN?
higuchi: bro i was SO triggered
higuchi: he was acting like he didn't betray your friendship so my hands slipped
higuchi: i slapped him in his mf face PRAISE ME PRAISE THE HEAVENS
gin: HELL YEAH YOU FUCKING GO BESTIE
yosano: #GIRLBOSSHIT
higuchi: i got KICKED OUT of the library for that 🙏🏻🙏🏻🙏🏻
chuuya: THE NERVE TO ASK ABT ME
chuuya: 😭
naomi: shirase having ZERO shame in his life
naomi: he deserves that
gin: ngl he was rlly rlly horrendous
gin: chuuya no offense u have bad taste in men
chuuya: shut the hell UP gin
higuchi: nonono she's right
gin: i remember u having a crush on a guy named roku in middle school 😭😭 snot all up in his face and shi
chuuya: WE DO NOT TALK ABOUT THAT
chuuya: MIND YOU THAT WAS FOR ONE DAY
higuchi: YEAH WITH SNOT ALL OVER HIS FACE
naomi: CHUUYA THIS IS DISAPPOINTING...
yosano: you really need to get some real men chuuya
naomi: feeling bad for him rn he does not deserve MEN in this earth 🙏🏻🙏🏻😘😘
naomi: just know i can treat u better 😍🥰😍
chuuya: i'm gay naomi
chuuya: we all are
naomi: 😡
higuchi: and then chuuya also had a crush on a guy named yui 😍😍
chuuya: THAT LASTED THREE DAYS??
gin: what did u even see in him.. 😕😕
yosano: ur so disappointing gravity boy ☹️
gin: right...
chuuya: i'm not letting u borrow any of my shit ever again
yosano: WAIT NO IMS SOREY
chuuya: fake ass friends
chuuya: unfriended. blocked.
yosano: I GAVE MY SINCEREST APOLOGIWS
gin: oh come on he would never do that to us
gin: the dinosahr species don't match his energy
chuuya: right
chuuya: but u guys are so fucking rude to me today, have fun getting blocked for a day
higuchi: WTF CHUUYA THAT LONG?? 😭😭😭
higuchi: it's not our fault u have bad taste in men anyway
chuuya: blocked.
chuuya: i'm leaving this group chat.
chuuya has left the group.
naomi: HIGUCHI YOU FUCKED UP
higuchi: IM SORRY OKAY?? 😫
yosano: CHUUYA THE LIP GLOSS 💔💔💔
[mafia wannabestc]
tachihara: can someone explain why chuuya is in a bad mood
akutagawa: he just explained to me that higuchi and the rest were being rude to him, so he blocked them.
akutagawa: this might be the conclusion
tachihara: wtf what did u two do to him @gin @higuchi
higuchi: i said he had bad taste in men 😔
gin: we were speaking FACTS
chuuya: 🖕🖕🖕🖕🖕
chuuya: that's for the blocked messages popping up rn
kouyou: they're right though, you have bad taste in men
chuuya: ane-san WHAT THE FUCK
kouyou: when will you pick a decent man?
akutagawa: is there even one?
chuuya: yes thank you akutagawa, speaking all the right things
gin: i raised him
tachihara: that guy with an ushanka
chuuya: DOSTOEVSKY?
chuuya: I MIGHT AS WELL BE DATING THE SEWER ATP
gin: THE STRAY IMFUCKING DEAD
akutagawa: 😭
tachihara: NAUR YOU AIN'T WRONG
kouyou: please never spout that name again
gin: tachihara tell him to pick dazai instead
tachihara: @chuuya gin says you should pick dazai instead
akutagawa: gin don't start this shit again
gin: what?
gin: u can't deny the guy's hot as hell
gin: icl he's SO COOL might as well let him hit 😋😍
akutagawa: tachihara don't.
tachihara: @chuuya she says "what? u can't deny the guy's hot as hell"
tachihara: "might as well let him hit 😋😍"
higuchi: IM DYIINNNGGG
akutagawa: do you not feel any SHAME??
gin: wait he's gay mb
chuuya: wtf gin
tachihara: gin says "wait he's gay mb"
chuuya: WHEN was that bastard gay
higuchi: since day one..? HELLO
tachihara: higuchi says "since day one..? HELLO"
akutagawa: tachihara you look stupid.
gin: wasn't there a photo of him shirtless in the sports' page of our academy's profile
higuchi: TACHIHARA FORWARD IT TO CHUUYA ASAP
kouyou: talk to you all later
tachihara: *forwards the picture*
higuchi: i understand gin now
higuchi: 😍😍😍😋😋
tachihara: LMFAOOOO
higuchi: oh right he's gay
chuuya: ???
chuuya: WAS THIS NECESSARY FUCKING HELL
chuuya: HE WAS NEVER GAY MF FAKE NEWS
gin: i despise his cocky side but the sleeper build shook me 😮💨
akutagawa: gin i wonder how you would react if dazai-san were to witness this
gin: while you're at it can i ask for an autograph
higuchi: BESYIE PLSSSS
tachihara: LMMFAOOAOAO IM CNABT BRETAYE
chuuya: i made a good decision to block them
akutagawa: gin are you my actual sister at this point
gin: 😝🖕
gin: i NEED to know his workout plan
kajii: wtf is happening in here
kajii: hoLY SHIT
kajii: THAT BUILD OF THE PRODIGY??
tachihara: NOT YOU TOO
chuuya: how the FUCK do u guys not know
kajii: no offense he always seemed so lanky
gin: i don't know chuuyaMAYBE BECAUSE WE HAVEN'T SEEN HIS BUILD WAY EARLIER LIKE U DID??
gin: gay mf. tachi tell him that
tachihara: gin says "i don't know chuuyaMAYBE BECAUSE WE HAVEN'T SEEN HIS BUILD WAY EARLIER LIKE U DID?? gay mf"
higuchi: WTH WDYM BY THAG GIN
akutagawa: excuse me
chuuya: it was an ACCIDENT
chuuya: i didn't mean to walk IN his ass while he was taking a shower after his soccer practice.
gin: 🥰🥰🥰 chuuya did u...
chuuya: gin stfu i don't want to hear any more bullshit coming out of tachihara's message
tachihara: 😢
kajii: HOLD.
kajii: her question is kind of important.
higuchi: IAM WHEEZZINNGGG
chuuya: for fuck's sake i'll answer so u can all stfu
chuuya: it looks heavy icl
gin: FUCKIEN NO WAHYYYYYYYY
higuchi: HHHEGHELLOOOOOO
gin: THE TWIST
kajii: can i write this on our school's journalism
chuuya: KAJII WTF NO
kajii: it will be such a hit
akutagawa: can i have the permission to throw up?
tachihara: PELSGAE DO
higuchi: HAGAHBBHSHJUCUAUCUKhcjk
gin: AND THE CROWD CHEERS
akutagawa: the crowd is dead.
tachihara: IM DYINGGGGGG
tachihara: THIS MADE ME LATE FOR CHEMISTRY CLLASSSHG
akutagawa: deserved.
chuuya: akutagawa ur my only option pls agree to study with me
chuuya: now.
akutagawa: no thank u
akutagawa: ask ur boyfrie 🤢🤢
chuuya: FUCK OFF
gin: say that to dazai instead
gin: while you're at it tell him i asked about his workout plan 😘😚
tachihara: gin says
chuuya: tachihara STFU
chuuya: i hate you guys so much
gin: aweee 💗💗
higuchi: chuuya have u ever daydreamed about his dick
tachihara: higuchi says if you've ever daydreamed about his dick
chuuya: .
chuuya: should i leave this one too?
kajii: CHUUYA NAKAHARA NO
tachihara: HGEHAL
chuuya: seeing blocked messages now
gin: CHUUYA??
tachihara: should i be grateful i was only blocked or
akutagawa: you should be.
[operation agency]
ranpo: @dazai i snuck inside the mafia's gc
ranpo: MF u will not beleive what i found there
kunikida: How did you even?
ranpo: bcs of poe
ranpo: and mushitato
yosano: mushitato
ranpo: SHUT UP
yosano: TELL US ALREADY
ranpo: bro
ranpo: they were talking about dazai 😭😭
dazai: i'm getting too famous
yosano: ho
atsushi: dazai-san what did u do to them
dazai: i thought you were busy?
dazai: and i didn't do ANYTHING
dazai: i swear
yosano: let's take a big fat guess
ranpo: idk if this is pos or negative for u but they were talking about ur dick
dazai: .
dazai: PARDON ME.
dazai: what the fuck why??
yosano: ??
yosano: THAT'S A BIG FAT ASS GUESS
yosano: RU KIDDING RANPOOO???
kunikida: Excuse my profanity, what the fuck.
atsushi: NOT DAZAI-SAN 😭😭😭
ranpo: i'M NOT JOKING
ranpo: THE TOPIC JUST LANDED ON U AND SUDDENLY UR SHIRTLESS PIC POPPED UP
ranpo: next thing i knew ur dick was on the topic
dazai: maybe suicide isn't bad after all
yosano: 😭😭
yosano: dazai get ur ass in here we don't want to deal w ur funeral
kunikida: I'm never looking at the Port Mafia the same way ever again.
yosano: THAT CORNY ASS GROUO NAME
naomi: WHWRE DID THEY EVN PICK THAT UP FROM
tanizaki: THE SIWFCHUP
dazai: iirc it was because they all robbed candies in the grocery store back in elementary
tanizaki: suddenly they're the PORT MAFIA
ranpo: MAKEIN ME LAUGHS TOAP
atsushi: do we become operation bad guys if we steal candies too?
ranpo: HHEHLLL ATSUSHI LMMFOOOAOOOO
yosano: THEY SAY WHATEVER THEY WANT TO BE
ranpo: we support fellow delusionals
atsushi: certainly not akutagawa
yosano: did i hear something
tanizaki: DID I JUST SEE LEMON GUY RUNNING AFTER CHUUYA-SAN
tanizaki: HE LOOSJ TROUBLED I CAN'T
atsushi: save chuuya-san for 2026
yosano: he's troubled 🥺🥺
yosano: @dazai go save him knight in shining armour!
dazai: LET'S NOT.
dazai: i'm struggling with art rn okay give me some time 💀
ranpo: #BFGOALS
ranpo: look at them, both in trouble together 🥺🥺
kunikida: Art, you say? @dazai
kunikida: I know someone who can help.
atsushi: kunikida-san is so nice
atsushi: hoping dazai-san ends up alright
ranpo: says the one who ditched helping him
atsushi: did i hear something
yosano: ATSUSHU LMFAOOO
ranpo: atsushu
yosano: bro
dazai: thank you kunikida and atsushi
dazai: sending kudos to my bros ❤
kunikida: While I'm at this, I'll confront the Port Mafia.
ranpo: NO NO KUNIKIDA DON'T
kunikida: Farewell.
yosano: KUNI YOU BETRAYER 🖤💔😭
ranpo: WE FUCKIN DEAD
tanizaki: naur kunikida-san started a war 😰
naomi: we weren't even involved fym..
tanizaki: wait you're right
ranpo: they coming for our asses
yosano: big booties
naomi: hope you all have a happy death day!! 💗💗
yosano: EXUCUSE ME
yosano: NAOMI HELP ME I CAN HEAR THEM
naomi: oh take a look at that its time for me to go gome
naomi: bye everyone!!
yosano: NNOOODJDJJK..Mm m)@/@//)/"?????????.
tanizaki: 😨
ranpo: big booty to her now
ranpo: RIP YOSANO I'M GOING TO POE'S DEPARTMENT DOE HELP
yosano: GWTH RANPO
yosano: GET ME HSRE BITCH
atsushi: rest in pieces yosano-san 🙏🏻🙏🏻
dazai: LMFAO
kunikida: For other concerns, text me later. I'll be busy with Katai in the meantime.
dazai: you and ur bf as always
kunikida: With all kindness, shut the fuck up Dazai you can't even ask him out on a date.
dazai: HOW MANY TIMES.
dazai: AM I GOING TO TELL YOH THAT I WON'T BECAUSE HE'S AN UGLY MF
atsushi: chuuya-san isn't ugly
tanizaki: his red hair stands out
dazai: you're right about that but dating his ass...?
atsushi: you can't date his ass..
atsushi: why do u keep talking about chuuya-san's ass do u wanna eat it or something
ranpo: LMPFOAAOOOOO
ranpo: 💀💀💀
tanizaki: ATSUSHI WHAT
dazai: bye atsu.
dazai: i thought you were my bro
atsushi: but i was just asking.. 😔
yosano: phew
yosano: ok guys i miraculously escaped gin
yosano: anyways lets do some hot girl shit to everyone who's alice 😝😝
ranpo: alice
yosano: ALIVE* FUCK U
dazai: I'm a man unfortunately
ranpo: same unfortunately
atsushi: ^^
tanizaki: 4th unfortunately
yosano: stfu who says men can't do hot girl shit
tanizaki: 😨
ranpo: she's INTO something
naomi: love that idea 😍😍
yosano: AFTET NOT HELPING ME
yosano: but it's okay i accept.
yosano: let's meet at the mall like right now. @everyone
atsushi: kunikida-san won't be coming with us most likely
naomi: my brother still has chemistry class but that's okay 😘😘 whatever it takes to do hot girl shit 🥺
tanizaki: i have WHAT NOW
tanizaki: I'M LATE SORRY I WONT BE COMING WITH YOU ALL
atsushi: GOODLUCKI TANIZAKI 😭
yosano: THE LATE REMINDER PLSS
yosano: GL TANIZAKI
dazai: what does hot girl shit even mean
ranpo: ???
ranpo: fake friend he doesn't know the group code
dazai: no??
dazai: nobody told me about that
atsushi: it basically means
ranpo: atsushi do NOT explain it to him
atsushi: 👍🏻
dazai: WHAT DOES IT MEAN
dazai: hello?
dazai: screw you all
dazai: 🖕🖕🖕🖕
ranpo: also is no one gonna talk about atsugsu saying "rest in pieces"??
ranpo: no one?
ranpo: just me?
ranpo: ok
[dazai > four eyes]
dazai: kunikida my bro
dazai: i need help @kunikida ASAP
kunikida: Dazai, I'm in the middle of something
dazai: ew
kunikida: What is it?
dazai: what does hot girl shit mean
kunikida: Who told you that?
dazai: just answer the damn question
dazai: i'm on my way to the mall because yosano said we're doing hot girl shit
dazai: what does it mean?
kunikida: I wish I could stop you, but this is more important.
kunikida: Giving you the best of luck.
kunikida: Tell me about it later.
dazai: wdym
dazai: YOU HAVEN'T TOLD ME WHAT IT MEANS
dazai: KUNIKIDA??? @kunikida
—