#BostonsBannedBangers

There are many privileges to being the Captain of an NHL team. Respect, better money, fame, and for Ilya Rozanov: the power to ban your teammates from playing shitty songs in your presence, or even banning them from playing songs that remind you of your decade from situationship, who suddenly ended things and replaced you with a movie star girlfriend.

A social media fic in which Ilya goes from occasionally banning songs to banning just about every breakup song in existence, and the internet is really starting to worry about his well-being.

Notes:

(See the end of the work for notes.)

Chapter 1 Notes:

Okay so this chapter is essentially the prequel/ setting the scene I guess? I tried to make all of the songs period accurate so 🤷‍♀️ Formatting for this fic was a bitch. I did format this whole chapter using the complicated accurate twitter workskin, but it kept having errors and was just so much work that I gave up and reformatted it in this easier way. I hope it works 🤷‍♀️🤷‍♀️🤷‍♀️

Enjoy!

(See the end of the chapter for more notes.)

Chapter Text

Boston Raiders @NHLRaiders· 15 Sep 13
That’s a wrap on Rozanov’s first official day as the Captain of the Boston Raiders. Don’t worry, fans, your team is in good hands.

2.1K retweets 817 quote tweets 8.1Klikes

Rachel @PuckDuck1994· 15 Sep 13
I need to know how this photo was taken. Like did the team photographer tell Roz to get on the floor because they wanted a cool artsy shot-
21 retweets 15 quote tweets 371 likes
Rachel @PuckDuck1994· 15 Sep 13
or was he just there? Because I like imagining that Roz’s first demand as Captain was to introduce “floor time.”
19 retweets 24 quote tweets 521 likes
Ryan Carmichael @RCarmichaelNHL· 15 Sep 13
Nah Roz just thought it would look cool. His first demand as Captain was for us to ban the song Rasputin.
927 retweets 251 quote tweets 2.3K likes
Daniel @HolyHatTrick · 15 Sep 13
YOOOO WTF Rozanov! that song is a banger tho
42 retweets 11 quote tweets 201 likes
Frankie @GoesToHollyWoood · 15 Sep 13
I gotta ask. How many times did you inflict Rasputin on that poor Russian that he would make a point of banning it?
62 retweets 49 quote tweets 337 likes
Ryan Carmichael @RCarmichaelNHL· 15 Sep 13
In our defense, we thought he would like it, and we don’t really know any other Russian songs
1.4K retweets 712 quote tweets 1.7K likes
Varya @VaryaKuznetsova · 15 Sep 13
RASPUTIN IS NOT A RUSSIAN SONG! Boney M are German!
612 retweets 102 quote tweets 1.3 likes
Ryan Carmichael @RCarmichaelNHL· 15 Sep 13
Then why the fuck are they singing about some old Russian dude!
917 retweets 255 quote tweets 3.1K likes
Gen @FutureMrsRozanov · 15 Sep 13
Oh no is that song offensive? I’ve literally brought a sign with Roz’s face and the words “Russia’s greatest love machine” to like five games. Roz, baby, I’m so sorry!
31 retweets 9 quote tweets 847 likes
Harry @RaRaRozanov · 15 Sep 13
Oh no… Do I have to change my @? Fuck Roz I’m so sorry
27 retweets 3 quote tweets 812 likes
View all 21 replies
Jackson @JacksonGregs79 · 15 Sep 13
Since when does the team Captain have the right to dictate what music the team plays? Roz needs to learn how things work in America #Freedom #FreedomOfSpeech #GoAwayCommie
19 retweets 38 quote tweets 101 likes
Hannah @HannahMahanna · 15 Sep 13
Literally kys
9 retweets 12 quote tweets 401 likes
View all 31 replies
Jo @GingerAndLenon · 15 Sep 13
If a Russian guy is telling you not to play a “Russian” song then you don’t play it. It’s a matter of respect.
91 retweets 25 quote tweets 532 likes
View all 81 replies

View 827 more replies.

Ilya Rozanov @IlyaRozanov81· 16 Sep 13
Ignore Carmy, he has had too many pucks to the brain to know difference between countries on opposite sides of Europe. Very sad.
2.9K retweets 927 quote tweets 10.2K likes

Ilya Rozanov @IlyaRozanov81· 16 Sep 13
Stop apologising for Ra-Ra Rozanov. Signs are funny, and so is the song, but only the first 200 times you hear it.
3.1K retweets 615 quote tweets 8.1K likes
Ryan Carmichael @RCarmichaelNHL· 16 Sep 13
Fuck off bro! I know where fucking Russia and Germany are.
691 retweets 301 quote tweets 5.2 K likes
Ilya Rozanov @IlyaRozanov81· 16 Sep 13
Okay. Draw me map.
3.1K retweets 615 quote tweets 8.1K likes
Ryan Carmichael @RCarmichaelNHL· 16 Sep 13
no…
917 retweets 634 quote tweets 4.6 K likes
Ilya Rozanov @IlyaRozanov81· 16 Sep 13
This is what I thought.
5.3K retweets 1.8K quote tweets 9.4K likes

Juju @BeeMyBeloved · 17 Feb 14
Maybe #BostonsBannedBangers was the key to the Raiders success bc how else are they playing so much better this season? #BostonRaiders #RasputinGate
19 retweets 9 quote tweets 92 likes

Farah @BostonBeliever· 17 Feb 14
I mean Rozanov has been killing it as captain and has been playing like there’s a fire under his ass since Sochi-
12 retweets 4 quote tweets 57 likes
Farah @BostonBeliever· 17 Feb 14
-Not to mention how indispensable the new trade Ryan Price has been in defense all season, but sure, let's give credit to the absence of one song.
9 retweets 1 quote tweets 49 likes
Cora @RawMeansILYA . 17 Feb 14
No it’s def the songs.
11 retweets 3 quote tweets 71 likes
Cora @RawMeansILYA . 17 Feb 14
Maybe the real Rasputin was haunting them from beneath the grave through that song, and it took banning it to free them.
31 retweets 4 quote tweets 101 likes
Bella @DestielDoomscrolling. 17 Feb 14
Okay but the way I can totally see this being the plot of a #Supernatural episode.
31 retweets 4 quote tweets 101 likes
Juju @BeeMyBeloved · 17 Feb 14
No but fr wonder if Roz has made any other changes to the team playlist 🤔🤔🤔 Everyone tag the Raiders, I wanna know @NHLRaiders
48 retweets 8 quote tweets 111 likes
Juju @BeeMyBeloved · 17 Feb 14
@RyanCarmichael @IlyaRozanov81 @CliffMarleau07 @RyanPriceNHL @VictorStSimonNHL @BHammerSmith @JohanssonNHL @ConnorConnors @RaidersNHL
221 retweets 18 quote tweets 361 likes

Connors² @ConnorConnorsNHL· 17 Feb 14
Im gonna just go ahead and update before Carmichael can embarrass himself again.
So far this season, Roz has also banned Blurred Lines and What Does the Fox Say.
691 retweets 301 quote tweets 5.2 K likes

Gen @FutureMrsRozanov · 17 Feb 14
My Man Roz banning a song bragging about date rape. I know that’s right #ThatsMyMan #IKnowHeWouldTreatMeSoWell

429 retweets 81 quote tweets 1.3K likes
View All 12 replies
Jess @HolyHollander · 17 Feb 14
I love to hate on Rozanov, but you know what, those choices are valid, actually. #FuckBlurredLines #BostonRaiders
429 retweets 81 quote tweets 1.3K likes
View all 9 replies
Holly @HockeyHolly · 17 Feb 14
What tag are we using to talk about this? #BostonRaiders and #CaptainRozanov don’t feel specific enough? How about #BostonsBannedBangers
601 retweets 232 quote tweets 2.8K likes
Tia @PuckBunny89 · 17 Feb 14
I would hardly call Blurred Lines or What does the fox say bangers. Rasputin sure, but the other suck ass.
98 retweets 26 quote tweets 283 likes
Sarah @withANAYTCH · 17 Feb 14
Damn am I the only one who kind of likes that fox song…I mean like ironically obviously, but still.
4 retweets 9 quote tweets 19 likes
Tia @PuckBunny89 · 17 Feb 14
Over the age of 15? Yes.
98 retweets 26 quote tweets 283 likes
Sarah @withANAYTCH · 17 Feb 14
Damn 😞
2 retweets 7 quote tweets 8 likes
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Sebastian St-Simon @StSimonNHL· 11 Jan 15
Roz banned Watch Me (Whip / Nae Nae) :/ #BostonRaiders #CaptainRozanov #BostonsBannedBangers
1.1K retweets 736 quote tweets 3.8K likes

RAIDERS DYNASTY @RANDYRAIDERS · 17 Feb 14
😂 Do you know why Rozanov banned it?
26 retweets 18 quote tweets 122 likes
Sebastian St-Simon @StSimonNHL· 11 Jan 15
Yeah cuz bro hates fun.
482 retweets 211 quote tweets 1.7K likes
Cliff Marleay @MarleauMarlow07· 11 Jan 15
He banned it cuz u and the rooks wouldn’t fuckin stop doing the dance during practice.
1.3K retweets 392 quote tweets 5.4K likes
Sebastian St-Simon @StSimonNHL· 11 Jan 15
I’m a fuckin goalie man, I got a lot of free time to fill while Roz is scoring on the other net.
928 retweets 324 quote tweets 2.1K likes
Cliff Marleay @MarleauMarlow07· 11 Jan 15
Nah I’m with Cap on this one

2.1K retweets 293 quote tweets 4.1K likes
Ben @BennyBoy96 · 11 Jan 15
Why are these grown ass hockey men acting just like my fourteen-year-old kid brother and his mates? 😂#BostonsBannedBangers
18 retweets 3 quote tweets 191 likes
Gwen @HoldUpHollanov · 11 Jan 15
Because Men’s hockey players have the average intelligence of a 14 year old boy? #BostonsBannedBangers
101 retweets 12 quote tweets 422 likes

Hayden Pike @HaydenPike35· 03 Oct 15
I’m bored. Let’s do a Q&A #AskHaydenPike #MontrealMetros #NHL
103 retweets 81 quote tweets 1.2K likes

Evie @MONTREALMADNESS· 03 Oct 15
Is Shane your best friend? #AskHayden
38 retweets 4 quote tweets 212 likes
Hayden Pike @HaydenPike35· 03 Oct 15
Hell yeah he is! #AskHaydenPike
928 retweets 401 quote tweets 3.5K likes
Sonali @ShaneeSunshine· 03 Oct 15
Does Shane have a girlfriend? #AskHaydenPike 👀
102 retweets 27 quote tweets 492 likes
Lily @Lilybear1221· 03 Oct 15
How does it feel to be worse at hockey than your infant daughters? #AskHayden #GirlPower
4 retweets 1 quote tweets 29 likes
Teresa @LittleSpoonShane· 03 Oct 15
What do you think of Shayden? #AskHaydenPike
72 retweets 31 quote tweets 332 likes
FUTURE MRS HOLLANDER @ShaydenPolyamory· 03 Oct 15
What do you think of Ilya Rozanov? Do you hate him as much as Hollander does?
101 retweets 8 quote tweets 281 likes
Izzy @BostonBaby· 03 Oct 15
The way almost all of the replies are about Hollander 😂 bro truly is the sidekick.
15 retweets 21 quote tweets 101 likes
Jeremy @Nmbr1RozanovHater· 03 Oct 15
Fuck off! Pike is a better player than Rozanov ever could be.
16 retweets 4 quote tweets 48 likes
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Jeremy @Nmbr1RozanovHater· 03 Oct 15
What’s your favourite song? 😊 #AskHaydenPike
16 retweets 4 quote tweets 48 likes
Hayden Pike @HaydenPike35· 03 Oct 15
I’ve been loving Mackemore lately. My favourite is probably can’t hold us.
647 retweets 293 quote tweets 3.3K likes
View all 492 replies.

Ilya Rozanov @IlyaRozanov81· 03 Oct 15
Macklemore is banned from Boston #BostonsBannedBangers
4.8K retweets 728 quote tweets 9.2K likes

Laurel @SheKeepsMeWarm· 03 Oct 15
YOOO WHAT DID MACKLEMORE DO????
101 retweets 82 quote tweets 283 likes
Jamie @MotherPucker· 03 Oct 15
Roz if Macklemore ever steps foot in Boston

829 retweets 102 quote tweets 1.5K likes
Allison @AliTheAlly· 03 Oct 15
please tell me this is because Hayden Pike said he likes macklemore and not because Rozanov is homophobic
8 retweets 12 quote tweets 89 likes
Toni @ToniTigerCub· 03 Oct 15
Macklemore is literally straight?
9 retweets 3 quote tweets 45 likes
Allison @AliTheAlly· 03 Oct 15
Yeah but Same Love is an anthem 🌈
31 retweets 11 quote tweets 102 likes

View 827 more replies.

Tina @HatersGonnaHate· 20 Feb 16
@IlyaRozanov81 Can u tell us what song you’re going to ban next? #BostonsBannedBangers
402 retweets 17 quote tweets 938 likes

Ilya Rozanov @IlyaRozanov81· 20 Feb 16
Maybe @ShaneHollanderHockeyPlayer what is your favorite song?
2.4K retweets 1.2K quote tweets 9.1K likes
Shane Hollander @ShaneHollanderHockeyPlayer· 20 Feb 16
It has got to be the Voyageurs goal song. You should be pretty familiar with it by now :)
8.1K retweets 2.4K quote tweets 14.1K likes
Ilya Rozanov @IlyaRozanov81· 20 Feb 16
Your chirping is as bad as your taste in music. Shame, all Voyageurs “songs” are already banned.
2.1K retweets 1.2K quote tweets 10.1K likes

Tina @HatersGonnaHate· 20 Feb 16
OH MY GOD HOW DID I GET BOTH ROZANOV AND HOLLANDER IN MY COMMENT SECTION????

234 retweets 91 quote tweets 917 likes
Stella @MrsSHollander· 20 Feb 16
The way my husband is so petty <3 <3 <3 get his ass, baby.
82 retweets 24 quote tweets 201 likes
Janelle @SHAYDEN4EVER· 20 Feb 16
Omg I don’t know when we last got an actual tweet from Shane that wasn’t clearly obv his social media manager. Of course, it was to chirp his nemesis 😂
142 retweets 18 quote tweets 302 likes
Eliza @PikesPrincess· 20 Feb 16
I love our man’s pettiness, but won’t lie I am a little disappointed we didn’t get to find out his actual favourite song. #ShaneHollander #MontrealMetrosBangersPLS
131 retweets 51 quote tweets 552 likes
Tayla @VoyageursDynasty· 20 Feb 16
I know he’s definitely kidding, but the idea of Hollander’s favourite song just being a glorified goal horn is genuinely hilarious to me. #MyAutisticKing
321 retweets 24 quote tweets 928 likes

Stella @MrsSHollander· 20 Feb 16
He really said:

311 retweets 83 quote tweets 783 likes
View 12 more replies.

View all 1.2K replies.

Jane
06:12 PM
Hollander, reply to my tweet.
Fuck off
What did you say about me this time?
And stop using my real name.
It is innocent! I only tweet to ask what is your favourite song.
Or should I answer for you? 😈
You can’t. You have no way of knowing my favourite song
You are sure?
You forget I know you very very well 😏
I see your tweet. Did you spend whole time trying to think of that instead of sharing real favorite song?
Fuck you, Lily
I think you mean *fuck me, Lily!
sure, maybe after game next week.
🖕
As if I didn’t know it was a set up. Hayden told me all about the macklemore thing.
His life must be very boring in Bostons lockeroom playlist is interesting gossip to him.
You’re an asshole.
Okay, so what’s my “real” favourite song then?
Since you apparently know me so well.
This is easy.
Love Shack by B-52.
Wow, you’re really bad at this.
I don’t even know that song.
But it is so relatable for you! You even bought your own love shack for men to fuck you in!
🖕
You want to know my real favourite song?
Sure.
link
Jane, did you type fuck you in apple music and send me first result?
Maybe

Cliff Marleay @MarleauMarlow07· 03 Dec 2015
Roz has officially banned How to Save Your Life from being played in the locker room or gym cuz it’s “too fucking sad what the fuck” #BostonsBannedBangers
2.1K retweets 501 quote tweets 4.2K likes

Dani @McDreamyCombo· 03 Dec 2015
I need to know how many of the Raiders are Greys Anatomy fans, and if this means Roz watched the latest season?
302 retweets 93 quote tweets 836 likes
Katie @KatieLikesHockey· 03 Dec 2015
Roz is so real for that. I have also banned that song from being played in my presence because I cannot hear it without weeping over Derek Shephard 😭 😭 😭
233 retweets 57 quote tweets 726 likes
Viola @HesNotTheSunYouAre· 03 Dec 2015
I just KNOW that McSteamy is Roz’s favourite character. #BostonsBannedBangers
102 retweets 47 quote tweets 622 likes
Sonya @SonyasAnatomy· 03 Dec 2015
Idk, I think he would be a Callie guy. Like I think he def gives McSteamy vibes, but even a guy as egotistical as Roz probably wouldn’t pick a fav character who’s just him in a lab coat. #BostonsBannedBangers
91 retweets 13 quote tweets 209 likes
Viola @HesNotTheSunYouAre· 03 Dec 2015
Eh I wouldn’t put it past him. You are so right about Callie tho. #BostonsBannedBangers
71 retweets 2 quote tweets 177 likes
View 23 more replies

Ilya Rozanov @IlyaRozanov81· 06 Dec 2015
Stop asking me for Greys Anatomy opinions. I banned song because it is fucking sad not because of medical drama.
5.7K retweets 2.1K quote tweets 12.2K likes

Talia @1989PRINCESS· 06 Dec 2015
Why don’t I believe him tho? Like hockey culture is so misogynistic what are the chances he’s lying cuz men were giving him shit for liking a drama popular amongst women?
19 retweets 6 quote tweets 144 likes
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Toni @IWantAHockeyHusband· 06 Dec 2015
I’ve been saying y’all were making leaps to assume he banned it cuz of Greys. My mom has never seen the show, but gets emotional when she hears that song.
19 retweets 9 quote tweets 301 likes
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Toni @IWantAHockeyHusband· 06 Dec 2015
My mom lost a friend to suicide when she was in high school, so that’s a big part of it for her. I can’t speak on Roz, and I wouldn’t want to- #BostonsBannedBangers
17 retweets 7 quote tweets 288 likes
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Toni @IWantAHockeyHusband· 06 Dec 2015
-speculate about shit like that, but the topic hits home for a lot of people. It’s a beautiful song, but it’s a brutal topic. #BostonsBannedBangers
14 retweets 12 quote tweets 273 likes
View 23 more replies
View 42 more replies.
Dani @McDreamyCombo· 06 Dec 2015
You should watch it! You’ll love it, Roz we promise 🥺 🙏
14 retweets 12 quote tweets 273 likes
Ilya Rozanov @IlyaRozanov81· 06 Dec 2015
Maybe. What is plot?
827 retweets 482 quote tweets 2.3K likes
Dani @McDreamyCombo· 06 Dec 2015
OMG HI!!! Okay so basically it starts with Doctor Meredith Grey’s first day as a medical intern and she finds out the man she slept with-
103 retweets 23 quote tweets 331 likes
Dani @McDreamyCombo· 06 Dec 2015
- the night before is actually one of the Attending Surgeons at the hospital, and that they will be working together.
123 retweets 23 quote tweets 331 likes
Dani @McDreamyCombo· 06 Dec 2015
-But honestly the romance is not the important part. The important part is the friendships between the characters. Also the medicine is really interesting!
121 retweets 26 quote tweets 261 likes
Ilya Rozanov @IlyaRozanov81· 06 Dec 2015
I will try. Thank you for recommendation.
3.4 retweets 210 quote tweets 6.4K likes
Dani @McDreamyCombo· 06 Dec 2015
You are so welcome omgg 😭 😭 😭
201 retweets 52 quote tweets 433 likes
Jordan @JordanHockeyHoe· 06 Dec 2015
OH MY GOD DANI!!! ARE YOU OKAY???
24 retweets 4 quote tweets 236 likes
Dani @McDreamyCombo· 06 Dec 2015
Nope. I am literally dead but I am SO okay with it.
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Viola @HesNotTheSunYouAre· 03 Dec 2015
@IlyaRozanov81 How’s watching Greys Anatomy going? #GreysAnatomy #IlyaRozanov #BostonRaiders .
332 retweets 71 quote tweets 721 likes

Ilya Rozanov @IlyaRozanov81· 06 Dec 2015
Terrible. This show was made to make me miserable.
3.4K retweets 210 quote tweets 6.4K likes
Viola @HesNotTheSunYouAre· 03 Dec 2015
Oh no! Are you going to stop watching it?
233 retweets 91 quote tweets 927 likes
Ilya Rozanov @IlyaRozanov81· 06 Dec 2015
No.
837 retweets 302 quote tweets 5.8K likes
View 2.1K replies.

Jane
03 Mar 8:11 PM
I figured out your favourite song
Seriously this again?
Go ahead then
You do not have one. That is the answer.
Lucky guess.
Actually no, it’s not even that impressive.
You have been typing for long time. Are you writing another essay about hockey plays or texture of tomatoes?
I bet most people don’t actually have a favourite song. It’s just one of those things people always ask and you have to pick a random answer to try to fit in. Like in school when people ask who your crush is and you just name some girl you know who’s nice and pretty.
You sound like conspiracy theorist.
Maybe is true for you and some others, but people who actually like music and girls do not have to do this.
Fuck off. I like girls.
And music. Sometimes.
I'm not the one banning my teammates from listening to music
Have you been reading the tweets about me Hollander?
You literally tagged me in one of them.
Ask me.
About what?
Why you’ve outlawed half of Itunes from your locker room?
No, ask the question you think is part of conspiracy theory
You want me to ask about your favourite song?
Yes.
You already know my crush ;-)
This is joke, you are too boring to crush on.
You’re an asshole.
Fine, what’s your favourite song?
I don’t have one.
Oh fuck off.
You literally just called me weird for not having a favorite song. What the hell?
I did not call you weird. I called you gay and wrong.
That’s like the same thing
No, but you are all three of these things.
Whatever, I don't know why I bother texting you.
I do not have one favourite song because I like many different songs. It does not make sense to me to pick only one.
Maybe I have songs that are my favourite to drive to.
Or songs that are my favourite to listen to when I work out or fuck
I guess that makes sense.
My dad always listens to classical music when he cooks.
Your father is a very exciting man.
You probably cook in silence, or to youtube compilation of the sound of pucks hitting ice.
🖕

Notes:

I hope you liked it!
Okay so, one of the reasons I split this fic into chapters was because I knew that I would end up getting comments with great 2010s songs for Ilya to ban during the great Tuna Meltdown, and I wanted to give myself the oppitunity to add them in if I got inspired so PLEASE tell me what songs you think Ilya would ban, or just songs that came out before feb 2017 that remind you of Hollanov

Also special shoutout to those of you who saw the first tweet in this fic like a month ago when I accidently posted my draft when I was testing the formatting✌️

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