Chapter Text
The first twenty-four hours after the Idol Awards are some of the hardest of Mira’s life. Not for any life threatening reason but rather because of how overwhelming it all is.
The Saja Boys are gone, killed by their respective weapons, and Gwi-Ma is either dead or sent back to the demon realm. The stadium full of adoring fans roars in approval at their performance. All of the power given to them to banish Gwi-Ma and create the new Honmoon beneath their feet is gone, leaving Mira slightly lightheaded.
Still, Rumi and Zoey are by her side, so Mira stands tall and keeps going for as long as she can.
The media asks a lot of questions. Bobby jumps in to take care of as much as they can but they still make a statement as Huntrix to clear up a few things. All things they’ve done before but after the day they’ve had, it’s a more exhausting task than it would be normally. But once it’s over, they all clamor into their ride and head home.
They talk on the couch. They talk for a long time.
About the Idol Awards, about Rumi’s patterns and how long she lied for, about how they reacted in turn, about betrayals, about—
About that demon.
Mira has no fondness for Jinu but Rumi… She talks about him softly. Even after he betrayed her. She mentions how they met up— how he helped her accept her patterns, whether he meant to or not; how he really seemed to mean it when he said he would help her; how when it looked like Rumi was going to lose against her stalemate with Gwi-Ma, he stepped in to save her and gave her his soul.
Mira doesn’t understand it in the slightest. If it weren’t coming from Rumi, she wouldn’t believe it. But Mira knows that Rumi was in the same boat as her before. She would’ve never trusted a demon if she didn’t have good reason. And even if she were skeptical about his intentions, she can’t deny what she saw with her own two eyes.
That demon threw himself into the fire. He’s gone because of that— they won because of that.
She doesn’t understand it in the slightest but whatever happened, Rumi wishes he were still here, betrayal or not. And as much as Mira wants to say something like ‘He didn’t deserve you’, she has a feeling it won’t be much of a comfort as she intends it to be. So she settles for an old fashioned side hug and nods along as Rumi rambles.
Rumi talks about her demon heritage— about not knowing who her dad is and how her mom apparently fell in love with a demon despite being a Hunter herself. How she’s been afraid of being who she is for so long that the lies and shame started to consume her, literally in some ways. How she wishes she told them sooner.
Zoey is right there with her, telling her she gets it, how she would’ve been scared too, and how they’ll all try to be more open with one another going forward. She then jokes that if her mom, a Hunter, fell in love with a demon, then the apple doesn’t fall far from the tree.
Rumi laughs— she laughs hard and can’t stop. It’s infectious enough to get Mira and Zoey to do the same. It’s good to hear her laugh again; she’s been so somber since they got back home. Mira actually can’t remember the last time she heard Rumi laugh as unrestrained as she did now.
It doesn’t really hit her until the laughter dies down that Rumi fully agreed with the joke. That some part of her loves that demon— that she mourns the fact that she didn’t get to know him outside of a crisis. Mira can’t fathom it but… It doesn’t make it any less true.
None of them know what the Honmoon being rainbow means. They all get a text from Celine saying they did a good job banishing Gwi-Ma and creating a new Honmoon, and how she’s going to look into its existence. Mira doesn’t miss how quiet Rumi gets after but when prodded, Rumi shakes her head. She tells them she’ll tell them about it later. She’s too tired right now.
They’re all pretty tired. After the day they’ve had, they need the rest. After sharing a long, warm, group hug, they all part for their rooms. Her body seems to weep in relief the second she lays down but sleep doesn’t come to Mira as easily.
She remains up for a while, staring at her ceiling, unable to turn her brain off. It whirls with the events of the day— with all the things Rumi said. With all the things that Mira did, back at the Idol Awards.
Your hatred for demons hurt her. Some part of her whispers. It almost reminds her of Gwi-Ma’s voice in her ear but Mira knows this one isn’t him. That’s why she was afraid to be honest with you. You raised your weapon at her. What kind of friend does that? All because of who her father was?
In the quiet of the night, nothing but the hum of AC in the vents, Mira makes herself a promise. Never again, she swears to herself. Never am I going to hurt Rumi— or Zoey— like that again.
—
Mira doesn’t know what to expect in the morning. After the night they’ve had, it feels as though anything is on the table. The new Honmoon could have different rules. The media could have seen through their ruse despite their best efforts and now know that demons exist. Rumi could suddenly transform overnight and get— horns or something. Mira doesn’t know how being half demon works. She doesn’t think Rumi does either.
A lot of things could've happened overnight, but the blue tiger and gat-wearing magpie are a surprise.
“They’re sorta Jinu’s… Pets? Personal messengers? Spirit guardians?” Rumi explains with a sheepish smile as Zoey runs her hands through the tiger’s fur, marveling at how thick it is. The minute Mira has fully processed this, she’s going to do the exact same thing. She has never been immune to the charm of a cat before and she’s not gonna start now. “They sorta showed up and I feel really bad about Jinu so I was kinda hoping they could stay? If that’s okay? I feel like they’re gonna get lonely without him.”
The blue tiger is closing his eyes blissfully as Zoey finds just the right place to scratch under his chin. The gat-wearing magpie is perched on the counter, six eyes darting between the three of them in a way that can only be called assessing. For what, Mira doesn’t know, but he doesn’t seem hostile at least. If anything, he seems unbothered. His feathers are smoothed out and well groomed.
“Do they need to eat? Or be let out?” Mira asks, slowly coming around to the idea that blue tigers and six-eyed magpies exist, and apparently their choice of company was a demon. Rumi shakes her head.
“They might accept a snack if you give it to them but they don’t seem to need to eat? Also they can both phase through solid objects so if they want out, they can leave at any time.” Rumi gestures and as if on cue, the magpie sinks through the counter before popping up next to the tiger. He hops up to perch on his head and when Zoey carefully leans over to scratch his head, all of his eyes close to accept it.
“Magical pets.” Mira sums up.
“Magical pets.” Rumi nods in agreement.
“Which means we don’t have to worry about all the other things that prevented us from having pets around in the past!” Zoey grins from ear to ear. She’s been wanting a pet for forever, having had nothing more than a few fish as a kid. She was outvoted due to how much they moved around for their job but since these two can clearly handle themselves, Mira isn’t seeing a reason to say no. And yeah, maybe she wants to sink her entire face into the soft fur of a mystical blue tiger. She’s only human.
Calling them pets seems a bit wrong though. The magpie alone looks far too intelligent for that, and the tiger definitely looks way too weirdly understanding.
Mira sighs, though it isn’t all that hard of a decision, and gives in. “Alright, but we gotta be careful when Bobby comes around. There’s no rational way to explain a blue tiger walking around the living room.”
“Oh, that won’t be a problem!” Rumi smiles. “I’ve had both of them in my room for days and neither of you noticed!”
Mira stares at her. Rumi’s smile goes back to looking sheepish. “I said that way more cheerfully than I meant to. I just meant— you don’t have to worry about them. They’ve managed this long without being spotted— believe me, I tried looking them up. The best I got were old paintings done of tigers and magpies but none of them were blue or had six eyes. The closest looking tiger I got was gray?”
Mira nods, finally approaching. She offers her hand to the tiger to sniff but he just headbutts her hand. A smile forms easily as she cards her fingers through his fur. It is as soft as it looks. She’s obsessed already.
“They got names?” Mira asks.
“I… Don’t know.” Rumi admits. “I’ve just been calling them the tiger and bird.”
“We can come up with names!” Zoey gasps, already in love with the idea. “And vote on them! Or— or they can choose it themselves! They’re smart enough to veto a name they don’t like, right?”
“I think so.” Rumi nods slightly. She joins the pair of them, moving to sit in front of the tiger’s face. He opens his eyes slowly and Rumi gives him a little wave. “Hey. I’m really sorry about Jinu but if you want company, all of us can help, okay?”
The tiger blinks slowly at her. His gaze slides down to stare at her upper chest and neck. He raises a paw, pressing it to her shoulder and paws at her arm, seemingly for no reason. Rumi sighs like this isn’t the first time it’s happened.
“He’s been doing that all morning.” She explains the moment she sees Mira’s bewildered look. “I don’t know why. He’s never done it before and he’s not doing it to Zoey or you.”
“I think he’s trying to comfort Rumi!” Zoey pipes up. “Since she’s still sad about Jinu.”
Rumi begins to look distant, as if her thoughts are miles away. “It could be.” She sighs softly. “He does love to fix things. Maybe he’s trying to fix my broken heart or something.” Rumi laughs like it’s a joke but Mira isn’t so certain she is joking.
Mira lays a hand on her shoulder. Rumi looks up, blinking at her. Mira gives her a squeeze. “Whatever you need, we’re here. I’m no two-ton, big, fluffy tiger but you mean the world to me. To us. And we don’t want you to ever suffer in silence again.”
Gradually, something in Rumi seems to settle until she leans over and rests her head on Mira’s shoulder. “Thanks.” She sighs, content. Zoey scoots over and snuggles close. Rumi is quick to wrap an arm around her too in order to bring her in. “I might need a little time to process before I get into anything heavy but… I’m glad I have both of you. I don’t know where I’d be if I didn’t.”
“Singing lonely solos?” Zoey suggests. “It’s hard to imagine a world where you’re not singing.”
Rumi stifles a laugh. “True. I think I prefer three-part ones. It just doesn’t sound the same without it.”
“Agreed.” Mira says. “Which goes for us too. We wouldn’t be here without you and we wouldn’t want to be here without you. So, we’re glad you’re here and we’re here whenever you need us. All day, every day. Wake me up at 3AM if you need to.”
“I think I’ll be fine at 3AM but… Thanks.” Rumi squeezes them both closer. Mira closes her eyes and tells herself she’s never going to come close to losing this again.
—
Mira makes the mistake of checking what the internet is saying. Granted, it’s not nearly as bad as it could be but it’s a mixed bag all around.
The fans at the Saja Boys’ concert remember bits and pieces. Some remember their song better than others, lamenting how they want the ability to stream it immediately. Some remember barely any of it and have done a heel turn on them, now back to being solely Huntrix fans. Some don’t know how they got there at all. Some are wondering where they went.
There’s talk about the ‘Live breakup’ of Huntrix. Some say it was masterful storytelling of feeling like the whole world is against you, even your closest friends. Others say the performance felt too real. How it was traumatic to think their favorite group had actually broken up in such a nasty way and want an apology.
There’s even speculation that it was real.
‘Did you see the way Rumi reacted? It was too realistic of a panic attack, I’m telling you!’
There are videos upon videos of it. Of seeing the panic on Rumi’s face, her whole world coming apart at the seams. If Mira thinks about it for too long, she remembers how Rumi looked when she saw them backstage. The way she jumped at every little sound, the desperation, the sorrow—
Mira closes out of all of her social media apps and puts her phone down. It’s too much right now. If she scrolls any further, she doesn’t know what she’ll do.
—
Aside from a few calls from Bobby, it’s mostly a day of recovery. They eat their hearts out, laze about, and process everything that’s happened. Mira knows she’s not at her best and she doesn’t expect anyone to be.
Even so, seeing Rumi be a little spacey is concerning. There’s times where it takes a few tries to get her to respond to them, like she couldn’t hear them before. She smiles sheepishly and apologizes each time but it’s still a bit weird for her. Not to mention how sluggish she’s been all day.
“Maybe you should turn in early?” Zoey suggests when she has to call Rumi’s name five times to finally snap her out of her daze.
Rumi laughs softly and admits, “Maybe… Ugh, I don’t know why I’m so tired. I got a full seven hours last night!”
“We had a pretty long week.” Mira is quick to point out. “Both physically and emotionally. You should go get all the rest you need. We’ll schedule some time at the bathhouse somewhere within the next few days. It’ll help, trust me.”
“I trust you.” Rumi’s smile is soft and easy, not a hint of doubt, even after what happened. It unravels a knot in Mira’s chest she had been ignoring. Rumi rises to her feet and stretches. “I guess I’ll be turning in early then… Wake me if you need me?”
Mira waves her off. She doesn’t foresee having a reason to disrupt Rumi’s sleep anytime soon. “We’ll be fine. The Honmoon is sealed, remember? We have nothing to worry about.”
That’s not entirely true but it’s enough to get Rumi to head off to her room. Mira catches a worried look on Zoey’s face once she’s out of sight and whispers, “Hey. Whatever’s wrong, we’ll handle it.”
“We didn’t handle it very well the last time something was wrong…” Zoey mumbles, chewing on her lip.
“We know better now.” Mira replies. She sounds more confident than she feels but for Zoey’s sake, she’s not going to falter. They made their mistakes. The only way to go is forward.
Luckily, Zoey nods back, more determined than before. “We’re stronger now. We’re gonna be better than ever this time around.”
“That’s the spirit.” Mira smirks. She tells herself that it’s going to be alright. And if it isn’t, they’ll handle it.
She can’t help that there’s a sinking feeling in her gut however, just waiting for the other shoe to drop.
—
They hear Rumi scream out, “No!” in the middle of the night, a demonic ring in her voice.
Mira has never sprinted out of her room faster, though even then, Zoey still gets there before she can. Rumi’s room is, thankfully, devoid of any real threats, leaving only Rumi herself sobbing on her bed, trying to reach for someone or something but grasping at air. They’re quick to take either side of her, easing her out of her panicked state until Rumi is clinging to the first person she can get her hands on— Zoey in this case.
Rumi curls in on Zoey, sobbing her heart out. Zoey wraps her arms around her and holds her close, shooting a panicked look at Mira. She can’t blame her— even at the Idol Awards, Rumi hadn’t been crying this much. She had still been coherent— begging them not to leave, and they still—
Not helpful. Mira internally scolds herself. Focus.
Carefully reaching over, Mira lays a hand on Rumi’s back. She half expects her to flinch but is flooded with pure relief that she doesn’t. Mira scoots closer, rubbing her back as her and Zoey let Rumi shake and sob until she’s let it all out.
Her shoulders are still trembling and her voice has a heartbreaking wobble when she whispers, “I’m sorry. I’m sorry.”
“It’s okay.” Zoey soothes, keeping her voice soft and gentle. “I don’t know what you’re apologizing for but whatever it is, it’s okay.”
“It’s— it’s not.” Rumi insists feverishly. “It’s not okay it’s not okay itsnotokay—”
“Rumi—” Mira tries but doesn’t get far.
“I left them.” Her voice breaks. Another sob escapes her but she’s cried herself dry.
“Left… Who?” Zoey asks carefully. Her eyes dart up to Mira as if to ask, is she talking about us?
“My—” Rumi gasps, “My mom and—”
“Your mom?” Zoey’s gentle voice is gone, replaced by pure bewilderment. “Rumi, I… I don’t know how to say this but I wouldn’t say you left your mom..?” She seems to wince at her own words and quickly backtracks. “That came out wrong, I’m sorry, I— I just don’t think that could possibly be your fault? You were just a baby, what were you supposed to do?”
“I… I don’t…” Rumi’s voice trails off. It takes her another few minutes to calm down fully, but gradually, Rumi uncurls from Zoey, rubbing her eyes. The look on her face shows just as much confusion as they feel. “I’m… Sorry. I don’t know what happened.”
“Seems like you had a pretty bad nightmare.” Mira points out. “It’s natural to wake up a little disoriented.”
Rumi nods slightly but her eyebrows remain furrowed, trying to puzzle something out in her head. “It felt so real. And it wasn’t even…” She trails off, putting her head in her hands with a groan. “Fuck. I’m sorry, girls, I feel so stupid right now.”
“Don’t say that!” Zoey immediately looks offended. “You had a terrible night, everyone wakes up in a terrible place sometimes!”
“But it wasn’t even—” Rumi briefly looks like she doesn’t want to say but pushes it out anyway. “It wasn’t even my mom. I know what my mom looks like— I’ve seen photos. That… That wasn’t her. Not even close.”
Mira exchanges a glance with Zoey. She’s glad she’s not the only one who doesn’t know how to respond to that.
“Dreams are weird like that.” Mira settles on. It’s just humorous enough to get a huff of a laugh in agreement from Rumi. “Maybe it’s some feelings you buried that are only manifesting now? That happens to me sometimes.”
Rumi pauses for entirely too long to be ignored. In the end, she sighs, closes her eyes, and murmurs, “Maybe…”
—
Mira and Zoey host a sleepover in Rumi’s room— first of its kind. Zoey goes over the top in treating it as a monumental occasion and Mira joins in on the bit and by the end, Rumi looks so terribly fond that most of the tension is drained right out of her.
The rest of the night is peaceful, not a single bad dream in sight.
—
Zoey’s not saying this to judge— she is the last person who can judge here. She has her bad days; her medication can only do so much and she's the one who had to teach herself self-discipline. Sometimes she’ll space out or want to bite her arm out of frustration because she just can’t focus on the thing she's supposed to focus on and it makes her want to grab her own hair and scream—
Yeah, Zoey’s not judging. But it is concerning to see Rumi standing motionless in the hallway, staring straight ahead. Her face is slack, eyes blank, and she doesn’t even notice Zoey when she walks up even though Zoey is making no move to hide her footsteps. Zoey tries to wave a little but gets no response.
“Rumi?” Zoey says tentatively, then louder this time, “Rumi?”
Thankfully Rumi snaps to attention at that, head jerking in her direction. There’s a split second where Rumi looks tense at the sight of her— afraid? No, that can’t be right… Could it?— but then it eases. She lets out a breath and looks around, like she’s forgotten where she was.
“Oh. Hey.” Rumi seems almost out of breath. “Did you… Need something?”
“I’m good.” Zoey answers automatically, taking a second to ask, “Do you?”
“Huh?” Rumi seems distracted by virtually everything around her, scanning the hallway but without any clear purpose as for why. The rest of the question catches up to her after a few moments. “No, yeah, I’m great. I…”
She hesitates, eyebrows furrowing. “I… Was I supposed to be doing something? Sorry, I should know, I don’t know why it’s suddenly evading me. I can probably figure it out on my own if you give me a—!”
“You’re okay!” Zoey rushes to say. She doesn’t want Rumi to feel like she can’t come to them for stuff like this— Zoey isn’t gonna accidentally reverse all of their progress just because she was a little concerned. Zoey might not understand what’s going on but if Rumi needs a little direction, Zoey has plenty.
Was it like this before? Did we not notice? Am I such a bad friend that I missed out on my friend struggling and left her to figure it out on her own, making her feel alone and insecure and—
“How about!” Zoey says a little too loudly, clapping her hands together. Rumi flinches minutely and she immediately feels terrible for it. “You come hang with me until you remember what you were going to do?”
Consideration flickers on Rumi’s face. “Okay.” She says in the end, smiling a little. “Lead the way… Zoey.” Her name is said almost as an afterthought.
Zoey doesn’t read too much into it. She just does as instructed and heads back into her room.
Around five minutes later, Zoey remembers why she left her room in the first place and takes Rumi with her into the kitchen instead.
See? No room to judge.
—
About an hour later, Rumi is zoning out as Zoey is eyeing the Minecraft application on her desktop and trying to determine if she should break from her lyrics and relax a little. Out of the corner of her eye, Rumi abruptly sits up and asks, “How did I get here?”
“Y’know, I ask myself that a lot sometimes.” Zoey muses wistfully. “If I told my fourteen year old self where I was now, I would’ve never believed me. It’s so weird to think about how much our lives can change in ways we never thought possible. All the choices we made that led to the here and now.” Zoey spins around in her gaming chair to face Rumi and adds on, “Y’know?”
Slightly stunned, Rumi says, “That’s… True. And a very profound point.” She clears her throat awkwardly. “But I meant that more literally? How did I get here? I don’t remember walking into your room.”
“Oh.” Zoey replies, suddenly feeling self-conscious about her little speech. “Um. You couldn’t remember what you needed to do and stopped dead in the hallway so I recommended you hang with me until you did?”
Rumi blinks, taking several seconds too long to process this fact. Then her face lights up with recognition. “Oh! Right, now I remember. It must’ve worked because now I know what I wanted to do before.” Rumi stands up, shooting Zoey a smile. “Thanks, Zo. You always have a way to help.”
Rumi leaves Zoey with a little piece of sunshine in her heart. If nothing else, it feels like she got something right.
Deciding she does deserve that break, Zoey clicks on Minecraft and loads it up.
—
They have another sleepover. Rumi sleeps fitfully but not as badly as before. With a little gentle soothing, she settles down and is quiet the rest of the night.
She’s a little disoriented in the morning but anyone would be in her position.
—
Rumi is on the floor of the living room, book in hand, and one giant, blue tiger pawing at her back.
Mira cannot help but snort at the scene. “He still trying to fix your broken heart?”
“Yep.” Rumi’s mouth curls upwards. “It’s really sweet of him, though a part of me is a little worried he’s gonna start kneading on me. Tiger claws sound a lot more painful than a house cat’s.”
“God help us all.” Mira jokes.
“I don’t think Derpy answers to anyone.” Rumi’s grin stretches.
It takes Mira a minute to realize she’s using a name for him. “You’re going with Derpy? Surely we can come up with something better.”
“I didn’t ‘Come up’ with anything.” Rumi rolls her eyes, still smiling. “That’s just his name. I’m not even sure Jinu chose it.”
Mira pauses for a little while at that. “…I thought you said you didn’t know his name?”
Rumi opens her mouth, then stops entirely. Her eyebrows furrow and once again, just like a few nights before, Rumi looks puzzled by herself. “…Huh. I… Didn’t. I don’t know where that came from— maybe Jinu did tell me offhandedly and I just forgot until this moment?”
“Maybe.” Mira echoes, searching her face. Rumi doesn’t seem to be hiding anything she doesn’t want to talk about; she really didn’t know. “Do you know the bird’s?”
“Sussie.” The response is her automatic.
“Derpy and Sussie.” Mira repeats. Weird names, but then again, they’re weird animals. “Well, thanks. That’s good to know.”
Rumi nods but her lips are pursed, deep in thought. She doesn’t say anything else for a while and the tiger— Derpy, apparently— just keeps pawing at her back.
—
Rumi keeps having restless dreams. She struggles to describe most of them, seemingly confused by them, but there’s one she can clearly remember. A memory; Jinu burning up, giving her his soul before vanishing. Rumi always wakes up with tears in her eyes and shuddering breaths.
Mira and Zoey continue to have sleepovers to help her whenever she needs it. Rumi doesn’t always wake them up but Mira knows when she’s had a rough night. It’s written all over her face in the morning.
They take her to the bathhouse. Rumi immediately loves every second of it. It’s the most at ease they’ve seen her all week.
—
Mira is in the middle of brushing out any tangles in her hair when Rumi comes into the bathroom, a question on her tongue. Mira never gets to learn what it is as Rumi’s eyes catch on the mirror. At first there’s confusion, eyebrows knitting together and a frown tugging at her lips. As she turns towards it, she seems startled by something. Then outright horrified.
One, hesitant hand trails along her patterns on her left arm, all the way up to her shoulder and neck. Her breath catches— Rumi takes a step back as if trying to escape it. Mira doesn’t know what’s going on but she knows enough to launch into action.
“Rumi,” she’s quick to block Rumi’s view of the mirror, eyes now darting to her. There’s a haze in them she doesn’t like— some sort of panic she only half understands. “Rumi, talk to me, what’s going on?”
“I— I don’t look right?” Rumi stutters out, her gaze dropping to the ground. “Something— something is wrong with me— I’m not supposed to look like this, I’m not supposed—!”
“Rumi— Rumi, breathe.” Mira commands, holding her steady as she starts to dissolve into panicked ramblings. Rumi hisses in a breath through her teeth— a poor attempt but at least she’s trying to breathe. Her eyes squeeze shut and Mira gently puts her hands on her shoulders. “C’mon, Rumi. Don’t think about anything else for a moment, just breathe with me. That’s it.”
Rumi’s face is twisted up in pain as one hand reaches up to rub the side of her head. Mira still guides her back into regaining control of her breathing until she’s a little steadier. Once she has, Rumi sighs out a, “Thanks, baby…”
Mira pauses. Then cannot help but snort in a way that catches Rumi off guard. “Since when do you use pet names like that?”
“I…” For a moment, Rumi almost seems lost, but it’s gone so quickly that Mira almost thinks she imagined it. Almost. In its place, Rumi smiles teasingly. “Shut up, I can’t be blamed for what I’ve said after a— whatever that was.”
“Panic attack.” Mira tells her. “And true. Still, Rumi, I thought you were more classy than that.”
“I’m always classy.” Rumi shrugs with a joking sort of confidence.
“Suuuure.” Mira drawls with a smile. She sobers up when she asks, “How are you feeling?”
“Fine.” Rumi says, too automatic. “I’ve handled all of this before, you don’t have to worry about me. I don’t even remember what I was upset about.”
“…You realize that’s more concerning than relieving, right?” Mira asks slowly.
“I do now.” Rumi shakes her head. “I need some fresh air, excuse me.”
Mira almost tries to get her to stay but stops herself at the last moment. Fresh air probably would do her a lot of good. Though as Rumi walks away, she cannot help but feel like something is off. She can’t quite place what other than the fact that everything going on with Rumi didn’t feel… Right.
But then again, Rumi did just have a panic attack. If she’s acting a little differently because of it, that’s her right.
—
The magpie— Sussie, as Mira has learned— has certain habits. Perching on anywhere he deems fit, which includes their shoulders and heads; disappearing and reappearing at odd hours of the day; accepting head scratches from anyone who will give them; and keeping a watchful eye on virtually everything.
His gaze is usually flat and unimpressed, save for the few times he’s amused by something happening, annoyed, or blissful, the latter typically as a result of head scratches. But there is a rare, fourth emotion Mira has caught enough times to know she’s not imagining it.
Always around Rumi. Almost always when Rumi is spacing out or in one of her weirder moods.
Mira wants to call it concern. Or maybe he’s troubled.
If she could talk to him and figure out why, she would. But unfortunately, speaking to birds is not on her list of abilities, so all Mira can do is quietly wonder if the magpie knows something she doesn’t.
(Animals are intuitive. Both Sussie and Derpy are magical in nature. Mira doesn’t know what’s got them worried but she knows it’s nothing good.)
—
It’s just past 3AM and Rumi’s bed is empty. Zoey has to blink and rub her eyes to be sure but no matter how she looks at it, Rumi is nowhere to be found.
Mira’s deep, slumbering breaths are the only sound in the room, too soft to be considered snores but indicative that she’s probably not getting up anytime soon. Zoey forgoes waking her, shuffling quietly out of the room to figure out where Rumi has gone herself.
Both bathrooms are empty. There’s a light on in the kitchen but it’s the same one they keep on 24/7, so Zoey doesn’t stub her toe trying to get a midnight snack anymore. As she makes her way in to check, Zoey finally spots Rumi in the living room, gazing out their windows and out into the city below.
The tiger and bird— adorably named Derpy and Sussie respectively— are with her. Derpy is pressed up to her side and Sussie is perched on her shoulder. Rumi doesn’t seem to notice Zoey until she gets close, tensing at first but quickly relaxing once she gets a good look at her. It’s an impressive feat considering Zoey has no idea how she’s able to see this well when the only light is at their backs and a little ways away. Is that a half demon thing?
“Oh, it’s you.” Rumi says. Zoey can’t decipher the tone but smiles anyway.
“Do you realize how early it is? Why are you standing out here in the dark like a creep?” She half-teases and half-genuinely asks. Rumi huffs a laugh before looking out the window again. Seoul has thousands of tiny lights everywhere, lit up like a tree on Christmas.
“I was just admiring it.” Rumi tells her. “I miss being able to see the stars but at least the lights are a nice sight too.”
Zoey does remember how beautiful the sky was back at the Hunter’s sanctuary— it was the first time Zoey had seen the sky with minimal light pollution. She never thought the sky could look so full. So vibrant. Anyone would miss it.
“Yeah.” Zoey breathes out. “I don’t like the trade off— the stars are way prettier.”
“I don’t know,” Rumi muses, “All of these lights might be artificial but they’re a sign of life. How many people are out there in the world, living better than the previous centuries. For all the faults of the modern world, things really have improved. You just don’t see it because this is the only life you’ve ever lived.”
“Huh…” Zoey considers that, finding herself nodding slowly. “I guess so. Still, we have more to improve upon. We are far from perfect.”
Rumi doesn’t respond to that, still gazing out at the lights. Sussie shoots her a look she doesn’t understand and Derpy headbutts her leg. “Hey uh,” Zoey speaks up after a minute, “Let’s head back to bed. You’re probably pretty tired.”
Rumi relents easily. As they both go to lay down again in their respective spots, Zoey cannot help the nagging feeling in her chest that there was something weird about what they talked about. About the way Rumi was talking.
She just doesn’t know how to put it into words.
—
The next two weeks follow a rhythm. Bobby gives them updates, things apparently going pretty well on his end, all things considered. They relax mostly, except when Rumi is insistent that they train in case anything happens, but seeing as it’s the most relaxing Zoey has ever seen Rumi do, she’s proud of her progress.
Rumi keeps spacing out. Zoey doesn’t know if it’s getting worse or not. It’s hard to tell considering they don’t follow her every move. Zoey doesn’t want to start— everyone needs personal space sometimes and Zoey really doesn’t want Rumi to feel caged in by them— but she’s a little worried. She doesn’t remember that happening before but if Rumi hid her patterns, could she have hid whatever this is too?
Mira asks before she can, which Zoey is grateful for because it saves her a lot of internal agony over trying to put it gently. Rumi blinks at the question and ends up saying, “Sorry, I didn’t realize. I guess I have been losing a bit of time.”
“‘Losing time’?” Mira echoes, an edge to her voice that has her gaze briefly darting over to Zoey and back again. “Elaborate on that?”
“Just,” Rumi gestures vaguely, “I’ll forget how I ended up in certain rooms and only have a vague memory of getting there. I feel slow sometimes. I guess I have a lot on my mind.”
“It might help to share some of it?” Zoey offers. Rumi sighs a little to herself.
“If I knew how to put it into words, I would.” Her frustration is evident in her tone. “Sorry, girls. I’m really trying.”
“And you’re doing fine!” Zoey tells her before she goes any further. “You don’t need to apologize to us! We just want to make sure you know you don’t have to deal with whatever you’re doing alone!”
Rumi’s tension melts away, just a little. “I know.” She tells them. Zoey knows she means it. “Thank you. Both of you.”
Zoey knows the trust has to go both ways. She has to trust that Rumi really will come to them when they need her and not push her away with her own neediness to help. Rumi deserves that kind of grace and Zoey wants to give it to her.
She’s just… Worried. Because sometimes Rumi acts a little weird.
She’ll say their names strangely, like it doesn’t quite fit in her mouth or like she’s worried she’s wrong somehow. She’ll tense if they get too close, then immediately wave it off and seems to forget why she ever did in the first place. She’ll be perfectly fine doing something but stare blankly at other tasks— watching Rumi suddenly start texting really slowly, like she had never sent one before in her life, was a notable one.
It’s a bunch of little things that Zoey might be making too big of a deal of. But they start piling up and Zoey doesn’t mean to start researching symptoms online but she wants to make sure Rumi isn’t like, physically sick and they’re all ignoring it. That’d be bad.
Zoey knows sometimes she can jump the gun on certain things, coming to conclusions that don’t make a lot of sense in hindsight later. She’s working on it.
But that being said, a shocking number of the things Zoey’s noticed— and some that she didn’t realize might be related until she’s reading the list of possible symptoms and mentally checking off boxes— line up with delirium. Hypoactive delirium specifically.
Zoey chews on her lips, agonizes over it over the course of several long minutes, then brings all her findings to Mira. If she’s wrong, Mira can set her straight and banish the thought from her mind. But if she’s right…
Mira is skeptical when Zoey first brings it up. However the more Zoey reads off the symptoms, the more her face changes. Considering at first, then dawning realization.
“It could be…” Mira admits by the end of it. “But delirium isn’t random. It has to be caused by something.”
Zoey nods rapidly. “I know, I was looking at some of the causes. It could be some sort of sickness that crept up on Rumi, or,” Zoey scrolls down the medical website and points to the bullet point in question, “This.”
Mira squints and reads off, “‘Severe emotional distress’…”
“Like the Idol Awards.” She points out. “Between us, Jinu, and… Whatever she won’t talk about regarding Celine.”
Mira’s mouth presses into a thin line. She looks away, seemingly deep in thought about the matter at hand. Zoey waits patiently— mostly. She feels restless, leg bouncing as she waits for Mira’s response. Thankfully, it doesn’t take too long.
“We’ll keep an eye out. No jumping to conclusions.” Mira says slowly. “You’re right, Rumi did go through a lot. She might just need some room to heal, but if she needs more than that, we’ll figure it out together. Fair?”
Zoey nods back, chewing on her lip. She’s probably right— she’s just getting a little too in her own head about this. Anyone would be tired and sluggish after everything. It doesn’t necessarily mean Rumi needs to see a doctor.
But if she does… Zoey is ready.
—
As they begin to come up on a month after the Idol Awards, more and more things begin to come up.
For one, Rumi’s nightmares and general restless dreams become near constant. She still struggles to voice them, to talk about what’s happening in them, and Zoey knows it’s not because she doesn’t want to. She’s always so disoriented after, rambling things that don’t make sense to them. Apologies, frantic attempts to reach for someone or something, begging for someone to stop, calling for someone that Zoey doesn’t know the name of—
Every time night falls, Rumi looks like she dreads falling asleep. But she’s always so exhausted from the night before that there’s no avoiding it. Zoey and Mira do what they can to help but against the barrage of bad and confusing dreams Rumi’s been experiencing, Zoey can’t help but feel helpless to actually do anything of use. She can only hold onto her as she sobs her heart out, wishing she could understand why.
It’s not the only thing. Rumi got really weird about some of their historical dramas they've been watching, in ways Zoey has never seen her act before. Not to mention all the times she’s been on high alert but unable to voice why, or ate something and proceeded to act like it was her first time ever tasting it, even if they had it at least two months ago.
At least twice now, Zoey’s caught Rumi almost calling her by a different name entirely. Whose, she didn’t hear enough to say, but it’s definitely a little weird.
But the definitive factor is one morning when Zoey emerges from her room to find Rumi has cooked almost the entirety of their leftovers in the microwave. She’s made a feast of it, covering their kitchen counter, all crammed into one space. Even with how much food their diets demand, it’s a lot for just one person.
It’s all still hot enough that Zoey can see the steam coming off of some of it. And yet, Rumi stares at it all with a seemingly dawning realization of how much she’s made and a tinge of heat in her cheeks.
“You okay?” Zoey feels like she’s asked that a lot recently, but it bears repeating. Rumi jumps a little— that’s another thing, that’s unusual coming from her. Usually when something catches her off guard, she tenses up. She’s not usually this reactive.
“Yeah, yeah.” Rumi shakes her head. “I… I went overboard, sorry. I was uh, working out and suddenly realized how hungry I was?”
She seems faintly embarrassed by this but Zoey hastily shakes her head. “Happens to me all the time when I’m really hungry while ordering in. Besides, I bet between the three of us, we can all finish it off in no time! You’ve just made a big breakfast for us!”
Rumi’s smile is filled with relief, grateful for her suggestion. Zoey can’t help that she preens a little, happy to have been of some help. She urges Rumi to grab a plate and dish some out for herself, not wanting her to go hungry for another minute. Rumi eats enthusiastically, like she’s never eaten anything so tasty before, and Zoey bites back a giggle at the sight.
When Mira emerges from her room ten minutes later, she blinks at the feast sleepily, like she’s not entirely sure she’s seeing it right. But when she glances at the two of them, Zoey gives her one of her ‘Rumi is in a weird mood, just go with it’ smile that has become increasingly more common over the past few weeks. Mira doesn’t even blink twice, just playfully groaning that almost all the hotteoks are gone, to which Rumi sheepishly apologies. Mira waves her off and begins stuffing food in her mouth alongside them.
For a while, things almost feel normal again. They’re sharing a meal together, Rumi looks almost like herself, Mira doesn’t look so worried, and Zoey feels herself ease into it. Nothing to stress about. Nothing but good friends, good food, and a good morning.
But then someone’s phone starts ringing.
Instinctively, Zoey checks her own but finds nothing there, causing her to look up questioningly at the other two. Mira pats her own pockets before her eyes dart over to Rumi.
Rumi blinks owlishly, like she’s dumbfounded by the noise. She hesitantly searches her person and pulls out her buzzing phone, staring blankly at the screen.
Then her eyes go wide, a choked noise leaves her, and neither Zoey nor Mira are prepared for Rumi suddenly chucking her phone across the room like it’s burned her.
“RUMI!” Both Zoey and Mira shout in unison, their alarm and surprise mingling as one. Rumi’s breaths come up short, one hand clutching her heart like it’s going to burst right out of her chest. They’re moving towards her before Zoey can even think about it, reaching to help and while at first, Rumi flinches, she quickly leans into it like she’s starving for it, eyes squeezing shut.
Elsewhere, the phone still rings, so wherever it landed, clearly it didn’t shatter from impact.
“I’m sorry, I’m so sorry, fuck, fuck…” Rumi weeps, frantically whispering apologies like she can’t get them out fast enough. Like she needs to apologize a hundred times over or it won’t be enough. “I’m sorry I’m sorry imsorryimsorryimsorryimsorry—”
“Rumi, it’s okay!” Zoey tries, rubbing her back soothing but even as Rumi collapses in her arms, boneless yet still trembling, she keeps trying to apologize. She whispers things like please forgive me and no, how could you ever? I’m so sorry and nothing I can do will ever be enough and I’m so sorry, so so sorry. All Zoey can do is hold her and look helplessly at Mira, because nothing is working. Nothing she’s saying is calming her down, she’s just— destroyed. By something she doesn’t have the capacity to voice.
For a moment, Mira looks just as lost as she does. Then she gets a hard look on her face and rises to her feet, padding over to where the ringing is coming from. It stops before Mira can reach it but she still finds the phone in question, picking it up to inspect it. She stops dead at whatever she finds.
Zoey is patient enough to wait a beat, then two, but not enough for a third. “Mira?” She speaks up, still rubbing Rumi’s back as she cries into her shoulder.
“Fuck.” Mira curses, loud enough to make Zoey’s heart jump. She marches back over, face tight, and flips the phone over to show Zoey the homescreen. Miraculously, or more accurately, due to their expensive phone cases they bought after one too many accidents in the past, Rumi’s phone barely has any new scratches on it. Her homescreen wallpaper depicts a photo taken from that day at Namsan Tower, all three of them standing together as one, almost glowing. Zoey wonders when she changed it.
But there, under recent notifications, is a missed call from Celine.
Her heart sinks to the depths of her chest. “Oh.” Zoey utters, eyes darting back down again where Rumi is still weeping, shaking, apologizing. She still has next to no details why— Rumi has been avoiding the topic of Celine all month and while they agreed on being more honest with each other, Zoey didn’t want to push before she was ready. Whatever it was seemed delicate. Fragile.
Looking at the state of her now, Zoey doesn’t think she was wrong in the slightest for thinking so. Another look up at Mira and the thin line her mouth has been pressed into tells her she agrees.
But whatever they were afraid of breaking is already broken, in pieces and lying in her arms. Avoiding the damage has done nothing to heal it— they might have to press.
“Rumi…” Mira murmurs, careful but firm. “We can’t do anything if you don’t tell us what happened. What’s going on with you and Celine? Did something happen?”
“I… I…” Her whole body shudders, her voice a wreck, but even if Zoey wants to pull back and tell her it’s okay, they can do this later, Rumi pushes the words out anyways. “I saw her? On— after the Idol Awards.”
There’s almost a question in her voice, like the memory is so hazy that she’s not even sure. Which only makes Zoey more concerned that maybe something is going on with Rumi beyond stress and grief. Nonetheless, both of them nod along and Zoey tries to nudge her into continuing. It works as Rumi swallows thickly and continues.
“I went to see her and I… I asked her to… I asked her to—” it gets caught in her throat again, a hiccup, another broken sob.
“Rumi, it’s—!” Zoey tries but Rumi doesn’t let her finish, tensing up and shouting.
“I asked her to kill me!” Her voice booms with demonic energy that makes the Honmoon ripple but not fray. Rumi gasps and shakes as Zoey feels a bucket of ice cold water wash over her, chilling her down to the bone. “I’m— I’m so s-sorry.” Rumi whispers, like she has something to apologize for. “I’m so sorry… Forgive me, I didn’t— I’m so sorry. I’m so fucking sorry…”
When she tries to pull away, Zoey retaliates by holding on tighter. She doesn’t think Rumi has the strength to be on her own right now, even if she’s afraid of being seen. Zoey stares straight ahead at first, shock rippling through her and making her arms feel heavy and numb. Then they snap to Mira, desperate for something, anything, but only find her own horror reflected back at her.
She asked Celine to kill her? Zoey’s thoughts feel distant, out of touch with the rest of her, as if she’s been plunged into a nightmare that is far too real for her liking. After the Idol Awards? After we… After…
We could’ve lost her. Even before the fire, before Gwi-Ma, before Jinu— we could’ve lost her. For good. Permanently.
They’re no stranger to the possibility of death, even from the very beginning. They’ve had close calls before; long nights and life-threatening injuries where Zoey feared their trio would be broken. She hadn’t even been thinking about the Honmoon or the future of the world, just whether or not the little home she carved for herself would shatter or not. But they always survived before, always came out on top and kept going.
Zoey has confronted the possibility of the death of her teammates, and her own morality, before. But this is different from all of that.
It wasn’t fighting demons or dying on the job, it would’ve been an assisted suicide. Rumi wanted that, if only for a moment, but the thought is enough to cause tears to prickle in Zoey’s eyes. Rumi had wanted to die after they rejected her and she went to Celine to do it. And obviously Celine had refused but— why ask Celine at all? Did she really think the woman who raised her could pull the trigger too? Did she really think herself so inconsequential that she thought her death wouldn’t affect her— wouldn’t affect any of them?
Maybe she saw it as the same as it ever was. Fighting demons. Dying on the job.
Maybe she saw herself as just another demon.
A shaky exhale leaves her. “Rumi, w-why are you apologizing?” Zoey croaks out, trying not to break when Rumi needs them to be strong right now. “I— we should be apologizing. We didn’t know you were— I know we said it already but we’re so sorry for turning on you. You mean the world to us and if— if you ever died—”
It aches to think about even the possibility. About Rumi wishing she were dead enough to ask. Accidents are one thing but this... This...
“I… I don’t…” Rumi whispers, scarcely loud enough to hear unless you were listening for it, but Zoey is and all other sound ceases to matter in the moment. “I don’t know. I don’t know, I— I’m just sorry.” She goes boneless, exhausted, and repeats like she doesn’t know how to say anything else, “I’m so sorry…”
“Stop apologizing.” Mira’s voice is hoarse, thick with tears. She shifts closer, laying Rumi’s phone on the ground so she can place it on her shoulder instead. “Zoey is right, we should be apologizing here. I’m… Fuck, Rumi, I didn’t— I never would’ve wanted you to do that. Even then. I know I started it but— fuck… You haven’t talked with Celine since, huh?”
A pause stretches out between all of them before Rumi silently shakes her head. Zoey tries to prod a little further. “What happened? Do you not want to talk to her yet?”
“I don’t…” Rumi shakes herself. “I don’t know. It’s all… Jumbled in my head. I just— saw her contact and remembered and… It hurts. It all hurts so much. Like I’ve reopened that wound again.” She shudders violently. “I feel dirty. Like it’s my fault.”
“Why would it be your fault?” Zoey prompts gently.
“The Idol Awards.” Rumi says. “When I… No, that’s… Mgh…” Her face screws up like she’s in pain. “My memory of it is all wrong. It’s like I’m seeing double sometimes. I know that doesn’t make sense—”
“And that’s okay.” Zoey rushes to say. It doesn’t, she doesn’t know what that means, but she doesn’t want Rumi to just dismiss it either. “Do you want to talk about it?” Another pause, another sigh and head shake. “Then how about we… Take it slow today? Give yourself a little grace and we’ll talk about it later, okay?”
“Okay.” Rumi breathes out, eyes shut. With a little effort, they all move over to the couch, where everything is much more comfortable.
While nothing big happens for the rest of the day, Zoey can’t shake the feeling that Rumi isn’t quite herself for the entirety of it. She’s a bit slow to react, a bit disoriented, a bit spacey. And she has been for a while now but it feels different now. Because it lasts for longer. Because now, knowing what they do, Zoey knows the stress Rumi carried from the Idol Awards was even heavier than she was letting on.
When Rumi slips away to use the bathroom, Mira meets Zoey’s gaze head on. “Okay.” She tells her. “When she gets back, we'll ask her about setting up a doctor’s appointment. Maybe it’s just stress and we should get a therapist for her but… We can’t afford to leave anything untreated if it is something.”
Zoey has her phone in hand and is pulling up all the saved tabs on her phone before Mira can even finish talking. Despite her nerves lighting up under her skin, her hands are steady enough to type quickly and effectively.
They’re going to get Rumi help. They’re not going to come close to losing her. Not like this, not ever.