Chapter Text
Those who Phantom Thief
New Chat Thread - [11:32, 3 Nov 20XX]
Joker: guys
Joker: realistically speaking…
Joker: how much do you all think I can flirt with Akechi before he kills me
Oracle: we’re putting you in the device
Skull: bro what
Queen: Akira, please don’t get yourself killed over a lack of impulse control.
Queen: Also stop texting in class.
Joker: you’re no fun
Fox: May I inquire as to the nature of the previously mentioned device?
Oracle: you may not
Noir: I’m not sure Akira… How much flirting can you do before the 20th?
Joker: ONLY ONE WAY TO FIND OUT
Panther: BAD AKIRA
Joker: :(
Goro Akechi
New Chat Thread - [11:35, 3 Nov 20XX]
The Jester: Doing schoolwork all by yourself handsome?
The Prince: I’m not in class today.
The Jester: Doing detective work all by yourself handsome?
The Prince: Shouldn’t you be paying attention?
The Jester: …
The Jester: Makoto?
The Prince: Still me.
The Prince: Try the other line.
The Jester: Making stupid jokes all by yourself handsome?
The Prince: Is there something you’d like Kurusu?
The Prince: Unfortunately my days don’t seem to be as… free, as yours evidently are.
The Jester: had enough time to type out that ellipsis though huh
The Prince: I’ll talk to you later Kurusu.
The Jester: okay okay okay fine I’m sorry
The Jester: I just wanted to chat a bit
The Jester: is that so wrong?
The Jester: oh Detective Prince, I’m so so sorry for the terrible sin of disturbing you from your important police work, please forgive me so there is no ill will between us
The Prince: I suppose that will do.
The Prince: Try to be a tad more reverent in the future.
The Jester: I’ll revere you whenever you want ;)
The Prince: You’re hopeless.
The Jester: tell me about it
The Jester: no matter how much shogi I play I still fail to do well in class
The Prince: How would those two things correlate in the slightest?
The Jester: cause it’s a smart person game
The Jester: for like smart people
The Jester: Such as myself.
The Prince: The singular properly punctuated sentence really adds a lot.
The Jester: thank you nobody ever mentions that
The Prince: You’re reusing bits on me?
The Prince: Tsk Tsk.
The Prince: Not very reverent, Kurusu.
The Jester: how am I being judged by someone who just fully typed out “Tsk Tsk.”
The Jester: also I’d never reuse bits on you you’re my whole workshop <3
The Prince: You’re sickening, Kurusu.
The Jester: I can’t win
The Prince: Glad you cared to notice.
The Jester: this truly is an unjust game…
The Jester: anyway what happened to you being busy
The Prince: Nothing.
The Jester: then why are you still here? :)
The Prince: Lord knows.
The Jester: is it because of meeeeee?
Goro Akechi is now offline
The Jester: I won’t read into that you must just be busy
The Jester: good luck at work my Prince
Those Who Phantom Thief
[11:35-11:42, 3 Nov 20XX]
(23 Unread Messages)
Panther: I swear Akira I’m not going shopping with you later if you do this
Panther: ok that’s a lie but STILL
Oracle: Ann my sweet summer child
Oracle: he’s gone and in deep
Panther: he already left didn
Panther: YEPP ALRIGHT AKIRA WE’RE PUTTING YOU IN THE DEVICE
Fox: May I inquire as to the nature of the device?
Oracle: you may not
Fox: May I inquire as to why I may not inquire as to the nature of the device?
Oracle: you may
Fox: I inquire
Oracle: inquire what?
Skull: oh my god what r you 2 talkin about im in gym take it to a publicist or smth
Fox: I inquire as to why I may not inquire as to the nature of the device.
Noir: Ryuji I think you meant “publisher” :)
Oracle: what device?
Oracle: ha publicist
Oracle: classic
Skull: ty Haru ily
Skull: Futaba >:(
Noir: No problem! <3
Queen: Please stop sending messages. Mr. Ushimaru’s desire to throw chalk my way is palpable even with his propensity towards ignoring female students’ misdeeds.
Fox: The device you previously mentioned.
Skull: thats a lot of words
Oracle: ohhhhh
Oracle: that device
Oracle: idk it’s unexplainable
Oracle: “too bad I ain’t readin em”
Skull: too bad I ain’t readin em
Skull: did I do something to you
Fox: Ah, I understand.
Fox: The “Je ne sais quoi” of such a device would certainly do wonders towards Joker’s charisma.
Fox: Thus, increasing his chances of wooing Akechi.
Fox: Am I correct?
Joker: yes
Oracle: Akira you’re an idiot
Joker: I know I was reminded of it every time you made it pop up on my screen in flashing rainbow text
Joker: nice touch btw
Oracle: thank you I try my best
Oracle: did you like when it started bouncing around like the dvd logo
Joker: omg yea it hit the corner at one point and it really kept me going
Oracle: you’re hopeless
Joker: …
Joker: Akechi?
Oracle: stop reusing bits
Joker: I’m only so funny taba
Oracle: wbk
Joker: :(
Noir: Akira! How did your attempts at flirting go?
Joker: welllllllllll
Oracle: terribly
Joker: they didn’t go great… per se
Fox: I’m sorry to hear that the aforementioned device didn’t have the effects you were hoping for Akira.
Fox: Although I must say, I’m surprised. Your charm has always been undeniable in my eyes.
Joker: :’)
Joker: you’re so nice to me Yusuke
Joker: unlike a certain someone I know
Oracle: I take offense to that
Joker: good
Joker: also I think Morgana might be mad that I risked our cover
Queen: I think we should all be mad about that.
Queen: Then again, this doesn’t seem like something our derision will prevent.
Joker: you get me so bad
Queen: I was most definitely NOT agreeing with you.
Joker: tsk tsk
Oracle: if you use another bit stolen from Akechi here I’m banning you
Joker: he’s so funny though :(
Panther: thaaaat doesn’t seem right
Panther: was he like
Panther: trying to be funny?
Panther: or are you just whipped
Joker: neither maybe possibly probably
Joker: and if it had to be one then I guess it would be the latter
Oracle: you’re so whipped
Noir: Could I ask what it means to be whipped?
Oracle: you may
Oracle: it means he’s completely head over heels smitten in love with the guy planning to kill him
Noir: I feel Akira might be whipped.
Noir: Is that right?
Panther: dead on
Skull: my bro is cooked </3
Joker: nobody has faith in me
Joker: I’m packing my rucksack and going out to explore the world as a lone vagabond
Joker: I can no longer thrive in the phantom thieves
Oracle: Akira you’re not making it 10 feet without remembering your “fated bond” or whatever and turning around like you’re trying to enter an out of bounds area
Joker: you get me so bad
Queen: Nobody is agreeing with you?
Joker: Akechi would agree with me…
Joker: wait faith I’m a genius
Joker: brb
Panther: where’s loverboy off to now
Kasumi Yoshizawa
New Chat Thread - [11:48, 3 Nov 20XX]
Akira: heyyy girlieee
Kasumi: Good morning senpai!
Kasumi: Aren’t you in class?
Akira: …
Akira: …aren’t you?
Kasumi: I’m on my way to a gymnastics meet!
Kasumi: In any case, what can I help you with?
Akira: welllll I was just wondering if you think it’s hypothetically a good idea if an individual were to hypothetically flirt with their hypothetical mass murdering rival
Akira: and also said rival is planning to kill them
Akira: hypothetically
Kasumi: I see…
Kasumi: I’m assuming this is some sort of thought experiment, so I’ll take it on as earnestly as I can!
Akira: you’re so real
Kasumi: What else would I be?
Akira: fair point
Akira: aaaanyway thoughts?
Kasumi: If I’m being completely and honestly impartial, I’d have to say that it seems like a bad idea overall.
Kasumi: I mean it’s difficult to fully comprehend the headspace of said rival with this limited amount of information, but I believe that generally speaking, it’s a poor idea.
Kasumi: Unless!
Kasumi: The flirting will alter the rival’s behaviour and therefore render the plot null.
Kasumi: If that were the case then I’d say it may not be the best idea, however if there are no other options, it’s indeed better than nothing.
Kasumi: How does my answer fare?
Akira: wonderfully thank youuuu
Kasumi: Great! I’m happy to have given an adequate response!
Akira: good luck have fun at your meet okay byeeee!!!
Kasumi: Thank you and goodbye senpai!
Those Who Phantom Thief 🤫
[11:48-11:52, 3 Nov 20XX]
(4 Unread Messages)
Panther: Oracle you got anything?
Oracle: um
Oracle: unfortunately I do not
Panther: wonder what he’s up to
Joker: I’m baaaackkkk
Joker: Oracle only didn’t have info because I was messaging the one person she refuses to spy on
Joker: hmmmmm I wonder why that is
Oracle: Akira
Oracle: I’ll kill you
Joker: aaaaaaanyway
Joker: I got the go ahead from a trustworthy third party
Joker: that is all I will say
Oracle: there’s no way she agreed with you
Oracle: you must’ve lied
Oracle: or told like a rlly messed up and untrue version of the sitch
Joker: I assure you she said “it’s at least better than nothing”
Joker: soooo
Joker: good idea
Panther: who exactly are we talking about here?
Joker: Yoshizawa the gymnast star honors student who’s inherently extremely smart and trustworthy
Panther: there’s no way she agreed with you
Joker: lalalala I can’t hear you guys
Panther: he really is hopeless…
Oracle: ^
Oracle: gonna go change the phan-site poll to “is Joker whipped”
Panther: LOL
Panther: please do it
Joker: FUTABA
Joker: now look who’s blowing our cover
Queen: I actually endorse this one.
Queen: If it looks like we’re carefree, Akechi might be thrown off.
Queen: Also, it’s really funny.
Joker: :(
Oracle: go get your hobo stick pathetic ant
Fox: I second the change of poll, I’d love to know the public opinion on love in relation to our group.
Joker: Yusk why…
Noir: I like it too!
Noir: It shows off the bright charisma of our star member!
Joker: okay that one’s valid thank you Haru ily
Noir: Anytime Akira! <3
Skull: idrk what’s goin on but if it gets him to stop flirting go for it
Oracle: done
Joker: I hate all of you (except Haru)
Oracle: we love you too Joker
Oracle: please stop flirting with death
Joker: </3
Joker: I’m done speaking to phantom thieves
[Chat thread has been closed]